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flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




in

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flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




794 words

Amphisbaena .

The World is a Rat

archives

flerp fucked around with this message at 21:28 on Apr 12, 2019

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




Pham Nuwen posted:

Yeah but the prompt tho

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




steeltoedsneakers posted:

Right?

Someone fight me. I dares ya.

hello this week's prompt sucks ill fight u

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




week 336 crits

ive written too many words on too few stories but i dont want them to go to waste. i will probably, eventually, write crits of more stories this week and they will probably, unfortunately, be as in-depth

Dolash

Ok, let’s talk about something called “active voice.” Let’s look at this sentence and I’ll explain why it’s bad

quote:

The words of Peter's sister still rang in his ears as he dug through the dirt, seeking some trace of the buck's passing.

So, when you read this sentence, the first noun is “words” and our brains go ok that’s the subject of the sentence. BUT! That’s actually not the true subject, because the actual subject, the person doing things in the sentence, is Peter. This is why the sentence is passive -- the object of the sentence comes first, and then the subject comes later. The sentence would be better as

quote:

Peter heard his sister’s voice in his head as he dug through the dirt, seeking some trace of the buck’s passing.

Notice two things. First, The action is immediate. Peter is hearing something immediately and gives the protagonist more agency. In the first sentence, it’s like something is happening to Peter. In the second, Peter is now doing something, even if it’s just hearing. Subtle, but it makes the sentence more engaging. The second thing is that it cuts down word count. It’s two words less, which might not seem like a lot, but flash fiction is all about doing as much as possible in as little space as possible, so cutting down two words while making the sentence stronger gives you two more words to work with later on in the story.

Besides passive voice problem throughout, the story itself is decent. It’s mostly just an action piece, with adequate buildup and release. It’s fine in the sense that a hour long car drive is fine if there’s no traffic, but it isn’t going to actually be memorable in any way. The character is just kind of there for the action to happen to w/o really any personality. It’s a lil odd that he’s out here to hunt, he gets into a spot to kill an animal, and then doesnt. The line “weighing the cost of returning home empty-handed” also makes me think he’s hunted before so it’s weird that he’s just like “well, ima just not shoot these deer” with no explanation of why. And the resolution is that the buck is lying there next to the water, vulnerable, so there’s an implication that Peter learned to not hurt animals from his encounter with magic stag, but he already did that earlier so there’s not really a lesson learned, right? Maybe im reading the ending wrong, but otherwise, the ending is just “there’s some deer around too” and like okay i guess thats an image but does it mean anything?

Oh yeah, and your first two lines don’t really make any sense because it being the royal forest never comes into play. Or the sister. Or like, anything. Cut your first paragraph.

Bolt Crank

Off the bat, there’s a pretty big flaw, in that most of the beginning doesnt really make sense if you dont know the characters are hedgehogs. You only drop that in like four or five lines down, and then im like ohhhhhhh and i have to reread the rest of the lines to be like oh ok thats what was up.

There shouldn’t be this many characters. In flash, you barely have time to flesh out one character. Please, do not have four characters.

The really big problem with this story, though, is that it doesn’t focus on a character for a very long time. At the start, I can’t figure out if Parosh or Fior are the protagonist, since they seem to have equal weight, and there doesn’t seem to be any attempt to distinguish one from the other. They both speak pretty similarly, are equally mean to each other, have the same motivations, etc etc. So, when the story has Fior become the protagonist it felt jarring because i was like whoa ok i guess Fior is the protag now??? And then, you do this:

quote:

Shortly after Fior leaves, the naked Gruyere begins to feel the seeping chill of the autumn air.

This is very subtly bad, and, contextless, doesnt look like it should be bad. But, read through your story, and you’ll realize, nearly all your descriptions of things are all observable. That is, none of your descriptions involve a character’s perception or feeling. Your narrator was third person objective throughout the entire piece. And now, all of a sudden, we know what Gruyere feels, which is very jarring and strange. BUT the bigger problem with this is that Gruyere is just a supporting character. He isn’t established as a protagonist, or even as an especially important character besides having shiny stuff, so it’s weird that now that you’ve finally decided to put us in the headspace of the character, you don’t give us Fior’s perspective (the protagonist), or even Parosh’s (the antagonist). You instead put us into the headspace of a boring side character.

