ITT We're marketing for a major bank

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > ITT We're marketing for a major bank

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

"Just put some poo poo about how we never charge any fees, literally ever! Also mention how we're so different from all those OTHER banks. Now where's my caramel machhiato?" :v:

# ? Mar 14, 2019 14:51

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 23, 2024 09:15

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

_{_{_{Offers do not apply if you're poor.}}}

# ? Mar 14, 2019 14:52

maker: Jun 1, 2010; by Nyc_Tattoo

bank with us or we'll fail and destroy your economy!

# ? Mar 14, 2019 14:55

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

Let's make our banks look like a warehouse, that's big these days right?

# ? Mar 14, 2019 14:57

Mr.Radar: Nov 5, 2005; You guys aren't going to believe this, but that guy is our games teacher.

Industry-leading interest rates*

_{_{*0.005% APY on savings, 6% on mortgages}}

# ? Mar 14, 2019 14:58

Rutibex: Sep 9, 2001; by Fluffdaddy

marketing? why bother I'm a bank. if I need more money I'll just create some complex math formula that creates interest out of nothing

# ? Mar 14, 2019 15:05

central dogma: Feb 25, 2012; Come to the Undead Settlement in the next 20 mins if u want an ash kicking

*is FDIC insured

# ? Mar 14, 2019 15:10

imandyyo: Mar 19, 2012

Come bank with us and we�ll give you $200* Now without forcing bogus accounts on you to pay our employees.

*must have direct deposit and a balance of $10,000

# ? Mar 14, 2019 15:17

Oodles: Oct 31, 2005

Let us look after your money.

# ? Mar 14, 2019 15:19

Noblesse Obliged: Apr 7, 2012

Jesus meant ursery is a sin so no bear markets now!

# ? Mar 14, 2019 15:20

A Fancy Hat: Nov 18, 2016; Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Hi.

I'm Randy Blahvart, CEO of Banktrust. We know you have a choice when it comes to banks, and we want you to choose us. Why?

Because we're the big bank with the small town feel. Do you want to cash a check that has both your and your partner's name on it? And you don't share an account? At other banks, they'll make this a nightmare, forcing you to get a new check. And we all know - it's your money, you deserve it now.

At Banktrust, we'll merely shame you for not having a shared account with us, force you to drive back home, pick up your partner, then drive back here. At that point, a new teller will claim you never needed to do that, prompting their manager to get involved and say that actually you do, and that both of you now need to show IDs. Oh, the check is an insurance check and desperately needed to afford repairs to your house? Even better, we'll jerk you around a bit more and claim that you need the insurance company to issue you a new check under your name, since only you have an account with us.

When you claim you've deposited similar checks in the past by both endorsing the check, we'll get angry at you for doing that. When your partner proves who they are and even says "It's fine that I don't share that account, please just deposit the check." we'll get extremely angry and claim that this is a one-time issue that we can never do again. We'll also write your name down on a piece of paper, forever marking you as a "problem customer." There will then be a 3 day hold on that money, unless you want to pay a $50 fee to get it immediately. After all, it's just your money.

Banktrust - the big time bank with a small town feel. Around here, everybody's family. And we loving hate our family.

# ? Mar 14, 2019 15:29

The Bananana: May 21, 2008; This is a metaphor, a Christian allegory. The fact that I have to explain to you that Jesus is the Warthog, and the Banana is drepanocytosis is just embarrassing for you.

A Fancy Hat posted:

Hi.

I'm Randy Blahvart, CEO of Banktrust. We know you have a choice when it comes to banks, and we want you to choose us. Why?

Because we're the big bank with the small town feel. Do you want to cash a check that has both your and your partner's name on it? And you don't share an account? At other banks, they'll make this a nightmare, forcing you to get a new check. And we all know - it's your money, you deserve it now.

At Banktrust, we'll merely shame you for not having a shared account with us, force you to drive back home, pick up your partner, then drive back here. At that point, a new teller will claim you never needed to do that, prompting their manager to get involved and say that actually you do, and that both of you now need to show IDs. Oh, the check is an insurance check and desperately needed to afford repairs to your house? Even better, we'll jerk you around a bit more and claim that you need the insurance company to issue you a new check under your name, since only you have an account with us.

