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What kind of spell caster are you goons
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Outrail
Jan 4, 2009

www.sapphicrobotica.com
:roboluv: :love: :roboluv:

A Fancy Hat posted:

So I kind of screwed up (hear me out) and need some advice.

During quarantine I was completely alone in my citadel. I divorced about 300 years ago, haven't really gotten around to dating again yet. So you know, like everybody else I got bored and lonely.

So, long story short, one night back in April I started talking with a Mud Witch. She's an incredible lady, really nice and funny and everything. But she's just not my type, physically. She's pretty much an amorphous blob of mud, with a few blades of grass for her hair. She's been talking recently about meeting up, which is fine, but she's been dropping some major hints about wanting to combine our magicks, if you know what I mean.

How do I let her down nicely? I realize I am no prize myself (ever since the Barbarian Gorrth stabbed me with the Crimson Blade of Carkull I've been losing my hair and can't put on muscle) but I can't change what I am attracted to.

Cast charm and Shallow Hal yourself into thinking she's a hot wood nymph or whatever you're into.

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dudeness
Mar 5, 2010

:minnie: Cat Army :minnie:
Fallen Rib
I really thought I was gonna learn some new magical disciplines during quarantine, learn a new branch of magic or craft some objects of power, but I spent most of the time scrying wood nymphs and eating frozen pizza. Couldn't even get the pyromancy right so the pizza was usually half cooked.

Colonel Cancer
Sep 26, 2015

Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon
Just minor illusion brah

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Spoke to the Mud Witch, decided honesty was the best policy. We're going to stay friends and swap some magic spells (she knows a shitload about electromancy since she grew up in a bog down south) but no romance.

I've also decided to work on myself a bit before I get into a relationship again. My last marriage fell apart because my wife and I drifted apart (she was a 7 dimensional hyper-crystal) and I never made the effort to reinvent myself afterwards.

Anybody know where I can buy some new clothes? I've been wearing the same moth-eaten robe for a couple of decades now, I could do with a new moth-eaten robe or possibly some sort of a shawl.

Fur20
Nov 14, 2007

すご▞い!
君は働か░い
フ▙▓ズなんだね!

A Fancy Hat posted:

How do I let her down nicely? I realize I am no prize myself (ever since the Barbarian Gorrth stabbed me with the Crimson Blade of Carkull I've been losing my hair and can't put on muscle) but I can't change what I am attracted to.

just tell her that your innate element is water and as much as mud witches like to say otherwise everyone knows their true element is Earth, so it'll take hours for you to even get it up. even though it's a work of fiction, the final fantasy elemental affinity chart is surprisingly accurate

Fur20 fucked around with this message at 19:29 on Jun 10, 2020

Colonel Cancer
Sep 26, 2015

Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon
Bud just get a buncha shiny rocks and stick them in your empty skull, witches love bling

Colonel Cancer
Sep 26, 2015

Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon
In fact just drop your body, and soon you'll be capturing hearts and souls with your gem skull

Pieces of Peace
Jul 8, 2006
Hazardous in small doses.
2020 baby, Year of the Anarchomancer! You all laughed when I picked a class without levels, but who will be laughing when we destroy your hegemonic spell structure entirely?! Just a few more weeks of merging with the Collective Human Subconscious and we'll be able to enact a ritual that will shatter all states and redistribute political and arcane power to the people!

Have fun learning to ask your neighbors to collaboratively socialize their mana with yours, you cha-dumping arcano-capitalists!

Colonel Cancer
Sep 26, 2015

Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon
Ugh narcomancers are the worst

Deki
May 12, 2008

It's Hammer Time!
I hate when fellow evildoers move in nearby and think that our shared evilness means we're all on the same side.

My new neighbor in the lands of the East is some dipshit Barbarian king bent on destroying the civilized and magical worlds, and he keeps trying to recruit me since I'm "one of the good ones". Yeah, I spent 200 years apprenticing under a dark lord to hang out with a bunch of unwashed morons.

I'm currently warding the lands I torment to fuel my dark sorcery have under my protection so I'm in no real danger, but it's annoying that he hasn't gotten the hint that I'm not interested.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

I hear ya. My brother's wife is a chronomage, and apparently a big goal of hers is to "destroy the time continuum" or some crap like that. I couldn't care less, if you wanna enchant some clocks or whatever that's fine.

Every loving time she comes by, it's "do you want some time crystals" this or "can you help me open a temporal flux zone". If she keeps talking about "freeing civilization from the shackles of linear time" I'm gonna go insane. Lady, I just want to live in my castle, summon undead horrors, and talk to the Unseeable Ones. I'm a simple guy.