The resolution is really bad, but it shows a thought process that makes me hopeful. You know that it would be too cliche to have the story end with Fior getting the girl, and you know Parosh would be too predictable as well. So instead, you try to subvert both of those expectations and try to surprise us with Gruyere being Ourra’s choice. However, the problem is that isn’t foreshadowed. Hell, I didn’t even know they were trying to gently caress Ourra. I actually thought Ourra was an elder that they were trying to impress (probably because of how incredibly overwrought ALL of your dialogue was). But like, the ending is surprising in the same way that a car accident running over a protagonist is a surprising ending. You literally couldn’t predict it because Gruyere just kinda showed up and Ourra was like i guess ill have pity on you and also ill shake off all of my spines for some reason and become a naked mole rat. And then the resolution being Parosh’s and Fior’s relationship developing into something positive is, in some sense, a good idea, but it’s heavily rushed. It just comes out of nowhere because they were at each other’s throats for the whole story and then IMMEDIATELY they become friends. It’s a bad ending in it’s execution, but the actually ideas surrounding the ending are not actually bad. If it was executed better, it might’ve worked, which is a pretty good thing.

Yoruichi

This a decent piece. I think, ultimately, the problem is that Bram isn’t forced to learn anything. He helps the stoat and they breed like crazy and eat all the birds. That’s fine, and it can have an actual character development where Bram realizes ok yeah maybe my grandfather is right, maybe we have to kill things for a reason. BUT Bram doesnt actually have to come to that realization. Because, the consequences of Bram’s earlier actions are not solved by Bram, but by his grandfather. So, we get a story where a kid does a stupid thing, and then his grandfather does what he does, and there ultimately isnt much change in this story.

That’s not to say that the story has to end on Bram realizing that sometimes you have to kill things, and that life isnt sacred, or whatever. It can end on Bram coming to the opposite conclusion. The problem is that Bram makes a decision, and the interesting part about decisions are the consequences. So, what I want to see, is how Bram deals with those consequences. In some sense, it doesn’t matter what Bram actually learns from this, as long as he seems to learn something and whatever he learned, he translates that into an action. But instead, the grandfather makes a decision for him, and while maybe you couldve explored that dynamic, you dont. It builds up to Bram making a decision, and being forced to see what his decision did, but then it isnt resolved by Bram then doing something about the consequences. It’s solved by somebody else.

Also, the ending line made me physically wince at how unearned it is. Or, at least, how unrelated it is to the whole entire piece. The reason the ending line doesn’t work is because it seems to end on this kind of bittersweet relationship between grandchild and grandfather, but the thrust of the story is not focused on said relationship. So the ending doesn’t work because it doesn’t provide an ending to the real story. The story ended, mostly, before the scene break.

HopperUK

You set up the mother as a kind person, helping the poor and all of the cool stuff. And then you set up the reason why people hate her as “she did not govern her tongue around those she thought foolish.” Now, I’m not saying that that’s unrealistic or whatever, but it creates some really weird situations. One, is that the mother is a virtuous person who goes out of their way to help everyone. And then she dies and curses them all to die and even the people who try to put out the fire die and she poison the wells and its like wait what didnt she try to help these people????? And then the mother tears out the guy’s throat with her loving teeth? There’s an odd disconnect between moments in this story, and it can be kinda explained as it being told not wholly accurately because it’s the sister recounting the story, but it still is jarring. Like, even just imagining a woman ripping out a guy’s throat. That seems like something that would be a lot harder than it sounds but i cannot say from experience and im nervous to google the answer. But really, this creates a problem where you’ve established the mother as a kind, caring person whose character flaw is “kind of a dick to some people” BUT THEN she curses the entire village??? That doesn’t make sense.