When you claim you've deposited similar checks in the past by both endorsing the check, we'll get angry at you for doing that. When your partner proves who they are and even says "It's fine that I don't share that account, please just deposit the check." we'll get extremely angry and claim that this is a one-time issue that we can never do again. We'll also write your name down on a piece of paper, forever marking you as a "problem customer." There will then be a 3 day hold on that money, unless you want to pay a $50 fee to get it immediately. After all, it's just your money.

Banktrust - the big time bank with a small town feel. Around here, everybody's family. And we loving hate our family.

*old timey reel stops, lights come up*

And we fade out, and bring up the Banktrust logo.

Voila, there's our superbowl commercial!

# ? Mar 14, 2019 15:37

A CRAB IRL: May 6, 2009; If you're looking for me, you better check under the sea

*head of marketing hears commissioned plinky-plonky glockenspiel and ukulele music with someone whistling*

GUYS PUT THIS IN ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING FOR THE NEXT SIX YEARS

# ? Mar 14, 2019 15:40

Blurry Gray Thing: Jun 3, 2009

I think we need a quirky, sassy social media account.

"Those feels when you see those reward points rack up #MakingBank"

# ? Mar 14, 2019 15:45

HugeGrossBurrito: Mar 20, 2018

* chooses nfl player to be face of all advertising*
* nfl player beats wife*

# ? Mar 14, 2019 15:49

Bonzo: Mar 11, 2004; Just like Mama used to make it!

Introducing BANKR.

No more pesky passwords or pesky security questions. Just click "Log in with Facebook" and access your money from anywhere in the world!!

# ? Mar 14, 2019 15:51

SLICK GOKU BABY: Jun 12, 2001; Hey Hey Let's Go! 喧嘩する
大切な物を protect my balls

Alright, so we are going to advertise that we don't charge any fees ever. Awesome.

Okay... now how much should we charge our customers for not holding a minimum $1,500 balance all month?

# ? Mar 14, 2019 15:55

Blurry Gray Thing: Jun 3, 2009

Introducing our brand new Gamer Account. Mention us five times on your Twitch stream every month to wave that month's fee!

# ? Mar 14, 2019 15:57

big nipples big life: May 12, 2014

*wakes up, opens coffin*

# ? Mar 14, 2019 15:58

gleebster: Dec 16, 2006; Only a howler; Pillbug

Open an account with us, or just use the one we already opened in your name!

# ? Mar 14, 2019 15:59

Skeleton Ape: Dec 21, 2008

I've used a credit union ever since I was a poor student because the required minimum checking balance was $5 and they didn't charge any fees. I can't imagine living somewhere where big banks are your only option, that sucks and I would have died.

# ? Mar 14, 2019 16:02

Captain Beans: Aug 5, 2004; Whar be the beans?; Hair Elf

Does Capital One still have commercials where it shows their �redesigned� bank branches that are trying extremely hard to be a Starbucks - Applestore mashup?

�Come to our cool bank lounges and just hang out, get some coffee, fart around on the WiFi on a couch. You know like cool people do. We are a cool bank.�

You could run a marketing agency for the next 20 years by only pitching the single idea of �turn X into a hangout spot, like Starbucks�. So props to the coked up marketing people who sold such an idiot idea to a bunch of totally out of touch bank execs, I�m sure they made a ton of money off it.

# ? Mar 14, 2019 16:05

Blurry Gray Thing: Jun 3, 2009

That scene from the Terminator with the robot walking on a mountain of skulls, but instead of hunting for humans to kill, he's going to our bank to make a deposit.

# ? Mar 14, 2019 16:05

OXBALLS DOT COM: Sep 11, 2005; by FactsAreUseless; Young Orc

A Fancy Hat posted:

Hi.

I'm Randy Blahvart, CEO of Banktrust. We know you have a choice when it comes to banks, and we want you to choose us. Why?

