Register a SA Forums Account here!
JOINING THE SA FORUMS WILL REMOVE THIS BIG AD, THE ANNOYING UNDERLINED ADS, AND STUPID INTERSTITIAL ADS!!!

You can: log in, read the tech support FAQ, or request your lost password. This dumb message (and those ads) will appear on every screen until you register! Get rid of this crap by registering your own SA Forums Account and joining roughly 150,000 Goons, for the one-time price of $9.95! We charge money because it costs us $3,400 per month for bandwidth bills alone, and since we don't believe in shoving popup ads to our registered users, we try to make the money back through forum registrations.
«2 »
  • Locked thread
Cymbal Monkey
Apr 16, 2009

Lift Your Little Paws Like Antennas to Heaven!


My dad and I have had a very rocky relationship for a very long time. He's always been somewhat of a bully to me, and there's a few facets of his behaviour, and my behaviour, which I'll get to at the end of this post:

He's extremely judgemental, and hates basically everything about me, but will never target me directly. He'd constantly make terrible, cruel, mocking comments about groups I belong to (users of antidepressants, fat people, vegetarians, autistic people, people with ADHD), he'd happily make them with me in the room, but never actually towards me. Never the less, this hurt a lot, but I never said anything until fairly recently, and I'll explain why later.

He made me the responsible for anything he was unhappy with. The largest point of contention was the garage. When I was a kid, I liked to tinker and build things in the garage, I always had little projects, and the garage was always like a bomb site, just poo poo everywhere. He always placed the blame for this squarely on me, and chastised me regularly for it. I'm not saying I'm a clinically clean person. I don't always tidy up right away. I might leave a screwdriver on the bench if I think I'm going to come back to it, a bad habit, I'm aware. However, my dad is filthy, and I ended up stopping putting tools away because getting to the tool boxes (which were scattered to the four winds) became an actual hazard, between his fifty bikes and boxes that he'd just leave everywhere. I've been away from home for five years now, the garage is as bad as it's ever been, he will now, if you really press him, admit he's not tidy, but he will not apologise for how much poo poo he gave me over the years for the state of it. I use the garage story not because it's the only one, there's many such points like this, however I feel it's a good microcosm for our relationship.

Another issue I've long had is that he has zero respect for anyone's input, this is not limited to me, but he only likes yes-men, which I've never been capable of being. I hate to be one of the tfw2intelligent people, but I consider myself an intelligent person, and I think most people would agree with me, even my father (who has described me on multiple occasions as smarter than himself), but anything I say that isn't exactly what he wants to hear is just me being negative and terrible (because my dad is an eternal are rather naive optimist, and I'm conversely always considering the ways things can go wrong rather than go right. I've reached the point where I told him to stop asking for advice or input on anything, and when he tires to I tell him to figure it out himself because I'm not going to have him chew me out for not telling him the solution to his problem involves cuddling puppies and being given lots of money for free. I think this is because he'd always wanted the kind of relationship he had with his dad; my grandfather was his hero, and a genius in his own right, and he wanted me to look at him like he'd done his father, but by the time I was sixteen or so I no longer saw much to admire in my strangely gullible, blindly optimistic, averagely intelligent, slightly racist father. I didn't hate him by any means, I just didn't see anything I wanted to emulate in him, and I know this really hurt him, and as a result my intellectual independence from him felt like a blow.

The thing that really ate me though was the fact that, no matter who had done what (I do not claim I am blameless here), I was always the one to apologise, often literally apologising for being upset with him. The only time in my life he ever apologised to me for something was two years ago, I'd wanted an apology for years, but when I finally got it I felt nothing. It felt like the time for him to apologise had passed so long ago that this was a pointless gesture, and I said nothing, I just left in a rage.

Now, here's where I admit I've been less than perfect. I approach every interaction with him like a wounded animal, and I'm quick to lash out now, and when I do I tend to lay into him pretty hard, and according to my mum, in recent years I've begun to read things into our interactions that aren't there, and lash out at offences that only I see.

