Register a SA Forums Account here!
JOINING THE SA FORUMS WILL REMOVE THIS BIG AD, THE ANNOYING UNDERLINED ADS, AND STUPID INTERSTITIAL ADS!!!

You can: log in, read the tech support FAQ, or request your lost password. This dumb message (and those ads) will appear on every screen until you register! Get rid of this crap by registering your own SA Forums Account and joining roughly 150,000 Goons, for the one-time price of $9.95! We charge money because it costs us money per month for bills, and since we don't believe in showing ads to our users, we try to make the money back through forum registrations.
 
  • Post
  • Reply
Blazing Ownager
Jun 2, 2007

by FactsAreUseless
No thread can be complete without the story of when God sent down two bears to murder scores of children for calling a guy bald:

(2 Kings 2:23-25)
23 Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up by the way, young lads came out from the city and mocked him and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead; go up, you baldhead!” 24 When he looked behind him and saw them, he cursed them in the name of the LORD. Then two female bears came out of the woods and tore up forty-two lads of their number. 25 And he went from there to Mount Carmel, and from there he returned to Samaria.

Grevling posted:

Aren't there a bunch of giants and dragons in some books that didn't end up in the catholic bible?

You're speaking of the Watchers and the Nephilim from the Book of Enoch. That book is pretty amusing is it tries to explain away a lot of the 'heroes of old' as being half-Watcher hybrids.

Book of Revelations only got past the Council of Trent, but not Enoch.

Blazing Ownager fucked around with this message at 00:43 on Jan 2, 2019

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

Lime Tonics
Nov 7, 2015

by FactsAreUseless
On divorce,

Luke 16:18

“Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery."

1 Corinthians 7:11-13


11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her.
13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him.

https://www.biblestudytools.com/topical-verses/bible-verses-about-slavery/

the bible, a book about murder, slavery, adultery, wars, etc.

it ends with the end of the world at least.

Blazing Ownager
Jun 2, 2007

by FactsAreUseless

Lime Tonics posted:

Judges 16
1 One day Samson went to Gaza, where he saw a prostitute. He went in to spend the night with her. 2 The people of Gaza were told, “Samson is here!” So they surrounded the place and lay in wait for him all night at the city gate. They made no move during the night, saying, “At dawn we’ll kill him.” 3 But Samson lay there only until the middle of the night. Then he got up and took hold of the doors of the city gate, together with the two posts, and tore them loose, bar and all. He lifted them to his shoulders and carried them to the top of the hill that faces Hebron. 4 Some time later, he fell in love with a woman in the Valley of Sorek whose name was Delilah. 5 The rulers of the Philistines went to her and said, “See if you can lure him into showing you the secret of his great strength and how we can overpower him so we may tie him up and subdue him. Each one of us will give you eleven hundred shekels of silver.” 6 So Delilah said to Samson, “Tell me the secret of your great strength and how you can be tied up and subdued.” 7 Samson answered her, “If anyone ties me with seven fresh bowstrings that have not been dried, I’ll become as weak as any other man.” 8 Then the rulers of the Philistines brought her seven fresh bowstrings that had not been dried, and she tied him with them. 9 With men hidden in the room, she called to him, “Samson, the Philistines are upon you!” But he snapped the bowstrings as easily as a piece of string snaps when it comes close to a flame. So the secret of his strength was not discovered. 10 Then Delilah said to Samson, “You have made a fool of me; you lied to me. Come now, tell me how you can be tied.” 11 He said, “If anyone ties me securely with new ropes that have never been used, I’ll become as weak as any other man.” 12 So Delilah took new ropes and tied him with them. Then, with men hidden in the room, she called to him, “Samson, the Philistines are upon you!” But he snapped the ropes off his arms as if they were threads. 13 Delilah then said to Samson, “All this time you have been making a fool of me and lying to me. Tell me how you can be tied.” He replied, “If you weave the seven braids of my head into the fabric on the loom and tighten it with the pin, I’ll become as weak as any other man.” So while he was sleeping, Delilah took the seven braids of his head, wove them into the fabric 14 and tightened it with the pin. Again she called to him, “Samson, the Philistines are upon you!” He awoke from his sleep and pulled up the pin and the loom, with the fabric. 15 Then she said to him, “How can you say, ‘I love you,’ when you won’t confide in me? This is the third time you have made a fool of me and haven’t told me the secret of your great strength.” 16 With such nagging she prodded him day after day until he was sick to death of it. 17 So he told her everything. “No razor has ever been used on my head,” he said, “because I have been a Nazirite dedicated to God from my mother’s womb. If my head were shaved, my strength would leave me, and I would become as weak as any other man.” 18 When Delilah saw that he had told her everything, she sent word to the rulers of the Philistines, “Come back once more; he has told me everything.” So the rulers of the Philistines returned with the silver in their hands. 19 After putting him to sleep on her lap, she called for someone to shave off the seven braids of his hair, and so began to subdue him. And his strength left him. 20 Then she called, “Samson, the Philistines are upon you!” He awoke from his sleep and thought, “I’ll go out as before and shake myself free.” But he did not know that the LORD had left him. 21 Then the Philistines seized him, gouged out his eyes and took him down to Gaza. Binding him with bronze shackles, they set him to grinding grain in the prison. 22 But the hair on his head began to grow again after it had been shaved. 23 Now the rulers of the Philistines assembled to offer a great sacrifice to Dagon their god and to celebrate, saying, “Our god has delivered Samson, our enemy, into our hands.” 24 When the people saw him, they praised their god, saying, “Our god has delivered our enemy into our hands, the one who laid waste our land and multiplied our slain.” 25 While they were in high spirits, they shouted, “Bring out Samson to entertain us.” So they called Samson out of the prison, and he performed for them. When they stood him among the pillars, 26 Samson said to the servant who held his hand, “Put me where I can feel the pillars that support the temple, so that I may lean against them.” 27 Now the temple was crowded with men and women; all the rulers of the Philistines were there, and on the roof were about three thousand men and women watching Samson perform. 28 Then Samson prayed to the LORD, “Sovereign LORD, remember me. Please, God, strengthen me just once more, and let me with one blow get revenge on the Philistines for my two eyes.” 29 Then Samson reached toward the two central pillars on which the temple stood. Bracing himself against them, his right hand on the one and his left hand on the other, 30 Samson said, “Let me die with the Philistines!” Then he pushed with all his might, and down came the temple on the rulers and all the people in it. Thus he killed many more when he died than while he lived. 31 Then his brothers and his father’s whole family went down to get him. They brought him back and buried him between Zorah and Eshtaol in the tomb of Manoah his father. He had led Israel twenty years.

the bible.

You didn't even get to the part where he lays waste to 1,000 people with the bone of an rear end like he was loving Kratos.

Someone should just make a full on God of War out of Samson. Complete with hooker minigames.

Blazing Ownager
Jun 2, 2007

by FactsAreUseless

Lime Tonics posted:

it ends with the end of the world at least.

A loooooot of scholars believe Revelations was almost entirely coded language for early Christians fighting the Romans, hilariously.

lol but
Feb 24, 2007

body is a dinosaur
Slippery Tilde

Blazing Ownager posted:

A loooooot of scholars believe Revelations was almost entirely coded language for early Christians fighting the Romans, hilariously.

p.sure that the entire field of theology is people not being able to believe that this poo poo is as weird as it seems

Lime Tonics
Nov 7, 2015

by FactsAreUseless
The bible is a rehashed gilgimesh, with slightly altered heroes.

but jesus this and jesus that, and i tell the fat manager haircut lady in front of me, you'd kill jesus, and his man chud wife would butt in saying, I HAVE A WEAPON IM BETTER THAN YOU. so i gave up on church.

