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petit choux
Feb 24, 2016

zut alors! c'est incroyable!




Hey, thanks for all the supportive words. I really appreciate it. I might as well admit that I have been spotty in taking my antidepressants and that's part of the reason I'm getting a lot of negative emotions going on. Just getting these inarticulate pangs of sorrow and pain kind of randomly. Trying to get that Zoloft rictus back.

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Cpt_Obvious
Jun 18, 2007

I don't Want to be this kind of animal anymore.



Ping-ponging on and off medication can really gently caress with your head. I don't want to take away from any genuine despair you might be feeling from life events, but it could be exasperated by spotty meds.

Just keep on keeping on and remember that emotions are temporary. They'll change, even if they feel like they never will.

UnfortunateSexFart
May 18, 2008

𒃻 𒌓𒁉𒋫 𒆷𒁀𒅅𒆷
𒆠𒂖 𒌉 𒌫 𒁮𒈠𒈾𒅗 𒂉 𒉡𒌒𒂉𒊑




samantonio posted:

Agree,

Just think about all the confidence and strength that you're building up to be able to meet the next hurdles that life throws at you. It's pretty impressive that you're already able to take this much on and keep going and I'd be curious to see how great of an outcome you have waiting for you if your perseverance to never gives up stays with you. So far, you're doing exactly what you've been asked it looks like. You're laying a foundation towards something that I'm sure will be very meaningful to you. In my experience, life never throws at you more than you can handle, we just don't always know we're capable of handling what has been thrown at us. When we emerge from the other side of the lesson that is our current obstacle we are stronger for having experienced that journey.

I have tremendous faith in you to do the right thing.

I know you weren't talking to me but can we not do the "it's all in the plan" nonsense. I am absolutely not handling not being able to sleep, it is not making me stronger, it is destroying me. I'm turning 41 soon and to pretend anything has any rhyme or reason makes me angry, sorry. Only a cruel deity would rob me of the ability to sleep then make me perform high level tasks for eight hours per day with severe brain fog during the one time where I could recharge.

I'm so worn down. Posting this at 6am Aussie time with 3 hours sleep max.

Josherino
Mar 24, 2021



petit choux posted:

Hey, thanks for all the supportive words. I really appreciate it. I might as well admit that I have been spotty in taking my antidepressants and that's part of the reason I'm getting a lot of negative emotions going on. Just getting these inarticulate pangs of sorrow and pain kind of randomly. Trying to get that Zoloft rictus back.

Just remember - you're allowed to be spotty and feel the way you do as you continue to take on these challenges. There is no shame is being outspoken, and I commend you for sharing your recent experiences here with everyone.

Josherino
Mar 24, 2021



UnfortunateSexFart posted:

I know you weren't talking to me but can we not do the "it's all in the plan" nonsense. I am absolutely not handling not being able to sleep, it is not making me stronger, it is destroying me. I'm turning 41 soon and to pretend anything has any rhyme or reason makes me angry, sorry. Only a cruel deity would rob me of the ability to sleep then make me perform high level tasks for eight hours per day with severe brain fog during the one time where I could recharge.

I'm so worn down. Posting this at 6am Aussie time with 3 hours sleep max.

I don't think you need to apologize for this one, friend. If I were in your shoes, I would definitely feel the same way.

Sleep apnea can be a real danger; curious, have you ever received any help for it?

Pleiadian Light
Jan 8, 2021

for spaces are plenty in this heady canopy


UnfortunateSexFart posted:

I know you weren't talking to me but can we not do the "it's all in the plan" nonsense. I am absolutely not handling not being able to sleep, it is not making me stronger, it is destroying me. I'm turning 41 soon and to pretend anything has any rhyme or reason makes me angry, sorry. Only a cruel deity would rob me of the ability to sleep then make me perform high level tasks for eight hours per day with severe brain fog during the one time where I could recharge.

I'm so worn down. Posting this at 6am Aussie time with 3 hours sleep max.

No worries, I completely understand.

If you need to vent anything, honestly let me know. I'm going through a lot of poo poo myself and I have found with me it's good to help others who have been in lovely situations like I have been. We're all in this poo poo together.