Over the years I'd been very clear about what needed to change on his part for our relationship to begin to heal, but he'd always say he was too old and stuck in his ways to change, which I always thought was just lazy bullshit on his part. It wasn't until I was put into treatment for being suicidal, and he actually thought there was a good chance he'd lose me, that he showed any willingness to try to be less awful, but honestly I didn't actually want hear it anymore, I felt like the time had passed, we'd spent a decade with this terrible relationship that he placed the blame for entirely on my shoulders, he had never once been willing to meet me half way, which I'd been trying to do for years, and now him telling me he wants us to get counselling just feels hollow. I don't know if I actually believe he's willing to put the work in, and more importantly I don't know if I actually want to repair this. Am I making a mistake?

I should say, my father is not a one-dimensionally awful person. I think he's a bully and an egotistic rear end in a top hat, be he has a Kantian sense of duty. He put my through university, I'll be graduation with almost no debt because of him. Financially, my family has wanted for very little, and he's sacrificed a lot for that. In many ways I am grateful for how much he's paved the trail for me and made my life appreciably easier, but I also recognise how much he did to erode my self esteem to the point where I tried to kill myself, and how unwilling he was to listen to me when I told him I was being hurt.

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

terminal chillness
Oct 16, 2008

This baby is off the charts

You don't need to keep him in your life just because he's your dad so the heart of the matter is do you think your life would be better off with or without him in it?

little munchkin
Aug 15, 2010



Part of family is loving someone despite their flaws, but on the other hand, you're under no obligation to engage with him if it's damaging to your mental health.

There's lots of people in my family who spend time together despite having dysfunctional interpersonal relationships. The key is that their independent now, it's a lot easier to brush stuff off when you go your separate ways at the end of the holiday/weekend/phonecall or whatever.

Give your father as much time as you feel comfortable with. Start off with something short like having dinner together. Have the mindset that he no longer has any control over you.Try to stay in the present so his words/actions don't open up old wounds. If he crosses a line focus on that and not you're history ("that's a hurtful thing to say" instead of "you always do this"). Brainstorm some conversation topics beforehand so you can change the subject if things get heated.

Then leave and see how things feel. Maybe you'll want to spend more time with him. Maybe you'll want to spend none. It's up to you.

Sucrose
Dec 9, 2009


You only get one dad.

420 SWAGLORD
Apr 20, 2014

saban bajramovic


I can see too much of my young self in your post and it makes me feel gross. Gonna call my dad today. Being smarter than other people doesn't make you better than them any more than being stronger does. It's crazy how many 'smart' people believe such a stupid thing. You admit yourself that you owe your dad everything you have. Your own mother tells you you're reading too much into things and projecting. Even with your 'intelligence' and the opportunity to cherry pick what to present to us you come across as a petulant child. Your garage story doesn't show you being treated unfairly and its hilarious that you think it does. Put his drat tools away, they're not yours to mess up, him being messy with them doesn't change that. Free access to that garage as a kid is the kind of thing that develops the intelligence you're so proud of and you should be grateful. Imagine after 20-some years the son you let tinker with your stuff all his life is a legal adult in theory worthy of your respect, but the little poo poo *still* can't put a socket back when he's done and freaks out about how its not his fault whenever you mention it. I'd be pissed off too.

Should you repair or abandon your relationship with your dad? Dude, your relationship is your dad trying to repair you. Poor guy is saddled with a hell of a project though. My recommendation is neither of those things, it's travel (without your family). Even just try living in a new town for a while. I think that if you see some more of the world and get a better sense of your place in it you'll be better able to relate to your dad. Worst case scenario a little humility and empathy never hurt anyone. This whole situation will look a *lot* different (and at least a little embarrassing) when dad's not a central authority figure anymore

terminal chillness
Oct 16, 2008

This baby is off the charts

If the relationship is valuable to you then you should work to repair it. The primary way you're going to do that is by building boundaries around the behavior that negatively impacts you. So if he's overly critical tell him "Dad, I love you, but I can't sit here and listen to you talk to me that way. Please stop or I'll have to leave." and then have the balls to back it up because it's an established dance between the two of you and he will test the boundary whether he means to or not.

terminal chillness
Oct 16, 2008

This baby is off the charts

Also yes you are probably being overly sensitive but I think a lot of that just comes from not having boundaries and letting poo poo build up until you can't take it anymore.

Dr Cox MD
Sep 11, 2001

Listen Up, Newbies.

