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Apr 16, 2019 05:04
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Apr 23, 2019 02:40
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May 25, 2019 06:39
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they’ll see her out with the horses 814 words Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 09:36 on Jan 4, 2020 |
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May 27, 2019 03:17
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 Bricks, bats, and blades out, my babies. This is a war week. Arthur C. Clarke, scuba diving author-adventurer & futurist, once wrote, “Science fiction is something that could happen - but you usually wouldn't want it to. Fantasy is something that couldn't happen - though you often only wish that it could.” Let’s rip each other’s throats out over the difference. R U L E S
Word limit is an even 1000. Deadline to sign up is Friday at midnight est. Deadline to submit is Sunday at midnight est. My deadlines, as always, are hard.
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May 28, 2019 15:41
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C O N T E S T A N T S . T H U S . F A R In the blue corner, with a record of 58 wins and 16 losses, representing a combined 618 appearances ...  "Science fiction that could happen but you usually wouldn't want it to!"
Aaaaaand in the red corner, with a record of 56 wins and 9 losses, fighting out of SOMETHING AWFUL DOT COM...  "Fantasy that couldn't happen though you often only wish that it could!"
Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 04:56 on May 30, 2019 |
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May 29, 2019 02:09
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Teams have been updated
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May 30, 2019 04:57
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sign ups closed. stand by.
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Jun 1, 2019 05:04
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O U R . F I G H T E R S "Science fiction that could happen but you usually wouldn't want it to"
"Fantasy that couldn't happen though you often only wish that it could"
O U R . J U D G E S Tyrannosaurus Sebmojo O U R . F I G H T S Adam Vegas vs Killer Crane Anomalous Amalgam vs WhoopieCat Flerp vs QuoProQuid Hawklad vs Yoruichi Maugrim vs Crimea Mr Steak vs Exmond Nethiia vs Fleta McGurn Nikaer Drekin vs Getsuya Saucy_Rodent vs Mercedes Sitting Here vs Antivehicular Staggy vs Djeser SurreptitiousMuffin vs Fumblemouse Thranguy vs Crabrock
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Jun 1, 2019 06:09
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By my count, so far everyone on team fanta-slayers has submitted save for Crabrock. Sci-Fighters are still waiting for Anomalous Amalgam, Hawklad, Maugrim, Mr. Steak, and our blood queen to show up. I will be closing submissions promptly at midnight. That's 45 minutes.
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Jun 3, 2019 04:16
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well well well look at the time
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Jun 3, 2019 05:03
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Adam Vegas vs Killer Crane In a move that will haunt him and, quite possibly, his entire team, Adam Vegas edits after post. Killer Crane takes the round and the Fanta-slayers are in the lead. Fanta-slayers 1-0 Anomalous Amalgam vs WhoopieCat On the one hand, we have WhoopieCat who took one look at the prompt and thought "I know giving birth to a litter of stillborn half-human monstrosities isn't possible but I really wish it was." And on the other, we have a sexy assassin with a "supple bosom." Guess which one we would more disturbing? Fanta-slayers 2-0 Flerp vs QuoProQuid The was the first of many close, close brawls. Like, if this was real fight, it was ending with the two of you on the ground trying to push your thumbs through each others eyes. Ultimately, we found QuoProQuid's solid and inventive fairy tale was enough to have them crawl across the finish line but it was unbelievably close. Fanta-slayers 3-0 Hawklad vs Yoruichi Hawklad shows up late, to my party, and thinks he can just waltz out on the dance floor with a story than ended where it should have began? Cool ice ships, weird baby bombs, and well-written, creepy parasites weren't enough today. Not against a competently written little thing like Yoruichi's. Fanta-slayers 4-0 Maugrim vs Crimea Crimea wins by default. This is looking like a runaway... Fanta-slayers 5-0 Mr Steak vs Exmond Sebmojo and I talked about this brawl for a long time. These were very evenly matched stories. And both were good! Exmond, this was very, very good. You should be proud of what you submitted. Mr Steak just... murdered that loving ending. And with it, they put a point on the board. Fanta-slayers 5-1 Nethilia vs Fleta McGurn Remarkably, you both decided the do the whole capitalization of Important Simple Words thing. This week was full of weird similarities. Neth's wasn't perfect but Fleta's was a little too unconstrained. Ultimately, an easy decision was made. Fanta-slayers 5-2 Nikaer Drekin vs Getsuya Nikaer Drekin, your story left me feeling slimy. There's something here, some feeling, that I can't quite wash myself of. And while I feel like I shouldn't like your story, I do. Getsuya, you had a good concept. The loving baby doll stretched out to be human sized is creepy af. I hope you stick around. You gave me more of a summary of a story than a real story but fix that and you should be golden. Drekin takes it. Fanta-slayers 5-3 Saucy_Rodent vs Mercedes Saucy, I love you. I thought your story was hilarious. I also thought Mercedes' was grand. Both were funny. In the end, though, Sebmojo found Merc's to be just a scooch funnier one so... here we are. Fanta-slayers 6-3 Sitting Here vs Antivehicular The old grizzled vet vs the brash kid with heavy hands. Both delivered solid stories. Both submitted excellent examples of why they are considered two of the top writers in the dome today. But, ultimately, we found one was too gentle with the ending and the other hit hard. Fanta-slayers 6-4 to be continued...
