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Thunderdome Week 363: Face Our Gods and March Backwards Into Hell When an Egyptian died, they would have to present themselves before forty-two gods, each of whom would judge whether they committed a certain crime. In these more civilized times, we only have three judges, and they mostly just worry about word crimes. This week, you are going to take one of the forty-two gods of the underworld and use them as inspiration for your story. You don't have to use name AND place AND crime; use whatever bit calls to you. Don't go picking around the list like a buffet though, that's not polite. Choose a god when you sign up, or  and I'll assign you one.The theme this week is cycles. Seasons turn, history repeats itself, the past comes back to haunt you--interpret it however you'd like. 1200 words maximum, enter by 11 PM Pacific on Friday, submit by 11 PM Pacific on Sunday. All genres accepted.  due to td anniversary shenanigans the winner of this week will be judging not next week, but the week after next (first weekend in august) Sitting in the Hall of the Two Truths: Djeser ??? ??? The Honored Dead: Saucy_Rodent - You of the darkness/the darkness/quarreling Anomalous Amalgam - Lord of truth/Maaty/stealing bread Mr. Steak - Pale one/Heliopolis/babbling Getsuya - You of the altar/the secret placed/hoodwinking Pham Nuwen - Temsep/Busiris/conjuration against the king Pepe Silvia Browne - Owner of faces/Nedjefet/impatience Flerp - Double lion/the sky/destruction of food Sitting Here - You who acted willfully/Tjebu/wading in water Black Griffon - Serpent with raised head/the cavern/dishonest wealth Solitair - Eater of entrails/house of thirty/perjury Uranium Phoenix - Far strider/the abyss/unhearing of truth MockingQuantum - Owner of faces/the dusk/unhearing of truth Thranguy - See whom you bring/House of Min/misbehavior derp - Owner of horns/Asyut/volubility of speech sparksbloom - Blood-eater/the shambles/killing a sacred bull Siddhartha Glutamate - Wanderer/Bubastis/eavesdropping Ironic Twist - Owner of faces/Nedjefet/impatience Nikaer Drekin - Hot-foot/the dusk/neglect Yoruichi - Owner of horns/Asyut/volubility of speech sebmojo - Water-smiter/the abyss/being loud-voiced Obliterati - Bringer of your offering/Sais/unduly active Drunk Nerds - Bone breaker/Herakleopolis/lying Antivehicular - Face behind him/cavern of wrong/copulating with a boy Simply Simon - Bestower of good/the harpoon nome/doing ...? Vinestalk - Bestower of powers/the city/making distinctions for self Choose from this list: pre:THE GOD WHO COMES FROM WHO JUDGES Far-strider Heliopolis falsehood Fire-embracer Kheraha robbery Nosey Hermopolis rapaciousness Swallower of shades the cavern stealing Dangerous one Rosetau murder Double lion the sky destruction of food Fiery eyes Letopolis crookedness Flame came forth backwards stealing offerings Bone breaker Herakleopolis lying Green of flame Memphis taking food You of the cavern the West sullenness White of teeth Fayum transgression Blood-eater the shambles killing a sacred bull Eater of entrails House of Thirty perjury Lord of truth Maaty stealing bread Wanderer Bubastis eavesdropping Pale one Heliopolis babbling Doubly evil Andjet disputing Wamenty-snake place of execution adultery See whom you bring House of Min misbehaviour Over the Old One Imau terrorizing Demolisher Xois transgressing Disturber Weryt being hot-tempered Youth Heliopolitan nome unhearing of truth Foreteller Wenes making disturbance You of the altar the secret place hoodwinking Face behind him cavern of wrong copulating with a boy Hot-foot the dusk neglect You of the darkness the darkness quarreling Bringer of your offering Sais unduly active Owner of faces Nedjefet impatience Accuser Wetjenet damaging a god's image Owner of horns Asyut volubility of speech Nefertem Memphis wrongdoing, beholding evil Temsep Busiris conjuration against the king You who acted willfully Tjebu wading in water Water-smiter the abyss being loud voiced Commander of mankind your house reviling God Bestower of good the harpoon nome doing ...? Bestower of powers the city making distinctions for self Serpent with raised head the cavern dishonest wealth Serpent who brings and gives the silent land blasphemy Djeser fucked around with this message at 02:30 on Jul 21, 2019 |
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Jul 15, 2019 15:50
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| # ¿ Apr 16, 2024 18:21 |
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Getsuya posted:In and You of the altar, who comes from the secret place, who judges hoodwinking.