It's difficult to accept, but you are the one who has to change. Once you realize that your father will never change you can begin to set realistic expectations for your interactions with him. You have no control over him, only yourself. Not far off from realistic expectations are setting boundaries and sticking to them. Now that you're on your own, you can easily limit contact with him. I'm not saying, speak with him less, but only speak with him when they are respecting your boundaries.

People in your family of origin not only know how to push your buttons, *they programmed the buttons.* Once you stop reacting to their jabs they will lose their power. Just act like a decent human being and they will become more and more aggressive, trying to provoke a response from you. It's quite a sight to behold, someone remaining calm while another hurls expletives at them, refusing to fight. If you're lucky outsiders will witness it.

You might look into greyrocking, which makes you less of a target for ridicule and abuse. However, if they begin to harass you, avoid circular conversations by never resorting to any JADE behavior - Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain

I know it's sad, you may mourn the loss of the relationship you wish you had. But once you accept the situation for what it is, you can begin to take an active role in your own life, instead of reacting to the drama in the lives of others. Good job being on your own for five years, that's a big accomplishment... one of the most difficult things is extracting yourself from these situations.

420 SWAGLORD posted:

Should you repair or abandon your relationship with your dad? Dude, your relationship is your dad trying to repair you.

You must respect this, but be mindful that these people are the ones who created the issues they are trying to "repair."

Scudworth
Jan 1, 2005

When life gives you lemons, you clone those lemons, and make super lemons.


Dinosaur Gum

If you want permission to cut your dad out of your life here it is: YOU CAN DO THAT.

Raising you, keeping a roof over your head (this is a base standard for parenting by the way, not a trophy achievement) and paying for your education isn't a trade off for him eroding you to the point of suicide. No amount of money is trade for that poo poo. "but he pays the bills!!" has been the chain keeping people in poo poo relationships all through history. It's not payment.

He's not changing. Keep him at a much further distance or cut him out or whatever, you are allowed to do that.

Cymbal Monkey
Apr 16, 2009

Lift Your Little Paws Like Antennas to Heaven!


Dr Cox MD posted:

It's difficult to accept, but you are the one who has to change. Once you realize that your father will never change you can begin to set realistic expectations for your interactions with him. You have no control over him, only yourself. Not far off from realistic expectations are setting boundaries and sticking to them. Now that you're on your own, you can easily limit contact with him. I'm not saying, speak with him less, but only speak with him when they are respecting your boundaries.

People in your family of origin not only know how to push your buttons, *they programmed the buttons.* Once you stop reacting to their jabs they will lose their power. Just act like a decent human being and they will become more and more aggressive, trying to provoke a response from you. It's quite a sight to behold, someone remaining calm while another hurls expletives at them, refusing to fight. If you're lucky outsiders will witness it.

You might look into greyrocking, which makes you less of a target for ridicule and abuse. However, if they begin to harass you, avoid circular conversations by never resorting to any JADE behavior - Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain

I know it's sad, you may mourn the loss of the relationship you wish you had. But once you accept the situation for what it is, you can begin to take an active role in your own life, instead of reacting to the drama in the lives of others. Good job being on your own for five years, that's a big accomplishment... one of the most difficult things is extracting yourself from these situations.


You must respect this, but be mindful that these people are the ones who created the issues they are trying to "repair."

To use term grey rocking, which I only just learned, I did that for years. Hell, it was only after I'd lived alone for a few years that I actually started fighting him. I was bullied a lot by my peers and my dad when I lived with him, and every time I told him that what he says hurts me I would be the one who had to fall on his sword and be sorry for being hurt, and eventually I believed, truly internalised, that people have the right to hurt me, and that my role in my family and society at large was punching bag/bitch. It was only when I moved to a completely different continent, had control over my life and who was in it, that I realised I didn't have to accept this, but even that took years, and it's still not fully clicked. It's something I tell myself rather than something I believe.



420 SWAGLORD posted:

I can see too much of my young self in your post and it makes me feel gross. Gonna call my dad today. Being smarter than other people doesn't make you better than them any more than being stronger does. It's crazy how many 'smart' people believe such a stupid thing. You admit yourself that you owe your dad everything you have. Your own mother tells you you're reading too much into things and projecting. Even with your 'intelligence' and the opportunity to cherry pick what to present to us you come across as a petulant child. Your garage story doesn't show you being treated unfairly and its hilarious that you think it does. Put his drat tools away, they're not yours to mess up, him being messy with them doesn't change that. Free access to that garage as a kid is the kind of thing that develops the intelligence you're so proud of and you should be grateful. Imagine after 20-some years the son you let tinker with your stuff all his life is a legal adult in theory worthy of your respect, but the little poo poo *still* can't put a socket back when he's done and freaks out about how its not his fault whenever you mention it. I'd be pissed off too.

