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Disappointed the thread isn't called "Stay awhile, and listen".  Interested to see where this goes, though. Not related to your fic, I just found this amazing... thing... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7HfmB4r2Fco
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Dec 27, 2018 00:04
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| # ¿ Apr 22, 2021 18:58 |
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I think you could do with focusing on how you format your writing - there's a lot of long, comma divided, sentences and no paragraphs. That makes for a difficult wall of text, and the eye just kind of slides off after a bit. Writing-wise, I think there's just too much of it. Too wordy, too detail-focused. Take the first chunk: quote:A swirling mass of bodies and what’s usually hidden by their fleshy outside, running here and there, trying to gain a hill that is well defended, but struggling. The top is obscured from here, but one can see sharpened stakes jutting out to prevent even the most adventurous of monsters from trying to scale it, so they try for the main entrance. Even that is up a winding path currently blocked by some boulders that were hastily rolled onto it. Behind those rocks, and behind wooden palisades further up, the defenders, mostly human women, make their stand. quote:A swirling mass of bodies struggling to gain a well-defended hill. They swarm up a winding path part-blocked by boulders. Behind those rocks, and behind wooden palisades further up, the defenders make their stand.
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Jan 8, 2019 18:53
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True dat. Thunderdome might be a good way of sharpening your writing with a hard word limit to guide you, if you're up for extra writing?
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Jan 8, 2019 20:15
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I completely agree with your thinking here. I like the idea of the golem hiding its sentience, that could lead to interesting areas of guilt and self-doubt for the golem - "what's wrong with me, is it something I did wrong", etc. Time to reread Frankenstein for inspiration?
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Apr 4, 2019 12:04
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Simply Simon posted:Haha that assumes I read it in the first place Research!  Though if I recall it's not actually very good - it's been copied so many times that it feels really derivative, even if it was the original.Good luck with the writing! I try and read along to Thunderdome every so often but just can't keep up. 
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May 11, 2019 18:54
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| # ¿ Apr 22, 2021 18:58 |
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I did a vampire bit? Huh, I thought all I'd done was the were-newt one. Thanks anyway! 
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May 11, 2019 22:49
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