Premier League September Thread: As much effort as Fellani

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium > The Ray Parlour > Premier League September Thread: As much effort as Fellani

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CyberPingu: Sep 15, 2013; If you're not striving to improve, you'll end up going backwards.

Heres the league table, gently caress international breaks etc etc.

# ? Sep 10, 2018 11:42

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# ? Apr 24, 2024 17:37

Xabi: Jan 21, 2006; Inventor of the Marmite pasty

That's a lovely table TBQH.

# ? Sep 10, 2018 12:32

vyelkin: Jan 2, 2011

end the season now etc etc

gently caress international breaks

# ? Sep 10, 2018 12:46

Shaman Tank Spec: Dec 26, 2003; *blep*

Flip the table, end the season now.

# ? Sep 10, 2018 13:43

peanut-: Feb 17, 2004; Fun Shoe

To continue the London Stadium chat from the August thread, I think the LLDC and West Ham are driving the losses to a point so unsustainable that they can justify selling the ground to West Ham at a knock-down price just to get it off the government's books.

There's no other way out of the lease they signed with the club, it's clearly how the Dildo Brothers expect this to play out.

# ? Sep 10, 2018 13:48

bewbies: Sep 23, 2003; Fun Shoe

quote:

An opportunity has arisen for the appointment of a Recruitment Analyst within the scouting and recruitment department of Manchester United Football Club. Whilst contributing to an existing performance analysis service this position will specifically involve the acquisition, processing and feedback of relevant player performance data.

Applicants for this position should be in possession of a sport science honours degree (minimum 2:1) or equivalent, preferably a master�s level qualification and have completed specific performance analysis training. An understanding of the technical and tactical demands of professional football is essential together with experience in using performance analysis systems and software. Ideally the successful candidate will have experience using the creative cloud suite products (After Effects, Photoshop, Premier Pro).

Alongside formal training applicants must be able to work conscientiously and with total discretion. Ability to work as an individual as well as a contributory team player is a vital requirement of this position.

This is an excellent opportunity for a self-motivated individual who desires to enhance their current skill set and effectively contribute to an evolving department at a world class professional football club.

Due to site location and limited public transport, a driver�s license and access to personal transport is required.

Due to this post being in regulated activity, the potential employee will be required to undertake a Disclosure and Barring Service check at the appropriate level. It is a criminal offence for a barred person to attempt to engage with vulnerable groups.

****polishes resume****

# ? Sep 10, 2018 14:16

NTRabbit: Aug 15, 2012; i wear this armour to protect myself from the histrionics of hysterical women

bitches

peanut- posted:

To continue the London Stadium chat from the August thread, I think the LLDC and West Ham are driving the losses to a point so unsustainable that they can justify selling the ground to West Ham at a knock-down price just to get it off the government's books.

There's no other way out of the lease they signed with the club, it's clearly how the Dildo Brothers expect this to play out.

Working exactly as intended then

# ? Sep 10, 2018 14:19

CyberPingu: Sep 15, 2013; If you're not striving to improve, you'll end up going backwards.

bewbies posted:

****polishes resume****

Time to boot up Football Manager '05 and scout the up and comings list.

# ? Sep 10, 2018 15:13

sticksy: May 26, 2004; Nap Ghost

Why would a Recruiting Analyst need to know Photoshop?

# ? Sep 10, 2018 16:18

CyberPingu: Sep 15, 2013; If you're not striving to improve, you'll end up going backwards.

sticksy posted:

Why would a Recruiting Analyst need to know Photoshop?

Changing the age field.

# ? Sep 10, 2018 16:24

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

sticksy posted:

Why would a Recruiting Analyst need to know Photoshop?

well its maybe for kids based on this so something to do with that?

quote:

Due to this post being in regulated activity, the potential employee will be required to undertake a Disclosure and Barring Service check at the appropriate level. It is a criminal offence for a barred person to attempt to engage with vulnerable groups.

# ? Sep 10, 2018 16:30

fat gay nonce: May 13, 2003; _{actual penis length: |-----------|}

Winner, PWM POTM January

Jose posted:

well its maybe for kids based on this so something to do with that?

They'll be working in the same location as under 18s so they must be DBS cleared, even if they do no work with them, same way a school janitor needs a DBS even if he's only going to murder and rape children.