Should you repair or abandon your relationship with your dad? Dude, your relationship is your dad trying to repair you. Poor guy is saddled with a hell of a project though. My recommendation is neither of those things, it's travel (without your family). Even just try living in a new town for a while. I think that if you see some more of the world and get a better sense of your place in it you'll be better able to relate to your dad. Worst case scenario a little humility and empathy never hurt anyone. This whole situation will look a *lot* different (and at least a little embarrassing) when dad's not a central authority figure anymore

I pin a lot on my ability to be clever because it was the only thing that hadn't been ground out of me, it was and is literally the only facet of myself that I thought wasn't awful, so when he treats me like I'm stupid (which is especially insulting when he asks me things directly related to my degree and then tells I'm an idiot) it's pretty rough, it's the one little shred of self esteem I have.

I've lived on a different continent for five years now, and honestly what I've taken away from it is that he didn't have a right to treat me the way he did.

Tortuga
Aug 27, 2011

Just another day in paradise

Cymbal Monkey posted:

I'd wanted an apology for years, but when I finally got it I felt nothing. It felt like the time for him to apologise had passed so long ago that this was a pointless gesture, and I said nothing, I just left in a rage.

This is fairly common between family members with long attritional pasts and people can waste years of their adult lives fretting about what happened long ago without realizing there's often no satisfactory way outcome.

It's only worth doing one of two things. Either build a new relationship as two individuals from the present going forward or just don't, and move on.

420 SWAGLORD
Apr 20, 2014

saban bajramovic


Cymbal Monkey posted:

I've lived on a different continent for five years now, and honestly what I've taken away from it is that he didn't have a right to treat me the way he did.

There has to be more you can take away than that from living your own life separate from your family in a new country for five years, smart guy like you. No one has a 'right' to treat any one any way, rights are just a concept and not one that even applies here. You don't have a 'right' to trash his garage and You don't have any deeper insight than that after five years?

I'm echoing the sentiment that you should distance yourself from your father, but I also want to be super clear that it is *not* because he is the monster you are crudely trying to paint him as but because genuine independence will give you more respect for yourself and a better understanding of your father. Even with you in full control of the narrative he comes off to me as a patient and giving man doing his best to relate to a very troubled adult son. He has tried to apologize to you, in your own words you "left in a rage" because it didn't feel the way you wanted it to.

I won't ask you to dox yourself, but age and experience are extremely relevant pieces of this puzzle and you'd do well to be honest with yourself about just how well-informed your perspective is right now

Cymbal Monkey
Apr 16, 2009

Lift Your Little Paws Like Antennas to Heaven!


420 SWAGLORD posted:

There has to be more you can take away than that from living your own life separate from your family in a new country for five years, smart guy like you. No one has a 'right' to treat any one any way, rights are just a concept and not one that even applies here. You don't have a 'right' to trash his garage and You don't have any deeper insight than that after five years?

I'm echoing the sentiment that you should distance yourself from your father, but I also want to be super clear that it is *not* because he is the monster you are crudely trying to paint him as but because genuine independence will give you more respect for yourself and a better understanding of your father. Even with you in full control of the narrative he comes off to me as a patient and giving man doing his best to relate to a very troubled adult son. He has tried to apologize to you, in your own words you "left in a rage" because it didn't feel the way you wanted it to.

I won't ask you to dox yourself, but age and experience are extremely relevant pieces of this puzzle and you'd do well to be honest with yourself about just how well-informed your perspective is right now

I had been asking for an apology for literally anything for eight years by that point. It was too late, and it was for one very specific thing in the moment that he apologised for.

Cymbal Monkey
Apr 16, 2009

Lift Your Little Paws Like Antennas to Heaven!


420 SWAGLORD posted:

I won't ask you to dox yourself, but age and experience are extremely relevant pieces of this puzzle and you'd do well to be honest with yourself about just how well-informed your perspective is right now

I'm 25, still in university, studying engineering (it's taken me a bit longer because I had to put a year on hold to go not kill myself).

