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redm posted:yo i accidentally summoned nyarlathothep when i was working on a stone sculpture but hes gone now If I went to school witha kid named Nyarlathotep, I'd probably make a hell of a lot of fun of him
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Feb 28, 2019 05:15
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Sort of having a midlife crisis here. I've been an ice mage all my life but after a trip to the tropics I realize I can't stand the cold anymore.
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Feb 28, 2019 05:22
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i'd sooner face a battalion of paladins over a small group of plucky waifs. once children get in conflict against an evil adult causality starts getting wonky and their originally non-existent odds of victory get uncomfortably high. fortunately, this only works if you engage with them over time. without that narrative flow the planar laws don't do much to protect anyone, so disintegration still works fine if used the moment they cross you.
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Feb 28, 2019 05:26
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frogge posted:Sort of having a midlife crisis here. I've been an ice mage all my life but after a trip to the tropics I realize I can't stand the cold anymore. easy. spend a summer in arizona. Its so hot, fire elementals keep you up all night while they have sex.
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Feb 28, 2019 05:27
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MORTALS. AND BITTLE LITCHES. You have spent your pathetic lives poring over books and playing with your wands while I pillaged and ruled with an iron fist. I drank DEEP from the goblet of life while you were trying to summon a girlfriend or whatever it is you losers do. And now I am DEAD in KNIGHTHOOD, a death knight if you will, and can still bench an adolescent dragon. Heck I can even throw fireballs, and I have no idea what they are.
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Feb 28, 2019 05:31
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oh, sweet. you can never have too many lackeys.
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Feb 28, 2019 05:33
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The only thing LACKING is your manhood, magic user. Or womanhood, anyone WORTHY can become KNIGHTED in DEATH.
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Feb 28, 2019 05:35
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Listen dude. im sorry to break this to you but your a Revenent. A lich needed a more powerful minion who had the skill of a hero so he binded your soul to your armor or weapon. Hopefully, a hero can lay you to rest by defeating you in combat. Death knights arnt real. Thats just a lie Liches tell you so you dont question it.
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Feb 28, 2019 05:41
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As an enchanter minor illusion is probably my favourite spell. Sure I can charm random people or creatures but that's risky business, and I have a few damage spells but they're not that efficient and have a long cooldown. Better to pass my days away as a giant tree.
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Feb 28, 2019 05:47
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so, long story short, i binded the spirit of a were-jaguar to my garbage disposal, didn't know of any owlbears in the area, and it just keeps hacking up hairballs. but these are hairballs made of food and reagants so, uh, look i don't know what to call these bezoars but they are just good for causing a mess. any one have a spare soul of a virtuous knight that i can bind to a penny and let nature take its course?
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Feb 28, 2019 05:52
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Colonel Cancer posted:MORTALS. AND BITTLE LITCHES. You have spent your pathetic lives poring over books and playing with your wands while I pillaged and ruled with an iron fist. I drank DEEP from the goblet of life while you were trying to summon a girlfriend or whatever it is you losers do. And now I am DEAD in KNIGHTHOOD, a death knight if you will, and can still bench an adolescent dragon. Heck I can even throw fireballs, and I have no idea what they are. 
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Feb 28, 2019 05:58
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Ok, so I'm in Freeport the other day, checking out shops and just sort of exploring the city. I stroll into the jail and notice a beggar behind bars, no big surprise but then I see the cell isn't even locked! Clearly he's picked it and is awaiting a chance to make his move, and without thinking I cast discordant mind. This was overkill, his brains showered the guards and me and suddenly I'm chased out of the city! Fuckin place, Boomba the big still owes me for that blow we split too.
