|
|
"Ah-ha!" cried Hogbert, clutching his wand tight to his robe shirt. "You aren't really the Sorcerer Stone at all! You're actually Shadow King Velveteen!" "What?!" cried Stone, clutching the Chamber's Secret tight to his dark shadow coat. "How did you figure it out?!" "It was simple," Hogbert explained to him. "I called my uncle, who is a prisoner in Ezekiel 4:9. He explained that you were his cell mate, and that you two would kiss all day, but he also said that Shadow King Vumbleborg was your boss at work." L. Rod Vampyhams rose up from Stone's head, his pig-like features an ominous mask of evil darkness. Hogbert Pumpernickel was afraid/frightened, and wished his friends Rumpus and Germination could be here with him, to act as human shields. "Now, Mr. Pumpernickel, I'm afraid you have to become dead," cried Shadow King Vulnerability. Hogbert Pumpernickel could see the title of the next chapter looming large over the page. It was 6. THE OBSCURE MOUNTAIN |
#
?
Oct 17, 2018 21:20
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 24, 2024 21:49 |
|
|
|
Hogbert gripped his wand tighter as he thought about his secret crush on Chump Change, who was a Chinese or a Korean. His hand moved up the wand, then back down. She was very pretty, to Hogbert. "Oi mate guv, bloody pip pip god save the H.M.S. Pinafore," said Romp Wisely. Hogbert loosened his grip. |
|
#
?
Oct 17, 2018 21:25
|
|
|
|
"You're a magic guy, 'Ogbert," shouted Halfwit the Giant. "You've got the magic and all like such as." "What?" said Hogbert, who couldn't hear because his bad and violent foster dad Rich Uncle Dagboat cut off his ears. "A. MAGIC. GUY." shouted Halfwit. "SHOOT MAGIC AT THE DAGBOATS USING MAGIC." "What?" said Hogbert. |
|
#
?
Oct 17, 2018 21:29
|
|
|
|
"What's your loving deal Hogbert?" asked Geraniums Garden, using an angry tone of voice. "Are you all loving tarded up or what?" Geraniums was from Canada, which made her very rude. Hogbert didn't mind, because he didn't have ears and couldn't hear what she was saying. "Fuckin' Lord Vickenbogget's gonna get an assful of my loving Reeboks if he comes around here again," Geraniums muttered. Hogbert smiled. He knew his friends were very helpful to him. |
|
#
?
Oct 17, 2018 21:33
|
|
|
|
CHAPTER ONE THE BOILED OLIVES Rich Uncle Dagboat was boiling olives again. Hogbert Pumpernickel didn't like it. Whenever there were boiled olives on the table, his ugly brother Dumpo Dagboat would try to have sex with them. Hogbert didn't like it, watching Dumpo slam his weird gross British dick into the bowl over and over as his foster dad, Rich Uncle Dagboat, and his foster mom, Peninsula Dagboat, laughed and laughed, their mouths full of boiled olives. All Hogbert wanted to do was sleep under the sink and read the Daily Mail. Hogbert was thinking about pelicans again. |
|
#
?
Oct 17, 2018 21:37
|
|
|
|
"Hogbert K. Pumpernickel will you please go now?" asked Carrots Malone, the large-armed centaur who patrolled the Bad Woods. "Come on, get going then. Go on." "Shan't," said Hogbert. "Why you little--" cried Carrots, who had parts of horses and people for a body. "I'm gonna tell!" "Don't care," said Hogbert, who could be a real little poo poo sometimes. "I'm looking for the Golden Sneetch." "With stars or without?" asked Carrots. "I only want those with stars upon thar's," said Hogbert using bravery. |
|
#
?
