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Stubear St. Pierre
Feb 22, 2006



Let us begin with a question: what is the blackest poo poo you can possibly imagine? Ink? The deep sea? Skrillex? What about black holes? Probably Skrillex, especially the Skrillexes with the raps in them, but first let me tell you something about black holes. The late vegetable Stephen Hawking, in his seminal and completely unreadable pile of poo poo A Brief History of Time, theorized that black holes emit black-body radiation--the radiation that makes stuff glow when it's hot, basically--through some arcane process involving virtual particle-antiparticle pairs. According to the Wikipedia article on what the book claims to have been about, these perfectly matched pairs spontaneously pop into existence, occasionally right at the Schwartzchild radius--the boundary where poo poo gets sucked in--of a spinning black hole, causing the black hole to "absorb" one of the particles. Because of some quantum mechanical tomfoolery, the particle that gets absorbed must have negative mass-energy in order to conserve some obscure balance in the universe first conceived by the sort of guy that lost his virginity at 26 and only makes $90k despite having an IQ of 170. Thus, the black hole slowly evaporates, ultimately succumbing to its own imperfect blackness--and indeed, if the universe is infinite, they will all eventually give their mass back in the form of irrelevant, minuscule subatomic flakes of crap, each of which will likely cost $60 and only be released in November.

So if not black holes, what might be truly black? If even black holes are doomed to flitter away to the nothingness of vacuum, what can we as mere mortals count on that may truly persist for eternity unchanged, in perfect blackness?

Well that's an easy one.



I don't even know how many years it's been since I started writing these threads, and I am not exaggerating when I say that I have spent more time in the last three years imparting the factual insider info I get from Activision executives when I let them out of their crates and into the back yard to pee in the morning than I have playing any of these lovely games. Sure, sometimes they get diarrhea from eating pistachio shells and poo poo all over their fur, and sometimes they spend a week methodically killing an entire family of baby birds out there, but by and large, I'd imagine there's at least a token effort being made to squeeze money out of this franchise without actually doing any work or making improvements or innovating at all. It may well be that the days of Eminem and COD Jeeps are behind us. Maybe the days of Activision announcing their sales numbers or displaying how many players are in the game are also behind us, as the world moves on to weird, frustrating cartoon poo poo and this garbage series continues its slow spiral into the bargain bin. But with this installment, it has become clear to me that Activision does indeed read these threads, and knows what I want--to the extent where they pre-emptively copied what they were sure would be my logo for this game--and so I can say with absolute confidence that poo poo is about to get real.


Two junior Activision executives after being told this brown broom handle cover was actually money

Thus here I sit, and my sphincter is cinched shut tight enough to puree a baby's arm in anticipation, as the elite braintrust at Activision are hunched over and poised to drape a steaming log of pure action across our eagerly waiting faces. Coming in hot on the heels of the wildly successful previous installment which I already can't remember the title of and don't know a single person who bought, Call of Duty: Bum Deedle Dum Dee Dum promises what is sure to be the best campaign in COD franchise history, and more exhilaration from multiplayer than you could reasonably expect from even the most amateurish and brutal colonoscopy. You will jump on walls, against walls, and on the ground, and even off the ground. There will be crates that you can buy for $10 each that will give you a 6% chance of getting a little daisy to put in your character's hair underneath his or her helmet, assuming xie chooses to conform to a binary gender. There will be a revolutionary prestige mode that allows you to continue playing the game after you've played the game long enough to play the game.