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Jun 4, 2019 04:59
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Staggy vs Djeser Djeser, you were probably hindered here by the word limit. I felt like you were having a lot of fun world-building (and I was having a lot of fun reading it). Staggy wrote something, though, that's actually haunting. Staggy, yours was maybe the most "on prompt" story of the entire week. Fanta-slayers 6-5 SurreptitiousMuffin vs Fumblemouse One of the few, straight-up knockouts of the night. A fun little jaunt through a magic university got hay-loving-makered by the right fist of Muffin's plausible and depressing condemnation of the age of insurance. TIE 6-6 Before I post the final results, I just want to take a moment to pay myself on the back here. Because these match-ups were about as perfect as I think they could have been.
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Jun 4, 2019 05:08
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Thranguy vs Crabrock To be 100% honest, I don't really remember the math behind how I matched people up. But I do know that, somehow, a record of 19 wins, 32 hms, 14 dms, and 3 losses over 185 entries was almost exactly equal to 14 wins, 35 hms, 4 dms, and ZERO losses over 123 entries. this is intense huh? Do I find the D.A.R.E program stupid and hilarious? Absolutely. Am I big fan of magic using ne'er-do-wells? 100% y'all. But how do I feel about performing Shakespeare in the face of the end of the world? ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... Sci-Fighters 7-6! No one DMS this week. Great loving week, overall. Nethilia and Muffin take home much deserved Honorable Mentions. Killer Crane, sadly, wins his battle but loses the war. And for our winner, ladies and gentleman, back to blood throne after exactly 2,225 days since their last victory...  NIKAER DREKIN
Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 05:27 on Jun 4, 2019 |
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Jun 4, 2019 05:24
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war crits part one of ?? Adam Vegas Good economy of words when it comes to world building. You do a nice job mixing concepts/locales/idea that are familiar to your audience (such as Houston) with a certain 'otherness' to create a solid sense of separation from our world and the one you've created (the Houston Canals). Good foreshadowing and through line. The anger leading up to the bee line feels forced (though the description of the importance of bees to society and the punishment that comes from hurting one is dope) so you might want to work on that build up some more. When you say "I can grant mercy, but Ag will pursue her either way" you take a lot of character agency/conflict out of your story. Why wouldn't your MC shoot down the thief? It's clearly the logical thing to do. Which, of course, is pretty disparate from your audience's sensibilities. Perhaps a more interesting angle would have been an immediate, almost instinctual shooting followed by the MC then trying to justify to himself why he did the right thing but being haunted by it. Could tie in well with his aversion to eating bugs after having to see them in high def all day. Killer Crane Stick around. If you win, I'll buy you a new winner's avatar myself. Conceptually speaking, I enjoy this. Your naming conventions are well thought out and internally consistent. The laws governing this settlement feel equally "real." My biggest issue here is that your descriptions and your blocking are overly convoluted. Every noun seems to carry an adverb and it gets tiresome. Read your opening paragraph again. Read your opening sentence. It takes a minute to figure out what you're trying to say. Simplify. Anomalous Amalgam I made a joke about this being bad because you used the phrase "supple bosom" but, truthfully, I was just kayfabing. While you linger a bit much on how sexy the MC is, I do understand that that's the point. She is supposed to be irresistible. The problem here is that there just isn't much of a plot. You've given me an assassination scene. Neat. Cool. Okay. I can dig a good assassination as much as the next judge. But there's nothing more here. The assassin isn't particularly interesting or well-developed. The action is well scripted but there are no stakes. What happens if she fails? Who cares if she fails? Who cares if this man dies? What's the point? I need a point. Give me something, someone, to identify with. WhoopieCat I'm actually curious how far you deviated from your prompt. Like, did you get inspired and your story just took off? Or did you write this earnestly believing it fulfilled the idea of "something that couldn't happen - though you often only wish that it could." Anyway, your dialogue is actually quite nice -- notwithstanding the strange choice to write in a German accent. Your story gets horrifying real quick there at the end, though you do a nice bit of foreshadowing with "birth" up at the start. flerp I like the story a lot. And I think you used second person quite effectively. I don't have a lot of crits. This was good and well-written. You address the