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Danger - Octopus!
Apr 20, 2008


Nap Ghost

klapman posted:

Also trying to set me up with random waitresses for no reason. When I move out I'm just gonna pretend I have a girlfriend so that stops happening

Not my parent, but a friend's parents keep asking her when she'll settle down with a nice man.

She's been openly lesbian for 20 years :smith:

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Pick
Jul 19, 2009
Nap Ghost

SniperWoreConverse posted:

"what the hell are you saying? what are you actually telling me here? This makes no drat sense, how can this be spicy? Mom it's goat cheese how is this 'too spicy?????'"

spinderella
Jul 15, 2017

by FactsAreUseless
I don't know if my dad is dead or not.
He should be, he is pretty old.
But the last time I snooped around on line his one-man business was still going.

The baby sitter he married would maybe try to reach me to say he was dead, maybe, dunno.

A big sigh was had when he married her in the blazing sun outside in black leather, including a floppy leather hat.

One More Fat Nerd
Apr 13, 2007

Mama’s Lil’ Louie

Nap Ghost
Hmm well...

-Only gave me a bathrobe to wear to school.
-Overfeeding led to me being 400 lbs.
-Both of them are literally Charles Manson.
-Congenital defects led to me having the word "Homo" instead of a mouth.

Because of the last one my sighs are really nasal sounding.

Pick
Jul 19, 2009
Nap Ghost
- any time she comes over, cry about how much stuff I have and volunteer to take it to the trash. never 'garbage', just stuff like my blu-rays and art supplies. her mom did art so she is SO supportive i also do art, but it would be great if all my art supplies were in the trash.

Painful Dart Bomb
May 23, 2012

And he was talking 'fore I knew it, and as he grew he'd say "I'm gonna be like you, dad" "You know I'm gonna be like you".
My dad keps buying junk at the thrift store just to spite the other old people there.

Literally A Person
Jan 1, 1970

I'm sure it's been said but, saved absolutely no money and guaranteed that she will be working until the day she dies if she doesn't just come to me for total financial support.

Rock Paper Tongue
Oct 24, 2016

May cause birth defects

- My mother getting pregnant at 14 when she was completely unprepared in every way to care for a child

- My father getting arrested for robbing a liquor store and stealing a car when he was 15 and spending 6 years of my life in prison

- When my father trying to patch things up with me by inviting me to dinner when I was 17. He picked me up, told me he was making a quick stop somewhere first, then got poo poo-faced at a house party full of people I didn't know and who didn't I didn't share a language with. Three hours later, he's too drunk to function, so I have to drive him to his house and call a cab to take me back home.

- My mother believing in a bunch of stupid new-age medicine and getting defensive when I talk about how kombucha isn't some kind of miracle drink or some poo poo

Pick
Jul 19, 2009
Nap Ghost
- also, despite being so cheap that [entire thread about it], definitely want to throw things like entire taxidermy mounts, worth thousands of dollars apiece, into the trash

if you're wondering she is basically the opposite of a hoarder though, she loves to buy stuff but will get rid of it immediately, even if she loves it. she will usually resell her stuff but she doesn't know what mine is, but maybe the trash would like it?

Painful Dart Bomb
May 23, 2012

And he was talking 'fore I knew it, and as he grew he'd say "I'm gonna be like you, dad" "You know I'm gonna be like you".
Have 3 super annoying dogs that they refuse to train and are totally not using as surrogate children.

Literally A Person
Jan 1, 1970

A less depressing one:

Deciding, during a health food kick, that meatloaf needed no bread product of any kind in it. It was seriously a literal meat log.

Pick
Jul 19, 2009
Nap Ghost
"i just wish you'd gotten married back when you were still pretty" ha ha thanks, that's going to be a killer line in my arrested development fanfic

Nice Guy Patron
Jun 29, 2015
"Have you heard of Qanon?"

Literally A Person
Jan 1, 1970

Pick posted:

"i just wish you'd gotten married back when you were still pretty" ha ha thanks, that's going to be a killer line in my arrested development fanfic

Jesus that's an :lol:

Literally A Person
Jan 1, 1970

No wonder you come off as such a well adjusted lady.

Pick
Jul 19, 2009
Nap Ghost

hang out outside the dressing room and throw size 18 pants over the door for me to try on. when i reassert that this is not my size, she comes back with even larger ones and said "i knew you gained weight, how about these??" still a size 4 mom but thanks

Painful Dart Bomb
May 23, 2012

And he was talking 'fore I knew it, and as he grew he'd say "I'm gonna be like you, dad" "You know I'm gonna be like you".
Talk constantly about their grandkids while not really giving a gently caress about their actual kids. This is probably most grandparents tbh

Literally A Person
Jan 1, 1970

Pick posted:

hang out outside the dressing room and throw size 18 pants over the door for me to try on. when i reassert that this is not my size, she comes back with even larger ones and said "i knew you gained weight, how about these??" still a size 4 mom but thanks

I have this feeling mine and your parents are about the same age. There is something about folks that age where they just interpret reality an an especially skewed way.

