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Where's the Samson movie starring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson in a wig? Death to Hollywood.
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Jan 3, 2019 17:16
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jokes posted:The bible like many sources of entertainment throw around ridiculous numbers of kills in fights. Arthurian legends rule for this reason. Like a knight gets steamed and goes out and kills 900 Picts or whatever. Norse mythology has Thor go out and murder hundreds of giants (who themselves could kill hundreds of men).
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Jan 3, 2019 18:15
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What if I told you handsome bible men mowing people down by the hundreds are actually knock-offs of original stories of handsome non-bible men mowing people down by the hundreds? If you want to see Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson pretend to be Samson just watch most of his movies, the "Handsome Righteous Man Kills Many Bad People" is the most common story ever.
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Jan 3, 2019 19:48
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Lacey posted:Code Jockey: if you're interested in Jesus birth narratives, there are a bunch of apocryphal New Testament "infancy gospels" that are good reading. My fav is the Protoevangelium of James and my favourite part in it is when Salome tries to poke around in Mary right after the birth to test her virginity: my favorite non canon gospel is the one where kid jesus is getting picked on by another kid so jesus points at the kid and zaps him with holy lightning there is a parody book about these childhood gospels called "the gospel of biff" which is written like it's by jesus' childhood buddy, biff Lutha Mahtin fucked around with this message at 20:02 on Jan 3, 2019 |
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Jan 3, 2019 20:00
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My favorite is when Jesus kills another kid for bumping into him. Then the townspeople get pissed so he blinds them. Owned!
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Jan 3, 2019 21:18
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Code Jockey posted:
Matthew Matthew's birth narrative starts with a long list of dubious genealogy showing that Jesus' mother Mary was a direct descendant of David and Abraham. Mary has been pledged to marry Joseph, but gets knocked up by the Holy Spirit before they can seal the deal. Joseph apparently plans to go ahead and marry her anyway because it's the right thing to do in accordance with the law, but then quietly divorce her since they've never consummated their marriage. It's the law! However, an angel appears to Joseph in a dream and tells him that getting impregnated by the Holy Ghost ain't cheating, so he should raise the kid as his own and name him Yeshua. Meanwhile, three sorcerers from the east go to Jerusalem and ask Herod, king of Judea, "Hey, where is the future king of the Jews? We saw a star in the sky and took it as a sign that he was recently born." Herod asks his religious advisers where the Messiah is supposed to be born, and is told that Bethlehem is the supposed birthplace of the future King. Herod tells the sorcerers to go to Bethlehem and find the kid so that he can worship him (SPOILER: It's a trick!! Herod wants to kill poor baby Jesus because he's a potential usurper). The three wizards follow the star to Joseph and Mary's house, and give the baby Jesus gold, frankincense and myrrh. An angel appears and tells Joseph and Mary to take Jesus and flee to Egypt. The sorcerers are advised to travel home a different way as to avoid Herod, because he is actually bad and a jerk. Herod is furious, and orders all children under the age of two in the vicinity of Bethlehem to be executed. Eventually Herod dies, and Joseph, Mary, and Jesus relocate to Nazareth. Luke Luke's gives a duel birth narrative featuring both John the Baptist and Jesus. The angel Gabriel appears to Mary and tells her that she's about to be impregnated by the Holy Spirit. (Oddly, the genealogy shows Joseph to be the one who is a descendant of King David, which wouldn't matter at all since Joseph isn't Jesus' father.) Meanwhile, Caesar Augustus decrees that a census of the entire Roman world be taken, but that people must travel back to their ancestral homelands to be counted. Joseph and Mary have to travel back to Bethlehem, because that's where David lived 1,000 years before. Makes perfect sense, right? Nazareth is a little hick town with only one inn and it's full, so they have to sleep outside like animals. An angel appears to some shepherds and tells them that the messiah was just born in a nearby barn. The shepherds go to check it out and tell Mary what the angel told them. She is a proud mother.