complexities of this world (and our possible future) in an honest way. It's a shame so many of your teammates also wrote about consciousness being uploaded into cloud just before death. Makes it hard to stand out, ya know? This was probably the best of the bunch, though. QuoProQuid Fun fact, I always misspell your username the first time I try to type it out. I don't know why. Anyway, this feels... well-known. Like, I understand it and remember it the same way I do Cinderella or Pinocchio. It's very, very complete. You've done a rather remarkable job capturing the essence of a fairy tale. Nothing was really wasted. This was probably my vote for the winner had your side won the war. Hawklad God damnit this ended just as it started getting good. You needed about a thousand more words to spare so you could really stretch your legs here. Good stuff. But it's basically just a prologue for a bigger story. Yoruichi You didn't exactly stun me with originality here but you also didn't have to. It was actually quite refreshing to read this. Nice little bit of empowerment. Nice little bit of discovering yourself. Easy plot. Solid conflict. Nice resolution. Checked all the boxes. Well done you. Maugrim bruh Crimea This was weird and neat. This was good fantasy. It grabbed my imagination by the horns and still hasn't let go. Great visuals.
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Jun 12, 2019 04:58
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 to have war crits done by sunday at midnight est
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Jun 12, 2019 05:03
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war crits part two of probably three Mr. Steak For this kinda just being "Yu-Gi-Oh but REAL" there is actually quite a bit of small things, little nice touches, that I really like and appreciate. For instance, the card game. I don't need to know the rules of this card game. No one needs to know the rules of this card game. Do you tell us the rules? No! Because its not important to the story you are telling. Some writers might have gotten themselves bogged down there but you (rightfully) used it as a way to demonstrate some character qualities, to drop a little foreshadowing, to begin some conflict, and to kick start your plot. Uhh... let's see... gently caress was another good one. Just overall solid word economy. Very little wasted space. I'm a big fan of the sleek. Your dialogue was a little off, didn't quite seem realistic in terms of how kids talk. Ending was hilarious. Exmond Your opener needs work. "They had just gotten back from Grandma’s funeral, an affair that was almost as exciting as the woman. A traveling carnival had shown up to honor her, and a trio of older gentlemen had gotten into a fist-fight over who could be called her lover." This is interesting and fun. Unfortunately, you spend way too much time focusing on some action that really could have been simplified down into about a single sentence. You talking about running three separate times. I don't care and it isn't important. Honestly... "A niece had decided to travel back in time to the reunion to meet her ancestors. When she popped up by the veranda and introductions were made, they decided it would make an excellent family tradition if every relative, past, present, and future, dropped by. The niece was confused since the tradition already existed in her time. Everyone involved decided it was best not to think too hard on the details and drink more champagne." You could have just started your story here. It's an interesting hook and you pretty much reintroduce all the important stuff again later in your story. Could also make for a sweeter reveal about the grandmother being dead. Other than that, this is a pretty good story. I would probably have done it in first person, though. Makes things more personal. You'll probably hm or win soon if you keep on trajectory. Nethilia My only (and I do mean only) criticism here is that the Nikki-Vicki is unrealistic for the world you've created. Kara called Nikki up on a video call. I have to assume Nikki's name has to be in some way attached to that otherwise how would Kara know who she was calling? You should have them either needed to bump into each other irl or change Vicki to Kisha or Keisha or something. Fleta Mcgurn This isn't really a story as much as it is a medieval psychonaut trip report. It is cool to read? Sure. But I don't really get anything out of it that I couldn't from reading r/LSD. "I drank from a tiny cup, eyeing the floating chunks of dried fungus. Crimson red, with purple veins. Like chunks of tissue." This is a dope phrase. Nikaer Drekin You really toed a dangerous line here. The entire time I was reading this I felt like it was going to go to poo poo, that I was going to be grossed out, that this was going to just be awful. But you kept it right at the knife's edge. And I love the ending. There is this hint of emerging sentience. "I know I shouldn’t question you. It’s not my place. But sometimes I look at you and I’m concerned by what I see." And it just gets wiped out. That's A+ horror right there. loving great. Getsuya I don't have a lot of crits