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theplanetvenus
Nov 28, 2007


I'm a long time lurker, rare poster. This will be long:

6 months ~Aug 2017, ago my bf and I were almost at the end of our relationship since we were both poo poo communicators. He reconnected with a woman, I'll call P., who was also having a poo poo time in her relationship. They have a history, she sort of strung him a long for a year and a half before moving states to be with another man after saying she didn't want a relationship. I never felt comfortable with this, but I would never tell him who he can't be friend with without good reason. I told him I was uncomfortable, but figured it was because I just didn't know her.

They had two late night phone calls and talked constantly about the problems in their relationships, from little things to sexual issues, but I was not the kind of person then to vocalize in a productive way how it made me feel. I did shelter duty from a storm and I told him in 2 A.M. text conversation that I realized in taking on the financial weight early in our relationship, I expected him to carry the emotional for both of us. I apologized for it and tons of walls for us broke down. Our communication became effortless and open, albeit with some slips, but leaps and bounds better.

I found out a week before our anniversary they exchanged several explicit photos and videos one of those late nights.
I found out because I asked him if they had exchanged photos during our relationship (he still had old ones from 3 years ago, which didn't bother me because they were 3 years ago), and he denied it. I confronted him about it and he denied it to my face then left for work. After work and seeing friends, he came home late and admitted to me I was right, he was scared to ruin what we had just accomplished. He admitted he sees a future with me and that scares him. He deleted these and the old ones in front of me.
The past 5 months have been amazing. We talk about it monthly, whenever I need to and he listens, he does not blame me, he is open, he does not shy from blame, completely admits he hosed up. I told him I was OK with them being friends, but they cannot be as close as they used to be. That's just not an option. He agreed with this.

Well, we had a discussion this morning about her because Monday night it was brought up if I even WANT to get to a point where I trust them together. I told him that still makes me uncomfortable, it makes me sick, and he understood. I'm just not ready. He said he knows he can't quantify this and it was an honest, open conversation. He was comfortable with my not being ready, but needed to hear I WANT to get there.
He mentioned they spoke about this and about how they haven't hung out, which gave me pause. She also wanted to apply for a job at his company, which he told me he would tell his boss that would would him uncomfortable as they have a history, that "She loving better not," but I found aforementioned conversation and he basically tells her he can't stop her from applying and he knows she has good worth ethic -- basically encouraging her.

I am very easily swayed by him being "honest" and "open" with me. I'm super heated and hurt one minute and then "everything is fine, we're fine" the next because he's never immediately confrontational or anything.

I don't have any reason to believe he has seen her behind my back, I don't question he has been unfaithful or his love for me. In this conversation, she pointed how it was the first real one they've had. She misses her friend, they both stated how they've backed off for my sake; but this conversation I found is breakup territory. In this conversation, he states: "If [theplanetvenus] never gets beyond that point [being paranoid] with you, after however long, eventually that's on her. At least a large portion of it would be," completely shifting blame to me.

It would be one thing if they really were just friends and I was being crazy and saying I was scared of what they MIGHT do even though nothing is happening. But something DID happen. She is actively trying to get in the way by telling him that he will eventually have to decide between their friendship and our relationship, "ultimately it's all gonna end up your decision what to do if she keeps moving this way." She is clearly positioning it as their friendship being more important.

This conversation said the following to me: She's was making it clear she's not going away, she was in his life first, and that I have to be the one to adjust my poo poo. By letting him know how important they are to each other. What she is saying is that they have is 'special' and unlike anything else and that I need to deal with it because it's gonna happen whether I like it or not. That whole conversation showed me she's not going away. He doesn't WANT her to go away. In fact, he wants to maintain his close connection as if nothing ever happened while also maintaining our relationship.

The way they were talking about it is that they are basically waiting for me to get over it so that they can continue being best friends. That yeah, even though they cheated, it happened 6 months ago so why the gently caress am I so upset about still.

It's obvious what he is saying to me is not the same thing he's saying to her. And there's the problem. It feels like they are both manipulating me together.

I have done a lot of self-improvement within this relationship and with this man.

Thank you for reading and letting me get this out. I can fill in anything else.

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Bobbie Wickham
Apr 13, 2008

A redheaded hussy who ought to be smacked and sent to bed without her supper



Dump the motherfucker, get some therapy, and stay out of relationships until you learn how to not be a gullible doormat.

Edit: He's still loving her.

Scudworth
Jan 1, 2005

When life gives you lemons, you clone those lemons, and make super lemons.