Caufman
May 7, 2007



Howdy, Cymbal Monkey. I sympathize and relate with your story. I also have parents who've been both hurtful and not completely flawed.

Cymbal Monkey posted:

Over the years I'd been very clear about what needed to change on his part for our relationship to begin to heal, but he'd always say he was too old and stuck in his ways to change, which I always thought was just lazy bullshit on his part. It wasn't until I was put into treatment for being suicidal, and he actually thought there was a good chance he'd lose me, that he showed any willingness to try to be less awful, but honestly I didn't actually want hear it anymore, I felt like the time had passed, we'd spent a decade with this terrible relationship that he placed the blame for entirely on my shoulders, he had never once been willing to meet me half way, which I'd been trying to do for years, and now him telling me he wants us to get counselling just feels hollow. I don't know if I actually believe he's willing to put the work in, and more importantly I don't know if I actually want to repair this. Am I making a mistake?

The ball is totally in your court. You won't lose my respect either way. Regardless of what you choose, your father needs to learn about taking ownership of the consequences of his action. He bullied you in your most vulnerable years when he was supposed to be nurturing you. If a consequence of that is that you want nothing to do with him anymore, he's got no one else to blame for the big role his actions played in your decision. But since you're asking yourself what to do, I'd just add some other clarifying questions to help you make the best call you can. Going to counseling with your father is going to put you in a vulnerable spot. It will bring up the past, and there are no guarantees that your father's behavior will significantly change or that the professional in the room will be competent. Knowing that, being vulnerable in that room carries the risk of opening up some emotional pain that your father and the therapist might not ever help to heal. If that happens, how bad would that be? Do you have a new, strong support system where you can risk emotional pain and walk away confident that that garbage wasn't on you, that you're truly worthwhile, and that you've got plenty love in your life already? And if that's not where you are and being in a room with your father isn't worth the risk, ain't no shame in that either.

Also consider what the best case scenario would be, and add that to your calculation of whether this counseling is worth your time and vulnerability. Best case seems to be that he has a genuinely new perspective, and that he can be meaningfully change the way he behaves around you and other people. Would it mean a lot to you if every time you saw him for the rest of his life, he could express to you his total regret for the full wrong he did in a way that was believable to you?

From way out here and going by what you've said, I'd say that you're more than justified ignoring your father's request for family counseling. But I'd also say that going to an hour/2-hour session doesn't sound risky beyond consideration. You know your situation better than I. I think you'll make the right call.

Jeza
Feb 13, 2011

The cries of the dead are terrible indeed; you should try not to hear them.


Must be nice to be able to offshore the blame in your life onto your father. Your immaturity shines through your post like a beacon. 420 SWAGLORD (lol) is absolutely bang on.

It doesn't matter that your father is a stubborn, bullish, meat-eating, not-in-touch-with-his-emotions, bootstraps-mindset stick in the mud. It doesn't matter that you grew up into somebody with a totally different worldview. This is a dime a dozen situation. You are not going to get an apology for your teenage dramatics, and you don't need one or particularly deserve one from how it sounds.

It's actually kind of sick that you dissociate the support you've been given by him as coming from a "Kantian sense of duty" and the way you've blown off his attempts to reach out during and post being suicidal, writing them off as "oh now you care about me" like a petulant child, when they were clearly coming from a parent who loves but completely does not understand their child.

You are obviously not ready for a rapprochement with your father. You may never be. He will likely not change who he is, although suggesting joint counseling is already a pretty shocking concession given your painting of him. Make peace with the idea that he won't change. Grow up, find true financial and emotional independence and then you can choose to bury the hatchet or not and build a relationship on different terms.

cda
Jan 2, 2010



My advice, would be to neither repair, nor abandon your relationship with your dad. Why do you think you have to do one or the other?

KomodoWagon
May 10, 2013



You should definitely sever. Your father would be much better off without a petulant ingrate like you in his life.

