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The 2018-19 Chicago Bulls The Bulls are a dysfunctional cauldron of idiocy, run by goofball weirdos who tried to tank for the #1 pick last year but fell all the way to 7 because of the following circumstances: 1. Bobby Portis and Niko Mirotic became temporarily unstoppable even though Portis broke Mirotic's face and went on a dumb eight game streak. 2. The Bulls signed a G-League guy named Sean Kilpatrick who was exactly good enough to win two games they needed to lose. Bulls fans on the internet refer to him as Sean Kildraftpick. 3. The Bulls won a coinflip against the putrid Kings for a better pick position, but the luck of the lottery made the Kings the #2 pick. Then the Bulls went out and spent a gazillion dollars on mediocre dudes and who the gently caress knows what they are. Head Coach Fred Hoiberg  Well, it's time for Hoiball. After saddling Fred with the final disintegration of the Derrick Rose era, the hilarious Three Alphas where none of the Alphas seemed even at all inclined to listen or interested in shooting, and last year's tank-off, Fred will finally have the offensive firepower to run the innovative "pace and space" offense we've been hearing about. Also they are going to be completely dogshit on defense, so the Bulls will need to average 120 a game to even win like 35 games. Is Fred up to the challenge? No, he's a howdy-doody cornball who really should be teaching college kids who will be impressed by his Iowa backyard barbecues. What Hoiberg will do this season is test the Bulls' hatred of paying coaches not to coach versus pretending they have any chance to compete. HERE ARE THE BULLS GOOD GRIEF  Kris Dunn, G Dunn surprised the basketball world by being not complete poo poo last year. In fact, Kris Dunn was sort of OK. This is not what you would hope from from at former #5 pick who was a key piece in a trade for one of the best basketball players on the planet, but after his disastrous rookie year in Minnesota, Dunn actually looked like an NBA player. Already a very good defender and one of the only bulls capable of playing anything resembling defense, Dunn still has to show he can shoot, run an offense, and function in an offense filled with dudes who are interested in getting buckets.  Zach LaVine, SG The Bulls rewarded Zach LaVine for his terrible, injury-shortened by matching brain genius nba franchise Sacramento by handing him a four-year $80 million deal. LaVine, who looks healthy this year, can get buckets. He can fuckin' get buckets, man. He can shoot threes. He can dunk all over chumps. That's it. He can't defend, he can't really create. He gets buckets, he is preternaturally handsome, and unfathomably wealthy and I salute him.  Justin Holiday, G/F This guy sure is on the Bulls.  Bobby Portis, F Last year, Bobby did the thing we all assumed Bobby would do by looking at his face, and somehow the entire organization sided with him. Portis, a mediocre scoring forward, just absolutely destroyed all of the bones in Niko Mirotic's face, and after his suspension the Bulls were like sure it is ok that you did that. And now they are poised to pay him an enormous amount of money. Portis has two jobs: to make insane, terrifying faces to intimidate the opposition who already know that he has broken a man's face and to get buckets. Bobby doesn't play defense. He doesn't pass. He doesn't do anything other than catch the ball and start shooting. He might start his shooting motion before he even gets the ball. Bobby can score, and he owns, and is now selling t-shirts about how insane his eyes are.  Lauri Markkanen, F The Bulls' best hope is Lauri, the enormous, sweet-shooting Finn. Certain idiots like me thought he would be a beanpole dunk target, a Jan Vesely with range. Instead, Lauri showed that not only is he a knock-down shooter, he could dunk, move, and even play some defense. Lauri is the Bulls' best hope at becoming the star player, and while the whole "next dirk" hype is ludicrous, he is already a very good NBA player. Because he plays for the Bulls, he is hurt and will not play for several months.  