I always figured it was the benzos.

Kullik
Jan 5, 2017

If i can add one about grandparents:

Blame tories for all bad things in UK right now (correct) thinks UKIP would fix it (incorrect)
Believes in the healing power of crystals and herbs
Chastises me for not visiting often enough but has never once visited me and we only live like a half hour bus ride apart.

Arrhythmia
Jul 22, 2011

Pick posted:

"i just wish you'd gotten married back when you were still pretty" ha ha thanks, that's going to be a killer line in my arrested development fanfic

Lmao

Ralph Hurley
Aug 3, 2009

:barf::sweep::zoid:



My dad being really mad about trump on Facebook and arguing with relatives and occasionally trolls. He reads the news on a tablet but he doesn’t know how to take a screenshot so he uses his phone to photograph the screen and posts all these degraded closeups of the president’s ugly scowling face along with rants that no one really responds to. Like I get it, trump sucks but I just hate seeing my dad fall into internet traps and just adding more trump to the non stop trumpity trump trump loving depressing illness my dead gay comedy country is suffering from. I would rather just see his cool nature photos which he has gotten pretty good at.

lizardman
Jun 30, 2007

by R. Guyovich
Sometime in the 90s my Dad was waiting for a TV show to come on, and the channel was scrambled because I guess another channel had the rights in our area to the show currently playing. My mom saw this and asked why the hell he was watching a scrambled channel. Dad tried explaining. Mom didn't like this, believing that leaving the TV on a scrambled channel might be bad for the TV. What followed was an increasingly tense exchange where Mom tried to convince him to change the channel and Dad would insist on leaving it on because he didn't want to possibly miss the beginning of his show.

Finally, my exasperated Mom told Dad he ought to call the cable company and complain because "It's TEARING this family APAAAARRT!!"

TIP
Mar 21, 2006

Your move, creep.



Pick posted:

"i just wish you'd gotten married back when you were still pretty" ha ha thanks, that's going to be a killer line in my arrested development fanfic

When I was 19 my mom told me that one of my sisters was getting married the next year and my other sister just got pregnant again, then she said accusatorily, "So what are you doing?" I said, "I'm in COLLEGE mom, I'm going to COLLEGE."

Then a few years later I almost got married, but we broke up a month before the wedding, so I had to call everyone in my family to tell them it was cancelled. My mom's immediate response was, "You should move back in with me, I know you don't have any friends." I hung up. :sigh:

Oh, another fun one, about a month before I was going to leave the state for college my mom told me that having me around was one of the only reasons she doesn't just kill herself. Yes, she knew that I was about to leave. :sigh::shrug:

Nuclearmonkee
Jun 10, 2009


Dad is a compulsive liar.
Was physically and emotionally abusive throughout most of childhood.
Had *4* failed marriages. You'd think after 2 or 3 you'd give up on the whole marriage thing?
Stole pretty much everything that he could, including money for his kid's college fund left by grandparents.
Last one failed because he pretty much created a fake image of who he was and it started falling apart when she would talk to his family and get conflicting information. So he changed the locks on her and started seeing what was going to be #5 probs, but #4 wisely lawyered up and took him to the cleaners. At some point #5 found out and wisely hosed off.
Quits high paying job, has midlife crisis, lives in a trailer.
Gets pair of huge loving dogs while living in trailer which are obvious surrogate children.
Is an idiot Trumper ofc.
Never shows up or gets involved with kids/grandkids but gets all pissy that his kids "don't respect him" or ever visit.

Mom left when I was 4 and is similarly hosed up.

I still marvel that I'm a functional adult.

lol but
Feb 24, 2007

body is a dinosaur
Slippery Tilde
picks mom is basically the character i do when i'm drinking highballs alone

Painful Dart Bomb
May 23, 2012

And he was talking 'fore I knew it, and as he grew he'd say "I'm gonna be like you, dad" "You know I'm gonna be like you".
My girlfriend's dad got really obsessed with rubik's cube when it came out in the 70's and it led to various fights, until finally her mom threw it away. I imagine it playing out like the leg lamp in A Christmas Story

Gay Weed Dad
Jul 12, 2016

cool dude, flyin' high
My mom ate two bottles of Tylenol PM a few weeks after I graduated highschool; quite the :sigh: perhaps even an smdh lol

BAGS FLY AT NOON
Apr 6, 2011

To this day, my mother still spells “sauce” “sause”. I’ve been correcting her for 25 years but she just tells me to gently caress off.

