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 In the food justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the kitchen, which completes orders; and the burger attorneys who prosecute the food offenders. These are their stories. |
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Jun 17, 2018 21:49
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| # ? Apr 16, 2024 18:49 |
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detectives working tirelessly to make sure the hot side stays hot; defense attorneys working all hours to keep the cool side cool |
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Jun 17, 2018 21:57
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judge: what are the charges? burger lawyer: $6.98 for the combo, sir, with an enhancement fee of $0.40 for extra cheese regular customer lawyer: objection, cheese is not mentioned as an extra charge on the menu judge: overruled, this is a mcdonald's drive thru
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Jun 17, 2018 22:09
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prosecutor to accused: you're charged with overcooking hamburgers. does this happen often? accused: I'd say it's rare *courtroom murmers* defense lawyer (clapping client on the back): well done! judge: *bangs gavel* this man's attorney has confessed. case closed. |
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Jun 17, 2018 22:20
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judge: foreman, have you come to a decision? jury foreman: we have, your honor. judge: foreman, please return the verdict to the court. foreman tenders the verdict to the bailiff, who tenders the verdict to the judge judge: reading over the verdict the court finds the defendant, ham burglar...guilty on three counts of felony hamburgling hamburglar loudly robbles, as the judge orders the court dismissed burger lawyer: justice served, over one billion times
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Jun 19, 2018 01:02
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"sir, you stand accused of ordering special sauce, topped with a patty, topped with the top bun, topped with a slice of cheese, topped with the bottom bun, topped with a pineapple ring. do you have anything to say in your defense?" "they said I could have it my way! MY way!" *laughter* "sir, this is america. the words of a king . . . have no authority here. we owe allegiance only to our constitution, and burger law. bailiff . . . take him away." |
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Jun 19, 2018 01:38
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your honor, i would like to present into evidence prosecution's exhibit a, security footage from the night of the incident. burger lawyer presents security footage on disc, it is admitted into evidence, and readied for playback burger lawyer: officer john hotdogs, and members of the jury, please review the following security footage. playback begins of a black and white video with sound showing officer john hotdogs, fast food police, pointing his ketchup bottle at the fast food worker, bob wageslave fast food police: I SAID, HOLD THE PICKLES, HOLD THE LETTUCE! NOW! fast food worker: b-b-but...offfff-fff-ffficer-r-r-r, special orders...don't upset us! fast food police: sprays ketchup all over the fast food worker playback stops as the gallery is filled with aghast murmurs and the judge bangs his gavel, calling for order
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Jun 19, 2018 01:45
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*law and order opening sound effects* scene opens as a heavily pierced and tattooed, edgy looking teenager wearing a limp bizkit t-shirt orders at a mcdonalds edgy teen: "just a cup for water" the tired looking man at the counter cautiously hands him the cup and keeps his eye on him as he walks away, the next customer in line steps forward and orders a number 5. the camera follows the teen as he approaches the drink machine, zooming in to show the cup filling with ice, the sound drowning out the rest of the noise. edgy teen's even edgier friend: whispering "just do it dude..." muffled laughter the edgy looking teen moves his drink over to the mountain dew nozzle and fills his cup. just then the audible click of a gun can be heard and the camera pans over to show detective stabler ready to fire a shot through the teen's temple detective. stabler: "not today scumbag" in a flurry of chaotic events the edgier teen runs out the front door, giving the edgy teen enough time to turn and throw his cup of mountain dew in detective stabler's face, causing him to fall to the ground writhing in pain. the camera pans back to show the teen jumping the counter and running through the kitchen, overturning a rack and throwing several burgers at the now pursuing stabler. cut to the outside and the back door flies open, the edgy teen running out into the sunlight where he is abruptly clotheslined by detective benson. stabler arrives moments later and both aim their guns at the frightened teen. stabler: "you're going away for a long time kid..." opening theme plays and the title letters roll across the screen
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Jun 19, 2018 03:02
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Luvcow posted:*law and order opening sound effects* man, this show is completely unrealistic. no one wastes space on ice. fuckin old people will buy anything
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Jun 19, 2018 11:36
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ice t holds up a burger: "you ever seen anything like this before?" other guy: "sure it's a double double." ice-t: "look closer, this ain't your daddy's burger it's got extra sauce, whole grilled onion, and even peppers inside. that's some high-grade secret menu poo poo. this kid's connected. there's more, look at this shake." "chocolate?" "no, neapolitan" "son of a bitch."
