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Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

A crit for The Night's Post.

I'm not entirely sure this fits the criteria for "a friendship that's being tested," given the author and their friend don't exactly seem to be on face-to-face speaking terms. I also feel it maybe skirts a little too close to the rule against any actual death in the story. That's probably why this didn't win or HM, especially since a lot of places I felt like the story was really trying to sound like Lovecraft, But Not Racist moreso than doing its own thing. Completely on its own it definitely merited some kind of nod, though. I'm a sucker for pretty, vivid prose, which is why I try to write how I've been lately, and I do like the actual writing in this piece, but I do see some of the same issues that tend to get picked out in my recent entries. There's a bit of a sense of strain here, like you're visibly trying to pull off all these flourishes and overall Write Good, and while I like the inventiveness and the sensory details and found the writing really effective for pulling me into this world you've created, there are a lot of meandering, overly-verbose sentences that drag down what you're trying to do instead of building it up - it makes the character writing these letters come off as a bit of a windbag. Some points in this story felt like you were compelled to use several words to do the work of a few, and although I like the sort of dreamy atmosphere two of the three crits you got prior to this one commented on various parts of the story being hard to follow because of your prose style. While it's very important to have your own style, if the reader can't follow what's going on you should have a look at what you're actually doing. Much like my recent Week 324 crits, I did notice this story feels like it comes up hard against the wordcount; there's this sense I pick up that you didn't really have the space to build up as well as you wanted or needed to. Nice read overall tho.


Also, in. Gimme a bonus.

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Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

I found a google doc where I actually wrote down my thoughts on the various 252 entries. To be honest, that makes me really loving embarrassed that I only actually posted one crit back then, lol. So anyway, here we go.

Coda
Judging was very close between this and The Coward, when it came to win picks, where Coda came up as the only entry of the week all three of us could agree on. We all loved the creepy, almost metafictional angle (I definitely agree with Obliterati calling it "a writers' story") and I ate the setting and the prose right up. I will second, though, that it starts a bit slowly, and we could probably do with more actively Doing Things and less Running Away. Obliterati was pretty on point saying she should either run less, or have things happen as she runs. Honestly though, I had this pegged as one of my win picks the second I started reading it.

Start a Fire, Even if itís for Yourself
I thought this story opened quite strongly, and I enjoyed the portrait of a (heh) burnout who gets high to reminisce on better times, as well as how that played into the general motif of fire, burning, and how everything comes back to the need to burn. That was solid. However, not much of anything really happens here, and while Stuff Happening isn't the end all be all (in fact there's an ongoing argument as to if Real Literature can even have plots or if that automatically consigns you to genre fiction) there isn't enough meat on this particular skeleton to stand out as a pure character piece either A good enough author can make a story that's mostly the protagonist sitting around gripped by depressive malaise incredibly compelling, but the first half or so of this story feels like we're being talked at rather than told a story, and when your protagonist finally does things it feels almost like it's just happening because the prompt says it has to. We're told "this is a thing" moreso than being made to feel "this is a thing."

Wartime
Solitair and I initially wanted this to HM, on my part motivated purely by the strength of its premise. This entry has the bones of an amazing story, and I would love nothing more than to read a series of novels by you about this. This tale of a group of soldiers stuck adrift in time, jumping from war to war in a desperate attempt to finally get home, is some Homer or Xenophon poo poo, and I'm serious when I say you should come back to this and do more with it. Unfortunately, that's exactly what pulls it down: it has the bones of an amazing story, but its premise doesn't fit this format at all, resulting in an entry that reads as incredibly compressed and barely story-shaped. While it's obviously intentionally done this way, it being more a long anecdote than much of a narrative is really to its detriment. It's like "here's a lot of cool poo poo happening but instead of slowing down and showing you any of it we're gonna blaze right though and go 'yo this happened'". It's like I'm being shown the highlight reel to something that doesn't actually exist, which made reading this very frustrating.

Graffiti Bros
This was a unanimous loss pick because, frankly, it reads like a shitpost. Like an attempted ock that misses funny and instead hits obnoxious, especially since (as I once commented on "Ockient Express") it felt like a deliberate waste of time. That was my perspective at least.

