Presenting Sketch Zephyr, future HOF quarterback

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium > The Football Funhouse > Presenting Sketch Zephyr, future HOF quarterback

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A.o.D.: Jan 15, 2006; The Suffering of the Succotash.

In 2006, Sean Payton and the New Orleans Saints took a chance on a quarterback whom many had believed suffered a career ending shoulder injury. That man was Drew Brees, who, since becoming the quarterback of the Saints has gone on to become the most prolific and accurate passer in the history of the league. However, I'm not here to talk to you about Brees. His story is well known, and his credentials to the Hall of Fame are easily verified. I want to talk about a different player.

Sketch Zephyr entered the league in 2006, and is the very definition of a journeyman quarterback. Every week he is traded to a different team, and as a result, has played for every single team EXCEPT for the New Orleans Saints. A native of New Orleans, Zephyr dreamed of playing football in his home state, but his dreams began to turn into bitter resentment when not a single University in the state offered him a scholarship. Fortunately for Sketch, his story didn't end there, as he was offered by an out of state JuCo and was eventually able to make an impact on a number of NFL scouts. When the 2006 Combine came around, Mickey Loomis made some very inappropriate remarks about Sketch's family and ever since he's vowed to never play for any team inside of the Louisiana state line.

Starting today, I will chronicle the career of this mysterious, yet undeniably all time great quarterback, and illustrate just how badly the Saints missed by leaving this prodigal talent undrafted.

In 2006, Drew Brees would be named the NFL's comeback player of the year, as he rebounded from a grave shoulder injury to put up some of the best stats in the league.

code:

COMP%     YPA     TD/G     INT/G     Passer RTG     Total YDS
64.3      7.98    1.625    0.688        96.2          4418

Meanwhile, Sketch Zephyr entered the league as an undrafted Rookie. Somehow, he was able to avoid getting locked into the standard rookie contract, and bounced from team to team, each week (except for the Saints' bye week) landing on a different team and playing as the starting quarterback against the Saints. His ability to pick up a team's playbook and calls every week was nothing short of miraculous, but no matter how well he played, nor how well he learned that team's system, he refused to stay on as that squad's QB. His insatiable thirst for vengeance upon the New Orleans Saints simply would not be denied. With that said, his first year was rather pedestrian. He had a number of good games, but no one could guess at his future greatness.

code:

COMP%     YPA     TD/G  Total TD    INT/G  Total INT   Passer RTG     Total YDS
55        6.7     1.44     26        0.5       9         83.87          2854

Frankly, those numbers are merely mediocre, and if Sketch Zephyr kept that up, he probably wouldn't have had much of a future in the league.

A.o.D. fucked around with this message at 15:35 on Sep 29, 2018

# ? Sep 28, 2018 00:43

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# ? Apr 26, 2024 05:44

Barudak: May 7, 2007

Im excited for Sketch Zephyrs journey.

# ? Sep 28, 2018 01:27

A.o.D.: Jan 15, 2006; The Suffering of the Succotash.

2007 brought with it a great deal of hope for the fans of the New Orleans Saints. The previous season, they had a near-miraculous 10-6 season that put them on top of the NFC South, and was good enough for the 2nd seed in the playoffs, earning the team its first ever first round bye. They had beaten the Eagles for a second time that season, earning their second ever playoff victory, and first ever trip to the NFC championships.

They got spanked pretty hard by the Super Bowl bound Chicago Bears, however. All in all, it was a down year for the the NFC, as 10-6 is rarely good enough to earn a bye in the playoffs. The Indianapolis Colts would emphasize this lack of parity by thoroughly trouncing the Sexy Rexy led bears.

So the 2007 season began. Nearly everyone predicted that the Saints would have another successful year, building upon the success from last year. They had a lot of things going for them, a revitalized Quarterback picked up at a bargain, a first time head coach who was doing some innovative things on offense, a flashy Heisman winning running back paired with a bruising between the tackles veteran, and a defense that seemed at the very least competent. The Saints made what they thought was a key acquisition in the offseason, bringing in Jason David from the superbowl winning Colts. Everyone thought things were looking up.

Here's what Drew Brees did that year:

code:

COMP%     YPA     TD/G     INT/G     Passer RTG     Total YDS
67.5      6.78    1.75     1.125        89.4          4423

The Saints lost their first four games, and finished the season at 7-9. A significant let down, but not bad enough to be a disaster. Drew Brees, meanwhile did a competent job, but he wasn't yet ready to carry the team by himself. With Deuce McAllister's second ACL injury (which would ultimately end his career), Reggie Bush's brand of razzle dazzle just wasn't enough to make opposing defenses respect the run game. Brees ended up having to throw a whole lot more, and his passing attack had to be adjusted to make up for the run game's inability to generate short yardage. Drew's interception rate went way up, but at the same time, he was starting to demonstrate that he could make the difficult timing throws that required pinpoint precision. The Saints lost games, sure, but it wasn't because of the man they had under center.

Meanwhile, Sketch Zephyr saw significant improvement from his rookie campaign, and had passer ratings over 100 in fully 8 of his games that season and threw for 30 touchdowns. If Tom Brady hadn't gone insane with his 50 touchdowns that year, Sketch might have been in the conversation for MVP. Clearly, things were looking up for Sketch.

code:

COMP%     YPA     TD/G  Total TD    INT/G  Total INT   Passer RTG     Total YDS
62.2       8.2     1.9     30        0.75     12          99.4          3924

A.o.D. fucked around with this message at 15:28 on Sep 29, 2018

# ? Sep 28, 2018 12:18

Acebuckeye13: Nov 2, 2010; If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling
1-800-GAMBLER; Ultra Carp

This is going fun and exciting places.

# ? Sep 28, 2018 16:17

Barudak: May 7, 2007

Not to make more work but well eventually come to the Sketch Zephyr is a god era and it might be worth it to highlight his best/worst performances in a season.

Also he is a week 1 monster.

# ? Sep 28, 2018 16:25

Vengarr: Jun 17, 2010; Smashed before noon

This is easily my most anticipated A Football Life episode.

# ? Sep 28, 2018 19:07

Cavauro: Jan 9, 2008

What in hell are you talking about?

# ? Sep 28, 2018 20:49

Impossibly Perfect Sphere: Nov 6, 2002; They wasted Luanne on Lucky!

She could of have been so much more but the writers just didn't care!

nobody tell him

# ? Sep 28, 2018 21:27

Cavauro: Jan 9, 2008

Nothing get past Jiminy Christmas! Shoes! and he's owning me big time right now

# ? Sep 28, 2018 21:34

Patrick Spens: Jul 21, 2006; "Every quarterback says they've got guts, But how many have actually seen 'em?"; Pillbug

This is a cool idea, and I'm glad you are doing it.

# ? Sep 28, 2018 21:58

Finger Prince: Jan 5, 2007

I like that little bio clip of Zephyr when they announce the offense on TV, and each player turns to face the camera, only with Sketch it looks like he's making to turn but the camera just keeps panning around his head so you only ever see the back of it like some horror nightmare.

# ? Sep 28, 2018 22:23

A.o.D.: Jan 15, 2006; The Suffering of the Succotash.

By year three, the honeymoon is over. By this point a player or coach is expected to have Figured Things Out, and we're supposed to have a clear idea of what their future holds. This wouldn't be the case for either the Drew Brees led Saints or for our guy Sketch Zephyr. Both had disappointing seasons, and in the Saints' case, a downright unlucky one. The Saints would outscore their opponents 463-393, but only end the season at 8-8 in the Standings. The defense would continue to stagnate, with 2007 acquisition Jason David's efforts in the secondary being graded worse than an uncovered receiver being thrown to, thanks to David's penchant for racking up Defensive Holding and Defensive Pass Interference penalties. However, it wasn't the Saints secondary that was losing games, but rather, the team's inability to run the ball and stop the run. Deuce McAllister was Done, and by now it was clear that no one had to respect Reggie Bush between the tackles.

For his part, Drew Brees saw his number get called a LOT more, and his ball security improved, even in spite of his much higher usage rate. Except for his completion percentage, all of his stats improved, and he nearly broke Dan Marino's long standing record of most passing yards in a single season. How close did he get? Well, if he'd made one more completion as time expired in the last game of the season against the Carolina Panthers, the record would have been his. The Panthers even obliged by going back into deep prevent coverage, meaning that the record should have been Brees' for the taking. Alas, it wasn't meant to be, at least, not that year. In fact, Brees had a strong argument for being the best quarterback in the league, but Peyton Manning was the bigger name, had the bigger endorsements, and his team went to the playoffs, so that's how these things go.

code:

COMP%     YPA     TD/G     INT/G     Passer RTG     Total YDS
65        7.98    2.43      1.06        96.2          5069

In 2008, Sketch Zephyr regressed, and regressed hard. His best performances came when he took snaps for the Atlanta Falcons when he substituted for a strangely absent rookie Matt Ryan. His performance was strangely flawless but not phenomenal. A bit bland but not objectionable, if you will. Completely unremarkable in its excellence. White bread.

He had a few other good games, but Sketch turned in some massive stinkers. For some reason, when he played for the Oakland Raiders, he put on an extra 50 pounds and didn't bother to learn the playbook. He managed to drop the weight by the next game, but the stink from that game seemed to follow him for a while, and manifested again when he played for the Lions. Nothing he tried to do seemed to go well in that game, even though he was throwing the football to a 50 foot tall Decepticon.

code:

COMP%     YPA     TD/G  Total TD    INT/G  Total INT   Passer RTG     Total YDS
56.2       7      1.25     20        0.94     15          77.1          3547

2008 was Sketch's worst season yet, and there were rumors around the league that his vendetta against the Saints was getting in the way of his play. Fortunately for Sketch, he was still locked into his rookie contract, and he was cheap enough and productive enough that teams were still willing to let him substitute in.

A.o.D. fucked around with this message at 15:23 on Sep 29, 2018

# ? Sep 29, 2018 12:50

Crescent Wrench: Sep 30, 2005; The truth is usually just an excuse for a lack of imagination.; Grimey Drawer

Finger Prince posted:

I like that little bio clip of Zephyr when they announce the offense on TV, and each player turns to face the camera, only with Sketch it looks like he's making to turn but the camera just keeps panning around his head so you only ever see the back of it like some horror nightmare.

I love this. I also love this thread. Can we get the touchdown/INT totals for the seasons too?

# ? Sep 29, 2018 15:01

A.o.D.: Jan 15, 2006; The Suffering of the Succotash.

Crescent Wrench posted:

I love this. I also love this thread. Can we get the touchdown/INT totals for the seasons too?

Yeah, I'll do that, plus I just realized I was using a bad formula to determine the rate stats for Sketch, so I'm going to go back and revise those numbers.

Like I said, I'm not the best guy to be doing this, but whatever.

A.o.D. fucked around with this message at 15:23 on Sep 29, 2018

# ? Sep 29, 2018 15:20

Finger Prince: Jan 5, 2007

In a disembodied voice full Eldrich horror:
"Sketch Zephyr; THE Upside-Down"

# ? Sep 29, 2018 15:24

Crescent Wrench: Sep 30, 2005; The truth is usually just an excuse for a lack of imagination.; Grimey Drawer

A.o.D. posted:

Yeah, I'll do that, plus I just realized I was using a bad formula to determine the rate stats for Sketch, so I'm going to go back and revise those numbers.

Like I said, I'm not the best guy to be doing this, but whatever.

On the contrary, both this thread and its OP are cool and good.

# ? Sep 29, 2018 16:52

pasaluki: Feb 27, 2008; THIS WHAGON HAS NO BREAKS! I HAVE THE HEART OF THE BUUFALO the strength OF THE MOUNTAIN, THE FURY OF THE THUNDER AND MY WILL IS UNBREAKABLE! I will not surrender to KNOW ONE

Finger Prince posted:

I like that little bio clip of Zephyr when they announce the offense on TV, and each player turns to face the camera, only with Sketch it looks like he's making to turn but the camera just keeps panning around his head so you only ever see the back of it like some horror nightmare.

Inspired by this I want to work on the Nightmare Football League: a twisted horrifying indescribable doppleganger version of the NFL.

Only two artifacts of this horror have been found so far:
-A trading card made out of a substance that resembles cardboard but is different material than any official trading card made at that time.
The card says: Rookie Spotlight in big red letters and underneath: Sketch Zephyr 2006. The card depicts a humanoid figure crouching strangely on a grass field, on the ground is a faded helmet with strange disturbing symbols engraved into it, and much of the rest of the card is torn. No identifying marks can be made of the jersey or outfit the man is wearing. Most of the face is torn off except the left cheek identifies him as a caucasian with a very prominent birthmark.

-A strange graphic shown on a televised National Football League game featuring the Jacksonville Jaguars and Coach Jack Del Rio displayed as:
NFL GENERIC AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGG
Some viewers of this graphic at the time reported a sense of dread and unease, others reported hearing strange radio-like transmissions.

These artifacts appear to be part of a world some experts have dubbed the Nightmare Football League.

# ? Sep 29, 2018 18:54

Acebuckeye13: Nov 2, 2010; If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling
1-800-GAMBLER; Ultra Carp

There are rumors�unsubstantiated, of course�that Gregg Williams began handing out bounties in a desperate attempt to get rid of Sketch once and for all.

He failed.

# ? Sep 29, 2018 19:28

Cavauro: Jan 9, 2008

every one in the nightmare league has their Pecker hanging out all the time and can't put it back in. it just flops out again. It is a penalty costing 15 yards and the down if a player is tackled by their peckis. it's also similar to the matrix and blade 2.

# ? Sep 29, 2018 21:05

A.o.D.: Jan 15, 2006; The Suffering of the Succotash.

2009.

Man, that was a bad year for our man Sketch. He threw, like, SO many interceptions. How many? 26. In just 16 games. Most quarterbacks would have gotten benched halfway through the season with that kind of performance.

2009, of course, was the best year the Saints ever had. They won 13 games straight, and went on to win the Superbowl. The team hired a new defensive coordinator, Gregg Williams and the Saints got fat off of their defensive production, setting a record of interceptions returned for a touchdown*. The offense did its part, too. Pierre Thomas came into his own as the feature running back, and though he was far from the best runner between the tackles, he had magic hands (for a back) and was a wizard when Sean Payton dialed up a screen play.

Drew Brees did well, too. Very well, in fact. He set the league record for passing accuracy for the first time. He logged better passing stats than Peyton Manning, the league MVP, for the second time. He'd be named Superbowl MVP after logging an essentially flawless performance in the February 2010 game. (Note, post season stats aren't tracked here, just regular season)

code:

COMP%     YPA     TD/G  Total TD    INT/G  Total INT   Passer RTG     Total YDS
70.6      8.5     2.13     34        0.68     11         109.6          4388

Sketch could only look on with bitter resentment. As his body absorbed dirty hit after dirty hit (more on that, later) the Saints racked up win after win. Even his best performances seemed completely unable to stem the tide of black and gold wins. The only place where he didn't regress was in his raw yardage stat and completion percentage. As I mentioned earlier, he threw 26 picks in the 2009 campaign, and while that is a lot, that's not enough to even put him in the top 10 of picks thrown all time. Man, passing in football SUCKED before the merger. You have no idea. Go look up some old-rear end passing stats. I'll wait.

code:

COMP%    YPG     YPA     TD/G  Total TD    INT/G  Total INT   Passer RTG     Total YDS
57.2    256.3    6.8     0.81     13        1.63     26         67.8666         3547

Rest assured that this is the nadir of Sketch Zephyr's career. Things would only go up from here.

# ? Oct 1, 2018 11:53

Cavauro: Jan 9, 2008

Illustrato Gusto would have been benched and cut after such a season. This story is false.

# ? Oct 1, 2018 16:39

indigi: Jul 20, 2004; ^{how can we not talk about family

when family's all that we got?}

Cavauro posted:

Illustrato Gusto would have been benched and cut after such a season. This story is false.

he gets cut after every week

# ? Oct 1, 2018 20:33

A.o.D.: Jan 15, 2006; The Suffering of the Succotash.

2010 saw a regression for the New Orleans Saints. Not to being bad, but to being merely very good. Their defense's ability to generate turnovers at a freakish rate tapered off drastically, and their flaws began to manifest again. They couldn't stop the turn. They were overaggressive on playcalling. They weren't as good as their hype even though they were still playing dirty. The offense was still incredibly good, although without the defense feeding them extra possessions and short fields, their TD efficiency came back down to earth. The NFC South was tough that year, and going 11-5 was only good enough for a wild card slot. Their flaws on defense would lead to them getting bounced out of the playoffs by a 7-9 Seahawks squad, and probably put the most prominent entry on Marshawn Lynch's hall of fame resume.

All of Drew Brees' rate stats regressed this season, even though his total yards and completions went up. It was a pro bowl year for him, but no better than that. His interception total doubled from last season garnering comparisons to Brett Favre, who retired after this season.

code:

COMP%     YPA     TD/G  Total TD    INT/G  Total INT   Passer RTG     Total YDS
68.1      7.02    2.07     33       1.375      22         90.9          4620

Sketch Zephyr, on the other hand, made a significant rebound from last year. He wouldn't be getting any pro bowl nods this year, but he certainly quieted any notions that 2009 had ended his career. Curiously, his touchdowns and yardage didn't go anywhere from last year, but he learned to protect the ball, and opt for safer throws. He'd morphed into a game manager this year, but when it mattered most, that is exactly what he needed to be.

code:

COMP%    YPG     YPA     TD/G  Total TD    INT/G  Total INT   Passer RTG     Total YDS
61.6    250.5    6.93    0.81     13       0.562     9          81.9            3257

edit: Here's a preview of the next update:

A.o.D. fucked around with this message at 12:56 on Oct 2, 2018

# ? Oct 2, 2018 12:49

A.o.D.: Jan 15, 2006; The Suffering of the Succotash.

If you've been following this thread, you've been thinking to yourself "What the hell is this guy talking about? Except for one exceptional year, all I've seen is a hell of a lot of mediocrity and one of the worst seasons in recent history." Well hold on to your asses, rear end-holders, because Sketch Zephyr is going to take off... next season.

Still, 2011 seemed like it should have been a good year for the New Orleans Saints. 2009 and 2010 were very productive seasons, and the team was looking to pick back up where it left off in spite of an early exit in the playoffs last year. THey started at 5-3, a respectable rate, but then proceeded to finish the rest of the season 8-0, and looked nearly unstoppable heading into the playoffs. The offense, if anything looked to be even better than it had been before, and the defense was hoping to return to its winning ways after a somewhat disappointing 2011. A defense schemed up by this guy:

Gregg loving Williams. Behind the scenes, good ol' Gregg had been running a paid head-hunting program that the league front office had gotten wind of and ordered to shut down. At first the team had been warned to stop that poo poo, but our buddy Gregg said

"gently caress it, I just won a Superbowl, I can do whatever the gently caress I want"
\

and proceeded to keep on doing whatever the gently caress it was he though he was doing. He also made adjustments to the Saints' defense. No longer did he need to scheme up coverages, or disguise packages, naw, that poo poo is for pussies. Gregg Williams declared

and proceeded to send everybody rushing directly at the quarterback at historical rates. While this did rattle lesser quarterbacks and rookies still getting used to the pace of the NFL, this also left the secondary out on an island in coverage waiting to get exposed, and also opened up huge chunks of the backfield for any running back that could make it past the line of scrimmage.

Man, gently caress Greggggggg Williams.

Drew Brees had a great year. It was probably the best year of his career, statistically speaking, and should have been good for an MVP nod. Instead, Aaron Rodgers decided to throw no interceptions and make every other pass a touchdown, so he rightfully got it instead. Drew would have to settle for another All-pro spot, breaking his own pass completion percentage record, and finally breaking Dan Marino's single season passing record.

code:

COMP%     YPA     TD/G  Total TD    INT/G  Total INT   Passer RTG     Total YDS
71.2      8.341    2.88    46       0.88      14         110.6          5476

Meanwhile, Sketch Zephyr was starting his comeback tour in earnest across the league. He still had problems with his accuracy, but when he connected with his receivers it was for huge chunks of yardage. He threw long bombs down the field, and racked up more yardage than at any point previous in his career. Some of his games, particularly for Saint Louis were really bad, but his good games were very, very good indeed. This would mark a trend for Sketch as his good games became more frequent, and his shitfests became fewer.

code:

COMP%    YPG     YPA     TD/G  Total TD    INT/G  Total INT   Passer RTG     Total YDS
55.7     328     6.92     1.5     24        0.56      9          83.8           4273

Next week: Paper Towel Door

# ? Oct 4, 2018 00:23

A.o.D.: Jan 15, 2006; The Suffering of the Succotash.

Is, uh, anyone reading this?

# ? Oct 4, 2018 16:16

Barudak: May 7, 2007

Its a low badwith forum abd yes

# ? Oct 4, 2018 16:22

A.o.D.: Jan 15, 2006; The Suffering of the Succotash.

Barudak posted:

Its a low badwith forum abd yes

Excuse me sir, but there is plenty of bad and it has a lot of width.

# ? Oct 4, 2018 16:25

Patrick Spens: Jul 21, 2006; "Every quarterback says they've got guts, But how many have actually seen 'em?"; Pillbug

A.o.D. posted:

Is, uh, anyone reading this?

Yep.

# ? Oct 4, 2018 16:28

mastershakeman: Oct 28, 2008; by vyelkin

A.o.D. posted:

Is, uh, anyone reading this?

Yep I keep expecting zephyr to put up 100 rating seasons

# ? Oct 4, 2018 16:32

Fenrir: Apr 26, 2005; I found my kendo stick, bitch!; Lipstick Apathy

mastershakeman posted:

Yep I keep expecting zephyr to put up 100 rating seasons

Or throw like 42 touchdowns

# ? Oct 4, 2018 16:40

latinotwink1997: Jan 2, 2008; Taste my Ball of Hope, foul dragon!

If Sketch doesn�t get his revenge by heaving a football so hard it has the kinetic energy of a 10Mt nuke into the heart of New Orleans, I�m going to be real upset.

# ? Oct 4, 2018 17:20

Finger Prince: Jan 5, 2007

A.o.D. posted:

Is, uh, anyone reading this?

Yes, with gusto.

# ? Oct 4, 2018 17:29

Crescent Wrench: Sep 30, 2005; The truth is usually just an excuse for a lack of imagination.; Grimey Drawer

A.o.D. posted:

Is, uh, anyone reading this?

Is Drew Brees a Gitmo apologist?

# ? Oct 4, 2018 17:36

Athanatos: Jun 7, 2006; Est. 1967

Finger Prince posted:

Yes, with gusto.

# ? Oct 4, 2018 18:28

ulmont: Sep 15, 2010; IF I EVER MISS VOTING IN AN ELECTION (EVEN AMERICAN IDOL) ,OR HAVE UNPAID PARKING TICKETS, PLEASE TAKE AWAY MY FRANCHISE

A.o.D. posted:

Is, uh, anyone reading this?

Yeah - we're almost to the stretch I've been waiting for.

# ? Oct 4, 2018 18:32

Acebuckeye13: Nov 2, 2010; If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling
1-800-GAMBLER; Ultra Carp

Finger Prince posted:

Yes, with gusto.

# ? Oct 4, 2018 18:40

Nystral: Feb 6, 2002; Every man likes a pretty girl with him at a skeleton dance.

I�m frantically searching for my Sketch Zephyr football rookie card, I think my dog ate it though

# ? Oct 4, 2018 20:14

Randaconda: Jul 3, 2014; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Nystral posted:

I�m frantically searching for my Sketch Zephyr football rookie card, I think my dog ate it though

lol if you don't have your Sketch Zephyr rookie card in a climate controlled room with Enrique protecting it with his life

# ? Oct 4, 2018 20:25

Sent from my iPad: Jun 19, 2000

Finger Prince posted:

Yes, with gusto.

# ? Oct 4, 2018 21:35

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 26, 2024 05:44

fartknocker: Oct 28, 2012; Damn it, this always happens. I think I'm gonna score, and then I never score. It's not fair.; Wedge Regret

Finger Prince posted:

Yes, with gusto.

# ? Oct 4, 2018 21:47

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium > The Football Funhouse > Presenting Sketch Zephyr, future HOF quarterback

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