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Jan 3, 2019 21:55
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The childhood gospels are funny. While the infancy gospel of Thomas was considered heretical even when it was hot off the presses it is entertaining. Jesus is a smartarse and plays word games with his officious teacher with supernatural curses heaped on the teacher to humiliate him as Jesus mocks him. As a one year old he curses another child and the child immediately withers into a corpse. He curses another child to death because the child bumped into him. When the neighbor parents come to Joseph and Mary to complain that their son is killing other children Jesus strikes the grieving parents with blindness. Jesus makes birds out of clay and the other kids make fun of them so Jesus brings them to life. That last one even gets an honorable mention in the Quran.
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Jan 3, 2019 22:00
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In other words, Jesus is born as the Old Testament God.
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Jan 3, 2019 22:42
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christmas boots posted:In other words, Jesus is born as the Old Testament God. More likely someone had a rough childhood, never got over it, and wrote up a revenge fantasy with himself as Jesus. The ancient equivalent of wishing you had superpowers and could destroy everything that annoys you.
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Jan 3, 2019 22:43
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Xenocides posted:More likely someone had a rough childhood, never got over it, and wrote up a revenge fantasy with himself as Jesus. The ancient equivalent of wishing you had superpowers and could destroy everything that annoys you.
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Jan 3, 2019 23:05
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SardonicTyrant posted:So the biblical Expanded Universe. Pretty sure that's this: https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm?lang=eng
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Jan 3, 2019 23:16
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SardonicTyrant posted:So the biblical Expanded Universe. quote:And the child was three years old, and Joachim said: Invite the daughters of the Hebrews that are undefiled, and let them take each a lamp, and let them stand with the lamps burning, that the child may not turn back, and her heart be captivated from the temple of the Lord. And they did so until they went up into the temple of the Lord. And the priest received her, and kissed her, and blessed her, saying: The Lord has magnified your name in all generations. In you, on the last of the days, the Lord will manifest His redemption to the sons of Israel. And he set her down upon the third step of the altar, and the Lord God sent grace upon her; and she danced with her feet, and all the house of Israel loved her.
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Jan 3, 2019 23:21
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Lacey posted:Exactly this. There's a bit about Mary becoming a Temple virgin (?) as young child and she's a total mary sue Such an innocent time. Nowadays women only dance with their rear end.
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Jan 3, 2019 23:37
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Really makes you think, if a new Jesus was to be born to a new mary... do you think she would dance with her feet or her rear end.
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Jan 3, 2019 23:52
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Story of Jacob: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iibnwMwpmiI
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Jan 4, 2019 00:01
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ovenboy posted:Really makes you think, if a new Jesus was to be born to a new mary... do you think she would dance with her feet or her rear end.
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Jan 4, 2019 00:13
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just cracked job, first opportunity to  hail satan
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Jan 4, 2019 00:23
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lol but seriously I posted:just cracked job, first opportunity to Legitimately one of my favorite books in the Bible. It’s definitely meant as more literary than anything else certainly not meant to be read as a historical event. It’s worth mentioning that Satan functions differently than the usual Christian interpretation. In this incarnation he functions as a willing subordinate of God, more a prosecuting attorney than a rebellious fallen angel.
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Jan 4, 2019 00:29
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Old time Satan is a solid guy doing his job (heh)
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Jan 4, 2019 00:35
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my favorite book of the bible is ecclesiastes. it's basically like if dril or da share z0ne lived 2300 years ago
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Jan 4, 2019 04:45
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guys im sorry im drunk and its drama and crap, you dont need this. you really dont
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Jan 4, 2019 04:49
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Lime Tonics posted:Judges 16 Lime Tonics posted:On divorce, Lime Tonics posted:The bible is a rehashed gilgimesh, with slightly altered heroes. Lime Tonics posted:100 Bible Verses about Killing Children Lime Tonics posted:guys im sorry im drunk and its drama and crap, you dont need this. remember in like 2002 when atheist edgelords thought it was a sick burn to post white noise like this e: fixed quotes Lutha Mahtin fucked around with this message at 05:00 on Jan 4, 2019 |
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Jan 4, 2019 04:58
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Lutha Mahtin posted:my favorite book of the bible is ecclesiastes. it's basically like if dril or da share z0ne lived 2300 years ago I've always wondered but been too lazy to look it up if parts of Ecclesiastes were added later. It always seems like this hard left when it goes "then I realized that everyone should accept their lot in life and so on." It makes sense for a king to say that, but it also seems very different in tone from the rest of it.