Orb Crabmelt
Jan 16, 2011



Clapping Larry

I'm in the final week of my undergrad studies and I think my brain is trying to gently caress me over. I have weeks' worth of assignments due in about ten days from now and just can't get out of bed most of the time. Whenever I try to talk to friends, they mostly give the standard "make a checklist" & pomodoro stuff and it feels alienating.

Thank you for providing a space to vent, thread.

Dixville
Nov 4, 2008

Your Best Paw Forward

Ham Wrangler

Yay uncontrollable crying at work! I missed you so! I'm on some different meds lately but I don't think it's related. I just had some bad dreams and then had a stressful day at work and it was just too much. On the plus side my coworkers and managers are being super supportive. I don't know if I will take time off work again. I'm in california so money isn't an issue as i can use SDI but I just worry I would just continue to lay around all day like I've been doing on my days off. Anyway i dunno why but this thread is helpful to me even though i don't usually post in cspam. Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences.

Orb Crabmelt
Jan 16, 2011



Clapping Larry

Having a bunch of emotionally-enlightened zoomer coworkers was one of the few benefits of my last job, bless those kids.

UnfortunateSexFart
May 18, 2008

𒃻 𒌓𒁉𒋫 𒆷𒁀𒅅𒆷
𒆠𒂖 𒌉 𒌫 𒁮𒈠𒈾𒅗 𒂉 𒉡𒌒𒂉𒊑




Josherino posted:

I don't think you need to apologize for this one, friend. If I were in your shoes, I would definitely feel the same way.

Sleep apnea can be a real danger; curious, have you ever received any help for it?

I was tested for apnea at an overnight university sleep clinic and don't have it or anything else easily fixable. It's just chronic constant anxiety mixed with being an incredibly light sleeper and not being able to afford more than a one bedroom apartment in a busy urban area where work for constantly fatigued people is still achievable (just barely - been security most of my life). I already wear earplugs and found the quietest apartment I could, but bass goes right through them.

My mom is the same way but also has apnea as she's super fat. Hard to stay in shape when all you want to do is lie down 24/7.

I didn't even have kids because there is no way I wanted to pass this on and/or be as bad a parent as she was.

Thanks for the sympathy though guys. For some reason 3am rants in this thread help me go back to sleep.

Edit: my wife doesn't have apnea either. She's just snoring a bit, maybe wouldn't bother a normal sleeper.

Josherino
Mar 24, 2021



Orb Crabmelt posted:

I'm in the final week of my undergrad studies and I think my brain is trying to gently caress me over. I have weeks' worth of assignments due in about ten days from now and just can't get out of bed most of the time. Whenever I try to talk to friends, they mostly give the standard "make a checklist" & pomodoro stuff and it feels alienating.

Thank you for providing a space to vent, thread.

I don't want to ignore what you're experiencing - I just wanted to make sure that I extended my congrats in regards to you making it this far in your undergrad studies.

What's worked for you in the past when it comes to encouragement? Or is this alienating feeling new when it comes to hearing your friends make those checklist comments?

Josherino
Mar 24, 2021



UnfortunateSexFart posted:

I was tested for apnea at an overnight university sleep clinic and don't have it or anything else easily fixable. It's just chronic constant anxiety mixed with being an incredibly light sleeper and not being able to afford more than a one bedroom apartment in a busy urban area where work for constantly fatigued people is still achievable (just barely - been security most of my life). I already wear earplugs and found the quietest apartment I could, but bass goes right through them.

My mom is the same way but also has apnea as she's super fat. Hard to stay in shape when all you want to do is lie down 24/7.

I didn't even have kids because there is no way I wanted to pass this on and/or be as bad a parent as she was.

Thanks for the sympathy though guys. For some reason 3am rants in this thread help me go back to sleep.

Edit: my wife doesn't have apnea either. She's just snoring a bit, maybe wouldn't bother a normal sleeper.

I appreciate you being open about your experiences - you didn't have to, but you did, and that's something I personally don't like to take for granted.

On nights in the past, what's helped you get the deep sleep you need?

I'm wondering if 30/60 min of light exercise before bed would help alleviate some of that anxiety and help you settle into sleep better. I'm not talking about doing some extreme push up or work out routine - just something you can do, even if it's yoga, to help you get into a rhythm

UnfortunateSexFart
May 18, 2008

𒃻 𒌓𒁉𒋫 𒆷𒁀𒅅𒆷
𒆠𒂖 𒌉 𒌫 𒁮𒈠𒈾𒅗 𒂉 𒉡𒌒𒂉𒊑




Josherino posted:

I appreciate you being open about your experiences - you didn't have to, but you did, and that's something I personally don't like to take for granted.

