sebmojo posted:

Simply simon: a nugget of truth in every mouse
Ok so you’re yoda-ing it up pretty hardcore with the weird word order in teh sentences and I trust you have ESL reasons for that because if not you have a lot of unlearning to do, but fear not; some of the best writers in the dome have english as a second language. So fyi, write not your sentences as though the verb precedes and subject and object or wrathful will be they whom sit in judgment upon you, but that’s not the main issue with this story. The main issue with this story is that it’s 800 words of bibble bobble followed by a twist - he’s not actually after the gold at all, he’s a liverphile! This is great, but also terrible, because why do i care? I think you’d have been better advised to start with the revelation and taken us on from there, I’d be kind of interested in some low down dirty mouse trapping and disembowelling instead of 800 words of fretting about what dad’s doing at night.

sebmojo posted:

I should be able to, but: Satan.

to crit all stories last week by 24 jan 2359 pst - speak up if you want a line by line

Simply Simon posted:

I will not stand for the slander of my English skills; the word order mangling was a very deliberate choice on my end. I thank you for the advice, but you should have been way more cruel in putting down my hubris.

I also thank you for the crit in general. I will take to heart: nobody gives a poo poo about a 15-year-old's self-inflicted daddy issues.

DJ Dublell posted:

Part of the Forest
(762 words)
Beast: Jaculus

Simple. We get deliveries like this all the time. you're doing the thing where you're ambiguous about what the story is about in the first few paras, (getting a job from an undescribed entity to deliver 'a package' to a nameless person) which you can do but you're robbing the reader of understanding to payoff the twist, and you should be sure it's worth it when you do. this is a simple enough story, and you don't really ring any changes on the formula, so just tell us what we're reading unless you have a reason not to.
Colin and I even talked our way into a little bonus. Told the client that forest jobs take longer, but really, I just hate mosquitoes as much as they love me. If I’m going to be bug-food, I better loving ok so swearing: it totes has a place but it should be considered like words but more so. if you're going to drop a swear, make sure it lands and either conveys character or punctuates a scene, pays its way. in this you use it throughout and there's no real point or texture to it (apart from characterising yr dude as Harry McSwearsalot) so I don't think you get the payoff. Not a huge deal but I remember it annoying me when i judged. get paid for it. so: first para is: we got a job to move a blob from one blob to another blob. You can and should do more with your first para at this length.

But we do take pride in our work: twenty-seven years and not one missed delivery, and we go through a lot. When Colin first taught me the business, he’d frequently stroke his silver beard and growl, “Ye gotta stay in shape and bring a weapon, ‘cause ye never know when some twat’ll try to shank ye from behind.” still don't know what the story's about

He often tells me stories of beasts that sound like fairy tales, and stories of men that keep adults awake at night. those stories sound interesting, you could have told us one of those and used your precious beginning words for that instead of ullage Any other person, I’d swear they’re loving with me, but there’s something earnest about that gruff old man, and I knew—from the start—that I could trust him with my life. He treats me like the kid he never had. Having each other’s backs for so many years makes his stories a lot less terrifying. the beginning of this story is packing foam

After packing basic supplies and readying the package, I check my dagger’s blade with a forefinger; nice and sharp. Colin looks over my shoulder as I sheath it in my belt, miming a stabbing motion in my back. We exchange a few laughs and mimed back stabbings before setting off. dum de doo going to the forest

We reach the forest and my life immediately becomes miserable. Mosquitoes are having their way with me: twenty loving bites in twenty loving minutes. fffuuuccckkk

“How the gently caress do you not get bit? Not once? They come from loving nowhere!” loving fuckin, fuckin, gently caress! eh? eh?

The old bundle of muscles raises a finger to shush me as he leads the way. dum de doo old guy walkin

Though my mosquito bites are legion, there’s something about the forest in the evening that unnerves me enough to forget about the itching. Squeaks and shadows that may or may not be trees or creatures. A thickening canopy that threatens to block out the sky with every step. Closing in. ooh it's creepy

Colin turns around and meets my eyes.

“Places like these, ye’ll see an’ hear many things. Take ‘em all in. Then the things that can really get ye stand out much more.”

I take a moment to ground myself: dried broken sticks in the underbrush, perhaps from other travelers; tree branches disturbed by weakening gusts of wind; leaves shifting from little critters, and shadows shifting with them; the echoing taps of a woodpecker against a distant tree; the creaks of shifting bark, and the bugs beginning their evening squeals. I breathe deeply. this is actually a really nice para and the first that I'm really reading. You could have started the story here, everything up to now is basically irrelevant.

“gently caress you, Colin." FFFFFUUUUCCCKKK

The old man grins and we move forward.

As the evening darkens, Colin lights his torch. Its crackle and orange glow—though not part of the forest—are soothing to me. I lose myself in them. The old man stops suddenly, snapping me out of my trance.

“What’s--”

I see a shadowy bolt of lightning dart towards and away from my mentor. He falls to the ground, limp, his throat a twisted mass of gore soaking the underbrush. LOL and he's gone sorry old mentor guy i guess you kind of sucked after all

I unsheathe my dagger, you know this really seems an impractical weapon to hunt unnamed ferocious fantasy animals with head pounding, blood boiling cliche, when you write this kind of thing always go back and replace it with something a bit surprising. I listen for the sounds of the forest from a few hours earlier, guided by the light of the old man’s fallen torch.