Lime Tonics
Nov 7, 2015

by FactsAreUseless
Jezebel [N] [H] [S]

chaste, the daughter of Ethbaal, the king of the Zidonians, and the wife of Ahab, the king of Israel ( 1 Kings 16:31 ). This was the "first time that a king of Israel had allied himself by marriage with a heathen princess; and the alliance was in this case of a peculiarly disastrous kind. Jezebel has stamped her name on history as the representative of all that is designing, crafty, malicious, revengeful, and cruel. She is the first great instigator of persecution against the saints of God. Guided by no principle, restrained by no fear of either God or man, passionate in her attachment to her heathen worship, she spared no pains to maintain idolatry around her in all its splendour. Four hundred and fifty prophets ministered under her care to Baal, besides four hundred prophets of the groves [RSV, 'prophets of the Asherah'], which ate at her table ( 1 Kings 18:19 ). The idolatry, too, was of the most debased and sensual kind." Her conduct was in many respects very disastrous to the kingdom both of Israel and Judah ( 21:1-29 ). At length she came to an untimely end. As Jehu rode into the gates of Jezreel, she looked out at the window of the palace, and said, "Had Zimri peace, who slew his master?" He looked up and called to her chamberlains, who instantly threw her from the window, so that she was dashed in pieces on the street, and his horses trod her under their feet. She was immediately consumed by the dogs of the street ( 2 Kings 9:7-37 ), according to the word of Elijah the Tishbite ( 1 Kings 21:19 ).

Her name afterwards came to be used as the synonym for a wicked woman ( Revelation 2: : 20 ).

more bible. its loosly translated cause theres like 57439657943534 bibles.

Kazak
Jan 10, 2012

This is a good thread and I'd like to read more goons elaborating on the ancient tribulations and retcons that inspired the Bible/the books left on the cutting room floor

pseudanonymous
Aug 30, 2008

When you make the second entry and the debits and credits balance, and you blow them to hell.
There's a good youtube video that is one of the bible stories where this guy wants to marry the king's daughter so the king sends him to collect dick tips. sadly I can't find it (all my searches for dick tips are just how to make my dick bigger sadly).

I just love how insane the bible is, and how they can read the words there and come up with what they call Christianity.

Pennywise the Frown
May 10, 2010

Upset Trowel
I've tried reading the bible a few times before. I usually get bored very quickly. Especially Genesis. This last time I went straight to the new testament. I read just a couple of the apostles' accounts of whatever.

I read Mathew and remember thinking... "Hey this Jesus dude is pretty cool. How are people seriously loving this poo poo up?"

Colonel Cancer
Sep 26, 2015

Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon

King Lazer posted:

I'm sure it's fine bread. It's just funny to me that they point to this Bible verse as if that's some kind of divine guidance for their company when the context is so weird.

Ezekiel 4:3-13

Verse 9 is the part they print on the package (minus the bit about lying on his side for over a year).

I wonder if they bake it with human poo poo for fuel though.

evilmiera
Dec 14, 2009

Status: Ravenously Rambunctious

Pennywise the Frown posted:

I've tried reading the bible a few times before. I usually get bored very quickly. Especially Genesis. This last time I went straight to the new testament. I read just a couple of the apostles' accounts of whatever.

I read Mathew and remember thinking... "Hey this Jesus dude is pretty cool. How are people seriously loving this poo poo up?"

If the Bible bored you, don't read the Book of Mormon, or worse, the Koran.

I've mentioned it in another thread, but I once read a phone book when I had nothing else to do, and would rather repeat that than try to read the Koran in one go again. Like the Bible, it has some crazy stories, like smacking a dead guy with beef to ressurect him, but it's all bracketed with constant threats of hellfire and calling nonbelievers stupid. And it just keeps repeating itself over and over.

Pennywise the Frown
May 10, 2010

Upset Trowel
I bought a Koran with the intention of reading it sometime. It's a lot shorter than the bible, but man it's going to take a long time to read it because I'll probably just fall asleep each time.

Doesn't help that I read every night before bed so I guess that's sort of an association.

TheMostFrench
Jul 12, 2009

Stop for me, it's the claw!



King Lazer posted:

I'm sure it's fine bread. It's just funny to me that they point to this Bible verse as if that's some kind of divine guidance for their company when the context is so weird.

Ezekiel 4:3-13

Verse 9 is the part they print on the package (minus the bit about lying on his side for over a year).

When I see these stories about people who stayed in one place for hundreds of days I always wonder where they went to poo poo. I can't even lay down on my side for an hour without my arm going dead.

