Solutions to itchy butthole: I pushed garlic cloves up my wife's ass

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Solutions to itchy butthole: I pushed garlic cloves up my wife's ass

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Dolphin: Dec 5, 2008; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

When I go to take a poo poo I scratch the poo poo out of my butthole with that toilet paper until I'm holding a tattered clump of lovely tp. Then i go in for a second round.

Literally the first 3 minutes of any shower is just me getting right up in there and scratching the ever loving gently caress out of that puckered iris.

There must be a better way

# ? Jul 19, 2018 16:56

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# ? Apr 26, 2024 13:53

hevnz 2 murgatroyd: Apr 13, 2018; by Smythe

Get your butthole licked

# ? Jul 19, 2018 16:59

vudan: Dec 11, 2010

Eat more fibre. Lean forward while pooping. Check for worms. Avoid spicy foods. Use a bidet. Use a wet butt towel.

# ? Jul 19, 2018 16:59

The Cubelodyte: Sep 1, 2006; Practicing Hypnolaw since 1990; Grimey Drawer

Regular showers :shrug:

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:01

Colonel Cancer: Sep 26, 2015; Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon

There's that goon with 10 extra butt plugs. Just borrow one of those idk

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:01

GotDonuts: Apr 28, 2008; Karbohydrate Kitteh

Sounds like you really need to pressure wash that rear end son

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:02

house of the dad: Jul 4, 2005

Sounds like you have athlete's foot. Athlete's butthole? I don't know, stop raking your rear end in a top hat

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:04

timp: Sep 19, 2007; Everything is in my control; Lipstick Apathy

I always take a quick moment to spread my butt cheeks a bit before I sit on the toilet. Tends to reduce the amount of toilet paper needed, and I imagine it probably helps to prevent excessive itchy rear end in a top hat. Just don�t overdo it or you�ll find when you stand up that there is some blood in the bowl that leaked down from your (slightly) torn rectum.

This is definitely not my first time posting this tip on these forums. Jesus.

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:08

Kuato: Feb 25, 2005; "I CAN'T BELIEVE I ATE THE WHOLE THING"; Buglord

I think you need to cut off the top layer of skin and all of your butt itch problems will go away. It�s best if a trained professional does it, but if you�re broke you can just get a sharp knife and diy

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:11

house of the dad: Jul 4, 2005

timp posted:

I always take a quick moment to spread my butt cheeks a bit before I sit on the toilet. Tends to reduce the amount of toilet paper needed, and I imagine it probably helps to prevent excessive itchy rear end in a top hat. Just don�t overdo it or you�ll find when you stand up that there is some blood in the bowl that leaked down from your (slightly) torn rectum.

This is definitely not my first time posting this tip on these forums. Jesus.

I just use whatever that thing is they shove into your mouth at the dentist to keep you from closing it

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:11

myDad: Jan 20, 2010; ce n'est pas ma m�re; College Slice

house of the dad posted:

Sounds like you have athlete's foot. Athlete's butthole? I don't know, stop raking your rear end in a top hat

yeah probably a fungus growing from your balloon knot

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:11

Mel Mudkiper: Jan 19, 2012; At this point, Mudman abruptly ends the conversation. He usually insists on the last word.

roll up several tissues into a wad the approximate size of a quarter and stick it up your butthole op

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:13

free hubcaps: Oct 12, 2009

adult wipes op. thank me later.

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:14

bitterandtwisted: Sep 4, 2006

Scootch across the carpet like a dog

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:15

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

get a goddamn bidet ffs

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:16

Mr. Fall Down Terror: Jan 24, 2018; by Fluffdaddy

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pinworm_infection

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:19

Saint Isaias Boner: Jan 17, 2007; hi how are you ♥

nah just gotta keep scratching op

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:19

Saint Isaias Boner: Jan 17, 2007; hi how are you ♥

really get up in there

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:20

house of the dad: Jul 4, 2005

bradzilla posted:

get a goddamn bidet ffs

A bidet would probably feel like a tickle compared to the absolute destruction this dude is wreaking on his rear end in a top hat day to day

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:22

open container: Sep 16, 2008

Lol op has butt parasites

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:24

Bogus Adventure: Jan 11, 2017; More like "Bulges Adventure"

Hydrofluoric acid ought to take care of that itchy rear end in a top hat pretty quickly.

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:25

YerAuraBoresMeAlice: Dec 26, 2005

It puts the lotion on it's butthole.

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:27

ContraBoss: Dec 6, 2005; Well *I* only read the New Yorker and eat Fancy Feast.

Dolphin posted:

When I go to take a poo poo I scratch the poo poo out of my butthole with that toilet paper until I'm holding a tattered clump of lovely tp. Then i go in for a second round.

Literally the first 3 minutes of any shower is just me getting right up in there and scratching the ever loving gently caress out of that puckered iris.

There must be a better way

Anal fissures are like the most common cause of an itchy rear end in a top hat, OP. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anal_fissure
They're caused the same way as hemorrhoids(which can itch, too); You want to make sure your poo poo passes easily, so start eating more veggies, fiber, and drink a lot more water than you are now. If you're not willing to make minor lifestyle changes, then I suggest investing in a nice wire brush or growing out your nails.