Illumination
This is one I rather liked but didn't leave me with much to actually say or dig into. I felt like I asked for a hearty steak dinner and got a fluffy, tasty cake. Like sure, it was good and I enjoyed it, but it wasn't really what I wanted, was it. I feel it starts strong, and that there's a definite arc being formed, but that there's a few steps missing in the middle for everything to come naturally together. I liked your characters and your actual writing, but it's an annoying story to me because when I try to really put my head into it I just sort of unaccountably bounce off. I might revisit this.

The Coward
While I should disclose that I'm a sucker for WW1 stuff and that was probably part of the immediate hook for me, I really liked this, enough so that it was never a question to me that either this or Coda would win. Your HM was a) a compromise and b) well deserved. I don't really care that not much plotty happened in this, see my comment on Start A Fire (and in fact you yourself were one of the ones I was thinking about re: "can Actual Literature have a plot") regarding that. Your writing creates a desolate, hopeless, almost exhausted feeling, especially as we get further into Monty's head and read about the deaths of his friends. I can see where Obliterati's coming from when he said you could stand to cut a couple of those and use the words for more actual story, but I think it works, especially with the images you craft like him erasing the names or the destroyed church itself. A big strength of flash fiction is in its ability to capture a particular moment, and I think you play well into it here. Would've maybe liked to see a little more build to him deciding not to actually shoot himself, though. While I typed this I remembered something Mrenda said (come back, Mrenda!!!!) about how the story didn't really feel visceral enough. While I thought the sort of detached vibe worked for what was presumably a deeply shellshocked man, I could see how this story could stand to have more of an actual punch to it.

The Wall of Rejected Classes
As much as I can appreciate playing with the medium to enhance storytelling and all that I kinda felt like the use of it here was cheating. You did a great job catching the university vibe and all that though, and I do think it's pretty clever. I think where I stand is we're very specifically writing shortform prose fiction here, so employing so many images is going out of bounds, but the comparison Obliterati made to Vonnegut does stick in my mind. I enjoyed the form overall but what stuck out to me was that, beyond whether it's too gimmicky, it has an issue like Wartime where it feels like part of a story. Where Wartime felt like the cliff notes version of a way bigger, more ambitious project than what was in the actual entry, this feels more like Part One, the scene setting and introductions to the various dramatis personae. I wouldn't mind seeing a more developed version of this story, with what you have here as your opener of sorts.

Eagle and Shark
Maybe I'm just not much for comic writing, but I bounced right off this, much to the head judge's chagrin. This just felt entirely too silly to me, and more importantly, like it was trying too hard to be that silly. I felt like I had assigned a project to an art class, looked at the work a student turned in, and the paper was just doodled all over. You're usually incredibly capable, so I remember a distinct feeling of disappointment that this just amounted to dick jokes.

The Letter X
I initially DQed this out of hand and never looked back at it after it came to my attention it had been taken down, and then reposted, prior to judgement. That was pretty unfair! Sorry.

I don't feel like this would have merited a loss, but it definitely doesn't hold up pretty well. This isn't quite as off the walls nonsensical as Eagle and Shark but I got this same sense of it trying way too hard to be unique, and I shared another judge's opinion that it became extremely hard to track what was actually happening. The joke, if there was one, just didn't land at all for me.

The Big Dipper
I quite liked this one, overall. I felt like this story maybe spent too much time dancing around its heart, though, the big inciting moment that set everything in action, which stood out more because of how you blended the two narratives. It's like we're seeing through the eyes of two people who have agreed between themselves they're never going to bring up the elephant in the room. A lot of stuff was happening but I wasn't getting as much of a sense for what all of it meant to the actual characters it was happening to.

Spaekona
Come back, Fleta!!!! While this didn't jump right to the top of anyone's list, mine included, I did think it was pretty solid. However, it was something that relied on the reader having more time to really buy into it than the format allowed. This story, in general, really felt very Norse, if that makes sense. Like the world felt very much one way and the characters in it felt like logical products thereof, all leading back to the graffiti in your prompt. To borrow again from a fellow judge, because I'm a hack, the sort of "haha graffiti" to "ancient curse" felt extremely on point. Towards the end, though, the story seemed oddly concerned with... justifying itself? Like it wanted to sit down the reader and defend every instance of "why thing is thing" as opposed to sinking its hooks in and forcing the reader along for the ride. I'll have to chew on this to give a more detailed explanation of how I mean, but I would say to write more confidently, it will do you good.

