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'hoy there! This is the place for stupid, punny, and groan-inducing jokes. Not sure a joke fits? If you find yourself making this face after delivering the punchline: ...it's definitely a dad/uncle joke. Share it! Blue humor's fine; but dad/uncle jokes tend to focus on bad or stupid puns, so keep that in mind. Here's a few to get you started: Why did the vampire's roommates not sleep well last night? 'Cause his coffin was so loud. What is a tree's favorite drink? Root beer. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they'd be BAYgulls.
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Apr 18, 2018 18:04
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| # ? Apr 24, 2024 08:41 |
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I swear I have so many of these and they're all terrible. The only reason I would ever want kids is to torture them with bad jokes, and also maybe to play with legos again. Nautical: What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved. Why was the tide high? Because of the sea weed. What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey! (This one was from my granddad) You know the best part about being in the Navy? You're rarely more than a mile away from land...straight down! Science based: Never trust atoms, they make up everything! What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can't helium, or curium, then you'll have to barium! Misc: Did you know duct tape is like the force? It has a light side, a dark side, and it binds the universe together. Well well well...the story of three holes in the ground! How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it!
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Apr 18, 2018 19:57
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Here's a long one an uncle from Texas told me. It has nothing to do with Texas. --- A new special ed teacher was finding her efforts to teach her class constantly thwarted by their specialness. Even basic recognition of body parts seemed beyond them. "Who can find their forehead? Go ahead and touch your forehead to show me!" She would say, and all the children would flail their arms around, making special noises as they did so, but none could locate their forehead, no matter how many times she showed them by touching her own forehead. This went on for several weeks, she and her students getting increasingly frustrated by the lesson, until finally she decided on a different tact. That morning when she came into her classroom she brought with her an ice cream cone. "Whoever can show me their forehead first will get this ice cream cone," she said. This all children, regardless of individual circumstance, understand and so they set about frantically attempting to locate a forehead, any forehead. After much chaos in the room one boy near the front smacked his hand against his forehead with a triumphant "Mneh" "Very good!" The teacher exclaimed and handed him the ice cream cone. The child regarded the cone for a moment and then with a no less triumphant "Mneh" smashed it into his forehead.
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Apr 18, 2018 23:02
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What's a pirate's favorite letter? Arrr! No, his first love be the C.
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Apr 18, 2018 23:20
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What's brown and sticky? A stick!
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Apr 19, 2018 02:14
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These are great! Thanks for sharing, folks. Why did the mafioso do his deals in the shade? Because it was shady. What's a vampire's favorite kind of boat? A blood vessel. What did Bruce Lee say when he was thirsty? WA TA!
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Apr 19, 2018 15:43
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Did you know pigeons die after having sex? Well, the one I hosed did anyway
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Apr 19, 2018 16:48
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I don't normally tell dad jokes, but when I do he laughs.
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Apr 19, 2018 17:34
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How do you ask an 80 year old if they'd like some more corn? (good and loud)  "HEY WOULD YOU LIKE SOME MORE CORN"
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Apr 19, 2018 17:51
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My friend and I like to sit at the bar coming up with new punch lines for old dad jokes My favorite one he came up with is: Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven is a registered six offender
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Apr 19, 2018 18:00
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Why do SCUBA divers fall off boats backwards? Because if they went forward, they'd just fall into the boat!
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Apr 22, 2018 12:14
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What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
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Apr 22, 2018 17:01
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What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun? Sir! A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry we don’t serve food here." Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!
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Apr 22, 2018 17:17
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Two goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says "Do you know how to drive this thing?" Two budgies sitting on a perch. One says "Can you smell fish?"
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Apr 25, 2018 01:50
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What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? ...a stick.
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Apr 25, 2018 02:33
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posting in a home groan thread
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Apr 25, 2018 07:57
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A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband's funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?". "No, go right ahead", she replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says "Plethora", and sits back down. "Thanks", the woman says, "that means a lot."
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Apr 29, 2018 05:43
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krinklechip posted:A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband's funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?".
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May 3, 2018 03:44
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Cat Hatter posted:
Actually, it's P. Without it he'd be IRATE
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May 4, 2018 21:13
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QUACKTASTIC posted:
Poo! Gets a better laugh.
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May 4, 2018 23:16
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I've never been to a gun range but I figure some day I'll give it a shot.
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May 4, 2018 23:39
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A guy at work tells the same stupid every day, to who ever is closest. Did you hear about the pirate who started selling corn? Yeah, a buccaneer! But then he sells it with the biggest poo poo eating grin.
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May 5, 2018 03:22
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What did Batman say to Robin before they entered the Batmobile? "Robin, get in the car."
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May 5, 2018 13:16
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Why do flamingoes stand on one leg? If they lifted the other one they'd fall over
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May 8, 2018 01:50
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https://twitter.com/Pizza_Suplex/status/993967701113671680
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May 9, 2018 04:01
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This might be cheating, but I think it's a good dad joke. It's from an early-ish episode of the Simpsons. I always crack up when I hear it but I've tried it a couple of times and it always fell flat. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZXQDP2e59o The fact that Bart is the only one laughing just makes it so much funnier. LosMein has a new favorite as of 04:11 on May 9, 2018 |
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May 9, 2018 04:06
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Kratos cracking dad jokes absolutely would make God of War game of the year to me.
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May 9, 2018 12:30
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If the answer is 'My cock robin', what is the question? 'What is that in my rear end Batman?'
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May 9, 2018 15:49
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Whenever someone asks me about my beard, i.e. how long I've had it, I tell them I wasn't sure about having a big beard but then it grew on me.
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May 9, 2018 17:52
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What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! Why are there so many jokes about mountain ranges? Because they're hill areas!
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May 9, 2018 21:22
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Why is the capital of Ireland the fastest growing city in the world? Because it's Dublin every day.
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May 16, 2018 07:19
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Why did Stalin know that communism wouldn't really work? There were red flags everywhere.
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May 16, 2018 07:22
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One that used to happen in my family a lot was: Random conversation with dad What do you think, (dog)? (dog) doesn't think, she's a dog! So what does she think she is?
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May 16, 2018 20:29
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Why don't Jewish women make coffee? Hebrews
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Aug 17, 2018 07:55
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Vadun posted:Why don't Jewish women make coffee? 
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Aug 17, 2018 09:01
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What member of a flock would make a good ninja? The black sheep!
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Aug 17, 2018 09:03
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Shamelessly stolen from Twitter: Two astronauts are up on the ISS making breakfast. The first says "hey, I can't find any milk for my coffee." The other replies "in space, no one can. Here, use cream."
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Aug 17, 2018 09:08
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I'm homesick. "But Dad, you ARE home." I know, I'm sick of it!
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Aug 17, 2018 09:10
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Why aren't horses allowed in serious discussions? They're nothing but NEIGH sayers.
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Sep 20, 2018 05:24
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| # ? Apr 24, 2024 08:41 |
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: Why did the chicken cross the road? : Why?: To talk to the idiot!: ...: Okay, new joke! Knock-knock!: Who's there?: The chicken!
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Sep 20, 2018 17:32
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