Octolady
May 9, 2009

the elegant cephalopod

I think the fact that your father has tried to make up for his actions and suggested counselling is a big step forward, I can understand your reluctance to accept but it may be worth having a conversation about it and approaching with an open mind if heís still someone you want in your life. I honestly believe that family is what you make of it, and no you arenít under any obligation to continue being around someone who makes you unhappy, but if you donít try at least do you think you might end up regretting it?
My mother is an emotionally stunted career woman who was absent for most of my life and verbally abused me during some of my most vulnerable moments because she didnít understand depression. She has years later made some attempts at reconciling and I have tried to forgive. You canít change the fact that these things happen, itís not uncommon, but itís up to you how to handle your relationship with him.

Cymbal Monkey
Apr 16, 2009

Lift Your Little Paws Like Antennas to Heaven!


Octolady posted:

I think the fact that your father has tried to make up for his actions and suggested counselling is a big step forward, I can understand your reluctance to accept but it may be worth having a conversation about it and approaching with an open mind if heís still someone you want in your life. I honestly believe that family is what you make of it, and no you arenít under any obligation to continue being around someone who makes you unhappy, but if you donít try at least do you think you might end up regretting it?

First of all, it was actually mum who wanted us to try counselling, my dad agreed, I said no. We've never actually discussed it directly because because we basically only communicate through her as a mediator now, which is understandably tough and her and if I do go to counselling a big reason for it will be so the she's not trapped between us anymore. The biggest reason I would though is that fear of regret. I don't actually want to go to counselling with him, I don't like him, I certainly don't love him, I consider him a bully and a narcissist, and it's only been through distance from him that I've managed to count the cost of of living with him for twenty years. I worry though, that one day he'll die and I'll regret having said it's too late for our relationship.

Torquemada
Oct 21, 2010

Unexpected.


Iím sure your dad is as annoying as hell OP, but you seem really annoying too. Try and work it out I guess?

Octolady
May 9, 2009

the elegant cephalopod

Cymbal Monkey posted:

First of all, it was actually mum who wanted us to try counselling, my dad agreed, I said no. We've never actually discussed it directly because because we basically only communicate through her as a mediator now, which is understandably tough and her and if I do go to counselling a big reason for it will be so the she's not trapped between us anymore. The biggest reason I would though is that fear of regret. I don't actually want to go to counselling with him, I don't like him, I certainly don't love him, I consider him a bully and a narcissist, and it's only been through distance from him that I've managed to count the cost of of living with him for twenty years. I worry though, that one day he'll die and I'll regret having said it's too late for our relationship.

Ooookay, in that case, your father is still open to reconciliation while you are not. This is your decision, and thatís fine. I donít know if anyone of us can make that decision for you if thatís what youíre wanting. I personally think if you feel youíll regret it, ONE session to give him a chance would be a fair compromise. If it goes nowhere or your fathers behaviour is out of line during the session then you donít have to go back.

Bobbie Wickham
Apr 13, 2008

A redheaded hussy who ought to be smacked and sent to bed without her supper



You've already made your decision, so why are you asking us? You don't want to go to family counseling, you don't want to accept your father's apology because it didn't feel good enough to you, you obviously don't have any good feelings towards your father, you think you've got him and your relationship with him all figured out, so cut him out if your life already.

For what it's worth, I think you need counseling of your own. You remind me of my sister, who is also very smart but is completely loving stupid when it comes to psychology. We did family counseling together and it helped us a lot, if only to have a PsyD tell my sister she's too demanding when it comes to apologies (they're never sincere or specific enough for her to accept) and clings to old hurts at her own peril. She still has a lot of resentment that she holds on to, and makes asinine assumptions about people's psychology (she tends to assume the worst and proclaims it as fact), but she's gotten a lot better. She still needs counseling of her own, though. And so do you; you're carrying a lot of resentment.

Antivehicular
Dec 30, 2011

I won a rosette in the Thunderdome


Adding to the chorus of people who think you've already decided to cut your dad out of your life and are just asking the forum to give you permission. If that's your decision, that's your decision, and I'm not sure what else we can say about it.

Here's my question: you mention your mom a few times, as an intermediary between you and your dad and also as the one who suggested family counseling. If you decide to cut your dad out of your life, how will that affect your relationship with your mom, and does that matter to you? I'm not saying you have to mend fences for her sake, but it's something you should think about and try to figure out how to negotiate.

BB2K
Oct 9, 2012


serious question, if youre so smart why are you fat?

504
Feb 2, 2016



You're a fat depressed, autistic, vegetarian with ADD?

