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bradzilla
Oct 15, 2004



Fan of Britches

On a Saturday night a few weeks ago, I was drunk as hell. My wife and I had been at one of those board game nights that's all the rage right now. We got home about 11pm. I drunkenly went upstairs to change and was making my way back down the stairs. My left foot slipped off the step, and I fell backwards, cartoon-style straight onto my rear end. I rode my rear end like a sled down the rest of the 8 or so stairs left. It was a very bumpy ride but I had no choice but to just accept gravity was doing its thing. My wife in a panic screamed "are you ok!?" and being drunk, I told her I was fine, feeling basically no pain and went on with the rest of the night. The next morning, I was very sore. It loving hurt to stand up. I put up with the pain for a few days before finally going to the doctor. They x-rayed my rear end and gave me some prescription strength ibuprofen. A few days later the x-ray came back and luckily I didn't break my rear end! Just bruised the everloving gently caress out of my tailbone. I've never had a bone bruise before, but apparently recovery time is 1 - 2 months. So my rear end will be sore for at least several more weeks. Working in an office, I sit at my desk virtually the entire day. I had to buy one of these:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B...0?ie=UTF8&psc=1

It makes a nice cradle for my tailbone to take some of the pressure off. I can't sit on hard surfaces. All told it's a pretty minor injury that is just an annoyance I'll have to deal with for a while.

How have you hosed yourself up while drunk, high, or whatever else?

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Moon Atari
Dec 26, 2010




Jade Ear Joe

I have never injured myself in such a way. Either I don't drink very much or my life is too sedentary to ever be at risk of movement related injury.

Sponge Baathist
Jan 30, 2010



one time I tried to cut a piece of stale bread with a bread knife holding the bread in my hand. I still have and feel the scar across my fingertip.

The Walrus
Jul 9, 2002



uhhh i jumped up and grabbed the top of a fence on a patio and gouged all four of my fingers end to end on some rusty nails

Waltzing Along
Jun 14, 2008

Help comes when you need it most



How about injuring the bank account? I've heard intoxication is how babbies are made. I thought it was storks, though.

Jose
Jul 24, 2007



I had a friend jump head first into my double glazed bathroom window, smashing it, trying to kill himself while having a freak out on acid op. he hosed his shoulder up real bad and lost tons of blood but didn't go through at least. I was real hosed up and only noticed like 8 hours later

Capri Sun Tzu
Oct 24, 2017



bradzilla posted:

prescription strength ibuprofen
Buddy...

bradzilla
Oct 15, 2004



Fan of Britches


Yes it's weak poo poo but I don't really care, it helps. I don't need opiates for a bruised rear end.

Amarcarts
Feb 21, 2007

This looks a lot like suffering.


Fun fact from someone who sees a lot of this: All else being equal people who are really drunk in motor vehicle crashes tend to sustain less injuries than sober people in crashes. The alcohol blunts their reflexes so they don't tend to tense up and are rag dolls during the sudden impact forces. A sober person realizes what's happening and maintains muscle tone.

It's kind of unfair and I don't have any studies but if you talk to ER people they'll all confirm it.

Capri Sun Tzu
Oct 24, 2017



I also once bruised my coxis in grade school. It hurts like hell dude

Blue Train
Jun 17, 2012



Jose posted:

I had a friend jump head first into my double glazed bathroom window, smashing it, trying to kill himself while having a freak out on acid op. he hosed his shoulder up real bad and lost tons of blood but didn't go through at least. I was real hosed up and only noticed like 8 hours later

lol

bradzilla posted:

Yes it's weak poo poo but I don't really care, it helps. I don't need opiates for a bruised rear end.

And this is why youre poor and posting here instead of pulling in the big rush limbaugh bucks

Blue Train
Jun 17, 2012



Amarcarts posted:

Fun fact from someone who sees a lot of this: All else being equal people who are really drunk in motor vehicle crashes tend to sustain less injuries than sober people in crashes. The alcohol blunts their reflexes so they don't tend to tense up and are rag dolls during the sudden impact forces. A sober person realizes what's happening and maintains muscle tone.

It's kind of unfair and I don't have any studies but if you talk to ER people they'll all confirm it.

