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Doc Walrus
Jan 2, 2014




Cryin' Chris is a WASTE.


Nap Ghost

IRON CHEF C-SPAM: BREXIT CHALLENGE

twoday posted:

The three rules I propose for the Brexit challenge are

- a single dish
- ingredients which are produced in the UK (if it's questionable please prove it is being manufactured in the UK with a link)
- at least one ingredient must come from a can/tin

Made before may 1st





After enough food chat derails in the critically acclaimed TRUMP thread, we've drummed up enough interest to justify making a cooking thread! We don't really give a poo poo what you talk about here, but this thread was made with two specific goals:

1) Share recipes and recipe ideas
2) Get a C-SPAM Iron Chef competition off the ground

When sharing your creations here, we'd love some of the following to be included:
-Some instructions on how you made it, either a short summary or full verbose recipe
-Pictures!
-Make it needlessly political if you can. This IS a politics shitposting subforum after all!

With all that out of the way, I'll start with what I made tonight:

Grandma's "Meritocracy Isn't Real" Southern Beef Tips over Rice
This classic country dish sports flavors as deep and complex as the South's long history of racial violence. Good old Grandma worked long and hard to perfect this recipe, and now future generations can repeat her success with minimal effort as if they had created it themselves! Serves two.


The Ingredients

For the rice:
-1.5 cups enriched white rice
- a few twists from an Italian Seasoning grinder
- a teaspoon or two of butter, to taste

For the beef gravy:
-Enough olive oil to coat your pan
-1 White onion
-1 Yellow onion
-1.5 Tablespoons minced garlic (I buy minced garlic in big jars, so I dunno how many cloves that is)
-1 Pound beef, cut into bite-sized pieces (any non-prime cut will probably be fine, but Chuck or Sirloin works best)
-However many raw broccoli florets you want in there
-A little sprinkle of all-purpose flour
-1 Cup beef broth
-1/2 Cup soy sauce
-1.5 Tablespoons Dijon mustard (The darker, grainier the better)
-1 teaspoon Worcestershire
-1/2 cup repressed anger (It's gotta go somewhere!)
-Salt and pepper to taste

The Recipe

Start with your onions. Mince the white onion into tiny tiny pieces, but chop the yellow onion into thicker pieces. The minced onion will effectively disappear into the gravy, while the big pieces will serve as oniony gravy delivery platforms.
Throw enough olive oil to cover the bottom of your pan and set your stove to medium heat. Add both onions. While those are cooking, chop up the beef and garlic, if you're chopping cloves like a real chef.
Once all the onions are translucent, add garlic and wait for the garlic to turn a slightly dark shade of brown. Then, throw in the beef and brown that beef up. Add pepper, but not salt-- You're adding soy sauce and broth after this, and that might be enough saltiness for you by itself.
Once the beef is browned, sprinkle some flour on it and stir. You want to use just a little bit of flour at a time, so it doesn't clump up. Once all the flour is dissolved and liquids are nice and thick, add the Stew Trifecta (Soy sauce, Dijon, Worcestershire). These are the protagonists of the dish's flavor profile.
Now add the beef broth and turn up the heat until it boils and reduce that boil to a friendly simmer. While it simmers, start boiling the rice in a sauce pan or pot. Take a fork, grab a piece of onion from the gravy and taste it.
Does it need more Dijon? Does it need more Worcestershire? Does it need more Soy Sauce, you loving Soy Boy? Adjust the flavor to your liking, Soy Boy. Once you're done adjusting the flavor to your liking, the gravy will have been simmering for several minutes.
Now it's time to add the broccoli-- tossing it in this late in the process keeps it from getting too soggy. The rice will finish cooking before the gravy-- taste a few kernels of rice from time to time and remove it from heat when the rice is no longer hard in the middle.
(Drain any excess water if necessary.) Grind some Italian seasoning from your cheap rear end McCormick grinder into the rice.
Once you're happy with the seasoning level of the rice, mix in some butter. The rice is done! Around this point your gravy should be nice, thick, and flavorful. Turn off the heat and add more salt if it's not salty enough already. Eat!


Tune in tomorrow for my Globalist Endgame Creamy Coconut Biryani! And share your cooking bullshit with C-SPAM!