Wendell Carter, Jr., C The Bulls ineptly tanked and ended up with the seventh pick. The seventh pick would be the boring, solid, Duke guy who would fundamentally do fundamental things and be a solid NBA role player for 15 years. And then summer league started and Wendell just started owning people. Carter is enormous and he can play basketball. He's really smart, he's 19, and he is going to start for the Bulls and might be the steal of the draft. Even the most cynical Bulls fan who has regarded with disgust everything this front office has done that has included making a serious of hideous trades, indefensible draft picks, and alleged bugging of Thibodeau's office is taken with Wendell. Man, this dude rules. Imagine taking some chump like Mo Bamba instead of Wendell. BENCH  Jabari Parker, F Well, the experiment lasted about three preseason games. The Bulls planned to start Jabari at the three, even though he defends like he is waiting for a valet to bring him his motorcycle. Then Lauri got hurt and the Bulls started him at the four, where it was also a disaster. Jabari is a good dude, he is from Chicago, and he can be gone after this year. It would be super cool if he showed the promise he had as the #2 overall pick, before he suffered so many knee injuries that Derrick Rose thought "wow this guy's knees are terrible." But it kind of looks like he is going to be bad. Here is what Jabari thinks of defense: "hey don’t pay players to play defense. There’s only two people historically that play defense. I’m not going to say I won’t, but to say that’s a weakness is like saying that’s everybody’s weakness. Because I’ve scored 30 and 20 on a lot of guys that say they play defense." gently caress defense, get buckets, this is Jabari's team and he must be protected at all costs.  Robin Lopez, C Robin Lopez lives his life as if he knows that he has earned fame and riches by being a giant mutant. He is one of my favorite Bulls. He's everyone's favorite Bull. Lopez managed to be cool with all three alphas. He held the team together after the Poris/Mirotic fight. In an NBA defined by big guys not really being able to play much anymore, Lopez is just a gigantic load, a reminder that sometimes just being huge is unstoppable. Lopez can never start for an actual good NBA team, but he's someone that every team wants on their roster and he's also a very strange, nice weirdo that just wants to go to Disneyland. Probably will be traded.  Cameron Payne, PG This dude loving blows in the funniest ways possible, how is he even an NBA player. Start Cam Payne immediately, IMO. Chandler Hutchinson, G/F The Bulls basically promised to draft this guy before looking at anyone else in the draft. They hope he'll be a three and d guy but he sort of looks bad. Christiano Felicio, C Felicio looked OK for a year catching lobs from Wade. Then the Bulls paid him a bunch of money and he became one of the worst players in the NBA. Oops. Antonio Blakeny, G gently caress defense, get buckets. Denzel Valentine, F Denzel is a decent offensive player who is very weird. Hurt. SEASON OUTLOOK gently caress defense. Get buckets.
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Oct 17, 2018 05:19
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| # ? Apr 25, 2024 17:09 |
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I pray every day that we get to see the holy grail of buckets lineup this year Blakenly, Lavine, Holliday, Parker, Portis Can you just picture the amount of buckets that will be gotten(by the other team) with a lineup that beautiful. Dear god Dunn don't get hurt as holy poo poo
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Oct 17, 2018 05:35
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The Dallas Mavericks Last season was the least watchable Mavs squad I've ever seen. This led to getting the most hyped Mavs rookie of the century. Added many players in the offseason. Their offense is going to look much better this season. This season might be it for the best player in franchise history, watch Dirk while you can.  Rick Carlisle coach One of the best coaches in the NBA. Led an amazing tank job last year. Tired of losing and ready to yell at players for turnovers or bad defense. With this roster, he might actually smile this season. May earn an Oscar for his role as Dr. Robotnik in the 2019 live action Sonic the Hedgehog movie. Coach of the Year Candidate  Dirk Nowitzki power forward/slow center a 58 year old German that was more effective than Carmelo Anthony last season. The all time greatest Mav enters what is likely his last season injured. When he returns he will be coming off the bench. 