Under Glass
If I really wanted to quibble I could say this breaks the prompt because all the messages end up erased. TD isn't really a contest of slavish adherence to rules, though, so long as they aren't flagrantly broken. This is an interesting, creepy, lushly-written story of mutual loneliness, but there's a certain feeling of isolation in it that, while intentional, doesn't quite land for me. I feel a bit too (ha!) alienated from the protagonist - not in a sense that I actively dislike them but that I'm barred from their inner life or really experiencing the story as they do - for every beat to hit as it should. There wasn't much life or punch here, the protagonist felt more like they were passively going along with the current, like a piece of debris in the ocean getting swept along instead of a swimmer actively propelling themselves. Static protagonists, or protagonists without agency, or ones who feel like they're just getting blown from point to point in life and can't have a real effect on things, can definitely make for interesting stories, but here I would have liked that to be developed further if it was supposed to be the case. While all readers are, by definition, observers and not participants in the events of a story, here it was a little too apparent that I was just an observer with everything set out for me to consume.

Flesnolk fucked around with this message at 05:04 on Jan 11, 2019

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

Flesnolk posted:

Also, in. Gimme a bonus.

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

sebmojo posted:

I am disappointed that no-one is willing to chance a hellrule, but I suppose there's no particular shame in being worthless.

Dunno about anyone else but I had just assumed you meant a beast fact.

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

Iíve got nothing, give me one

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

.

Flesnolk fucked around with this message at 15:40 on Oct 26, 2019

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

onsetOutsider posted:

Also, now how to I get access to the thunderdome archives?

There should be a link to request an account at the top left, when you go to the main page. PM Kaishai or Crabrock for help setting up if need be.

You should definitely join the IRC and Discord too.

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

I am the fourth failingest TDer and even I submitted this week. Don't fail!!!!

Flesnolk fucked around with this message at 09:04 on Jan 14, 2019

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

fjgj

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

SlipUp posted:

Like... you guys didn't get that he tricked someone into confessing his secrets or...

Brawl

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

So is that accepting or declining the brawl challenge

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

:toxx:

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

Antivehicular posted:

Okay, so, first things first: :toxx: to complete all my outstanding judge crits before submission deadline for week 337.

Furthermore, I'll do crits for Week 336 stories for anyone who requests one. These may be later than the deadline above, because I have like 40 crits to write, holy hell, but I'll do my best to be timely.

Prompt

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

Antivehicular posted:

Okay, so, first things first: :toxx: to complete all my outstanding judge crits before submission deadline for week 337.

Furthermore, I'll do crits for Week 336 stories for anyone who requests one. These may be later than the deadline above, because I have like 40 crits to write, holy hell, but I'll do my best to be timely.

Also yeah sure crit please

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

Because I'll be busy with my brawl and arranging the trip back to Boston in the coming week, I'll co-judge instead of entering if you'd like me on board.

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

SlipUp posted:

WITNESS ME THUNDERDOME

I am the revolution, here to mark the end of the reign of tyrants. My cause is just. My honour is intact. As I stand before you today, let the losertar bear an omen of what is to come. I'm glad my efforts make you suffer so, for they shall be doubled and redoubled. I will enter every week until I am crowned emperor. I may lose, I may disqualify, but will you all be able to stem the tide? We shall see.

To quote Napoleon: "Quantity is a quality of it's own."

Come tyrants, we must water the tree.

Appreciate your enthusiasm, genuinely hope you stick around, but save this stuff for the IRC/Discord.

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

https://discord.gg/MgCGn5

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=BwBKjK7Xik0

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

sebmojo posted:

Lol ok :toxx:. Two weeks plz.



Stand by for prompt

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

anatomi posted:

Gods. Is this dank den usually so brawly?

Bolt Lux posted:

Quit flashing those pearly whites and get in here - brawl me!

I jumped the gun because I was excited by all the brawls and put a prompt here. Do you accept the challenge, anatomi? If so toxx up and I've got one ready to go. Welcome to TD!

