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Avoid shopping entirely and steal someone's grocery laden car while they're returning the cart |
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Feb 4, 2019 04:17
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| # ? Apr 25, 2024 09:49 |
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*pouring lighter fluid all over a mid 90s Buick in a roadside ditch* All that for a couple packs of depends and...Hydrox? They still make these? |
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Feb 4, 2019 04:31
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hamjobs posted:don't shop at Costco, just walk around and eat free samples until right before closing, then hide in the racks until after close and stock goes home for the night--then shop. you heard it here first, burn all your earthly possessions and live at Costco |
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Feb 5, 2019 02:20
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| taking something from another shopper's cart before either of us have checked out... lawyers hate this! | |
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Feb 5, 2019 02:26
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I have built myself a pillow-fort in the back of the employee lounge. I feed myself on the finest fig newtons that money could buy, if I were forced to buy them. You see, I've lived here for months now, and as long as I don't try to leave the store cannot charge me. I invite a date over, and we dine on the most expensive steaks the store has to offer, and drink the best cheap wine I can wrestle from employees hands. Later, to entertain myself before bed, I take one of the steering-wheel covers and pretend that I'm driving, complete with "vroom vroom" sounds. |
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Feb 5, 2019 03:38
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Welcome to Costco I love you Welcome to Costco I love you Welcome to Costco I love you
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Feb 5, 2019 22:39
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child's vomit in the sanitary aisle this morning, cart wheel tread on spilled stomach content. this store is afraid of me. i have seen it's true face. the check out lanes are extended gutters and the gutters are full of groceries and when the drains finally scab over, all the clientèle will drown. the accumulated filth of all their vouchers and loyalty points will foam up about their waists and all the customers and consumers will look up and shout "is this coupon still valid?"... ...and i'll look down, and whisper "no." |
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Feb 6, 2019 18:51
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not many people know this but grocery stores all have a secret level that can only be entered once you max out your stats in veggie handling, dented can identification, and cart dodging |
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Feb 9, 2019 08:57
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If you think about it being a stockperson is like grocery shopping but backwards |
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Feb 9, 2019 13:29
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King of Bees posted:If you think about it being a stockperson is like grocery shopping but backwards Whoa. |
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Feb 9, 2019 16:09
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King of Bees posted:If you think about it being a stockperson is like grocery shopping but backwards (Walking backwards through the store late at night pulling a giant pallet of beer) They'll never suspect a thing… |
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Feb 9, 2019 16:16
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google THIS posted:(Walking backwards through the store late at night pulling a giant pallet of beer) They'll never suspect a thing… *properly shelves the beer, then later receives a paycheck* heh works every time 
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Feb 9, 2019 16:24
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alnilam posted:*properly shelves the beer, then later receives a paycheck* heh works every time *Spends paycheck on beer* it's like free beer! |
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Feb 9, 2019 16:30
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Finger Prince posted:*Spends paycheck on beer* it's like free beer! *several years/beers later* Wait a minute, what Sisyphean hell is this? |
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Feb 9, 2019 18:52
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google THIS posted:*several years/beers later* Wait a minute, what Sisyphean hell is this? e: retail is a greek tragedy Nosfereefer fucked around with this message at 22:21 on Feb 9, 2019 |
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Feb 9, 2019 22:19
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alnilam posted:*properly shelves the beer, then later receives a paycheck* heh works every time perfect crime |
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Feb 9, 2019 22:20
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Nosfereefer posted:e: retail is a greek tragedy
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Feb 10, 2019 07:08
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BrownianMotion posted:pace the aisles like a madman and see the strawberry fig newtons on sale and go "i;m getting those, i am Going To Purchase The Fig Newtons" Adulting like a boss.
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Feb 10, 2019 08:18
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Always buy the Tim Tams. |
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Feb 15, 2019 14:18
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Grocery carts are a double-edged sword. They let us gather more than we could carry in your arms, but when everyone has one, we're all getting in each other's way. Get a cart, but don't push it around everywhere like a dolt. Take it to produce and park it in front of the organic lettuce. Slip through the crowds like a breeze, picking out fruits and vegetables and taking them back to your cart. Then, if you need canned tomatoes or rice or something, push your cart along to the large section near those narrow aisles. This time park it in front of the frozen cod chest or the end display of tortillas. Walk down the aisles, grabbing cans and bags and fig newtons, taking them back to your cart when your arms are full. Finally, if you need frozen stuff or dairy, park your cart at the end of the frozen section, near the display of on-sale ice cream novelties. Get your butter and eggs and bring them to your cart. Now you're ready to check out. Slip your cart behind someone shopping with a cute kid who you make silly faces at until it's your turn. Now you're done and never had to stare at anyone in exasperation because they were in your way. |
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Feb 23, 2019 04:14
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gleebster posted:Now you're done and never had to stare at anyone in exasperation because they were in your way. The solution to people blocking aisles so tightly that an ant could barely squeeze through is the opposite, you always push your cart everywhere; start by filling it with heavy items like several bags of cat litter or garden-dirt, then simply don't stop for any obstructions. |
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Feb 23, 2019 04:25
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roomforthetuna posted:This is a great method in some places, but lol if you think people getting in the way is because you have a cart. You've obviously never been in a bay-area crowded grocery store. I trained in Berkeley Bowl. |
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Feb 23, 2019 05:26
