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Drunk Nerds
Jan 25, 2011

Just close your eyes

Fun Shoe

I've entered this 6 times and come in dead last 3 times... rightfully

But goddamn I'll take any excuse to write, it's so fun. IN

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Drunk Nerds
Jan 25, 2011

Just close your eyes

Fun Shoe

:toxx: sorry

Drunk Nerds
Jan 25, 2011

Just close your eyes

Fun Shoe

Djeser posted:

Bone breaker/Herakleopolis/lying


Beakbait

"Love what you do and you'll never work a day in your life."

Whoever said that never had to go to work for two million straight days.

I am Bone Breaker. I possess the omnipotence of the seven oceans, the wisdom of a thousand eons, and the body of a short, fat bird.

I need to remember to stop ending on that last note. The bird part is usually useless

My days are spent perched atop an open temple with a name lost to the winds of time, which probably wouldn't have happened if every place around here wasn't so hard to pronounce. I watch the line of a million dead pass through the temple's only corridor, each soul being made to explain their misdeeds to the multitude of Gods that line the hall. At the end of lies the pyramid to the Underworld, its dark catacombs snake all around and come to multiple dead ends before finally opening up into the next life. Somewhere in that pyramid slithers a deadly asp. He lives to strike those not fleet of foot enough to navigate the twisting passage, leaving them writhing in agony, yet another obstacle for the next contestant. I wonder if the asp is bored with his job, too.

My task is simple. I watch the dead justify their errs to the Gods of the temple. If I catch someone telling a lie, I swoop down and break a bone in their foot. This greatly reduces their chances of reaching the end of the pyramid: Navigating the dark maze is hard enough without a pronounced limp.

Don't get me wrong, I do love my job. I am so enamored with breaking of bones that when the Demigodess Fluffertiti once granted me human form for a day, I spent the first hour orgasmically cracking my knuckles. Turns out, that didn't do what I thought it did.

But still, after 5,000 years on the job, watching the slow collective shuffle of the line of that stretched over the desert dunes and over the horizon, I am frequently on the lookout for something different. Something to break the cycle.

Which is why I spotted him as soon as he crested the most distant hill. Unlike most of the millions that came before him, he did not hang his head low. Instead, the sun blazed upon his upturned face which, as he slowly came closer, bore a smug smile. For once, someone who was not just unbroken in terms of bones, but also spirit. I love seeing the snapping of a healthy spirit.

Watching him progress towards the temple was the bright spot of the next few months, each day he moved slowly closer until I could make out every facet of his way-too-confident expression. We get these guys every few hundred years, they always think they can sail through the system with some confident twisting of facts, never realizing that my job is to see straight through this and leave them hopeless and hobbled.

Turns out this one was a little different. Upon entering the temple hallway and ordered to declare himself, he pulled a neon green sheet of rolled parchment from his tunic, puffed out his chest, and bellowed:

"It is neither who I am nor what I have done that should concern you, but rather where I have been. Upon arriving at this land of dead, I took a detour. I walked the desert dunes for years until I arrived at the Great Hall of Calligraphers. There, they drew me this glowing map of the pyramid catacomb to the Underworld. I then ventured to the fiery mines of El-Alil Yelaa'i'i'b, where I was fashioned a dagger of holy silver. I then sailed to the foul, death-smelling shores of South New Jersey, where I learned this one weird trick to getting past the line of Gods without judgment."

With that, he drew his silver dagger and cut off his own tongue. Walking past the line of stunned Gods, the Man responded to any questions by shrugging comically and pointing to his mouth. My hollow bird bones felt as if filled with raging lava. Upon reaching the mouth of the pyramid, he did a small dance, his unbroken feet mocking me with every step and swivel. The man unrolled his parchment, and gazed upon the map.

I am Bone Breaker. I possess the omnipotence of the seven oceans, the wisdom of a thousand eons, and the body of a short, fat bird. The bird part is usually useless, but not this time...

I flew down and plucked his eyes out.

Drunk Nerds
Jan 25, 2011

Just close your eyes

Fun Shoe

In. Not sure what's left so please just give me the lowest numbers still on the board from all categories

Djeser posted:

This week. It has been delayed slightly due to health reasons, but judgement is coming.

That said, as there's only one judge, anyone who does crits for last week's stories will be much appreciated, I'm sure.


Everything okay?

Drunk Nerds fucked around with this message at 16:43 on Jul 23, 2019

Drunk Nerds
Jan 25, 2011

Just close your eyes

Fun Shoe

Oh, I see now. So 21, 21, 4, and 21. Thanks!

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Drunk Nerds
Jan 25, 2011

Just close your eyes

Fun Shoe

Thanks for the crits DJeser and AA!

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