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Feb 28, 2019 06:05
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Succubi. Astral plane. Pressure. Time to talk about rituals. Everybody has lit some candles and said Bloody Maria three times in a dark bathroom. Most never actually achieve the intended result because honestly speaking, who is going to do the book work required to ensure that Jupiter is in retrograde while mercury suffers total solar eclipse. Even if you do the math we're talking a one half day in seventy six year opportunity. But for the lucky few that do the age old story is that they are immediately disemboweled by the vengeful spirit and it is the extended family that reaps all the benefits of the planar portal nested within the arcane bathroom. Pentagram profferers will often times point to this as the reason for at minimum a basic safety circle but the truth is a summoning ritual has six known points of failure and a circle protects you from only two of them. Astral projectionists and infernal warlocks can skip to the last paragraph since all of this is covered in the magister handbook and if you hadn't read that you'd be a minor imp in the dark pits by now. 1) Visceral Charms: this is when a spirit or otherworldly force makes physical contact of some kind. Pop quiz, does eyesight work via the laws of physics? Then direct line of sight counts as physical contact. 35 peasants die every day because of this loophole and I'd be ashamed to be found communicating with anyone who forgot this. Circle is of course protecting against this. 2) Remote projectiles: This is when the imp gets frustrated you aren't amused by its engorged body parts nor it's hilarious joke about how its uncle was a guard in a half troll death camp. Typically you're looking at a fireball but lightning is not unheard of and during my first summoning I actually tried to dodge as the creature expelled and then lobbed some diseased waste in my direction. The circle of course blocks all of this but I broke the bound and let me tell you my master rightfully left me to contend for my own life in the face of my mistake. Luckily even an imp is easy pickings if you pack the right dagger. 3) Illusions: This is listed first because no magick wielder worth their salt should be impressed by this. Yes the ritual summon can likely transform and yes they will oft transform into such grisly shapes as dying loved ones or irresistible sirens. A prepared mage will know in advance this is merely trickery (also bound within the summon circle) and will refuse to break the pentagram. The ill prepared oft find themselves rushing to the aid of their loved ones and meeting certain doom. If in doubt remember a vengeful summon will often consume every mortal they see prior to being remanded to their original plane and that were your spirit to falter it is certain death to any loved ones. 4) Geological disturbances: you have hit the big leagues and you're bringing around someone who has a bit of credential to their name. You've got a few summons under your belt, you struck your insolent master down in his sleep and now you're plundering his archives for that college project your master never had the balls to actually up and summon. Well, the enchanted castle is now suffering a class 8 earthquake and all the debris is compromising your precious circle. Let's talk strategy. a) structural support, enchantments on the inside of the chamber to keep dust out. One enterprising archeology major implemented a gyroscope just to try and be fancy about this and pick up chicks with the story of how he totally secured his arcanium via entirely mechanical means. He found dubious results at the taverns. b) outside ritual: all the shaking in the world wont break your circle if you are under the open sky. Avoid trees. c) Teleport: again this is from my own experience. I lost my masters library (burned down) but I kept my life. Discretion is the better part of valor. 5) Betrayal: I hate to bring it up but I think with the advancement to organized magical study people are getting ever more inclined toward mass rituals. Here is why this isn't nearly the panacea people treat it as. Okay so you got a creature far more powerful than yourself to manifest. Who has the willpower to control such a creature? If you had such power it wouldn't be necessary to bring aboard a bunch of nobodies for the ritual! Also never rely on the combined willpower of the collective magical body because one guy ALWAYS puppies out and from the moment the group is of uncertain will you're pretty much already pushing rocks in tartarus. 6) Oops we summoned a god. Pretty much self explanatory I think. Protection circles (and of course full pentagrams) were gifted by the divine and thus have no jurisdiction over them. I don't think I need to really talk about what happens when you accidentally stumble into this one except maybe don't even bother shouting 'Wait! I brought you to this world you shall obey ME!', it never works. Edit- cleaned up the grammar a bit, thank goodness this wasn't a casting! reignofevil fucked around with this message at 06:41 on Feb 28, 2019 |
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Feb 28, 2019 06:16
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Speak on, SQUIRE. It is the truth, wizards DROOL.
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Feb 28, 2019 06:19
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Colonel Cancer posted:What's up losers, I'm a ragecaster. The true symbiosis of barbarian rage and arcane power, all in one convenient eldritch package. Want fireball? You got it. Want mighty thews and oversized swords? Got it. Heck I've even got eldritch powers that scare and unnerve, my great grandmother knew a demon. Yeah but your spell progression sucks even worse than me and I spent like eight levels learning Urban Rangery I definitely use Know Direction, Divine Weed, and Detect Police way more than I toss Fireballs I tell you what, classical wizardry just isn't as useful as it was back in the days of kings and mudfarmers Fur20 fucked around with this message at 06:42 on Feb 28, 2019 |
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Feb 28, 2019 06:36
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The White Dragon posted:Yeah but your spell progression sucks even worse than me and I spent like eight levels learning Urban Rangery But, you can get real ANGRY and fireballs just come out. Calm concentration and drawing circles with chalk like a preschooler? gently caress that, get angry, cast Suggestion by screaming at people.
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Feb 28, 2019 06:42
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I hate to involve myself in these pissing contests but magic via screaming? Might as well be a bard.
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Feb 28, 2019 06:45
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alright, looks like i might've fixed the problem. i found an old silver dollar that the second gunman of JFK held and just threw it in there and let the abomination try to chew it up. dollar came back fine, not a scratch on her, but the disposal unit is busted for sure. the bezoars are another problem though, when i went to toss out the bunch it had spewed, the bag started mewing. turns out the were-jaguar had a few buns in the oven. im going to dump them off at the local shelter and say the mom was my neighbors familiar.
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Feb 28, 2019 06:50
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I SUGGEST you STICK THAT WAND UP YOUR ARSE! JUST A SUGGESTION ARGH
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Feb 28, 2019 06:51
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frogge posted:Sort of having a midlife crisis here. I've been an ice mage all my life but after a trip to the tropics I realize I can't stand the cold anymore. Let it go
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Feb 28, 2019 07:38
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Pic of me eating lunch and getting food poisoning
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Feb 28, 2019 07:38
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reignofevil posted:Succubi. Astral plane. Pressure. Time to talk about rituals. Dude I’ve seen candyman. You supposed to do that poo poo with 3 candles and a mirror. When you make eye contact with yourself it creates a fake version of yourself with all the same memories, and summons the whore of Babylon to necromance the real and the fake through sex. Until then it is impossible to tell the real one from the fake one, like you don’t even know.