for you because I think the biggest thing you need to work on is getting comfortable with a small word count. I loved your concept. I think you probably were just worried about cramming everything you wanted to say in 1000 words so you ended up telling a summary of a story rather than a real story. You'll do fine here. Saucy_Rodent Personally, I liked this story better than Mercedes'. But Seb felt very strongly the other way so here we are. You could probably cut the Jesus line at the end because the joke doesn't land (and it feels a bit out of place). "I’m not your brother anymore,” said Husk. “Just a husk." This made me cackle. You're a treasure. Mercedes I want to pat myself on the back again for loving nailing this match up. I don't have anything else to say about your story. You know what you did. (it was make the judges laugh)
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Jun 13, 2019 04:31
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war crits part three of three Sitting Here It's interesting that several people on sci-fi went all memory transfer/the Giver with the prompt. I think you should have ended after "A response: Yes." Because that's rather chilling. Plus, your current ending is already implied. Or at least a version of it is. Leave it to the audience to determine how positive or negative this decision to meld will ultimately be. Antivehicular You have a talent for striking visuals. Giant fiberglass chickens. I love that. Billboard slogan is a good tie-in to the story. And I love your opener. I'm immediately sucked in. Your ending is a little too cute for me, though. The last line especially. And I don't feel like you gave me enough lead up to justifying the "gently caress up" line. But maybe you just didn't have enough words to. It reminded me a little of the movie Creed which I just watched on a plane. Michael B. Jordan wants to stay in the ring to prove he's "not a mistake" and it's really poignant because it's the culmination of the whole movie. Your similar line here feels tacked on as an attempt at emotional register but it isn't earned. Staggy Now, normally I don't particularly like things that are... uh... how do I put this... I don't like movies about people who make movies. Books by needy, self-conscious authors about needy, self-conscious authors writing books. That kind of poo poo. It how strikes me as rather uncreative and a little masturbatory. But you do a solid job of combining the writer's dream and writer's nightmare all in one story while nailing your prompt. There's a saying that goes something like... "Everyone wants to have written a novel. Nobody wants to write a novel." And here we have that. No effort. Books are written. They are your books. Excellent! However, you sign off on them and all of your words, all of your potential, all of what makes you you, now belongs to some vague corporate entity in perpetuity. Spooky, my dude. Spooky. Djeser I'm not sure how much I would have understood your story if I hadn't just beaten Assassin's Creed: Origins like two months ago. If you're an AC fan, you should def hit this game up. Judging by your story, I think you'd dig it. Anyway, this is a solid little piece of writing. It is somewhat predictable but not in a bad way. The dialogue gets away from you a bit when she talks about drowning but it's not overly distracting. Probably in contention for the win had fantasy won. SurreptitiousMuffin This is publishable. I love that that's a real study, too. loving horrifying. Way to nail the prompt of "things that could happen but you wouldn't want them to." Fumblemouse You unnecessarily use pixie twice two sentences in a row which really dilutes the power of the word. Big fan of Peaseblossom Hall -- always love a good Midsummer/Shakespeare ref-- though you do switch from Peaseblossom to PeaseBlossom midstory. The class name is silly and fun. The dialogue with the crow is really fun. I think the biggest problem is that the "unthinkable" is pretty vague. As is what she seems to see in the future. It feels a bit like "i'm failing my class I'm going to kill myself" is the plot and I know this is deeper than that and more than that and better than that but... you know... Thranguy "If you must command the weather," he said, "Better to ask for what it is already inclined to do." That paragraph. It might be the best of writing I've had the pleasure of reading in TD. I dig your title. I dig the fact that is Lear and that you justify in story (because, I, was thinking why LEAR). You probably could have made the scale of this smaller, though. You went so sci-fi that it's almost a disservice to your writing because it takes away from what is really, really good. Or at least what I, personally, enjoy. Crabrock DARE meets Hogwarts. Concept is funny. Dialogue is funny. Characters are funny. But it's kind of... low stakes. And it isn't internally consistent or logical within the world you've created. Like, why do these boys randomly decide to take Howie under their wing? Do they normally just hang out in a dark alleyway waiting for some boy they can convince to do magic early. Is magic actually dangerous to use early? Idk.
