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Defiance Industries
Jul 22, 2010

A five-star manufacturer




Pork in the sheets, imo

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ADBOT LOVES YOU

spacetoaster
Feb 10, 2014








ilmucche posted:

Beef in the streets, _______ in the sheets?

A question for the ages.

NAG
Jul 13, 2009



Morbid Hound

Beef Bulletin
- The Streetbeefs YouTube channel now has tiered memberships:
- $2.99 a month earns you access to custom Streetbeefs emojis, including loving renditions of El Diablo and the clipart snake logo.
- For $10 per month, you get a YouTube shoutout every month. Reminder that Scarface charges you $25 per shoutout on Cameo, so this would pay for itself in 2.5 months.
- For $34.99, you get to watch Streetbeefs events live, saving you several minutes having to wait for the uploads.
- Scarface is excited for quarantine restrictions to be lifted in Virginia, so he can host big fighting events with lots of close contact.
- Meanwhile, Scarface is proud to announce he will continue violating executive order 55 by promoting smaller combat events. Perhaps Streetbeefs' noble crime-reducing origins classify the unpaid fighters as volunteers in "organizations that provide charitable or social services", thereby circumventing Governor's orders.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJG6hEKQIcY

staguar
Aug 29, 2004



Scarface's new right hand man in this video has hair that must be seen.

I wonder what kind of poo poo this guy has in his past that will come out, only for Scarface to say it's not a big deal. We've already got child sex trafficking in the past with Mighty Mouse, so it's going to have to be something pretty bad to top that.

Also, Scarface recording a voice mail at the end of the video instead of just talking into a microphone is a perfect distillation of lovely Streetbeefs production values.

coconono
Aug 11, 2004

KISS ME KRIS

like he stole a little kid's wig

DJExile
Jun 27, 2007



coconono posted:

like he stole a little kid's wig

holy poo poo it really is

staguar
Aug 29, 2004


Scarface doesn't have time for your pandemic, so we're live from Satan's Backyard with five new fights.

Chauncey Real (1-1) vs Menace Mike (4-0)
MMA Rules

https://youtu.be/ByaSXiSac4Q

A decent fight between two guys that love to kick. Both fighters gas out pretty badly including one deciding to sit down for 20 seconds or so.

Bad News (4-0) vs Big Dog (0-0)
Boxing rules

https://youtu.be/CW1W_urkLKw

Scarface tells us that this is a rematch from an amateur boxing match these two had in the past. One of the cornermen is a big fan of McRibs. Not much of a fight and we get treated to the sounds of Mrs Scarface's runny nose behind the camera.

Demon Monsoon (9-1) vs Zack(0-0)
Boxing rules Beef Match

https://youtu.be/j_ITBqGuRJM

The YouTube title says his name is Zack, but Scarface introduces him as Hitman Hardman. Apparently they have a beef because Zack called Demon Monsoon retarded.

Zack has about a foot advantage in height and a huge reach advantage, but Demon Monsoon has an old Halloween mask and an intro by a guy on his break from the carnival.

Both guys gas pretty badly, but unlike the first fight they keep throwing punches.

Viking (0-0) vs Weapon X (4-0 MMA 0-0 Boxing)
Boxing rules

https://youtu.be/RVCmgxJOrNo

A cellphone teleports out of the ether and causes Scarface to halt the action 1/2 way through the first round. Between rounds we see that Scarface's buddy has changed his hair to bright pink.

Scarface's wife again shows why it's a bad idea to have several people in the ring as she almost gets run over by the fighters.

The end of the fight has Scarface contradict the "rules" he has had in place for all of the previous fights, but the loser conceded the fight anyway.

Native Warrior (0-0) vs Reckless Riko (0-0)
MMA rules

https://youtu.be/yUy8oN7bG00

Two first time fighters. Not much action here to talk about.


Some would question the safety of having a large group of people traveling from all over to fight in a confined area, but Scarface would probably say that they are internet trolls and that he doesn't read comments anymore. I'm surprised none of the neighbors called the police due to everyone breaking quarantine so that we could get new YouTube videos.

Mugsbaloney
Jul 11, 2012

We prefer your extinction to the loss of our job



Scarface seems kinda irresponsible imo.

coconono
Aug 11, 2004

KISS ME KRIS

Mugsbaloney posted:

Scarface seems kinda irresponsible imo.

lettings randos skull each other in his back yard didn't tip you off?