On nights in the past, what's helped you get the deep sleep you need?

I'm wondering if 30/60 min of light exercise before bed would help alleviate some of that anxiety and help you settle into sleep better. I'm not talking about doing some extreme push up or work out routine - just something you can do, even if it's yoga, to help you get into a rhythm

Nothing stops me from being a light sleeper but if I have absolutely nothing to worry about and there's no noise I sleep well.

I do walk home from work every day which takes an hour (4km).

Orb Crabmelt
Jan 16, 2011



Clapping Larry

Josherino posted:

I don't want to ignore what you're experiencing - I just wanted to make sure that I extended my congrats in regards to you making it this far in your undergrad studies.

What's worked for you in the past when it comes to encouragement? Or is this alienating feeling new when it comes to hearing your friends make those checklist comments?

Oddly enough, the times I was able to overcome this type of thing it was more like a switch being flipped than anything else. Maybe the pressure of having the deadline coming up?

Thank you for the kind words!

vvvvvv I tried the disabilities thing last semester: no dice! But thanks

Orb Crabmelt has issued a correction as of 03:28 on Apr 26, 2021

Uganda Loves Me
May 24, 2002




Orb Crabmelt posted:

I'm in the final week of my undergrad studies and I think my brain is trying to gently caress me over. I have weeks' worth of assignments due in about ten days from now and just can't get out of bed most of the time. Whenever I try to talk to friends, they mostly give the standard "make a checklist" & pomodoro stuff and it feels alienating.

Thank you for providing a space to vent, thread.

Are you registered with your university's office of students with disabilities? If worst comes to worst, they may be able to pull strings for you. I know that's just one more thing to deal with, though. I struggled quite a bit through my undergrad studies, and that helped me. I agree that practical advice doesn't exactly address the underlying problem of depression. Talking to people who have experienced what you experienced can help.

Josherino
Mar 24, 2021



UnfortunateSexFart posted:

Nothing stops me from being a light sleeper but if I have absolutely nothing to worry about and there's no noise I sleep well.

I do walk home from work every day which takes an hour (4km).

Seriously good work on the 4km walk.

I'm wondering if that yoga or any kind of exercise that promotes mindfulness would help at all.

Josherino
Mar 24, 2021



Orb Crabmelt posted:

Oddly enough, the times I was able to overcome this type of thing it was more like a switch being flipped than anything else. Maybe the pressure of having the deadline coming up?

Thank you for the kind words!

vvvvvv I tried the disabilities thing last semester: no dice! But thanks

That anxiety could be provoked by that deadline, but this could also be something you can get some genuine help for you know?

There's definitely no shame in checking out what "Uganda Loves Me" mentioned regarding the 'students with dissabilities' office.

There are some things that may be out of our control, and systems like that can really help us overcome any difficulties we may face.

*EDIT - I JUST saw your edit regarding the office.

Have you ever tried any mindfulness exercises when you face anxiety like this?

Destroy My Sweater
Jul 24, 2009



I know I'm preaching to the choir complaining about US healthcare here, but is there any sort of concrete way to deal with (non-diagnosed) anxiety/depression associated with getting treated for a chronic condition? Like, the constant fear of losing your medicine? I feel like people on insulin must deal with this but I wasn't sure if it had a name.

I had a big word salad typed out but basically, I've been on dupilumab for 2.5 years. It's super loving expensive but it's the only thing that works to keep me out of the emergency room for my hosed up skin. I was pretty much in constant pain and couldn't do much physically for a year. It took over six months of back-and-forth with my insurance to deny me coverage so I could get the medicine for free through a patient assistance program.

Anyway, you have to order the meds every month (it's a biologic) and can't stock up on doses. I have a constant pit in my stomach when I have to order my meds because every couple of months there's some sort of issue with my insurance, the patient assistance for my meds has changed, the manufacturer needs updates on my income/authorization from my doctor, etc. There have been a few times where I've been convinced I'm about to be thrown off of it and it's happening again. My copay assistance is apparently depleted and my insurance won't cover it until I meet my deductible (over $8,500). This has blindsided me after trying to stay on top of it the best I can.