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Jul 15, 2019 16:15
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Double lion, who comes from the sky, who judges destruction of food.
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Jul 15, 2019 16:46
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Black Griffon posted:gently caress it, in with Serpent with raised head/the cavern/dishonest wealth
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Jul 15, 2019 22:37
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sparksbloom posted:In Blood-eater/the shambles/killing a sacred bull Siddhartha Glutamate posted:In, but I can't decide on anything. So Wanderer/Bubastis/eavesdropping Owner of faces/Nedjefet/impatience
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Jul 16, 2019 07:09
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Nikaer Drekin posted:In, with a Hot-foot/the dusk/neglect Yoruichi posted:I'm sorry I can't hear you over all the chanting for blood Owner of horns/Asyut/volubility of speech sebmojo posted:Yah, in toxx Water-smiter/the abyss/being loud-voiced
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Jul 16, 2019 23:20
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Bringer of your offering/Sais/unduly active
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Jul 17, 2019 02:16
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Drunk Nerds posted:
Bone breaker/Herakleopolis/lying Face behind him/cavern of wrong/copulating with a boy
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Jul 18, 2019 06:43
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Sitting Here posted:actually can I You who acted willfully/Tjebu/wading in water
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Jul 18, 2019 07:46
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Oh yeah, entries closed. Fun tips for this week Remember you don't have to use all the parts of your prompt if you don't want to. Include your prompt when you post your story or Kaishai will be upset. If you forget to include your prompt don't edit it into your story, just post it after! DON'T EDIT YOUR POST!!Also submissions close at 11 PM Pacific/2 AM Eastern/6 AM UTC/7 AM London time. You won't get toxx-banned as long as you submit by the time judgement is posted. Don't gamble on SJBJ.
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Jul 20, 2019 13:56
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Entries closed. Getsuya and Siddhartha Glutamate have until judgement is posted to submit.
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Jul 22, 2019 07:02
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Black Griffon posted:Not a complaint not a complaint not a complaint, just a question: crits and judging for last week sometime this week or next week in time with the prompt? This week. It has been delayed slightly due to health reasons, but judgement is coming. That said, as there's only one judge, anyone who does crits for last week's stories will be much appreciated, I'm sure.
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Jul 23, 2019 17:24
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THUNDERDOME WEEK 363 RESULTS Anomalous Amalgam's Live Honestly was not particularly bad, just particularly generic amid a soggy middle of interesting ideas executed poorly. It's this week's...dishonorable mention, just so I can be contrary. No loser this week, it's a Thunderdome Anniversary Miracle!  The winner is sparksbloom because I said so. HMs to Uranium Phoenix and Yoruichi because they're the ones I remember with a happy face instead of a frowny face. Time to sleep for five thousand years. I'll be in my sarcophagus.