NAG
Jul 13, 2009



Morbid Hound

Think you can knock out Scarface? Here's your chance.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ag7TXFgE7yo

Ignoring all the asterisks and caveats in this video, knowing Scarface's history with these challenges, the actual fight may be a Triple Threat submission match with Besteban and White Dragon with Scarface offering commentary from his kitchen.

coconono
Aug 11, 2004

KISS ME KRIS

Gettin decked in a West Virginia Walmart parking lot has got to be in someone’s bucket list.

SweetWillyRollbar
Jul 27, 2004

Would an advertising executive
Understand where the homeless live?
Would he know about the bubbles in his glass?
Would the bubbles in his glass
Understand what the man's golf cart is?
Do they know you can die frozen underneath an overpass?


The Wal-Brawl For All

Firechicken
Sep 4, 2019



ilmucche posted:

Firechicken how does scarface feel about you stepping in and making a competitor to his hustle?

I have talked to him, I basically don't advertise in their groups. I don't see it as competition tbh. I mean it's free content.

Firechicken
Sep 4, 2019



NAG posted:

Hey, that's great. What are your plans for Scrapyard Fights? Any particular combat sports you'll be focusing on? Any interesting house rules? Are you going to tape and upload the matches?

Also, apologies for the lack of writeups. I have been overworked. Hopefully things will change soon.

We plan to do varies types of matches, including your normal traditionL matches, but we also will have a beatdown match, which will be one round grapple only, the other standup (boxing or kickboxing) got the idea from bully beatdown.

We will tape, and put them up on my channel I just started.
My channel that I'll be posting OUR fights from.

Please sub to support me. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC2...Ag32eozqAuElfZQ

We have a fb group that's growing constantly.
As soon as everything opens back up again, people want to come out and fight.

Shine
Feb 26, 2007

No Muscles For The Majority


Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Firechicken
Sep 4, 2019



Shine posted:

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

What's funny?

coconono
Aug 11, 2004

KISS ME KRIS

Mighty Mouse is in the woods. with a child. and a woman. what could go wrong

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gGnvhIn05I

Shine
Feb 26, 2007

No Muscles For The Majority


Firechicken posted:

What's funny?

Goons preparing to concuss each other for free as soon as a global pandemic subsides.

Mugsbaloney
Jul 11, 2012

We prefer your extinction to the loss of our job



If someone makes one in the UK I'd be down

Cavauro
Jan 9, 2008



i don't think strong people should fight in yards and the woods because then they will injure each other permanently. In my drat horse poo poo opinion

SweetWillyRollbar
Jul 27, 2004

Would an advertising executive
Understand where the homeless live?
Would he know about the bubbles in his glass?
Would the bubbles in his glass
Understand what the man's golf cart is?
Do they know you can die frozen underneath an overpass?


Cavauro posted:

i don't think strong people should fight in yards and the woods because then they will injure each other permanently. In my drat horse poo poo opinion

Good idea. They should fight a horse instead!

Mugsbaloney
Jul 11, 2012

We prefer your extinction to the loss of our job



SweetWillyRollbar posted:

Good idea. They should fight a horse instead!

I nearly did when I was drunk, but thought better of it. I am very strong

DJExile
Jun 27, 2007



Terry Funk would have 100% kicked that horse's rear end

staguar
Aug 29, 2004


A fun mauling today between Butterfly and Gas Tank

https://youtu.be/2yCkUaUiAo8

I think this is the worst injury in Street Beefs so far. It's a good thing they're still putting these events on when the healthcare infrastructure is struggling. And Scarface might want to watch out, because by her reaction I think his wife is a big fan of Stanley's.

Stanley vs Nate The Great

staguar fucked around with this message at 15:09 on May 24, 2020

spacetoaster
Feb 10, 2014








staguar posted:

A fun mauling today between Butterfly and Gas Tank

https://youtu.be/2yCkUaUiAo8

I think this is the worst injury in Street Beefs so far. It's a good thing they're still putting these events on when the healthcare infrastructure is struggling. And Scarface might want to watch out, because by her reaction I think his wife is a big fan of Stanley's.

Stanley vs Nate The Great

Ouch. You can hear the snap.

Also lol at the woman working the camera lusting after that dude.

staguar
Aug 29, 2004


In a move that shocked noone, Scarface is now shilling a sketchy CBD company and giving gift boxes to winners of fights. I'm sure they'd rather have some of the money he gets from sponsors or YouTube ad revenue, but then he wouldn't be a sketchy backyard fight promoter if he didn't exploit the fighters.