They ask for CC experience presumably because the job consists of pulling data from whoever supplies the tracking poo poo then turning that into pretty diagrams/videos for Jose Mourinho to do a poo poo on

# ? Sep 10, 2018 17:13

West007: Apr 21, 2013

I cant wait to find out whether plucky Manchester United can snatch a point on Saturday at *checks notes* Vicarage Road.

# ? Sep 11, 2018 06:58

mackintosh: Aug 18, 2007; Semper Fidelis Poloniae

bewbies posted:

****polishes resume****

A reminder that the guy who held this position is now the sporting director of Legia Warsaw. You might want to rethink this opportunity.

# ? Sep 11, 2018 09:15

Bogan Krkic: Oct 31, 2010; Swedish style? No.
Yugoslavian style? Of course not.
It has to be Zlatan-style.

mackintosh posted:

A reminder that the guy who held this position is now the sporting director of Legia Warsaw. You might want to rethink this opportunity.

****Polishes resume****

# ? Sep 11, 2018 09:31

Gigi Galli: Sep 19, 2003; and then the car turned in to fire

Bogan Krkic posted:

****Polishes resume****

Heh

# ? Sep 11, 2018 13:09

blue footed boobie: Sep 14, 2012; UEFA SUPREMACY

Bogan Krkic posted:

****Polishes resume****

Nice.

# ? Sep 11, 2018 14:26

bewbies: Sep 23, 2003; Fun Shoe

Bogan Krkic posted:

****Polishes resume****

haha

# ? Sep 11, 2018 14:31

vyelkin: Jan 2, 2011

Bogan Krkic posted:

****Polishes resume****

# ? Sep 11, 2018 17:26

mila kunis: Jun 10, 2011

any cool injuries from the pointless friendlies?

# ? Sep 12, 2018 18:00

oliwan: Jul 20, 2005; by Nyc_Tattoo

It’s a Knockout Cup anyone? How Uefa might sate its competition thirst

https://www.theguardian.com/football/blog/2018/sep/12/uefa-competition-its-a-knockout-cup-marina-hyde

guardian posted:

It’s a Knockout Cup anyone? How Uefa might sate its competition thirst

Marina Hyde

[...]

The Uefa Cup Losers’ Cup

Agnelli’s claim that Uefa wishes to modernise means there can be no return to its much-tolerated Cup-Winners’ Cup. However, there is nothing, absolutely nothing, stopping Uefa sating the deep need for a competition designed to determine who would beat whom out of the sides who lost cup finals – and this nine-month, leg-by-leg thrill ride promises to put you right inside the action. Sponsored by the European Central Bank.

The Wintertoto Cup

Assuming the Premier League does eventually sign up to a two-week winter break, this competition would work on the “a change is as good as a rest” principle. The break would consequently be used for more football, in the form of a high-intensity, low-prestige two-week knockout tournament between whichever sides are deemed least watchable by neutrals.

It’s A Knockout Competition

Exactly the same as the Champions League, except with every player dressed as a giant vegetable.

The Uefa VAR-WARS Cup

Likely to be swiftly nicknamed “the Euro Vars”, this serves as a sort of constructors’ championship for football, with all the soulful sporting magic the comparison suggests. Two remote video refereeing rooms play each other to get to a decision first, in a series of nail-biting, atmosphere-draining pauses. Amazon is set to buy all of the nine rights packages for a total of £1.2bn.

The Championships League

A format that is at once as self-explanatory as it is inexplicable. In this case, the high concept would be to expand the offer of European football beyond the top flight’s top clubs, and the top flight’s middling clubs, and the top flight’s bottom clubs, all the way down to the best of the rest. In order to convey the requisite level of box office, the iconic Champions League anthem would be only slightly reworked, with the climactic chorus now running: “Die Meister of the Second Tier! Die Second Besten! Les Best-of-the-rest Equipes! The Championships!”

Uefa Relegatees League

Finding yourself dropping down out of the top league is no longer a bar to European football; instead, it’s a way in. In this competition, getting relegated constitutes the start of a long and energy-sapping journey that could even hasten your trajectory towards the third tier. Still, worth it for the telly money, apparently.