When I talk to the various people that help me navigate this shitshow (my doctor's office, insurance company, the pharmacy, the manufacturer of the medicine, my girlfriend, my family) they all are sympathetic and agree that my situation is hosed up but that's all they can offer. I know I can't expect anyone to go out of their way to help me or offer guidance or even do anything, but it feels like some sort of failing on my part (I know it's not). I have tried alternative treatments, supplements, diet/exercise, cleaning up my environment, etc. I've been as proactive as possible when it comes to making sure my meds are covered. I never wanted to go on this stuff because you're pretty much expected to be on it forever but I don't want to go back to the emergency room or being a recluse.

Re-reading this makes me feel dumb and I know it's just another "lol hosed up health system" story. I feel like the 2.5 years of this plus the year of suffering I went through just trying to get on this medicine has broken my brain. Part of me wants to go to therapy but I'm not sure how that'd go. I feel like I can't move forward with my life constantly worrying about all of this.

Anyway, I've been lurking this thread for the past year and appreciate everyone's stories and sincerity. Thanks for reading, I just don't have many people to share all of this with.

Jorge Bell
Aug 2, 2006


Destroy My Sweater posted:

I know I'm preaching to the choir complaining about US healthcare here, but is there any sort of concrete way to deal with (non-diagnosed) anxiety/depression associated with getting treated for a chronic condition? Like, the constant fear of losing your medicine? I feel like people on insulin must deal with this but I wasn't sure if it had a name.

While your anxieties are extremely legitimate, if they're interfering with your life in negative ways therapy absolutely could help with this. You may not even need formal therapy - support groups for people dealing with medical issues exist and based on the end of your post it might be extremely gratifying for you to just air things out with people in similar situations. Best case, you may even get some better info on how to navigate your poo poo.

Josherino
Mar 24, 2021



Jorge Bell posted:

While your anxieties are extremely legitimate, if they're interfering with your life in negative ways therapy absolutely could help with this. You may not even need formal therapy - support groups for people dealing with medical issues exist and based on the end of your post it might be extremely gratifying for you to just air things out with people in similar situations. Best case, you may even get some better info on how to navigate your poo poo.

Agreed - our own tolerance levels can really get in the way of our own progress. There's no shame in attending support groups, or therapy.

Consummate Professional
Sep 1, 2006

did you know that even with seat belts
pople die all the time in car crashes? i
thought that was interesting



I think my naltrexone prescription has kicked in. I was drinking and thought "eh, this is kinda boring, I want to do something else".

That is an amazing thought for me and incredibly freeing.

Josherino
Mar 24, 2021



Consummate Professional posted:

I think my naltrexone prescription has kicked in. I was drinking and thought "eh, this is kinda boring, I want to do something else".

That is an amazing thought for me and incredibly freeing.

It's good to see you back on the thread!

How's everything going so far?

Consummate Professional
Sep 1, 2006

did you know that even with seat belts
pople die all the time in car crashes? i
thought that was interesting



I'm doing pretty well! School is moving along, the IOP is useful and I'm doing my best not to let other people bother me and take me out of it. I think I'm going to explore going to a meeting this week.

I had a random panic attack a few days ago and I was able to work myself through it which was pretty amazing. previously, that would have been the end of my day/lead to getting pretty goddamn drunk

Josherino
Mar 24, 2021



Consummate Professional posted:

I'm doing pretty well! School is moving along, the IOP is useful and I'm doing my best not to let other people bother me and take me out of it. I think I'm going to explore going to a meeting this week.

I had a random panic attack a few days ago and I was able to work myself through it which was pretty amazing. previously, that would have been the end of my day/lead to getting pretty goddamn drunk

Super happy to hear about how you handled that panic attack ; Keep pushing and maintain that energy, friend - you've got this.

Consummate Professional
Sep 1, 2006

did you know that even with seat belts
pople die all the time in car crashes? i
thought that was interesting



Thank you! I try not to post my daily bitching in here because we all deal with it and I can usually handle it now.

This thread has been such a godsend and I wish the best in all things for everyone in here

Josherino
Mar 24, 2021



Consummate Professional posted:

Thank you! I try not to post my daily bitching in here because we all deal with it and I can usually handle it now.

