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 hello and welcome to my Crown Jewel thread. please present your invitation with your first post. anyone posting without an rsvp will be given a 6 hour probation by Jerusalem. this is a fun way to build camaraderie as a forum so please don't be upset with being probated. before we begin tonight, i'd like to take a moment to remember Jamal Khashoggi, who was murdered in the Saudi Arabian embassy in Turkey, sparking an international crisis. two weeks before Khashoggi was murdered, rovert posted a cryptic tweet that nobody understood until it was too late. rovert knew, and he did nothing to stop Jamal Khashoggi's execution. please, let's all have a moment of silence for this lion of a man, taken from us too soon. [please do not make noise as you read this part. read it slowly and solemnly, reflecting on the life of Jamal Khashoggi. think about how precious and short life is, and make a promise to yourself that you'll never waste a moment of this sweet gift called life. make sure you have something to drink, and use the bathroom if you have to. keep thinking about Jamal when you're getting your drink, or relieving yourself. thank you.]  let's meet the cast of characters for this Special Event, emanating live from Riyadh, Saudi Arabia:  Jamal Khashoggi this guy was reportedly killed in Turkey by some rebellious Saudi Arabian hitmen. he's the most famous reporter in the world now. Jamal was very critical of Saudi Arabia, and he knew that they wanted to kill him. but i guess that wasn't a good enough excuse for his girlfriend, who demanded they get married. this forced Jamal to go to the Saudi Arabian embassy, because he needed a permission slip to marry this lady. well, when he got there he was sawed to pieces while he was still alive. so really, this is his girlfriend's fault. good luck marrying him now, idiot. Jamal's death is sort of putting the world in an uncomfortable position, because everyone does business with Saudi Arabia, but they are kind of a weird medieval tyrannical monarchy that hasn't changed much since the time of Ibn Battuta. Saudi Arabia is really rich and is willing to spend money, and that used to be ok, because most people didn't know or care about what goes on in the Saudi government. even though the Saudis did 9/11. the money was too good. and it is still too good for the WWE to refuse. but a lot of people are in an awkward spot, and it's impacting this show negatively. to be honest, nobody is going to remember Jamal Khashoggi's name in 2 months. people just grumble and do nothing and get on with the rest of their day. and frankly, if Jamal Khashoggi was such an important and good reporter, i would have heard about him. he never wrote anything that i thought was great.  Mohammad bin Salman Mohammad bin Salman, or MbS to his friends, is the de facto ruler of Saudi Arabia, and when he was 12 years old he loved watching the WWF. he has so much money that he doesn't know right from wrong, and he is impossible to be reasoned with. he paid Vince McMahon 20 billion dollars to put on a live show for him. MbS has thin skin and doesn't like when people criticize him, like that poster Hako who was rude to me in the Smackdown thread. MbS invites all of his friends to these shows, but, they don't have entertainment in Saudi Arabia, so the people in the audience don't know what's happening. they don't know they are supposed to look at the ring. MbS is a tragic figure in this way, nobody appreciates the show he's putting on for everyone, even though it cost him a lot of money. Jamal Khashoggi was going to write an article about how MbS is a dumb money mark, and got killed for his troubles. i think that in a way, both men were wrong, and deserve blame for everything that's happened. frankly, i don't know what the deal is with this guy, and neither does anyone else.  Vince McMahon i think we all know Vince. whether you love him or you hate him, you've gotta love Vincent Kennedy McMahon. most rich people are really lizards. you know what i mean. they don't act like humans, they stare at you like a lizard, they eat raw onions, they don't know how to blend in. Vince is like a bird person. all you posters who have a pet bird know what i mean. Fluffy Bunnies probably has a pet bird, or she did at one point and then she killed and ate it. birds are really dinosaurs, which are a kind of lizard in a way. birds are smart, and they make a lot of noise, and they do funny dances. a bird is a lizard that dances, and that's basically what i think of when i think of Vince McMahon. people have a problem with him for some reason. but you know, he gets to put on a crummy show with a tournament with no stakes and he gets a ton of money. if you don't like it, then stop watching. you're all like Sami Zayn tweeting about the civil war in Sicily. just quit if you have a problem with this show. but don't leave the thread, keep posting here.  