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Jul 24, 2019 09:03
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Thunderdome Week 363 Crits: Thumbing the Scales of Truth I ranked stories on a scale from 1-4, which turned out to actually be 2-4 because all your stories were basically okay. It's like you're getting better at writing or something. I don't like it. Sebmojo, Steamed - 3 Sat on this one for a minuute or two before I picked out the metaphor, which was handily stated right there in the middle so I wouldn't miss it. It's a nice thought, but not exactly intuitive, this difference between steam and water, hot versus cold. The more I think about it the more I see it (water cuts deeper, becomes ingrained, while steam allows new things to happen) but it feels as though this is missing the key image, the thing that makes me go 'aha' as I'm reading. 'Water dissolves' is the weak link, I think. Thranguy, Shattered - 4 A satisfyingly low-key magical world here, with a lot of authentically teenagery bad decisions. Most of my gripes are dangerously close to Cinema Sins complaints. Do the other magic outcasts know about the ice mom thing? Is it believable, in this world, that ice mom could have been real, or when she shattered was it obvious that she was a magical construct? The concluding bit is heavy on the exposition, like the story's rushing to tie everything up. (Also, I thought the grave was for ice mom before I realized it was for meat mom, and ice mom had taken her place.) Still good, but I think this story wanted to be a couple hundred words longer. Pepe Silvia Browne, The Assessment at Miccosukee Indian Village - 2 This is fun, but kinda light. It's not a bad structure for a story, sure, but it's a bit of a stock plot, even if it's dressed up with some interestingly Florida Gothic ideas. The characters are a bit one-note too, which also isn't necessarily a problem, but part of the crux here is that Seth is somehow good enough to be sent back to earth, despite all I see of him being a straightforward rear end in a top hat. I guess the recursive supermarket bit is his character development, but the beginning bit is a bit lacking. I felt like he ought to be either more comedically impatient, or to have some kind of ironic conflict where he swings between attempting to be nice and having sudden outbursts. Anomalous Amalgam, Live Honestly - 2 The ideas here are fine, if a bit stock. I would have poked more at the 'noble thief' trope. Surely a supernatural judge has heard plenty of justifications for someone's sins. What if Samir had to consider more deeply whether he was actually helping his sister or just being greedy? What could a divine being do to figure out the true nature of someone's character? I liked the images of the living robe, and of returning to his body, but on the other hand, there were some real clunker lines in there too. "His mouth began to salivate in anticipation of his meal" sounds like you could be describing Pavlov's dog, and the bit where he runs into the guard has some stumbly sentence pacing. Cut up some of those long phrases. "Knocked into the dust and scrambling to hold onto the bread he had taken, he didn’t see the scimitar swinging down on him in time." could easily be three sentences. Nikaer Drekin, The Heavy Heart - 3 There's good images in here, and only a couple places where the writing gets away from the story a bit. (Mostly the part after the break, where it's Hot-foot's monologue.) At the start I was a little unclear whether they liked neglect or not (i.e., do they enjoy condemning people) though it clears up later on. That part where it gets messy is also basically the big important bit of the story, which isn't great; the story feels back-heavy because of it, when that should probably be coming a bit sooner. I like the plot here a lot, but it could be focused in closer on Hot-foot's impulsiveness and the idea that he commits the sin he hates out of indignance that someone else could be so neglectful. Solitair, The Secret-Keeper - 3 This held my interest throughout, but the ending falls prey to being a bit too close to what you'd expect. There's a court interrogation, obviously something is fishy about the witness but there's no proof, and then later on, new evidence reveals the con. It's basically a mystery story, in that it's setup for the reveal, but here the reveal is almost like "the butler DID do it". It needed a bit more impact. Is it unthinkable to the stoic Kenta that someone would break their mind for this, all for political change? Is there an implication that Kenta themselves is the decoy, that they were working against the old regime all along? The prose itself I had no problem with, aside from one or two places where "they" got used to refer both to Kenta and someone(s) else, and I had to take a moment to sort out which they it was referring to. Antivehicular, Lights in the Cavern of Wrong - 4 The cool thing about a story in IKEA is that all the stuff you read about is stuff you can buy. Even the glove fetish. You took the joke prompt I gave you and made it into an actual story, drat it. I don't have much to say, because this is overall pretty