Doc Walrus has issued a correction as of 01:13 on Mar 20, 2019

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BrutalistMcDonalds
Oct 4, 2012




Lipstick Apathy

the secret ingredient is piss

Mariana Horchata
Jun 30, 2008



College Slice

Doc Walrus
Jan 2, 2014




Cryin' Chris is a WASTE.


Nap Ghost

BrutalistMcDonalds posted:

the secret ingredient is piss

Is this an official Buc-ees statement? I was beginning to suspect something from their sausage sandwiches

D.Ork Bimboolean
Aug 26, 2016



I put the frozen french fry in microwave, 1AM




God is good and real and love me

I now have many warm fry. I top with the mayonnaise and hot sauce




Trump is my president

Please do not impreach

Doc Walrus
Jan 2, 2014




Cryin' Chris is a WASTE.


Nap Ghost

There's no reason to say "hot sauce" when you could tell us what kind of hot sauce it is, buddy, fella

also we need Plinkey to get in here to tell us how to Stromb With Aplomb

Good soup!
Nov 1, 2010







D.Ork Bimboolean
Aug 26, 2016



Doc Walrus posted:

There's no reason to say "hot sauce" when you could tell us what kind of hot sauce it is, buddy, fella

also we need Plinkey to get in here to tell us how to Stromb With Aplomb

yes




To bless our troops I have saved one butterfingers bite that a strange young person was hiding in a bag that came to my door last month. I took the offering and promised to use the food to feed my thirst for more freedom.

D.Ork Bimboolean has issued a correction as of 06:21 on Nov 25, 2018

Mariana Horchata
Jun 30, 2008



College Slice

BrutalistMcDonalds posted:

the secret ingredient is piss

piss puttanesca

Flat Daddy
Dec 3, 2014

by Nyc_Tattoo


I eat da poo poo

Flat Daddy
Dec 3, 2014

by Nyc_Tattoo


jk

Doc Walrus
Jan 2, 2014




Cryin' Chris is a WASTE.


Nap Ghost

D.Ork Bimboolean posted:

yes




Also, to bless our troops I have saved one butterfingers bite that a strange young person was hiding in a bag that came to my door last month. I took the offering and promised to use the food to feed my thirst for more freedom.

put the sriracha on the butterfingers

D.Ork Bimboolean
Aug 26, 2016



Doc Walrus posted:

put the sriracha on the butterfingers

The father has forsake me

Doc Walrus
Jan 2, 2014




Cryin' Chris is a WASTE.


Nap Ghost

D.Ork Bimboolean posted:

The father has forsake me



it's rare to see a thread receive the warmth of satan's blessing on page 1

BrutalistMcDonalds
Oct 4, 2012




Lipstick Apathy

Doc Walrus posted:

Is this an official Buc-ees statement? I was beginning to suspect something from their sausage sandwiches
they actually had a problem with metal shards in their beef jerky recently

https://twitter.com/KPRC2/status/1043208277054697472
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKh_OV_wqqA

Doc Walrus
Jan 2, 2014




Cryin' Chris is a WASTE.


Nap Ghost


I think a "Pick out all the metal shards and set aside" step would add a lot of depth to their recipes actually

Ora Tzo
Feb 26, 2016

HEEEERES TONYYYY


This thread is shocking.

Agean90
Jun 28, 2008




Pan seared chicken breasts for dummies:
1. take some chicken breasts. Try to get ones that are of an even thiccness they're easier to cook

2. Put them shits inna bowl. Put some olive oil and whatever seasonings you like on it. Flop them around til they nice and coated.

3. Stove on medium-high. This will vary depending you your particular stove and pan your using so don't be afraid to change this. Ideally

4. Add more seasonings, out the lid on. Let it cook on one side for like 5 minutes, then flipnamd cook the other side

5. Melt some cheese on that bitch

6. scoop it up on see bread

7
code:

CHICKENCHEESE

Agean90
Jun 28, 2008




Agean90 posted:

Pan seared chicken breasts for dummies:
1. take some chicken breasts. Try to get ones that are of an even thiccness they're easier to cook

2. Put them shits inna bowl. Put some olive oil and whatever seasonings you like on it. Flop them around til they nice and coated.