CommunityEdition
May 1, 2009


There are worse pharmaceutical sponsorships he could have gone for, I guess. Still a bit on the nose, given the Streetbeefs backstory...

NAG
Jul 13, 2009



Morbid Hound



Streetbeefs, we're back at you with some fairly fresh matches from sunny Virginia. I'll be covering these over the next few days.

Hard as Stone VS Fire Ant (Boxing)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rx-LsYoioqY

We've seen Hard as Stone a few times before in the yard, administering sand in the eyes of Ginger Ninja and shattering Street Dreamer with a superman punch late last year. Since then he's beaten up some children and lost a title match to Baby Hulk back in February. He enters this match with a 3-1 boxing record. Fire Ant picked up his first win earlier this year by punching out a defenseless bald patch on legs. He dedicates this match to his awesome wife Rebecca, who could not attend.

Scarface starts by pimping his CBD sponsor along with his new directional microphone, which mutes the introductions somewhat. The referee also namedrops the CBD sponsor before starting the match. Fire Ant starts by sizing up his opponent, landing a couple of decent counters on account of Hard as Stone not keeping his guard up. Stone recovers by punching Ant's mouthpiece out and chasing him along the chainlink perimeter for a while.

The rinsing of the mouthpiece seems to cleanse the minds of the fighters, as they return to battle without any desire to fight. Not a single punch is thrown until the round draws to a close, where Stone decides to knock Ant down with a right hook. "I just slipped!" cries Fire Ant, while the crowd argues about the reverse order of Arabic numbers, eventually ending the round.

While tended to in the corner, Fire Ant argues his case, insisting he slipped and wasn't knocked down. Let the record show that nobody counted a knockdown in the first place.

Round two starts, Johnny CBD. The gentlemen engage in a silent battle of squats before Hard as Stone executes a strange evasive manoeuvre and almost knocks his head in the barricade. He saves face by performing a little jig afterwards. In the lull following this display, Stone tries out some telekinesis by waving his fist around in a circle, but it has no effect, so he headbutts the barricade instead. The sun comes out and washes the yard in golden light. Hard as Stone is reinvigorated and starts slugging at Ant, but is unable to put him down before the round ends.

During intermission, a man in the background massages his crotch while Fire Ant pants loudly. Someone tries to squirt water on Hard as Stone, but he manages to escape to the ring.

Stone starts the third round by faceplanting, sending Fire Ant into a rage. The men trade a few blows before separating again. Ant swings so hard at the air that it triggers an inner ear condition in Stone, and he collapses. The referee sends him back into the fight. Fire Ant pummels Stone in the corner as the round ends, but neither man has any strength left.

The match is ruled a draw, with both fighters receiving a win on their record and a prize package of CBD oil. No, I am not joking.


 Bermuda VS Viking (MMA) - Microweight Title Match
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQ9obD-ADMA

Two wiry pale boys are set to duke it out for the big gold. The Viking has a solid 4-0 record with submission wins over The Reaper, Spencer, Spo and the Butcher. Bermuda is another submission fighter with a penchant for the triangle choke. I am not sure when he got the belt but he has the same 4-0 record as his challenger.

On paper, this should be a good match, so naturally they send in referee Big Rob for reverse quality control. One receding hairline and a nose-tap later, the boys clinch up, hips getting acquainted, looking for a takedown. Harmless knees are traded, then Bermuda falls over. The boys lock heads and bask in the sun for a bit while Big Rob lays some serious reiki on a fool. The fighters are ordered to return to their feet and circle around each other for a while, before Viking kicks Bermuda in the rear end, following up with a roundhouse kick to the empty air as the round draws to a close.

The second round improves on the first immediately, with Viking landing a left hook in Bermuda's face, knocking him down. Viking tries to capitalize, but is warded off by Bermuda's spindly legs. The challenger refuses to give up, however, and manages to secure an arm lock, tapping the champion out. The Viking leaves the yard with his opponent's respect, the belt, some complementary gifts from Johnny Apple CBD and a pint glass from some grill.


Space Monkey VS John Slick (Boxing)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_1I6aDyRAs

I love a fat dude boxing but Space Monkey has consistently failed to impress in his previous yardwork. He accumulated his 5-1 record by inducing a heart attacks in decidedly unfit opponents and pushing Pitbull Matthew to the ground, eating his first loss in a narrow decision title match against D last month. Can he finally put in an entertaining effort here against newcomer John Slick?

