Register a SA Forums Account here!
JOINING THE SA FORUMS WILL REMOVE THIS BIG AD, THE ANNOYING UNDERLINED ADS, AND STUPID INTERSTITIAL ADS!!!

You can: log in, read the tech support FAQ, or request your lost password. This dumb message (and those ads) will appear on every screen until you register! Get rid of this crap by registering your own SA Forums Account and joining roughly 150,000 Goons, for the one-time price of $9.95! We charge money because it costs us $3,400 per month for bandwidth bills alone, and since we don't believe in shoving popup ads to our registered users, we try to make the money back through forum registrations.
  • Locked thread
Enola Gay-For-Pay
Jun 15, 2007

It is always Friday night, motherfuckers


Lipstick Apathy

This is probably the most basic bullshit E/N thing, but I feel the need to vent. I have a friend who I have developed feelings for. I've always been attracted to her, and I asked her out when I first met her, but she was seeing someone. I was cool with that, and we continued to be friends, although I continued to have a bit of a crush on her. She recently broke up with that guy and I told her that I had a crush on her and had for some time, and she told me she didn't see me that way. It also turned out there's another guy she's sort of dating. I've really tried to be ok with that, but I'm finding that that rejection came as more of a blow than I was expecting. I felt lovely about it for a few days, but I got past it.

Tonight was her birthday, and a bunch of us went out to eat and barhop. Everyone was having a good time, but this guy showed up late and she kind of separated from the group and they went to the bar and well he was the guy she's seeing and they were kissing and stuff and it just tore me up. I made my excuses and left (I didn't drink and was totally sober, if that's relevant).

Obviously this is not her problem, it's mine. I want to maintain this friendship, but if I'm going to feel like poo poo every time I'm reminded that this isn't going to happen, I don't know what to do. How do I get past my own bullshit feelings and accept reality?

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

Caufman
May 7, 2007



Enola Gay-For-Pay posted:

Obviously this is not her problem, it's mine. I want to maintain this friendship, but if I'm going to feel like poo poo every time I'm reminded that this isn't going to happen, I don't know what to do. How do I get past my own bullshit feelings and accept reality?

Is venting working? Sorry for the heartbreak, stranger. I'd feel the same way.

BoonyPC
Feb 19, 2007


I think the only thing that helps here is time. I think it would be a lot easier for you if you were to avoid her for a while if possible. Take some time to get over your feelings then if you are ready continue the friendship.

504
Feb 2, 2016



Why is it only ever unrequited love that is this strong? Is it a rose goggles thing?

Dick Trauma
Nov 30, 2007

God damn it, you've got to be kind.

Clapping Larry

If it's just a crush you will get over it. If it's truly love then you will need to sever as any contact with that person will keep stoking your feelings and your pain will never end.

CarForumPoster
Jun 26, 2013


504 posted:

Why is it only ever unrequited love that is this strong? Is it a rose goggles thing?

People often feel very strongly about a new relationship where the person likes them back, it just doesnt have the consequences.


Advice to OP is to be less available to this friend for a little bit, come back when youre talking to, interested in or dating someone new. Do not announce you are doing this as it will seem like a cry for attention, just be busy for a few weeks.

Jeza
Feb 13, 2011

The cries of the dead are terrible indeed; you should try not to hear them.


Sever and find a real relationship. You don't sound like you'll ever get over it, so don't bother trying to re-engage unless you are rock solid secure in your new relationship and have serious boundaries. If contact is unavoidable, never one on one, choose public spaces/activities, don't get overly intoxicated.

That just about covers it I guess.

boho
Oct 4, 2011

on fire and loving it

Why are you friends with this woman?

This is dangerously close to the ancient Nice Guy Gambit of "be friends til she's available/sees my "real" value, then we'll gently caress."