Pennywise the Frown posted:

I bought a Koran with the intention of reading it sometime. It's a lot shorter than the bible, but man it's going to take a long time to read it because I'll probably just fall asleep each time.

Doesn't help that I read every night before bed so I guess that's sort of an association.

I bought a Koran when there was lots of Muslim immigration fear in the news, so that I could screenshot passages at people who misquoted it.

Pennywise the Frown
May 10, 2010

Upset Trowel
The past few years I've become interested in religion as a whole. It's just insane what some books (that people don't read) can lead them to do... or not do. I picked up a Bible, the Koran, I Ching, Tao de Ching, a few other things. I read Buddhist stuff almost daily now.

My conclusion is that Buddhism and most Eastern poo poo is very good and not all about punishment and hell and sinning and everything that's terrible in the world. Of course you can find some stuff but it isn't the basis of a religion unlike the others that are lead by fear. It's basically the poo poo Jesus said, but 500+ years before that. I'm greatly simplifying this but I'm tired right now. Also probably 75% of Christians have no business calling themselves Christian. At least 75%. Going to Church does not make you Christian. Acting like Christ does. Almost no one does that. And if those chuds say we're a Christian nation then holy poo poo they're right if they are referring to modern Christianity which is basically the polar opposite of what Jesus teaches.

poisonpill
Nov 8, 2009

The only way to get huge fast is to insult a passing witch and hope she curses you with Beast-strength.


Ancient non-Abrahamic religions were absolutely wild. Those people were having wild orgies for the gods, had no prohibitions against bestiality or other sexual mores, and would just kill each other for no reason. Like, just all the prohibitions in the Bible itself should tell you what they were up against. Moses climbs a mountain and by the time he gets back people are committing blood rites to a bronze calf.

Pennywise the Frown
May 10, 2010

Upset Trowel
I somehow doubt that the lack of presence of one man was the cause of a societal breakdown.


That's another good point. A lot of this poo poo that "happened" in these religious texts just didn't happen and you should know it. Did the Buddha literally have a Ceremony in the Sky? Uh, no, that's impossible. So it didn't happen. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out if something is or isn't physically possible. Even at the time these texts were written, similes and parables are used to help people understand a concept. So a lot of the poo poo at the time was literally made up and they knew it. It was just to express an idea.

Some people take this stuff literally and they are very dumb.

Pennywise the Frown fucked around with this message at 08:30 on Jan 2, 2019

Yolomon Wayne
Jun 10, 2014

You call it "The Big Bang", but what really happened is
Grimey Drawer
I will never be not astonished by how guillable people are.

"god exists"
- says who
"This book"
- who wrote it
"some guy who was inspired by god"
- so its really just some guy and his pinky swear about it?
"no its the unshakable word of god"
- a dude wrote it. He put in whatever he wanted. Actually a bunch of dudes, centuries apart.
"the book says god did it"

repeat until shotgun.

Michaellaneous
Oct 30, 2013

Yolomon Wayne posted:

I will never be not astonished by how guillable people are.

"god exists"
- says who
"This book"
- who wrote it
"some guy who was inspired by god"
- so its really just some guy and his pinky swear about it?
"no its the unshakable word of god"
- a dude wrote it. He put in whatever he wanted. Actually a bunch of dudes, centuries apart.
"the book says god did it"

repeat until shotgun.

Treading real new ground here, my dude.

Prawned
Oct 25, 2010

I went to a christian school and we had to go to church three times a week and say prayers all the time etc. Then in my final year I was being confirmed cause that's what you do, so I was like cool I better read the bible then cause it's pretty weak to be a christian and base your whole life on this book and not even have read it surely? So now I'm atheist. Also hundreds of pages of just lists and numbers of people.

The new testament was almost as bad but lacked the je ne sais quoi that the old boys captured. What is pretty interesting is how many of the stories and events in the old testament are almost identical to existing mythologies from other cultures (egyptian, greek, etc).

I want to give the quran or torah a go to see how they compare, but I can't do that to myself again.

Galaxander
Aug 12, 2009

Colonel Cancer posted:

I wonder if they bake it with human poo poo for fuel though.