Dinosaur Gum

theplanetvenus posted:

I realized in taking on the financial weight early in our relationship, I expected him to carry the emotional for both of us.

Explain "financial weight"?

AlbieQuirky
Oct 9, 2012





This should be non-negotiable.

I definitively broke up with an ex over this exact thing (he wanted to get back together, get married, etc., but still hang out with Cheating Lady and I said "gently caress off").

Best thing I ever did. Spoiler: He and Cheating Lady have been together for almost twenty years (though he also has another serious girlfriend but whatever works for them...)

I met my adored husband a couple months after I kicked ex to the curb. So, happy endings all around.

A mutual friend was having a small ladies' party and asked if I would be cool with Cheating Lady being there, and I said, "Hell, I'm not mad at her. It would be like being mad at someone who stole your used cat litter. I should thank her!"

Dump the zero, find a hero. You'll be glad you did.

theplanetvenus
Nov 28, 2007


Scudworth posted:

Explain "financial weight"?

We both graduated and for 3 months after he did not have a job. I took care of our combined bills during that time until he found work.

Alterian
Jan 28, 2003

THIRTEEN!

Let her have him and find someone interested in being your best friend AND partner.

Bobbie Wickham
Apr 13, 2008

A redheaded hussy who ought to be smacked and sent to bed without her supper



theplanetvenus posted:

We both graduated and for 3 months after he did not have a job. I took care of our combined bills during that time until he found work.

Wait, are you holding three lousy months' of unemployment over his head? How many years ago was this?

theplanetvenus
Nov 28, 2007


Bobbie Wickham posted:

Wait, are you holding three lousy months' of unemployment over his head? How many years ago was this?

It was last summer, 2017. I don't hold it over his head, I said I would take it on. I'm not complaining about doing it, but I realized while I did, I expected him to take on the emotional load.

artichoke
Sep 29, 2003

delirium tremens and caffeine

Gravy Boat 2k

Alterian posted:

Let her have him and find someone interested in being your best friend AND partner.

And chalk all this up as learning experiences and move on. Also, therapy.

Bobbie Wickham
Apr 13, 2008

A redheaded hussy who ought to be smacked and sent to bed without her supper



theplanetvenus posted:

It was last summer, 2017. I don't hold it over his head, I said I would take it on. I'm not complaining about doing it, but I realized while I did, I expected him to take on the emotional load.

Was does "the emotional load" mean?

Elizabethan Error
May 18, 2006



op your BF is a dumbass, and you're reading his texts because you don't trust him.

theplanetvenus
Nov 28, 2007


Bobbie Wickham posted:

Was does "the emotional load" mean?

I was very emotionally blocked in the beginning, we both were. I stone walled a lot and was not productively communicative. When I realized this, it broke down a lot of walls for us and I apologized to him for behaving that way.

Cling-Wrap Condom
Jul 22, 2015

I'm tryna get my peen touched, pants.


let him stay friends with her forever, by dumping his stupid rear end

Bobbie Wickham
Apr 13, 2008

A redheaded hussy who ought to be smacked and sent to bed without her supper



theplanetvenus posted:

I was very emotionally blocked in the beginning, we both were. I stone walled a lot and was not productively communicative. When I realized this, it broke down a lot of walls for us and I apologized to him for behaving that way.

That's a really unhealthy and fairly bizarre comparison/division of "duties," and I suggest dropping the entire concept, from start to finish. Three months of being unemployed after graduation is nothing, let that go. Out of everything wrong with your relationship (which, coincidentally, is everything), that's not one of them. And you can't do someone else's emotional work for them, so I don't follow how he did so. I can make a guess, but it's a long, meandering road that just ends up right back here at Dump The Motherfucker Alreadysburg.

Where's that Sever 2 gif? Sever and therapy, SO much therapy, because this is surely only the tip of a very hosed up iceberg.

Edit: Here it is.

Bobbie Wickham fucked around with this message at Feb 15, 2018 around 00:00

boho
Oct 4, 2011

on fire and loving it

Bobbie Wickham posted:

Edit: He's still loving her.

little munchkin
Aug 15, 2010


Bobbie Wickham posted:

That's a really unhealthy and fairly bizarre comparison/division of "duties," and I suggest dropping the entire concept, from start to finish. Three months of being unemployed after graduation is nothing, let that go. Out of everything wrong with your relationship (which, coincidentally, is everything), that's not one of them. And you can't do someone else's emotional work for them, so I don't follow how he did so. I can make a guess, but it's a long, meandering road that just ends up right back here at Dump The Motherfucker Alreadysburg.