3. Stove on medium-high. This will vary depending you your particular stove and pan your using so don't be afraid to change this. Ideally

4. Add more seasonings, out the lid on. Let it cook on one side for like 5 minutes, then flipnamd cook the other side

5. Melt some cheese on that bitch

6. scoop it up on some bread

7
code:

CHICKENCHEESE

ur in my world now
Jun 5, 2006

Same as it ever was
Same as it ever was
Same as it ever was
Same as it ever was




Smellrose

someone repost the chickenchese where the guy shot the chicken with black pepper birdshot and cooked it on an engine block

Peanut President
Nov 5, 2008





cook chicken breast in wide pan on middle-high
take out chicken breast
in same pan roast garlic in butter on middle-low
add milk
once milk has started warming turn to middle (cold milk in real hot pan = bad)
when milk simmers add noodle-ish pasta (spaghet linguine whatever)
cook the noodles in the sauce
while they're cookin cut the chicken into as small of pieces as you're comfortable with
once noodles are al dente add a big handful of real, not canned parmesan cheese
add chicken back in

presto chango chicken alfredo or as this thread may call it Chicken Altrumpo

Peanut President
Nov 5, 2008





did you know that almost all tomato sauce sold in stores has >1 cup of sugar in it (unless you live in europe I'm sure you're laughing behind your hand at these silly americans with their sugar in which case literally gently caress your own face)

~~~~

cans of crushed tomatoes, some brands put a lot of salt get the ones that just say "tomatoes" as their only ingredient it's not more expensive it's literally just a thing some brands do and some don't
get your big pan you make chicken altrumpo in
olive oil on middle-heat
cook onions until you can almost see through them
add garlic cook until they start getting brown around the edges
add your tomatoes, be easy or you'll get covered in hot olive oil
add your spices i like:
code:
oregano
salt
pepper
sambal oelek (it's a thai hot garlic sauce, I can find it in an asian grocery here in southern indiana it for sure exists in whatever bougie hell hole you live in)
louisiana hot garlic sauce
bay leaves
basil
let it simmer until it becomes the thiccness you like

bada bing bada boom good tomato sauce (aka marxism-leninism sauce as it's red you see) for your lasagna spaghetti or my favorite

put it in a casserole pan
sauce
cooked ziti or mostaccoli or whatever little tube noodles you got (macaroni is acceptable but regrettable)
cooked hot italian sausage either uncased bulk kind or cut into discs (cutting it before cooking is easier)
mozzarella cheese
parmesan on top

mix it together, oven at 350 american degrees for 1 hour
baked ziti that is so good you can probably get people to come to your strasserite meeting in your basement

edited to make political

Peanut President has issued a correction as of 18:17 on Nov 25, 2018

crazy cloud
Nov 7, 2012

by Cyrano4747


Lipstick Apathy

Doc Walrus posted:

it's rare to see a thread receive the warmth of satan's blessing on page 1

not in cspam it's not

Peanut President
Nov 5, 2008





rice is really easy to make it's just 2 parts water to 1 cup rice
dont stir it just let it do it's thing
when you see solid holes that look like little groundhogs or antlions made them and you don't see much liquid water its done

make a bowl with sugar butter and milk for an old fashioned southern breakfast

Peanut President
Nov 5, 2008





mashed potatoe (dan quayle reference)

they're real easy so if you make them from a box or bag or what have you you're probably gonna grow up to be a republican sorry but thats how it works

peel potatoes
rinse them off
cut them into chunks
boil em in water til you can stick a fork in the middle with little resistance (like how liberals offer little resistance to wall street hey-o)
drain most of the water off
butter
pour milk until barely covered
get a potato masher (yes that's a thing you can buy, can probably find them at an estate sale if it was some old lady there's probably a boxed lot you can buy full of old rear end kitchen stuff like that its where i got mine)
just mash them
take your anger out on them
go hog wild, the more you mash the softer and fluffier they get
do it til you don't see any milk

mahed potate

Peanut President has issued a correction as of 18:42 on Nov 25, 2018

Doc Walrus
Jan 2, 2014




Cryin' Chris is a WASTE.


Nap Ghost

Peanut President posted:

mashed potatoe (dan quayle reference)

