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Arrhythmia posted:Wtf your coffee table is gonna get gross dude! !! TFW when you realize why the dates haven’t been working out 
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Sep 18, 2018 18:22
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*anally vacuums back up the farts that have been leaking out into my briefs all night*
Apathy420 fucked around with this message at 23:21 on Sep 18, 2018 |
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Sep 18, 2018 23:07
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Best Bi Geek Squid posted:mods???? yeah that's hosed up
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Sep 19, 2018 14:00
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Seeing how the date was with a dude on his self-made submarine, me coming home is a pretty good outcome.
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Sep 20, 2018 16:50
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*mentally prepares self for the next week of "should I text them?"*
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Sep 20, 2018 16:54
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It was a court date. The judge was not impressed.
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Sep 20, 2018 16:55
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Verisimilidude posted:*mentally prepares self for the next week of "should I text them?"* you waited too long and theyre interested in somebody else now they were probably never interested in you anyway
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Sep 20, 2018 16:56
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https://twitter.com/fckjobs/status/1042625555454148608?s=19
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Sep 20, 2018 17:34
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Man, my rear end in a top hat is so sore.
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Sep 20, 2018 18:31
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Oh well, guess she didn't like me. I wonder what it is *masturbates for 30 minutes to abuse porn*
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Sep 20, 2018 18:49
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Tries to maintain a good lookout over how the date went then notices the tears flowing down cheek and the overwhelming feeling of loneliness growing inside.
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Sep 20, 2018 19:02
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*steps inside home* "I just want to reiterate how much of a fun date that was, and I sure hope—" *she cuts me off by kissing me, we sleep together and begin a lifelong relationship full of happiness and warmth*
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Sep 20, 2018 19:05
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*turns into a ghost*
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Sep 20, 2018 19:10
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"God drat french quisine, didn't even get me laid!" *gorges on cold bratwurst*
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Sep 20, 2018 19:49
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Icochet posted:"God drat french quisine, didn't even get me laid!" I guess oral sex isnt "getting laid" these days.
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Sep 20, 2018 19:52
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Big Beef City posted:Texts: "Srry for exclusively targeting u in bumper cars @ fair tonight. after u fell out I should have stopped. Nxt Fri?" Relatable
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Sep 20, 2018 19:57
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SciFiDownBeat posted:*steps inside home* *she is a dragon 🐉 *
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Sep 20, 2018 19:58
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*hangs up date pants on coat rack* “I didn’t fart all night, these pants didn’t get ruffled, I will wear them on another date with a girl who I feel comfortable farting around while she gives me free unlimited lap dances and feeds me steak, then I will wash these pants” 
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Sep 20, 2018 20:04
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Makes husband c u c k
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Sep 20, 2018 20:06
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Rushes to toilet to take dump you've been holding in
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Sep 20, 2018 21:36
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Moon Atari posted:Flies around the room like a deflating balloon, powered by a night's worth of suppressed farts. accurate and relatable this is also just me every day i get home from errands and/or work
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Sep 20, 2018 22:10
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*undoes belt that extra tab and lets belly poke out*
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Sep 20, 2018 23:53
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Icochet posted:*gorges on cold bratwurst* hits too close to home
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Sep 21, 2018 05:09
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Shower the shame off of me
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Sep 21, 2018 06:04
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Calls my best friend to analyze every single detail of how it went.
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Sep 21, 2018 07:12
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The Management posted:
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Sep 21, 2018 07:22
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The Management posted:Calls my best friend to analyze every single detail of how it went. Haha yes... Friend. *Hides empty contact list in shame*
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Sep 21, 2018 07:24
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Is glad date went well but is worried how to explain no social life.
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Sep 21, 2018 22:44
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There’s a time early in every relationship when I have to try and think of a way to describe SA so she knows what I’m laughing at whenever I’m on my phone/computer. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten it right.
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Sep 22, 2018 00:30
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a peck of pickled peckers posted:There’s a time early in every relationship when I have to try and think of a way to describe SA so she knows what I’m laughing at whenever I’m on my phone/computer. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten it right. Tell her it's that crazy gay sex comedy site where all your best boys post
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Sep 22, 2018 01:37
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a peck of pickled peckers posted:There’s a time early in every relationship when I have to try and think of a way to describe SA so she knows what I’m laughing at whenever I’m on my phone/computer. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten it right. Just say it’s that site for autists, but mumble it so she thinks you said artists - you haven’t lied and she will think highly of you for hanging with cool artists
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Sep 22, 2018 02:09
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JebanyPedal posted:Tell her it's that crazy gay sex comedy site where all your best boys post Okay but if she asks for proof I’m gonna need some of you goons to take some “pretend” pictures of you doing crazy gay sex comedy things and send them to me. Comfy Fleece Sweater posted:Just say it’s that site for autists, but mumble it so she thinks you said artists - you haven’t lied and she will think highly of you for hanging with cool artists Even if she hears autists she might accept it, since even at this stage in the relationship my autism has begun to manifest itself.
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Sep 22, 2018 02:52
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a peck of pickled peckers posted:Okay but if she asks for proof I’m gonna need some of you goons to take some “pretend” pictures of you doing crazy gay sex comedy things and send them to me. I think swap.avi counts, just send her that.
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Sep 22, 2018 03:25
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Worst case scenario I can ask my ex if I can borrow her giant garden gnome dildo.
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Sep 22, 2018 03:28
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*Wakes up* *Sighs heavily*
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Sep 22, 2018 07:36
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<Walks in the house after date> <Gunshot goes off. I fall, wounded.> "Who were you out with, BITCH," my wife shouts. Quickly bleeding out, I whisper, "It... it wasn't even that great..." <dies>
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Sep 22, 2018 08:49
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*walk up to my dog* Hey is there a hole in my butt? *farts in the dogs face*
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Sep 22, 2018 09:02
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Date was kinda odd and confusing. However mustered up the courage to kiss her after walking her home, kiss was appreciated and returned. Was told she is glad to have met me, went home feeling good about myself
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Sep 22, 2018 09:08
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Wife looks extremely angry. Does she know? How?? Oh poo poo. Oh poo poo! *slams hand on forehead. A leathery slap from the gimp mask echoes in the hall*
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Sep 22, 2018 09:09
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| # ? Apr 27, 2024 03:44 |
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Big Beef City posted:Texts: "Srry for exclusively targeting u in bumper cars @ fair tonight. after u fell out I should have stopped. Nxt Fri?" Mr Burns and the crippled Irishman?
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Sep 22, 2018 10:50
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