5 or 6 years ago his teammates nicknamed him the Mummy due to how slow he is. Dirk's legendary jumper allows him to hang around the NBA. I may cry after his last game. Sixth Man of the Year candidate  Dennis Smith Jr. point guard A super athletic 2nd year player who does enough right to suggest he could turn into an excellent player. His jumper needs to be better than last season. It likely will be as he won't have to handle the ball as much and shoots a much higher % in catch and shoot situations. He was robbed in the dunk contest last year. When he is feeling it, he is extremely fun to watch. With Harrison Barnes out to start the season, expect DSJ to shoot more than any other Mav. Most Improved Player Candidate  Luka Doncic point forward Wonderboy, the most decorated young Euro to ever enter the NBA. Dirk has been in the NBA longer than he has been alive. He is a young fat man that uses deliberate slow movements to maintain court awareness. His best skill is probably passing. The Mavs traded up for him in the draft. Expectations are that he will be a future star for the Mavs. The most hyped Mavs rookie since Jason Kidd. Rookie of the Year candidate.  Harrison Barnes small forward A few years ago the Mavs signed this guy to a massive deal. He is an underrated iso player, this would have been much more helpful 14 years ago. An above average player but not all-star level. His passing looked like it was improving at the end of last season. Allegedly nicknamed the Black Falcon but I've never seen the name used outside of the internet. A hamstring injury will keep him out until at the second game. Not a bad guy to have on your team but should not be the best player on your team. NBA Sportsmanship Award candidate  DeAndre Jordan center Once convinced to stay in LA to keep a good thing going with Chris Paul and Blake Griffin. Committed to the Mavs a few years ago then backed out and ruined their offseason, sparking a fantastic series of emoji tweets. If he hits free throws at the rate he made them in the preseason, the best Mavs center of all time. If he hits free throws at his normal rate, the second or third best Mavs center of all time. On a one year deal with the team but is one of the main reasons why they will be watchable. His presence means this is the 3rd season this decade with a rim protector on the Mavs. He will have cool dunks all year. Luka and DJ will be one of the best pick and roll threats in the NBA. Defensive Player of the Year Candidate  Wes Matthews shooting guard/small forward Portland fans told me I'd love this guy. He's ok I guess. Made three pointers at a better % than I believe last year. Will not be dribbling or posting up as much. This means the offense will be much more watchable. Used to be an awesome perimeter defender but is probably an overrated defender now. I'm down on him but it's the last year of his deal so he might have his best season in Dallas. Twyman–Stokes Teammate of the Year Award Candidate  Dwight Powell power forward/small ball center Secretly the best player on Dallas the past two years. It's been a rough two years. The prize of the Rondo trade, Dwight Powell has become more efficient each year. A great player to run the pick and roll with. A fantastic bench player, if he improves maybe a future starter. Underrated but has potential to become an overrated fan favorite bench guy. Smart teams will try to pry him away from the Mavs in a Wes Matthews trade. Twyman–Stokes Teammate of the Year Award Candidate  Dorian Finney-Smith small forward His last season was ruined by injury. Maybe the best perimeter defender on the Mavs. If he can hit threes at a decent rate, he will be a good rotation player. Has the potential to be a better Jae Crowder or not on the team next season. Most Improved Player Candidate  JJ Barea point guard Undefeated when starting in the Finals. Once took LeBron to the post and did what he wanted in the Finals. Somehow Barea had the best season of his career at age 34. This is weird for a 5'8 point guard. A good bench point guard. Did more to help Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria than the President of the United State of America. NBA Cares Community Assist Award Candidate.  Maxi Kleber power forward/center Potentially the best player in the league from Würzburg, Germany. The all time 2nd best player from Würzburg. Had a better rookie season than I expected. Underrated passer that occasionally shows good defense. If his three point shooting is better than last season, he will be a decent bench big. Most Improved Player Candidate  Salah Mejri center/enforcer Is actually two players Salah and "the Mej." You don't want to meet the Mej, if you do be prepared for elbows to the face. Great at many of the same dirty moves practiced by Steven Adams. Not great at the things that make Adams a starting center. If you like the Mavs, you probably like him. If you like other teams that are playing the Mavs, you probably hate him. NBA Sportsmanship Award candidate  Devin Harris point guard/shooting guard The 2nd highest draft pick by the Mavs on the team. Currently on the team because Yogi Ferrell decided to back out after committing to the team. Ideally won't get too much playing time. Twyman–Stokes Teammate of the Year Award Candidate  Jalen Brunson point guard "a winner" probably won't get that many minutes unless Dennis Smith Jr., Barea, or Devin Harris are injured. He is a big fan of Steve Nash and wears #13 in honor of him. Candidate for All Rookie Second Team.  