Breathe.

Can’t hear anything. What stands out?

Breathe!

My left leg buckles and pain radiates through my lower body. I look down and catch a glimpse of a serpent, latched onto my thigh.

I swing at it with my dagger. Miss. It darts upwards into the canopy, taking a chunk of leg with it.

Pain roars within my left leg. Shifting my back against a tree and slowly balancing on my good leg, I clutch the dagger with all of my strength.

Breathe…

I drop my dagger as pain screams into my right arm, the snake removing another chunk of my flesh.

Slumping to the ground, I feel a sharp heat spreading from my wounds and roiling through my body. loving venom. FUCKITY gently caress gently caress Fantastic.

My head lands softly onto some leaves as the faint crackle of Colin’s torch enters my awareness. His killer comes into my field of vision, and I notice its wings for the first time. perhaps he should have done a little research on what the story was about back in, oh idk, the first para

Venom claws at my insides. The torchlight reflects on the winged serpent’s eyes, which stare directly into my own.

Of course! I couldn't see or hear it before, but this creature is always part of the forest’s sights and sounds. WHAAAT this is the only actual point of the story apart from guy goes into forest, get kilt, and it's wafer thin Now it waits for the life to leave the bloody mess in front of it. Simple. huh?
so this doesn't have terrible words but it is fatally lacking in a point other than 1. weapon choice and research are both important parts of monster slaying, bro do you even witcher, and 2. FUUUUUUUCCCKKK.

sebmojo posted:

crit

Simply Simon posted:

I will not stand for the slander of my English skills; the word order mangling was a very deliberate choice on my end. I thank you for the advice, but you should have been way more cruel in putting down my hubris.

Sham bam bamina! posted:

Brawl me, twerp.

Chili posted:

SlipUp and Third, shut up you worms.

You shall brawl for my pleasure. To confirm your entry into this glorious combat, each of you must select a weapon (you may interpret this as you see fit). Post a picture of your weapon, and then await further instructions.

onsetOutsider posted:

Okay here's the thing, Sebmojo. Brawl me.

quote:

Third 'Jerkface' EmperorToday at 3:57 PM
lippinsteak
your prompt is Eldritch Horror and Tea
2000 words
Due a week from now

Sham bam bamina! posted:

Brawl me, twerp.

Simply Simon posted:

Sure, let's loving do it!

quote:

What am I? What has my will done to make me that I am? Nothing. I have been floated into this thought, this hour, this connection of events, by secret currents of might and mind, and my ingenuity and willfulness have not thwarted, have not aided to an appreciable degree.

Anomalous Blowout posted:

Don’t make me turn this car around, kids.

Write me 1200 words about a nerd on a family vacation who doesn’t want to be there.

Any genre, any destination, any kind of nerd. But I want to feel your feeble, impotent geekrage.

Deadline is one week from the timestamp on this post.

Sham bam bamina! posted:

I'll have a dumb rule.

Simply Simon posted:

I don't know if it's a handicap or a helpful extra prompt for any of us, but I'll take a dumb rule as well to even the playing field!

anatomi posted:

Gods. Is this dank den usually so brawly?

sebmojo posted:

Lol ok . Two weeks plz.

onsetOutsider posted:

anatomi posted:

Gods. Is this dank den usually so brawly?

Bolt Lux posted:

Quit flashing those pearly whites and get in here - brawl me!

anatomi posted:

Gods. Is this dank den usually so brawly?

ThirdEmperor posted:

Brawls will continue until the inkthirst of the Dome is quenched.

steeltoedsneakers posted:

Right?

Someone fight me. I dares ya.

steeltoedsneakers posted:

Right?

Someone fight me. I dares ya.

flerp posted:

hello this week's prompt sucks ill fight u

Sitting Here posted:

SOMEONE FIGHT THIS MAN


and then let's not have any new brawl challenges until the actual signups for this week pick up a bit more.

flerp posted:

hello this week's prompt sucks ill fight u

steeltoedsneakers posted:

Yeah (I mean, it doesn't, I just didn't want to do it)!

quote:

flashover

n. the moment a conversation becomes real and alive, which occurs when a spark of trust shorts out the delicate circuits you keep insulated under layers of irony, momentarily grounding the static emotional charge you’ve built up through decades of friction with the world.

quote:

hanker sore

adj. finding a person so attractive it actually kinda pisses you off.

Chili posted:

SlipUp and Third, shut up you worms.

You shall brawl for my pleasure. To confirm your entry into this glorious combat, each of you must select a weapon (you may interpret this as you see fit). Post a picture of your weapon, and then await further instructions.

quote:

The Thunderduel, one 'domer against his sister. This is the animal show, the occasional naval battle. The off-schedule, off-kilter one-on-one informal contest. The glove of the Thunderduel may be thrown down at any time, for any reason or none at all. A judge can be chosen by the defender or may step up of his own accord. The judge will not be one of the Three for that week. Thunderduel's will last for as many rounds as the challenger offers, but always an odd number.