good. The voice works well for this kind of insecurity, of being with someone you like but who's from an entirely different social class than you. The anti-climax at the end is good too, as a resolution to the pervasive internal tension. Based on your performance here, I'm making a note to give you Rural Rentboys prompts for all subsequent weeks I judge. Obliterati, As Above, So Below - 3 The biggest flaw I see in this is that it's high-concept in a way that makes it difficult to know what's in the realm of possibility. I think it's the connection between mining Mercury for resources and apparently uploading rich people into the nanobots that are mining Mercury...it feels like there's two hundred or so words that would have bridged the gap that just aren't there. But despite the fact that I used a lot of this crit to gripe about that, I like this a lot. It fuses the idea of astrology with a world where you actually can change the planets in an interesting way. sparksbloom, Exsanguination - 4 This feels flash-fictiony, and I mean that in a good way. (A bit like sebmojo's, come to think of it.) It doesn't quite have the full-circle most Thunderdome stories have, but it sets a mood effectively. I got the feeling from this of a world that's slightly wrong, between the wailing cows and Kathleen apparently ferrying people around non-stop. It sounds like something's in crisis off-screen, and this is only an extension of what's happening somewhere else. Hopefully that was on purpose. Sitting Here, Oceanatrix - 4 Hey, this is cool. The mythopoeia here reminds me a lot of Orphan's Tale stuff, because it has that same sort of misunderstood tragedy, something special soiled by short-sighted humans, et cetera et cetera. Then it winds up being a metaphor for what's happening in the broader story, too. The only weak part if you ask me is right at the end. There's nothing wrong with the "you've got a hell of a story, audible wink" but, I dunno. It feels like there's something more unique to this woman of the primordial waters that could happen at the end, even if the ultimate result would be unchanged. Black Griffon, Things that are not - 4 This could have used another edit pass or two, but I like what's going on here. It takes a little longer than it should to get what's going on, but once you figure out what's happening, it's interesting. If the first bit was tighter and quicker, and if the middle bit didn't rely so much on the word 'something' (trust me, I know how hard it is to write about things which are meant to be impossible to remember) I think this would be pretty drat good. I like how the things that have already been forgotten are things that don't exist; it's easy to get sympathy by going "oh, we don't have books any more" but it's harder to do the same for something no one has attachment too, but you pull it off here in a compelling way. derp, The Tomb! - 2 This is fine. It's jokey, yeah, but that's about what I expected from the title. Trying to look at this both from the perspective of a joke and the perspective of a story, I wound up at the same problem: Jack and Marriane basically have the same punchline/characterization. Someone talks a lot, Owner of Horns attacks. The context is different (Jack is self-centered, Marianne is wife) but not by enough to make it feel like a new joke. There's too much characterization of their relationship to make it just an "it happens again" gag, but there's not enough to sell the idea that Marriane, who apparently likes him enough to have married him, would just go and do the thing that sets him off. "Marianne talks too much during sex", while still a cheap gag, would have at least built off of their relationship, and then you'd get to write a scene where a mummy monster bones down. I'm not sure why anyone would pass up that opportunity. Simply Simon, The Good of Generations - 3 This has a feature I generally don't like in Thunderdome stories (surprise acts of violence) but on the other hand, I really like the way it ends, and once I know that and I go back to look at the whole, I can see this idea that neglecting Bestower of Good is the right thing to do, and that's what's been going on until Jacob/Jacob mess it up. I think what keeps this from really shining is that it takes a while in the beginning to get going, and that by the end, it still feels like Bestower might just be a weird rear end in a top hat--I like the ambiguity of the ending, but it could have used omething that reflects back to the beginning, about how the statue should (or wants to?) be left alone. Editor's note: At this point, Djeser fell asleep for approximately two days. Pham Nuwen, The Walls of Busiris - 2 I was worried when this story started off with the word 'ken' and even more worried about the word 'puissant', but the voice never got thick enough to strangle the story, even if it got a bit dense where it's talking in circles around the radio (or whatever tech it was that the trap worked on). There's good meat here but it could use more flavor; there's a number of stories I've read with the whole far-future, magic-returns kind of vibe (Virconium, The Braining of Mother Lamprey) and I wanted