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schmuckfeatures
Oct 27, 2003



Hair Elf



your life consists of honking, consuming what would later be recognized as extremely cheap gasoline, picking up kids after soccer practice and waiting patiently in the garage while they watch nickelodeon

and possibly contemplating how the law of entropy guarantees that you will be relegated to the junkyard before too long, and that people will ponder your strangely designed physique 25 years later on something called "the internet"


add more details about your sordid forgotten life as this minivan below

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Return Of JimmyJars
Jun 24, 2006

by FactsAreUseless


Obese people are sleeping in me on a pile of McDonald's bags in a Walmart parking lot.

1redflag
Feb 15, 2012

I'm accidentally a suicide bomber!


The owner's kid just fingerbanged his girlfriend in my abdomen and got her blood on my cloth seats

CannonFodder
Jan 26, 2001



Outrageous Lumpwad

McDonald's french fries dropped behind the seats are still edible.

Literally A Person
May 17, 2017


Someone please kill me. I smell so much like fart that this is hardly a life as it is.

red19fire
May 26, 2010


I drove a green 1993 mercury villager in high school and I will not let anyone besmirch itís good name.

schmuckfeatures
Oct 27, 2003



Hair Elf

you celebrate your 15th birthday in 2008 by playing host to a massively obese couple from minnesota who argue vehemently with each other about whose fault it was that both of them got laid off. neither of them seem to realize that citigroup was largely to blame for the 2007 mortgage crisis. you try to persuade them about this fact by bleeping at them in morse code with the "keys in ignition" chime, but it doesn't seem to make any difference.

within 18 months both of them are addicted to meth and you're living in a parking lot near a lake in wisconsin. but the LORD has plans for you

Ssthalar
Sep 16, 2007



Nap Ghost

Vroom Vroom

central dogma
Feb 25, 2012


Zoom zoom

Nooner
Mar 26, 2007

AN A+ POSTER (:

beep beep imma plymouth

schmuckfeatures
Oct 27, 2003



Hair Elf

in the heady days of early 2009, only days after your meth-addicted parents/owners both kick the bucket on your resplendent cloth velour upholstery, you are suddenly visited by an angel of THE LORD, named BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA.

with a whirling flourish of his magic Democratic-Party-endorsed wand, he places a glittering silvery placard on the lower left quadrant of your windshield, reading CASH FOR CLUNKERS.

whatever will happen next?

SCROTO TURBOSPERG
Jan 21, 2007

Suck the shit out of my own asshole, please

back in 2005 to early 2006 i was given to ricky for his freshman year at SUNY plattsburgh

i reeked of cheap canadian weed. it ruled.

ricky flunked out

CannonFodder
Jan 26, 2001



Outrageous Lumpwad

My younger cousin, a 1999 Dodge Caravan, has chronic irritable transmission syndrome. He spends so much time in the shop and it's really hurting his family's finances.

schmuckfeatures
Oct 27, 2003



Hair Elf

Literally A Person posted:

Someone please kill me. I smell so much like fart that this is hardly a life as it is.

contemplatively, you huff the ghosts of your previous owners' collective farts, and wonder in a very existential way about what fate has in store

Tiberius Thyben
Feb 7, 2013

Gone Phishing



Hey, Iím a 1993 Plymouth minivan! Get out of my way, Iím driving here!

Splatmaster
Aug 15, 2007


HAIKOOLIGAN


Fun Shoe

Please Let Your Mechanic Out From Under The(my) Hood

Tiberius Thyben
Feb 7, 2013

Gone Phishing



Fuggetabout it!

Haverchuck
May 6, 2005

the coolest

I'm a blue 1993 plymouth sundance. mouth dance

dads friend steve
Dec 24, 2004



3 1/2 tiddies have been awkwardly felt up in me

schmuckfeatures
Oct 27, 2003



Hair Elf

...your consciousness fades after you see the CASH FOR CLUNKERS placard being placed on your windshield.

the bulbs in your headlights

they fade




fade to darkness.


DARK-NESS.










suddenly...