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Jan 4, 2019 05:06
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King Lazer posted:I've always wondered but been too lazy to look it up if parts of Ecclesiastes were added later. It always seems like this hard left when it goes "then I realized that everyone should accept their lot in life and so on." It makes sense for a king to say that, but it also seems very different in tone from the rest of it. one of the fun things about that is that (iirc) the modern scholarly consensus on the authorship of many biblical texts is "we have no idea who the specific actual person is who wrote this lol". some of these texts were passed down in oral tradition for a long time before ever being written down. some of them have competing versions of the text because archaeologists have uncovered multiple ancient manuscripts of the same text. one of the classic examples here is the book of Isaiah, which i think scholars believe was really three different texts that at some point were grafted onto each other ecclesiastes is pretty weird just because it's a fuckin weird book. it's pretty much some guy shitposting about society, and how everything is (to some degree) bullshit. one thing i would keep in mind is that we don't really know for sure if an actual king wrote or dictated it, and even if a king did write it, perhaps it was edited or revised by someone else. personally, i like it because it's a neat reminder that even people who lived thousands of years ago had the same "wow society is kinda hosed up sometimes eh?" existential despair that people today have too
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Jan 4, 2019 05:22
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Just got Robert Alter's new translation of the Hebew bible. Looking forward to it
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Jan 4, 2019 05:27
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Lutha Mahtin posted:one of the fun things about that is that (iirc) the modern scholarly consensus on the authorship of many biblical texts is "we have no idea who the specific actual person is who wrote this lol". some of these texts were passed down in oral tradition for a long time before ever being written down. some of them have competing versions of the text because archaeologists have uncovered multiple ancient manuscripts of the same text. one of the classic examples here is the book of Isaiah, which i think scholars believe was really three different texts that at some point were grafted onto each other Thanks. I like it too. The fate of the fool will overtake me as well lol.
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Jan 4, 2019 05:34
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god was a douche
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Jan 4, 2019 05:54
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anyone here willing to trade me their inheritance for a warm bowl of stew?
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Jan 4, 2019 05:55
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Lutha Mahtin posted:one of the fun things about that is that (iirc) the modern scholarly consensus on the authorship of many biblical texts is "we have no idea who the specific actual person is who wrote this lol". some of these texts were passed down in oral tradition for a long time before ever being written down. some of them have competing versions of the text because archaeologists have uncovered multiple ancient manuscripts of the same text. one of the classic examples here is the book of Isaiah, which i think scholars believe was really three different texts that at some point were grafted onto each other I like it's placement too. Like you've just gone through proverbs which is all about how if you live prudently and wisely you will prosper and benefit and then Ecclesiastes comes along and says "but then sometimes you just get hosed anyway because it's all bullshit" which is refreshingly candid
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Jan 4, 2019 05:55
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hahaha i never thought about that. proverbs is all "oh here are some clever sayings about living well and if you do good with your penny-saved penny-earned prudence you will obviously be successful". then you flip to the next page and its your cynical uncle going on like "lol my dude have u ever thought about how people are douchebags who chase the approval of society? also everything is baloney that doesn't actually matter"
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Jan 4, 2019 06:01
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Ecclesiastes may very well be the world's first Existential text.