Oct 17, 2018 21:50
|
|
|
|
Hogbert Pumpernickel and the Sorcerer Stone [released in the UK as Hogbert Pumpernickel and the Sorcerer Adelbornch] Hogbert Pumpernickel and the Chambered Secretions Hogbert Pumpernickel and the Albanian Poisoner Hogbert Pumpernickel and the Goblins of Fire Hogbert Pumpernickel and the Hors d'oeurves on a Pancake [released in the UK as Hogbert Pumpernickel and the Crepe Caper] Hogbert Pumpernickel and the 'Alf-Blood Prince, Innit? Hogbert Pumpernickel and the Secret of Deadly Hollow |
|
#
?
Oct 17, 2018 22:13
|
|
|
|
I don't care if literally nobody else finds this poo poo funny, I will do this for weeks. |
|
#
?
Oct 17, 2018 22:15
|
|
|
|
FactsAreUseless posted:wished his friends Rumpus and Germination could be here with him, to act as human shields. lol this was my favorite, could have wished them there to save him, but no, to be human shields lol also some good names in this thread!
|
|
#
?
Oct 17, 2018 22:19
|
|
|
|
when do they play queefitch? |
|
#
?
Oct 17, 2018 22:33
|
|
|
|
Twenty Four posted:also some good names in this thread! Lunko Loudgourd |
|
#
?
Oct 17, 2018 23:13
|
|
|
|
Hogbert Pumpernickel was nervous. He had never masturbated outdoors before. Yet there he was, munging his blunger out on the quad in the middle of the night. He was going to show that conniving Dodo Moleboy who the real man on campus was, and he was going to show that by wanking in random locations around the school, just like his father. Suddenly and in mid-stroke, Hobert felt a angry and withered hand clamp down on his shoulder from behind. "A troublemaker, just like your father, eh? Minus fifty points from Grimbledorp!" "Professor Dombledabs!" huffed Hogbert, who continued to munge. "There's really no need to--" "One-hundred points from Gibbledump!" "I can't finish if you keep--" "Five-hundred points from Giggletown!" Hogbert was devastated. His first outing as a moonlight pervert, and it was all over before it even began. Hogbert could already imagine Dodo laughing at him, wanking all the while. He tucked away his donger, and shuffled despondently back to the dorms, where'd he'd have to resume munging in private, like a coward.
|
|
#
?
Oct 17, 2018 23:45
|
|
|
|
FutonForensic posted:Hogbert Pumpernickel was nervous. He had never masturbated outdoors before. Yet there he was, munging his blunger out on the quad in the middle of the night. He was going to show that conniving Dodo Moleboy who the real man on campus was, and he was going to show that by wanking in random locations around the school, just like his father. |
|
#
?
Oct 18, 2018 00:07
|
|
|
|
im team pimplesniff |
|
#
?
Oct 18, 2018 00:11
|
|
|
|
There were four great houses at Hoodwink's Collegke of Spellks and Magicks: Gambleform, Rootycarp, Happypap, and Santaclaus. |
|
#
?
Oct 18, 2018 00:54
|
|
|
|
"I am the bad teacher," said Dollarsign Underthebridge. Behind her, Angus Finch was nailing a plaque to the wall. NO EXISTING, it read. "Vealparmesan is back," insisted Hogbert. "Nuh-uh," said Ungringe. "drat," replied Hogbert. "For your independent thinking you shall get the emo punishment." |
|
#
?
Oct 18, 2018 01:52
|
|
|
|
Dopplesaurus Anklage |
|
#
?
Oct 18, 2018 02:47
|
|
|
|
"How did you defeat the Goblins of Fire?!" shrieked Vunkermop. "I used my power: cheating," replied Hogbert, thinking about all the friends and teachers who helped him do cheats all day. "Hoodwink's is a loving poo poo school, mate," said Volumeball. It was true. There was no accreditation. "My family smacks me around, so it's like, oh boy, here comes the quaddler, time to go to Lotions class," said Hogbert. "Lotions is a pyramid scheme, innit?" said Vaginfection. "drat right mate," said Hogbert. Then they shot wands at each other. |
|
#
?
Oct 18, 2018 02:51
|
|
FactsAreUseless posted:CHAPTER ONE lmao ---------------- |
|
|
#
?
