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dreadmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

This is a thread for posting stories that you're going to submit to online publications. Please post your drafts for critique and comment - normal CC rules apply, be harsh but don't be a dick.

It's become less of an issue, but a lot of publications still don't like stories that exist elsewhere on the web, so either post them as a google doc (with permissions) or post then delete when you sub.

Also, don't quote peoples stuff to crit it - either give them general comments, or use the gdoc comments (but don't quote the link).

HAVE AT IT

dreadmojo fucked around with this message at Mar 27, 2018 around 08:22

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dreadmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

Here's as much as I wrote of my failed thunderdome entry, to finish it by 31 march 2359 pst.

e: first draft done lol wtf

"Why did you quit violin when you were nine?" said Meli-9-alpha.

Starships can be disconcerting conversationalists. A side effect of the Lazenby Protocol that lets them enter pIhase space is that they have no sense of linear time and are theoretically aware of everything. Most of the time they hold focus but as the great turbines spin up to transition they can start to get drifty.

"I wanted to be a rock star," I said. My feet were propped up on the drive console. There's a lot of scut work with getting a ship out of system, but once the count is on it's all down to the brain.

"You are too ugly," said Mel. Her synth-face was glitching on the 3vis as she cut in more and more of her segmented brain to the shift calc. "Picking up incoming, still within parameters."

"You're a very bad friend, Mel." I smiled then realised what I was looking at. "Those are coming in fast, aren't they. Do we have their vectors logged?"

Mel's face flickered into a tree, then a cloud of birds, then an old fashioned pocketwatch. "No. There should be nothing within an AU of us. I’m reading three, civilian spec. Her face fined up, synthetic brow creased. “Abort before we hit the wall?”

My feet were on the ground and I was flipping through scan visualisations and trajectory projections. “No, the vanes are still creaky from that pebble two systems back, might break the hell off. And we don’t know who they are, I don’t want to be stuck here a day while the cap recharges..” I found what I was looking for and flung it up in the corner of the bridge. The shimmering numbers hit the wall and stuck, sizzling slightly. Three minutes and forty two seconds.

That’s how long we’ve got. Can you hail them?”

Mel’s eyes were burning now, her image vibrating with a hallucinatory clarity. I’m on my third ring. Ah they picked up. Central viz.

The picture unfolded over the main screen. A woman, greying hair, oxy mask hanging round her neck. She was vaguely familiar-looking but the view of the ship behind her was blurry. “Have you accepted the Light of the Star into your life?” she said, eyes blazing.

“Have you accepted the light of getting the gently caress out of our way? We’re on final count here,” said Mel.

“Captain, are you prosyletising at the Warp Threshold?” I asked. “Have you considered finding a doorstep instead.”

The woman’s face fell. “It’s illegal now. They had a court case.”

I flung my arms wide. “How is that my problem? You have one minute twenty before I tell my friend here to punch us through regardless and bring you through in pieces. Ware away, skipper.”

She shook her head, decisively. “You need to accept the Star. Say it. Say “I accept the Star”” The lines on the viz that I could see dimly through the image of her bullish, tattooed face tweaked sharply as the interlopers put on a sudden burst of speed.

Then I realised why she looked familiar.

“Mother? What the hell are you doing out here?”

Mel’s face collapsed into a fractal shower of crystals, then reformed as she flipped up a personal file photo of my mother and matched it on to the haggard spaceship captain. 98.94% match… poss gene surgery? hovered in the corner.

“Andy? I’m so glad!” Her face creased into happy crinkles. “Now I know you’ll accept the star into your life!”

I said nothing, my mind pinballing all the things that I’d seen and done since I last saw my mother. The years in the asteroid prison, riding the solar winds with Deke and the Corona Gang, getting my big break with the Encephalisers and beaming psych funk down to the miners in Mare Serenitatis…

“Where were you? Where did you go? You said you were popping out to get a sixpack? We went looking when you didn’t come back and found the sixpack in the concourse, but not you.”

I could feel tears, marshalling behind my eyes. Goddammit I hadn’t cried for years.