The Bramble
Mar 16, 2004

gently caress I've really hosed up this time. I had some leftover ground gorgon hoof after my last job and got reeeeallly loving high off it and started playing Overwatch last night. This one goddamn Hanzo was all over my rear end and and one-shotting me from across the map, and ABSOLUTELY NEVER missed an opportunity to taunt as the killcam played. Well, I was feeling picked on and put an end to it when I turned the guys fingers into literal turgid penises for 6 hours. Well, guess whose Herald of Operations is now wondering why his 13-year son had dicks for fingers last night?? Goron the All-Knowing, that's who!!

I am so hosed and I don't see an out here aside from facing the music or throwing myself into the Mariana's Trench and entering torpor for a couple centuries until the heat is off. So much for my platinum Overwatch ranking, never mind my loved ones and mortal progeny if I go that route.

I'm not looking for sympathy or anything, just everyone consider this a warning about gorgon hoof consumption when your mana tanks are topped off and ready to burn...

Outrail
Jan 4, 2009

www.sapphicrobotica.com
:roboluv: :love: :roboluv:
Wouldn't it be easier to throw the Herald of Operations and his dick fingered son into the Marianas Trench? Sure he's All-Knowing so he's gonna know it was you, but is he All-Telling while he's stuck in a torpor for a couple of centuries? No. He's just gonna be another high level executive victim of random disappearances. HR won't want to know where he's gone in case they have to pay a ransom or send an expensive extraction team to get him.

I've done this like five times now. I think someone figured it out and they're deliberately giving me problematic managers because it's cheaper than paying severance.

Fur20
Nov 14, 2007

すご▞い!
君は働か░い
フ▙▓ズなんだね!

Pieces of Peace posted:

Have fun learning to ask your neighbors to collaboratively socialize their mana with yours, you cha-dumping arcano-capitalists!

i fuckin hate anarchomancers, they think sorcery is genetic and wizardry is ivory tower poo poo but actually they just want to take the shortcut to learning true magic without having to have a psychadelic experience and then walking ten thousand miles to find just barely enough enlightenment to learn sage spells

everyone can magic but nobody is willing to put in the effort these days

you know what happens when you Enlighten people who havent contemplated the truth of existence for thousands of hours on end? that's right, you end up with seven billion people tearing off their own faces because they can't handle the wisdom you just piped into their brains. well at least i have some advance warning this time that some stupid jackass is gonna cast a low-level mind merging ritual so i can get the reagants for untangling the psyches of the people living in my domain

Fur20 fucked around with this message at 18:42 on Jun 11, 2020

The Bramble
Mar 16, 2004

Outrail posted:

Wouldn't it be easier to throw the Herald of Operations and his dick fingered son into the Marianas Trench? Sure he's All-Knowing so he's gonna know it was you, but is he All-Telling while he's stuck in a torpor for a couple of centuries? No. He's just gonna be another high level executive victim of random disappearances. HR won't want to know where he's gone in case they have to pay a ransom or send an expensive extraction team to get him.

I've done this like five times now. I think someone figured it out and they're deliberately giving me problematic managers because it's cheaper than paying severance.

So, I guess I have an update here. The Herald was waiting for me in my cabin after booking passage on a trans-Atlantic voyage like half an hour after my post. Uh, long story short, I guess everything is going to be okay?

I was expecting to be disintegrated on the spot but instead he just wanted to meet the guy who inspired him to start calling his own 13-year-old son "Dick Hands Tommy". He thought it was hilarious. He said his "pussy rear end" kid was always wasting his time playing videogames and going to drama club at school, and was "turning into a huge disappointment of a man". He said someone turning his fingers into dicks was the best possible lesson he could be taught. He said he took away the kid's computer and punished him for "being such a dumbass and crybaby" and that he just wanted to congratulate me on my ingenious curse.

Honestly I feel really bad for the kid now. I get the feeling the only time Tommy gets to feel powerful is when he's playing Hanzo and in an roundabout way I took that away from him. His dad seems like a real nightmare. I'm glad I'm still corporeal and not spirit-bound to the Time Wheel for a eon and a day, yeah, but I just feel kind of sick about it all. I don't even want to go smoke a bowl after what happened...

Oh, and while this guy did almost all the talking I did manage to stammer out a truly dumbass question: "h-how did you f-find me?" Well, get this, he didn't even have to invoke Goron to do it, he said they have an app that keeps a database of everyone's magical signatures and all he had to do was say "Siri, who turned Tommy's fingers into dicks?" and it pulled up a whole profile on me. I sure as hell never consented to being in any database accessible to magi-tech douchebags. You guys should all check your user settings on your various accounts and turn off data-sharing.

Motherfucker
Jul 16, 2011

I certainly dont have deep-seated issues involving birthdays.