Oct 18, 2018 03:01
|
|
|
"How I get to Hoodwinks?" asked Hogbert. "Go to platform Eleven Fifty Billion," Romp replied. "Where's that?" "It's right here in suck my dick, you dumbass." ---------------- |
|
|
#
?
Oct 18, 2018 03:06
|
|
|
|
"I didn't think--" began Hogbert. "That, Mr. Pumpernickel, is obvious," responded Professor Maneuver Magical. Professor Magical stood on her broomstick, did a heelflip into an ollie, then straight decked Roof Wimpling in his dumb face. "Bloody oi innit mate," said Roof, bleeding from his ugly-rear end nose. "You can say that again," said Hogbert. Twenty years later, Roof did sex on Herpetology Gamer. |
|
#
?
Oct 18, 2018 04:11
|
|
|
|
"Oh, Hogbert!" cried the one black kid at Hoodwink's. "Have gay sex with me, gay-style, using all the parts of our bodies that arouse an overweight 14-year-old who convinced her parents to put a computer in her room!" "gently caress, this is so HOT," said Plunette Edelhampton of Cheney, Washington. Hogbert rolled his eyes and went to class. |
|
#
?
Oct 18, 2018 04:15
|
|
|
|
FactsAreUseless posted:"I didn't think--" began Hogbert. I keep trying to unsub from Herpetology Gamer but the Patreon-unlocked mukbang videos keep luring me back in
|
|
#
?
Oct 18, 2018 04:19
|
|
|
|
"I sure I hope I don't get murdered because of your cheating rear end, you stupid gently caress," said Ric Diggity to Hogbert as he reached for the Goblet of the Goblins of Fire. "You deffo will," said Lorne Vailable as he popped out of the goblet. "Evade a cadaver!" he screamed, throwing a corpse at Ric. Ric died immediately. "See? See? loving toldja boyo!" cackled Darp Lorm Veevovippler. "So like what even the gently caress dude," said Hogbert. "You only went and killed Ric then." |
|
#
?
Oct 18, 2018 04:20
|
|
|
[HOGBERT] Ey up, tell me again about the Euphoria Elixir bars. [RUPEE] Pukka, what you fannying about? [HOGBERT] Well, Euphoria Elixir is legal over there, right? [RUPEE] Yeah, It's legal but it ain't hundred percent legal innit, I mean, you just can't stroll into a classroom, pull out a vial and start chuggin' away now can you? They want you to get wankered in your dormitory or at your local, you muppet. [HOGBERT] And those are the Elixir bars? [RUPEE] Bonza, it breaks down like this, ok, it's bonus to buy it, it's bonus to own it, and if you're the proprietor of a Elixir bar, it's bonus to sell it. It's bonus to carry it, but...but that doesn't matter, cause, get a load of this; all right, if you get stopped by a prefect in Beauxbatons, it's illegal for them to search you. I mean that's a right the chavvy prefects in Beauxbatons don't have, bobs your uncle. [HOGBERT] Ace, man, I'm goin', absolute lush. I'm fuckin' goin'. [RUPEE] Too right, tonker, you'd have it.. But you know what the funniest thing about Beauxbatons is? [HOGBERT] What? [RUPEE] It's the little differences. A lotta the same codswallop we got here, they got there, but there they're a little different right? [HOGBERT] Example? [RUPEE] When you schlep into a quidditch match at Beauxbatons, you can buy butterbeer. And I don't mean in a gobshite goblet either. They give you a smegging flagon of butterbeer. And in Paris, you can buy butterbeer at Avocado Kedavra's. And you know what they call a lemon poundcake in Paris? [HOGBERT] They don't call it a lemon poundcake? [RUPEE] Naw, they got the metric system there mate, they wouldn't know what the gently caress a poundcake is. [HOGBERT] What'd they call it then? [RUPEE] They call it Citron Lourd Gateau. [HOGBERT] Citron Lourd Gateau, awh hau hau! What'd they call a chocolate frog? [RUPEE] Chocolate Frog's a Chocolate Frog, but they call it Grenouille Chocolate. [HOGBERT] Grenouille Chocolate! Ahhaha, what do they call an Every Flavor Bean? [RUPEE] I dunno, I didn't go into a Zonko's. But you know what they put on fizzing whizzbees in Beauxbatons instead of custard? [HOGBERT] What? [RUPEE] House Elf jizz. [HOGBERT] Goddamn! [RUPEE] I seen 'em do it mate, they fuckin' drown 'em in that shite. [HOGBERT] Uuccch! |
|
#
?