Cerebral Mayhem
Jul 18, 2000

Very useful on the planet Delphon, where they communicate with their eyebrows
:sigh: :sigh: :sigh:
The night before I left for college, my mother came into the room as I lay in bed, sat down on the bed, and proceeded to give me a "pep talk." This consisted of her listing off all the ways I was going to fail without her around. With all the warmth and tenderness of a king cobra poised to strike, she told me that I was lazy, didn't know how to do anything on my own, and she had no confidence in me. All the time studying my face for reaction.

I'd been in situations similar to this with her many times, but this time I was especially struck by her sheer malevolence. I knew that if I responded to her in any way, she would take it as me picking a fight with her and there would be some kind of retribution. If I offered a single word of defense she would shriek at me to stop yelling at her. So I stayed perfectly still and didn't say a single word while she rambled for ten minutes.



After what seemed an eternity of me pretending to be a statue, she got up and went to bed. No doubt she'd been hoping to provoke a fight with me, but I'd wised up to her game by now, and was not about to play when I knew there was no way to win.

Enjoy your time in the memory care facility while your mind continues to fall apart you narcissistic bitch.

Cerebral Mayhem fucked around with this message at 23:12 on Sep 11, 2018

klapman
Aug 27, 2012

this char is good
"God, I know, man. My dad insists on referring to each and every product by its full name. Like he won't say "let's have ravioli", he'll say "Let's have Chef Boyardee Ravioli", or he'll say "turn on the Toshiba TV". It's just baffling, I don't get it."

"My dad raped and murdered seventeen women in 1985, and forced me to chew their teeth."

- every thread relating to parents in this subforum ever

Pick
Jul 19, 2009
Nap Ghost
If we’re doing that, several times my dad held me out of a several-story window by the ankles when I was like seven because it apparently amused him to have me scream for my life. Years later Michael Jackson set his baby on a railing or something and everyone flipped out and then I realized that this might have been bad

Pick
Jul 19, 2009
Nap Ghost
It still doesn’t strike me as that bad but it’s all relative :shrug:

Nuclearmonkee
Jun 10, 2009


Pick posted:

It still doesn’t strike me as that bad but it’s all relative :shrug:

one slip away from killing a kid is pretty bad

Pick
Jul 19, 2009
Nap Ghost
One hand per ankle?

E: also I think he was trying to teach me not to be afraid of heights, tbh it’s way more frustrating to get ragged on for owning bread because it’s unpredictable and absurd

Pick fucked around with this message at 23:28 on Sep 11, 2018

cardiacarrest123
Apr 10, 2016
drank until he finally fell down the stairs like a rag doll and bashed his skull so good that he can’t walk.

*sigh*

Come on, dad

Sjs00
Jun 29, 2013

Yeah Baby Yeah !

Nuclearmonkee posted:

Dad is a compulsive liar.
Was physically and emotionally abusive throughout most of childhood.
Had *4* failed marriages. You'd think after 2 or 3 you'd give up on the whole marriage thing?
Stole pretty much everything that he could, including money for his kid's college fund left by grandparents.
Last one failed because he pretty much created a fake image of who he was and it started falling apart when she would talk to his family and get conflicting information. So he changed the locks on her and started seeing what was going to be #5 probs, but #4 wisely lawyered up and took him to the cleaners. At some point #5 found out and wisely hosed off.
Quits high paying job, has midlife crisis, lives in a trailer.
Gets pair of huge loving dogs while living in trailer which are obvious surrogate children.
Is an idiot Trumper ofc.
Never shows up or gets involved with kids/grandkids but gets all pissy that his kids "don't respect him" or ever visit.

Mom left when I was 4 and is similarly hosed up.

I still marvel that I'm a functional adult.

Holy poo poo I got mentally disordered just reqding that

Sjs00
Jun 29, 2013

Yeah Baby Yeah !
In fact I am going to go ahead and never read anything ever again

Literally A Person
Jan 1, 1970

Sjs00 posted:

In fact I am going to go ahead and never read anything ever again

Just listen to the sweet soothing voices in your head telling you to kill kill kill.

Brolander
Oct 20, 2008

i am but a vessel
(owner of a lonely heart comes on the radio)

"colored people like this band because of the basslines"

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Sjs00
Jun 29, 2013

Yeah Baby Yeah !

Literally A Person posted:

Just listen to the sweet soothing voices in your head telling you to kill kill kill.

WHO LIKES TO KISS HIS OWN BUTT

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