My mind was pinballing off all the things that I’d seen and done since I last saw my mother. The years in the asteroid prison, riding the solar winds with Deke and the Corona Gang, getting my big break with the Encephalisers and beaming psych funk down to the miners in Mare Serenitatis…

Ï’m sorry son. I really am. I got chatting to a lady in the queue, and it turned out she was a disciple of the Star and so I accepted the Star into my life and that’s all she wrote. I was on a shuttle that night and I’ve been spreading the word ever since. Speaking of which, you need to accept the star into your life.”

“I’ll do it,” said Mel. Her face was placid, perfect as a porcelain doll. “I accept the Star into my life.”

“Awreet!” screamed my mother. She slammed her hand down on a contact and a flaring blast of static rattled through the comm.

Mel’s face vanished, replaced by an n-dimensional polyhedron in perfect, lustrous black. The surface rippled, and reformed into her face, gleaming and oily.

“Incursion detected. Malware. Deploying counters. Andrei. We need some rock and roll.

I reached behind me and swung my axe into my lap, slammed all the fuzz parameters to max and thrashed into the opening bars of “Interstellar Shaggin Wagon”

On the screen my long last mother’s face was creased with joy as the great turbines started to whirl, faster and faster, before punching us through the hype and into the night.



dreadmojo fucked around with this message at Apr 1, 2018 around 08:55

Morning Bell
Feb 23, 2006



Yams Fan

It's poetry I'm posting poetry. First and last are a bit character and place-specific ( / ) and all are not pub-standard yet and probably too long, but boy would I like to clean them up for it and gee whiz would I love comments in the googledocs about any or all of them cheers.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/...dit?usp=sharing

ThirdEmperor
Aug 7, 2013


SCREAMING YES
MOTHERFUCKER
I AM GUILTY, I AM DEATH


https://docs.google.com/document/d/...it?usp=drivesdk

Looking for general feedback on the first part before I talk about my intentions for the extended piece. Much appreciated and I'll return the favor of course.

feedmyleg
Dec 25, 2004

EVERY FAIRY TALE NEEDS ITS HERO.

It's the story I was told "Is this publishable? Absolutely not." in the TD! Yes, the one everyone made testicle puns about.

edit: link removed

Seeing as how that particular user seemed to think that the story had no "kind of commentary about society or people or anything besides the played out cliche of 'lol rich people dumb", I'd mostly like feedback on how I can strengthen my intended themes. Mainly, the unhealthy obsession with looking and feeling younger as we age, the great lengths we'll go to in order to attempt to reverse a natural bodily process, and how wanting to look a decade younger than you are is a type of body dysmorphia rooted in a deep-seated self-hatred. I wanted the character to actually start feeling younger and happier when he approached the problem in an emotionally healthy way (ate real food, read a book, went for a jog but not obsessively) rather than an unhealthy way (cheating on his wife with a younger woman, becoming obsessed with his appearance), surgery aside.

Also, wouldn't mind general structure/prose tips as well as how to make a misguided character like this interesting. I was intentionally writing it a bit overwrought in order to reflect the character's upper-crust aloofness (because, I felt, a character who has time and money to obsess over their appearance can show the extremes), but if that wasn't a good choice or I didn't pull it off, tips on how to be more successful with that would be great.

e: Or, if you think that the subject matter is too inherently absurd/dumb to make the points that I was trying to make, I wouldn't mind hearing that too.

feedmyleg fucked around with this message at Apr 2, 2018 around 10:28

Nae!
Aug 5, 2004

Dislikes: Middle-class ideals


College Slice

feedmyleg posted:

It's the story I was told "Is this publishable? Absolutely not." in the TD! Yes, the one everyone made testicle puns about.

This is a competently written story that is absolutely destroyed by a 300-word opening about a man playing with his balls. Cut the opening, start with the tennis match, and then you can actually begin editing what you have. If you don't, no one will ever read past the first page.

Antivehicular
Dec 30, 2011

I won a rosette in the Thunderdome


I'm planning on writing full crits for that TDome week, including that story, but before: yeah, the public-hair opening absolutely needs to go. I'm on the fence about the cloaca. On one hand, it's appropriate to the themes of the story that the surgery result in what most people would consider to be a horrific outcome, but which the protagonist finds positive because he's so broken by dysmorphia and wellness obsession; on the other, I really suspect this incarnation of that is maybe a little too absurd to get to the horror across over the initial juvenile snicker/gross-out. The pubic hair opening is all juvenile snickering and doesn't put the reader in the right frame of mind. Can you think of an alternate way to convey the protagonist's issues?

areyoucontagious
Jun 13, 2007

Hell is other people.