Bobbie Wickham
Apr 13, 2008

A redheaded hussy who ought to be smacked and sent to bed without her supper



Probably only has ADD, not ADHD, and is one of those vegetarians who eats tons of pasta, bread, and rice. Bonus points if he's an ovo-lacto vegetarian who stuffs his face with Egg McMuffins.

Octolady
May 9, 2009

the elegant cephalopod

Ay thatís me (minus the ADD and Egg McMuffins)

Enfys
Feb 17, 2013

A yak is born

Cymbal Monkey posted:

just me being negative and terrible (because my dad is an eternal are rather naive optimist, and I'm conversely always considering the ways things can go wrong rather than go right.


You might think this particular way of looking at the world makes you smarter than your dad, but I promise that it will actually make you have a much more miserable and anxiety-stricken life than your father's optimism. It's not that you are smarter for being able to see the problems with something; that is an almost universal trait among depressed, anxious people who lack self-efficacy. People who always look for the negative will never fail to find and surround themselves with all the negatives in life. People who consider only the ways things can go wrong rather than right will struggle to solve problems productively - it's far, far easier to point out potential problems than it is to figure out how to make things work. That is where true creativity and intelligence shines. You have a limited amount of mental resources and energy, and if you spend all of it focusing on what can go wrong, you won't be working on productive ways to try to make things go right (or at least better). Sitting back and pointing out flaws is a very passive activity. You'll take far fewer risks and be far more reluctant to change yourself or your life circumstances when you are focused on identifying everything that is or could go wrong.

It's an incredibly common and incredibly destructive mindset among mentally unhealthy people, and if there is one thing you should really try to change, it's this way of looking at the world. You think your negativity makes you more intelligent (the way all cynics describe themselves as realists), but you're setting yourself up for a much more unhappy and difficult life struggles with this mindset.


Also, give your dad a break for having "just" average intelligence. Your contempt for his intelligence is blindly obvious from the multiple times you mention it. If it's that obvious in a handful of posts, I'm sure it's even more obvious to him and might be part of what provokes him to question you or try to prove to you that he knows things. More than that though, it's a lovely thing to look down on someone because of their intelligence as it's something they cannot control. It's not his fault for possessing average intelligence any more than it is to your credit for possessing above average intelligence. What you'll learn once you finish school and really have to start living as an adult is that intelligence doesn't matter nearly as much as how hard you work to accomplish something. Plenty of people with above average intelligence fail to get anywhere as adults because they fail to recognise that intelligence is a tool that can make things easier, not something that does the work for you. Your dad was able to support your family and pay for your education (and whatever his faults, don't underestimate what a huge gift it is to be able to enter adulthood without debt) with his average intelligence, and the ability to get results is going to count for a lot more than how smart you are.

SUPERMAN'S GAL PAL
Feb 21, 2006

Holy Moly! DARKSEID IS!


I donít have much to say compared to others who have contributed good advice to this thread, but as someone who grew up mentally/emotionally abused by my father to a point where I basically disowned him until I had to come home to help my mother care for him in his final years of dementia: spending time hating him for what he did to you is not worth it. I spent a lot of time in anger for how he did me and my family wrong and it was absolutely unproductive. It wasnít until I got into therapy after he died that I really began to improve. I donít like to spend time regretting stuff I didnít do sooner, but it was nothing but harmful to me and my growth out of how the abuse impacted me.

Dr. Susan Forwardís Toxic Parents is about 40 years old but is still helpful in sussing out how abuse impacts the child we once were and how to confront our parents as part of finally becoming independent of them and their abuse.

let it mellow
Jun 1, 2000



Dinosaur Gum

BB2K posted:

serious question, if youre so smart why are you fat?

this is a good question

Slime
Jan 3, 2007

by Lowtax


504 posted:

You're a fat depressed, autistic, vegetarian with ADD?

is there an E/N bingo sheet for this stuff

Cymbal Monkey
Apr 16, 2009

Lift Your Little Paws Like Antennas to Heaven!


BB2K posted:

serious question, if youre so smart why are you fat?

Because when you start gaining a bit of weight because of a new medication and you get a little worried about it so you wanna go to the gym or hit the cycling trail but you can't because your dad has spent the six years telling you how much he hates seeing fat people at the gym or taking up space on his cycling path so you just accept that it's over for you and eat the loving food because it's the only thing that gives you the tiniest amount of dopamine in your terrible life that you wish would end every second of every day.

