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Julius CSAR posted:I think it’s fairly obvious You got owned by a buncha senators with knives
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Feb 6, 2019 02:17
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| # ? Apr 19, 2024 00:07 |
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Serious answer it was Germanicus even tho he never got to be emperor
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Feb 6, 2019 02:20
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Julius CSAR posted:I think it’s fairly obvious Sorry, but this is the thread for emperors 
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Feb 6, 2019 02:22
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Arrhythmia posted:For everyone who is laughing at Elagabalus tiny dick: that is almost one hundred percent on purpose. The Gobbler had some ideas about his gender and would probably be considered trans in this day and age. yeah it would be super sad really if he didnt murder all those people he was the first emperor to let women into the senate also
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Feb 6, 2019 02:23
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I've actually been listening to the history of Rome podcast lately so I'll give the smug rear end in a top hat answer; the Praetorians, since they were the true power behind the throne . As an actual answer, Domitian sounds like he got a way worse rap than he deserved mostly because he didn't butter up to the rich assholes in the senate, who wrote the history afterwards. He had a lovely early life, his dad and brother barely paid any attention to him and he was treated like a political trophy in the year of the 4 emperors, he was a goony shut in most of his life that nobody thought would amount to anything and at best people thought he would be actively dangerous as Emperor. Despite this he was actually a really competent administrator, especially when it came to the empires financial footing, who was hugely popular with the common man and the rank and file soldiers seemingly because he put effort into infrastructure, payment and social policies without giving heed to whatever the windbags in the Senate said. He was pragmatic about defending the empires borders, building strong fortifications in the gap between the Danube and Rhine, although his cautious policy towards Dacia was a source of controversy. He was damned as a tyrant later for his paranoia about threats to his life which led to predictable outcomes towards people who looked at him wrong, but this was based on actual real threats on his life that ended up proving his paranoia was perfectly vindicated what with him getting killed by a senatorial conspiracy. Despite this he was still popular for years after his death with most of the citizens of the empire which led to uproar, and lots of misery for his successor, Nerva, who at one point was literally besieged by his own Praetorians until he agreed to prosecute Domitian's killlers (among other reasons). Of course Nerva's only real quality was the fact that he named Trajan the next emperor. All in all, you wonder how much Domitian might have laid the groundwork for the five emperors.
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Feb 6, 2019 02:23
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Arrhythmia posted:For everyone who is laughing at Elagabalus tiny dick: that is almost one hundred percent on purpose. The Gobbler had some ideas about his gender and would probably be considered trans in this day and age. While true, I think classical sculpture in general considered tiny dicks to be a good sign.
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Feb 6, 2019 02:26
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Just let people laugh at the statues with babydicks you nerds. 
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Feb 6, 2019 02:28
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I know nothing about Roman history. Did they really call him the gobbler
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Feb 6, 2019 02:33
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Honky Dong Country posted:Just let people laugh at the statues with babydicks you nerds.  "yeesh dude"
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Feb 6, 2019 02:34
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WatermelonGun posted:I know nothing about Roman history. No.
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Feb 6, 2019 02:37
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weak
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Feb 6, 2019 02:38
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That name fell out of my mind like fifteen minutes ago and to the best of my knowledge is the first time he's ever been called it in history.
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Feb 6, 2019 02:38
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HugeGrossBurrito posted:
*In hushed tones* "Hey Septimus...pssht....pssht hey hey Septimus....this guy doesn't realize that smell he's complaining about is my foreskin." *snorts, stifling a snicker*
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Feb 6, 2019 02:38
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honkus tonkus
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Feb 6, 2019 02:39
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Arrhythmia posted:That name fell out of my mind like fifteen minutes ago and to the best of my knowledge is the first time he's ever been called it in history. It’s a good one, and I will use it.
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Feb 6, 2019 02:39
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Arrhythmia posted:That name fell out of my mind like fifteen minutes ago and to the best of my knowledge is the first time he's ever been called it in history. look edward gibbon made stuff up too ok
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Feb 6, 2019 02:40
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Procopius posted:At that time they say that the Emperor Honorius in Ravenna received the message from one of the eunuchs, evidently a keeper of the poultry, that Rome had perished. And he cried out and said, 'And yet it has just eaten from my hands!' For he had a very large cock, Rome by name; and the eunuch comprehending his words said that it was the city of Rome which had perished at the hands of Alaric, and the emperor with a sigh of relief answered quickly: 'But I thought that my fowl Rome had perished.' So great, they say, was the folly with which this emperor was possessed.
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Feb 6, 2019 02:49
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SimonCat posted:Lyndon Baines Vespasian was my favorite. He used to lecture the Senate while seated on the crapper, but liked togas because they gave plenty of room "down where my nuts hang."  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nR_myjOr0OU
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Feb 6, 2019 02:50
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Lmao the burp
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Feb 6, 2019 02:54
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 Maximinus Thrax was a giant and also a complete dick. You'd think that being 7' would get you some respect but he got utterly owned by his own praetorian guard after 3 years because he wouldn't stop invading poo poo out of boredom and killing people who didn't seem "trustworthy" on a whim.