Ryan Broekhoff small forward I don't know much about this guy. He is from Australia, 28 years old, and probably wouldn't be on the team if McBuckets didn't get a big deal from the Pacers. I've seen lazy comparisons to Joe Ingles. I'd be thrilled if he became anywhere near the player Ingles is. Candidate for multiple Dundies.  Ray Spalding power forward Some guy that played college basketball. I don't know much about him. Maybe he will get minutes this season. G-League All Star Candidate  Kostas Antetokounmpo small forward Didn't really do anything in college. One of his brothers is a candidate for MVP. He is on a two way deal and will spend most of his season playing for the Texas Legends. G-League All Star Candidate some of these are lazy, may or may not edit this later. Spacebump fucked around with this message at 06:56 on Oct 17, 2018 |
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Oct 17, 2018 05:41
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I kind of wanna do one for the Pistons but I don’t want to steal Dejan’s thunder since the thread is his idea in the first place and he’s funnier than me. We might have different takes though.
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Oct 17, 2018 14:26
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 The 2018-2019 Los Angeles Lakers A historically long-suffering franchise beset by a lack of star players and fan support, the Lakers are currently enduring their third-longest ever championship drought, having not brought a league title home since the long-forgotten days of 2010. Hope has arrived for the small backwater city of angels, however, in the form of a man with the worst hairline in the entire city; Lebron James. More on him later. Head Coach Luke Walton  Former Lakers glue player and son of jam band connoisseur Bill Walton, Luke was once viewed as one of the league's most promising coaching prospects after his success filling in for the injured Steve Kerr. His first two seasons with the Lakers have not been particularly successful, but the small percentage of Laker fans who actually understand how bad the team's rosters have been don't particularly blame him for it. This season will perhaps be his most difficult yet, as he faces the challenges of installing his system with a huge amount of roster turnover and coaching Lebron (historically a scary task) General Manager Earvin "Magic" Johnson  A mediocre point guard who made several All-Star teams by pretending to be the center Ervin Johnson a decade before Ervin entered the league, Magic's tenure as general manager before Lebron's signing consisted mostly of him violating tampering regulations. Johnson has been given enormous amounts of praise for convincing Lebron to sign, 95% of which is probably unjustified; the true test of Magic's general management form will come from seeing how the squad of misfit vets he has surrounded James with will perform this season. I also hate him for not resigning my boy, Julius Randle. The Players Lonzo Ball, PG  Highly drafted scion of the Ball clan and the greatest player in my high school's basketball history, Lonzo spent most of his rookie season displaying his disgusting jump shot form, bricking layups, and playing overrated defense. A summer spent working out with modern strength-training has supposedly yielded great results for Lonzo, as he is now free from Lavar's regimen of lifting cartoonishly large barrels. Hopefully playing with Lebron, and spending more time with the second unit, will allow Ball to return to his preferred game of throwing incredibly accurate long outlet passes and hitting threes from really far away with nobody contesting him. Cut his gross hair off. Kentavious Caldwell-Pope, SG  A high draft pick of the Pistons in 2013, KCP's career has been defined by good-to-excellent defense and atrocious shooting. Caldwell-Pope had the best season of his young career last year in his first