Two Activision executives after being told there's money behind this ratty old couch

And in case all that wasn't enough to cinch your sphincter shut tight enough to decapitate a rattlesnake, in addition to those epic truthful facts, Call of Duty: BlAAAAck OOOOps boasts a cast of sexually servile men pulled straight from the unthreatening rosters of the Lifetime Movie Network, performing the roles of both male and female characters (as well as all characters in between), rocketing their voices to ear-blistering falsettos as each explains to the operator next to them that they are, in fact, reloading, or throwing a grenade, or perhaps just relaying to one another that they're just having a god drat blast and wish that the bizarre techno-apocalyptic bloodless murderfest happening before them was a video game so they could see the yellow point values of their actions fly across a TV screen while they try to think of what other game to play. If that wasn't enough to make you feel like Lady Fortune had just decided to give you a surprise prostate massage of COD Carnage--had you not already cinched your sphincter shut tight enough to rebuke a freight train--I have reports from my top secret sources that this game will bring to the series all new weapons that only take 600 hours of playtime to unlock and are basically just M4A1's that sound funny, one submachine gun that needs to be nerfed early on, tons of custom banners that everyone got from the same Youtube video showing how to make two circles and the hair texture look like an rear end with a thong, and I dunno, probably some high budget commercials that none of us will see since who the gently caress watches TV anymore.


Activision's record-breaking performance on the release date of their last Steaming Log of Action

But I'm still not done. As if we all hadn't cinched our sphincters shut tight enough to crush coal into diamond already, the entertainment titan and proud publisher of Animal Planet: Emergency Vets and Barbie Fashion Show: an Eye for Style, along with the developer of a vast array of varied titles such as COD: Black Ops, COD: Black Ops II, and COD: Black Ops III, have even more in store for us between November and mid-December this year. Featuring all-new maps, or rather an all-new version of Nuketown, which is in fact not even partially new and we were all loving sick of that map in 2010, Call of Duty: Flinkle Tinkle Tweedle Dum will give us a chance to romp around through a few futuristic subway stations and maybe a theme park or a circus or some stupid poo poo and experience an all-new game mode called Team Deathmatch, in which you sit in a corner waiting for someone to walk past, perchance that you might shoot them and end the game with 1 entire kill, unless the entire enemy team is doing the same thing (spoiler: they are). With some dumbshit point streak that requires more consecutive kills than an entire team usually gets in a single match, you can pilot a radar-equipped gyroscopic vehicle which extends a giant cartoon mallet to smash the two opponents still remaining in the game, called the Bloptercopter Doppler Bopper. But fear not, as once you've played the game for 300 hours, you'll be given the chance to unlock a shoulder-mounted Doppler Chopper Stopper which makes light work of both the Bloptercopter and its sister killstreak--an unmanned vehicle that automatically targets enemy players laying prone with other players laying prone on top of them and launches large rocks at both of them, called the Prone Bone Thrown Stone Drone. If left in the play area unchecked for too long, the Prone Bone Thrown Stone Drone phones home and loans its stone throne to a Foam Gnome, who roams the zone and sets the tone with his homegrown clones. I am completely out of things to write about Call of Duty.


The all-new, never before seen Blackness Preview that is totally different from last time around, just like this game

So without further ado, I will leave you all to sit down on the floor buckled into your weird gamer rocking chairs, pull on your fingerless gloves of Ownage, lower your shields of Not Buying This poo poo onto your face, and, of course, cinch your sphincters--and while you're at it, have a look at this touching photo of an Activision executive upon seeing Starset live in concert for the first time:

(Just kidding, I told him there was money in that plastic jug)

previous thread: https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3835226
next thread: https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3896920

Stubear St. Pierre fucked around with this message at 16:55 on Aug 31, 2019

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Happy Noodle Boy
Jul 3, 2002



Is there a guide for Extinction yet?

Mister Facetious
Apr 21, 2007

I think I died and woke up in L.A.,
I don't know how I wound up in this place...

:canada:


Thank God, a new Call of Duty game! I can't wait to try it! :woop:

Mill Village
Jul 27, 2007



I wonder how fast the gun balance will turn into a complete clusterfuck like it did in Bloops 3? The only thing I can use in that game and do well is the Haymaker or the Brecci.

Mister Facetious
Apr 21, 2007

I think I died and woke up in L.A.,
I don't know how I wound up in this place...