Nothing to see here

areyoucontagious fucked around with this message at Mar 28, 2018 around 18:30

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


feedmyleg posted:

It's the story I was told "Is this publishable? Absolutely not." in the TD! Yes, the one everyone made testicle puns about.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/...dit?usp=sharing

Seeing as how that particular user seemed to think that the story had no "kind of commentary about society or people or anything besides the played out cliche of 'lol rich people dumb", I'd mostly like feedback on how I can strengthen my intended themes. Mainly, the unhealthy obsession with looking and feeling younger as we age, the great lengths we'll go to in order to attempt to reverse a natural bodily process, and how wanting to look a decade younger than you are is a type of body dysmorphia rooted in a deep-seated self-hatred. I wanted the character to actually start feeling younger and happier when he approached the problem in an emotionally healthy way (ate real food, read a book, went for a jog but not obsessively) rather than an unhealthy way (cheating on his wife with a younger woman, becoming obsessed with his appearance), surgery aside.

Also, wouldn't mind general structure/prose tips as well as how to make a misguided character like this interesting. I was intentionally writing it a bit overwrought in order to reflect the character's upper-crust aloofness (because, I felt, a character who has time and money to obsess over their appearance can show the extremes), but if that wasn't a good choice or I didn't pull it off, tips on how to be more successful with that would be great.

e: Or, if you think that the subject matter is too inherently absurd/dumb to make the points that I was trying to make, I wouldn't mind hearing that too.

my big issue is that i think you overplay the stereotype of the protagonist. he's not interesting because he doesnt feel like an actual human being. i mean, the desires to forever stay young and be youthful and the extreme measures we do to keep that isnt necessarily unhuman, but the fact that the guy was like "yeah getting cloaca surgery is def the right move" with him only briefly thinking about it is way over the top if youre trying to take this story down a serious route of examining these themes. its not even necessarily that i dont think the cloaca surgery is the problem here (since its functionally the same as other over-the-top plastic surgery that actual real human beings do), it's just that the way it's being presented through the characters feels less like "let me examine why people make these decisions" and more of a "haha arent rich people dumb, wanting to get cloacas."

this too hurts, as people have said, because the tone of the opening betrays the real intentions of the piece

Mrenda
Mar 14, 2012



This is a story that I wrote last November-ish. I've sat on it for a while, received some nice feedback last February, worked on it again and now I'm looking for some more feedback.

Apart from general feedback what I'm mainly wondering is what theme/thread people get from the meaning of the story. I've left out the working title because I don't want to signpost it too much. It's about 3,800 words in total.

Mrenda fucked around with this message at May 6, 2018 around 21:08

ThirdEmperor
Aug 7, 2013


SCREAMING YES
MOTHERFUCKER
I AM GUILTY, I AM DEATH


Can I ask who commented on my piece? I think we should say in thread when we do, so that the various perspectives can be kept clear. Otherwise I'mma be confused as gently caress.

Obliterati
Nov 13, 2012

Ask me about being the most Magnificent Bastard in EU4 Multiplayer.

ThirdEmperor posted:

Can I ask who commented on my piece? I think we should say in thread when we do, so that the various perspectives can be kept clear. Otherwise I'mma be confused as gently caress.

Can you fix ur bad doc tho

e: nvm, QPQ and I managed to hack our way through it: my line crits and summary are both in the comments.

Obliterati fucked around with this message at Mar 28, 2018 around 18:06

Obliterati
Nov 13, 2012

Ask me about being the most Magnificent Bastard in EU4 Multiplayer.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/...dit?usp=sharing

So I'm writing off my TD entry from this week because it is Bad. I was worried about what I was going to replace it with until I remembered this thing that I was supposed to do a second draft of. This is intended for the competition in place of whatever it was I was doing on that island. It's just over 3k words and I am interested in whatever feedback you got.