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Jun 14, 2019 04:51
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In with a flash.
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Jun 19, 2019 01:47
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sebmojo posted:Toxx to do crits for duel week by weds next week, 2359 pst mods pls ban ty
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Jun 21, 2019 05:22
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Consanguineous 1500 words Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 09:38 on Jan 4, 2020 |
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Jun 24, 2019 07:42
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I'm in
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Jun 29, 2019 04:17
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No More Lighthouses 1181 words Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 09:39 on Jan 4, 2020 |
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Jul 1, 2019 06:57
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I'm in
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Jul 6, 2019 06:28
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everything the people can’t be 1106 words Archived. Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 14:58 on Jul 10, 2019 |
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Jul 8, 2019 02:22
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 Rosa Flores, paranormal investigator, is dead. Whether this happens before, after, or during your story is up to you. sign ups close friday midnight est subs close sunday midnight est 1200 words
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Jul 9, 2019 13:01
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who's in? Black Griffon Sebmojo Chili Thranguy Crimea Getsuya Adam Vegas Fleta Mcgurn Armack Anomalous Amalgam Sitting Here MockingQuantum Anomalous Blowout flerp's judging so he's not in Sparksbloom Liquid Communism Doctor Zero SurreptitiousMuffin Pham Nuwen Saucy_Rodent yess Djeser Antivehicular Siddhartha Glutamate Pepe Silvia Browne Exmond not Yoruichi (judging) QuoProQuid ... and you? Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 04:30 on Jul 13, 2019 |
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Jul 9, 2019 13:02
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C H R I S T M A S C R I T S (part 2) cptn_dr First section and I'm already seeing things I don't like and that you don't need. First, you have way too many said-isms. Pepper them in for flavor. Too much, though, and they become distracting. Second, I don't need to know that Zane and Jethro's last name is Astle. Is this minor? Absolutely. Does it add anything? Nope. So? Remove it. Second (and semi-related), people don't use each other's names in conversation as much as you've put them in here. It also doesn't add anything to your story because you've already established who the speakers and, since there are only two people present at a time, I'm not going to get confused as to who is being addressed. Third, your opener is a bit dull and I hate dull openers. That whole first paragraph is just set descriptions. Now, in terms of things I do like, I do like that you use the same "not pleased to his/her brother" bit. That's fun. I like the setting you chose for suburban gangster family dysfunction. Zane asking for a hook up is very real (and very sad). In fact, the whole thing is very sad. I think you could have topped it off by him, at the last minute, fishing the baggie back out of the trash because as much as he wants to quit... that's just not how this works in real life. Entenzahn I feel like you were attempting to imitate a stuffy, Victorian style of writing -- which you were successful in. Unfortunately, this means that you submitted a story in a stuffy, Victorian style of writing and I don't particularly love that. In any case, props for sticking to the prompt. Horror is rather difficult to do well in Thunderdome, it seems. The ring ring ring rung rung rung run run run would actually work quite well in, say, film. In fact, most of this would probably be quite fun in a film. It's not so fun in short story form, though. And at times it feels like you're having to summarize large bits where you'd like to dive in deeper thanks to the word count. Rad-daddio You don't earn your ending. The whole thing needs to be sillier if that's where you want to go with it. As is, it's like you realized you had 150 words left so you just punched out some silliness and call it a day. Granted, you had a difficult prompt to try and fulfill. And this does, in