:canada:


If there are any problems, I'm sure the fine pro-level gamers of MLG® Brought To You By Activision™ will find any potential imbalances to such a nearly perfect game, and recommend quickly implemented fixes!

Kizurue
Apr 5, 2006

There's somethin' fishy goin' on here...

Should anyone want to murder people in the past 2 games tonight let me know.

To clarify on PS4, PSN name is Kizurue.

Kizurue fucked around with this message at 01:54 on Jun 22, 2018

moist turtleneck
Jul 17, 2003

Represent.





Dinosaur Gum

I'm gonna shoot the mans

fit em all up in there
Oct 10, 2006

Vacation juice all day.





How much anime and/or bodybags will be in this installment thanks in advance

faantastic
Dec 31, 2006

that dude.



gonna try this on pc.

cuz everyone just uses mouse and keyboards anyways.

EAT FASTER!!!!!!
Sep 21, 2002

Legendary.


:hampants::hampants::hampants:


Another one?

Happy Noodle Boy
Jul 3, 2002



fit em all up in there posted:

How much anime and/or bodybags will be in this installment thanks in advance

Ruin is in so bodybags are 100% confirmed

IM DAY DAY IRL
Jul 11, 2003

Everything's fine.

Nothing to see here.


BODY
BAGS

Mister Facetious
Apr 21, 2007

I think I died and woke up in L.A.,
I don't know how I wound up in this place...

:canada:



It's the best-selling, best-playing fps franchise in console history! I can't wait to play the newest one this year!

Happy Noodle Boy
Jul 3, 2002




https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BPtUGxgW9xw

Fatty_McLumpkin
Sep 30, 2002

Oh I loooove going to the mooon ahaha ahhhahaaa


i am down based on this writeup alone.

buttchugging adderall
May 7, 2007

COME GET SOME


Who knew Activision executives were so cute?

Mister Facetious
Apr 21, 2007

I think I died and woke up in L.A.,
I don't know how I wound up in this place...

:canada:


Fatty_McLumpkin posted:

i am down based on this writeup alone.

It's the best OP for a Call of Duty game yet, and really fills me with optimism for the upcoming release!

Vicissitude
Jan 26, 2004

You ever do the chicken dance at a wake? That really bothers people.

Mister Facetious posted:

It's the best OP for a Call of Duty game yet, and really fills me with optimism for the upcoming release!



Just posting this ahead of time.

Fuligin
Oct 27, 2010

wait what the fuck??



game has an insanely terrible cover, to the extent that i almost admire it.,

Mister Facetious
Apr 21, 2007

I think I died and woke up in L.A.,
I don't know how I wound up in this place...

:canada:


Vicissitude posted:



Just posting this ahead of time.

Treyarch is a solid developer with over a decade's experience in the Call of Duty franchise, including three of the top five highest-selling titles!

Happy Noodle Boy
Jul 3, 2002



MW3 is the top seller? Really?

REALLY?

Ghosts in top 5 is 100% correct.

Mister Facetious
Apr 21, 2007

I think I died and woke up in L.A.,
I don't know how I wound up in this place...

:canada:


Infinity Ward has shown itself to be a true leader in the FPS developer world since the original Call of Duty on PC!
It's no surprise that they are neck-and-neck with their longtime rivals Treyarch with games like MW3 and Black Ops 1 in the series!

WattsvilleBlues
Jan 25, 2005

Every demon wants his pound of flesh

Jesus, how is Ghosts 4th?

Also, what's Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 4 (Working Title) (2013)?

I'll never understand the hate for Infinite Warfare.

Happy Noodle Boy
Jul 3, 2002



WattsvilleBlues posted:

I'll never understand the hate for Infinite Warfare.

People don't like good things they prefer oppressive P2W trash they can throw money at to be better at the game.

housefly
Sep 11, 2001



Happy Noodle Boy posted:

People don't like good things they prefer oppressive P2W trash they can throw money at to be better at the game.

