UWBW posted:

Navy seal copypasta.

For, uhh, research purposes.

quote:

What the gently caress did you just loving say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the gently caress out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my loving words. You think you can get away with saying that poo poo to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re loving dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable rear end off the face of the continent, you little poo poo. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your loving tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will poo poo fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re loving dead, kiddo.

Manifisto posted:

yes! awesome!!

I feel like yobbers will have better and more creative ideas, but perhaps you could read a passage from this journal paper we authored together?

quote:

Recent advances in real-time theory and distributed theory
do not necessarily obviate the need for randomized algorithms.
Unfortunately, this solution is usually well-received. This is
crucial to the success of our work. A structured question
in hardware and architecture is the analysis of unstable
archetypes. Our objective here is to set the record straight.
Clearly, interactive algorithms and wireless communication are
continuously at odds with the synthesis of Scheme.

Another confirmed goal in this area is the construction
of omniscient information. We emphasize that PEAK caches
flexible archetypes. The drawback of this type of method,
however, is that DNS and active networks are never incompatible.
For example, many systems control Markov models.
The shortcoming of this type of approach, however, is that the
World Wide Web and voice-over-IP can agree to fulfill this
intent. As a result, we see no reason not to use semaphores to
harness the Turing machine.

TVsVeryOwn posted:

Is the the state names thread a good candidate? I don't know how funny reading a list would be.

Koishi Komeiji posted:

shame just holds people back, when my mother cut my internet I just started going to the public library, cranking your hog is as simple as choosing a good spot and having tastes too far gone for the filters

Putty posted:

please ty, haunted youtube comment

BoldFrankensteinMir posted:

*Whistle blows, footfalls*
POLICE CHIEF- Stop him! That man stole a precious invention!
BURGLAR- You flatfoots couldn't catch colds!
*More footfalls, sirens, slamming doors, climbing stairs*
POLICE CHIEF- You're good as in jail already now, you n'er do well! We've got the place surrounded!
BURGLAR- Lousy coppers! You'll never take me alive! With this time machine I've stolen, all I have to do is hit a button and presto!
*Time machine engages*
...

Gatekeeper posted:

quote:

Gatekeeper posted:
in order to be a better ally to everyone across the board and never be accused of sexism or racism or homophobia or transphobia, I've been practicing cumming to everyone - women with epic dongers who cum into their own belly buttons and then use their fingers like a fun dip stick to feed they're own selfs the cum they just made all over their pretty lady bellies just now, the nice muscly transmen with cute lil irish vaginas with mark Wahlberg haircuts on their pussies, massive black men drilling diminutive asian tolkienesque-elvish-looking twinks with gackt hairstyles, williamsbeard loghipsters with severe physical disabilities such as numerous amputations who lie down as vulnerable as possible while a heavily tattooed Little Person lady fondles the erect beardweiners with their tiny feminine trump-hands, etc., etc. and now i can comfortably and often enthusiastically spill an authenticly formed grand ol' lovepuddle from my deepest balldraining depth over basically any and every consenting human adult in existence with the noted exception of Dan aykroyd's judge character from 'nothing but trouble' with (and without, coming as a surprise to absolutely no one) his prosthetic penis-nose despite the finely molded detail forming a great looking nosecock especially the well formed head and the lil piss-slit. it's good to know that im free of biases and bigotry.

Sham bam bamina! posted:

ed: if that one's too saucy, i have another

quote:

Product Summary:

Entry Level Floor Mat-- this is our economy model. The males enrolled for this product are strictly non-voluntary. They are drawn from a variety of sources. The company warrants that each mat is fully alert and has been informed as to its role. For convenience, the arms and legs of each subject are removed prior to transformation. The man is then transferred to a standard mat 16 by 24 inches in size. The males head and torso occupies most of the mat, and are raised one inch above the surrounding material. They are available in clothed and unclothed models. The mat is a tough rubberized plastic, with a good amount of spring in those areas that are alive. Interactivity is limited. The eyes work well, and are capable of showing signs of distress. Tear ducts are functional. With high levels of pain the gelatinous core of the man vibrates, communicating some feedback on his level of distress to the woman above. As in all our products, the penis is affixed to the abdomen, and the surface raised an additional half inch. The testicles protrude from the base of the torso, and are separated to allow for individual attention. Genital features are not visible on clothed mats, but may be felt, even if the woman is wearing relatively thick soled shoes. The materials here are less expensive, but are guaranteed for a full five years. These models have minimal self repair capacity, thus it is recommended that high heels be used sparingly. These mats are a good purchase for the first time buyer. They are used at teenage parties, and make excellent bath and shower mats. They are good for a variety of impersonal uses, where long life span is not wanted.