Well in the verse after the one I stopped at Ezekiel is shocked at God's command to do that, so God relents and says he can bake it over livestock poop instead. I know that still sounds kinda gross, but using cow chips for fuel was a normal thing for very long time probably including North American pioneer/settler/colonizer times.


pseudanonymous posted:

There's a good youtube video that is one of the bible stories where this guy wants to marry the king's daughter so the king sends him to collect dick tips. sadly I can't find it (all my searches for dick tips are just how to make my dick bigger sadly).

I just love how insane the bible is, and how they can read the words there and come up with what they call Christianity.

Saul was king and was pressuring David to marry his daughter Michal because David was so popular that Saul was worried he'd lose the kingship. He thought it would kind of put him closer to David in people's minds, plus he planned to get Michal to...idk give David bad advice or kill him in his sleep or something. David kept saying he wasn't good enough to be son-in-law to a king even though they kept asking him to do it. Finally they said he could earn it by killing 100 Phillistines (and bringing in their foreskins as proof). Saul figured David would be killed before being able to kill 100 guys.

But he did kill 100 guys and married her, but it turned out she loved him and wouldn't be s snare or w/e. So David did an impressive heroic thing and moved up in station, and basically Saul's plan backfired big-time.

Later on David (now king) was dancing in the street parade where they were bringing back the ark of the covenant. Michal saw him from a window and told him he'd made a fool of himself dancing like that, and David never slept with her again.

Captain Jesus
Feb 26, 2009

What's wrong with you? You don't even have your beer goggles on!!

Yolomon Wayne posted:

I will never be not astonished by how guillable people are.

"god exists"
- says who
"This book"
- who wrote it
"some guy who was inspired by god"
- so its really just some guy and his pinky swear about it?
"no its the unshakable word of god"
- a dude wrote it. He put in whatever he wanted. Actually a bunch of dudes, centuries apart.
"the book says god did it"

repeat until shotgun.

If you actually think people are religious because they are guillable and believe in god thanks to some dumb tautology you are dumber than the fantasy person you are describing.

Halser
Aug 24, 2016

pseudanonymous posted:

There's a good youtube video that is one of the bible stories where this guy wants to marry the king's daughter so the king sends him to collect dick tips. sadly I can't find it (all my searches for dick tips are just how to make my dick bigger sadly).

I just love how insane the bible is, and how they can read the words there and come up with what they call Christianity.

A shame there are so few of these bible history videos

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bar3GOzDNzg

evilmiera
Dec 14, 2009

Status: Ravenously Rambunctious

Captain Jesus posted:

If you actually think people are religious because they are guillable and believe in god thanks to some dumb tautology you are dumber than the fantasy person you are describing.

If I wasn't phoneposting, I'd link you up with a few videos proving that yes, there are some people who just are that stupid. Never underestimate people who want to believe in something.

As for people pondering reading the aforementioned books, don't, unless you feel too excited about life and need to tone it down.

Kazak
Jan 10, 2012

King Lazer posted:

Well in the verse after the one I stopped at Ezekiel is shocked at God's command to do that, so God relents and says he can bake it over livestock poop instead. I know that still sounds kinda gross, but using cow chips for fuel was a normal thing for very long time probably including North American pioneer/settler/colonizer times.



God is simultaneously a no nonsense prick to work with and an impulsive catty bitch

gary oldmans diary
Sep 26, 2005
is new testament basically god and holy spirits bogus journey?

SardonicTyrant
Feb 26, 2016

BTICH IM A NEWT
熱くなれ夢みた明日を
必ずいつかつかまえる
走り出せ振り向くことなく
&



If you want to read the bible, I'd legit recommend reading Isaac Asimov's Guide to the Bible alongside it.

Kazak
Jan 10, 2012

SardonicTyrant posted:

If you want to read the bible, I'd legit recommend reading Isaac Asimov's Guide to the Bible alongside it.

Do I need the Bible to read the guide?

Prawned
Oct 25, 2010

Kazak posted:

Do I need the Bible to read the guide?

Don't buy the bible, you're playing right into the hands of Big Bible.

Blazing Ownager
Jun 2, 2007

by FactsAreUseless

Some lesser known "what the fucks" from that include Mohammad splitting the moon in two (then fixing it), and the fact that it refers to literal Djinn as a race.