ThomasPaine
Feb 4, 2009


I was in the exact situation for like 3 years, got to the point where I realised I had to sever or I'd never get over her but just decided to be 100% honest and explain my reasons and that if we couldn't be together we couldn't be friends either. Well we've been together 5 years now and it's pretty cool I guess. No harm fronting everything out sometimes apparently lol.

Absolutely do not in any way keep pestering her if you do this and she says no however! I have made that mistake in my youth and you will just look like a giant creeper.

Burt Sexual
Jan 26, 2006

Aida Cuevas is my Ranchera Princess


boho posted:

Why are you friends with this woman?

This is dangerously close to the ancient Nice Guy Gambit of "be friends til she's available/sees my "real" value, then we'll gently caress."

Isn't this exactly that?

Carl Killer Miller
Apr 28, 2007


ThomasPaine posted:

I was in the exact situation for like 3 years, got to the point where I realised I had to sever or I'd never get over her but just decided to be 100% honest and explain my reasons and that if we couldn't be together we couldn't be friends either. Well we've been together 5 years now and it's pretty cool I guess. No harm fronting everything out sometimes apparently lol.

Absolutely do not in any way keep pestering her if you do this and she says no however! I have made that mistake in my youth and you will just look like a giant creeper.

It seems like her being in a relationship makes this a somewhat scummy option for good ol OP here.

I'd chime in with folks here telling you to sever. The other option is to be respectful of her relationship and put your feelings to the side permanently, but let's be serious none of us are capable of that.

Burt Sexual
Jan 26, 2006

Aida Cuevas is my Ranchera Princess


Carl Killer Miller posted:

It seems like her being in a relationship makes this a somewhat scummy option for good ol OP here.

I'd chime in with folks here telling you to sever. The other option is to be respectful of her relationship and put your feelings to the side permanently, but let's be serious none of us are capable of that.

Iíll never get this. She was available, he opened up, she shot him down like a North Korean missile. Just swallow that and move on from your dirty sexy thoughts. Christ, youíre not an animal.

ThomasPaine
Feb 4, 2009


Carl Killer Miller posted:

It seems like her being in a relationship makes this a somewhat scummy option for good ol OP here.

I'd chime in with folks here telling you to sever. The other option is to be respectful of her relationship and put your feelings to the side permanently, but let's be serious none of us are capable of that.

Yeah I didn't catch she was in a relationship which makes things harder I guess.

420 SWAGLORD
Apr 20, 2014

saban bajramovic


Burt Sexual posted:

Isn't this exactly that?

Don't be a dick, he's literally posting for help not being that guy. He's not expecting/waiting for a turn, he's asking for help dealing with Feelings.

Op if it's this big of a deal to you, you need some time away from this girl. It takes a certain degree of emotional maturity to recognize the problem like you have rather than blaming "sluts and chads", and good job doing that, but it takes a lot more to be a good friend to someone you really wish would touch you and I don't think you're quite there yet

I don't recommend hanging around for you right now op, but future stuff/reference for another reader: think about why you enjoy spending time with this person, what you would want to change about your relationship, and why you would want to change it. If it's "cause she's hot, we'd gently caress, cause she's hot" there is zero chance you can be friends (extreme example obv) but if it's "she exposes me to new things, we'd spend more time alone, cause I crave intimacy" you can put your confused romantic feelings to the side and try to foster a closer platonic relationship.

More generalized, just try to be aware of what you really have, what you really want, and why you really want it. Mindfulness in all things, friend

Burt Sexual
Jan 26, 2006

Aida Cuevas is my Ranchera Princess


420 SWAGLORD posted:

Don't be a dick, he's literally posting for help not being that guy. He's not expecting/waiting for a turn, he's asking for help dealing with Feelings.

Op if it's this big of a deal to you, you need some time away from this girl. It takes a certain degree of emotional maturity to recognize the problem like you have rather than blaming "sluts and chads", and good job doing that, but it takes a lot more to be a good friend to someone you really wish would touch you and I don't think you're quite there yet

I don't recommend hanging around for you right now op, but future stuff/reference for another reader: think about why you enjoy spending time with this person, what you would want to change about your relationship, and why you would want to change it. If it's "cause she's hot, we'd gently caress, cause she's hot" there is zero chance you can be friends (extreme example obv) but if it's "she exposes me to new things, we'd spend more time alone, cause I crave intimacy" you can put your confused romantic feelings to the side and try to foster a closer platonic relationship.