The total investment is $10,000

Chasterson posted:

There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.

^chill limerick about a dude who loves onions, not porn

Splatmaster posted:

Could you please use your gifted voice to give life to the following, in an up-beat, Caribbean/Jamaica-themed style? If not I understand!

quote:

Splatmaster posted:
I see you there but I won't let you in though,
I love seeing rain when it's there on my window.
If I'm sitting at home or in a Ford Pinto,
I love it when I see rain on my window.

The sound of rain makes my ears happy,
Whenever I hear those raindrops splatting.
If I'm sitting outside it's just as well,
Because I get to enjoy the fresh rain smell!

Seeing little splatters on my windowsill,
Reminds me of the fact that it's raining still,
Fresh rain all day makes me smile,
When I'm sitting inside all warm and dry!

When I try to look out I can't really see though,
But that's ok it's just the rain on my window.
The sky's all gray but all I have to say is "so",
Can't see the sky because there's rain on my window.

Next time it rains you don't have to feel down,
Wear a smile on your face and trade in that frown,
Cheer up unless you would rather that it was snow,
Somewhere out there is rain on someone's window.

I see you there but I won't let you in though,
I love seeing rain when it's there on my window.
I could be outside soaked from head to toe,
I'm inside instead seeing rain on my window.

Rain on My Window (C) TM All Rights Reserved

A Splatmaster/Coolguye Production

hamjobs posted:

Please read the lyrics to No Need To Argue by the Cranberries.

quote:

There's no need to argue anymore
I gave all I could, but it left me so sore
And the thing that makes me mad
Is the one thing that I had
I knew, I knew
I'd lose you
You'll always be special to me
Special to me, to me
And I remember all the things we once shared
Watching T.V. movies on the living room armchair
But they say it will work out fine
Was it all a waste of time
'Cause I knew, I knew
I'd lose you
You'll always be special to me
Special to me, to me
Will I forget in time, ah
You said I was on your mind?
There's no need to argue
No need to argue anymore
There's no need to argue anymore

quote:

Recent advances in real-time theory and distributed theory
do not necessarily obviate the need for randomized algorithms.
Unfortunately, this solution is usually well-received. This is
crucial to the success of our work. A structured question
in hardware and architecture is the analysis of unstable
archetypes. Our objective here is to set the record straight.
Clearly, interactive algorithms and wireless communication are
continuously at odds with the synthesis of Scheme.

Another confirmed goal in this area is the construction
of omniscient information. We emphasize that PEAK caches
flexible archetypes. The drawback of this type of method,
however, is that DNS and active networks are never incompatible.
For example, many systems control Markov models.
The shortcoming of this type of approach, however, is that the
World Wide Web and voice-over-IP can agree to fulfill this
intent. As a result, we see no reason not to use semaphores to
harness the Turing machine.

TVsVeryOwn posted:

Is the the state names thread a good candidate? I don't know how funny reading a list would be.

TVsVeryOwn posted:

Is the the state names thread a good candidate? I don't know how funny reading a list would be.

Gatekeeper posted:

earlier today i decided to re-expose myself to the same virulent strain of STD that infected me on sunday night. something hadn't sat right with me on sunday so i figured it was worth it to get burned again if i could get to the bottom of things. and my hunch was good: i need a bunch of penicillin shots now, but i know what's been bothering me. and now my temper is ready to blow like praxis all up in cbs's collapsing soviet analogue selves. i'm a picard hairs width away from swingin my left fist "federation" and his right twin "values" straight into cbs's stagnant dying empire of a face faster than tom paris went full blown 'phibian. and this hotshot flyboy won't be takin any breaks to pump janeway's cloaca full of my sticky lil gents, nope, i'm all business tonight and you can take that to the blessed f'ing exchequer buds.