Yea that's a hosed up way to view a relationship but the op seems to realize this.

Anyways yeah go ahead and find someone who doesn't cheat on you and then stay friends with the other woman. Don't be a lovely person to this new guy.

Bobbie Wickham
Apr 13, 2008

A redheaded hussy who ought to be smacked and sent to bed without her supper



Mmm, I don't know why people are suggesting the OP make friends with this woman. She obviously had no respect for the OP, and they don't like each other anyway.

meat police
Nov 14, 2015



Please dump this dude. Don't hitch your wagon to a loser.

Xenocides
Jan 14, 2008

They weren't just hull numbers, they were our home addresses. Now the old neighborhood is torn down and gone and all that is left are memories.


Have you considered having a child with him to try to fix the relationship?

AlbieQuirky
Oct 9, 2012



Bobbie Wickham posted:

Mmm, I don't know why people are suggesting the OP make friends with this woman. She obviously had no respect for the OP, and they don't like each other anyway.

I think little munchkin meant "find someone (who doesn't cheat on you [and then insist on staying] friends with the other woman)," not that she should find someone, and then that she should be friends with the other woman.

English syntax is a :bear: because no inflections.

Bobbie Wickham
Apr 13, 2008

A redheaded hussy who ought to be smacked and sent to bed without her supper



AlbieQuirky posted:

I think little munchkin meant "find someone (who doesn't cheat on you [and then insist on staying] friends with the other woman)," not that she should find someone, and then that she should be friends with the other woman.

English syntax is a :bear: because no inflections.

Ah, I see. My mistake!

Caufman
May 7, 2007



Howdy planetvenus I hope you keep posting.

theplanetvenus posted:

The way they were talking about it is that they are basically waiting for me to get over it so that they can continue being best friends. That yeah, even though they cheated, it happened 6 months ago so why the gently caress am I so upset about still.

All intimacies must respect and admire each person's boundaries, or else it cannot deepen. Even if your man isn't loving the friend, he's choosing to share an intimacy with her that's incompatible with his desire to also share an intimacy with you. That's a legitimate barrier to closeness. For as long as he's choosing to do this or other violating things, we can expect him to be on the outer circles of your trust.

little munchkin
Aug 15, 2010


AlbieQuirky posted:

I think little munchkin meant "find someone (who doesn't cheat on you [and then insist on staying] friends with the other woman)," not that she should find someone, and then that she should be friends with the other woman.

English syntax is a :bear: because no inflections.

yea this is what i meant

DeathSandwich
Apr 24, 2008

I fucking hate puzzles.


OP, I feel like it's pretty obvious you don't trust your boyfriend anymore, and with good reason. It should be apparent by now that this other woman will not leave your boyfriend's life and if they are not already loving each other right now, they will be very soon. Your boyfriend is an unrepentant shithead for framing his relationship with a woman he at (at minimum) an emotional affair with as a problem with you.

You need to cut your losses. now and save yourself the heartache of your boyfriend sitting you down 6 months from now and saying that he's in love with his affair and he's leaving you for her, because I can all but assure you that's going to happen. Don't spend your time, emotions, and effort on someone who's spending theirs on someone else.

Treat it like a learning experience because you admit that the relationship taught you how to communicate better. Hold on to that and save it for someone who doesn't go behind your back the first chance he gets. As has been suggested, get yourself in therapy, focus on being single and improving yourself for a while.

Alterian
Jan 28, 2003

THIRTEEN!

From your posts you seem like you might be on the younger side, or at least not have a lot of experience with adult relationships.
My husband and I were "best friends" before we got together. We talked all the time and had a close, best friend relationship. We totally knew we wanted to date each other, but distance was a problem and we didn't want to deal with being in a long distance relationship so we just stayed best friends.

We both still dated other people. I always let the guys know that I wasn't looking for anything serious and not looking to fall in love with them because I knew that as soon as I could be in the same place as my best friend, that was it. We also both 100% knew that if that opportunity came and we were dating other people we would have dumped them as fast as we could.

We never did anything inappropriate while we were dating other people like your boyfriend did. In fact, I'm still friends with the guy I dated right before my husband and I could finally start dating. My husband and I have been together for 15 years now. Its great to find a partner that is also your best friend. You deserve to find someone like that too.

AWarmBody
Jul 26, 2014

Better than a cold one.

Caufman posted:


All intimacies must respect and admire each person's boundaries, or else it cannot deepen. Even if your man isn't loving the friend, he's choosing to share an intimacy with her that's incompatible with his desire to also share an intimacy with you. That's a legitimate barrier to closeness. For as long as he's choosing to do this or other violating things, we can expect him to be on the outer circles of your trust.