they're real easy so if you make them from a box or bag or what have you you're probably gonna grow up to be a republican sorry but thats how it works

peel potatoes
rinse them off
cut them into chunks
boil em in water til you can stick a fork in the middle with little resistance (like how liberals offer little resistance to wall street hey-o)
drain most of the water off
butter
pour milk until barely covered
get a potato masher (yes that's a thing you can buy, can probably find them at an estate sale if it was some old lady there's probably a boxed lot you can buy full of old rear end kitchen stuff like that its where i got mine)
just mash them
take your anger out on them
go hog wild, the more you mash the softer and fluffier they get
do it til you don't see any milk

mahed potate



I am loving god awful at making mashed potatoes because I struggle to identify when a potato's fully cooked and ready for a M*A*S*H marathon so I'm gonna refer to this post next time I try

Doc Walrus
Jan 2, 2014




Cryin' Chris is a WASTE.


Nap Ghost

Hope you have a big rear end frying pan with high walls because we're making:

Globalist Endgame Creamy Coconut Biryani
If Hillary Clinton's DemonRats win a single election then John Podesta and his spirit cooking satanist cabal will take our culture and many others, mix them in a godless unbaptised frying pan, and sautee them until all the values and heritage are cooked out.
With chicken, mushrooms and notes of coconut cream, lime juice, and lemongrass, this Thai twist on Indian fried rice has a knockout flavor that only the second amendment can protect our daughters from.




THE INGREDIENTS
-2 cups basmati rice
-2 cans full-fat coconut milk (DO NOT SHAKE OR STIR)
-1 pound chicken (cut into small pieces. I used chicken breast)
-however many Baby Bella mushrooms you want
-about a foot of lemongrass, cut into smaller sections
-Bay Leaves
-handful of Thai Chilis or Habaneros
-Onions (1 white, 1 yellow, 1 red)
-2 tbsp minced garlic
-2 tbsp minced ginger
-1/4 cup chopped cilantro
-Your spices: 2 tsp coriander, 1 tsp cayenne pepper, 1 tsp white pepper, salt to taste
-like at least half a cup of lime juice, I don't measure

THE RECIPE:
Basically you're throwing a bunch of poo poo in a pan on medium heat, then dumping uncooked rice over it to soak up all the juices and become incredible. If done correctly, you'll have tender fully cooked rice without adding water or broth.
Feel free to keep some chicken broth on hand to add moisture if there isn't already enough from the oil, onions, mushrooms, coconut cream and lime juice.

Start by rinsing your rice and soaking it on the counter. You only need enough water to cover the rice. Add olive oil to your pan and cook your onions, mushrooms and aromatics on medium heat.
With this much onion and mushroom, you should have enough moisture for the onions to basically liquefy. Once this happens, add the chicken and cook, stirring every few minutes.
Once the outside of the chicken is white with no raw red spots (It'll have plenty of time to fully cook as the rice cooks), open your coconut milk cans. Drain the rice and dump it in the pan.
Immediately scoop the thick white coconut cream off the top of the coconut milk onto the rice. Add your lime juice and stir. This should be enough moisture to cook the rice, which will take 15-20 minutes.
Taste it every few minutes to gauge how cooked the rice is, are the flavors strong enough, etc. Keep your coconut milk (or chicken broth if you prefer) handy in case you need more liquid for the rice.
Once the rice is tender turn off the heat and add any spices you think it needs more of. Eat!

i say swears online
Mar 4, 2005

medio de fonte leporum surgo amariter




i love cooking, usually a mix of fresh and frozen poo poo. i'll make lots of sandwiches like BLTs, chicken fried steak, grilled cheese, phillies or reubens. dinners are lots of ny strips and baked potatoes, chicken alfredo, stir fries or just a blue cheese salad. i used to make ribs a lot since they're so easy, but i realized i'm not that into the taste as much. the only pork i really buy is bacon, and that's almost as much for the grease as the meat itself. beef stew is really easy to make and super good. real-rear end chili is a lot harder to make but is probably the best thing i do. this is my favorite recipe on the planet, note the lack of beans and even tomatoes. it's the best possible topping on cornbread or fritos

Doc Walrus posted:

Globalist Endgame Creamy Coconut Biryani

whoa

i say swears online
Mar 4, 2005

medio de fonte leporum surgo amariter




hot take: roma tomatoes are the best tasting and cheapest

Yeowch!!! My Balls!!!
May 31, 2006

by Pragmatica


sous videing sounds fancy and french but it's literally just cooking meat in hot water in a ziploc bag

if you hate cleaning up after cooking meat and/or have a lovely stove that is not reliable like me: there are magic gizmos you can buy to keep water at a consistent temperature for ludicrous amounts of time

because this stuff was a fad for like a year there there are a ton of secondhand ones you can get for cheap as hell. they may not be totally precise. nobody gives a rats rear end, as long as you're above 120 degrees you're not going to give yourself food poisoning.

chicken thighs go for 165 degrees for two hours. burgs go for 135 for one hour. congratulations you have a protein that is cheap, tasty, and the cleanup consists of throwing the bag out. you can marinade these things in Literally Anything while they cook. Baby's First Trying To Be Classy is the cheapest red wine you can find and some rosemary, i personally like the juice of half a lemon, some garlic, pepper, and white wine.

the fun part comes in roast cuts- bottom round, top round, or eye of round. these are the cuts of beef that the grocer is usually going to turn into hamburger because nobody buys them otherwise. grilling them is a huge pain in the rear end, unlike sirloin. you, cheap rear end that you are, can sit and wait for them to gently caress things up and put them on sale, making three pounds of beef cost ~seven bucks. this is when you strike. feel no apprehension about freezing the hunk of beef for later; it will keep, and our cooking method will thaw it with no issues. actually improves the texture of the final product in my experience.

set your sous vide gizmo to 130 degrees. let's put Baby's First Trying To Be Classy marinade in the bag with our hunk of frozen beef, a glug or two of red wine and some rosemary. this should take you like five minutes tops. then, wander off and do something else for twenty-four hours.

at the conclusion of that time, that thing in the bigass ziploc bag is the texture and quality of medium rare filet mignon all the way through. there are three pounds of it, and it cost you seven bucks. share it with friends, it reheats okay but it's never going to be better than it is right now. also the liquid in the bag is now some extremely good red wine and rosemary gravy. put that poo poo in mashed potatoes to make it look like a crime against god but taste loving magnificent.

Sous Vide: Eat Like You Deserve To Be Guillotined

twoday
May 4, 2005




I am gonna give this thread a

Jose
Jul 24, 2007





You still want to sear stuff after cooking it sous vide

R. Guyovich
Dec 25, 1991

by Nyc_Tattoo


the only good section of the new york times is the recipe section and its free. cheers

Frumply
Dec 7, 2004










I make fresh pasta at work all day and the last time I did 30 pounds of ditalini i got a bicep injury. Luckily my job pays so poorly that I still qualify for medicaid.

Hows that for some cspam cookin~

Doc Walrus
Jan 2, 2014




Cryin' Chris is a WASTE.


Nap Ghost

Yeowch!!! My Balls!!! posted:

Sous Vide: Eat Like You Deserve To Be Guillotined

Sous vide is very good for eggs as well-- poached, soft boiled, hard boiled, whatever. My next recipe will probably be deviled eggs but I can't think of a good title for a deviled egg recipe

Frumply posted:

I make fresh pasta at work all day and the last time I did 30 pounds of ditalini i got a bicep injury. Luckily my job pays so poorly that I still qualify for medicaid.

Hows that for some cspam cookin~

Turn the bosses into spicy meatballs and feed the people

Plebian Parasite
Oct 12, 2012





I'll have something to add to this thread in the near future

The Glumslinger
Sep 24, 2008

Coach Nagy, you want me to throw to WHAT side of the field?




Hair Elf

We already had a ICSA for C-SPAM, do you not remember Battle Doritos?

get that OUT of my face
Feb 10, 2007



i just finished the last of my Globalist Cholent but you can be drat sure that i'll post it here when i make it again

jarofpiss
May 16, 2009



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Prav
Oct 29, 2011



my latest meal was last year's gingerbread cookies, dipped in coffee.

remind me later and i'll post how to make kalops

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