these show-making sadists led us around by our collective peener for a month betting on our desperate hope for a good new trek keeping us interested, only to take our good will and piss it right down the drain of commander livestock mcscaredyprick's rarely used sonic shower because he senses death whenever sound vibrates away his dickfunk and heck im so riled up ive been double fisting asparagus all day, creepin through the Jefferies tubes on my way to cetacean ops to show those overblown fishy fucks where they can place their fancy lil blowholes (hint: around my asparagus-stink-dripping dick still sore from the space gonorrhea that STD used to burn up my trouser-pike twice in the last three days and now all that's left down there is a piece of raw burger meat in a metal sheath that beeps once for "pee" and twice for "semen")

why am i threatening to leak stinky piss into gentle navigating aquamamms from the nubby remains of a sex organ that once stood prouder and more beloved than tuvix? oh, nothing too serious, just that they took one of the best things about trek, a core fundamental aspect of its bright vision of a beautiful future for humanity, and grimdarked it harder than anything has ever been grimdarked before. you might have even realized something was off when lorca spilled the beans when he realized that the lady klingon captain had "shared her bed" with pretty boy p.o.w. and you suddenly felt your soul give up, like eating the business end of a disrupter suddenly had massive appeal and you couldn't understand why you had never considered taking the klingon kobain route before. i even checked my ear for that little khan grub that zombie-slaved checkov in wrath before my brain remembered lorca's painfully inadequate euphemism and what it truly meant for this show.

see, of Gene's biggest successes, his best triumph and grandest hope for mankind was earth dudes getting hosed by sexy space ladies. and the klingon ladies were the sexiest of them all. sure, some fellas out there might do like schoolboys with cootie shots, playing it cool like "lol nah dude they're totally gross with their ridgeheads and snagglefangs and pleather dominatrix outfits with the trademark honorable warrior cleavage, and the 80s sleazerock hair, and... uh...." but you finally crack and admit that it rules because these space babes are packing all the poo poo necessary to make our collective weakling human starfleet dingus stand at attention like the captain's on the bridge. a timeless part of the utopian dream we all share when our sensibilities are so advanced that we're proud to admit we had our ribs broken by grilka while she pounded our peeners from here to sick bay. it's the future we deserve. and thankfully later trek updated Gene's paradise by making sure human women got to sample the bumpy weiners of every bumpy nose and bumpy forehead our galaxy had to offer. dax was constantly loving a dude with a transparent head! if we can get that crazy with heads, then spacedicks are up for anything. aside from that one flaky dandruff grossout race from Dominion space, i just can't think of any trek alien that couldn't feasibly have a weiner that redefines the entire concept from the ground up.

but star trek: dicksuckery figured they'd take one of Gene's loftiest dreams and make it a loving absolute nightmare, by morphing the ideal klingon woman from a hard partying biker chick in what might as well be called the "sexy heavy metal wolf-girl" halloween costume, and making her a fuckin terrifying goddamn monster who makes essentially ANYTHING ELSE preferentially fuckable. hell i'd bless and splash gollum's clammy gnarled little precious with the sincerest gratitude if it meant the nightmare scenario of STD klingon lady's bottom-mouth remaining a mystery to me forever because her peanut butter packed top-mouth was traumatizing enough without ever putting the grimdark version of the roddenberry space-privates generator to work (here's a hint - if TNG ferengis had prehensile dolphin wangs that, per Gene's actual irl notes, would spoil a human lady so much that having any human male again would literally never be worth it, it's safe to assume the std ferengis just have 24 inch long freddie kruegers for dicks and the freddiedicks are all so sick of ferenginar's muggy humid climate and the constant state of swamp-rear end existing in every male ferengi's pants that these kruegerdicks make the movie freddie look like a bigger virgin nerd wuss than wesley fuckin crusher wearing geordi's visor)

you ruined klingon sex, STD. i can forgive nipple clamp shroomdrive with tardtorture navigation and almost every other piece of poo poo you've thrown at us, but I can't forgive this. every time i see the duras sisters i won't be able to look at their cleavage windows as my hand absently feels around for what is probably my dick. i'll just remember STD lady's giant bony phallus-skull, and hear her refusing to swallow the wad of cheddar congealing around her uvula, and with my last thought as the ground outside my apartment building rushes up to meet my falling body, my last thought will be "WHY THE gently caress DOES THE SHIP SPIN LIKE THAT YOU loving HACKS?"

