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OfChristandMen
Feb 13, 2006

GENERIC CANDY AVATAR #2


I gotta get a purple. Mint, we gotta JOKER up and destroy all these other candy losers into Abolish-MINT.

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WereGoat
Apr 28, 2017



OfChristandMen posted:

I gotta get a purple. Mint, we gotta JOKER up and destroy all these other candy losers into Abolish-MINT.

Your gonna get nothin but face cards and we're all gonna laugh at you

WereGoat
Apr 28, 2017



Hahaha!

That was a little preview for you.

Birdstrike
Oct 30, 2008

NRL
Teaching new dogs,
old tricks.



I’m writing a story it’s pretty good

and by good I mean bad, like team lollipop

AnonymousNarcotics
Aug 6, 2012

we will go far into the sea
you will take me
onto your back
never look back
never look back


Wow gently caress you plumpy

WereGoat
Apr 28, 2017



AnonymousNarcotics posted:

Wow gently caress you plumpy

Back off Plumpy ya dilapidated ruin, Plumpy fulfils an important function in Candy Land an I don't see you stepping up to the plate to take over.

Moatillata
Dec 13, 2006

Maintain.


Birdstrike posted:

I’m writing a story it’s pretty good

and by good I mean bad, like team lollipop

Can you finish mine bc I'm probably never gonna get around to it

DivineCoffeeBinge
Mar 3, 2011

Spider-Man's Amazing Construction Company


AJ_Impy posted:

Oh, what a surprise, Chocolate is bitter and melts in the slightest heat.

this is what I was looking for, god drat son

Birdstrike
Oct 30, 2008

NRL
Teaching new dogs,
old tricks.



BiRDSTRiKE’S CHALLENGE NUMBER WHATEVER EROTiC RESTRiCTiON FiCTiON

The opulence of the scene before her in no way suggested the mortal dread Marja was now feeling. But what could be done? Mere hours ago the President of the United States was brash and loud and full of life, and now he was dead. As Donald Trump stiffened into the great beyond, it fell to Marja and her team to SAVE CIVILISATION.

Marja entered the room in hermetically sealed hazmat gear. If the Secret Service had performed a sweep before she got there it was impossible to tell - the penthouse of Helsinki’s Grand Perkele Hotel betrayed no clues of prior interference.

Not a hair was present, let alone out of place. What happened to that orange mop?

“It’s eerie,” said Sirpa as she followed closely behind Marja, also in full hazmat gear. “No signs of a life.”

“Compose yourself” Marja retorted impatiently. “We’re here to find evidence, keep your opinions quiet until your shift is over.”

It was Marja’s duty to find evidence, conduct geopolitical analysis to find why Russia possibly assassinated the US President in Helsinki. But so many questions still lingered, chief among them, why would Russia kill Trump, the best ally they’ve ever had?

Marja’s impertinence toward Sirpa belied her feelings of unease. After reading about the escapades of the President in hotel rooms with other women and his penchant for watersports, Marja expected the room to be filthy. But this one looked untouched. The only items of evidence Trump had ever been in the room were the soccer ball he had given to Barron, as round and smooth as that child’s brain; and a half eaten box of chocolates which were gifted by Putin.

One of Marja’s younger assistants, Sami, barged into the room. “What’s taking so long ladies?” he asked insouciantly.

Marja turned to this young man who was play-acting at POTUS. “You idiot!” she yelled though her helmet muffled the sound. “Where is your protective suit? You’ll contaminate the scene.”

“Haha,” Sami laughed, “the only thing you’ll contaminate in those suits is a circus. For clowns.”

“Besides, it’s a hotel room. It’s already contaminated by god-knows-what” Sami chortled as he popped two of the darkly glistening chocolates into his mouth with millennial haste. He savoured that glorious mix of sweet and umami flavours as the confections melted over his tongue, a sweet worthy of being given to the most powerful man in the world.

Within seconds Sami collapsed to the ground, his mouth now spouting a dark brown foam, sticky and with a sickly sweet smell. Arms and legs flailed and twitched as Sami’s lithe and taut body convulsed in agonising pain, screaming inaudibly as he choked on the cocoa-coloured foam.

Marja, stunned, watched in horror as Sami’s death throes continued. She thought to tell Sirpa to run and get help, but if the medics rushed in without protective suits than surely they would die as well, such was the potency of the deadly substances involved. As Marja stood paralysed, Sirpa had put all the pieces together.

Vittu!This isn’t chocolate.

It’s novichokolate.”

Of course, Sirpa was wrong. Sure, the chocolate was highly, highly poisonous, but that was from improper storage allowing bacteria to flourish in the northern summer.

No, chocolate didn’t kill The Don. He hadn’t touched the stuff. Donald Trump hated chocolate. It reminded him too much of Europeans, and they were losers. Putin told him to give them to Nancy, but Jared was hungry and didn’t know how to order any food in Finnish.

No, Donald Trump much preferred good old fashioned, all-American Haribo gummy bears from Germany. “They made a cartoon about them, you know” he would tell people for no particular reason. “They’re winners.”

If Marja and Sirpa has bothered to look in the bathroom they would have found two empty packs of gummy bears, the Orange One’s favourite snack. That final morsel was too much for his digestive system to gummy bear, and so it vacated his body to lie festering in the hotel bathroom.

Captain Foo
May 11, 2004

devil on your shoulder





Clever Betty

Moatillata posted:

Can you finish mine bc I'm probably never gonna get around to it

look at this mf who doesn't even like candy

Prince of Space
Apr 17, 2016



Hell Gem

WereGoat posted:

Cats or GTFO

More Jokers for the Joker God:

CHALLENGE 4: CANDIED COMPANIONS

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DM4vU52HLww

In which Marlowe the cat eats a rare treat: banana!

Moatillata
Dec 13, 2006

Maintain.


Captain Foo posted:

look at this mf who doesn't even like candy

This is bullshit I helped pay her kids way thru college

Birdstrike
Oct 30, 2008

NRL
Teaching new dogs,
old tricks.



Moatillata posted:

This is bullshit I helped pay her kids way thru college

clown college

Moatillata
Dec 13, 2006

Maintain.


Birdstrike posted:

clown college

It's a proud tradition in their family

hexwren
Feb 27, 2008



No turn tonight, I've wrecked something in my back and all the standing up and sitting down and crouching to take photos and the walking back and forth to the board is just not doable. We'll be back on in 24 hours or so. In the meantime, play on.

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Ramos
Jul 3, 2012



Yowch, take it easy, man.

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