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gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
who cooks eggs at the temperature necessary to burn olive oil?

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gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
it's pretty hard to mess up a shrimp scampi pasta. just toss in what vaguely sounds right and don't overcook the shrimp and it usually works out.

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
the point of cheesesteaks is that you can use any garbage cut of meat if you slice it thinly. it's not like better cuts ruin it.

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
4 kaiser rolls, 12 slices hearty sandwich bread or 12 ounces store-bought plain bread crumbs (about 3 cups/340 grams); see Note
4 boneless, center-cut pork loin chops, about 1/2-inch thick (4 to 5 ounces each), fat mostly trimmed (see Note)
Kosher salt and black pepper
2 cups/about 280 grams all-purpose flour
4 to 5 large eggs, beaten with a fork just until roughly homogenous
¼ cup/60 milliliters 80-proof vodka
2 pounds lard or clarified butter, or 1 quart oil (see Note)
Lemon wedges, lingonberry jam or cranberry sauce, for serving
Add to Your Grocery List
Ingredient Substitution Guide
PREPARATION
With a chef’s knife, cut the bread (including the crusts) into 1/2- to 1-inch cubes and spread on a baking sheet in a single layer. Set them out overnight until completely dry. Alternatively, place the baking sheet in a 200-degree oven until the bread is completely dry but not browned at all, turning and stirring occasionally, about 1 hour. Transfer dried bread to a mini chopper or food processor, and process until as fine as possible, about 1 minute.
Transfer bread crumbs to a fine-mesh strainer set over a large bowl. Sift the fine crumbs into the bowl, leaving behind coarser crumbs. Discard the coarse crumbs, or process and sift again. (You can repeat this several times, but there are diminishing returns.)
Working one at a time, place a cutlet between two sheets of parchment paper or in a heavy-duty zip-top bag. Pound with a flat mallet or the bottom of a skillet or saucepan, aiming at the thickest parts with the heel of the pan. The goal is to stretch the pork cutlets to about four times their original surface area (twice as wide, twice as long) with about 1/8-inch thickness. Do not pound so aggressively that the meat tears or frays. Transfer to a large plate or tray, season lightly with salt and pepper, and repeat with remaining cutlets.
When ready to cook, heat oven to 225 degrees. Set up a breading station next to the stove with four rimmed baking sheets or dishes large enough to fit one cutlet with plenty of space around it. Leave the one farthest from the stove empty, add flour to the second, beaten eggs to the third, and the bread crumbs to the one closest to the stove. (It will seem like too many bread crumbs, and that is OK.)
Add the vodka to a small bowl. Nearby, have a pastry brush, a clean kitchen towel, a timer, a large fork or thin slotted spatula, a large plate lined with paper towels, extra paper towels, a cooling rack set in a rimmed sheet pan, a fine-mesh fat skimmer in a small saucepan or heatproof bowl, and an instant-read thermometer.
When ready to cook, heat the lard in a large wok, Dutch oven or deep, steep-walled sauté pan over medium-high until it registers 375 to 400 degrees on the instant-read thermometer. Adjust flame to maintain that temperature throughout the cooking process.
Working one at a time, place a cutlet in the empty rimmed baking sheet. Brush the meat with vodka, completely covering both sides with a thin layer. Immediately transfer the cutlet to the flour. Gently shake the baking sheet. Then, using your fingertips, pick up the cutlet from one edge and flip it over. Shake the baking sheet again to coat the second side with flour. Pick up the cutlet with your fingertips, shake gently to knock off excess flour, then inspect to ensure that there is a thin, even layer of flour across the whole cutlet. If necessary, re-dredge it to cover up any un-floured spots, but be careful not to fold the cutlet, which can cause the flour to bunch.
Lay the cutlet onto the eggs. Shake the baking sheet gently. Using your fingertips, pick up the cutlet from one edge and flip it over. Pick up the cutlet with your fingertips, allowing excess egg to drain for a few seconds, then inspect to ensure that the cutlet is thoroughly coated. If necessary, dip the cutlet back into the egg to cover any dry spots.
Transfer the cutlet to the bread crumbs. Using your fingers, scoop crumbs from around the cutlet and pile them on top, completely covering the cutlet. Do not press on the crumbs or cutlet at any point. Shake the baking sheet for a few seconds. Then, using your fingertips, pick up the cutlet from one edge, flip it, and return it to the bread crumbs. Shake the baking sheet, then pick up the cutlet with your fingertips and gently shake off excess crumbs, being careful not to fold or crease the cutlet.
Carefully lay the cutlet onto the hot fat, starting near you and draping it away from you to avoid accidentally splashing yourself with hot oil. As fast as you can, wipe your fingers clean on the kitchen towel. Then, start swirling the pan, allowing the fat to splash over and around the cutlet for exactly 30 seconds. Using the fork or a thin, slotted spatula, pick up the cutlet from one edge and carefully flip it, being careful not to splash hot fat. Continue to cook, swirling. The cutlet should start to puff and inflate. Keep cooking while swirling until the cutlet is golden brown and crisp, about 1 to 1 1/2 minutes.
Using the fork or slotted spatula, pick up the cutlet from one edge and transfer to the paper towel-lined plate. Blot the top very gently with an extra paper towel, then transfer to the rack on the rimmed baking sheet and transfer to the oven to keep warm. Use the fine-mesh strainer to skim off the foam and remove as many stray bread crumbs from the fat as possible.
Reheat the fat to 375 to 400 degrees and repeat Steps 7 to 11 for the remaining cutlets.
Serve cutlets immediately with lemon wedges, lingonberry jam or cranberry sauce.
Tips
Store-bought canned plain bread crumbs work well here and eliminate the time it takes for the bread to dry. (If using them, skip Step 1.) For homemade crumbs, kaiser rolls are the traditional choice, and if you have a local bakery or supermarket that bakes them fresh, use them. Don’t use shelf-stable bagged kaiser rolls; they’ll be too soft. Any hearty white sandwich bread with a fine hole structure will also work. (But don’t use sourdough, baguettes, any other rustic, crusty breads, or brioche.)
The more uniform the pork loin chops, the better the coating will puff. This recipe will also work with veal, chicken breast, turkey breast, or pork sirloin cutlets. If using chicken or turkey, take time to gently pound them out to avoid tearing the more delicate meat.
Lard or clarified butter will give the pork better flavor, but oil will also work fine. After frying, allow the fat to sit until cool enough to handle, then pour it through a fine-mesh strainer lined with paper towels or a coffee filter into a bowl. Transfer to a container to store for future use. The same fat can be used for several dozen fries until it becomes too dark and starts to develop a fishy aroma.