Mrenda
Mar 14, 2012



Obliterati posted:


So I'm writing off my TD entry from this week because it is Bad. I was worried about what I was going to replace it with until I remembered this thing that I was supposed to do a second draft of. This is intended for the competition in place of whatever it was I was doing on that island. It's just over 3k words and I am interested in whatever feedback you got.

I’ll preface all this and say this type of story really isn’t my kind of thing. I don’t know if it’s because I’m not partial to this type of story, or it’s a bad example of the kind of story, or I’m looking for something else from my stories. Really, the whole thing seems a little pointless. That could be a “me” thing in what I’m looking for.

It struggles at the beginning to bring you into the flow of the writing. That would be fine with me, I often take a page or two to get to grips with the style of a story but with no payoff in thought from the story it really lets itself down. I’ve written a few comments at the end about how you might better get the reader up to speed rather than bumbling into it as it read for me.

The “pointless” aspect of it is what really didn’t work for me. It comes across as wrestling fanfic. I’m not sure there’s a theme, moral, or discussion of anything here. It doesn’t grasp with any issues, and instead is just a series of “lol-aliens.”

From the writing perspective I can understand wanting to get in the alien’s off and stilted voice, but some of the descriptions come across as strained. There’s a bit of alliteration in there which really doesn’t work when combined with the word choice that doesn’t flow very strongly or intelligently. “The sweat forms a viscous veneer over his dark skin...” might work in isolation, but when it’s surrounded by sentences like, “Humans secrete water during physical activity as a primitive coolant system...” and “it lingers in the formal black suit draped over his shoulder.” It comes across as clumsy. One awkward sentence, in the character’s voice is enough. Throwing them all at the reader doesn’t work, it’s overloading me with clumsiness.

Generally I like to deal with the higher level issues on theme, subject, morality, etc. in a story, but this doesn’t have any. It’s more on the frivolous scale of things so it’s not really for me.


-- Getting into the story faster --

The opening is completely lacking in style. I quickly saw what you were going for but there was no personality to the announcer. I think you need to write it like a more typical scene, rather than a commentary. It’s devoid of immediacy and action, which does it no favours. Describing what’s happening, with the comments as well, is a more typical opening but also stronger for that because it sets the reader’s viewpoint faster, gets our heart beating, and doesn’t read like bad wrestling fan fiction.

Moving onto the locker room scene, the mix between descriptions and dialogue doesn’t work for me. It’s too simplistic in what it’s doing with “strong” description, that isn’t evocative despite its wordiness and colloquial language. It’s lacking in style again here.

“When I came to the promoters...” This could be a really strong opening, it establishes everything far quicker. I’d think about cutting this to the front of it and moving the earlier parts to after this. And moving ‘”Besides,” he says...” after almost as a timefuckery/scenefuckery with a “flashback” change in between.”

For me, with this story, you need to nail the pacing and action points of the story. It's not complex, doesn't deal with any weighty issues, and is a fun read, so you really need to have everything hitting at the right time. I'd leave it for a while, and see where chopping and changing the introduction of information might work. Moving a few of the scenes around with a c&p might give you some ideas.

edit: edited out the link to the story, as per the op

Mrenda fucked around with this message at May 6, 2018 around 21:08

Benny Profane
Feb 23, 2012



Mrenda posted:

This is a story that I wrote last November-ish. I've sat on it for a while, received some nice feedback last February, worked on it again and now I'm looking for some more feedback.

Apart from general feedback what I'm mainly wondering is what theme/thread people get from the meaning of the story. I've left out the working title because I don't want to signpost it too much. It's about 3,800 words in total.


I left a bunch of comments on the doc, but my main general comment here is that the emotional stakes feel much lower than they could be -- for all of John's angst about his lost cat, and then the kittens, we don't get to see why these animals are so important to him. Maura's sickness feels like it's setting up a bit emotional climax, but it fizzles when we get there. There's no resolution to the Cilla thing, unless the idea is that John becomes so caught up in these kittens he's found that he forgets about Cilla. The proportions of ink on the page feel a bit lopsided -- there's a lot of imagery that's competent enough, but it generally seems to exist for its own sake rather than building character or advancing plot, and that feels a bit wasteful when I get to the end of a 3800 word story and I still have big questions about character motivation and backgrounds.