Monkey enters the match already sweat-soaked and panting, knocking his own his own head into the cold unforgiving steel of the barricade within seconds of the opening bell. After an insulting punch to the face, Space Monkey starts chasing his opponent, who tries to turn his back and de-escalate the situation. Big Rob calls for a timeout for some reason, and Space Monkey is drenched with water in his corner, taking great care not to get any in his eyes. Monkey runs back into action like a freight train, knocking Slick over with his bulk. Monkey lands a right hook in his opponent's ribs and is so surprised at his aptitude that he falls over and has to recover for a moment. Slick continues to turn away instead of defending himself.

Big Rob announces the start of the third and final round, so I guess the first round was shorter than the others? Not sure. Slick keeps wrapping his arm around Monkey's neck and receives a warning. Monkey seems very concerned about his neck. We can speculate that he previously received a severe sunburn in the neck, and his timeout shower session was called to alleviate the problem.

As Space Monkey tries to eat his own mouthpiece, Scarface announces a majority decision in the astral primate's favor. He is rewarded with CBD oil and a photo-op with Big Rob.


Nothing too impressive so far, but the event is far from over. Stay tuned and enjoy your complimentary CBD oil.

NAG
Jul 13, 2009



Morbid Hound

Sam the Dingus VS Deady (MMA)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKDMLgDpWZc

Newcomer and Bob Dylan-looking man Sam the Dingus engages the viewer in some interactive entertainment by recommending that they check out his YouTube channel, but only if he wins. His opponent is Deady, fighting all the way out of the Bronx with a 2-1 record in Satan's Back Yard.

The first round is off to a promising start, with both fighters going on the offensive. After dodging a high kick, Deady goes in with a barrage of hooks, clocking Dingus with a right and turning his legs to jelly. The fight is promptly brought to the ground, with mutual headlocking attempts. Deady hits Dingus in the back of the head a couple of times, earning him a warning from the ref. The men grapple fruitlessly in the grass without securing any proper holds. Deady rounds things off with a couple of hammer blows to Dingus's head. Dingus secures a grip on Deady's foot to ward off the blows, but is forced to let go. The round ends with a showing of mutual respect from the fighters.

Bob Dingus attempts a series of kicks to get the second round started, sadly only connecting with Deady's shin on a fluke and nearly dropping him due to the slippery surface in the yard. Deady goes on the offensive, landing a right hook half in Dingus's guard, rattling him and following up with several hits to the face, driving his opponent up against the barricade. Dingus is forced to clinch, and the men hug it out for a bit, with Dingus visibly hurt. Some half-hearted takedown attempts lead into the fighters trading air kicks before clinching up again. Deady throws a knee into Dingus's midsection, winding him further. This round belonged to Deady.

Dingus enters the third round clearly tired and is quickly driven up against the barricade. He's able to ward off a rushing Deady with a counter kick, buying himself some time to catch his breath. Deady rushes his opponent again, getting caught in a headlock. The men drop to the ground, and Dingus maintains his hold on Deady, punching him in the head for good measure. Deady is able to slide out of the grip, but is caught in another headlock shortly afterwards and stays there until the timer runs out.

The judges ultimately rule this one in Deady's favor, and I think that's fair, even if Dingus arguably won the third round. Not the worst match I've ever seen, sad I won't be able to check out Dingus's YouTube channel now.


Mr Cutthroat VS C Watts (Boxing)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NojNinfrTFI

Cutthroat is fighting out of Illinois and makes sure to give a shoutout to his barber for his sweet fighting 'do, along with a mention of his sister who was murdered by her husband one year ago, and whose face is printed on his T-shirt. That's a tough introduction to follow, and C Watts had loving nothing to say, so I hope Cutthroat destroys this fool. Both men enter the yard today with 0-1 records.

Cutthroat steps in looking for blood but finding only air with his uppercuts until Watts goes in for the clinch. After ducking a left hook from his opponent, Cutthroat follows up with a left-right hook combination. As Watts steps back to ruminate on his situation, Cutthroat chases after him, landing a right cross in his opponent's face and sending him straight into the barricade. Cutthroat proceeds to pummel Watts's midsection until the ref breaks them up. Cutthroat continues scoring points throughout the rest of the round, easily weaving out of Watts's attacks and landing some solid hits in his opponent's face. Just about the only punch Watts lands is a dirty right hook as they're broken up from a clinch.

As the second round starts, Cutthroat goes in hard once again, landing combinations and slugging it out against Watts. Watts trips at one point and struggles to regain his foothold, visibly exhausted. Not much happens for the rest of the round, mainly on account of Watts not being able to hit his opponent, and the match ends in Cutthroats favor, as Watts is unable to step back into the ring for the final round. A pretty entertaining bout.