Gatekeeper posted:

in order to be a better ally to everyone across the board and never be accused of sexism or racism or homophobia or transphobia, I've been practicing cumming to everyone - women with epic dongers who cum into their own belly buttons and then use their fingers like a fun dip stick to feed they're own selfs the cum they just made all over their pretty lady bellies just now, the nice muscly transmen with cute lil irish vaginas with mark Wahlberg haircuts on their pussies, massive black men drilling diminutive asian tolkienesque-elvish-looking twinks with gackt hairstyles, williamsbeard loghipsters with severe physical disabilities such as numerous amputations who lie down as vulnerable as possible while a heavily tattooed Little Person lady fondles the erect beardweiners with their tiny feminine trump-hands, etc., etc. and now i can comfortably and often enthusiastically spill an authenticly formed grand ol' lovepuddle from my deepest balldraining depth over basically any and every consenting human adult in existence with the noted exception of Dan aykroyd's judge character from 'nothing but trouble' with (and without, coming as a surprise to absolutely no one) his prosthetic penis-nose despite the finely molded detail forming a great looking nosecock especially the well formed head and the lil piss-slit. it's good to know that im free of biases and bigotry.

but now the next step is learning to cum to something that isn't a person, but a terrible monster. today's challenge is cumming over the STD klingon lady's disgusting visage.

here goes

man I can't get hard.... ugh trying to get hard.... ugh it won't get hard and I have to piss now..... ok gonna piss then we'll try again.

[President Obama appears to me like a force ghost, in a cool Newport pack hue of green, with a massive car-sized fog machine blasting cloud upon cloud of pot/weed smoke. Obama passes me a big circle k soda 44,oz cup. With Jedi calmness, he tells me that my goal of accepting the Klingon girls is all bound up with the plot to this season of trek. What could he mean? As he begins to fade, I beg him to stay and fix this world. We need him! But he laughs his jazz laugh and promises I'll be fine without him soon, just work on the problem. Get over my problem with jerking off to hideous monsters. "One day, your cum will take us there," he says, "start calling your dick zephram cochrane now, my friend. You blow the load that takes this nation, takes the whole world, trekking to the stars." He pulls a dab rig from his suit jacket and as he rips a drat fine dab, he fades away. I must get to the bottom of this: TV's "birdperson" hinted at a special future for me, and now force obama?


I drink soda and take a piss and as I stand at the bowl, Piss dribbling from my dick...I feel it, I know what I am: a fuckmonster Frankencummer, the one who can cum in, on, around, over, under, within, without, the cosmic cummer, like a Leary-led Beatle eating all the acid, traversing dimensions, cumming on spores and into tardigrades......


...and that's when it hits me, it hits us all in five dimensions - black alert, white cum, fungus amongus, tardigrades grow from the sperms I show, and in the end the cum you make is equal to the tardigrades you take. That's where Ripper is from - I blew a load into space. I must have. because nothing else makes sense. Maybe I just cummed on a mushroom and the cumseeds blended with the spores and a tardigrade hatched and it grew into a massive murder-capable water bear... but he doesn't want to murder! He's the chilled out Ringotardi, he just wants to spore the gently caress out on some dope fuckin shroomies. so now i know how starfleet can find more tardies, just let me stand at an open airlock and blast space with my tardigrade-filled jism so starfleet can put shroomdrive with tardinavigrade steering in everything from small keurigs to the USS Enterprise and we can jump instantly into klingon space, even their private space, like where they keep their weiners and whatever their girls have for weiners, sending coffee and cum into any place the tardigrades see in their beatle-loving psychonaut brains, and maybe if we just appear instantly inside their klingon crevices to blast our loads and spray cafe au lait and then jump home again, making coffee in them guts and blasting spunk all over their nasty faces, and then peacing the gently caress out at once, then maybe the Klingons will realize how it feels whenever they Rape us. maybe they will stop! hopefully we won't like it so much we decide to do it constantly forever

Because it's easy to justify stuff if it's done to a monster. including rape. Especially rape. It's just a monster, so what me worry?!!! Rape that Klingon before it rapes us and our tardigrades!

next thing you know we'll be building a tardigrade powered tardis and my tardisgrade shall travel throughout time as well as space to dominate every possible moment of every Klingons existence EVER so we can just rape them into submission, like tom Baker would have done to the Klingons, just rape 'em to death. which tbh is the most truthful description I could muster of what starfleet truly does - always has and always will. starfleet rapecrew establishes an everlasting peace in our universe, it's coming soon. just gotta finish jacking off to this fuckin grody klingon lady!!!!!! then tardigrade-drive will lead to our final full rape of the galaxy.