As far as themes and meaning, I'm afraid I didn't sense a strong thread moving through the story -- it feels like it wants to be a coming of age story where an angsty teenager grows into a nurturing/protecting role, and perhaps comes to terms with the forces in his life that he has control over (asserting dominance over Ian and the lads, the kittens who have survived) and those that he doesn't (his mother's sickness, his lost cat), but if that's the intention I feel like this could have been painted with far thicker brush-strokes and more focus.

Benny Profane fucked around with this message at Apr 4, 2018 around 14:13

Mrenda
Mar 14, 2012



Thank you, again. The crits, here and on IRC were really helpful. For anyone looking to angle for a crit, Benny comes highly recommended.

Some of your comments helped me identify the areas I need to beef up, where I can get more impact. You definitely did identify one of the areas that's come out as problematic for me the more I write. Where to hit the line on subtle/obvious. I can go too far one way or the other often enough so actually identifying these spots for me is super helpful.

Benny, A+++

feedmyleg
Dec 25, 2004

EVERY FAIRY TALE NEEDS ITS HERO.

Crits have been super helpful for me as well! Thanks, everyone. I can see clearly that the intro wasn't accomplishing what I was hoping, and also how and where I need to clarify and streamline some things and beef up other things. I had a few additional areas I wanted to expand once I went beyond the 2K limit for TD so I've got a lot of direction for a second draft.

Hopefully this weekend I'll have some time to provide some of my own crits for y'all, really been enjoying reading through others stories as well.

Mrenda
Mar 14, 2012



I've made some edits to my story based on Benny Profane's feedback. I feel better about the story (already felt pretty good about it.) Not all of his suggestions were taken on board, there's some things about the characters and their motivations I feel strongly about, but there's still substantial changes.

BananaNutkins
Aug 26, 2004

I'll split you open and I don't even like coconuts.


Just stopping in to say that I started posting stories for critique in CC around 2004 or so, and it took a really long time to start selling, but I've already sold to two pro markets this year. I think SA is a great place to hone the skills, so keep at it!

Danger Dull
Mar 26, 2010


https://docs.google.com/document/d/...dit?usp=sharing

Oy. I've gone over this story several times. It's a part of a larger series of stories and is meant to be a "light" introduction to it. I'm getting back into writing and this story has been a WIP for many-o-year.

It's pretty long for any intensive crits. If you have the time I'd love some pointers to help me tighten focus in some areas. Maybe I need to start a thread for this. Maybe I need to pay someone.

Edit: Forgot to mention that I will be illustrating this too, which is why I wanted to start out small. Some passages are a little sparse on details due to supporting illustrations but I am not sure if I want to stay in that direction or not.

Danger Dull fucked around with this message at Apr 4, 2018 around 03:16

Exmond
May 31, 2007


im doin it ma im writing

THUNDERDOME


Danger Dull posted:


Oy. I've gone over this story several times. It's a part of a larger series of stories and is meant to be a "light" introduction to it. I'm getting back into writing and this story has been a WIP for many-o-year.

It's pretty long for any intensive crits. If you have the time I'd love some pointers to help me tighten focus in some areas. Maybe I need to start a thread for this. Maybe I need to pay someone.

Edit: Forgot to mention that I will be illustrating this too, which is why I wanted to start out small. Some passages are a little sparse on details due to supporting illustrations but I am not sure if I want to stay in that direction or not.

Edit: Huur I should read the OP.

I commented on your piece. Get a second/third opinion since I'm like ADHD incarnate and need big explosions/conflict to maintain my attention

Exmond fucked around with this message at Apr 4, 2018 around 05:07

Danger Dull
Mar 26, 2010


Exmond posted:

Edit: Huur I should read the OP.

I commented on your piece. Get a second/third opinion since I'm like ADHD incarnate and need big explosions/conflict to maintain my attention

I appreciate the comments, though, really! Me thinks Bron needs to be rewritten entirely, hell, the town segment needs work in general. The story does not follow a protagonist, though, so Calder's actions are meant to be off, or aloof. His self removal from the town for long periods of time degrades his people talking skills. Calder explains his motivations after he leaves the town as well, but maybe I need to trail it better in the beginning.

Thanks!

Brainworm
Mar 23, 2007

...one of these--
As he hath spices of them all, not all,
For I dare so far free him--made him fear'd...


