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I have a dear friend, a former teacher of mine at school, who lives in my hometown. I visit every so often and even when I'm not in town, I check in with Betty regularly because she's older now and all her life she's dealt with depression. In the past few years she's had some setbacks financially and lost a person that she loved, and it sent her into a serious depression tailspin for a while. I and her other friends and family stayed with her through it, and she is under a doctor's care now and goes to regular sessions and checkups. She's doing better, but another problem has come up. Betty lives in a small house, but keeping it clean overwhelmed her when she was sick. She freely admits it. The house isn't a hoarder site and outside it looks nice, but on the inside, it's kind of squalid. I know this only because I see it in the background when Betty texts me pictures of her dogs. She hasn't actually let anyone inside for almost a year now, we visit with her on the sun porch. The house is far from gooncave levels with dried piss and dead rats, but there's a stack of dishes on the counters that I know haven't been done for months, the baths are grimy, the kitchen is greasy and dirty and a fire hazard, I think. It got that way through depression, but now Betty just doesn't seem to be physically strong enough to take on a lot of heavy cleaning and get it back the way it used to be. She doesn't like the conditions either, and now that she's feeling better she's made efforts to clean it, but the size of the task overwhelms her. I have volunteered to come and help her, her family in town have said they'd be glad to help her, many friends have offered their help too, but she turns us all down. She finally told me why, it's because she's ashamed to have anyone she knows see her house as it is now and that she wouldn't be able to face us afterward. When I suggested hiring a cleaning service to do it instead, she was even more upset about the idea of strangers coming in. She is convinced, for some reason, that they might take pictures when she isn't looking and post them on Facebook and the like to make fun of her. No matter how many glowing reviews we find of a service, she's still convinced they will mock her and humiliate her when they see how neglected her house is and probably video it for others to laugh at too. I'm at my wit's end here. Any suggestions for how to look for a cleaning service that might be open to working with someone like Betty? She is very gentle and not argumentative at all, and she's not a hoarder who needs to be convinced to let go of stuff once someone's in, she did let me clean the sun porch for her and she was so happy to have it livable again. She never even asked where the junk piled there went or seemed to care. Also, before anyone asks, her house is disorderly but the dogs are fine. I went to school with Betty's vet and I asked. The dogs are loved and cared for, seen for regular checkups, and are healthy, clean, and well-fed. Betty's house really isn't even as bad as she thinks it is. But this is making her miserable and I can't figure out how to get her the help she needs in a way she'll accept.
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Aug 14, 2018 01:26
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| # ? Apr 25, 2024 19:53 |
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We have some local handyman type businesses here that specialize in cleaning out dead grandparents' homes. Most cleaning services have seen all kinds of terrible filth. I would get her out of the house for a day or overnight and start with the kitchen and bathrooms. You and 1 friend could make a significant difference, she'd be encouraged and let you continue through the other rooms one weekend at a time. Honesty is important but I would probably have a dont-ask-don't-tell policy about hiring professional help. Bills can be explained as "rented a carpet shampooer." My current task is cleaning out my in-laws kitchen while my mother-in-law is recovering with a broken foot. Sorry mom, you'll rebuild your collection of scrap paper soon enough.
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Aug 16, 2018 01:20
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I hired professional organizers to clear out my parents' house after my father went into care. Because they did a lot of work helping seniors downsize into smaller places, there were utterly unfazed by the borderline feral nature of the basement. Using organizers instead of cleaners might reframe the whole issue as "professionally prepping the house to suit current lifestyle" rather than a pity bailout. More expensive than cleaners, though. Depending on how rational your friend is, it might be good enough to get a professional cleaning company. They'd have very strict rules and consequences for anyone taking pictures, which might reassure her. If you really want to try her on babysteps, you could try something like bringing a big plastic bin to put on her porch--tell her you'll get rid of anything that goes in the bin. My brother is autistic, and the first success I had with getting him to clear poo poo out was by designating a "GTFO" bookshelf where he could move things at his own pace. From there it was easier to get momentum on packing up the stuff he wanted to keep--suddenly he had enough room to start moving things around.
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Aug 28, 2018 23:20
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If you live in south shore or cape cod Massachusetts, PM me, I should be able to help you. Otherwise, maybe look for a social worker who does cleaning on the side for extra cash? Not uncommon.
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Aug 31, 2018 13:54
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pat_b posted:Otherwise, maybe look for a social worker who does cleaning on the side for extra cash? Not uncommon. This is simultaneously hilarious and heartbreaking.
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Sep 12, 2018 05:44
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