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Feb 6, 2019 03:07
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13Pandora13 posted:
Lol I was going to do thrax but I couldn’t think of anything he didn’t do to himself. Anyway I’ll post a bunch more terrible histories tomorrow
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Feb 6, 2019 03:10
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Basil II, Little Caesar (Pizza Pizza,) or Tim-Bob.
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Feb 6, 2019 03:14
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13Pandora13 posted:
Cool name though
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Feb 6, 2019 03:19
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Hmm.... it's a tossup between Pupienus and Balbinus
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Feb 6, 2019 03:22
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Whorelord posted:Cool name though oh yeah definitely, I'm pretty sure he was looking for infinity stones
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Feb 6, 2019 03:23
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HugeGrossBurrito posted:
These old dudes are ripped. But still doesn’t compensate for 2 inch dongs.
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Feb 6, 2019 03:36
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i like gordian i because, lol:quote:[His elevation to emperor] happened that on the day these events occurred (the killing of the tax collector) Gordian was at home resting, enjoying a brief respite from his labors and duties. Accompanied by the entire band with drawn swords, the youths (those who had killed the tax collector) overpowered the guards on duty at the gates and burst into the house…. Standing around him, they draped him in a purple cloak and greeted him with the imperial honors. old guy gets elevated by an angry mob that threatens to kill him and his family if he doesn't accept, only for him and his family to get killed three weeks later by an invading army
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Feb 6, 2019 03:56
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other good options: - caracalla: murdered his brother in front of his mother and then tried to purge him from history - justin ii: had his servants build a throne with wheels. as contemporary accounts put it, "having placed him on [the throne], his chamberlains drew him about, and ran with him backwards and forwards for a long time, while he, in delight and admiration at their speed, desisted from many of his absurdities." - commodus: got angry that people didn't like his gladiator cosplay - gordian iii: became emperor at 13 because all the adults got themselves killed QuoProQuid fucked around with this message at 04:18 on Feb 6, 2019 |
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Feb 6, 2019 04:15
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gimme the GOD drat candy posted:which one is an anime girl with her butt hanging out? because it's not that one.  Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, talked only in moonspeak with the really decipherable word being "umu" which was considered agreement. A vain glorious emperor, felt the need to walk around in a partially transparent dress. According to scholars she felt the greatest gift to her people was an unadulterated view of her underwear. Apparently the more useless enjoyed this but otherwise proved to be a major distraction to the day to day running of the empire, to the point that Rome's accountants forgot to pay the Imperial water bill after a particularly severe full frontal assault, leading the Great Fire of Rome. Eventually her secretary got so fed up he stabbed her to death, afterwards the history books were rewritten to make her a guy so that no future leaders get any ideas and replicate her antics.
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Feb 6, 2019 04:22
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anime was punishable by death under the Roman Empire
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Feb 6, 2019 04:24
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*Praetorian Guard assassinates Commodus and installs Pertinax* Pertinax: The praetorian guard is obviously in some serious need of reform. *Praetorian guard kills Pertinax and parades his severed head through the streets attached to a lance* (the praetorian guard then gave the title of emperor to Didius Julianas, the one mentioned in the OP who literally bought it. if you've forgotten: they killed him too a few months later)
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Feb 6, 2019 04:30
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QuoProQuid posted:- gordian iii: became emperor at 13 because all the adults got themselves killed
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Feb 6, 2019 04:35
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strange feelings re Daisy posted:*Praetorian Guard assassinates Commodus and installs Pertinax* make up ur minds jeez
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Feb 6, 2019 04:38
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Teriyaki Hairpiece posted:Gordian III wasn't even named Gordian till he was emperor and he didn't choose the name for himself. People at the time just really wanted an emperor named loving Gordian. ] 
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Feb 6, 2019 04:43
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Nero. Cause if poo poo's going to go wrong, it should at least be entertaining.
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Feb 6, 2019 04:55
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As Nero Danced posted:Nero. Cause if poo poo's going to go wrong, it should at least be entertaining. Least surprising answer ever.
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Feb 6, 2019 04:56
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Bodhidharma posted:Hmm.... it's a tossup between Pupienus and Balbinus Dammit beaten to the Poopy Anus joke. 
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Feb 6, 2019 05:03
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HugeGrossBurrito posted:He also commissioned this statue for himself. Can't believe I'm the first person to point this out, but we definitely know who this guy ISN'T Alucard posted:I'm a huge fan of Biggus Dickus
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Feb 6, 2019 05:25
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 Antoninus Pius 138 to 161. Patron of the arts, sciences, religion, and philosophy. Made it a priority to build more aqueducts to ensure the people of Rome always had fresh drinking water (and built tons more across the empire). Never fought a single war during the 24 years he was emperor. Last emperor to leave a surplus in the imperial treasury for his successor. Died of illness. Perhaps most importantly, he tutored and mentored that successor... Who you may more instantly recognize.  Marcus Aurelious 161 to 180 Stoic, philanthropist, philosopher. Personally attended to several natural disasters that affected the people of Rome during his reign. Fought and won several wars despite a plague wiping out an estimated 1/3rd of his armies in some locations. Revalued the currency. quote:“Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.” quote:Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.
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Feb 6, 2019 06:24
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best was theodora thats right theres an "a" at the end of theordor. Not allowed within 500 feet of petting zoos or aviaries for reasons
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Feb 6, 2019 06:53
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