It's extremely fair and why I refuse to drive sober

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZDkjpHGOyo

bradzilla
Oct 15, 2004



Fan of Britches

Jose posted:

I had a friend jump head first into my double glazed bathroom window, smashing it, trying to kill himself while having a freak out on acid op. he hosed his shoulder up real bad and lost tons of blood but didn't go through at least. I was real hosed up and only noticed like 8 hours later

Moon Atari
Dec 26, 2010




Jade Ear Joe

Jose posted:

I had a friend jump head first into my double glazed bathroom window, smashing it, trying to kill himself while having a freak out on acid op. he hosed his shoulder up real bad and lost tons of blood but didn't go through at least. I was real hosed up and only noticed like 8 hours later

drat dude, can't help but see that as kind of a revealing glimpse into some pretty rough living.

goethe.cx
Apr 23, 2014

what are those sorrows doing to young werther??

chopped off part of my thumbnail while slicing a lime to squeeze into my 7th G&T

Blue Train
Jun 17, 2012



Moon Atari posted:

drat dude, can't help but see that as kind of a revealing glimpse into some pretty rough living.

🙄

fakeaccount
Jun 22, 2012


bradzilla posted:

I don't need opiates for a bruised rear end.

thats what she said

drunkb
Aug 14, 2009



The Great Twist

Broke my ribs on two separate occasions. Once passing out on to one of the big boulders people have at the end of their driveway, and once falling down my steps.

Recently slipped backwards on ice and bashed my elbow on the ground and pinched a nerve. I woke up and my hand was asleep. It didnít wake up for two weeks. That was some scary poo poo.

Zeluth
May 12, 2001



Yam Slacker

I am sure there ise something that gets metered out eventually.

Like talking to others that ran into freak nature.

Labes for days
Dec 14, 2010

His third chybut sack swelled.


I managed to not actually injure myself but one time I got so baked that I passed out on the toilet and fell off and hit my head on the wall, then narrowly missed hitting it on the tub as I was getting back up and passed out again. That was some gooooood poo poo.

FlimFlam Imam
Mar 1, 2007

Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams

All my toenails are hosed up from stumbling around drunk in flip-flops, it took many years but all ten toes are hosed up looking.

veiled boner fuel
Oct 21, 2015


A friend and I were at a bar and someone blocked him in in the parking lot so he decided he was in an action movie and went to punch his window out and shattered a bone in his hand. The window of course was not damaged. Had to get two pins and a cast.

Peetown Manning
Jan 21, 2017

screaming at bare ass

I knew very well around age 13 that skateboarding wasn't for me: never got injured on one, put it to rest.

Then one day 22 year old me, in the midst of some good day drinking, decides to get on a janky-rear end Penny Board, and ride it downhill. Ended up trying to stop by myself by planting my right leg hard, knee went in a direction it isn't supposed to. Still bugs me occasionally to this day.

Skeleton Ape
Dec 21, 2008

The most richly flavored of all drunkards.

One time I went to the kitchen to make myself a drink and then took a running leap and vaulted over the back of the couch. I almost made it but hammered one of my toes straight into the couch back. It was broken, I never did anything about it, and now 10 years later I still can't bend that toe

e: I didn't spill a drop off booze during the whole maneuver, which I was very proud of at the time

bradzilla
Oct 15, 2004



Fan of Britches

veiled boner fuel posted:

A friend and I were at a bar and someone blocked him in in the parking lot so he decided he was in an action movie and went to punch his window out and shattered a bone in his hand. The window of course was not damaged. Had to get two pins and a cast.

Your friend thought it would go like this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i9hctehAHKA

BlankIsBeautiful
Apr 3, 2008

Feeling a little inadequate?


Well buzzed on two shots of gin on an empty stomach after work at a restaurant bar waiting for my wife. Went next door to the cigar shop and got a cigar. Thought the complete dark, narrow alleyway between the shop and the restaurant was the way back to the restaurant's outside patio where I was going to smoke. It wasn't. It was the entrance to the basement kitchen. At the bottom of about 10 stone steps. I went down on my back, and slid to the bottom. After I found my cellphone, and glasses in the dark (which was amazing in and of itself), the first thing I did, of course, was take a picture. Here's what it looked like from the bottom:



My back hurt so bad the next morning, I figured I had at least fractured a rib. Got an x-ray, and the doc said it was some hosed up cartilage and a deep muscle bruise. Got a muscle relaxer, and ibuprofen horse pills. The "incident" happened back in December, and that SOB rib still hurts on and off even today.