More generalized, just try to be aware of what you really have, what you really want, and why you really want it. Mindfulness in all things, friend

Not being a dick, but heís asked her out twice now. Seems like heís waiting around.

420 SWAGLORD
Apr 20, 2014

saban bajramovic


Burt Sexual posted:

Not being a dick, but he’s asked her out twice now. Seems like he’s waiting around.

It's just nice to see "Obviously this is not her problem, it's mine." and a genuine desire to change instead of a bunch of entitled incel poo poo. And I don't think asking her out once when they met and once when she became single is too egregiously high pressure/persistent

Burt Sexual
Jan 26, 2006

Aida Cuevas is my Ranchera Princess


420 SWAGLORD posted:

It's just nice to see "Obviously this is not her problem, it's mine." and a genuine desire to change instead of a bunch of entitled incel poo poo. And I don't think asking her out once when they met and once when she became single is too egregiously high pressure/persistent

Agreed. Op, whatís the timeframe of all of these events?

little munchkin
Aug 15, 2010



Rejection sucks, it's even worse when you have to witness them choosing someone else.

You get over it by finding something else to focus on. Hang out with other friends, try to date other people, something like that. Chasing after some other girl is the best fix. The moment some other girl gives you any sort of attention you'll forget why this whole thing was a problem in the first place.

Also be honest with yourself. Do you genuinely want to be platonic friends with this girl? If you're going to get all upset every time you see her and some other dude all over each other, then it's fine to not hang out with her any more.

Carl Killer Miller
Apr 28, 2007


little munchkin posted:

Rejection sucks, it's even worse when you have to witness them choosing someone else.

You get over it by finding something else to focus on. Hang out with other friends, try to date other people, something like that. Chasing after some other girl is the best fix. The moment some other girl gives you any sort of attention you'll forget why this whole thing was a problem in the first place.

Also be honest with yourself. Do you genuinely want to be platonic friends with this girl? If you're going to get all upset every time you see her and some other dude all over each other, then it's fine to not hang out with her any more.

I've got to echo the idea of being honest and open with yourself about this. It's not wrong, nor does it make you weak to give up on that relationship/friendship if it'll make you heartsick. Tear off the bandage now. You also have absolutely no obligation to tell her all about why you're fading away. My guess is that she'll understand anyway.

boho
Oct 4, 2011

on fire and loving it

OP I think your impulse to ask for help is you realizing you slipped into the Nice Guy routine unknowingly, perhaps even unintentionally.

Do you have a history of trying this strategy? If so you may have fallen into old habits. Dust yourself off and walk away.

Do you often find yourself attracted to unavailable women, or do you frequently find yourself in this situation ? If so, try to figure out why you do that. Typically it's a fear of real intimacy.

little munchkin
Aug 15, 2010



Carl Killer Miller posted:

I've got to echo the idea of being honest and open with yourself about this. It's not wrong, nor does it make you weak to give up on that relationship/friendship if it'll make you heartsick. Tear off the bandage now. You also have absolutely no obligation to tell her all about why you're fading away. My guess is that she'll understand anyway.

Yea, "how do I get past my own bullshit feelings" (a direct quote from the op) is not a good mindset to have. You might not want to have feelings but you do. You have them for a reason. You can't reject or get rid of emotions, you can only cope with them.

I've been in the same boat as the op, and had it go both ways. Sometimes there were women I just couldn't be around because I couldn't get over my attraction. Other time after reflecting a bit I realized "oh, I'm just lonely".

boho posted:

OP I think your impulse to ask for help is you realizing you slipped into the Nice Guy routine unknowingly, perhaps even unintentionally.