as a Laker, being perhaps the only player besides Lonzo interested in playing defense and hitting shots at a roughly league-average rate that may be unsustainable for him considering the rest of his career. Looks to have a big year, as he is no longer wearing a work-release anklet and is allowed to play away games outside the state of California for the first time in his Lakers tenure. Normal hair. Lebon James, GOAT/SF  What can be said about Lebron James that has not been said with extreme confidence and a lack of any critical thought by Stephen A. Smith? Considered the greatest non-center of all time by everyone not intimidated by Jordan's huge jeans, Lebron leads the league year-in and year-out in scoring, assisting, defense in the playoffs, and crab dribbling. After bringing renewed success to perennial powerhouse Cleveland, can the ageless wonder restore hope to the battered and neglected Lakers fanbase? Or will he publically throttle Lance Stephenson halfway through the season? Only time will tell. Receding hair. Brandon Ingram, Slenderman/PF  The first player in NBA history to be invisible when looked at from the side, Ingram possesses the build of Manute Bol and the outside shooting ability of Manute Bol in that game where he hit eight threes. A versatile and rangy forward, expect Ingram to line up at the 2, the 3, and the 4 in various lineups this season, and expect a great deal of midrange scoring from the young Duke alumnus. Expected to make a leap in his three-point shooting and defense; if he fails to do so, the team will struggle to live up to expectations. Bad hair. Javale McGee, Center /cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/60372679/javale_and_mom.0.jpg) Frequent target of cyberbullying by former police officer and Laker The Big Aristotle, Javale possesses unmatched athletic gifts and a knack for doing really stupid things on the basketball court. McGee's role on these Lakers should be limited to rebounding and catching oops from Lebron, anything else will be a nice extra. Horrible hair. Rajon Rondo, Alpha/PG /cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/60287173/rondo_lakers.0.jpg) Former hated nemesis of Laker Nation due to his successes with the Dallas Mavericks and, to a lesser degree, Boston Celtics, Rondo brings his ability to defeat people at a solved board game and strong passing ability to a Lakers team that probably could have just used more shooting. Will compete with Lonzo for starting PG minutes all season, and I am unironically excited about the ball movement any lineup with Rondo and LBJ will have; hopefully Rondo's shooting does not revert to its previous levels of badness. No hair. Josh Hart, SG  One of the more promising young Lakers, Hart carved out a significant role for himself last season as a bench gunner and starter when KCP was legally unable to play. One of the brighter shooting spots on a roster devoid of shooting, leading the roster in 3pt%. I think Hart will take on a bigger role this season, challenging KCP for the starting 2 guard spot if KCP's shot regresses too much. Lance Stephenson, Lebron Stopper/SG  Perenially overrated by Pacers fans for pretending to be able to stop Lebron and an incredibly inefficient iso player, I have absolutely no idea why Stephenson was signed and no faith in him to do anything of value this season. Also a piece of poo poo off the court, gently caress this guy. Kyle Kuzma, PF  The most pleasant surprise of last season's draft, Kuzma was a late first-round pick out of Utah who shocked the league with his scoring ability. Probably won't develop too much more, since he's already 23, but already one of the best offensive players on the team. He might see time at the 5 in some lineups, and if he plays with bench units expect him to light up the scoresheet. Hopefully takes a step forward on defense. Super Cool Beas, Left Melo/F  One of the greatest college players of all time, Michael Beasley has consistently underperformed since entering the league, but has been making positive strides in recent seasons. A rangy scorer and one of the best 1-on-1 players in the league, Beasley could carve out a significant role for himself on this team. Or he'll play bad defense, chuck inefficiently, and get buried on the depth chart. Ivica Zubac, C  Unremarkable young tall guy, Zubac's biggest claim to fame is that his last name is almost a Pokemon. Will probably lose minutes to a variety of small ball 5s, the team is in real trouble if Zubac plays extended minutes. Sviatoslav Myhailiuk, SF  Looking to