Flesnolk fucked around with this message at 02:37 on Jan 17, 2019

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

:siren: Onsetmojo brawl :siren:

Because sebmojo is one of the most experienced and successful domers there is, and onset is literally brand new and possessed with more chutzpah than sense, I'm splitting this prompt up a bit to give each of you a fighting chance.

SEBMOJO
You may not use dialogue. I want you to take this song and use it as inspiration to paint me the most concrete picture you can of family drama and community politics in the face of coming turmoil. You can use all your writerly powers to play with this guideline as much as you like, but I want this community to feel like a real place really coming apart at the seams. To make it a bit harder for you: no onscreen violence. Implied is fine if you must.

ONSETOUTSIDER
Because you picked a fight with one of the biggest goons in the yard on your second week, you get to write about someone completely in over their head. This could run the gamut from fighting someone way out of their weight class to literally defying a hurricane while shirtless and waving an American flag, although if you straight up literally use the exact images/videos here you better have a heck of a fresh take on 'em. I want you to really dig into the head of someone who'd throw themselves into that sort of "I am completely overwhelmed and anyone thinking logically would run" situation and why the hell they'd do it. Determination, defiance, other things with D.

BOTH OF YOU
Must keep the story grounded and realistic. It's okay for it to not strictly be 2019 Earth, but no overt supernatural elements or the like. Neither of you are obligated to use your exact images/videos in their most literal sense, just take inspiration from them. Neither of you may use "how" adverbs; even one will be a DQ loss.

Word count maximum: 1500 words
Additional hellrules: *No explicitly apocalyptic stories; I'm just sick of 'em. So in sebmojo's case, the world can't literally end, be ending, be about to end, or have ended already - this specific community might or might not be hosed, but the rest of the world isn't doing horribly.
* One additional rule per combatant available upon request
Standard rules also apply. So no poetry, erotica, fanfic, quote tags, political screeds, bodily fluids, google docs, etc etc
Deadline: Thursday, January 31st, by 11:59:59PM Pacific Standard Time; if this time doesn't work, and there's a good reason it doesn't, ask me for a one time extension

Flesnolk fucked around with this message at 04:10 on Jan 17, 2019

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

quote:

The Thunderduel, one 'domer against his sister. This is the animal show, the occasional naval battle. The off-schedule, off-kilter one-on-one informal contest. The glove of the Thunderduel may be thrown down at any time, for any reason or none at all. A judge can be chosen by the defender or may step up of his own accord. The judge will not be one of the Three for that week. Thunderduel's will last for as many rounds as the challenger offers, but always an odd number.

Don't want my prompts going to waste, so I'm willing to pull out of the week's judge seat if AntiV wants. Will weigh whether my plate is too full to enter.

Flesnolk fucked around with this message at 03:38 on Jan 17, 2019

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

anatomi posted:

These pearly whites will soon be stained by the filthy substance that squirms through your carotid artery.

:toxx:



Bolt Lux posted:

What you'll soon find out is that I'm the CREEEEEEEEAM OF THE CROP, OH YEAH!

:toxx:


This is both this very thread about five minutes after I challenged SlipUp and the inspirational image for...

:siren: Boltomi brawl :siren:

Anatomi poked his head into the thread for just a moment to ask about the rampaging brawlers and immediately got dragged into the fray himself, much like a good old fashioned saloon brawl. That's exactly what I want you guys to write about, not just two drunks slap-punching but a full on bar battle where everyone in sight ends up dragged into the mess in one way or another until there's not a soul in the building that hasn't eaten a haymaker to the jaw at the least. But don't just give me a bare bones, what-you-see-is-what-you-get fight scene. I want a bar brawl as Greek tragedy and exploration of the human condition. I want hubris punished, the crushing weight of destiny, poor saps trying to avoid their fate only to bring it down on their own heads, fatal flaws that bring everything crashing down around you, compelling glimpses into the psyche of characters so real I could reach through my screen and touch them. If some poor sap just wanted to forget himself for a night and ended up going through some mountain of bullshit that could rival the Iliad or the Odyssey or the tale of Oedipus for pathos and the sheer cruelty of fate, you're on the right track. And whatever you do, don't just literally give me a retelling of a Greek myth or drama "but it's set in Cheers." I want something like Greek tragedy, not a modern day adaptation of literal Greek tragedy.