This thread has been such a godsend and I wish the best in all things for everyone in here

No problem! and thank you for sharing your experiences thus far. Never hesitate to reach out!

DoubleDonut
Oct 22, 2010




Fallen Rib

while looking for a therapist in my area, I've decided that one of the things I hate most in life is looking at lists of professional portraits

or maybe I'm just already stressed out to poo poo and latching on to something vaguely unsettling idk

Josherino
Mar 24, 2021



DoubleDonut posted:

while looking for a therapist in my area, I've decided that one of the things I hate most in life is looking at lists of professional portraits

or maybe I'm just already stressed out to poo poo and latching on to something vaguely unsettling idk

My fiance works as an MFT - and we love poking fun at therapists who take themselves so seriously, that they have oil paintings of themselves in their office.

DoubleDonut
Oct 22, 2010




Fallen Rib

Haha, I don't even mean that - just the photos on Psychology Today. Creeps me out for some reason.

Pleiadian Light
Jan 8, 2021

for spaces are plenty in this heady canopy


Got accepted back to college today, got my FAFSA filled out and will probably get in touch with a counselor tomorrow to check out how I want to structure classes. This has been a major boost to the emotional state, though I am nervous.y last attempt at college was 13+ years ago, but feel ready this time.

I noticed the recruiter's signature line lists his pronouns he/him/his so a true marxist/cancel culture school. I should fit in lol.

Ball Tazeman
Feb 2, 2010



We bought our house, but now I am so anxious and panicky all the time that being there makes me cry and go in to a full on panic attack. we found out the sellers lied about the basement and water is seeping in from the ground. I cant afford to get it worked on, we spent all our money on closing and moving. Anyway, I can barely function from stress and anxiety and somehow Im supposed to live there and feel okay. Also the carpet stinks, which wasnt that way when we did our walkthrough or inspection, so Im worried about needing to rip it up. I didnt sleep last night because my mind is pacing and my stomach is in knots.

Chokes McGee
Aug 7, 2008

This is Urotsuki.


My doctor recently started me on 7.5mg of mirtazapine which has cured my insomnia problems, mostly. Since I've been under a lot of stress going into the move and having random panic attacks—plus I was tired of constantly wanting to eat all the food, all of it—we thought we'd go up to 15mg and see what happened.

What happened was a horrible mood plunge that left me basically unable to function or even stay awake for five days.

So, I'm back on 7.5mg. Really love all these abnormal reactions to medications My pdoc's really cool though and knows his poo poo, so this is more a hiccup than anything else. At least now I know!

Cpt_Obvious
Jun 18, 2007

I don't Want to be this kind of animal anymore.



Ball Tazeman posted:

We bought our house, but now I am so anxious and panicky all the time that being there makes me cry and go in to a full on panic attack. we found out the sellers lied about the basement and water is seeping in from the ground. I can’t afford to get it worked on, we spent all our money on closing and moving. Anyway, I can barely function from stress and anxiety and somehow I’m supposed to live there and feel okay. Also the carpet stinks, which wasn’t that way when we did our walkthrough or inspection, so I’m worried about needing to rip it up. I didn’t sleep last night because my mind is pacing and my stomach is in knots.

Water coming through the basement is a super common problem. Which is not to say you should feel one way or another about it, but know that so many new homeowners have the same issue. poo poo, I got rain coming the bilco doors which I have neither the knowledge nor the resources to repair, so I got a big-rear end tarp that I toss over them whenever it rains. Problem solved? Not nearly. But for now it's manageable and I no longer find myself obsessing over it.

Researching a few do it yourself solutions always makes me feel a bit more empowered when I run into a problem like that. Even if I don't end up doing them, I still feel better when I get a grip on what's going on and what to do about it. It feels less like a tragedy happening to me and more like an obstacle to overcome.

The homeowner thread on these forums might be a helpful resource for you to ask some basic questions.