I paid 2 win

WattsvilleBlues
Jan 25, 2005

Every demon wants his pound of flesh

Anyone know if BO4 has the map preloading in the lobby like Infinite Warfare?

Happy Noodle Boy
Jul 3, 2002



WattsvilleBlues posted:

Anyone know if BO4 has the map preloading in the lobby like Infinite Warfare?

From whatís been shown in E3 and streams, it does not.

Bumper Stickup
Jan 7, 2012

Mmm... Offshore Toast!




Grimey Drawer

Someone is salty he didn't get a box gun.

Happy Noodle Boy
Jul 3, 2002



Bumper Stickup posted:

Someone is salty he didn't get a box gun.

I just craft the ones I want after they get added to the prototype lab :smug:

Mister Facetious
Apr 21, 2007

I think I died and woke up in L.A.,
I don't know how I wound up in this place...

:canada:


Crafting is a great new feature to the Call of Duty formula that keeps weapons fresh and exciting, while also giving players another goal to strive for!

Mill Village
Jul 27, 2007



Mister Facetious posted:

Crafting is a great new feature to the Call of Duty formula that keeps weapons fresh and exciting, while also giving players another goal to strive for!

Iím reading these posts in your voice and itís loving hilarious.

WattsvilleBlues
Jan 25, 2005

Every demon wants his pound of flesh

Happy Noodle Boy posted:

From what’s been shown in E3 and streams, it does not.

Fucks sake why would they not do this?

GUI
Nov 5, 2005



WattsvilleBlues posted:

Fucks sake why would they not do this?

Unless something changes between now and release I'd wager its because each main studio (Treyarch, Sledgehammer, Infinity Ward) has a different branch of the engine COD runs on.

marathon Stairmaster sesh
Apr 28, 2009

ALL HAIL CEO NUGGET
1988-PRESENT



WattsvilleBlues posted:

I'll never understand the hate for Infinite Warfare.

IW Zombies has bullshit main easter egg quest steps especially on Shoulin Shuffle.

Happy Noodle Boy
Jul 3, 2002



marathon Stairmaster sesh posted:

IW Zombies has bullshit main easter egg quest steps especially on Shoulin Shuffle.

What??? I love the Shaolin EE. The only bullshit steps on it are finding the rat symbols out of 12 locations (more tedious that anything) and the eye phase doing the final fight?

Attack fixed a lot of things by making everything static on the map so once you understand what to do you'll know where everything is.

Beast from Beyond is stupid easy to do but the boss fight is loving bullshit.

Rave is the easiest and Aliens is ok solo and impossible in a group.

SilentW
Apr 3, 2009

my It dept hgere is fucking clwonshoes, and as someone hwo used to do IT for 9 years it pains me to see them fbe so terriuble

I think
Im going to shoot the man's
In calladoodyblakopsfower.

Mister Facetious
Apr 21, 2007

I think I died and woke up in L.A.,
I don't know how I wound up in this place...

:canada:


:yeah:

I'm ready for multiplayer mayhem!

WattsvilleBlues
Jan 25, 2005

Every demon wants his pound of flesh

GUI posted:

Unless something changes between now and release I'd wager its because each main studio (Treyarch, Sledgehammer, Infinity Ward) has a different branch of the engine COD runs on.

I'd borrow the code or at least the idea.

Gonna miss the advanced movement, I doubt we'll ever see it again.

Mill Village
Jul 27, 2007



We still get sliding and unlimited sprint so I can live with that.

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Bumper Stickup
Jan 7, 2012

Mmm... Offshore Toast!




Grimey Drawer

WattsvilleBlues posted:

I'd borrow the code or at least the idea.

Gonna miss the advanced movement, I doubt we'll ever see it again.

Turns out most of the fan base hates advanced movement because "realism."

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