T VS Ghost (Boxing)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39xiSRG2QRk

Newcomer T takes on Ghost here in another boxing match. Ghost picked up his first win against C Watts a couple of weeks ago, and is the third or fourth fighter named Ghost we've seen in the yard, I've lost count. Anyway, T comes out like an angry bullet and just pummels Ghost relentlessly. Ghost throws his guard up and rides it out until T backs off. T comes back and throws a couple of right hooks right through Ghost's guard. Ghost seems put off his game here and isn't sure how to proceed, landing a combination that leaves his opponent unfazed before waiting the rest of the round out.

Ghost tries to take control early in the second round, with a barrage of punches that are all swallowed up in T's guard. T has Ghost up against the barricade and lands a cross square in Ghost's midsection. This gets the audience fired up, and the spectators begin shouting for more body shots. T refuses and punches Ghost in the head, forcing Ghost to curl up behind his guard, his back seeking the cold embrace of the chain links. Things are looking bleak for the specter until he lands a freak right hook in T's head, knocking a contact lens out, which sends T into a panic and a standing eight count. T agrees to continue fighting but immediately turns his back to his opponent, nearly getting ambushed as the round ends.

While T breaks down in tears over his missing contact lens, Ghost is joined in his corner by a confused man in a grill apron. A match that would have otherwise surely been ruled in T's favor is stopped due to optic malfunction, with Ghost earning his second win in the yard.


Ghost VS Bermuda (Boxing)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWBfnJFxwb4

Ghost got so pumped up by his victory that he decides to take on Bermuda, who decided to put the boxing gloves on after losing his MMA belt to The Viking minutes earlier. The ref checks that all three participants are wearing their mouthpieces and starts the match with a botched plug for Johnny Apple CBD. As the ref waffles on about CBD oil to the audience, the fighters start trading punches, forcing Ghost to withdraw a bit. Ghost busts out some Punch-Out taunts in an attempt to bait his opponent. In response, Bermuda overshoots a right hook and falls over.

"Give 'im a beatdown burrito!" someone screams. Bermuda lands a right hook in Ghost's temple. Ghost tags Bermuda with a right cross, nearly knocking him down. After a flailing display from Bermuda, Ghost lands a solid right hook in his opponent's face, dropping him to the ground. Bermuda staggers to his feet but is unable to pass the ref's sobriety test, and the match is stopped.

A short but entertaining match with action all the way through, with a nice knockdown to round off today's writeup. We got one or more of these posts left to catch up to present day. See y'all tomorrow.

NAG
Jul 13, 2009



Morbid Hound

Mr Cutthroat VS Mechanic (Boxing)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yp6o-3mCA6U

Our main man Mr Cutthroat steps back into the yard to take on ripped newcomer Mechanic. The fighters size each other up for a moment before clashing for a brisk trading of blows. Cutthroat lands a right hook and drives Mechanic up against the fence. Mechanic steps out of the clinch with a three-punch combination, which sends Cutthroat wobbling into the grass. He recover after his eight-count and returns to battle.

After locking up and working Mechanic's ribs for a bit, Cutthroat throws some heavy hooks, all of which are caught in his opponent's guard. After getting grazed in the face by one of Cutthroat's rights, Mechanic retaliates with a flurry of punches, sending Cutthroat into the barricade. Cutthroat is in trouble here, and he knows it, leaning into the clinch for dear life. He hasn't quite given up yet, though, and manages to land a nice left hook with seconds left on the timer. A great first round for Mechanic.

Mechanic requests some extra time during the break to change his shoes, which allows Cutthroat to catch his breath a bit.

The second round starts with some nice back-and-forth action, with each fighter chasing the other. These guys throw some hard punches, putting all their weight behind it, with Mechanic overshooting at one point and nearly falling over. Cutthroat plays it clean and does not take any cheap shots. Cutthroats eats a nasty-looking uppercut, but it's not enough to put him down.

Cutthroat goes on the offensive and manages to pick a few points off his opponent's face before the men lock up again and slam into the barricade. With 30 seconds left on the clock, Cutthroat unleashes combination after combination, tagging Mechanic a few times but without causing much damage. A pretty even round, with both fighters returning to their corners a bit worse for wear.

