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lofi
Apr 2, 2018






Disappointed the thread isn't called "Stay awhile, and listen".

Interested to see where this goes, though.

Not related to your fic, I just found this amazing... thing... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7HfmB4r2Fco

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lofi
Apr 2, 2018






I think you could do with focusing on how you format your writing - there's a lot of long, comma divided, sentences and no paragraphs. That makes for a difficult wall of text, and the eye just kind of slides off after a bit.

Writing-wise, I think there's just too much of it. Too wordy, too detail-focused. Take the first chunk:

quote:

A swirling mass of bodies and what’s usually hidden by their fleshy outside, running here and there, trying to gain a hill that is well defended, but struggling. The top is obscured from here, but one can see sharpened stakes jutting out to prevent even the most adventurous of monsters from trying to scale it, so they try for the main entrance. Even that is up a winding path currently blocked by some boulders that were hastily rolled onto it. Behind those rocks, and behind wooden palisades further up, the defenders, mostly human women, make their stand.
You just don't need all that detail, and it actually makes the important bits harder to pick out. I reckon you could easilt hack it down to

quote:

A swirling mass of bodies struggling to gain a well-defended hill. They swarm up a winding path part-blocked by boulders. Behind those rocks, and behind wooden palisades further up, the defenders make their stand.
Simpler, faster to read, and lets you get to the (emotionally) important bits without getting bogged down.

lofi
Apr 2, 2018






True dat. Thunderdome might be a good way of sharpening your writing with a hard word limit to guide you, if you're up for extra writing?

lofi
Apr 2, 2018






I completely agree with your thinking here. I like the idea of the golem hiding its sentience, that could lead to interesting areas of guilt and self-doubt for the golem - "what's wrong with me, is it something I did wrong", etc. Time to reread Frankenstein for inspiration?

lofi
Apr 2, 2018






Simply Simon posted:

Haha that assumes I read it in the first place

Research! Though if I recall it's not actually very good - it's been copied so many times that it feels really derivative, even if it was the original.

Good luck with the writing! I try and read along to Thunderdome every so often but just can't keep up.

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lofi
Apr 2, 2018






I did a vampire bit? Huh, I thought all I'd done was the were-newt one. Thanks anyway!

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