However, it might make sense if we look at it thematically, through the lens of the town’s anger transforming this kind person into a witch so petty that she curses the entire village to die. But if that’s the case, the anger of the village is neither adequately explained, nor is it made very detailed. I’m not saying the anger needs to be 100% logical. It doesnt. But, there’s no motivation for the anger. The rich man just doesn’t like the mother. Like, there’s not even an excuse for not liking the mother. There doesn’t need to be a reason that makes sense for his anger. There probably shouldn’t be a logical reason for his anger. But it needs to exist because anger doesnt exist for no reason, and if it does exist for no reason, there’s usually some way a person justifies that anger to themselves. So, even if that anger is that he thinks she’s a witch, and then there’s a famine, and then he’s like “ah you see this is what witches do” and then ok that shows an irrational, but real, sense of anger. But the other problem, which is that you don’t show the anger, creates the largest problem in this story. I like this idea -- a caring witch who helped others becomes hated by the community, and the anger of the community transformed the witch herself, and decides to curse the community itself of help it (it reminds me of DocKloc’s Bone Loom). But the problem is that the execution doesn’t work when we don’t actually see the vivid anger, the pain the mother might’ve felt to see the people she help turn against her. Without being able to see it, the transition from kind person who goes out of their way to help the poor to murderous witch who wants everyone to die feels sudden and jarring.

also, big problem, you don’t ever show the mother's flaw. You just say it exists and people hate her for it, but “she did not govern her tongue around those she thought foolish” can mean a lot of things. She could be like “hey you’re a dumb butt” or she could be like “you are a scourge of the land, your existence is meaningless, i hope you suffer for all eternity, and everyone would be happier if they knew you did not exist.” Without being able to see the character flaw in detail, we have to assume information, and it also establishes the mother as a super kind person who helps everyone, but is hated for no real reason. I’m not saying she needs to be a massive dick, but being giving us details about how she actually acts, we can see some motivation for disliking her, even if the reader themself doesn’t dislike her.

Pham Nuwen

This is cute, but cute only does so much. The story is overall pretty boring even if the conceit itself is kind of interesting. Ultimately, the big problem with the story is that while the idea is neat --- a guy says he dreams every that comes true, but really the gang he’s in make it true -- why does it matter? Your protag is just there. He says a little thing to be like “oh im here because i cant get work” but that motivation is weak and, ultimately, just a shallow excuse to get somebody new into the group so you have a reason to have exposition be directed to him. The story hinges itself on the conceit, but a conceit does not make a story. It needs to have something bigger than just a kind of neat concept, because it doesn’t actually engage in any meaningful way. It’s a satisfying story, in the sense that it’s “twist” is adequately foreshadowed and feels good, but when you try to engage with the story in a more intellectual way -- is the plot entertaining? Are the characters interesting? Are there themes or other ideas? Is the prose interesting? -- there’s not much there to actually unpack.

The disappointing bit is that the story end right when the story gets actually interesting. I think there’s stuff to actually unpack in this story, but you focused on ending the story on the twist, when what’s actually interesting is exploring what that twist means. How does the protag deal with this relevation? (Actually, that question is bad because your protag is a nobody with no motivations, but let’s assume the protag actually has motivation as a thought experiment. Like imagine if he joins because he thinks El Oso can dream up a cure for his mother’s illness and it’s like oh shiet hes a loving liar). What comes of El Oso’s lies? Why does the gang follow El Oso if they basically have to make El Oso’s dreams come true? It ends in an actually unsatisfying way because it doesnt resolve anything meaningful. Yes, okay, we learning he’s kind of lying, but what does that mean. How does that affect the narrator in any way, or the group, or el oso, or anything? The story becomes even more aggressively clear that it’s only about the conceit when, once you reveal the twist, it ends. You “resolved” the story by answering the core question: are the dreams real of fake? But the reality is that that resolution doesnt actually give us any closure onto the story. Nothing really changes, as it seems like the gang is just the way it’s always been and the protag doesnt change at all besides knowing El Oso has basically been lying the whole time. So what? There’s things to explore, but you don’t push the concept far enough to actually be engaging.