Mechanic returns for the third round without a wardrobe change. The men share a hug before the bell. Cutthroat goes for the body early on but winds up walking into Mechanic's fist at each attempt. He manages to tag Mechanic with a right hook, earning a series of shots to the ribs in retaliation. Both men emerge visibly tired from the ensuing clinch.

The fighters engage in a brief jumping duel before Cutthroat steps in with a vicious body shot which takes Mechanic down. The ref doesn't seem sure whether to count it as a knockdown and sends Mechanic back into battle after a four-count. Mechanic ducks a sweeping right hook and seeks refuge in the clinch. Cutthroat ducks for a bit too long and eats a left hook for his troubles. The men continue trading blows until the end of the round.

This match is sent off to the "professional judges" for review, and no winner is announced. It was a close one but I would have to give it to Mechanic. While Scarface is reluctant to rule the match a draw, both fighters are presented with CBD prize boxes.

This was honestly a good match, and I recommend watching the whole thing.


Bad News VS Wood (Boxing)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BxPHkTjDeRY

Newcomer Wood takes on Bad News. There's been a couple of different Bad News, nominally and figuratively, in the yard over the years. This incarnation started out earlier this year, as far as I can tell, and has racked up an impressive 5-0 record. Big Rob steps in for refereeing duties, looking like he's walking to the gallows.

Bad News starts up with some good counter-punches, hitting Wood in the face a couple of times. Wood manages to punch straight through News's guard, which gets News's all fired up. Wood takes a hook and a couple of jabs to the face, which sends him stumbling around the yard. Big Rob steps in but surprises everyone by checking Wood's gloves instead of giving him a standing eight. "It's bad news!" hollers someone off screen.

Wood comes back with a barrage of punches, and Bad News doesn't do much in terms of defence, sort of just leaning to the side and staying there. After a while, he decides he's had enough and clocks Wood with a couple of hooks. A bizarre moment follows where both fighters stand perfectly still and Bad News hits Wood in the throat, with his glove seemingly getting stuck there. News follows up with a flurry of punches, connecting a few hooks to his opponent's face. Wood isn't doing a very good job protecting his head and keeps telegraphing his punches way too much. That being said, he survives the first round.

Bad News starts the second round with another glove to Wood's throat. Woods looks exhausted and can hardly connect with anything he throws at his opponent. Bad News uses his offence sparingly, looking for the punch to end the match. He eventually drives Wood up agains the fence and lands a hard right hook to his opponent's temple. Big Rob gives Wood a standing eight five-count. Wood claims he's alright and walks off in the wrong direction. Big Rob starts the fight again.

Bad News lands a hard body shot, folding his opponent in half. This is where Shao Khan would normally say "Finish him", and Bad News goes to kill the incapacitated Wood, landing several hard shots to his head and body. Big Rob watches with vague interest as Wood fights invisible enemies and keeps taking blows to the head. Eventually, the round ends, saving Wood's life. A fairly entertaining but badly refereed match.


Super Beast VS Demon Monsoon (Boxing)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYJJjth1erQ

It's monsoon season, bitches, and Demon celebrates by taking a page out of WWE Kane's playbook and wearing a goofy mask for his introduction, which is actually carried out by a member of Beef staff. Demon dedicates this match to his late father, his brothers and his mother Sandy. Newcomer Super Beast gives a shoutout to his crew in Illinois and shares an inspirational message of love in the face of hate.

Incredibly, Demon Monsoon enters this match with a 12-1 record. He uses a rare slow-motion variation of sumo wrestler Chiyotaikai's face-slapping technique, pushing Beast's face until drawing blood, and earning his opponent a standing eight-count from Big Rob.

Patched up by his cornerman, Super Beast springs back into action, trading blows with the Demon. Demon shakes things up with a couple of Captain Kirk's double-fist hammer punches. The fight devolves into chaos, with Demon hanging unseen laundry in a hurricane until there is an explicable timeout and camera change. Demon finishes up the round with the ancient kung fu technique "newborn baby touches mother's face", much to the audience's delight.

By the start of the second round, Demon Monsoon is so gassed that Super Beast is able to tag him numerous times as he reels around the chainlink fence. Both men appear to be fighting underwater, with each blow just barely reaching its target through the hot air. After patting each other down in the corner for a bit, Big Rob can't stand the carnage anymore and gives Beast another standing eight-count. The onslaught of increasingly large numbers is too much for Beast, and he taps out. Demon breaks down in tears and embraces the referee. What a shitshow.