snatch the title of greatest Ukrainian basketball player from Alex Len, Svi has demonstrated a wide array of offensive skills, but often looked lost on D. I doubt he can be a significant contributor this season, but he has the potential to play a role for the team in the future. Moritz Wagner, C /cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/59969173/636573464389291691_GTY_936698276.0.jpg) Gross-looking German big man with an outside shot, Wagner probably won't develop into the Dirk Nowitzki analogue that comparsion suggests, but he's shown enough that I'd like to see him get minutes over Zubac. Has been injured most of his short Lakers career. Isaac Bonga, PG /cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/60985477/GettyImages_995774022.0.jpg) Enormous guard drafted primarily based on physical tools. Won't play this season, but he might scratch a rotation someday if he develops well. Gross Dennis Schroder hair Alex Caruso, PG  Perennial summer league star, runs offenses well but is too small to do much on the main roster. Really bad hair. Season Outlook Any championship hype for this roster is absurd. If Lebron took this roster through the stacked west this season, it'd be an even more impressive feat than him dragging Booby Gibson and the corpse of Big Z to the finals in 2007. They should be able to contend for a playoff spot, but the focus of this season has to be development. The Lakers have a lot of young prospects, and if one or two of them can take a leap forward this season the outlook for next year is bright, with the Lakers having the space needed to bring in a big star to complement Lebron and Ingram. creamcorn fucked around with this message at 22:54 on Oct 17, 2018 |
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Oct 17, 2018 17:26
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Oh Pacers, Pacers Oh Pacers, Pacers Oh Pacers, Pacers, Oladipo's got the flow but his voice sounds like bat guano Oh Pacers, Pacers, gave Turner seventy two mil but living in Indy's like taking a sleepin' pill Show me what the Playoffs can be Tell me baby, what's the 2nd round like oh because These no bigs lineups are killing me (and I) I must confess Mcmillan believes (still believes) When Leaf's on the floor I lose my mind Boom Baby all the time Knocked out First Round One More Time Oh Pacers, Pacers, still bringing Domas off the bench and scoring stuck in a trench Oh decent Pacers, there's nothing that I wouldn't do to watch McDermott hit buckets too Show me what Cory Joseph can be Tell me baby that they'll get Fifty Wins oh because Bojan's streaks are killing me (and I) I must confess I love the 3 (love the three) When Dipo's clutchin' I lose my mind Boom Baby all the time Good bye Playoffs come Round 2 time ♪♫♬Baby One More Time - Britney Spears ♪♫♬
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Oct 17, 2018 20:37
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| # ? Apr 25, 2024 17:09 |
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gently caress it I'll do the Pistons since Dejan is being slow. Who wants to meet the dullest team in the NBA? Owner: Tom Gores  Moved the team back to Detroit after putting a bunch of money into the Palace of Auburn Hills. He has been rewarded with the same percentage of empty seats but at a higher ticket price, so technically it was a good business decision. Loves to seductively leave the top few buttons of his dress shirts undone. Has definitely done cocaine off a variety of surfaces. De facto GM: Ed Stefanski  The GM of the pre-process Sixers, who were structured very similarly to this team. Very cool! Head Coach: Dwane Casey  Dragged the Raptors from perpetual mediocrity into regular contenders for the Eastern crown. Unfortunately a perennial disappointment in the playoffs, usually meeting his demise at the hands of LeBron James. His reward was getting fired and winning Coach of the Year in the same season. Hopefully bringing his updated offense, tough defense and player development to Detroit, but without key assistant Nick Nurse, who took over in Toronto. Starting Point Guard: Reggie Jackson  A source of great frustration for Pistons fans. A talented point guard, but not always the savviest. One of the only guys on the team who can create his own shot, but often creates too many for himself instead of distributing. Ultimately he's probably league average. His severe ankle sprain ended the team's hot start last year and tanked the season. Has only played a few games since Blake Griffin arrived. The story of the season