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




ok whatever its not technically active voice but it still sucks and is a problem and yes sometimes active voice is overemphasized (which is also why i critiqued other parts of the story) but in an action story having weird sentences that are close to passive makes action feel stilted and bad and now your actions story’s action feels bad. i also explain why it’s bad, it’s not like i only say “this is not active so it’s bad” but whatever go off i guess

im not brawling over dumb pedantic poo poo like “this isnt technically this phrase” when i describe why it’s bad to begin with

flerp fucked around with this message at 15:38 on Jan 22, 2019

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




im willing to have this discussion somewhere else because i dont think the thread is a good place for it and kayfabe is going to get in the way and also its just making GBS threads up the thread more. i shouldve said this to begin with rather than reply as i did (or ignored it) but what’s done is done. if you want, you can bring this into FA if you rly wanna have a larger talk about it, or ill try to be in IRC tonight if you want. but this thread isnt the place for it

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




in

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




1000 words

fortune cookies are bullshit anyways

archives

flerp fucked around with this message at 21:28 on Apr 12, 2019

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




in

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!





personally, im dead

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




nah

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




toesbrawl

673 words

same but unironically

archive

flerp fucked around with this message at 21:28 on Apr 12, 2019

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




Saucy_Rodent posted:

Seraphiel's story included a murder underneath an indoor tree with a star on top. The jolliness was implied.

And thanks for the crits. I was really worried that it was unclear that Sk'Kul was supposed to be a skeleton, I'm glad you understood that.

yeah crits are good

in

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!






1200 words

A Rifle Isn’t a Maybe Kind of Thing Though

archives

flerp fucked around with this message at 21:29 on Apr 12, 2019

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




Sitting Here posted:

This is a good post! Much better than piling on with empty quotes, in a writing thread, where you are supposed to use your own original words to express your ideas.

smdh, rhino save us from this madness

...e;fb

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




Saucy_Rodent posted:



Also in for the week. No flash, please.

Thranguy posted:

In for the brawl, .

Also for the week with a flash.

saucy_thranugy brawl

your entry will not be a story and it will not be cyberpunk (it will be proofread though).

the prompt is: "wasps, but good." do w/ that whatever you feel like. remember, dont write me a story

750 words

due feb 28th 11:59pm pst

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




yeah in

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




in

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




flash plz

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




saucy thranguy results

thranguy wins mostly because i like the comparision of wasps and atomic bombs. you almost lost because you said wasps die when they sting which they dont and normally i wouldnt be mad about that except thats what your entire poem is based on!!!!!!!!!!! but thranguy's ultimately flows better than rodent's and rodent's central idea of "we need bad things for there to be good things" is alright, but played out. thranguy's take on comparing human nature to a wasp's hosed-upness is a lot more original. i do wish u had toned down on the philosophizing tho.

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




Your authoritarian believes in samsara.

816 words

The Moth

archives

flerp fucked around with this message at 21:29 on Apr 12, 2019

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




in flash

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




third outsider brawl

third asked for a horror prompt, so instead, youre going to give me a feel good story where everyone is happy. also, it's about a flower shop

due 3/28 11:59 pm pst

1250 words

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




The witching hour is more powerful than most people know. It's also not when most people think it is.

1180 words

If cats don’t go to heaven, then what’s the point?

archives

flerp fucked around with this message at 21:29 on Apr 12, 2019

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




onsetoutsider skunk story crit

this is rather low effort, which the ending gives away very heavily. and i think it's obvious why the ending doesnt work. you set up a kind of horror-adjacent idea -- an ever growing pile of skunks -- and end it with a dude yelling "Sir Stinky the Smell-nifiscent" so yeah anyone could tell you didnt try with this ending. having your character die of a brain hemorrhage is also somehow even worse than the predictable answer of "getting murdered by a creepy weirdo in the woods" because now the story doesnt even teach a valuable lesson like "dont follow skunk carcasses into the woods and knock on the door of a cabin where the skunk carcasses seem to be coming from."

