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Lowtax
Nov 16, 1999


Hey guys, I've been finding myself thirsty a lot lately, which always seems to happen around summer, and I've usually been drinking water (from the faucet, from a bottle, from a hose, from a cactus, etc etc). However I just returned from running some errands and I saw a guy drinking water and he was uglier and fatter than me. I don't want to get uglier and fatter (I'm ugly and fat enough), so I was looking into alternatives for water. Here's what I've tried so far:

* Gatorade - It's pretty good and sweet and I see a lot of attractive pro athletes using it (to drink), so I'm inclined to drink this. However, it's expensive and I heard it contains water, and those are both deal breakers to me.

* Milk - This comes from a cow, and cows are full of steak, not water, so that's a plus. However it's even MORE expensive, and also it makes me fart and poo poo a lot. So gently caress off farmers.

* Very hard liquor - I looked for 200 proof alcohol and got whatever was the closest to it and now my mouth tastes like pain, so count this option out

* Sand - The opposite of what I'm looking for (makes me thirstier), but it is free and you can find a lot of it at children's playgrounds. I take it home with me because moms don't like it when you eat sand in front of their kids.

* Blood - Drank my own blood and it tasted like poo poo (I was bleeding out of my rear end in a top hat after drinking a quart of sand). Also I figure that eventually I'll run out of blood to drink, and I'll have to move on to something else (like sand).

Are there any viable alternatives to drinking water that you guys have heard about? It needs to taste good and be cost effective and not contain water because I don't want to get fatter and uglier. Thank you and may g*d bless.

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Hell Yeah
Dec 25, 2012



it's piss, lowtax.

Lemming
Apr 21, 2008



Nap Ghost

Don't do it. Read this post before you make the post you were going to make. Do not make that post.

eightysixed
Sep 23, 2004

I always tell the truth. Even when I lie.


bleach is the obvious answer here.

Fucked-Up Little Dog
Aug 26, 2008

Posting live from the nightmare future of Web 3.0

Scratchmo

lol if you don't hydrate intravenously

Handen
Jun 29, 2003




GOD
I
FUKKKIN
LOVE
THE
LAST
JEDI




Lowtax posted:

* Blood - Drank my own blood and it tasted like poo poo (I was bleeding out of my rear end in a top hat after drinking a quart of sand). Also I figure that eventually I'll run out of blood to drink, and I'll have to move on to something else (like sand).

Just add cum and ants.

Sid Vicious
Jan 1, 2017

It's something unpredictable,but in the end is right, I hope you had the time of your life


Bleach absolutely does the trick when I'm thirsty

Sid Vicious
Jan 1, 2017

It's something unpredictable,but in the end is right, I hope you had the time of your life


eightysixed posted:

bleach is the obvious answer here.

gently caress

Sponge Baathist
Jan 30, 2010



Banned user tears have electrolytes. they got what plants crave

Mozi
Apr 4, 2004

The door blew shut but here's the deal
Dreams are lies, it's the dreaming that's real


Nap Ghost

what i find helpful is to dehydrate my water in a bathtub or small kiddie pool with a fan blowing on it until it's all gone, then scrape up the solids and eat them to gain all the necessary nourishment

Lowtax
Nov 16, 1999


Mozi posted:

what i find helpful is to dehydrate my water in a bathtub or small kiddie pool with a fan blowing on it until it's all gone, then scrape up the solids and eat them to gain all the necessary nourishment

What if I just grind up and eat the bathtub?

Cirrhosis Johnson
Jan 9, 2014


Lowtax posted:

What if I just grind up and eat the bathtub?

Then you become the bathtub.

Andenno
May 1, 2009



You should try ice. It's like the diet version of water. As you crunch and munch away your jaw is burning up all those extra water calories.

Lowtax
Nov 16, 1999


Cirrhosis Johnson posted:

Then you become the bathtub.
That would piss off my wife, because then I wouldn't be able to drive. So count that out.

Lowtax
Nov 16, 1999


Andenno posted:

You should try ice. It's like the diet version of water. As you crunch and munch away your jaw is burning up all those extra water calories.
N(ice) try, but even I know that ice is chock full of water. I did my research.