Nap Ghost

I've been working on this one for a few weeks and could use some feedback; I'm at the point where I feel like I can't judge e.g. pacing and voice because I've got it close to memorized. It's about 6000 words.

Here's the link to the Google Doc. Comments are enabled. I'm especially interested in whether the voice works, but suspect there might not be enough hooks early on, too.

Mrenda
Mar 14, 2012



Brainworm posted:

I've been working on this one for a few weeks and could use some feedback; I'm at the point where I feel like I can't judge e.g. pacing and voice because I've got it close to memorized. It's about 6000 words.

Here's the link to the Google Doc. Comments are enabled. I'm especially interested in whether the voice works, but suspect there might not be enough hooks early on, too.

I'm possibly the wrong person to ask about hooks at the early stage of writing something. I often feel if something is being presented as worthy of reading it's worth continuing long enough for it to make itself felt. This could be as much as seeing it published in a journal (especially when it comes to short stories) and so have an editor's approval, or simply giving something the benefit of the doubt when it's posted places like these forums. I did think the writing style was interesting enough to carry me along until it got to the nub of the story, which seemed rather simple in the end.

If the message is about justice, which you explicitly make, then I do have doubts about the efficacy of the voice. There's a detached style to it, as though recounting a story from a distant past, that removes the immediacy of any effect. I was left thinking how this woman's life was changed in the intervening yeas, seeing as this is a story they chose to tell, and so must have some significance. If it is a simple tale about the consequences of survival and the harshness of chance then I'd prefer to feel embedded in the voice that's telling it. It needs to be a bit more visceral, more emotional, more introspective. The voice for me was one as if telling a grand fable, but I didn't get any meat of that in the story. The voice promised lofty thought, which the story didn't deliver, or at least the message of the story. There was little perspective, awareness or self-knowledge to it.

It's well written, and it was easy to read, but it was almost as if the person telling the story (and you writing the story) didn't believe in it as fully as necessary. Like you held back from telling your truth, or her truth, hoping for stronger meaning to emerge from the bones. If there was a deeper truth I'd imagine it to be about the damage of trauma and adoption of evil or cruel traits in the face of such cruelty, mirroring it. However this wasn't evident from you and took a little searching from me.

This is something I'm dealing with at the moment as well, so it's possibly me transferring my thoughts on my own work, and the feedback I've received from others to your work, but to me there needs to be more belief in the merit of the message from both you and the narrator. It needs more opinion. Although the opinion is definitely one I'd listen to, because it's evident from the writing so far that it's worthy of being heard.

Edit: took out the link to the google doc like I'm supposed to do, as per the op.

Mrenda fucked around with this message at May 3, 2018 around 16:03

Brainworm
Mar 23, 2007

...one of these--
As he hath spices of them all, not all,
For I dare so far free him--made him fear'd...


Nap Ghost

Mrenda posted:

[...] If the message is about justice, which you explicitly make, then I do have doubts about the efficacy of the voice. There's a detached style to it, as though recounting a story from a distant past, that removes the immediacy of any effect. I was left thinking how this woman's life was changed in the intervening yeas, seeing as this is a story they chose to tell, and so must have some significance. If it is a simple tale about the consequences of survival and the harshness of chance then I'd prefer to feel embedded in the voice that's telling it. It needs to be a bit more visceral, more emotional, more introspective. The voice for me was one as if telling a grand fable, but I didn't get any meat of that in the story. The voice promised lofty thought, which the story didn't deliver, or at least the message of the story. There was little perspective, awareness or self-knowledge to it.

[...] it was almost as if the person telling the story (and you writing the story) didn't believe in it as fully as necessary. Like you held back from telling your truth, or her truth, hoping for stronger meaning to emerge from the bones. If there was a deeper truth I'd imagine it to be about the damage of trauma and adoption of evil or cruel traits in the face of such cruelty, mirroring it.

Thanks for this. FWIW, I think your criticism is spot on.

Mrenda
Mar 14, 2012



Brainworm posted:

Thanks for this. FWIW, I think your criticism is spot on.

My pleasure. Despite what I said I enjoyed the story. It's better and more memorable than many I've seen published.