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Jun 19, 2018 11:47
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coroner: "you say they call this place a grill?" Det TG Fridays: "That's right." coroner: "Well that can't be." Fridays: "Why's that?" coroner: "This burger-" Fridays: "yeah?" coroner: "grill lines are fake. And see here...?" Fridays: "Yep." coroner: "You only get this dryness if you are a flattop cook and you press the burger with your spatula. Never press, Fridays." Fridays: "Why's that?" coroner: "It dries out the meat." mags fucked around with this message at 19:03 on Jun 19, 2018 paul_soccer12 posted:everyone in the idf must die |
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Jun 19, 2018 19:00
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Ice t: he's the biggest pimp across brooklyn and queens. He's known as the burger king. Kills his prostitutes execution style without hesitation if they don't pull in his money, calls it ordering the whopper. |
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Jun 19, 2018 19:29
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Ice t: they found 3 empty packets of mayonnaise and a honey mustard. mix it with angel dust they call it a tweaker mcrib. |
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Jun 19, 2018 19:34
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lmbo calrissian posted:Ice t: they found 3 empty packets of mayonnaise and a honey mustard. mix it with angel dust they call it a tweaker mcrib.
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Jun 19, 2018 20:41
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| Just pretend I empty quoted every post | |
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Jun 20, 2018 03:52
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lmao e: L. mayo |
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Jun 20, 2018 13:50
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Chief, irate: Johnson! I got reports on my desk about three wrecked grills, ten flipped tables, and 30 angry diners. Old Mcdonald himself is on the phone tearin me a new one. What happened?! Johnson, gruff voice, ketchup all over shirt: I did my job Chief: you're a loose cannon!! Hand over your bun and your badge |
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Jun 20, 2018 13:54
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yeah, it's not an easy job. Yeah. I have to parse through more than ten thousand images every week of burgers - beef burgers - with mayonnaise on them. Sometimes the mayonnaise is all messed up with the lettuce and you can see this Godforsaken mess crawling down over the patty. What? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I just...to me it's commonplace now. I don't eat burgers at home any more. Most of the guys in the division are chicken guys, if you know what I'm saying. They just can't face it. |
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Jun 20, 2018 14:36
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You want to hear about the worst case of my career? Fine, but it's not pretty. We had a lead on this guy who would do all kinds of sick poo poo with people's burgers. Not unusual, right? But his thing was the charge he got from working in a position of trust. He would get himself hired on at an inconspicuous grill shack, and then he would mix mayo into the relish and put up a handcrafted promotional poster he'd made advertising 'Special Dip', spread on your burger, free of charge. He fed it to whoever would cough up a note. He didn't even make off with the money. Left it in the till, he was a great salesman - you can see it on the security camera footage. Got the upsell on upwards of 90% of orders, way better than even trained Burger King staff, who by the way set the standard for the industry. Said it was a secret recipe. Charmed the ladies, impressed the men. One time, God help me, he finished up a spree through a series of Midwestern Five Guys by topping upwards of fifty patties with peanut butter. What we later found out was that this guy had an extensive background in graphic design, he was a genius of graphic design, like he had studied at a Swiss conservatory and people thought he was the talent of his generation. He was using his talent to make those chintzy promotional posters. You didn't hear it from me, but McDonald's still uses adaptations of some of those posters in their brand literature today. He died in our final chase, and there's no intellectual property rights for a man who leaves no estate...but I'm getting ahead in the story. What it did mostly was make me think that some of these psychos might be smart enough to know something we don't. That it's all pointless. That the pounded and pulped reformed meat sandwiches we base our entire legal system and ostensible culture around are just a big, fat joke. Called him the Tin Man, because as far as we could tell, this was a guy with no heart, no soul, no conscience, at least as far as burgers were involved, which was of course the only aspect of his moral profile we were interested in. FBI profilers typified him as a "burger sociopath". I wanted to put him in burger jail so bad, but before I can get to that part of the story, I have to tell you about the time he set himself up behind the counter at our hometown Whataburger - and fed a Marshmallow Fluff patty to my wife. |
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Jun 20, 2018 15:21
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Manifisto posted:prosecutor to accused: you're charged with overcooking hamburgers. does this happen often? |
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Jun 20, 2018 15:27
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Ride The Gravitron posted:Just pretend I empty quoted every post Absolutely this. I feel unqualified to post in here, these are all so good.
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Jun 20, 2018 16:13
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Android Blues posted:You want to hear about the worst case of my career? Fine, but it's not pretty. 