This.

If he is putting a relationship (even friendship) with another woman ahead of his relationship with you, his priorities are hosed and you should respect yourself enough to leave. If you've already expressed your discomfort and he's not respecting that, there is nothing you can do that will change that he is putting her above you. Respect yourself and leave if he is not willing to put you first.

Labes for days
Dec 14, 2010

His third chybut sack swelled.


Your boyfriend is an rear end in a top hat, his other woman is an rear end in a top hat, and you need to dump him and move on as life is too short to put up with assholes assholing.

Bobbie Wickham posted:

He's still loving her.

Tortuga
Aug 27, 2011

Just another day in paradise

How did you find out he still had the naughty photos of his ex?

theplanetvenus
Nov 28, 2007


Tortuga posted:

How did you find out he still had the naughty photos of his ex?

She actually admitted it to me. I had a conversation with her and just asked. Before I found out it was true, she and I were developing a friendship (I was trying because I'm obviously too good to him).

He told me (and showed me) that he had photos of her from a few years ago, so I asked him if he had received any during our relationship when things weren't going so well and his communication with her sky rocketed. That particular evening I knew something was up was because he was ignoring me, locking himself in the bathroom, and taking the 2AM call outside.

DeathSandwich
Apr 24, 2008

I fucking hate puzzles.


theplanetvenus posted:

She actually admitted it to me. I had a conversation with her and just asked. Before I found out it was true, she and I were developing a friendship (I was trying because I'm obviously too good to him).

He told me (and showed me) that he had photos of her from a few years ago, so I asked him if he had received any during our relationship when things weren't going so well and his communication with her sky rocketed. That particular evening I knew something was up was because he was ignoring me, locking himself in the bathroom, and taking the 2AM call outside.

He's definitely loving her or at the bare minimum is actively trying to. Like I said earlier, don't spend your time, emotions, and effort on someone who's spending theirs on someone else. and dropkick his rear end to the curb as fast as humanly possible. End the relationship on your terms rather than trying to make it work and having him leave you for her in six months max.

biracial bear for uncut
Jun 9, 2009
Probation
Can't post for 7 days!






504
Feb 2, 2016

YOSPOS


He definitely didn't swap/keep any pictures!!

Except he did

He definitely doesn't want her around at work!!

Except he does

You definitely lowered some walls!

Except you go through his phone


Tortuga posted:

How did you find out he still had the naughty photos of his ex?

theplanetvenus posted:

She actually admitted it to me.

She told you, so you would break up with him because...

Bobbie Wickham posted:

He's still loving her.


If your BF wasn't still loving/trying to gently caress her, there is NO GOD drat WAY he would want her around. He would want her gone, vanished, forgotten.

This relationship is over, either now when you end it, later when you end it when you finally have "proof" they are loving, or when he comes home one day and dumps you while claiming there's no one else, only to "coincidentally" end up in a relationship with her "It wasn't planned, honest! It just happened"

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Dec 28, 2007

Kiss this and hang



Listen, you can like/love the guy all you want but realize you aren't good for each other/together.

Now is the time to take a deep breath and figure out how to un-entangle yourself from this. I didn't see if you guys are living together, but see about moving out. You don't even have to dump the motherfucker yet, just give yourself some space to unpack all this.

he'll come back with "why are you being jealous about this?!?!?" You simply reply with "huh yeah, you/this is making me nuts I don't want to do this. Bye" and now you have a brand new 'what i will not put up with in a relationship' mark to add to your inventory.

cda
Jan 2, 2010

HAIKUDICATOR

I think you should stay with him and enjoy how it feels to have the rug pulled out from you emotionally when his fake-rear end "honesty" is revealed to be bullshit every couple of months for the next fifty years.

cda
Jan 2, 2010

HAIKUDICATOR

It will be easy to break up with him, though. Just tell him if he wants to be with you he can never talk to or see her again, and when he refuses, your hands will be totally clean.

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spacing in vienna
Jan 4, 2007

people they want us to fall down
but we won't ever touch the ground
we're perfectly balanced, we float around
til no one is here, do you hear the sound?




Lipstick Apathy

If they're not actively loving, then he wants to keep her around as back up, just in case things don't work out with you.

You are not his priority.

My best friend in college went through this, with a guy that guilted her about how weird she was, being jealous of all the exes he hung out with. Why couldn't she just trust him?

(Because "my ex and I are moving in together, just to save on rent" doesn't pass the smell test.)

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