Literally A Person posted:

My favorite is Shittius Threadus.

quote:

Citizens of Rome missing their feet through accident or illness were taken to the arena, where they were tethered together for Commodus to club to death while pretending they were giants.Privately, it was his custom to slay his practice opponents. For each appearance in the arena, he charged the city of Rome a million sesterces, straining the Roman economy.

timick posted:

Commodus' hands on approach to healthcare makes him stand out.


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Commodus

numberoneposter posted:

The Mark of Caesar protects you.

gimme the GOD drat candy posted:

which one is an anime girl with her butt hanging out? because it's not that one.

Mooey Cow posted:

Gaius Julius Caesar (pronounced Gayus Jewlies Kaiser)


World famous for not having a forehead, he was the first to invent the idea of being emperor of Rome but accidentally declared himself secretary general instead. Which in those days was just a general secretary.

He got real tired of having to take notes of all the Senate hearings and is said to have mentioned to his friend Crassus Combustus: "I need this drat Senate session like I need 23 holes in my torso"

Later that day he died in a car crash from racing through a tunnel trying to outrun paparazzi on motorcycles.

His last words were "[redacted] [redacted] you [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] motherfucker".

General Dog posted:

Constantine

HugeGrossBurrito posted:

Ill also accept Eastern Roman/Byzantine emperors or even Mehmed II if you want

SimonCat posted:

Lyndon Baines Vespasian was my favorite. He used to lecture the Senate while seated on the crapper, but liked togas because they gave plenty of room "down where my nuts hang."

HugeGrossBurrito posted:

Elagabalus

Dmitri-9 posted:

HugeGrossBurrito posted:

I will also accept Consuls and the original kings but i don't have to fuckin like it.

Anyway here are three of my favorite:

Aulus Vitellius Germanicus Augustus (24 September 15 – 22 December 69 AD)



He was a fat loving piece of poo poo. But he invented sunglasses so he could shove food into his gaping maw while looking at the beautiful roman sunset.
Somehow some idiot named Galba put him charge of a bunch of troops in Africa. He mostly just drank but one night he snuck up on some carthaginians and stuffed one up his rear end and spun around until the dude went flying into the desert and was never found which is why they made him emperor.

Anyway he was incompetent and spent all of Rome's money on his food budget and eventually they pushed him down some stairs and his last words were, "bury me with all the sunglasses I made them they are mine."

Marcus Aurelius Probus Augustus (19 August 232 – October 282)




Probus was a smug rear end in a top hat who had a weird long horse face. He was pretty good at fighting and they made him emperor because the Goths really liked him because he would wear that Joy Division shirt with the wavy lines. He loved that shirt but he lost it in a marsh. So up until that point he was doing pretty well but he started getting mad that the troops were just standing around with their dick in their hands all day and not killing people.The troops started to hate him because he had them drain every drat marsh in Gaul looking for that shirt because he couldn't remember which marsh he lost his shirt in.

They got tired of looking for it so they killed him. His last words were, "ow hey what the gently caress."

Marcus Didius Severus Julianus Augustus (30 January 133 – 1 June 193)


Didius your wife, woof.


He won the roman emperorship at auction after the praetorian guard killed the old emperor and didn't have any better ideas.
Didius famously had five nipples, and he would go around rubbing them and asking his underlings to milk him and when they got nervous he would slap them on the back and say, " haha you're alright." He was only emperor for nine weeks but boy did he gently caress poo poo up. He devalued roman currency pretty bad and kept telling the Praetorian Guard that the check from earlier was in the mail but it was not. Dudius was broke. So they killed him.

His last words were, "Alas, I will never live to take advantage of Little Caesars Hot-N-Ready Pizzas for five dollars, furthermo."

Here's a list of roman emperors.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Roman_emperors

UltraRed posted:

Is this viral marketing for that new paradox game?!?!?!??!

HugeGrossBurrito posted:

I will also accept Consuls and the original kings but i don't have to fuckin like it.

Anyway here are three of my favorite:

Aulus Vitellius Germanicus Augustus (24 September 15 – 22 December 69 AD)



He was a fat loving piece of poo poo. But he invented sunglasses so he could shove food into his gaping maw while looking at the beautiful roman sunset.
Somehow some idiot named Galba put him charge of a bunch of troops in Africa. He mostly just drank but one night he snuck up on some carthaginians and stuffed one up his rear end and spun around until the dude went flying into the desert and was never found which is why they made him emperor.

Anyway he was incompetent and spent all of Rome's money on his food budget and eventually they pushed him down some stairs and his last words were, "bury me with all the sunglasses I made them they are mine."

Marcus Aurelius Probus Augustus (19 August 232 – October 282)




Probus was a smug rear end in a top hat who had a weird long horse face. He was pretty good at fighting and they made him emperor because the Goths really liked him because he would wear that Joy Division shirt with the wavy lines. He loved that shirt but he lost it in a marsh. So up until that point he was doing pretty well but he started getting mad that the troops were just standing around with their dick in their hands all day and not killing people.The troops started to hate him because he had them drain every drat marsh in Gaul looking for that shirt because he couldn't remember which marsh he lost his shirt in.

They got tired of looking for it so they killed him. His last words were, "ow hey what the gently caress."

Marcus Didius Severus Julianus Augustus (30 January 133 – 1 June 193)


Didius your wife, woof.


He won the roman emperorship at auction after the praetorian guard killed the old emperor and didn't have any better ideas.
Didius famously had five nipples, and he would go around rubbing them and asking his underlings to milk him and when they got nervous he would slap them on the back and say, " haha you're alright." He was only emperor for nine weeks but boy did he gently caress poo poo up. He devalued roman currency pretty bad and kept telling the Praetorian Guard that the check from earlier was in the mail but it was not. Dudius was broke. So they killed him.

His last words were, "Alas, I will never live to take advantage of Little Caesars Hot-N-Ready Pizzas for five dollars, furthermo."

Here's a list of roman emperors.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Roman_emperors

Alucard posted:

I'm a huge fan of Biggus Dickus

Honky Dong Country posted:

He had a wife, you know...