The White Dragon posted:

i fuckin hate anarchomancers, they think sorcery is genetic and wizardry is ivory tower poo poo but actually they just want to take the shortcut to learning true magic without having to have a psychadelic experience and then walking ten thousand miles to find just barely enough enlightenment to learn sage spells

everyone can magic but nobody is willing to put in the effort these days

you know what happens when you Enlighten people who havent contemplated the truth of existence for thousands of hours on end? that's right, you end up with seven billion people tearing off their own faces because they can't handle the wisdom you just piped into their brains. well at least i have some advance warning this time that some stupid jackass is gonna cast a low-level mind merging ritual so i can get the reagants for untangling the psyches of the people living in my domain

OKHAI BHOOMAR

Sorry about your dick, old man.

Outrail
Jan 4, 2009

www.sapphicrobotica.com
:roboluv: :love: :roboluv:

The Bramble posted:

So, I guess I have an update here. The Herald was waiting for me in my cabin after booking passage on a trans-Atlantic voyage like half an hour after my post. Uh, long story short, I guess everything is going to be okay?

I was expecting to be disintegrated on the spot but instead he just wanted to meet the guy who inspired him to start calling his own 13-year-old son "Dick Hands Tommy". He thought it was hilarious. He said his "pussy rear end" kid was always wasting his time playing videogames and going to drama club at school, and was "turning into a huge disappointment of a man". He said someone turning his fingers into dicks was the best possible lesson he could be taught. He said he took away the kid's computer and punished him for "being such a dumbass and crybaby" and that he just wanted to congratulate me on my ingenious curse.

Honestly I feel really bad for the kid now. I get the feeling the only time Tommy gets to feel powerful is when he's playing Hanzo and in an roundabout way I took that away from him. His dad seems like a real nightmare. I'm glad I'm still corporeal and not spirit-bound to the Time Wheel for a eon and a day, yeah, but I just feel kind of sick about it all. I don't even want to go smoke a bowl after what happened...

Oh, and while this guy did almost all the talking I did manage to stammer out a truly dumbass question: "h-how did you f-find me?" Well, get this, he didn't even have to invoke Goron to do it, he said they have an app that keeps a database of everyone's magical signatures and all he had to do was say "Siri, who turned Tommy's fingers into dicks?" and it pulled up a whole profile on me. I sure as hell never consented to being in any database accessible to magi-tech douchebags. You guys should all check your user settings on your various accounts and turn off data-sharing.

I don't see any reason not to chuck him in the trench tbh

Colonel Cancer
Sep 26, 2015

Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon
Arachnomancers are the worst, ugh.

Hihohe
Oct 4, 2008

Fuck you and the sun you live under


Im actually looking for one, My goblin minions need something to ride and big spiders would be nice.

Fur20
Nov 14, 2007

すご▞い!
君は働か░い
フ▙▓ズなんだね!

Motherfucker posted:

OKHAI BHOOMAR

Sorry about your dick, old man.

im pretty young i just couldnt afford a car and walked everywhere back when i was a Mundane. it adds up after a couple years.

but this does present the problem that even though i CAN cast dimension door now, i probably don't WANT to because my magic doesnt get stronger unless i contemplate the mysteries of the universe while walking. at least because im always out on foot it means i never have to re-tread the boundaries of my Territory to renew it once every 616 days

Fur20 fucked around with this message at 01:38 on Jun 12, 2020

Gnarly Sheen
Jun 25, 2015

I'm ITT
The magic missile knows where it is at all times. It knows this because it knows where it isn't, by subtracting where it is, from where it isn't, or where it isn't, from where it is, whichever is greater, it obtains a difference, or deviation. The magic user's wand or 'magical focus' uses deviations in void-magic spatial energies to generate corrective commands to drive the magic missile from a position where it is, to a position where it isn't, and arriving at a position where it wasn't, it now is.. Consequently, the position where it is, is now the position that it wasn't, and it follows that the position where it was, is now the position that it isn't. In the event of the position that it is in is not the position that it wasn't, the system has required a void-spatial variation. The void-spatial variation being the difference between where the magic missile is, and where it wasn't. If the void-spatial variation is considered to be a significant factor, it too, may be corrected by the spell's intrinsic void based framework. However, the magic missile must also know where it was. The magic missile guidance via void-spatial to demon-plane anomaly scenario works as follows: Because a variation has modified some of the information the magic missile's spell framework has obtained, it is not sure just where it is, however it is sure where it isn't, within reason, and it knows where it was. It now subtracts where it should be, from where it wasn't, or vice versa. By differentiating this from the sub-demonic plane grid sum of where it shouldn't be, and where it was, it is able to obtain a simple magical deviation, and a void-spatial variation, which is called magic.

You know, in case anyone was wondering.

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Outrail
Jan 4, 2009

www.sapphicrobotica.com
:roboluv: :love: :roboluv:
Sure thats technically correct but it's a terrible way to explain it for the common person.

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