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007

poo poo POST MALONE posted:

god dammit I grated a block of gruyere and forgot to put it in a recipe. what the hell do I do with a bunch of grated gruyere?

quiche

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
mapo tofu is completely piss easy to make. love that stuff.

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
i'm sure insect protein could be processed into an adequately meat-like form once there is an incentive to do so. give it a decade or two.

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
follow your heart so you can murder it with carnitas

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
drink the butter and then eat the corn.

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
i grew a bunch of hot peppers but now i don't really know what to do with them other than drying them for future use. i can use maybe one fresh pepper a week for cooking, but i'm hitting the limits of my repertoire here.

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
yeah there are approximately 800 million hot sauce recipes online to the extent that they drown out any other possible use for hot peppers.

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
my brother has a dehydrator that i've used for some of them.

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
i'd check it after 3 to 4 hours. beef doesn't necessarily get better with longer cook times.

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
yeah, it is officially soup season.

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
maybe if you bought a noodle cutter?

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
so does anyone actually eat condensed cream of mushroom soup, or is it exclusively for use in terrible recipes?

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
the hot dish of my youth

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
a problem you can put up your rear end isn't a problem at all

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
doesn't look like the best sear but that happens sometimes. the potato looks completely perfect, though.

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
any wellington can be a burrito if you pick it up with your hands and eat it from one end.

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
that's woody chicken breast and it's everywhere in the us. the stripes, i mean. i dunno wtf is up with the gray chicken.

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
that's just a crazy idiot, but it's gonna suck when the magical endless supply of cheap mexican produce dries up. i don't think i'd want to live in a world with expensive onions.

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
if one person ate that whole thing their farts would cause them to either explode or reach orbit

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
rice pudding exists, yes

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
some people take "a hot dog is a sandwich" very seriously, is all

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
i've never found a baked wing method that matched up to deep frying. i'd really prefer otherwise, because deep frying is a pain in the rear end.

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
so it doesn't stink up the place before you fill the jar.

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
it's a messy hassle and i don't want to deal with it.

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
i tried the kenji double frying method once and it was an unholy nightmare. the skin turned into glue and i ended up with these horrible gummy wing clusters no matter how much i tried to separate them. i don't quite know what went wrong, but it was bad enough i'm not inclined to try it again.

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007

Weembles posted:

Sounds like the oil got too cool. Perhaps you added in too much at once or didn't let it heat all the way back up between rounds.

i used a thermometer. trying to deep fry without one of those or a deep fryer sounds like a real bad time.

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
i just hope it stays cool for a week or two around here. this apocalyptic global heat wave is interfering with soup season.

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
any halfway decent chili freezes well.

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
it's rather unlikely that any particular chili recipe is going to exactly conform to your preference for heat. it's best to err on the side of caution the first time you use a recipe and then adjust it as needed in the future. it's very easy to go hotter even with finished chili, after all.

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
quick pickles are good and simple but it's not really something you can sell commercially. they have to be refrigerated and only last a couple months.

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
i've gotten good results slicing it into steaks, browning those top and bottom, then cubing that. it gets the best parts of browning while not overcooking the beef.

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007

hifi posted:

Over cooked beef in chili? Are you worried it might be medium well. Cubes? You want cubes in your chili???

if you overcook your beef in any kind of stew it turns dry and stringy despite the liquid surrounding it. there's this idea that stewed beef is better the longer you cook it but that's not true. there's a sweet spot where it is fully cooked but still juicy and tender.

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
amateur chili cookoffs are a really bad idea in general. the heat level of chili varies so wildly that a bunch of people with different tolerances who share an office aren't going to agree. the blandest one wins because that's the one everyone can eat. pretty much any other kind of food would be better!

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
i don't get why some dumbasses online pull this chili purist crap at every opportunity. yes, we get it. you have personal preferences for this incredibly broad category of stew. congratulations.

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
since most cheesecake recipes use a springform pan so you'll end up with a bunch of extra filling when using a pie pan. oh, the horror.

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gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
i like steak sauce for fries. it's certainly no good for steak.

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