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:28

Shats Basoon: Jun 13, 2013

Scratch the butt, sniff the finger. Scratch the butt, sniff the finger. Scratch the butt, sniff the finger

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:28

Papa Emeritus III: Jul 7, 2017; [A MESSAGE FROM THE CLERGY]

Dat's Pussy Trap, bitch!

_{_{Deal with it.}}

Itchy = wipe more and scrub da booty

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:28

Ligament: Jun 12, 2018; Biscuit Hider

I have no solution, OP, but I will pray for you

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:29

Big Bowie Bonanza: Dec 30, 2007; please tell me where i can date this cute boy

i've learned to prolapse and then pull it back in real quick and it scratches it nicely op

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:31

Kuato: Feb 25, 2005; "I CAN'T BELIEVE I ATE THE WHOLE THING"; Buglord

It feels good to scratch an itchy butthole. Sounds like your �problem� is actually enhancing the state of your overall existence

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:37

Mel Mudkiper: Jan 19, 2012; At this point, Mudman abruptly ends the conversation. He usually insists on the last word.

ContraBoss posted:

Anal fissures are like the most common cause of an itchy rear end in a top hat, OP. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anal_fissure
They're caused the same way as hemorrhoids(which can itch, too); You want to make sure your poo poo passes easily, so start eating more veggies, fiber, and drink a lot more water than you are now. If you're not willing to make minor lifestyle changes, then I suggest investing in a nice wire brush or growing out your nails.

I am not sure why I didn't expect to see a butthole when I clicked that link but man did I end up seeing a butthole

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:39

Jeffrey Dahmer: May 21, 2017; by Pragmatica; Muldoon

Get a box of these you idiots

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:41

Burt Sexual: Jan 26, 2006; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS; Switchblade Switcharoo

Sounds like you don't wipe well at all, OP. Remedial buttwiping 101 for you.

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:42

Icochet: Mar 18, 2008; I have a very small TV. Don't make fun of it! Please don't shame it like that~; Grimey Drawer

Regular people stop wiping when the paper remains white. Professionals do it until it turns red.

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:46

cowofwar: Jul 30, 2002; by Athanatos

Be less obese you gross goons

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:48

Gay Weed Dad: Jul 12, 2016; cool dude, flyin' high

OP sounds like you have hemorrhoids and these posters are giving you really bad advice. Most times they are caused by your diet, not your hygiene.

- Wash normally - don't go over the top with the soaps and stuff
- Change toilet paper - too soft or too harsh will equally cause this
- Cut back on caffeine - this works very well
- No alcohol - in the same vein as the coffee, try to avoid anything that dehydrates you
- Preparation H - feels good on the whole

Don't get too upset! One man's itchy rear end in a top hat is another man's delicious finger

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:49

Devils Affricate: Jan 22, 2010

Maybe remove a few of the enormous cocks, OP

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:52

Mel Mudkiper: Jan 19, 2012; At this point, Mudman abruptly ends the conversation. He usually insists on the last word.

buy a power drill and replace the drillbit with a scrub brush and stick it up your butt

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:52

Blue Train: Jun 17, 2012

hourly lidocaine injections op

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:57

ContraBoss: Dec 6, 2005; Well *I* only read the New Yorker and eat Fancy Feast.

Mel Mudkiper posted:

I am not sure why I didn't expect to see a butthole when I clicked that link but man did I end up seeing a butthole

It's a good butthole, though. Other than the little fissure, it looks really low-maintenance.

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:57

Mel Mudkiper: Jan 19, 2012; At this point, Mudman abruptly ends the conversation. He usually insists on the last word.

ContraBoss posted:

It's a good butthole, though. Other than the little fissure, it looks really low-maintenance.

the fact its all lubed up makes me wonder if its not actually a medical photo but instead an observant wiki editor was watching porn and took a screenshot

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:58

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# ? Apr 26, 2024 13:53

BigBadSteve: Apr 29, 2009

Serious post (all these have helped my own rear end in a top hat problems):

Wet/dry wiping method: Spit on the toilet paper on alternate wipes. Not big green loogies, just clear spit.
Buy a pure cotton face wash cloth (you can order them on eBay). Scratch your rear end up a bit less with toilet paper, and finish with the wash cloth dipped in warm water. Clean it well afterwards. You can attach the 'rag' to a stick if necessary (I haven't tried this). Be sure to rinse well after use. Don't use packet wipes as they clog up drains and sewers.
After wiping a reasonable amount, stick your finger right up your bum as far as it will go. It's like a massage for your rear end in a top hat, and helps remove those really reluctant fragments of congealed poo poo, poppy seeds etc. Wash your finger well afterwards, including under the nail.

BigBadSteve fucked around with this message at 18:02 on Jul 19, 2018

# ? Jul 19, 2018 17:59

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Solutions to itchy butthole: I pushed garlic cloves up my wife's ass

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