Do you have a history of trying this strategy? If so you may have fallen into old habits. Dust yourself off and walk away.

Do you often find yourself attracted to unavailable women, or do you frequently find yourself in this situation ? If so, try to figure out why you do that. Typically it's a fear of real intimacy.

It sounds like the OP isn't really falling into this pattern because he's asking "how do I move on?" and not "how do I win this woman over".

little munchkin
Aug 15, 2010



It doesn't hurt to ask though. OP, does this woman, or women in general, owe you anything? Why do you think it is that she's not interested in you?

Enola Gay-For-Pay
Jun 15, 2007

It is always Friday night, motherfuckers


Lipstick Apathy

Thanks for the replies. I'm probably going to be around her sometimes because she's a part of my circle of friends and it would be difficult to completely sever, but otherwise I'm going to maintain some distance.

This is the first time I have been in a situation like this. I met her early last year through a friend of a friend kind of thing. I had no idea what her relationship status was when I asked her out that time, and I didn't have any particular sad feelings about her seeing someone then. Over the past year she and I have both ended up a bit more integrated into the same circle of people, and ended up spending a fair amount of time together. As I got to know her I became a bit infatuated, but didn't act on anything because she was seeing a guy. When she broke up with said guy I told her that I had a crush on her, but that I had no expectations, and asked her to give it some thought. She said she would, but that she considered me a close friend and one of her favorite people, and felt like it would be weird. I haven't made any sort of pass at her since, and have no intention of doing so.

I didn't know about this other guy, who is not-her-boyfriend but they're dating and apparently making out a little bit at bars, and I didn't realize how much it would affect me to see that happen. I'm going to take the thread's advice and try to get some distance. I definitely wouldn't say I fit the "nice guy" archetype here, and I certainly don't think she owes me anything. I couldn't say why she isn't interested in me, aside from what I mentioned above. There are a lot of possible reasons but I don't think it would be healthy to focus on that.

I am dating other people when the opportunity presents itself. Whatever my feelings are for this woman, I'm trying not to fixate on it. I mostly just had had a really bad night when I posted this, and was trying to deal with my feelings. Venting here did help, so thanks for that.

Carl Killer Miller
Apr 28, 2007


Enola Gay-For-Pay posted:

Thanks for the replies. I'm probably going to be around her sometimes because she's a part of my circle of friends and it would be difficult to completely sever, but otherwise I'm going to maintain some distance.

This is the first time I have been in a situation like this. I met her early last year through a friend of a friend kind of thing. I had no idea what her relationship status was when I asked her out that time, and I didn't have any particular sad feelings about her seeing someone then. Over the past year she and I have both ended up a bit more integrated into the same circle of people, and ended up spending a fair amount of time together. As I got to know her I became a bit infatuated, but didn't act on anything because she was seeing a guy. When she broke up with said guy I told her that I had a crush on her, but that I had no expectations, and asked her to give it some thought. She said she would, but that she considered me a close friend and one of her favorite people, and felt like it would be weird. I haven't made any sort of pass at her since, and have no intention of doing so.

I didn't know about this other guy, who is not-her-boyfriend but they're dating and apparently making out a little bit at bars, and I didn't realize how much it would affect me to see that happen. I'm going to take the thread's advice and try to get some distance. I definitely wouldn't say I fit the "nice guy" archetype here, and I certainly don't think she owes me anything. I couldn't say why she isn't interested in me, aside from what I mentioned above. There are a lot of possible reasons but I don't think it would be healthy to focus on that.

I am dating other people when the opportunity presents itself. Whatever my feelings are for this woman, I'm trying not to fixate on it. I mostly just had had a really bad night when I posted this, and was trying to deal with my feelings. Venting here did help, so thanks for that.

A mature, reasonable approach to the situation. Are you trolling?