Word count maximum: 2000 words
Additional hellrules: *No pre-, post-, post-post, mid-, or otherwise apocalyptic stories; I'm just sick of 'em
* One additional rule per combatant available upon request; specify if you want a general flash rule or a challenge rule (things like "you can't use the letter i" or "no adjectives allowed")
Standard rules also apply. So no poetry, erotica, fanfic, quote tags, political screeds, bodily fluids, google docs, etc etc
Deadline: Thursday, January 31st, 11:59 PM PST

Flesnolk fucked around with this message at 03:49 on Jan 18, 2019

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

Judgement is cancelled

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

prompt

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

Pretty sure I PMed you or someone but here you go. Good on you being a good sport.

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

In, flash

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

.

Flesnolk fucked around with this message at 15:42 on Oct 26, 2019

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

Edit: Wow, mojo's fast

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

Jolly mode

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

Iíll do it if you convince them to accept HMs too

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

Sebmojo, onsetoutsider, Bolt Crank, anatomi, you guys have 23 hours and 50 minutes left to submit your brawls.

Lead out in cuffs posted:

After some inquiries from folks, and my consulting with the gods of Thunderdome, I have concluded that:

1. HMs are OK in addition to winning stories.
2. Brawl wins are OK too.

That should include a few more people. Honestly I just said "how about including the winning entries from this internet fiction writing competition I'm involved with", and I don't think the people making the discs will care about the subtle differences between HMs, wins and brawls.

Also, if anyone really, really has an HM story that they like more than the winning story they sent me, and wants to change, there is still time. Personally I'd advise against agonising over it.

Cool thanks, I'll pick from my qualified entries and PM you soon.

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

A reminder to the remaining combatants that they have until 11:59 PST, and it is currently 7:42 PST.

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h





Anatomi wins.

Well fought, gentlemen, thanks for submitting. It's always better to lose than to not submit at all. Expect crits within about 24 hours.

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

Onsetoutsider gets two more hours because I donít want to get anybody banned.

Write well.

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h





Sebmojo wins.

Good brawl, I'm glad you both got your stories in. I'll get some crits together in the next couple days.

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

How's about some Week 337 crits before judgement. These are a bit quick, but anyone who's interested can ask for a line-by-line. The rest are forthcoming.

Bot Builder
In my opinion, considering this story was submitted before signups even closed, you really jumped the gun and should have given yourself those extra days to revise your draft. Reading it, I was struck by how green it felt, like this was a first serious attempt at writing fiction. This story does the most literal, straightforward interpretation of the Lytton sentence possible and really suffers for it, because it's not taking any risks or straying outside the box at all. Considering the story literally opens with a man committing suicide via rivet gun, it's striking just how beige and impactless it is. A lot of words are spent bluntly telling us things instead of really drawing us into the story, and what story there is is a pretty stock resistance-against-evil-robot-overlords thing. The prose does the bare minimum necessary to get us from point A to point B, and there are barely any characters of consequence at all in the entry, let alone ones whose fates we actually care about. Good on you for sticking with it, though; a lot of people would have fled in shame if their first entry to the Dome landed them a loss.

The Benefits of Wearing Many Hats
This is a charming, breezy read that demonstrates a good grasp of character voice, and I like the central idea of a Fez Of Holding. It was, however, a bit too straightforward and what-you-see-is-what-you-get to really stand out among the pack. This is more a sequence than a full narrative of its own, and the characters therein, while they have a decent voice to them, feel rather static. This is a pretty standard gentleman thief-avoids-lawman-antagonist caper tale, feeling a little more in the vein of Lupin III than Arsene Lupin himself, and it sticks to that archetype like a new skater first stepping onto the rink: they cling to the wall for dear life as if convinced they'll fall and break something the moment they venture forth.

Give Me Love, My Heart
This was a little awkward to read at points, which I chalked up to ESL issues. The prose is clunky and some of the inter-character drama feels fairly rote, like the cheating angle, but what you did with your prompt was engaging enough I stuck through it. I found this an intriguing entry that stood out quite a bit between the twists you put on your sentence and the marked improvement it showed over your previous effort. This easily ended up one of the more memorable entries of the week.