the most technical way possible, fulfill your prompt. But you didn't give me any foreshadowing, any build up, any reason to think that this was a good idea and not an impromptu washing of your hands before you hit submit. Also, this is a little white savior-y for my tastes. QuoProQuid This is just a cool idea. A great, creative take on the prompt. I'd remove the Archie reference, though. Makes me have too many questions about alternate universes and poo poo. You should probably use the word naughty a few more times. As is, you use it in the beginning as a concept, and then it kinda fades away. Two times in the whole story and it's the first sentence but a major concept. Good closure. Good ending. Antivehicular A masterful take on a difficult prompt. This is just phenomenal. Sometimes I read your stories and I lament because I do not know how to replicate what you seem to do so well and so flawlessly. Apophenium This wasn't great but it wasn't awful either. It was... pleasant. Yeah, pleasant. A quick read -- which I always appreciate. The dialogue was believable. The dinner scene was cute. All your story i's were dotted and t's were crossed. I've felt like I've seen this sort of story a dozen times before and that's maybe your biggest flaw. There wasn't really anything new brought to the table -- other than maybe the Killers with a Conscience bit. SlipUp A bit predictable and on the nose. Especially the last line. The french conversation is enjoyable enough and serves its purpose. The cooking seems like a contrived way to make them "fall in love" -- which I'm assuming was the point based off of your prompt. They don't really feel like they are in love. The "husband" line is as clumsily thrown out there as the request for pizza (intentional or...?). Thranguy My biggest disappointment here is that your story isn't southeast asian. Your title tells me its future Singapore but that's it. I wonder why you went with all English names. Otherwise, you have a fun, creative world -- albeit one that leaves me with questions (tentacle, tattoo, etc). I feel like there must be some symbolism I am missing. Sex rooms is engaging and sweet. GenJoe So I ruled out "coming of age hitman musical" pretty quick which left me wondering how this was a "quirky smalltown slasher." In particular the quirky bit -- which seems to be the most interesting component of the prompt, yes? Then you have a bison cause a car crash at the end and I thought, ah, yes, there it is. I wish you had spent more time actually fleshing this out rather than rushing to beat the bell to submit because I'm quite charmed. Sebmojo I love the thought that new planets need new myths. We could probably do a whole week with just that as the prompt. The visual of someone in a spacesuit riding a reindeer out into a storm is also dope af. Motivations were good. Kiss line landed. Don't really have much else to say. This was fun to read. onsetOutsider The archive says that this is a redemption story. It also says that if I don't give you a crit it will continue to count against my record so here we go: 1) submit on time 2) use more of your words -- 300 isn't enough to do really anything 3) follow the actual prompt. You got Serial Killer Monster Buddy Cop Documentary about Fame and you gave me drag queen pole dancers who are mistaken for actual police at the tail end of Sexy Cop Night at the club. Which is interesting! But has gently caress all to do with what you were assigned.
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Jul 11, 2019 15:40
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sign ups are closed
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Jul 13, 2019 05:12
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that's it
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Jul 15, 2019 05:08
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also yoruichi please come to discord so we can fjgj ty
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Jul 15, 2019 05:34
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When I first came up this poo poo I thought it would be pretty funny to just disqualify everyone for writing fanfic and then post another prompt ... and, uh, I still think its funny...
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Jul 15, 2019 15:14
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But gently caress if I don't hate judging so the bloodthrone goes to Djeser Congrats on the win! It was, by consensus, the most upper-mid in a smattering collection of upper-mids! Antivehicular, Thranguy, and Anomalous Blowout follow behind with some hms. Mr. Steak loses.