Recep Tayyip Erdoğan this guy is the president of Turkey, which is where the Saudis killed Jamal Khashoggi. Erdogan really dislikes MbS for some reason, probably because Erdogan is a WCW fan. he doesn't like MbS and just won't shut up about the dead reporter. he's trying to ruin MbS's special day that he put together for everyone. this all stems from when the Hashimite rulers of the Hejaz pledged allegiance to the Ottoman Sultanate in 1517 following the Ottoman conquest of Egypt. This meant that the holy cities of Mecca and Medina were under Ottoman protection until the Arab revolt of 1916. Erdogan thinks that the House of Saud are non-Islamic heretics. in my opinion, Erdogan is correct. The House of Saud is too indulgent and does not follow the law of Mohammad as it is written. i think that if this show is bad, we should declare jihad against the decadent House of Saud and bring the subforum under sharia law with me acting as caliph.  Renee Young Renee Young is to be the first woman to set foot on Saudi Arabian soil. she is in a precarious situation. not only is she forced to wear a hat, she is being placed in mortal danger by her employer. if Renee Young blinks in the wrong way, the Saudis are well within their legal right to execute her. to make matters worse, her husband Dean Ambrose has totally lost his marbles, his sanity meter is depleted, and he cannot help her escape from a Saudi prison, should the need arise. needless to say, if she pees standing up like that in Riyadh, she's not coming home. she will then be turned into an axolotl tank and used to manufacture synthetic spice.  John Cena and Daniel Bryan these two guys aren't going to be on the show. they don't want to go because they think it would reflect negatively on them. this is the final nail in the coffin for both of these men. John Cena is walking off into the sunset, and this time, the sunset is in the east, China. he's going to be a big movie star in China and probably do a lot of weird things that aren't illegal to do, but only in China. Daniel Bryan is going to be jobbed out until his contract is up or until he injures himself too badly. this was probably going to happen anyway to be honest. expect to find the two of them duct taped together, floating in the Hudson. why am i including them here, when they aren't appearing, you may ask? it's because i ran out of people to list here. i don't really plan these things out, or edit them. i probably shouldn't even include any of this, but i've already written it all out.  Ibn Battuta Ibn Battuta was a 14th century Muslim explorer who traveled all over the medieval world. over a period of 30 years he visited most of the Muslim world. he was a Berber from Morocco, and he went on hajj when he was 21. he would not return to Morocco for another 24 years. after his hajj to Mecca he traveled to the city of Jeddah in 1328, which is notable for being the location of the Greatest Royal Rumble. in 2013 the House of Saud funded a video game called Unearthed: Trail of Ibn Battuta: Episode 1. this video game follows Faris Jawad, an Arab fortune hunter. Faris travels from Egypt to Morocco at the behest of a man called Rasheed Al Kalabi, who has a diary of Ibn Battuta. this is a major plot hole, because Ibn Battuta was illiterate and could not have written a diary. the chronicles of his voyages were dictated to a scribe. after Faris meets Rasheed, the diary is stolen, and Faris pursues the thief on a daring rooftop chase. before Faris can question the thief, the thief is struck by a sniper's bullet. the sound of the sniper's gunshot attracts the attention of the Moroccan police, and Faris and his friends escape the city in Rasheed's car. that's where episode 1 ends. episode 2 never came out.  You by viewing this, you are complicit in the death of Jamal Khashoggi. his blood is on your hands. you can try to rationalize this, but you're just lying to yourself. don't be a coward, don't be a hypocrite. you have two choices. you can admit that you don't really care about some journalist, you don't care about bad stuff that happens in some foreign country you're never going to be in, to people you'll never know, you don't care who makes your phone, or your shoes, you just don't give a poo poo and you want your luxuries. or, you can be a woke guy on twitter, and put your money where your fat complaining mouth is, and not watch this, or any other WWE programming, ever again. you can not do both. you have to pick one. anyone breaking this rule will be hellbanned. and now, on to the matches for tonight:  The Undertaker and Kane vs. Triple H and Shawn Michaels this match makes me feel old. most of the time i don't feel old, you know? most of us are in our thirties, probably, but you don't feel like you're 35, right? you still think you're in your twenties. that's sort of how i operate, believing i'm still in my twenties. but this match. nothing makes me feel older than looking at a familiar face from my childhood and seeing an ancient, wrinkled, big-nosed caricature of the person i used to know. it's like time is slowly sipping away the hours of these people you once admired. the full, luscious lips of Time dip down alluringly to wrap themselves around the blue and white striped straw poking out of the heads of our heroes. Miyamoto Musashi said that a warrior does not fear death, for a warrior knows he is already dead. only when i look at the participants in this match do i truly understand what that great samurai meant. these old men are empty husks, ghouls desperate to taste what living is like, if only for a brief moment. their bodies are dead, their souls eroded away, except for one thing: that unending hunger for youth, for the electricity they felt when they were new and fresh and invincible. the only way they can still feel alive is to put themselves in a quantum state between life and death. when the waveform collapses, they die, one way or the other.  