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gleebster posted:Grocery carts are a double-edged sword. They let us gather more than we could carry in your arms, but when everyone has one, we're all getting in each other's way. Get a cart, but don't push it around everywhere like a dolt. Take it to produce and park it in front of the organic lettuce. Slip through the crowds like a breeze, picking out fruits and vegetables and taking them back to your cart. Then, if you need canned tomatoes or rice or something, push your cart along to the large section near those narrow aisles. This time park it in front of the frozen cod chest or the end display of tortillas. Walk down the aisles, grabbing cans and bags and fig newtons, taking them back to your cart when your arms are full. Finally, if you need frozen stuff or dairy, park your cart at the end of the frozen section, near the display of on-sale ice cream novelties. Get your butter and eggs and bring them to your cart. Now you're ready to check out. Slip your cart behind someone shopping with a cute kid who you make silly faces at until it's your turn. Now you're done and never had to stare at anyone in exasperation because they were in your way. People just steal form your cart here if you do that, you end up coming home missing stuff you know you grabbed because some lazy rear end in a top hat didn't want to search for it themselves and saw an unguarded cart. |
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Feb 23, 2019 12:14
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It's recommended to go shopping during unholy times of the day to avoid medieval warfare over shopping carts, at least if your country/city/store allows it. Personally I enjoy shopping at 23 on a Wednesday and I have the store for myself. They usually fill up the gaps before they close up (at 0 in this case) , so I can also enjoy the full luxury of a packed store shelf. No one to steal from my cart, no one to crash into and sometimes the then-tired workers can enjoy some nice talk with you, as they are more or less done with the hard working stuff. It feels weird at first, but if you have the time for that, it turns out powerful! |
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Feb 23, 2019 12:40
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Fig Newtons are made in my town so I just go straight to the source. They don't have cool attractions like Hershey does but sometimes I get to dip my fingers in a batch of filling and get free fancy fruity flavorful nails. When I'm hungry I nibble on my fingers and enjoy nicely marinated cuticles made with authentic Fig Newtons filling. Finger licking good! |
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Feb 24, 2019 05:50
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my grocery shopping secret is that i cut the middle man literally. the delivery driver is now consistently leaving tribute on his way to the store, as well as very scarred |
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Feb 24, 2019 11:44
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The secret is to always carry a pickaxe to mine store's paydirt for the deep bargains. |
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Feb 24, 2019 19:17
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King of Bees posted:The secret is to always carry a pickaxe to mine store's paydirt for the deep bargains. Reaching around shoulders-deep in a top loading freezer case, scoffing at the normies who made off satisfied with the surface level deals |
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Feb 24, 2019 20:59
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My strategy is to act like a grocery store inside a grocery store. That way, people in the store buy groceries and then go inside me with their groceries. |
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Feb 24, 2019 21:12
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Instead of going to a grocer, go to a less-gross, for a more pleasant experience. |
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Feb 25, 2019 08:35
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Just farm everything yourself. I already have a great sausage tree in my backyard!
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Feb 25, 2019 13:13
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our own greed and hubris finally got the best of us. we managed to slash prices like no one had ever done before. or ever again... and for what? we worked endlessly to create the best bargains, the highest applicability of coupons, we dug deeper and deeper for the perfect price. we dug too deep. we dug too greedy. in the deepest depths of retail, there are secrets mankind was never meant to know. beings beyond our feeble mortal comprehensions. this place is not a place of honor, no highly esteemed deed is commemorated here, nothing valued is here space for lease |
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Feb 25, 2019 20:55
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Nosfereefer posted:we dug too deep. Deals. Deals in the deep. Every day now the president's day sales event shoppers gather more ads and coupons. They are coming. They are here. |
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Feb 25, 2019 21:17
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There are older and fouler things than bargain hunters in the deep places of the world. |
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Feb 25, 2019 21:51
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Far, far below the deepest delving of the goons, the deals are churned by nameless things. Even Coupons knows them not. |
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Feb 25, 2019 21:56
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Finger Prince posted:Far, far below the deepest delving of the goons, the deals are churned by nameless things. Even Coupons knows them not. talking about Q-pawns?
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Feb 25, 2019 22:16
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There are no regular checkouts anymore where I live, it's all self serve. This is okay when I'm buying like 3 things, but when I have a lot, I remember that the company is adding the cost of the fired workers to their coffers and nothing is cheaper, so I say I have a half celery when I buy a full one. I also put the expensive apples as the cheap ones. Sometimes I pocket some ginger. remember, supermarkets artificially inflate the cost of everything to offset the cost of shoplifting, so if you don't shoplift then they're stealing from you. ive never had fig newtons what are they Tebulot fucked around with this message at 06:58 on Feb 27, 2019
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Feb 27, 2019 06:53
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Tebulot posted:ive never had fig newtons what are they I can tell you what they’re not cookies and um...
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Feb 27, 2019 07:51
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My only grocery store is nature and the only thing I'm buying is deer ticks. |
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Feb 28, 2019 00:13
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| # ? Apr 25, 2024 09:49 |
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beaten, bloodied, cut to the bone, your lululemon sodden with the blood of your enemies, you roll your cart toward your ultimate destiny: the canned corn. an even darker battle rages within you than the one you just finished, though: creamed or kernel? Green Giant or store brand? your guts churn and lurch with anxiety, and the weight of your decisions as yet to be made, as you slowly approach the display. a shuffling behind you startles you, and reflexively, without looking, you swing your tori burch bag, covered in studs like a flail, bludgeoning to death the remaining living soul in the grocery aisles: a young man scrabbling for the scraps of Jack Links Prime Cuts Beef Jerky, Teriyaki, 3/$9. you leg sweep the bloodied, half-crushed corpse out of your way, scooping up the teriyaki morsels for your own, because you are a shopper. you are a warrior. you will win this fight. you will make the corn chowder. your family will thank you for not feeding them other shoppers for a change. you are a midwestern mom. you have earned your battle scars. you will earn their respect with your tater tot hot dish and your gravy-covered meat pucks.
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Mar 1, 2019 10:02
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