anyways, ending bad, so what. the rest of the story is relatively decent, but it meanders way too much. like, you couldve cut the first paragraph, and just made the first line be "there was a big ol' skunk pile," and this is already a story where barely anything happens. the other thing is you set up the skunk pile as being something supernatural -- dead things not smelling or even having flies is not natural at all -- but the ending doesnt pay that off at all. it's just a dude in the cabin. why arent the corpses smelling or decaying or covered in flies? the answer is, of course, you were lazy.

however, your character has no reason to do anything. she stops at the skunk pile because ????? and then she follows the skunks into the woods because ???? and then she enters the cabin because "well, i came this far already, might as well" which doesnt work because she wasnt motivated to do anything of this to begin with. again, another tell-tale sign of laziness. the character just does things because the plot needs to happen and it's very self evident. and, of course, your character has no character. they do things because you know characters are supposed to do things in stories.

the initial buildup to the skunk pile is decent, although the first paragraph is v wordy, you build into something resembling tension as you slowly ramp up the weirdness. hell, it mightve staved off a loss if it had an ending that was more interesting than "creepy dude in the woods" and had at least some kind of supernatural element that justified the skunks not smelling. it all completely deflates at the ending, of course, but the tension is there. but the protag doesnt matter and the ending doesnt matter and nothing really matters in this story, as i think we all know,

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




in flash

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




Your story is told as a series of letters.

993 words

To the gods it may concern

archives

flerp fucked around with this message at 21:30 on Apr 12, 2019

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




in

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




flerp posted:

third outsider brawl

third asked for a horror prompt, so instead, youre going to give me a feel good story where everyone is happy. also, it's about a flower shop

due 3/28 11:59 pm pst

1250 words

per a mutually agreed upon request, deadline is 3/29 11:59pm pst now

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




that was pretty easy to judge

third gave me a pretty neat bees kidnapping loved ones story that had pretty solid prose, but shouldve started where it ended. onset gave me about every cliche in the rom-com book.

third wins handily

longer crits later

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




ThirdEmperor posted:

welp that's five brawl wins in a row

I guess I'll hand out celebratory crits to anyone who asks for the rest of the day.

https://thunderdome.cc/?story=7264&title=The+Moth

tia

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




1466 words

It Runs in the Family

archives

flerp fucked around with this message at 21:30 on Apr 12, 2019

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




dog week 2: this time, you actually write something

i won and everyone disappointed me last time i won so it's dog week, again. you go to this website http://www.akc.org/dog-breeds/ and you pick a dog and link it in your sign up post (or you can have me/a cojudge pick a dog). no repeats. your story must include this dog UNLESS you . if you do toxx, then u can just be inspired by said dog. if you have a chihuahua, it can be set in mexico, if it's a fluffy white dog, somebody can be fluffy and white, etc. also, no dogs may die as that is illegal.

additional rules: no poetry, no google docs, no erotica, fiction only. also, all dogs are good and this is a very strict rule.

word count: 1000 words
sign ups close friday 11:59 PM PST
submission close sunday 11:59 PM PST

judges

me
Salgal80
Fleta Mcgurn

people who are going to write words and arent going to fail

Thranguy https://www.akc.org/dog-breeds/schapendoes/
Chili https://www.akc.org/dog-breeds/newfoundland/
onsetOutsider https://www.akc.org/dog-breeds/alaskan-malamute/
kurona_bright https://www.akc.org/dog-breeds/japanese-chin/
Anomalous Blowout https://www.akc.org/dog-breeds/saluki/
Nethilia https://www.akc.org/dog-breeds/rottweiler/
Sitting Here https://www.akc.org/dog-breeds/samoyed/
animist https://www.akc.org/dog-breeds/australian-kelpie/
anatomi https://www.akc.org/dog-breeds/czechoslovakian-vlcak/
Flesnolk https://www.akc.org/dog-breeds/lowchen/
Simply Simon https://www.akc.org/dog-breeds/mastiff/
Nikaer Drekin https://www.akc.org/dog-breeds/st-bernard/
Lippincott https://www.akc.org/dog-breeds/rat-terrier/
Yoruichi https://www.akc.org/dog-breeds/golden-retriever/
Tyrannosaurus https://www.akc.org/dog-breeds/bluetick-coonhound/

flerp fucked around with this message at 07:12 on Apr 6, 2019

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




Thranguy posted:

In, flash.

https://www.akc.org/dog-breeds/schapendoes/



https://www.akc.org/dog-breeds/japanese-chin/

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




Flesnolk posted:

I wanna judge dog week

you failed the last four times you entered. i want you to write. doesnt have to be this week, but still. thunderdome is about writing.