...suddenly it's 2015 and some stupid stinkyhole on youtube is making a video about you. it's your moment to shine!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1S-tEfFrsc

due to an optical illusion it looks like you're blue instead of green but that's much like that blue dress or the laurel or yanni thing


you're alive again! or are you!?!?!?!!?!??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Angelwolf
Jul 2, 2006

because fuck you that's why


Anyone got a rubber? Think I'm about to blow a gasket

SCROTO TURBOSPERG
Jan 21, 2007

Suck the shit out of my own asshole, please

SciFiDownBeat
Jun 19, 2012
HAIKOOLIGAN


it's a beautiful fall day in 1997. a small chill of winter lingers in the air as a school bell rings, and a myriad of youth spills excitedly out of the building. the creepy man with the poor comb-over and thick-rimmed tan glasses parks you across the street and a little ways down, raises a pair of binoculars, and grabs a box of tissues. this ritual has become routine for the both of you

Swedish Butt-Whistle
Feb 12, 2004

Mentally Trill


imma 94 dodge shadow

Mnoba
Jun 24, 2010


thread hits way too close to home

Kibbles n Shits
Apr 8, 2006

burgerpug.png

*headgaskets blow for the 9th time*

SCROTO TURBOSPERG
Jan 21, 2007

Suck the shit out of my own asshole, please

SciFiDownBeat posted:

it's a beautiful fall day in 1997. a small chill of winter lingers in the air as a school bell rings, and a myriad of youth spills excitedly out of the building. the creepy man with the poor comb-over and thick-rimmed tan glasses parks you across the street and a little ways down, raises a pair of binoculars, and grabs a box of tissues. this ritual has become routine for the both of you



Mnoba posted:

thread hits way too close to home

Waffle House
Oct 26, 2004



I was actually one of the last fun Chrysler products before the Diamond Star Motors venture ended. I also came with a turbocharged engine option, as well as a MANUAL option.

I am very green.

Swedish Butt-Whistle
Feb 12, 2004

Mentally Trill


my drivers keep smoking meth while in operation do you knoe any life hacks to blow out my light relay to attract those sexy new dodge chargers to pull my lil rear end over

SCROTO TURBOSPERG
Jan 21, 2007

Suck the shit out of my own asshole, please

Swedish Butt-Whistle posted:

those sexy new dodge chargers

impound me in the rear end, daddy

The Walrus
Jul 9, 2002



*sees a Previa*



daaaaamn, girl!

client
Aug 19, 2010



i hold the record for the world's slowest drive-by shooting

Swedish Butt-Whistle
Feb 12, 2004

Mentally Trill


thinkin bout puttin this bad rear end piece of tech in my chest

A GLISTENING HODOR
Aug 8, 2009

One of her nipples found its way between his lips. It was pink and hard and when he sucked on it her milk filled his mouth, mingling with the taste of rum, and he had never tasted anything so fine and sweet and good.


Help, there's several teens smoking weed in me and the other is the oldest one who only has these friends because he has a van and can buy cigarettes

Big Bowie Bonanza
Dec 29, 2007

please tell me where i can date this cute boy


aaaaand 100k miles

oh gently caress my transmission

That Robot
Sep 16, 2004

ask me anything about robots

Buglord

Nooner posted:

beep beep imma plymouth

Tiberius Thyben posted:

Hey, Iím a 1993 Plymouth minivan! Get out of my way, Iím driving here!

*is a green 1993 plymouth inhabited by the spirit of Neukoln13*

everyone say it with me: BROOKLYN!!

Fluffy Bunnies
Jan 9, 2009

I actually fully support ICE


Once upon a time my owners had fallen in love, but now I'm only falling apart. Nothing the mechanic can do, my title says I'm naught but a part.

FAGGY CLAUSE
Apr 9, 2011

by FactsAreUseless


A proud vehicle

Swedish Butt-Whistle
Feb 12, 2004

Mentally Trill


feel like i been runnin on fumes lately

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Swedish Butt-Whistle
Feb 12, 2004

Mentally Trill


Have yall seen that crimson toyota sienna on the north side of town... thick as gently caress

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