Braun Strowman vs. Brock Lesnar for the vacant Universal Championship as some of you may know, i was probated for posts i made in the Raw thread a couple weeks ago. well, the reason i got probated was because i was making fun of someone for getting leukemia. that person was the universal champion of the WWE, Roman Reigns, and he had to vacate the title. he was supposed to be the third person in this match, but now he's too sick to be in it. Brock Lesnar is a waking nightmare from which we can not escape. he is the physical manifestation of Vince McMahon's repetition derangement. his matches are all the same, they are the same move repeated until dead. his manager repeats the same promo every night. everyone hates him. Braun Strowman is the modern day Ryback. Braun used to be the hottest act in the company, but they turned him into a jabroni because he was more popular than Roman Reigns. well guess who has leukemia now? that's right, Roman Reigns does. so now Braun is damaged goods and he's been saddled with two losers. he lost his Money in the Bank cash in. do you even remember that? nobody is ever going to care about him again. but they have to push him now because Roman is dying. Brock Lesnar is going to win this match so mentally prepare yourself for that.   AJ Styles (c) vs. Samoa Joe for the WWE Championship this was supposed to be AJ Styles vs. Daniel Bryan, but that happened on Smackdown because Daniel Bryan doesn't condone the murder of Jamal Khashoggi. that match was pretty good. i don't give a poo poo that Bryan tapped. so many people are salty about him tapping, who cares. Samoa Joe is a fat loser, and and after decisively losing his last feud with AJ Styles, he's moving on to challenge AJ Styles for the championship. well, they weren't giving Joe the belt during the planned feud, but maybe they'll give him the belt on this impromptu band-aid match? probably not, i don't think they would do that. AJ Styles is a really good wrestler, and I've heard that Samoa Joe was good at one point, too. this match will probably be the highlight of the show, but it probably won't be good. nobody will be able to get into the match because the atmosphere will be bad, nobody in the crowd will be paying attention, and the writing surrounding the match is bad and doesn't make sense.  The Bar (c) vs. The New Day everyone tells me Sheamus has a bad neck, but he seems fine to me. i think Big Show is in this match, and it's a 6 man tag. The New Day used to be cool but they don't really do skits anymore. Big Show is 61 years old. he looks like the guy on an old map blowing cold air. i wonder what kind of vape juice Big Show likes. does he like fruity ones, or tobacco flavors, or maybe he likes dessert ones. there are a lot of choices. i'm trying to quit smoking cigarettes, nobody wants to kiss a smoker. i'd vape whatever Big Show was into. i'm always looking for recommendations on vape juice flavors, send me a private message.  The World Cup Tournament to Determine the Best in the World Seth Rollins vs. Bobby Lashley rovert said Lashley is winning the whole tournament and i agree. this trophy is a good prop for Lashley because he loving stinks and he has nothing going for him. he stinks. its kind of weird for Seth Rollins to be out in the first round, but i don't care, personally. i stop paying attention when he wrestles. i know that my penis is bigger than his, so i can't respect him. this match is going to stink and Dean Ambrose is going to come out and cost Rollins the match and Lio Rush will shriek like a goblin. Kurt Angle vs. Dolph Ziggler Dolph Ziggler stinks. Kurt Angle is from the Attitude Era, and since Lashley is winning, a face needs to advance to the next round. MbS wants to see his old wrestler win a match. Angle is like one of those insects that has been taken over by a fungus. he moves like a marionette. when he talks, his voice is coming from somewhere far away, you can tell that he has to shout as loud as he can to get his words out, but by the time they make their way across his lips they have been weathered to a quiet, stilted monotone. when you look into his eyes, Angle isn't looking out of them anymore. when Kurt Angle came back to the land of the wrestling, what came back with him? Jeff Hardy vs. The Miz Jeff Hardy is from the Attitude Era, and i don't think The Miz is capable of having more than one match in a night. Jeff Hardy is cool. The Miz is bad, people here like him though. A few years ago all the goons were recommending this PS2 game called God Hand. they said it was the best game ever. i bought it and it was really dumb and bad. That's what The Miz is to me. people