will be how he meshes with the new lineup and coach. Looks kind of weird. Starting Shooting Guard (for now): Reggie Bullock  A three-point marksman on a cheap contract who originally came as filler in the trade that brought Marcus Morris to Detroit. Slowly made his way into Stan Van Gundy's rotation and solidified a spot with his shooting. Generally a cool dude. He was the first active player to take part in a Pride Parade this summer, honoring his late sister--a trans woman who was murdered in Baltimore. Starting Small Forward (for now): Stanley Johnson  A former lottery pick who is still just 22, Stanley plays really hard, especially on defense. Unfortunately he sucks. His shot is usually off and he fucks up at the rim all the time despite being really strong. The team is invested in his development but he's destined to be a marginal player when all is said and done barring a huge leap. Starting Power Forward: Blake Griffin  Acquired in a midseason trade for Tobias Harris, Avery Bradley and Boban Marjanovic, Blake is the biggest star to put on the red, blue and white since Allen Iverson. He immediately made an impact upon arrival as the team won six straight (against terrible teams who were somehow all on the second night of back-to-backs). It wasn't enough to push the team into the playoffs as he was basically the entire offense. Though known for his above-the-rim highlights as young player, the oft-injured veteran is now more of a playmaking forward. At full health and with a training camp under his belt (and an untradeable contract), Blake is expected to be the leader of the new-look Pistons. Starting Center: Andre Drummond  An absolute rebounding machine. Last season he got the highest RPG since Dennis Rodman in the 90s and made his second all-star team. His flashes of brilliance combined with an obviously limited skillset embody this era of the Pistons. Feels like he's been in the league for 10 years but he's only 25. Elevated his free throw percentage from the worst of all time to merely bad last year, which enables him to stay on the floor in the fourth quarter. Dwane Casey gave him the green light to shoot threes this preseason and it seemed like a terrible idea, but he did hit one while I was writing this (and airballed one that would have sealed the game). May have impregnated two Instagram models who look exactly the same. Backup Point Guard: Ish Smith  Seems like a revelation when he leads the second unit with his frenetic pace and passing. Didn't work out great as the starter in Jackson's absence last year because he can't do anything else. A nice piece to have on the bench who has found a home in Detroit after bouncing around the league a bunch. Backup Shooting Guard: Luke Kennard  Will never be loved, because he's a shooty white Duke guy who was drafted before a budding superstar in Donovan Mitchell. Luke had an alright rookie season. Has a really smooth outside stroke. Needs to learn to defend and find other ways to score. Backup Small Forward: Glenn Robinson III  Big Dog's son is expected to carve out a role as a 3-and-D guy, possibly becoming a starter. Really good at dunking. Backup Power Forward: Jon Leuer  Was injured all of last season but pretty good the year before. Semi-versatile stretch 4. Extremely Wisconsiny. Backup Center: Zaza Pachulia  Brings ~*championship*~ pedigree to this team, as well as Bad Boys style tough defense in which people always get injured around him for some reason. Should be a funny complement to Drummond's at times timid defense when he comes off the bench. Bench Gunner: Langston Galloway  Was a combo guard last year but will probably just play SG this season. He's whatever. Third Point Guard: Jose Calderon  Looked okay for us as a half-season rental a few years ago. Now back to play under his old Raptors coach Dwane Casey. Old and can't defend worth poo poo. Trash: Henry Ellenson  Terrible first round pick under Van Gundy. Was allegedly a stretch big at Marquette but he shot under 30% from the field. He's just white! Rarely plays. Will be in China soon. The Rookies: Bruce Brown and Khyri Thomas   Second round wings. I think the team wants them to become solid 3-and-D guys but I don't know much about them. Brown started the opener in place of an ill Reggie Bullock but didn't do anything. Also somebody named Zach Lofton played tonight on call-up from Grand Rapids. Expectations: Anywhere between 6 and 10 in the East.
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Oct 18, 2018 02:45
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