Seriously though, it sounds like you're thinking about this in the right way, especially not dwelling on why she's not interested in you. There's no good end to that.

cda
Jan 2, 2010



Enola Gay-For-Pay posted:

This is probably the most basic bullshit E/N thing, but I feel the need to vent. I have a friend who I have developed feelings for. I've always been attracted to her, and I asked her out when I first met her, but she was seeing someone. I was cool with that, and we continued to be friends, although I continued to have a bit of a crush on her. She recently broke up with that guy and I told her that I had a crush on her and had for some time, and she told me she didn't see me that way. It also turned out there's another guy she's sort of dating. I've really tried to be ok with that, but I'm finding that that rejection came as more of a blow than I was expecting. I felt lovely about it for a few days, but I got past it.

Tonight was her birthday, and a bunch of us went out to eat and barhop. Everyone was having a good time, but this guy showed up late and she kind of separated from the group and they went to the bar and well he was the guy she's seeing and they were kissing and stuff and it just tore me up. I made my excuses and left (I didn't drink and was totally sober, if that's relevant).

Obviously this is not her problem, it's mine. I want to maintain this friendship, but if I'm going to feel like poo poo every time I'm reminded that this isn't going to happen, I don't know what to do. How do I get past my own bullshit feelings and accept reality?

Your feelings are reality. They're you're reality. No good is going to come from not listening to them. They're telling you "this is painful." Maybe you should distance yourself from the painful thing,.

cda
Jan 2, 2010



gently caress no editing in e/n. you're = your obviously

Applebees Appetizer
Jan 23, 2006



Enola Gay-For-Pay posted:

When she broke up with said guy I told her that I had a crush on her, but that I had no expectations, and asked her to give it some thought. She said she would, but that she considered me a close friend and one of her favorite people, and felt like it would be weird.

She's not attracted to you, but likes you as a person. It doesn't mean you're unattractive, it just means you're not her type.

If you can accept this, get over it and continue to be friends, or sever and move on.

Bobbie Wickham
Apr 13, 2008

A redheaded hussy who ought to be smacked and sent to bed without her supper



Make some new friends so you don't have to depend on the same circle of people for your social life.

The Ol Spicy Keychain
Jan 16, 2013

The Old Moon!








Enola Gay-For-Pay posted:

Thanks for the replies. I'm probably going to be around her sometimes because she's a part of my circle of friends and it would be difficult to completely sever, but otherwise I'm going to maintain some distance.

This is the first time I have been in a situation like this. I met her early last year through a friend of a friend kind of thing. I had no idea what her relationship status was when I asked her out that time, and I didn't have any particular sad feelings about her seeing someone then. Over the past year she and I have both ended up a bit more integrated into the same circle of people, and ended up spending a fair amount of time together. As I got to know her I became a bit infatuated, but didn't act on anything because she was seeing a guy. When she broke up with said guy I told her that I had a crush on her, but that I had no expectations, and asked her to give it some thought. She said she would, but that she considered me a close friend and one of her favorite people, and felt like it would be weird. I haven't made any sort of pass at her since, and have no intention of doing so.

I didn't know about this other guy, who is not-her-boyfriend but they're dating and apparently making out a little bit at bars, and I didn't realize how much it would affect me to see that happen. I'm going to take the thread's advice and try to get some distance. I definitely wouldn't say I fit the "nice guy" archetype here, and I certainly don't think she owes me anything. I couldn't say why she isn't interested in me, aside from what I mentioned above. There are a lot of possible reasons but I don't think it would be healthy to focus on that.

I am dating other people when the opportunity presents itself. Whatever my feelings are for this woman, I'm trying not to fixate on it. I mostly just had had a really bad night when I posted this, and was trying to deal with my feelings. Venting here did help, so thanks for that.

Just move on my dude. I don't really understand how you can still waste your time dwelling on this when she shot you down in the nicest way possible. Just find another woman to fall for lmao. There are millions of them out there.

Carl Killer Miller
Apr 28, 2007


Bobbie Wickham posted:

Make some new friends so you don't have to depend on the same circle of people for your social life.