on the forum tell me he's good but when i buy and play him i find out he's actually bad. Rey Mysterio vs. Randy Orton Rey Mysterio is back. they fixed the cartilage in his knees. who cares. who even cares anymore. Randy Orton sucks. Bobby Lashley vs. Kurt Angle Bobby Lashley stinks. he's never been good. the weirdos that watch TNA tell us he was good when he was there, but are you going to trust the opinion of someone who watches TNA? Bobby Lashley is the worst. Bobby Lashley is worse than Roman Reigns. i hate Bobby Lashley. he's a bad wrestler. Kurt Angle will be injured in this match and will have to rehabilitate in a Saudi hospital. Kurt Angle never will be seen alive again. Jeff Hardy vs. Rey Mysterio i don't really have anything more to say. this was a mistake. Bobby Lashley vs. Rey Mysterio this will be a classic WWE David vs. Goliath match. Bobby Lashley will win after manhandling Rey and forcing him to punch himself with his own hands. Lio Rush will jump inside the trophy and Bobby Lashley will carry him around in it. nobody will be happy. please have a good time posting in my thread. remember, you can't post unless you rsvp'd and got an invite. i don't know a lot about etiquette and sending out invitations but i'm learning and trying my best. if you are having a good time, consider rating this thread a 5. if you have a guilty conscience about watching this show, consider volunteering or donating to a wildlife sanctuary or rescue. wild animals have no money, and most people don't care about them. some posters here even kill wild animals for fun. but i think that's bad. a lot of the time i think about what it would be like if i was a pigeon, or a squirrel, and i would need all the help i could get. volunteering at a bird sanctuary is a good way to overcome your fear of birds, and also build up good karma. many birds are friendly and enjoy dancing. or donate some money to your local pigeon and squirrel healer. do it in Jamal Khashoggi's name. or in my name. you can either use Baron Corbin or my real name, Bill Goldberg's Beautiful Daughter. you can go to http://www.turtlerescues.com/ and help turtles near where i live, if you want. there are a lot of cute species of turtle where i live, and you'll be helping them. and you'll also be helping me, because i like to go to the pond and watch them hanging out. if you don't like turtles, you're probably a sociopath and i don't want you in my thread, even if you have an invitation. 
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Nov 2, 2018 15:45
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| # ? Apr 19, 2024 13:38 |
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Through sheer force of will I have awoken with just enough time to get some coffee before the kickoff. Sheik Corbin was nice enough to make sure I was personally invited to the embassy to watch this, too! 
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Nov 2, 2018 15:47
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This is a masterful OP
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Nov 2, 2018 15:58
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 This shows bad
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Nov 2, 2018 15:58
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Reporting from the green screen ring, I see.
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Nov 2, 2018 16:01
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 Hello i heard that evolution was good, im here for the female match
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Nov 2, 2018 16:02
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Watching this will be a guilty pleasure. On the one hand I care about human rights, on the other hand I want to see 4 middle-aged, balding men, who had more orthopedic surgeries than all the residents of a mid-sized nursing home combined, spend half their match on the floor, gasping for air.
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Nov 2, 2018 16:02
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I hope they start the show with a ten-bell salute in Khashoggi's honor.
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Nov 2, 2018 16:04
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BTW update from my Saudi friend is she is sad that Jamal was carved apart since he was a good man and also came from the holy city Madinah.
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Nov 2, 2018 16:04
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thank you all for coming to my thread, even if you weren't invited. Jerusalem will be probating you at the end of the show, so you can enjoy posting in the thread regardless
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Nov 2, 2018 16:04
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this is the best op for this shitshow, also think I just fell in love with that woman dressed as nurse jenny
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Nov 2, 2018 16:05
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I googled the crown jewels of Saudi Arabia but all I found was a lovely necklace England's ancient queen gave them in the '60s.