Kazak
Jan 10, 2012

Prawned posted:

Don't buy the bible, you're playing right into the hands of Big Bible.

I own several, Bibles that is, none paid for

Yolomon Wayne
Jun 10, 2014

You call it "The Big Bang", but what really happened is
Grimey Drawer

Captain Jesus posted:

If you actually think people are religious because they are guillable and believe in god thanks to some dumb tautology you are dumber than the fantasy person you are describing.

I have talked to 2 of these fantasy persons last month, but ok.

SardonicTyrant
Feb 26, 2016

BTICH IM A NEWT
熱くなれ夢みた明日を
必ずいつかつかまえる
走り出せ振り向くことなく
&



Kazak posted:

Do I need the Bible to read the guide?
Not really.

Lacey
Jul 10, 2001

Guess where this lollipop's going?

Prawned posted:

Don't buy the bible, you're playing right into the hands of Big Bible.
Only suckers pay for bibles instead of getting them free for perfect attendance at wednesday-night church

Lutha Mahtin
Oct 10, 2010

Your brokebrain sin is absolved...go and shitpost no more!

SardonicTyrant posted:

If you want to read the bible, I'd legit recommend reading Isaac Asimov's Guide to the Bible alongside it.

there are a lot of readable guides written by actual religion scholars too. imo the most important thing to keep in mind is that any guide or commentary on a sacred text will bring along with it the author's viewpoint and any agenda they have. the same is true for any edition of the Bible: the choice of which manuscripts to use, and the choices that must be made when translating language, mean that the final product will never be 100% free of bias and opinion

if anyone wants a recommendation for an English language Bible i will suggest the "New Oxford Annotated Bible". make sure you get the third edition or newer. it's a study bible with annotations which means that like half of each page is footnotes explaining things like notes on the translation, cross-references between different books, and so on. i recommend the third edition or newer because the annotations were made by a broader ecumenical group of scholars. it has input from scholars who are Protestant, Catholic, and Jewish, as well as non religious scholars too. it's also the bible that lots of entry level college classes make students buy so you can get a used copy for really cheap

Gutter Phoenix
Jul 23, 2013

I preferred your last avatar, so I put it back. My apologies to the pedo who purchased your last one (it's always projection).
This is a fascinating topic to me, particularly due to the tremendous impact the "Big 3" monotheist religions have had on world history. All three have standardized holy texts (plus a bunch of ancillary material of varying merit), while most major polytheist faiths are a bit more loose with what constitutes "scripture" or "holy writ" or whatever you want to call it.

The Koran refers to Christians and Jews as "People of the Book," which is an apt description. Written language and the adoption of lightweight writing materials such as papyrus and vellum definitely helped spread ancient Christianity. Judaism generally doesn't push it's adherents to proselytize, but I doubt it would even still exist if it weren't for the use of written texts. Mohammed's schizophrenic conversations with Allah were written down shortly after he died, and since they were considered to be actual revelations from God, only the 7th century CE Arabic version is considered authentic by true believers. Unfortunately (in my opinion), this has locked the Arabic language and culture into the the distant past, and continues to hamper any attempts to modernize the faith.

Written holy texts also led to crackpot concepts like "word magic" and numerology. The accessibility of the holy texts to anyone who could read them led to amateur theologians creating all sorts of bizarre religious splinter groups based on their interpretations.

In short, this topic is a deep vein of both hilarity and horror, as well as competing historical interpretations. I don't even know where to begin...

In the beginning, a small group of nomadic shepherds in the middle/ancient near east used the Phoenician alphabet as a template for a written language of their own, which they used to write down their history, poetry, and verse. As these sources from their oral traditions were compiled into written texts over the course of a thousand years, scribes tried to smooth over glaring contradictions in the material. The best example of this is the Book of Genesis, which begins with two entirely different and utterly irreconcilable Creation narratives. The first has the god Elohim brooding over a shapeless mass like a supernatural hen over a very large egg. Elohim is much closer to the modern concept of God, and is the culmination of the long move towards a singular, all-encompassing God.