Fleta Mcgurn posted:

I am also down to judge.

welcome aboard

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




Flesnolk posted:

>:|

In, toxx, give dog.

https://www.akc.org/dog-breeds/lowchen/

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




brawl crits

third

this is good, in the way that it's a solid intro, but when u rly dig into the story, it's rather lacking. not because it doesn't work, it works well enough, but that the story opens up a lot of questions and doesnt resolve rly any of them. why are bees stealing people? why did hugo want to go with the bees? why did bees kidnap/borrow/take other people? what's the dang point of all of this? im not asking for all of these questions to be resolved, but even then, the ending just kinda happens. it's like, welp, they reunited, so that's the end, roll credits. but like, there's so many questions here that this feels mostly incomplete, to be quite honest. it doesnt really resolve and it feels like an introduction to a larger narrative that we dont get to see any of. i dont have much more to say, tbh, just because i think this is technically fine and i could nitpick the hell out of it if i rly wanted to, but there's more here that needs to be explored.

i guess prompt-wise, this was a bit lacking. i dont rly care about the flower shop thing because that's not rly a big deal, but a character who thinks their husband was kidnapped by bees? i dont think thats a happy person. but i dont rly care that much, and you wrote a better story, so hey, grats.

onset

onsetOutsider posted:

Flower shop story
1219 words

It what is this "it?" dont have vague pronouns in your first sentence always starts out with the seed of an idea, which you feed and water do you need feed and water? would water work enough? with your mind until it sprouts into a huge, gorgeous bouquet how is a single seed gonna be a bouquet?. The only difference though, and the reason this metaphor falls apart, is that for ideas you don’t choose whether or not you water them. In that sense, they are more like weeds. Gross, leafy thoughts that you don’t want but they’re in your garden anyway. Yeah, that’s a better analogy. Screw the part about the gorgeous bouquet. i kind of hate this intro, but i think it's more for personal reasons than anything else. i can kind of see what you're doing, subversion, setting up the tone of the story, which is alright. but it's done a bit too hamfisted, too generically. feels kind of played out to have this whole "metaphor but actually this metaphor sucks" kind of intro.

My name is Marcus, but my nametag says Mark why does that matter?. I think the owner Christine misheard me on my first day but at this point it’s been a couple years and I’m too embarrassed to correct her. none of this matters. well i mean it gives a little bit of character, but in the context of the story ur gonna be telling us, this doesnt matter

I’ve been working here part-time while I finish my bachelor’s degree in chemistry telling. It’s actually surprisingly relevant to my field because, you know, working with plants you need to know stuff like the ideal chemical components of the soils for an individual flower or what have you this is very hand wavy nonsense that, ultimately, doesnt need to be in the story. like, this doesnt matter. your character doesnt care about taking care of plants, so this detail is irrelevant. So I’ve been pretty good at my job.

Until a couple months ago, that is. When the new guy showed up. this is probably where you start, btw. most of the details you said in the last couple of paragraph? you weave those details into the story. "embarrased to correct people" -> have a moment where you show ur character being self conscious or awkward. "name is Marcus, nametag says Mark" -> perfect chance to do a setup where the new guy comes in, Marcus introduces himself, and then the new guy is like "but your nametag says Mark" (although personally, i think that detail is mostly irrelevant and probably not necessary in the story at all, but you could at least do it better if u rly wanted it in the story) etc etc.