That can be pretty difficult. That said, I think that OP's relationship with their entire friend group has a much higher likelihood of being messed up if he keeps pining after her than if he's just honest and moves on. Most people have been in that sort of situation before and will understand. Or better yet, give it no thought at all because people don't think of you as much as you think they do.

cda
Jan 2, 2010



Slowly poison her relationships with everyone else in the group until she's no longer in your life.

Burt Sexual
Jan 26, 2006

Aida Cuevas is my Ranchera Princess


Carl Killer Miller posted:

That can be pretty difficult. That said, I think that OP's relationship with their entire friend group has a much higher likelihood of being messed up if he keeps pining after her than if he's just honest and moves on. Most people have been in that sort of situation before and will understand. Or better yet, give it no thought at all because people don't think of you as much as you think they do.

Op is a playa, he got this.

Man with Hat
Dec 26, 2007

Open up your Dethday present
It's a box of fucking nothing


Toilet Rascal

Sorry about your situation OP. It sucks. But I'm glad to see you're handling it in a mature way.

FAGGY CLAUSE
Apr 9, 2011
Probation
Can't post for 8 days!


There was a dude that was pining after my wife before we were married. They work for the same company so he'd pester her on the office messenger. He was always buying her expensive poo poo. She asked me if it was ok and I just said sure, less poo poo I have to buy for you. Felt bad for the guy in some ways. He still reaches out to her trying to go to dinner or whatever.

Burt Sexual
Jan 26, 2006

Aida Cuevas is my Ranchera Princess


FAGGY CLAUSE posted:

There was a dude that was pining after my wife before we were married. They work for the same company so he'd pester her on the office messenger. He was always buying her expensive poo poo. She asked me if it was ok and I just said sure, less poo poo I have to buy for you. Felt bad for the guy in some ways. He still reaches out to her trying to go to dinner or whatever.

Is she hot, or otherwise?

Cling-Wrap Condom
Jul 22, 2015

I'm tryna get my peen touched, pants.


Enola Gay-For-Pay posted:

This is probably the most basic bullshit E/N thing, but I feel the need to vent. I have a friend who I have developed feelings for. I've always been attracted to her, and I asked her out when I first met her, but she was seeing someone. I was cool with that, and we continued to be friends, although I continued to have a bit of a crush on her. She recently broke up with that guy and I told her that I had a crush on her and had for some time, and she told me she didn't see me that way. It also turned out there's another guy she's sort of dating. I've really tried to be ok with that, but I'm finding that that rejection came as more of a blow than I was expecting. I felt lovely about it for a few days, but I got past it.

Tonight was her birthday, and a bunch of us went out to eat and barhop. Everyone was having a good time, but this guy showed up late and she kind of separated from the group and they went to the bar and well he was the guy she's seeing and they were kissing and stuff and it just tore me up. I made my excuses and left (I didn't drink and was totally sober, if that's relevant).

Obviously this is not her problem, it's mine. I want to maintain this friendship, but if I'm going to feel like poo poo every time I'm reminded that this isn't going to happen, I don't know what to do. How do I get past my own bullshit feelings and accept reality?

Read the breakup thread.

FAGGY CLAUSE
Apr 9, 2011
Probation
Can't post for 8 days!


Burt Sexual posted:

Is she hot, or otherwise?

shes attractive yes

zmcnulty
Jul 26, 2003



FAGGY CLAUSE posted:

There was a dude that was pining after my wife before we were married. They work for the same company so he'd pester her on the office messenger. He was always buying her expensive poo poo. She asked me if it was ok and I just said sure, less poo poo I have to buy for you. Felt bad for the guy in some ways. He still reaches out to her trying to go to dinner or whatever.

ever heard of a badger game?

little munchkin
Aug 15, 2010



FAGGY CLAUSE posted:

shes attractive yes

nice,

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

cda
Jan 2, 2010



It must be hell to have an attractive wife.

  • Locked thread