Ball Tazeman
Feb 2, 2010




Thank you. I just have this overwhelming sense of fear and dread and Im obsessively afraid of health hazards in the home, especially since we dont have a lot of money right now.

poll plane variant
Jan 12, 2021

evolution in action

Ball Tazeman posted:

We bought our house, but now I am so anxious and panicky all the time that being there makes me cry and go in to a full on panic attack. we found out the sellers lied about the basement and water is seeping in from the ground. I cant afford to get it worked on, we spent all our money on closing and moving. Anyway, I can barely function from stress and anxiety and somehow Im supposed to live there and feel okay. Also the carpet stinks, which wasnt that way when we did our walkthrough or inspection, so Im worried about needing to rip it up. I didnt sleep last night because my mind is pacing and my stomach is in knots.

Mark it up enough to cover everything and sell it to some waived-inspection moron in like 25 seconds?

Cpt_Obvious
Jun 18, 2007

I don't Want to be this kind of animal anymore.



Ball Tazeman posted:

Thank you. I just have this overwhelming sense of fear and dread and Im obsessively afraid of health hazards in the home, especially since we dont have a lot of money right now.

Oh I definitely know the feeling.

I'm a first time homeowner as well, and we discovered that some of the rooms in our 100 year old house are wildly uneven, like 3-4 inch difference in the floors from one end of the room to the other such that multiple doors won't close because the frames look like something out of a funhouse mirror. I thought there was something wrong in the joists, some massively expensive renovation that would cost thousands of dollars that we can't afford. I became obsessed with looming financial ruin and feeling cheated by the seller and by the inspector.

Eventually it all just sort of...passed. The emotions dissipated because that's what emotions do. This 100 year old house wasn't going to collapse tomorrow, and if I was gonna get hosed out of a bunch of money in home repairs well, the bank was already loving me out of 100's of thousands of dollars on my mortgage alone. So, I got a hand planer and I'm gonna shave down the doors so that they close properly because that's all I can really afford to do right now. But at the time, yeah, I was stressed out beyond belief.

I think that the most insidious part about emotional health is the fact that society has convinced us that happiness is the "normal" state of things. That our anxieties and our despair are abnormal, and if only we'd buy more poo poo we could be happy like everyone else. But it's all a big farce. Life is gonna drag you down and that's normal. Sadness is normal. Stress is normal. Everyone feels it, but nobody is allowed to talk about it. But the reality is that happiness isn't a default state, it is a goal.

Sanguinary Novel
Jan 27, 2009


Not to mention that we really don't pass on or teach good way to deal with heavy emotions that don't involve consumption in some way, or shaming you into smothering it. Or honestly, giving you the space and time to deal with that poo poo - if you're working three part time jobs to make ends meet, taking care of a family, or living a really stressful life, there's no time to process. Like every crappy blog post about work burnout tells you to take a (very small, work approved) vacation, which is not an option for many people. I know DBT therapy isn't a huge hit with CSPAM, but I do appreciate it literally teaching me ways to deal with extreme emotions in a step-by-step way. Like my family 'taught' me the best way to deal with injustice and horrible events was to drink excessively and lash out at everyone for any perceived weaknesses as a way of 'toughening them up', and that's kinda unhelpful

Also, mawarannahr, thank you again for recommending Do What You Love by Miya Tokemitsu, finally got around to reading it! It takes a lot of things I knew in parts, and pulls it together to create a really cohesive picture of how hosed the job market is and how we got here. I still have a lot of feelings to work through as an individual, but it's almost relieving to know that the problems we all face are much too large for one person to fix, and it's a collective effort that will change things. I beat myself up a lot about not doing enough to participate in protests or leading the charge, but helping change things could be as small as convincing co-workers that working 60+ hours is loving garbage, or being a relentless rear end in a top hat about sharing salary info.

Chokes McGee
Aug 7, 2008

This is Urotsuki.


SchnorkIes posted:

Mark it up enough to cover everything and sell it to some waived-inspection moron in like 25 seconds?

this is terrible advice, you give terrible advice plane

poll plane variant
Jan 12, 2021

evolution in action

Chokes McGee posted:

this is terrible advice, you give terrible advice plane

Sorry, too much time in BFC.

gently caress basements, I grew up in a place where they couldn't even try to build them and it was a wonderful thing.

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Ball Tazeman
Feb 2, 2010



We came back today to clean and its even worse. Theres water everywhere and we had to pull insulation off the walls to find some big rear end holes in the cement where water was just pouring through. Im sitting in the empty bedroom shaking and bawling my eyes out and feeling stupid. Theres loving mold and mildew everywhere and feeling like I made the biggest mistake of my life.

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