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Feb 28, 2019 07:51
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Whoa it works! Like, imagine being you’re own dog on a leash, or like two dogs on two leashes, and each one is generally doing the same thing in the same body, but like each of them have subtle variations. Like whoa. 
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Feb 28, 2019 08:42
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Greetings, fellow magi.
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Feb 28, 2019 08:56
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Muscle Wizard posted:Greetings, fellow magi. this is exactly the kind of thing some kind of loving monk would say
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Feb 28, 2019 09:03
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The White Dragon posted:this is exactly the kind of thing some kind of loving monk would say we're all equals as mages here, even if some of us can barely press 100 pounds.
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Feb 28, 2019 09:23
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Are monks wizards? I saw one step from one side of the street to the other and back again in a blink of an eye. That's gotta be magic right? All the fuckin arrow catching too. Pretty sure they are just uppity apprentices who cover up their unenlightened magics with some chai and crystals mumbo jumbo.
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Feb 28, 2019 10:23
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actually i take it back, we are all equals here. monks with the vow of celibacy and such
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Feb 28, 2019 10:26
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Help wizard thread TIFU by polymorphing my friend, he's a druid and I thought he would be able to shapeshift back but he's stuck and super pissed off E: AN OWL JIST TOOK MY FRIEND PLZ HELP
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Feb 28, 2019 12:28
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Another day, another mom and pop reagent outlet closes up. Soon nothing's gonna be left in this town but pubs and hex shops.
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Feb 28, 2019 14:05
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Has anyone seen those ads floating around the Dream Realm for Elemental Armor Spells? Is this legit or some kind of scam? I recently discovered that I've developed a weakness to Ice-based magic due to the side effects of a battle with The Gilded Ones. I'd love to boost my resistance, but my current options are go take some Ice Mage classes, tame an Ice Wyvern and brew a potion from its scales, or pick up some magic resistant armor. I can't really take the time for the classes as I'm deeply involved in some homunculi raising right now, I dunno where the gently caress to find an Ice Wyvern at this time of year, and I've had bad luck in the past with magic resistant armor (I got cursed and had to eventually transfer my consciousness into a new host to escape the cursed armor).
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Feb 28, 2019 14:45
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Nerses IV posted:Help wizard thread TIFU by polymorphing my friend, he's a druid and I thought he would be able to shapeshift back but he's stuck and super pissed off Finding the right owl sounds like a pain, and it might've eaten him already. I'd just go ahead and erase the very idea of owls from reality. That way, your friend was never taken. Never liked owls anyway. They always come back into fashion as familiars every few centuries, and always fall right back out of fashion again when people realize that they're really very, very stupid birds.
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Feb 28, 2019 14:48
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A Fancy Hat posted:Has anyone seen those ads floating around the Dream Realm for Elemental Armor Spells? Is this legit or some kind of scam? go ahead and buy those elemental armor spells, since you already have experience unfucking yourself from armor curses.
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Feb 28, 2019 17:39
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No love for Shaman?
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Feb 28, 2019 17:43
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Fried Watermelon posted:No love for Shaman? You can trip balls all you want but I went to 700 years of magic school for a reason, so don't claim to be a magical expert just because you accidentally reached some higher planes of consciousness and talked to a goat. They're the chiropractors of the magical world, in my humble opinion.
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Feb 28, 2019 17:55
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Sorcerer here. Trying to breed the perfect magical bloodline. I've got draconic blood but the gf has infernal. Am I better off staying with her, or finding someone with fae heritage? Or maybe double up on the dragon for maximum potency?
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Feb 28, 2019 18:20
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Vinny Possum posted:Sorcerer here. Trying to breed the perfect magical bloodline. I've got draconic blood but the gf has infernal. Am I better off staying with her, or finding someone with fae heritage? Or maybe double up on the dragon for maximum potency? there's a substantial element of randomness, no matter the bloodlines of the parents. unless you are trying for a specific mix to sacrifice in a ritual, just screw who you want to screw and do the best you can with the results.
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Feb 28, 2019 19:27
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If establishing a perfect bloodline is your only goal, there's no reason to limit yourself to monogamy. Bring in some fae and draconic partners and then use blood magic to blend their traits into your issue. If your partner isn't the type that prioritizes power over all else though, then you may have to settle for a multi-generational project. It'll take longer and has more points of failure, but producing multiple offspring would build some redundancy into the plan and give your more flexibility. Just make sure you don't try and cut any corners to speed things up by 'keeping the blood pure' or any of that nonsense, since nothing good will come of it.
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Feb 28, 2019 20:50
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By all means spread your genetic line as far as you can. Just tons of young blood itching to find and dethrone you. Great.
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Feb 28, 2019 20:53
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reignofevil posted:By all means spread your genetic line as far as you can. Just tons of young blood itching to find and dethrone you. Great. To be fair, if he's already planning on making his child(ren) perfect instead of himself, then that outcome must have already been considered and either accepted or planned for.
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Feb 28, 2019 20:57
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