Because we're the big bank with the small town feel. Do you want to cash a check that has both your and your partner's name on it? And you don't share an account? At other banks, they'll make this a nightmare, forcing you to get a new check. And we all know - it's your money, you deserve it now.

At Banktrust, we'll merely shame you for not having a shared account with us, force you to drive back home, pick up your partner, then drive back here. At that point, a new teller will claim you never needed to do that, prompting their manager to get involved and say that actually you do, and that both of you now need to show IDs. Oh, the check is an insurance check and desperately needed to afford repairs to your house? Even better, we'll jerk you around a bit more and claim that you need the insurance company to issue you a new check under your name, since only you have an account with us.

When you claim you've deposited similar checks in the past by both endorsing the check, we'll get angry at you for doing that. When your partner proves who they are and even says "It's fine that I don't share that account, please just deposit the check." we'll get extremely angry and claim that this is a one-time issue that we can never do again. We'll also write your name down on a piece of paper, forever marking you as a "problem customer." There will then be a 3 day hold on that money, unless you want to pay a $50 fee to get it immediately. After all, it's just your money.

Banktrust - the big time bank with a small town feel. Around here, everybody's family. And we loving hate our family.

Name the bank

# ? Mar 14, 2019 16:10

Blurry Gray Thing: Jun 3, 2009

POINTS. BANK POINTS.

*Pictures of happy people at famous international landmarks, people climbing mountains, hiking in the woods, surfing, eating in fancy restaurants. They scroll by faster and faster*

THIS IS ONLY POSSIBLE WITH BANK POINTS.

# ? Mar 14, 2019 16:12

OXBALLS DOT COM: Sep 11, 2005; by FactsAreUseless; Young Orc

Blurry Gray Thing posted:

POINTS. BANK POINTS.

*Pictures of happy people at famous international landmarks, people climbing mountains, hiking in the woods, surfing, eating in fancy restaurants. They scroll by faster and faster*

THIS IS ONLY POSSIBLE WITH BANK POINTS.

Actual thing: like 40% more points thsn it would cost on amazon
Bank branded chinese earbuds: 30,000 points
$5 Amazon gift card: 25,000
Trip to Aruba: 5,000,000,000 points

You get 3.6 points for every 7 dollars you spend using your debit card

# ? Mar 14, 2019 16:15

Bonzo: Mar 11, 2004; Just like Mama used to make it!

A punch card. Your 10th overdraft is fee free!

# ? Mar 14, 2019 16:21

A Fancy Hat: Nov 18, 2016; Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

OXBALLS DOT COM posted:

Name the bank

PNC.

This is also a simplified version of the real story. The first insurance check was returned to us in the mail after I had a teller deposit it. She told me that I just needed to endorse it, even though my wife and I both had our names on it. Got the check back and went in person, they said we both needed to sign it and we were fine. We both signed, check got deposited, no issues.

2nd insurance check comes once the work is completed on the house. "Okay cool, I'll do the exact same thing that worked last time and we'll both endorse this." I head into the bank with the doubly endorsed check just to be safe, then my commercial happens.

The first check was for almost 20 thousand dollars (we had a massive tree fall on our house and do a huge amount of damage), the second check was for 2 thousand. For some reason they really didn't want us to deposit that last 2 thousand dollars.

# ? Mar 14, 2019 16:25

a peck of pickled peckers: Aug 3, 2014; I am your Redeemer! It is by my hand that you arise from the ashes of this world!

That�s right! It�s called a NINJA Loan! No Income, No Job and No Assets! Literally anyone can own a home! Step right on up!

# ? Mar 14, 2019 16:26

Blurry Gray Thing: Jun 3, 2009

We pan over a black and gray city, full of dull, faceless people eating dull, brandless food, ~~carrying briefcases and~~ moving in lockstep in orderly lines.

But our bank is in color and there are cartoon birds singing as a happy bank employee gives a young girl a lollipop and signs her up for her first checking and savings account.

"Banktrust: We care."

Note: got rid of the briefcases, for some strange reason the first draft had 34% of our focus group identify The Boring Conformists as 'bankers'.