Icochet
Mar 18, 2008



When I fall down while drunk, for some reason I don't break the fall with my palms, but with my goddamn fingers. Hairline fractures aplenty.

HELLBITCH
Sep 15, 2017

bad at posting


I conceived a human being with my dick and a girls p*ssy

Over There
Jun 28, 2013

BIRD CREW


Got a nasty cut on my nose on my wedding day. Still not sure how that happened.

Beet Wagon
Oct 19, 2015




Lipstick Apathy

I threw my back out trying (successfully, I might add) to throw a toilet over a privacy fence to my friend, once. Other than that it was mostly minor stuff like falling off of a roof or trying to ride a wake skate down some stairs.

I'm glad I don't drink like that any more.

Capri Sun Tzu
Oct 24, 2017



bradzilla posted:

Your friend thought it would go like this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i9hctehAHKA
Instead he got https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awwuDjGUBSM

Drunk Nerds
Jan 25, 2011

POST

THE

THESIS


Fun Shoe

I don't know how it happened exactly, but one time in Cabo I got so blackout drunk I managed to slice open my back and I guess my kidney fell out. For some reason, I decided passing out in a tub full of ice was the thing to do, lol. I spent all next day searching my hotel room, but I never could find that kidney.

Jose
Jul 24, 2007




it was a couple of years before i got the full story from him but apparently he'd needed a poo poo and we were tripping balls and he thought he'd poo poo all over the toilet/floor/wall and in his panic about how to deal with it thought he heard the doorbell and the cops had turned up wanting to arrest him and that was his way of dealing with it

Over There
Jun 28, 2013

BIRD CREW


Jose got drunk and decided to fight a hurricane, which earned him his modship

Jose
Jul 24, 2007



based on the brief time i spent out on the street during said hurricane it wasn't very impressive

Big Beef City
Aug 15, 2013

If you have a tiny dog you should be arrested and the dog placed on a tiny dog rocket and fired into the sun!!!

Ramrod XTreme

Last night I was walking my two dogs and their leashes got tangled up in front of me and this caused me to totally crash right on my shoulder/face on the road in front of my house because I was plastered.
My shoulder is pretty bruised and I had to go in this morning to get my glasses fixed because I popped one of the lenses out and they are bent way the gently caress out of shape and they scraped the poo poo out of my cheek and almost gave me a shiner.

I am fairly sure that the glasses tech lady thinks that I either got into a fight or that my wife abuses me.

e: to be fair, I had literally just planted my foot on a patch of ice as this happened and was cognizant enough to go "oh poo poo" as I fell over. So, it was semi-graceful / redeemable

Big Beef City fucked around with this message at Feb 14, 2018 around 16:05

Mozi
Apr 4, 2004

The door blew shut but here's the deal
Dreams are lies, it's the dreaming that's real


Nap Ghost

Jose posted:

based on the brief time i spent out on the street during said hurricane it wasn't very impressive

rock you like a tropical storm

Maya Fey
Jan 22, 2017



Jose posted:

I had a friend jump head first into my double glazed bathroom window, smashing it, trying to kill himself while having a freak out on acid op. he hosed his shoulder up real bad and lost tons of blood but didn't go through at least. I was real hosed up and only noticed like 8 hours later

lol

poverty goat
Feb 15, 2004

Let me tell you a thing or two about GhostCoin

bradzilla posted:

Yes it's weak poo poo but I don't really care, it helps. I don't need opiates for a bruised rear end.

You don't need to get that script filled either though you can just take more of the regular ibuprofen

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bradzilla
Oct 15, 2004



Fan of Britches

poverty goat posted:

You don't need to get that script filled either though you can just take more of the regular ibuprofen

Lol it costed me a whole $1.16 out of pocket. I'll live.

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