The Hundred-Tome #339: The Anagramancer and the Manticore
This one was controversial. As noted in the results post, your entry spurred a lot of debate on what a TD piece even is, and if this, strictly speaking, counts as the kind of thing we're looking for with this contest. That's a strength in its own way, as a lot of the great works of art challenge us to ask ourselves what the artform in question actually is in the first place, and at several points I found this effort of yours quite clever and endearing. I remember being pleasantly surprised that you went through the trouble of actually programming a CYOA game for this, talk about going the extra mile. In the end, though, while I felt the effort and cleverness deserved a nod of some sort, I also felt this was gimmicky and outside the scope of what we're looking for. I hate the "wasn't really a story" kind of crit for many reasons (above all: it's kind of useless and gives the recipient little to work with unless you back it up with a lot of other stuff, but also what even is "a story"? Are we going to ding Calvino for Invisible Cities now and say he wasn't "really" writing?) but this felt more like an exercise in wordplay and game design than an actual story or piece of writing; reading this, I got "let's see how many anagrams I can come up with" from it moreso than anything else. Unfortunately, that also leaves me unsure what else to really pick at for improving this. I feel a little dumb for admitting that, but it's part of my initial misgivings with it; I don't feel like I can approach this like I would another entry, because it's a different creature altogether.


Itís Virtual Web 2.0 Or Something
I actually put this up for DQ because its opening sentence, in my opinion, breaks the prompt. The prompt post specifically said the sentence couldn't be from an in-universe text, it had to be the actual opening of the story. My suggestion got voted down, of course. While you escaped a DM or loss, this story didn't land for me. It felt too zany, bouncing from point to point without ever really sinking the hooks in or giving us much meat to chew on, and the entire time I vaguely felt like the story was thumbing its nose at me, the reader.


A Picnic with Daedalus
Dull, cuts off right as things start to actually happen, doesn't give me much of a reason to care what's going on. More of a snapshot or a vignette, but not told strongly enough to grab my attention and make me ask for more. This story is all setup and exposition and it meanders on and on such that my attention finally wandered and I found the story ending on me in an abrupt way I didn't really get. When I finally noticed the punchline, it occurred to me you had set the foundations for it too poorly for me to even notice there was supposed to be a joke. This entry never got off the ground, so for me its punchline didn't land at all.

You Can Lead a Bird to Water...
Proofreading is important! Ending your story on a typo is like a big ol' faceplant right at the finish line. This is a cute story of wildlife scientists trying to help an endangered population, but there's not much bite to it, and in that respect I don't think it lives up to either its prompt sentence or the implications of its actual premise. I would have preferred more stakes, more of a feeling of urgency to their work, and of course a proofreading run.

Thirty Million Credits.
Two paragraphs of pure exposition when you only have 1000 words to work with? A bold strategy. And by bold, I mean don't do that. Flash fiction rewards getting right to the point, like taking a really zoomed in photograph as opposed to a huge sweeping panoramic shot, and you could argue that taste is the same in a lot of modern fiction. This entry sets up a lot of questions it doesn't bother to answer, ends in an odd way where two of us weren't actually sure what happened, and I never felt particularly invested in anything that was going on.

Transparency
It feels like a copout, maybe even a clichť, but this feels like the beginning of a story rather than a complete thing in itself. I enjoyed your concept and the characters you showed us, but right as the story begins to move somewhere it's just over. I would suggest this as the premise of a larger thing, or relegating this first meeting entirely to backstory and showing us one of this pair's later escapades instead.

Endless
I genuinely liked this and if you hadn't DQed yourself I would've pushed for it to HM or maybe even win.

Here's Something I Tried To Write
This was interesting, but I think you told the story in a muddled way that didn't really let your ideas shine. Personally, I would have leaned more into the after action report/debriefing interview conceit; as it is, you waffle between that and a straightforward narrative, and the result is neither approach really works.

This is Dumb
It's a shame this had to be DQ'd, because I enjoyed it a lot, and would have given it a high place if it came in on time.

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h


Please no

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

Exmond posted:

YES! And you know we should make this a Triple Threat, Flesnolk you should get into this brawl instead of posting crits before judgement is up.

:toxx:

No

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Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

If anatomi accepts Iíll judge

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