Brainworm
Mar 23, 2007

...one of these--
As he hath spices of them all, not all,
For I dare so far free him--made him fear'd...


Nap Ghost

Mrenda posted:

My pleasure. Despite what I said I enjoyed the story. It's better and more memorable than many I've seen published.

Thanks. Your feedback gave me some clarity.

What I thought was a problem with voice is actually also a problem with the narrator's framing. Without knowing who she is as a storyteller -- why she's telling the story at this moment, what she learns by telling it, and how she reflects on her past actions -- there's no sense of her emotional, psychological, or intellectual development. In a story that's about her relationship to cruelty and justice and so on, those self-revelations are really the payoff.

Does that sound about right?

Mrenda
Mar 14, 2012



Brainworm posted:

Thanks. Your feedback gave me some clarity.

What I thought was a problem with voice is actually also a problem with the narrator's framing. Without knowing who she is as a storyteller -- why she's telling the story at this moment, what she learns by telling it, and how she reflects on her past actions -- there's no sense of her emotional, psychological, or intellectual development. In a story that's about her relationship to cruelty and justice and so on, those self-revelations are really the payoff.

Does that sound about right?

That works. Or at least it's one way for it to work, by giving it that framing

Unmature
May 9, 2008


Are pilot scripts welcome here?

Mrenda
Mar 14, 2012



Unmature posted:

Are pilot scripts welcome here?

I'm not too sure what feedback you'd be able to get seeing as most people posting and responding here write fiction, novels or short stories, and read the same. I think there's a screenplay thread somewhere.

dreadmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

Unmature posted:

Are pilot scripts welcome here?

Sure, though there is a thread i believe as Mrenda says.

parthenocarpy
Dec 17, 2003



This may not be a good idea to put online after all

parthenocarpy fucked around with this message at May 6, 2018 around 02:43

dreadmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

parthenocarpy posted:

This may not be a good idea to put online after all

I'm happy for you to pm me if you have any queries or requests.

Mrenda
Mar 14, 2012



I'm wondering about this one. A big wonder, for reasons I won't say.

"Your Rightful Place"

https://docs.google.com/document/d/...dit?usp=sharing

Exmond
May 31, 2007


im doin it ma im writing

THUNDERDOME


Mrenda posted:

I'm wondering about this one. A big wonder, for reasons I won't say.

"Your Rightful Place"

https://docs.google.com/document/d/...dit?usp=sharing

Hey Mrenda, I think this is a good story. I critted it.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/...dit?usp=sharing

Unmature
May 9, 2008


Mrenda posted:

I'm not too sure what feedback you'd be able to get seeing as most people posting and responding here write fiction, novels or short stories, and read the same. I think there's a screenplay thread somewhere.

Found it! I missed it last time I went looking for it. Thanks!

EDIT:
Aaaand it's locked. Maybe I'll start a new one.

dreadmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

Go for it!

Veni Vidi Ameche!
Nov 2, 2017

this is a face you can trust

I wrote a thing. I don’t actually plan to publish it, but I also don’t think it needs its own thread. I don’t write fiction often, because I am not very good at it. This is the first fiction I’ve written in twenty years. It’s not very original, and it’s probably pretty mediocre, but it’s a nice story about a nice person doing nice things, and I wanted it to be read by someone other than myself.

Literary trigger warnings: I address the reader directly, there may be a few places where I don’t keep tense perfectly, and I use the very old trick of obscuring names with blank spaces, a la “Mssr. M___ sat uncomfortably on the cold wooden bench as the constable examined his papers.”

Edit: Oh, yeah. It’s only about 1,500 words. It’s short.

Edit: Link removed. If no one has commented in two weeks, they’re probably not going to start, now, and I don’t want it just sort of hanging around out there.

Veni Vidi Ameche! fucked around with this message at Jun 12, 2018 around 05:57

Despera
Jun 6, 2011


Mines 30,000 words and I am insanely overconfident in its greatness.

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AllNewJonasSalk
Apr 22, 2017

THUNDERDOME LOSER

Hey guys. I wrote a thing and actually like it. This is an indication that it is bad. Tell me how bad! I will also critique anything that you guys will let me lay my eyes on. I need practice with that sort of thing.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/...it?usp=drivesdk

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