# ? Mar 14, 2019 16:32

A Fancy Hat: Nov 18, 2016; Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

@Banktrust: #NoFees For Overdrafts. We got you, fam, we know how student loans can be. Simply deposit the negative account balance within 24 hours or face a $5 overspend penalty. We're changing the face of banking.

@Banktrust: Short on $$$ before payday? Talk to us about a "money advance"! For every 10 dollars you borrow, just repay an additional 5 dollars within a month. We're calling it "flexible banking" and we think you're gonna love it. #ChangingBankingForever

@Banktrust: Unexpected emergency? Need to use an ATM we don't own? It's cool - just pay a 12% "roaming charge" and we'll get you your money. So go get some brunch with your buddies - we got you covered. #ANewWayToBank

# ? Mar 14, 2019 16:34

Hemingway To Go!: Nov 10, 2008; im stupider then dog shit, i dont give a shit, and i dont give a fuck, and i will never shut the fuck up, and i'll always Respect my enemys.
- ernest hemingway

Make it a thirty second lovely WACKY COMEDY with horrible cgi characters and then show our logo with a inane jingle and say absolutely nothing about the service or anything

# ? Mar 14, 2019 16:37

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

Captain Beans posted:

Does Capital One still have commercials where it shows their �redesigned� bank branches that are trying extremely hard to be a Starbucks - Applestore mashup?

�Come to our cool bank lounges and just hang out, get some coffee, fart around on the WiFi on a couch. You know like cool people do. We are a cool bank.�

You could run a marketing agency for the next 20 years by only pitching the single idea of �turn X into a hangout spot, like Starbucks�. So props to the coked up marketing people who sold such an idiot idea to a bunch of totally out of touch bank execs, I�m sure they made a ton of money off it.

Quite literally the reason I posted this thread, also I posted a picture of one

# ? Mar 14, 2019 16:47

Blurry Gray Thing: Jun 3, 2009

*Thirty second close-up of inhumanly sharp teeth chewing, chewing, chewing, ripping through raw, bloody flesh, crunching bone, sucking marrow*

drat it, woops, sorry, that's a home video, I must've gotten the files mixed up.

# ? Mar 14, 2019 16:49

Skeleton Ape: Dec 21, 2008

Clamps McGraw posted:

*head of marketing hears commissioned plinky-plonky glockenspiel and ukulele music with someone whistling*

GUYS PUT THIS IN ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING FOR THE NEXT SIX YEARS

Don't forget the perky female voiceover who does that thing 25-year-olds do where they're scared to pronounce the short 'a' sound so apple sounds more like "epple"

# ? Mar 14, 2019 16:59

a peck of pickled peckers: Aug 3, 2014; I am your Redeemer! It is by my hand that you arise from the ashes of this world!

Blurry Gray Thing posted:

*Thirty second close-up of inhumanly sharp teeth chewing, chewing, chewing, ripping through raw, bloody flesh, crunching bone, sucking marrow*

drat it, woops, sorry, that's a home video, I must've gotten the files mixed up.

I�m into Murders and Executions, mostly.

# ? Mar 14, 2019 17:00

CJacobs: Apr 17, 2011; Reach for the moon!

*Buys sponsored timeline ad space on Twitter mobile so people being annoyed by giant screen-sized walls of text know we're definitely trustworthy and should be paid attention to*

# ? Mar 14, 2019 17:09

Zeluth: May 12, 2001; by Fluffdaddy

Yeah, I could loan you money, but what are you going to do for me?

# ? Mar 14, 2019 17:11

CJacobs: Apr 17, 2011; Reach for the moon!

And don't worry, unlike all those other banks, your data is safe with us! *sells your data and doesn't let you opt-out unless you call a really deeply buried 800 number unrelated to the bank once every two weeks to continually confirm that you do not want this to happen*

My bank does that

# ? Mar 14, 2019 17:11

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 23, 2024 09:15

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

e: wrong thread :downs:

bradzilla fucked around with this message at 17:32 on Mar 14, 2019

# ? Mar 14, 2019 17:12

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