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Jan 4, 2019 06:10
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King David was a tyrant and murderer and did not kill Goliath but is given credit anyways
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Jan 4, 2019 06:55
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Lutha Mahtin posted:remember in like 2002 when atheist edgelords thought it was a sick burn to post white noise like this I get where you're coming from but 2002 was also a very different time when Biblical Fundamentalism was much more pervasive in the culture and seemed to be infiltrating and corroding everything. The atheist edgelords were a reaction to that. The fact that we can even say some of the things we say now and not have it seem as shocking is due in large part to edgelords like Hitchens and Dawkins desensitizing everyone to it.
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Jan 4, 2019 06:57
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Cnut the Great posted:I get where you're coming from but 2002 was also a very different time when Biblical Fundamentalism was much more pervasive in the culture and seemed to be infiltrating and corroding everything. The atheist edgelords were a reaction to that. The fact that we can even say some of the things we say now and not have it seem as shocking is due in large part to edgelords like Hitchens and Dawkins desensitizing everyone to it. Thank you Hitchens and Dawkins for paving the way for free speech warriors everywhere. 
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Jan 4, 2019 07:13
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Cnut the Great posted:I get where you're coming from but 2002 was also a very different time when Biblical Fundamentalism was much more pervasive in the culture and seemed to be infiltrating and corroding everything. The atheist edgelords were a reaction to that. The fact that we can even say some of the things we say now and not have it seem as shocking is due in large part to edgelords like Hitchens and Dawkins desensitizing everyone to it. well we've reached Peak Goon where some Extremely Online Atheist earnestly defends christopher loving hitchens and dick dorkins so i guess op can just close the thread now
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Jan 4, 2019 07:31
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like just imagine what it would be like if you genuinely thought dorkins or hitchens are people that society should ever remember for any positive reason. what kind of sad and hateful existence would a person have to have in order to hold such hosed up opinions
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Jan 4, 2019 07:38
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A long time ago, I read this book and it was pretty rad: https://smile.amazon.com/Richard-Elliott-Friedman-published-HarperCollins/dp/B00EKYJNS2/ref=sr_1_1 Is there a more up-to-date layperson’s guide to old testament textual scholarship? This thread has made me want to check in with Q and J and the gang.
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Jan 4, 2019 07:54
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Grevling posted:Thank you Hitchens and Dawkins for paving the way for free speech warriors everywhere. Lutha Mahtin posted:well we've reached Peak Goon where some Extremely Online Atheist earnestly defends christopher loving hitchens and dick dorkins so i guess op can just close the thread now I posted an incredibly obvious fact about the effect they both had on acceptable public discourse about religion. Hitchens was an entertaining writer but became a lovely neocon interventionist, and I find Dawkins insufferable when he speaks on anything other than evolutionary biology. I defended them only as far as they merited being defended, and no further. You don't know anything about me. Why don't you two try growing up a bit? You don't have to "destroy" everyone you encounter on the Internet who says something you find objectionable, especially when you lack the wit or intelligence to even do so effectively. Seriously, Lutha Mahtin actually did the capitalize-every-word-in-a-phrase thing and "Dick Dorkins" both in one post. Be original, dude. I'm on the same side as people in this thread. Take a deep breath. Calm down. Let's be friends.
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Jan 4, 2019 08:03
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I will destroy Dick Dorkings. I have already disposed of his Englisher worm Chris Hitchens
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Jan 4, 2019 08:07
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Lutha Mahtin posted:like just imagine what it would be like if you genuinely thought dorkins or hitchens are people that society should ever remember for any positive reason. what kind of sad and hateful existence would a person have to have in order to hold such hosed up opinions I'm a good person who contributes to society and has good relationships with friends and family. What is wrong with you? Is behaving this way towards people really your takeaway from religion? If so, I don't think you understand what religion is supposed to be about, and you should probably do some deep soul-searching. Namaste. e: My selfless offer of friendship still stands, if you choose to let go of your ego and accept it.
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Jan 4, 2019 08:08
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