The Uefa Football Managers Footballer Manager Cup

In this state-of-the-art tournament for the post-football era of football, leading European football managers play each other at Football Manager. ITV announces its first all‑teen commentary team. Tim Lovejoy anchors.

The Arsenal Cup

Believed to be the world’s first cup competition in which only one team (Arsenal) competes. Though Arsenal are likely to leave themselves with everything to do in the second leg, the eventual triumph should spare the nation 937 hours of angry radio phone-ins, 432 miles of portentous column inches, and 84 hectares of bedsheets.

The Uefa Open

It is surely only a matter of time before the powers that be realise they have somehow failed to monetise the popular post-training pastime of so many of European football’s biggest names. The Uefa Open would be a series of Ryder Cup-style golf matches between Europe’s leading club sides. Actually, hang on: why not go the whole hog and pit Uefa against MLS? I think we should probably be ruling things in rather than out at this stage.

# ? Sep 12, 2018 18:29

sebzilla: Mar 17, 2009; Kid's blasting everything in sight with that new-fangled musket.

wrong thread

# ? Sep 12, 2018 18:40

TheBigAristotle: Feb 8, 2007; I'm tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money.
I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.; Grimey Drawer

mila kunis posted:

any cool injuries from the pointless friendlies?

Yeah Luke Shaw got concussed

# ? Sep 12, 2018 18:42

bewbies: Sep 23, 2003; Fun Shoe

So Dele Alli and Lloris are out for Saturday, that's encouraging

# ? Sep 14, 2018 15:34

Weaponized Cum: Aug 31, 2004; This post brought to you by the finest Miami cocaine money can buy ----->

7:30 am game woo so excited

# ? Sep 14, 2018 15:35

gtkor: Feb 21, 2011

I think no Dele might mean they can run out both Son and Lucas, which I think is kind of hard to do if Dele is in the 11.

# ? Sep 14, 2018 15:38

Shaman Tank Spec: Dec 26, 2003; *blep*

Mourinho spent his pre-match presser largely ranting about the press and giving advanced statistics which PROVE that Marcus Rashford is being treated fairly at Manchester United for some reason. Not content with merely this, United saw fit to send an email to their mailing list about "Jose Mourinho's epic message to fans".

I guess I must have missed some big press manhunt this past week or something, because out of the blue this all just seems like Jose's cracking up big time.

(Someone on another forum went through the trouble of transcribing it all:

The fans should know the truth
�For the Manchester United supporters, I think it's important that they have the right idea of how things are in reality. The most important thing of all is the kid [Marcus Rashford] is a good kid, the kid is a good player and knows what Manchester United did for him, starting in the Academy and then with Mr [Louis] Van Gaal's support and my support and the club's support and the new contract and the new [no.10] shirt and being selected for every single match.

�Since I've been here, Marcus Rashford has been selected for every single match - he was never, not even for one day, out of selection because of my decision or because he was injured or, like in this case, because he is suspended. He was never, never out of selection, so he knows and that's the most important thing. But again, media is very important and I think it's important the Manchester United supporters know the truth. That's why I'm going so specific about these numbers."

They wake up and think of Jose
�Some of the people, everybody knows that they have double salaries, they also work for other clubs and when they also work for the clubs, of course they are not independent and of course they conduct things in the direction they want to conduct things. That's obvious and that's human, and that's natural.

It's not tactical but I accept clearly. The ones that wake up in the morning and the first thing that comes into their minds is Jose Mourinho at Manchester United, I feel sorry for them because there are much more interesting things to wake up and be happy about in the morning than to speak immediately about us and about football."

This is what we're doing with Marcus
�In 2017/18, he played 35 matches in the Premier League, eight in the Champions League, five in the FA Cup including the final, three League Cup matches and the UEFA Super Cup. He played a total of 52 matches with 2,676 minutes. If you divide that into 90 minutes, it gives 29.7 matches. So, with me in two seasons, he had 105 appearances, 5,744 minutes, 63.7 matches of 90 minutes, including five finals.
So, the people that are speaking and speaking about these minutes, I think they are a bit confused. Marcus Rashford is not Dominic Solanke, he's not Ruben Loftus-Cheek, he's not Dominic Calvert-Lewin - he is Marcus Rashford, a Manchester United player with an incredible number of appearances and an incredible number of minutes played at the highest level in the best possible competitions. So, Manchester United supporters, [it is] for you and just for you to know what we're doing with Marcus Rashford, with Luke Shaw, with Jesse Lingard, with Scott McTominay.�

�If you don't mind to lose a couple of minutes with me, I'm going to do something, not for you but for the United fans, because I think I owe myself to the United fans to share two minutes with you. In the 2016/17 season, Marcus Rashford played 32 Premier League matches, 11 Europa League matches, including the final, three FA Cup matches, six League Cup matches including the final and the Community Shield. He had 53 appearances, but if you want to take minutes played, he played 3,068 minutes and, if you want to divide that into 90 minutes of matches, he played 34.2 matches of 90 minutes in 2016/17.�

Remember, Rashford is banned
�Speaking about Marcus, I think I can expect that on Sunday I'm going to be highly criticised for not playing him because some of the boys are really obsessed with me and, I think, have a problem with some compulsive lies. So I can expect on Sunday, some of them will wake up in the morning and always the first thing that comes to their mind is Jose Mourinho.

�So I can imagine I'm going to be criticised for not playing Marcus, but it's not my fault. He is suspended, so probably we should remind them that he's suspended and cannot play. Performances with England, of course I am happy. He played well, he competed well, he scored and especially in a period where he comes with some sadness after his suspension. It was very good that he did that.�

# ? Sep 14, 2018 18:04

ozmunkeh: Feb 28, 2008; hey guys what is happening in this thread

That is a primo meltdown.

# ? Sep 14, 2018 18:35

Diva Cupcake: Aug 15, 2005

lol I gave him the #10 what more do you want?

# ? Sep 14, 2018 18:43

Brony Car: May 22, 2014; by Cyrano4747

I wake up and think of Jose. :allears:

# ? Sep 14, 2018 20:41

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

Brony Car posted:

I wake up and think of Jose.

Thanks

# ? Sep 14, 2018 20:48

Literally Lewis Hamilton: Feb 22, 2005

Jose posted:

Thanks

Have you flown to SC yet

# ? Sep 14, 2018 20:49

Xabi: Jan 21, 2006; Inventor of the Marmite pasty

This is lovely stuff.

# ? Sep 14, 2018 21:20

NinpoEspiritoSanto: Oct 22, 2013

"Facts". It's Facts - The Reboot.

He's done.

# ? Sep 15, 2018 09:00

Brendan Rodgers: Jun 11, 2014

Won't they keep him until CL qualification is impossible which makes it easier to fire him or something?

Need him to stay there as long as possible and hopefully get some signings in in January.

# ? Sep 15, 2018 10:32

CyberPingu: Sep 15, 2013; If you're not striving to improve, you'll end up going backwards.

Brendan Rodgers posted:

Won't they keep him until CL qualification is impossible which makes it easier to fire him or something?

Need him to stay there as long as possible and hopefully get some signings in in January.

If they crash out of both domestic cups and the CL, and is not top 2 by Xmas he's probably done I'd say.

# ? Sep 15, 2018 10:34

Literally Lewis Hamilton: Feb 22, 2005

Bundy posted:

"Facts". It's Facts - The Reboot.

He's done.

Rafa�s fact meltdown was great. Fact

# ? Sep 15, 2018 12:16

Brony Car: May 22, 2014; by Cyrano4747

Rafa was right. It was all true.

# ? Sep 15, 2018 13:16

TheBigAristotle: Feb 8, 2007; I'm tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money.
I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.; Grimey Drawer

heh

https://twitter.com/RobDawsonESPN/status/1041039927692148736

# ? Sep 15, 2018 20:56

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# ? Apr 24, 2024 17:37

wooger: Apr 16, 2005; YOU RESENT?

TheBigAristotle posted:

heh

https://twitter.com/RobDawsonESPN/status/1041039927692148736

Could be worse, could be Aubamayang prior to deciding he wanted to emulate a bearskin hat:
https://imgur.com/gallery/Gpr0aIv

wooger fucked around with this message at 21:17 on Sep 15, 2018

# ? Sep 15, 2018 21:04

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium > The Ray Parlour > Premier League September Thread: As much effort as Fellani

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