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Jul 15, 2019 15:21
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week 362 crits Saucy_Rodent [12:57 AM] flerp: my low low end is saucy [12:57 AM] Tyrannosaurus: i love saucy [12:57 AM] flerp: yeah i know Pandering (like nepotism) only upsets me when it isn't being done to my benefit. And for some dumb reason your dumb writing just tickles me pink. Now, I do think you were remiss in submitting so early because some of your jokes don’t quite hit. Dirk Blazeblazer? Great. USS Spaceship? Excellent. Sir Flippington the Excessively British Genetically Engineered Dolphin? I’d suggest something more like Sir Flippington “Flip” Dolphin, who was both excessively british and a dolphin. Octogenarian's scrotum is crude, low hanging fruit -- go surreal and give me something to really ponder how it would look mixed with the Creature from the Black Lagoon (a copy machine, a helium balloon, a grumpy police chief going through his second divorce) or go full ham on the crude and just straight up use rear end for the description since you’re making a Gorl-rear end joke in a second anyway. The weakest part of this story is Rosa Flores. The in-joke bit falls flat for me for obvious reasons. And her going to hell is weak place to end on. The sharks, freed from gravity, eating everyone is delightful (just like you are). Exmond You talk about bad characters not being born bad/not wanting to be bad twice in short succession and it’s unnecessary. Really, you could do a big reformat of the whole first section and it would read a lot better. This is pretty enjoyable for what it’s worth. It has a nice sorrowful vibe. It would have been a cherry, though, if you could have had Rosa slip in one poignant line about writing or art that the narrator can’t see/understand/appreciate because he, too, is rather one dimensional. Doctor Zero I like that you did something inventive with the setting based on the prompt -- I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re unique here. I see what you’re doing with the repeating words at the beginning and ending of each section and it doesn’t really work. You need to find something else, formating wise. It doesn’t read well in its current form. Makes it hard to follow what’s happening and you’re already throwing a lot of characters at me. Crimea You could cut bubbling and groaning and you have a much better sentence. Okay, second paragraph, so I can see what you’re trying to do with the long sentences but you need to be a little more decisive because unnecessarily lengthening things does you no favors. “Hailing from as far as County Durham” works just as well and “immediately local” is distracting anyway. But I’m not sure the Country Durham line really works that great either because you immediately follow it up with Rosa coming in from overseas. Uhhh… you know what, that’s just a general note for the whole story. There is a lot of carelessness that would have been avoided if you’d just, like, taken a day to sit on this and then revist it. I’m almost mad at this because you have some really great stuff that you’ve hidden under excessive wordiness. Sparksbloom This was the kind of thing I was hoping to read. I just wish you had more words. This feels like we’re about 600-800 shy of the real ending. So many interesting things left open and unexplored. The ska question was excellent. The “they got her” bit was a little clunky and could be reworked. On a week with a longer word count, this might have won. Sitting Here Just such a fabulously creative concept. Unlike the other meta stuff I’ve read so far, you could remove this from thunderdome and it would still stand alone as a concept and as a story. Inside, it’s sprinkled with easter eggs and callbacks. Well crafted -- though the ending is a little abrupt. I don’t like the title. Djeser Solid use of second person. Good foreshadowing. I “got it” right where I was supposed to -- which is, like, one of my favorite things. It’s so difficult to pull off, too. Have your reader realize the reveal a split second before it’s officially made. I like that there wasn’t any bullshit about the existance of werewolves just a “ah gently caress i gotta take care of a body” sort of thing -- that was fun. I wish you’d been a little more vague with your ending -- it almost ruins the piece for me. I already know what’s coming. Let me imagine the horror. Getsuya You should revisit your beginning. Because this is a kinda dumb idea that gets really, really interesting by the end. You spend too much time early on finding your footing, though. Waste of words. Which is especially a shame because you leave me wanting more. I enjoyed when you brought in the special guests. The reason she can’t escape is pretty good, too. Pham Nuwen What a coincidence. I also hate puns. Pepe Silvia Browne If you’re gonna capitalize Their’s you should do the same for Our World. I don’t have any particularly detailed crits here. Descriptions are fine. Dialogue is fine. But you end on a cliffhanger and nothing is resolved. Nothing really has changed for anything of the characters either (arc wise). Things are just revealed and then it’s the end. That’s not really a story, now is it? Siddhartha Glutamate