Kak
Sep 27, 2002



Fresh honey with the bees still on it

Who What Now
Sep 10, 2006

I AM UNABLE TO DISCUSS POLITICS WITHOUT BECOMING A SCREECHING RACIST RETARD

Cum is tasty and full of vitamins and minerals

DISCO KING
Oct 30, 2012

STILL
TRYING
TOO
HARD


Just drink VINEGAR! It's full of liquid, and it's (probably) very hydrating.

Diqnol
May 9, 2010

Look, I eat them all the time, just trust me.


Ramrod XTreme

Have you considered windshield washer fluid? The downsides are it causes blindness but the advantages include not being able to see yourself get fatter and uglier as well as having streak free underwear.

PincerAttack
Nov 24, 2016


That was a good decision. Drinking water weakens your vertebraes.

Kuato
Feb 25, 2005

500 GOOD DOGS/COMFY FLEECE SWEATER ALT ACCOUNT

Buglord

Soda has carbonated water. So soda might be out. If you like spicy food have you considered drinking liquid hot magma?

eonwe
Aug 11, 2008



Lipstick Apathy

just diet coke

never drink anything else

Thunderhawk
Dec 31, 2011


Brawndo. It's got what plants need.

Wall Balls
Jun 3, 2007

Spanish Castle Magic


oil is anti-water, it refuses to even mix with water. olive oil is tasty and healthy, but you can also get crude by the drum

ClamdestineBoyster
Aug 15, 2015



Kak posted:

Fresh honey with the bees still on it

Yeah Iím gonna go with that over eau de septic corpse.

Mnoba
Jun 24, 2010



definitely heavy water, it's much more nutritious

DISCO KING
Oct 30, 2012

STILL
TRYING
TOO
HARD


Gasoline fuels my car, why not your cybernetic body, Lowtax?

VikingSkull
Jan 23, 2017
Hillary Clinton/Sonic fanfic, it's so hawt.

"That's no good, no one has the right to touch you.

Want more? Ask!

PAID FOR BY THE SONIC SCREW (best typo it stays)

i get all my nutrients from the sun, staring at it mainly

Internetjack
Sep 15, 2007

oh god how did this get here i am not good with computers


Top Cop

Try some syrup. Not very watery, and lots of good calories for energy!

Lowtax
Nov 16, 1999


DISCO KING posted:

Gasoline fuels my car, why not your cybernetic body, Lowtax?
At $3.00 a gallon, I'd be a fuel to fool up! See what I did there. That's comedy (jokes).

Lemon
May 22, 2003



human shite

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

No need to sign, we'll take care of that.


Lipstick Apathy

Andenno posted:

You should try ice. It's like the diet version of water. As you crunch and munch away your jaw is burning up all those extra water calories.

Hot steam is the diet version. Ice is the fatty dessert of water.

Inexplicable Humblebrag
Sep 20, 2003



box wine, op

when you've drunk it, hey, free box

Lesgoon
Jan 16, 2004


You should try mayonnaise op. Pro tip tho, get a big jiggly bowl of that white nectar and give it a solid 2 minutes in the microwave first.

Salt Fish
Sep 11, 2003



Cybernetic Crumb

You could just switch to very hydrating foods. Sand is too dry, but watermelon (just a name) or cantaloupe and maybe wet cat food?

The Dennis System
Aug 4, 2014

Nothing in Jurassic World is natural, we have always filled gaps in the genome with the DNA of other animals. And if the genetic code was pure, many of them would look quite different. But you didn't ask for reality, you asked for more teeth.


Pepsi Zero Sugar. Best tasting diet soda imho.

Wall Balls
Jun 3, 2007

Spanish Castle Magic


go keto with a tall glass of rendered hog fat

gbs but from 2004
Oct 24, 2004

wow u rude pig


SEMEN, OP

Diqnol
May 9, 2010

Look, I eat them all the time, just trust me.


Ramrod XTreme

Is your skin absorbent? If you have bad skin it can betray you by putting too much into your system while bathing. Swap to dry soaps and a mixture of sand and water to keep it svelte.

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The Bloop
Jul 5, 2004


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