Oct 18, 2018 07:11
|
|
|
Holy poo poo this thread 
https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
|
#
?
Oct 18, 2018 13:17
|
|
|
|
lol
|
|
#
?
Oct 18, 2018 15:03
|
|
|
lmfao @ everything
|
|
#
?
Oct 18, 2018 17:59
|
|
|
"See him?" Geraniums pointed at a giant Terry's Chocolate Orange on the sweet counter. "I'm gonna fuckin' cack his skidoo-rear end." Hogbert didn't like the smell of Winzlebottom's Wanky Kanky. It always smelt like olives which just made him think of Dagboat's raw-oiled dick mashing into a bowl every lunchtime whilst screaming out "I'M THE KING OF CYPRUS BITCH!" at 5 o'clock. On the dot. Hogbert had set his watch to it, at least he did before Geraniums made him take it off because she was terrified of clockfaces. "That's an orange," said Hogbert, "it's not a him." "His name is FUCKIN' TERRY you tardegg," she spat across his face, "i fuckin' HATE Terries." "What, terriers?" he asked. "I think they're cute." "People think you're cute and you've got twats where your ears used to be," said Gardens twatilinging where his ears had once been. Hogbert had taken some time to figure out Geraniums words without ears but he managed after the first two semesters depending on what ended up on his face. If it was spit, she was saying "gently caress", if it was bile then she was saying one of the other 490 words of the English language. Hogbert knew there were only 490 words in the English language because the Daily Mail told him so. All other words were made up, or foreign like olives. Hogbert didn't like foreign words like the ones Geraniums used. "OI, WANKTITS!" she shouted to Winzlebottom who looked like a 1970s TV host wanted for crimes. "Tell Terries he's fuckin' dead." "I told you already Terries died!" blustered Winzle. "Don't gimme that gently caress you Moomin-faced binch!" "THAT'S IT, NOBODY TALKS ABOUT MY NOSE-CHIN THAT WAY GET OUT, GET OUT YOU AWFUL CHILDREN!" "WHERE'S MY MONEY TERRY?! YOU CAN'T RUN FROM ME I'M GONNA CUT OPEN YOUR DICK YOU loving SOUP DRAGON PIECE OF poo poo, THEY'RE GONNA BUILD A SECOND loving GENEVA FOR THE poo poo I'LL DO TO YOU!" They were never allowed near Winzlebottom again. Which was surprising considering it was usually the opposite where Winzlebottom was never allowed near children, but Geraniums and Hogbert weren't considered children since Geraniums was from Canada which banned the concept of children since 1981, and Hogbert was just extremely ugly. "Videogames are bad for you? That's what they said about rock 'n' roll." |
|
#
?