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Nov 2, 2018 16:05
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Im not watching and am just gonna treat this show as the general thread might go see that freddy mercury biopic because queen owns
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Nov 2, 2018 16:07
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I've heard that the Queen movie is probably worse than the death of Jamal Khashoggi.
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Nov 2, 2018 16:08
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 This is a nice thread you've got here. The OP is lovely and the posters are... just lovely. Lovely. Oh would you look at the time, I was meant to be posting in the UKMT this evening! Beg my pardon, I'll have to leave.
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Nov 2, 2018 16:09
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Britain is just another country falling to facism accept it and face to Arabia in prayer, with us.
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Nov 2, 2018 16:11
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Is Otunga going to Sammy Sosa’s dermatologist?
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Nov 2, 2018 16:11
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Shima Honnou posted:I've heard that the Queen movie is probably worse than the death of Jamal Khashoggi. drat guess I'll save my money and play music something
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Nov 2, 2018 16:11
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anyone here play hearthstone?
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Nov 2, 2018 16:12
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Big Coffin Hunter posted:drat guess I'll save my money and play music something It's because the band had creative control over it and made it about how they overcame Freddie's death to still be well-known that they exist to this day.
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Nov 2, 2018 16:14
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Nice OP, far more effort than this shitshow deserves. Won't be watching cause I'm at work, but will post!!!
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Nov 2, 2018 16:14
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Did you know Queen still existed as a band even to this day despite Freddie Mercury being the entire heart and soul of the band? You will if you watch the movie!
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Nov 2, 2018 16:17
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Famous wrestler, Cesar Sayoc is getting inducted into the hall of fame at Crown Jewel.
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Nov 2, 2018 16:17
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Shima Honnou posted:It's because the band had creative control over it and made it about how they overcame Freddie's death to still be well-known that they exist to this day. That's wack. I get Queen was an actual band and more than Freddy Murcury but, my dudes, this is about your dead friend's life
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Nov 2, 2018 16:19
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Shima Honnou posted:Did you know Queen still existed as a band even to this day despite Freddie Mercury being the entire heart and soul of the band? You will if you watch the movie! then the doors movie should have featured those two post-morrison albums
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Nov 2, 2018 16:19
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Shima Honnou posted:Did you know Queen still existed as a band even to this day despite Freddie Mercury being the entire heart and soul of the band? You will if you watch the movie! i have a song in my library that's a The Doors song that they made after Jim Morrison died. it's like a cuckoo bird laid an egg in The Doors library
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Nov 2, 2018 16:20
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davodi otunga looks like he had 10 pounds of facial reconstructive surgery
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Nov 2, 2018 16:22
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Crown Jewel
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Nov 2, 2018 16:22
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Did you know: Freddie Mercury was of Persian descent, and also gay, and both of these things make him an enemy to the Grand Kingdom of Saudi Arabia (but more the Persian thing, they loving hate anything even tangentially Iranian)
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Nov 2, 2018 16:22
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freddy mercury was a zoroastrian
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Nov 2, 2018 16:23
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Shima Honnou posted:I googled the crown jewels of Saudi Arabia but all I found was a lovely necklace England's ancient queen gave them in the '60s. All I got was Chase Owens in a thwab.
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Nov 2, 2018 16:26
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Baron Corbin posted:freddy mercury was a zoroastrian Ironically Zoroastrianism is the root basis for Judaism which is the root of Christianity which is the root of Islam which had a usurper forcibly conquer and convert Persia so hard they assassinated his rear end.
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Nov 2, 2018 16:27
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Baron Corbin posted:freddy mercury was a zoroastrian Goddamn Freddy Merrcury was cool and good
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Nov 2, 2018 16:28
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I feel like the cheers are being piped in.
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Nov 2, 2018 16:28
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then again im more of a taoist but western poo poo can be cool as well
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Nov 2, 2018 16:29
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Zoroaster is the only religious figure cool enough that I have him on my wall.
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Nov 2, 2018 16:29
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Zhang Jue, ancient Chinese communist and egalitarian, was also cool as hell except that he lost his rebellion.
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Nov 2, 2018 16:31
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in Crusader Kings 2, zorastrian dynasties are allowed to have incestuous relationships
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Nov 2, 2018 16:32
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i'm sorry i didn't have this match in the op, i didn't know about it happening
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Nov 2, 2018 16:34
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hey, a US Title match is happening
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Nov 2, 2018 16:35
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