I like your title. You used doctor’s bag twice in the same sentence -- you should try to avoid that sort of thing. Makes things clunky. “It” would have sufficed the second time. Switching from third person to first person was a bad choice -- perhaps in a longer piece it might have worked but here you never had enough time to really develop either. It was just confusing. The begging was a waste of words, words you could have spent telling me who the Cavendish’s were or what the contract was or why I should care. Be more deliberate with what you choose to focus on. Thranguy Best opener so far. I’m invested. Hmm.. I don’t particularly love the introduction bit but it breaks up your ghost talk in an effective way. Is there something better that could be there instead? If you remove it entirely, the two sections are a little repetitive. Split up, they’re both really good and I like them. Ah I wasn’t expected the audience address -- well done. Good twist to have it be the son. Excellent take on the prompt -- exactly the sort of thing I was hoping for (as fun as meta might be). Antivehicular I love the concept. “One of the first to be human enough” is an amazing line. I think your dialogue is off. Something about it throws me -- it’s just so different from the rest of your piece. Surprisingly informal? Inappropriate? I’m not sure exactly how to describe it. It feels mashed together, though. Ending line is nice. Mr Steak When I saw you sign up and toxx I was pretty hell yeah about it. Now I feel like I watched a drunk guy stand up on a table, yell for people’s attention, and then throw up on himself. Why? Sebmojo Nice little turn from celebration to gently caress youuuu. I don’t have much else to say because this is like 400 words. You sure did submit something! Something you wrote! Anomalous Blowout Man, a little more time and this was probably the winner. This is good but it just feels slapdash. Especially the ending. It comes about suddenly. Too suddenly. It’s cool. But it feels like you either a) had an ending before you knew how to get there and just smashed it together at crunch time b) had no idea how you were going to end it, came up with something cool, realized you hadn’t really built towards it, and said gently caress it. Either way, a little more cohesion would have served you well. Chili I had to reread your opening sentence like five times because it’s confusing. And I don’t like it when I’m told something like “this is no ordinary day.” For me, imho, that is implicit already. Why would you make me read an ordinary day? I know it’s stylistic or whatever but I don’t like it. This story is disjointed. We have this cool buzzy police opener. Then we have this somber ghost/missing girl conversation. Both are good. They don’t quite fit together as is.
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Jul 15, 2019 19:35
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central character 3 setting 18 genre 8 song 8 rft 18
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Jul 22, 2019 16:57
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Central Character is… HAUNTED! +134 Words and a…. DIAMOND CAPSULE Setting is… IN OUTER SPACE +90 Words Genre is… Sci-Fi + 98 words and a…. DIAMOND CAPSULE Song is… In the Hall of the Mountain King, by Edvard Grieg +120 words and a…. DIAMOND CAPSULE RFT is… FIREWORKS! +103 words Space is full of ghosts and there is no god 866 words Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 09:39 on Jan 4, 2020 |
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Jul 29, 2019 03:31
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Jul 29, 2019 20:53
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As Titania, my time 800 words Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 09:39 on Jan 4, 2020 |
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Aug 5, 2019 11:54
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Scorpio Sun Cancer Moon
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Aug 5, 2019 11:55
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 THE TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION the truth is stranger than fiction thetruthisstrangerthanfiction welcome to mother. loving. CONSPIRACY THEORY WEEK yall i’m your host tyrannosaurus and i will be assigning you a (ya guessed it already) conspiracy theory BUT but but buuuuut the TRUTH is STRANGER than FICTION right??? the theories that we know about are only what the g0v3rnm3nt WANTS US TO KNOW about. so your job is to look at your assignment, really look at it, peer into it, look at it some more, and then come up with an even more outlandish truth that’s hiding behind the theory. That truth will then be the setting/inspiration for your story. For instance, if I give you “the moon landing was faked” then you might write me a story where the moon doesn’t even exist! Or maybe you write about how there are two moons but one is super bashful and only appears, like, once a month. I don’t know! Lots of possibilities for ya! Have fun! sign ups close friday midnight est subs close sunday midnight est 1169 words (nice)
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Aug 7, 2019 02:01
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