That's all for tonight. We had a good boxing match, a squash and a Demon Monsoon event, so the quality was steadily decreasing. Let's see if we can end things on a higher note when we cap off this event tomorrow. Peace

ilmucche
Mar 16, 2016

The magnificent story of Dwayt al-Shrood.



NAG posted:


Demon hanging unseen laundry in a hurricane

Demon finishes up the round with the ancient kung fu technique "newborn baby touches mother's face"

Gold

NAG
Jul 13, 2009



Morbid Hound

Time to wrap this one up.

John Slick VS Gorilla (Boxing)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5FIJNZ-vQk

John Slick steps back into the yard for the second time today after his encounter with Space Monkey's sunburnt neck earlier. Not content with losing to a monkey, he decides to take on Gorilla, a self-professed 11-2 veteran of the yard, in an attempt to secure is first win in Satan's back yard.

Gorilla steps in calmly in the first round, working the left jab and sizing up his opponent. Slick baits Gorilla a few times and eventually throws a counter, but rolls a zero for damage. With the somnambulant fury of a sloth, he grabs Gorilla in a headlock and refuses to let go until the referee steps in. The ruse angers Gorilla, and he throws some hard shots at his opponent, driving him up against the barricade and pushing Slick out of the way when he attempts another clinch. Slick does what he does best and grabs the back of Gorilla's head. A boxing ref would have given Slick a warning about grabbing by now, but the ref announces the remaining time instead.

Gorilla works Slick's midsection a couple of times, keeping his opponent on the ropes. Gorilla manages to land a good shot to Slick's ribs, and keeps attacking the body when Slick becomes visibly disheartened. The round end squarely in Gorilla's favor, but he's not known for his stamina and already looks tired.

The second round starts similarly to the first, with Gorilla sending some feelers out with his left before stepping in with a right cross to Slick's face. Slick grabs the back of Gorilla's head as usual, and Gorilla takes out his frustration on his opponent's midsection, working his way up to the head, but with increasingly weak swings. Slick is tired too, what with the heat and this being his second match of the day and all, and is unable to capitalize on his opponent's weakness. The men prance around, hug and uppercut the empty air. With 30 seconds left on the clock, Gorilla drops his guard completely, figuring he might as well rest for a while.

Third round. "Give him the business, Gorilla" shouts a fan from the audience, and Gorilla comes out swinging, landing a couple of hooks before driving Slick into the barricade and giving him the business. Slick looks exasperated and holds his arms out like a pantomime sleepwalker in an attempt to create some distance between himself and his opponent.

Gorilla is putting all his might behind his punches at this point, and Slick keeps skipping backwards to avoid them. Gorilla lands another hard body shot, and Slick is visibly hurt, apparently just trying to survive the round at this point. Gorilla steps in with a slugging left hook and disrobes Slick's head. Slick takes one last shot to the gut, folds like a lawn chair and earns himself a standing eight-count. Slick claims this was a low blow, but the tape shows the glove connecting with his navel, so either he is lying or he was much more excited about this match than his performance let on. Controversy ensues, with the ref willing to give Slick time to recover from his phantom dick trauma, but Slick throws in the towel anyway.

Gorilla is announced the winner, but is not given a box of CBD oil, perhaps as punishment for his crotch-punching ways. Not a good match.


Cap 40 VS Cal (Boxing)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXy2CPbbiHI

This is Cap's third match in the yard, after losing to Gorilla earlier this year and earning a draw-victory when he suffered a deep armbar from Ladd back in January. He's here looking for a decisive victory against newcomer Cap 40.

Big Rob taps his nose so hard the camera teleports away, and both fighters come out swinging. Cap 40 challenges conventional boxing wisdom by keeping his chin up throughout the match, perhaps to get a better look at his opponent, who is about a head taller than he. The men keep slugging at each other throughout the first round, not connecting with much but staying busy. Imagine Frye VS Takayama except both fighters are tying to avoid hitting the other's face.

The second round starts, and the fighters get right back into it, with brief rest periods between intervals of slugging. Cap takes a hard body shot and walks into a right hook, somehow retaining consciousness. Cal starts chasing his opponent around the yard, pummelling his midsection as the round ends.

Cap 40 goes on the offensive at the start of the third round, throwing everything but the kitchen sink at his opponent. It's not enough to put Cal down, however. An audience member muses about his love of McRibs for the fifth or sixth time. Cal isn't able to put much offence in, and this round definitely belongs to Cap 40, who remains aggressive until the very end.

The judges rule this one in Cal's favor, I'm not sure I agree. The hit/miss rate has to be something like 3% here, so who knows. At least it wasn't a boring match.


