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Wizard Master
Mar 25, 2008


The birds, the trees, the rolling hills
Have given way to paper mills
It's sad to see such awful waste
That appears to happen with hurried haste

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CountFosco
Jan 9, 2012

Welcome back to the Liturgigoon thread, friend.


I think you can find a more effective way to convey the emotion of sadness at the sense of waste than just "It's sad to see such awful waste." Maybe you could use that line to give a vivid description of what the waste is, to perhaps indirectly impart in the reader a sense of sadness, such that they arrive at the conclusion of sadness on their own? Also, I'm not sure that you need to tell us that it "appears" to happen with hurried haste. It might be stronger, punchier to trim that and just say something like "That happens with such hurried haste".

Forgive me if you weren't seeking advice our constructive criticism. The poetry thread is locked, so I suspected that that might be what you were looking for?

lllllllllllllllllll
Feb 28, 2010

Now the scene's lighting is perfect!


I like it.

But the last line should probably lose two syllables so every line has eight of them (as in, maybe, "that spread and splayed with hurried haste"). Just a thought.

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