Enfys
Feb 17, 2013

A yak is born

Start counting calories to help with weight loss as diet will always be more important than exercise if you're fat. Once you see where your calories are coming from, it's much easier to make small yet manageable changes.

Exercise because it will really help both your mental and physical health. You don't have to go to a gym if you don't want to - start going for walks, which will be easier on your joints anyway if you're overweight. You can do a bunch of body weight exercises without needing a gym or fancy equipment. It really will help your mental health and is worth doing.

Cymbal Monkey
Apr 16, 2009

Lift Your Little Paws Like Antennas to Heaven!


Enfys posted:

Start counting calories to help with weight loss as diet will always be more important than exercise if you're fat. Once you see where your calories are coming from, it's much easier to make small yet manageable changes.

Exercise because it will really help both your mental and physical health. You don't have to go to a gym if you don't want to - start going for walks, which will be easier on your joints anyway if you're overweight. You can do a bunch of body weight exercises without needing a gym or fancy equipment. It really will help your mental health and is worth doing.

I walk a lot because I don't have a car and in that regard I'm actually in good shape, I can walk forever, that's no problem. Portion control is harder because I make everything from scratch to save money and I do a lot of bulk-cook one pot meals where the liquid content is pretty variable and nailing the numbers on those was basically impossible. It would be easier if I just lived on tins of soup and poo poo with easily available information but I can't afford that/don't want to eat such sad food.

Cymbal Monkey
Apr 16, 2009

Lift Your Little Paws Like Antennas to Heaven!


Even getting out and walking can be pretty nerve wracking though, I did/still do believe that my weight makes me such an offensive sight that I don't have the right to go outside and inflict that on people (no points for guessing who taught me this). It's really, really difficult to get out, but I do out of necessity.

Mr. Pickles
Mar 19, 2014

GOOD BOY


Cymbal Monkey posted:

Now, here's where I admit I've been less than perfect. I approach every interaction with him like a wounded animal, and I'm quick to lash out now, and when I do I tend to lay into him pretty hard, and according to my mum, in recent years I've begun to read things into our interactions that aren't there, and lash out at offences that only I see.

First off, you should take what your mom says about your dad with a grain of salt and vice versa. Trust in your own judgment on whether things they do or say to you are offensive or not.

Dads are assholes (thanks Bill Murray!), and the ones who make a lot of money and pay for your college are usually the worst ones. But it's still okay. In the big picture, money makes most things okay. You should lash out and be an rear end in a top hat if you need to, so long as it's part of your "plan" to get better for yourself and move on from his judgmental attitude.

You also need to realize that his opinions are his own and they should have 0 effect on what you think of yourself. Meaning, if you think you can't go to the gym to burn calories, just because some old dude thinks fat people at the gym suck, you're really doing it wrong. Stop giving a crap about what old people think, goon!

Bobbie Wickham
Apr 13, 2008

A redheaded hussy who ought to be smacked and sent to bed without her supper



Cymbal Monkey posted:

I walk a lot because I don't have a car and in that regard I'm actually in good shape, I can walk forever, that's no problem. Portion control is harder because I make everything from scratch to save money and I do a lot of bulk-cook one pot meals where the liquid content is pretty variable and nailing the numbers on those was basically impossible. It would be easier if I just lived on tins of soup and poo poo with easily available information but I can't afford that/don't want to eat such sad food.

If you're so drat smart, Mr. Engineer whose jobfield entails working with numbers, you could figure it out.

420 SWAGLORD
Apr 20, 2014

saban bajramovic


Bobbie Wickham posted:

If you're so drat smart, Mr. Engineer whose jobfield entails working with numbers, you could figure it out.

Weigh utilized ingredient containers before and after meal preparation, calculate nutritional value of the sum of ingredients removed from your stores, divide by number of portions created. And I'm not even an engineer! You could automate everything but the weighing with wolfram alpha too

(this guy isn't actually very smart. at all. his dad shouldn't have spoiled him so much)

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

KomodoWagon
May 10, 2013



Imagine busting your rear end for 20+ years to turn a child into a man and instead it turns into this loving goober lol

I'd kill myself

  • Locked thread
«2 »