Slimbo Rice VS Thomas (Boxing)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGw8lvAlUgI

Two newcomers step into the yard this time. Big ups to Slimbo for coming up with the best name of the event. Slimbo eats a right hook early on, no doubt distracted by the huge floating finger behind his head, and the force nearly takes him down. He is able to regain his foothold and put his guard back up. The men throw some hard shots into each other's guards until finally crashing into the fences.

Slimbo takes a left hook to the face, but keeps fighting, eventually unloading a series of hooks into a stationary and guarded opponent. This last move takes the wind out of Slimbo, and he backs off on his own initiative. Thomas goes in for the kill and dishes out some pretty nasty punishment on Slimbo's head, but is unable to put his opponent down before the bell.

A ghostly apparition looms over Slimbo's back as the second round commences. Ruminating over my empty whiskey glass, I realize we need a ghost hunters/streetbeefs crossover. Slimbo does a better job dodging Thomas's attacks this time around, but doesn't get much offence in. When he finally does try, he falls right back into another one of Thomas's traps, and tires himself out punching his opponent's gloves.

Slimbo enters the third round red in the face, panting and with his hair clinging to his sweaty brow. But can Thomas put a decisive end to this match? Thomas opens his mouth as if to answer this question, but only vomit comes out. Scarface informs us beef rules mandate a standing eight for puking, which I think is a new rule. Slightly rested and several grams lighter, Thomas comes back swinging, looking to finish Slimbo once and for all. Slimbo fights on unsteady legs, but doesn't go down, despite being handed some serious blows to the ribs and face.

The match is ruled a draw, and both fighters receive their prize boxes from Johnny Apple. Supposedly CBD can alleviate nausea, so this was a timely reward for poor Thomas, who in fairness should have won this one.


And that's it! A mostly mediocre event, with Cutthroat VS Mechanic being the clear highlight. Scarface has been posting some interviews and beef bulletins since this event took place, so I'll try to find if there's any valuable information there and relay it in this thread.

DJExile
Jun 27, 2007



Bless you for these write-ups, they've been great

staguar
Aug 29, 2004


Big Rob is so unbelievably bad at reffing a fight. I can only assume he's Mrs Scarface's shiftless brother who they let participate because it's the only way to get him off of their couch that he's sleeping on after that son of a bitch at the factory got him fired. But he swears he'll get his own place once he gets back on his feet.

DJExile
Jun 27, 2007



His band is totally gonna make it! You'll see!

NAG
Jul 13, 2009



Morbid Hound

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bbwLFAZH85U

Beef Bulletin:
• Scarface apologises for his poor scheduling skills, which apparently resulted in several announced fighters not showing up to the last event.
• New reinforced cage is going to be supplied by a professional company in exchange for gratuitous advertising. In-cage grafitti will be redone. Scarface assures us the cage will be true to Streetbeefs's roots and retain the backyard feel.
• Scarface owns the MMA ring in Neutral Corner Boxing.
• The existing backyard ring has a perfect record of not harming anyone.
• Jens Pulver will return to the yard at some point in July, with several fighters in tow.
• Another surprise guest is coming, pretty big name. Please note that this is me paraphrasing Scarface and I don't have any beef scoops.
• A dozen or so fights are scheduled for July 4th: Great Beefs of Fire.
• Major event coming on July 11th, featuring the following title matches:
Leonidis © VS Knuckles
Venom Black © VS King
Country Hoodlum © VS Iraqi Assassin
Gorilla © VS Mystery Opponent
+ 3 other, lesser title matches, participants TBC.
• Scarface pimps something called "Backyard Bangers" at the end but there's no way I'm adding that to my search history.

overmind2000
Nov 6, 2007

I'm an alien.



NAG posted:

• Another surprise guest is coming, pretty big name. Please note that this is me paraphrasing Scarface and I don't have any beef scoops.

Dan Quinn comes to Satan's Backyard with a case of stevia-laced CBD oil and renders Scarface unconscious with his blazing hand speed, oh no poo poo Ross Clifton

DJExile
Jun 27, 2007



GREAT BEEFS OF FIRE HELL YES

Mugsbaloney
Jul 11, 2012

We prefer your extinction to the loss of our job



Excellent writeups, really enjoyed these.

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staguar
Aug 29, 2004


I think Backyard Bangers is another fight group out west that they're affiliated with.

Or it's a gonzo porn site starring Scarface, Mighty Mouse and the local talent.

Please be the first.

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