Oct 18, 2018 19:05
|
|
|
|
"Wow, another year at Hairywarts," said Hogbert. "I know some bad and scary stuff has happened, but I can't get over how whimsical this place is! I can't wait to catch the Goblins of Fire!" Suddenly one of the walls of the room slid open. Hogbert counted the walls and realized that it was the fourth one, or possibly the fourth and two-thirds. In marched JK Roiling, book maker. "A'ight, bitches," she intoned, "recess is over! From now on at least one person is going to die at the end of every book! Hogbert, you're always going to feel like it's your fault, and to be honest it kind of will be." "But," said Hogbert, "haven't I endured enough tragedy? I'm an orphan and Lord Vanitymart keeps trying to kill me." "Which reminds me, Lord Velcroshirt will be getting a real body back this book, so he can try to kill you and successfully kill others who get caught in the crossfire more efficiently." "But...I thought this was a whimsical child's fantasy with dark moments, but that good ultimately triumphed without casualty, conveniently just in time for the end of the school year." "You could say I was..." and at this moment Bowling put on a pair of cool sunglasses "...JK." The book writer strode back through the wall, and Hogbert and the other nearby students stood in stunned silence for a moment. "Aw man," Hogbert's friend Rum Raisin finally spoke up, "I liked recess." |
|
#
?
Oct 18, 2018 19:27
|
|
|
|
google THIS posted:"Wow, another year at Hairywarts," said Hogbert. "I know some bad and scary stuff has happened, but I can't get over how whimsical this place is! I can't wait to catch the Goblins of Fire!" |
|
#
?
Oct 18, 2018 19:34
|
|
|
Hogbert Pumpernickel was sitting in his room. He was halfway done tattooing the SS rune on his forehead using a ballpoint pen and a sewing needle when his stepmother walked in on him. "Hogbert Pumpernickel!" she yelled, her face red with anger "This is the final straw! I'm sending you to Hoodwinks!" Hogbert looked puzzled at his angry mother. "It's a school Hogbert! A school for wizards! and good luck getting a job afterwards with that degree in this economy!" A small dwarf jumped onto Hogberts bed grabbed him in a bag and carried him all the way to Hoodwinks. |
|
#
?
Oct 18, 2018 22:16
|
|
|
|
misclicked |
|
#
?
Oct 18, 2018 23:49
|
|
|
|
Magic! Very very dreadfully magic Hogbert was and is! |
|
#
?
Oct 18, 2018 23:57
|
|
|
|
Hempy Porples Hatty Peebag Hello Peeta Heebee Pocket Hippo Poopy |
|
#
?
Oct 19, 2018 00:12
|
|
|
|
"I will teach you how to bottle liquids, contain fluids, and stopper juice," said Professor Skeep "Uh... yes?" replied Hogbert. Professor Skeep glared at him, glaringly. "1000 points from Gumbotron!" he shouted. The boys from Shittyring snickered. Hogbert shrugged. He didn't care about points. He only cared about one thing: catching and destroying Goldon Sleech, the man who had killed his parents. |
|
#
?
Oct 19, 2018 00:16
|
|
|
|
Dabbie the Elf produced a small plastic bag, containing a pathetically small amount of cannabis. "Looky what I've got here, cunts!" "Oh--gently caress--yes," exclaimed Hogbert, clapping between each syllable. "There is nothing funnier in a Harry Potter parody than all the characters just smoking weed for like two pages. Classic spoof material. Light that poo poo up, my man." Dabbie inspected the bag's contents and was crestfallen. "Sorry loves, I got the wrong bag. This is dried mandragora. All it does is make you immortal and raises your estrogen." Hogbert was devastated. Hogbert Pumpernickel smoking weed would've been so loving funny
|
|
#
?
Oct 19, 2018 02:52
|
|
|
|
"You're not high, Pronk." "oi I'm heck of high innit fukken foreigns" "You're still not high. You're just an rear end. I don't think you're even British." "gently caress you know Geranium, I can be stoned, maybe I am stoned, I've done drug, bloody ell twat pissah hahvahd yahd." |
|
#
?
Oct 19, 2018 02:58
|
|
|
|
stylizEd intro to the movie Snatch style intro to the english gangster characters of Hogbert Pumpernickel |
|
#
?
Oct 19, 2018 03:21
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 24, 2024 21:49 |
|
|
|
alnilam posted:stylizEd intro to the movie Snatch style intro to the english gangster characters of Hogbert Pumpernickel |
|
#
?
Oct 19, 2018 09:35
|
|