to hear more about how the earth has changed now that the sun is no longer yellow, etc. The suggestive tidbits are interesting, but I don't even know what the beasts are beyond beasts with limbs and snouts. It's also a bit heavy on the explaining, which is going to happen in a story with as much magic as this, but I don't think the ultimate connection is satisfying enough to click. For a story about solving a puzzle, you want the solution to be something the reader wouldn't think of immediately, but which in hindsight makes perfect sense. flerp, what is given - 4 This is Djeser Talks About Books Hour I guess because this reminded me of some of the stories in Under The Jaguar Sun, because they also have this hyper-focus on a sense as the basis for a story. I could complain about a couple things here, but then I'd be back in Cinema Sins territory like I was with Thranguy's. How do zoo lions know about cherries? But those questions aren't really the point. A lot of stories this week felt a bit too big for 1200 words but this feels maybe 200 words too thick. It's a dwelling and contemplative sort of story, but it could use a bit of trimming and editing to make sure it doesn't start to slide off of the readers' brains before they're done. Ironic Twist, Dead Earnest - 4 I like this. A contemplative maggot is an interesting choice for a protagonist and it fits pretty well with this combination of gallows humor and navel-gazing. I do kinda get the feeling that thhis story might have started with "I LARVAE YOU LONG TIME" and then proceeded from there, since there's not much later on that's as much of an obvious joke. It's a good job of setting the tone, though, and that tone carries it through an arc that might otherwise be a bit pat. A human doing all this would be a bit of an rear end in a top hat, but a maggot makes it much more bearable. Vinestalk, Delivered - 3 This isn't bad, though it feels a bit longer than it needs to be. There's also an ambiguity to the ending where I can't tell if it's intentionally left vague, or whether there just wasn't enough space to finish. (I'm choosing to read it as now that Dax has left his mortal past behind he can be resurrected/move on to a more final afterlife. Either way.) I liked the voice; it felt true to someone who's a generally angry person. Afterlife stories like these are always a little tricky because by nature they tend to come off like they've got morals, even if they don't intend to. It's hard to say whether Dax was right to accept things, and I think it could have used another scene before the ending, where he's getting a bit more willing to let go of his anger/memories, so the reader gets to see more of why it's happening. Drunk Nerds, Beakbait - 2 Despite there being a line or two in here that pushes the world of the story a little too far (New Jersey sucks, yes, but it is unfortunately within the land of the living) I think this is a decent story that's a little too talky. Come back with an editing pass and trim off some of the flabby bits, and this is a decent myth/Twilight Zone episode. Someone thinks he's outsmarted the gods, but his one advantage is taken away from him, revealing his hubris, yadda yadda, it's all very Greek and good. Honestly, if a little foreshadowing was sprinkled in about pecking out eyes (even a mythology gag or two about some birds getting to eat tasty liver all day, but ah, I'd settle even just for popping some idiot's eye...) I would have upgraded this from decent to kinda clever. Yoruichi, Apis - 4 I'm into it. I'm also into the number of people who wrote non-human protagonists this week, and I didn't even have it as a flash rule. Nice. This is simple, it's straightforward, and it's written well. It's also only five hundred words, which I really appreciate right at the moment. It's a very Thunderdomy sort of flash fiction, too, as it's a really quickly executed full story. The main character's conflict starts before she's even born. Now that's a tidy pace. Uranium Phoenix, Sins of the Past - 4 Hey, you thought you were going to get away with not reading the prompt post because I haven't been bothering to read the prompts, but Kaishai's error-checking alorithms noticed that you went and picked a bunch of things from random gods like I told people not to do. The good news is that I'm enough of an idiot not to have noticed, so I'm not going to penalize you for it or nothing, but watch yourself, Buckminsterfullerene Bird. Luckily, this story is good. It's a pretty direct reinterpretation of the bit of Egyptian belief I themed the week around, but it works. And I mentioned a few times in my crits for the other stories about how a "puzzle" story depends on the solution you use to solve it. Here, the solution is set up early, and the character is the sort of person who would find that solution. There are a few quibbly things I could pick at: if the nanites can tell the truth about anything, has no one else who came here sincerely wanted to learn? Was one good person enough to free everyone trapped on the planet? But these are relatively small things, and mostly about in-world consistency more than any actual complaint with the writing.