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Jun 20, 2018 16:21
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Cop: (hands suspect a photo) Do you recognize this sandwich? Suspect: (sniffles) Yes. My wife. Ain't she just the most beautiful banh mi you ever saw? (tearing up) We had just celebrated our 20th, you know. Cop: (turns on a heat lamp and trains it on the suspect) let's discuss what happened on the night of the…incident. Suspect: I want a lawyer. Cop: You got home from work, what, quarter to six? Just a typical day. Except you skipped lunch, didn't you? You were hungry, weren't you? Suspect: I said I want a lawyer! |
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Jun 20, 2018 22:33
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google THIS posted:Cop: (hands suspect a photo) Do you recognize this sandwich? |
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Jun 21, 2018 00:10
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Poirot: Because we do not use the imperial system, we call it a Royale with Cheese. Yeah, I know, Poirot is French and not Dutch. |
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Jun 21, 2018 12:23
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are these pickles, sir? those aren't mine, i was holding them for a friend ok sir i'm going to need you to come with me ----- |
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Jun 21, 2018 19:53
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Prosecutor: So, you were at the drive-thru of your local McDonalds. What did you do next? Accused: I ordered a Hot n Spicy McChicken and a large coke. Prosecutor: Is that so? Was there anything... different about your order? Accused: No, I ordered the exact same thing I always do. Prosecutor: Every time? Accused: Except when I want a McDouble instead. Prosecutor: Interesting, because I have the sworn testimony of the very man from whom you ordered that McDouble! McDonalds Employee: Ladies and gentlemen of the court, I have here in my hand a receipt proving beyond all reasonable doubt that the man before you ordered his Hot n Spicy WITHOUT MAYO. *Uproar in the court, several people faint* Yell from the gallery: "I hope you enjoy getting quarter-pounded, you sicko!" ---------------- |
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Jun 21, 2018 20:59
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Prosecutor: The defendant claims the dish is called a "Salisbury Steak", but I'll prove to you now that is just a feeble attempt to hide the heinous crime he committed. *jury murmers* Prosecutor: As you can clearly see from Exhibit #10, he willfully, knowingly, and without remorse, served...a burger without a bun! *jury gasps*
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Jun 22, 2018 03:40
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Ride The Gravitron posted:Just pretend I empty quoted every post Jolo posted:Absolutely this. I feel unqualified to post in here, these are all so good. |
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Jun 22, 2018 13:55
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class action lawsuits because the mcdouble has one slice of cheese and the old double cheeseburger had two. |
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Jun 22, 2018 17:46
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Jun 23, 2018 14:11
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Cop: You look good in stripes my man. You going to tell us who was with you that night? You got priors, that's not gonna play well. Gimme some names, let's make something happen. Hamburglar: I tell you what's going to happen. You're going to let me go, because you ain't got nothin on me. I'm gonna get a ride home, lie on my couch, and get baked. Cop: I don't think so. Here's what's going to happen. I'm putting you under arrest for the murder of Harland D. Sanders. You're going to go in front of a jury, get found guilty, get put in a chair, and then... you're gonna fry. |
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Jun 25, 2018 01:35
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Police sandwich artists have released this composite sketch of a person of interest wanted for questioning in the disappearance of McChicken McMansion heiress and cookie personality, Birdie McDonald, last seen in 1998. If you have any information regarding the whereabouts of this person, known only by the street name "Grimace" please call 1-800-244-6227. A reward in the amount of one free large sandwich with purchase of any Extra Value Meal is offered for any successful tips leading to the whereabouts of Birdie McDonald.
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Jun 25, 2018 01:56
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hamjobs posted:Police sandwich artists have released this composite sketch of a person of interest wanted for questioning in the disappearance of McChicken McMansion heiress and cookie personality, Birdie McDonald, last seen in 1998. If you have any information regarding the whereabouts of this person, known only by the street name "Grimace" please call 1-800-244-6227. A reward in the amount of one free large sandwich with purchase of any Extra Value Meal is offered for any successful tips leading to the whereabouts of Birdie McDonald. |
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Jun 25, 2018 02:03
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I'm a cow seeking asylum from Burger kingdom! Help!
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Jun 25, 2018 02:38
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WindmillSlayer posted:I'm a cow seeking asylum from Burger kingdom! Help! don't have a cow, man! that's . . . that's not a catchphrase, it is crucial legal advice. pregnancy or recently giving birth is cause for automatic exclusion from the asylum process in many jurisdictions. but also I just like saying it. |
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Jun 25, 2018 03:13
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When I grow up I wanna go to Bovine University School of Burger Law and Condiment Justice. |
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Jun 25, 2018 03:16
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New season of Law and Order: Special Sauces Unit looking good. Stabler is out in the field, working the hardest beat of them all: hand whipped aioli.
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Jun 25, 2018 05:16
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burger law is just one of the many areas of jurisprudence handled by the food court
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Jun 25, 2018 06:48
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| # ? Apr 16, 2024 18:49 |
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bell jar posted:burger law is just one of the many areas of jurisprudence handled by the food court really lost the public's trust when the celebrity trial of orange julius returned a not guilty verdict |
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Jun 25, 2018 07:01
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