where you swim, she sinks (about 1100 words)

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The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > Creative Convention > where you swim, she sinks (about 1100 words)

FormerPoster: Aug 5, 2004; Hair Elf

The voice is solid, but I'm not really sure what the conflict is. You have a sequence of events, yeah, but your narrator doesn't actually do anything except watch those events unfold and relate them to the reader. His dispassionate tone doesn't help matters, either. Your reader can only be as invested in the story as the participants are, and right now you've got a narrator who doesn't seem invested at all.

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The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > Creative Convention > where you swim, she sinks (about 1100 words)