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Jul 24, 2019 09:05
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i am "in" for this "prompt"
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Aug 7, 2019 02:59
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Djeser fucked around with this message at 21:52 on Jan 1, 2020 |
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Aug 11, 2019 22:15
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The writers are talented, but behind every talented writer is a mountain of bad stories and Thunderdome is that mountain 
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Aug 20, 2019 17:29
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sebmojo posted:I have in my mind a hellrule so demonic that only the strongest can step to it, yet I know there is one such among u hi
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Sep 6, 2019 06:49
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Djeser fucked around with this message at 21:52 on Jan 1, 2020 |
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Sep 8, 2019 21:51
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Post More Cats 200 words You gotta post 'em. It's the only way to keep 'em down. Bullets, acid, dynamite--nine lives is an understatement. They've gotta have no less than two hundred and eighty four. By my count, at least. Folks thought it was cute at first. Didn't run the numbers. Then there were the spay-and-neuter squads. Didn't work either. The containment facilities. Couldn't cram them all in, couldn't keep up with the breeding. So now you gotta post 'em. It's pretty easy. You want it about two, three inches in diameter, sharpened at one end. Ram it right down their mouth and out their rear end. You want them to look like a cartoon, cause that means they can't get out. Got one of them on every fencepost on the way up to the house. Legs stuck out, glassy eyes staring at me. I put 'em there so the others know what's in store when they come around. So they know I'm not going down like the rest. Like Bill. You know the first one I posted, that was the one that bit off his wedding ring? Popped that ring back out like a candy machine in a soda shop. This's for you, Bill.
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Sep 16, 2019 17:25
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in
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Sep 17, 2019 03:35
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Are they circumcised?
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Sep 17, 2019 21:26
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Djeser fucked around with this message at 21:53 on Jan 1, 2020 |
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Sep 23, 2019 05:55
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 Riddle of the Sphinx
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Sep 25, 2019 10:04
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in
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Oct 10, 2019 20:40
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for that smojo flava
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Oct 10, 2019 22:19
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Djeser fucked around with this message at 21:53 on Jan 1, 2020 |
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Oct 14, 2019 12:27
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luckily interprompts are no rules just right 
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Oct 29, 2019 11:27
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in wildlife hellrule me sebby
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Nov 12, 2019 15:56
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sephiRoth IRA posted:I forget, is going over the limit a bit acceptable? Like fewer than 70 words? You might get away with it if the judges don't notice.
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Nov 13, 2019 20:26
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Entenzahn posted:Wheres my hellrule mother fucker should have asked for one then
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Nov 14, 2019 22:29
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Djeser fucked around with this message at 21:53 on Jan 1, 2020 |
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Nov 17, 2019 21:23
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Thunderdome Week 381 - The Book of Sand Is Long and Boring, No One Can Lift the drat Thing My favorite Borges stories are about impossible objects. The Book of Sand, about a book that contains infinite pages. The Disk, about an object with only one side. Blue Tigers, about an uncountable set of stones. This week, you're going to write stories about impossible objects. I'm leaving the definition of "object" open. If you want to write about an impossible house or pool or whatever, good on you. NB: I said "stories". Stories have characters. DMs will be given for SCP articles. 1000 words Sign ups close Friday at 11 PM Pacific Submissions close Sunday at 11 PM Pacific Toxx for a flash rule with a certain theme  Judges: Djeser ??? ??? Entrants: Thranguy Carl Killer Miller sephiRoth IRA SlipUp Gau Black Griffon Antivehicular sebmojo Jon Joe lofi Anomalous Amalgam flerp QuoProQuid magic cactus Haven Entenzahn Djeser fucked around with this message at 17:32 on Nov 23, 2019 |
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Nov 20, 2019 07:34
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Thranguy posted:In, hit me https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iRkSP3a2Rsc
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Nov 20, 2019 07:39
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Carl Killer Miller posted:In, Toxx me up https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KuD8bTyKYjM
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Nov 20, 2019 07:44
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Also so you know I don't care how much you use what I give you. You can just jam out to the song for a bit if you want. I'd rather you write something good than write something that references a Magnetic Fields song.
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Nov 20, 2019 07:45
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vvgc1ZUFyJ0 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSjc4rJUZdY
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Nov 20, 2019 08:28
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8R9QTv6rngc
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Nov 20, 2019 08:31
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lofi posted:In, gimme a theme! Anomalous Amalgam posted:Also in, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwnLlQ6t2uE QuoProQuid posted:
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Nov 20, 2019 16:24
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lofi posted:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQ8ZyU0uy7s
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Nov 20, 2019 17:43
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