The second version of Creation is probably about a thousand years older, and features an anthropomorphic war god named Yahweh (Jehovah). In it, Yahweh is just one of the many gods, but he's the best and most powerful god and could totally kick your god's rear end. Yahweh is petty, violent, and not all-knowing like later versions of God. (When Adam and Eve cover their genitals in shame after accepting the gift of knowledge from a serpent, Yahweh scolds them and asks, "Who told you that you were naked?")

Centuries of critical biblical scholarship and linguistic study have started to unravel the who, what, when, why, where of scriptural authorship, and the full extent of just how much of a mishmash of material the Old Testament is. The fundamentalist belief is that Moses wrote the Book of Genesis (as well as the next four books), but non-denominational scholars estimate that it was written by countless authors over the course of more than a millennium.

This is a good source for the earliest stories, and includes details on a lot of the characters and material that were excised from the standardized text:

Colonel Cancer
Sep 26, 2015

Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon

Gutter Phoenix posted:

This is a fascinating topic to me, particularly due to the tremendous impact the "Big 3" monotheist religions have had on world history. All three have standardized holy texts (plus a bunch of ancillary material of varying merit), while most major polytheist faiths are a bit more loose with what constitutes "scripture" or "holy writ" or whatever you want to call it.

This is honestly pretty fascinating especially if you consider organized religion, monotheism especially, as a vehicle for spreading a culture far and wide with only relatively minor mutation.

Lutha Mahtin
Oct 10, 2010

Your brokebrain sin is absolved...go and shitpost no more!

theres a few threads in a/t about religions that are pretty good. dont worry there are plenty of funny hat pictures and posts about old debates where theologians and scholars spent most of their time insulting their opponents' intellect and appearance instead of discussing the actual topic

Gutter Phoenix
Jul 23, 2013

I preferred your last avatar, so I put it back. My apologies to the pedo who purchased your last one (it's always projection).
A quick overview of the Bible for those unfamiliar with it:

The Old Testament is the Christian term for the Hebrew scriptures considered relevant to their splinter group. It makes up about 75% of the page count, and is usually split into a few different sections:

The Torah - The five books attributed to Moses (Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy). These are the most important texts in Judaism, and tell the history of the world from Creation until the death of Moses. They also describe the religious rules and regulations of ancient Judaism.

The Nevi'im - The prophets. This starts with a few books (Joshua, Judges, Samuel 1 & 2, Kings 1& 2) that give the history of ancient Israel from the death of Moses through the looting and destruction of the temple by neo-Babylonian King Nebuchadnezzar in the 6th century BCE.
These are followed by the books attributed to 3 major (Ezekiel, Jeremiah, Isaiah) and 12 minor (Hosea, Malachi, Amos, Joel, Habakkuk, Zechariah, Haggai, Zephaniah, Nahum, Micah, Jonah, Obadiah) prophets.

The Ketuvim - Everything else. These are broken up into the 3 poetic books (Job, Psalms, Proverbs), the 5 scrolls (Song of Solomon, Ruth, Lamentations, Ecclesiastes, Esther), and a few miscellaneous stragglers (Daniel, Ezra, Nehemiah, Chronicles 1 & 2).
SIDE NOTE: Chronicles 1 gives a synopsis of the same history told in the 2 Books of Samuel. Chronicles 2 does the same for the 2 Books of Kings.



The New Testament is ostensibly the story of Jesus of Nazareth, although the bulk of it is actually the story of the apostle Paul. It's broken into a few different sections:

The Four Gospels - These are four accounts of Jesus' life and teachings. The first three (Mark, Matthew, Luke) are called the Synoptic Gospels because they all follow a similar story line, while the Gospel According to John is totally different.

Mark is the earliest of the gospels, usually dated around 65-70 CE (about 40 years after Jesus' crucifixion). Matthew and Luke are generally thought to have been written around 80-90 CE, with revisions being made well into the 2nd century. The authors of Matthew and Luke both had access to Mark, as well as another theoretical common source that is lost to history (referred to by scholars as "Q"), and their own individual sources.

Mark is fast paced, and focuses on Jesus' teachings in the last years of his life until he was arrested and crucified. The original ending doesn't say anything about Jesus' resurrection, although an addendum was tacked on in antiquity.