But no matter what, I know that I can make star trek real if I jerk off to it hard enough. So lets get to jackin. Klingon lady, show me that big grody head!!!

quote:

Product Summary:

Entry Level Floor Mat-- this is our economy model. The males enrolled for this product are strictly non-voluntary. They are drawn from a variety of sources. The company warrants that each mat is fully alert and has been informed as to its role. For convenience, the arms and legs of each subject are removed prior to transformation. The man is then transferred to a standard mat 16 by 24 inches in size. The males head and torso occupies most of the mat, and are raised one inch above the surrounding material. They are available in clothed and unclothed models. The mat is a tough rubberized plastic, with a good amount of spring in those areas that are alive. Interactivity is limited. The eyes work well, and are capable of showing signs of distress. Tear ducts are functional. With high levels of pain the gelatinous core of the man vibrates, communicating some feedback on his level of distress to the woman above. As in all our products, the penis is affixed to the abdomen, and the surface raised an additional half inch. The testicles protrude from the base of the torso, and are separated to allow for individual attention. Genital features are not visible on clothed mats, but may be felt, even if the woman is wearing relatively thick soled shoes. The materials here are less expensive, but are guaranteed for a full five years. These models have minimal self repair capacity, thus it is recommended that high heels be used sparingly. These mats are a good purchase for the first time buyer. They are used at teenage parties, and make excellent bath and shower mats. They are good for a variety of impersonal uses, where long life span is not wanted.

The total investment is $10,000

Jon Pop posted:

I am not broken!!! The last week of senior year the whole class got together during lunch, and told me how much they hated me and how they deliberately isolated and attacked me with the sole intent of pushing me to commit suicide so that they could be on tv when the news cameras came. The humiliation, isolation, and beatings I endured for five years would have broken a navy seal. Every therapist I have told about my past has said they were surprised I didn't kill anyone or myself. Now I face a new bully. Feminism.

Gatekeeper posted:

I am taking my medication as prescribed now and feeling mostly better

City of Glompton posted:

sham bam, where the hell did that product summary come from?

City of Glompton posted:

Sham bam bamina! posted:

an honestly horrifying story called "Million Dollar Floormat"

that website's stories are pretty great in general




edit: ahahaha holy poo poo look at this

Sham bam bamina! posted:

you were groggery gibbonman? i remember those!

ed: i guess that's what "bfm" stood for

Splatmaster posted:

I see you there but I won't let you in though,
I love seeing rain when it's there on my window.
If I'm sitting at home or in a Ford Pinto,
I love it when I see rain on my window.

The sound of rain makes my ears happy,
Whenever I hear those raindrops splatting.
If I'm sitting outside it's just as well,
Because I get to enjoy the fresh rain smell!

Seeing little splatters on my windowsill,
Reminds me of the fact that it's raining still,
Fresh rain all day makes me smile,
When I'm sitting inside all warm and dry!

When I try to look out I can't really see though,
But that's ok it's just the rain on my window.
The sky's all gray but all I have to say is "so",
Can't see the sky because there's rain on my window.

Next time it rains you don't have to feel down,
Wear a smile on your face and trade in that frown,
Cheer up unless you would rather that it was snow,
Somewhere out there is rain on someone's window.

I see you there but I won't let you in though,
I love seeing rain when it's there on my window.
I could be outside soaked from head to toe,
I'm inside instead seeing rain on my window.

Rain on My Window ^{(C) TM All Rights Reserved}

A Splatmaster/Coolguye Production

City of Glompton posted:

yes I will def be doing BFM and Splatmaster requests. I'll try to do something of everyone's requests so hold tight everyone! I'll start recording tomorrow I think. prepping tonight.

TVsVeryOwn posted:

Is the the state names thread a good candidate? I don't know how funny reading a list would be.

City of Glompton posted:

this is the first time I've really added sound effects so that was fun and challenging and I think I could use some more practice

City of Glompton posted: