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lol but seriously I
Feb 24, 2007

strange cock


Slippery Tilde

babies are extremely good however i have noticed that babies are extremely vulnerable to predation and disease. suggest one improvement to babies but you must also add a weakness so as to not "mary sue" them and rend adorable babies into hateful overachievers.

strength: chimpanzee like muscle power
weakness: complete lack of grip reflex, DO NOT DROP your strong baby

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The Bananana
May 21, 2008

This is a metaphor, a Christian allegory. The fact that I have to explain to you that Jesus is the Warthog, and the Banana is drepanocytosis is just embarrassing for you.




Armor plating
Retardation

Jose Mengelez
Sep 11, 2001


big dick
weak wrists

EorayMel
May 29, 2015

You got the fluffy kitty kitty!

Strength: Reduced pain/chance of mother dying from her pelvis being split down the middle.
Weakness: Less grimdark backstory for baby, empowering it to hit harder against any and all opposition

Jose Mengelez
Sep 11, 2001


big dick
bad at math

SniperWoreConverse
Mar 20, 2010

Shamanistic Tendencies


Telekinesis
But they mostly want to mind grab boobs

Blade Runner
Aug 14, 2015



SniperWoreConverse posted:

Telekinesis
But they mostly want to mind grab boobs

hell, same

Tolkien minority
Feb 14, 2012




I could easily destroy a baby in one on one combat. It wouldn’t even be close. Just one punch is all it would take.

Chinatown
Sep 11, 2001

*Suck My Balls*

Grimey Drawer

im a big dumb gay retarded babby

BloodRed
Apr 21, 2004

I identify as a simian who pronounces the 'silent' letters in words.

Fallen Rib

Babys are weak but they can take a punch so u really gotta UFC them to win otherwise they just keep getting up like wolverine or something

RobattoJesus
Aug 13, 2002



Adult bodies
Paying bills

Devils Affricate
Jan 22, 2010


Why would you want babies to be stronger, it's not like one of them has ever made a good decision

I would make it so that babies are just born into a later stage in life so they can already move around and eat on their own from day 1 like how it is with most other mammals. Kids can be fun and cute but babies are 100% worthless

As a trade off their new weakness will be that they only have 2 fingers on each hand, the rest grow in at puberty

Devils Affricate fucked around with this message at Oct 10, 2018 around 22:59

ClamdestineBoyster
Aug 15, 2015



Just birth out an adult, but like a small adult that gets bigger. Let the roly polys dream and let the monkies climb to get that fruit. Then like the monkies can sort of walk on their hands when their chin is fused to their sternum and their body moves with their head and they’re always looking at their womb except when they eat mushrooms off the ground when the look up and back.

Aesop Poprock
Oct 21, 2008


Grimey Drawer

Tolkien minority posted:

I could easily destroy a baby in one on one combat. It wouldn’t even be close. Just one punch is all it would take.

Babies are basically made out of jello until their bones fused so you'll just tire yourself out trying to defeat one with strikes

Schweinhund
Oct 23, 2004



They can use the toilet on their own. But they're in the bathroom for hours, what are they doing in there?

EorayMel
May 29, 2015

You got the fluffy kitty kitty!

Devils Affricate posted:

Why would you want babies to be stronger, it's not like one of them has ever made a good decision

I would make it so that babies are just born into a later stage in life so they can already move around and eat on their own from day 1 like how it is with most other mammals. Kids can be fun and cute but babies are 100% worthless

As a trade off their new weakness will be that they only have 2 fingers on each hand, the rest grown in at puberty

Babies kicking in the womb is them secretly practicing their ancestor's karate techniques that allowed their bloodlines to be extended this far in time, giving them an edge over others.

Also we are like the only animal where birth is more often than not outright disastrous and agonizing, you'd think nature would build in some painkillers for us

i like that
May 22, 2016

This is better than my previous avatar.


ClamdestineBoyster posted:

Just birth out an adult, but like a small adult that gets bigger. Let the roly polys dream and let the monkies climb to get that fruit. Then like the monkies can sort of walk on their hands when their chin is fused to their sternum and their body moves with their head and they’re always looking at their womb except when they eat mushrooms off the ground when the look up and back.

What drugs do you post on or is it an ABSENCE of drugs that you post this way?

SniperWoreConverse
Mar 20, 2010

Shamanistic Tendencies


have to come out basically like a fetus until they're grown enough to walk, because the human head is so loving huge if they came out any later it would kill the poo poo out of the mother every time

Baby upgrade: lay an egg and the baby will hatch as a toddler at LEAST. Easy shipping to wherever babies are needed most.

Baby drawback: oh no where did I leave my baby *rifles thru drawers and cabinets* gently caress this is worse than my keys or remote

Devils Affricate
Jan 22, 2010


SniperWoreConverse posted:

have to come out basically like a fetus until they're grown enough to walk, because the human head is so loving huge if they came out any later it would kill the poo poo out of the mother every time

Yeah well maybe these idiot women should just grow wider, slipperier vaginas

free hubcaps
Oct 12, 2009


The Onion posted:

LOS ANGELES - A surprising new study released Monday by UCLA's Institute For Child Development revealed that human babies, long thought by psychologists to be highly inquisitive and adaptable, are actually extraordinarily stupid.

The study, an 18-month battery of intelligence tests administered to over 3,500 babies, concluded categorically that babies are "so stupid, it's not even funny."

According to Institute president Molly Bentley, in an effort to determine infant survival instincts when attacked, the babies were prodded in an aggressive manner with a broken broom handle. Over 90 percent of them, when poked, failed to make even rudimentary attempts to defend themselves. The remaining 10 percent responded by vacating their bowels.

“It is unlikely that the presence of the babies' fecal matter, however foul-smelling, would have a measurable defensive effect against an attacker in a real-world situation," Bentley said.

Another test, in which the infants were placed on a mound of dirt outdoors during a torrential downpour, produced similarly bleak results.

"The chicken, dog and even worm babies that we submitted to the test as a control group all had enough sense to come in from the rain or, at least, seek shelter under a leafy clump of vegetation or outcropping of rock," test supervisor Thomas Howell said. "The human babies, on the other hand, could not grasp even this incredibly basic concept, instead merely lying on the ground and making gurgling noises."

According to Howell, almost 60 percent of the infants tested in this manner eventually drowned.

Some of the babies tested were actually so stupid that they choked to death on pieces of Micronaut space toys. Others, unable to use such primitive instruments as can openers and spoons due to insufficient motor skills, simply starved to death, despite being surrounded by cabinets full of nutritious, life-giving Gerber-brand baby-food products.

Babies, the study concluded, are also too stupid to do the following: avoid getting their heads trapped in automatic car windows; use ice to alleviate the pain of burn injuries resulting from touching an open flame; master the skills required for scuba diving; and use a safety ladder to reach a window to escape from a room filled with cyanide gas.

"As a mother of four, I find these results very disheartening," Bentley told reporters. "I can honestly say that the effort I have expended trying to raise my children into intelligent beings may have been entirely wasted, a fool's dream, if you will."

Study results also prompted a strong reaction from President Clinton. "All of us, on some primitive, mammalian level, feel a great sense of pride in our offspring," Clinton said. "It is now clear, however, that these feelings are unfounded. Given the overwhelming evidence of their profound stupidity, we have no choice but to replace our existing infant population with artificially incubated simu-drones, with the eventual goal of phasing out the shamefully stupid human baby forever."

Gay Weed Dad
Jul 12, 2016

cool dude, flyin' high


Tremendous aim
Poor bartering skill (costly ammo)

SniperWoreConverse
Mar 20, 2010

Shamanistic Tendencies


Yah then you need a pelvis so wide you can't walk

Maybe the real solution would be shark cartilage skeletons

numberoneposter
Feb 19, 2014



babies are unemployed layabouts

SniperWoreConverse
Mar 20, 2010

Shamanistic Tendencies


Scorpion tail
Smell attracts Gila monsters

a bone to pick
Sep 14, 2011
Probation
Can't post for 4 days!


why bother with them at all? just start cloning chris pratt & dwayne johnson.

Kuato
Feb 25, 2005

500 GOOD DOGS/COMFY FLEECE SWEATER ALT ACCOUNT

Buglord

I work with a 6 foot 3 cry baby. Can’t loving stand him. Dude needs his diaper changed.

SLICK GOKU BABY
Jun 12, 2001

A Little Known FACT: Burger King's Bacon King is superior to the Baconator.


Babies suck if they aren't your own.

Chinatown
Sep 11, 2001

*Suck My Balls*

Grimey Drawer

SLICK GOKU BABY posted:

Babies suck if they aren't your own.

they suck regardless of owner

Devils Affricate
Jan 22, 2010


SLICK GOKU BABY posted:

Babies suck if they aren't your own.

I'm pretty sure they are the worst when they are your own

BloodRed
Apr 21, 2004

I identify as a simian who pronounces the 'silent' letters in words.

Fallen Rib

the best thing about your own babies is watching them grow into not babies

mercenarynuker
Sep 10, 2008


Come with a built-in income stream to offset the costs of having a tiny human
But must legally all be named Myckennzey, Attyson, Jaydien, Cortlyn, or some other monstrosity from this list

SniperWoreConverse
Mar 20, 2010

Shamanistic Tendencies


Have wings and can fly right after birth
Do NOT allow them to get hold of novelty bows and arrows, you might end up with quite a few on your hands

Maneck
Sep 11, 2011

I CAN'T STOP ROLLING AROUND IN MY OWN SHIT


Sonic attack.

Incontinence.

Myron Baloney
Mar 19, 2002



Dinosaur Gum

very high movement speed and agility

but they dislike letting bigger people get close for any reason so lots of them just starve to death because they're still just dumbass babies.

naem
May 29, 2011



it’s because of our giant brains and huge noggins

modern homo-sapiens have large round crinkly brains and big heads to contain them, yet were able to outbreed our close evolutionary cousins, by popping out lots of helpless squishy head babies. squishy heads fit out of a hoo-ha easier; baby heads min-max brain bigness to head squish-ness stats by taking the “unable to do anything but scream and eat for a long while but our brains are big” perk

neanderthals put all their stats into STR and HP

Unfinish3d
Nov 2, 2007

A deep well of despair I found
The day my dreams came true


Grimey Drawer

venom glands
poison envenomate their mommas

Blurry Gray Thing
Jun 3, 2009


Pro: A thick armored shell to protect them from the world before they grow big enough.

Con: Can't really move or do anything until they hatch.

Check it out OP, I just fixed babies.

SniperWoreConverse
Mar 20, 2010

Shamanistic Tendencies


Neanderthals had a rich culture on par with ours at the time. They also invented the first synthetic compound: pitch.

Had lower dexterity tho

Babies could have turtle shells they shed as they grow up, pretty big speed penalty tho but you get a cute door stop you just gotta change the diap

SniperWoreConverse
Mar 20, 2010

Shamanistic Tendencies


Go full into mega brains and stop being incompetent
Downside: maga brain, still retarded

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whiter than a Wilco show
Mar 30, 2011

Against


Jose Mengelez posted:

big dick
bad at math

Ah, now I finally understand what reverse racism means.

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