He was this extremely bro-ey guy who walked into his first shift wearing a varsity lacrosse t-shirt. Lacrosse, the most violent game in the entire history of our country this aside is utterly worthless (and also probably wrong but that might be my water polo bias showing through)! And he was expected to take delicate care of my plants this is disappointing because this mightve been an interesting character trait, but it gets dropped within the story. i mean, this setup is decent enough w/o the prank war. like, you have a delicate chemist who loves his plants and then this guy comes in who's big and scary and then idk he does something rough and the protag is like alright stop let me show u how to be gentle and then oh hey the guy becomes gentler and then hey love blooms and that's not amazing but it's better than prank war because it has two characters with distinct personalities coming in conflict with each other? He was also way younger than me, probably a freshman, so the intimidation I was accustomed to feeling in the presence of jocks was super dulled this intimidation, show it. dont tell us. I didn’t even flinch at his friendly slap on the back when introducing himself. “Luke” apparently. i think it's kind of a bad choice to make ur narrator a bit of a dick. not that i think a narrator needs to always be nice, but in a story like this, i think him being friendlier would work. at least, from the start. like the whole, oh hey, nice to meet you, he seems friendly enough, and then the narrator gets pranked and he's like gahhhhhhhhh i have been betrayed. id be, well, something.

He was all charm and smiles while I trained him that whole afternoon. Deceitful, insidious smiles. It wasn’t until most of the way through our shift that I noticed the small paper taped to the back of my shirt. And do you know what it said? KICK ME. What was he, a second-grader? this sentence is one of those frustrating because you literally know this is incredibly juvenile, but you still decided to write it in! just because you know it's bad and acknowlegde it, doesnt make it not bad. just DONT DO IT And when he saw me freaking out all he did was laugh and smile at me. I may have been the type to take this kind of thing when I was in highschool, but this punk needed to be taught a lesson about respecting his elders. The prank war had begun. this doesnt really make sense. i mean, one, nothing really happened because of the prank? he didnt rly get embarassed or even kicked, so like, why is he so angry? it just feels like a forced escalation because your plot mandated prank war, and well, you just gotta make it happen

The next time Luke and I shared a shift, I pretended not to know about his little joke how? didnt he see you freaking out about it? he literally knew. I just gave him my best customer-service attitude and showed him how to do some daily chores in the back. I couldn’t tell if he bought my facade, but he was obedient and didn’t try anything funny. Perfect.

He suspected nothing when I directed him to sit in the comfiest break-room chair. Little did he know, I had placed a whoopie cushion there. this like, the second lamest prank, after a kick me sign. you have a chemist, you have a flower shop, and your best idea is a whoopie cushion? come the gently caress on Ha, I’m a genius this line is so undeserved even if it's ironic! I was watching his face with excitement when he sat, and for a second his face was priceless, just this dumbfounded surprised look. But then, when he realized what I’d done, he just laughed and patted my shoulder. “Good one, man,” he said, and my heart skipped a beat. Why did I feel like he had completely turned the prank around on me? This was supposed to feel more empowering! I knew I had to go all out next time. this is actually kind of an alright escalation, in that is is kind of unexpected. like, it isn't necessarily forced. the character wanted a bigger reaction and then oh hey he didnt get it and that forced him to escalate. that's kinda alright.

***

Just after closing, when we had about an hour by ourselves to clean the store, I put my plan into motion. The most elaborate prank yet, which was sure to end this war once and for all. I felt downright evil, dastardly even, as I hid in the broom closet and waited with the most gloriously sinister intentions. It took all I had not to outwardly cackle in anticipation. this paragraph is awful and should be cut and expunged from this world

I heard him approaching. The time was nigh! this little aside are really bad. i understand theyre trying to help with the tone, but they mess with the pacing and just are painful to read. theyre trying way too hard to be cocky and funny. and nothing's worse than somebody trying too hard to be funny. I heard him turn the doorknob and readied my throwing arm. As soon as the light hit my face, I chucked my stinkbomb I’d spent all night synthesizing in the lab, directly into his chest, staining the entire front of his shirt. this is so anti-climatic when u look at the paragraph before this. i did this dastardly plan that would win this prank war and it was a......... stinkbomb? really? that's your loving masterplan? christ At that moment, all of the villainous energy I’d been holding in since the previous night came pouring out. “Mwahahaha! Witness the glory of Sir Stinky the Smell-nifiscent!” well, this callback is really bad and i hate it, but also, wow this dialogue is really bad and i hate this

Luke took a couple steps back, clearly struck speechless, then making a face as the smell him tsk tsk him. Yes! Finally I’d won!