Matthew begins with the story of Jesus' virgin birth and his family's flight to Egypt to escape King Herod. It picks up 30 years later when Jesus is an adult, getting baptized by John the Baptist. This is followed by many of Jesus' teachings, including the famed Sermon on the Mount (chapters 5-7). It ends with Jesus being arrested, crucified, and resurrected.
Matthew was written for a Jewish audience, and contains a bunch of Old Testament prophecies supposedly fulfilled by Jesus. If you look at any of the prophecies in their Old Testament context, it is clear that few of them are even on the topic of a coming messiah. Basically, the author of Matthew would take a well known quote from Hebrew scripture, and make up a story about how it predicted the coming messiah (even if it didn't), and that Jesus of Nazareth was that messiah. Ancient Jews would have recognized this to be a standard literary device and not something to be taken literally. Alas, fundamentalists did and do take it literally, which is why there are modern people that legitimately believe in concepts like the virgin birth. The author of Matthew is also responsible for much of the anti-antisemitism in ancient (and modern) Christianity, painting all non-Christian Jews as Christ-killers.
I should mention that the ancient Jewish concept of a messiah was actually a strong leader like King David, someone who could kick the Romans out of Palestine. It is far removed from the modern Christian concept of a messiah or savior.

Luke is the only gospel besides Matthew to give a birth narrative, although the two are fundamentally different and cannot be reconciled. The birth story that most people know is a compilation of the two tales. It is similar in structure to Matthew, although it was written for a gentile audience.

John was probably written around 100 CE, making it the most recent of the four gospels. It is more poetic and supernatural than the others, and contains stories that aren't in the other gospels. It was not written by the same author as Revelation, although tradition says both written by the apostle John, a peasant fisherman on the outskirts of the Roman empire that most likely couldn't read or write, let alone in flowery Greek.


Acts of the Apostles - This is a continuation of the Gospel According to Luke, and tells the early history of Christianity after the death/ resurrection of Jesus.
FUN FACT: According to this book, the early Christians were communists! It caused peasant uprisings in Europe during the middle ages, and wasn't really taught much in the Catholic church.


The Epistles - These were letters from early Christian leaders to various churches, and make up most of the New Testament. There are 21 of them, 13 of which are attributed to Paul. Scholars generally believe that Paul did write 7 of them, while the other 6 are of disputed authorship. The First Epistle of Paul to the Thessalonians is dated to 50 CE (about 20 years after the death of Jesus), and is the earliest known Christian text that we still have.
Oddly, Paul never met Jesus during his lifetime. In fact, he was a zealous anti-Christian until the resurrected Jesus appeared to him and told him to get with the program. Paul rarely mentions Jesus in his epistles, let alone Jesus' teachings. For Paul, all that matters is that Christians need to believe that Jesus was the son of God, and died for the sins of the world. Jesus' philosophy doesn't matter at all.


Revelation - This book is loving nuts, and almost didn't make it into the Bible. Alas, it did, and has caused much needless pain and suffering throughout the last couple of thousand years.


I have plenty to say about Jesus as a historical figure, as well as the ancient texts that weren't included in the Bible (which was only codified by the Catholic church in the 4th century CE), but this post is already long enough.


One last thing, for anyone interested in the history of ancient Christianity, I highly recommend the Teaching Company lecture series by scholar Bart Ehrman. They are expensive to buy, but readily available as :files:
His backstory is interesting in itself. He had a religious awakening at 15 and became a born-again fundamentalist Christian. However, as he started to read the texts in their original ancient languages, he couldn't reconcile the reality with the Protestant version. Today he is an agnostic, and one of the foremost biblical scholars in the world.

https://www.thegreatcourses.com/professors/bart-d-ehrman/?pid=150

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

lol but
Feb 24, 2007

body is a dinosaur
Slippery Tilde
nehemiah was a total snooze fest. business picks backs up a little with esther, but it isn't exactly a page turner

flashing back a little, jezebel's death is fully HBO ready. she puts on her finest clothes and stares all dramatic out of a window before giving a few snarky words and then being defenestrated by her own eunuchs

  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
  • Post
  • Reply