Once he’d recognized that it was I who had conceived his demise ugh i hate this language use so much. villain language, even used ironically, is just, it's not funny. it's not good. stop. , he said “Dude, gross. What is this?” with one of his trademark smiles. It didn’t matter though. I already knew he would take it in stride. He was still irreversibly smelly, so my prank still worked.

Luke lifted the hem of his shirt to his nose to take a closer sniff, then visibly recoiled from the smell. Then he made a face exaggeratedly holding his breath, pulled the shirt off over his head, and threw into one of the sinks. I was not expecting him to do that! SHOW DONT TELL I had been watching and revelling in my success but now I didn’t know where to look because it was weird to stare at another man disrobing, right? I probably wouldn’t have given it much thought if he was ugly or something, but...

I glanced awkwardly at the floor for a second, but by the time I looked up again Luke had come all the way back to the closet, turning essentially my entire field of vision into unavoidably checking him out, and simultaneously blocking my exit. I pressed back as far as I could in the already cramped closet and that’s when Luke reached up for cleaning supplies as if I wasn’t even there, leaning in so far that his freaking hairless lacrosse abs were... What? Stop! Why was Luke such a goddamn pranking master? this is frustrating, in that sense that then this becomes the cliche "omg he's so cute" kind of rom com moment that has become so cliche that even the most generic of rom coms will try to subvert this idea. but you play it 100% straight and i just, i cant. it's terrible.

In a last ditch attempt at gaining ground, I grabbed a mop and used the soft end to shove Luke away from the closet. He actually fell all the way over onto the floor, and I took a moment to be surprised at my own strength, but then I dashed out before he could recover.

As soon as I did, however, Luke stuck his leg up exactly so that I tripped very hard directly on top of him. I also just so happened to catch myself with my face like 0.005 inches from his face. like, man, this is just the most cliche nonsense possible LOL At this point I was quite frustrated with myself for getting so flustered, like why did this guy have so much power over me and why in the hell was my face so hot? After a moment of my brain short-circuiting, I leaned back frantically.

But Luke’s biggest prank wasn’t over yet. He leaned up like he’d probably done a thousand times at the gym doing situps, and planted a big one right on my lips. Okay listen, how can a human possibly be this smooth? god u somehow made ur college senior into a loving twelve year old girl I immediately panicked and tripped over myself, sprawling on the floor. there's a larger problem with this ending though. it's that, well, there's no actual real sexual or romantic tension between the two until basically you decide "time for the rom com end." like, this is so forced it's really annoying and bad

“Okay, you win,” Luke said, standing up.

“What?” I said.

“You’re prank proof,” he said. “No matter what stunts I pulled just now, all it did was make you even cuter. Hell, it was like I was pranking myself instead.”

“Buhh, what? You’re still pranking me with this, right?”

“Heh, maybe. Do you want to go out to dinner and see how long I can pull it off? Look, it’s literally sunset right now.”

“Um." this is an action so the dialogue should end in a period. He kissed me before I could respond.

so yeah, this story technically has the pieces of a story. it has characters that sort of have motivations, it has a beginning, a middle, and an end, there's a conflict. but like, when u look at all the pieces, none of it matters. none of the characters are interesting or even close to having any depth, the narrative is basically forced while also being cliched as hell, and the conflict is resolved just kind of randomly by making it "oh they actually liked each other the whole time even though there was indication of that at all."

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




Lippincott posted:

In for this week because dogs.

https://www.akc.org/dog-breeds/rat-terrier/

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flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




sign ups closed please write words for me!

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