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Jim starts practicing his golf game in the office, like how famous executives do on TV. Unfortunately, since Jim believes putters are "for babies," he spends the day whacking balls through windows, whacking balls through walls, and whacking balls at all of his coworkers. As Dwight gets up to ask him to stop, Jim whacks Dwight in his balls with a nine iron.
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Jan 30, 2023 18:41
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Dwight is working at his computer when Jim asks a question out of nowhere. "Hey, balloon boy, did you know the horned lizard can squirt blood out of its eyes as a defense mechanism?" asks Jim. Dwight looks up to answer, but the moment the two make eye contact, Jim squirts twin streams of blood out of his eyes directly into Dwight's eyes. Dwight screams and falls backwards out of his chair. Jim smirks and squirts blood playfully at the camera. Dwight is later diagnosed with "eyeball hepatitis."
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Jan 30, 2023 19:22
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All of Dunder Mifflin is hooked by a new retro-styled role playing video game called Twinkling Grade Push R. "It's Japanese, I think," Oscar explains, "at least I think it is. Apparently when you beat it the true meaning of the title is revealed, but nobody's even come close yet!" Dwight decides to join the fun, deciding to create a fire mage and set forth on a journey to free the Kingdom of Oot and avenge the brutal murder of Queen Amythla. Although the game is simple, it quickly becomes addicting, and Dwight sees why so many people in the office are spending their free time playing. As Dwight's mage levels up, he explores further and discovers hidden worlds within worlds. Dwight asks Oscar if he's made it to the Crystal Tower of Quantum Entanglement and Oscar sadly admits that he kind of lost interest "when I kept losing to the bearded dragon of Enfarrrrg". Dwight offers to help him beat that part, but Oscar says it's fine, he's moved on. In fact, as Dwight continues to grow in the game, the rest of the office gives up on playing. The game is just too challenging, too vast, and too obtuse at times. But Dwight becomes full enthralled by the game. After 6 months of playing, Dwight's level 99 Fire Lord has the Armor of the Highest Gods, a Blade of The Fell King, the Holy Shield of Healing, and even the mighty Jester's Cape, which allows the wearer to dodge 50% of all attacks. Dwight's character climbs the pixelated heights of Mount Skull on approach to the Kingdom of Loathing. He battles through hordes of undead warriors which would easily fell any other player. But not Dwight, Dwight's hundreds of hours of playing have forged a God among digital men, able to cleave through the most powerful foes with ease. He solves each puzzle inside the Death Lord's castle, eventually reaching the throne room and challenging the Death Lord, root of all evil in the world, to a battle. The battle is long and challenging, even as powerful as Dwight's character has become. Dwight swiftly dodges one-hit kills, heals regularly, and slowly whittles down the intimidating amount of hit points held by the demonic final boss. After a 4 hour long battle, Dwight sees the light at the end of the tunnel. He activates his ultimate move, calling upon the allies he's acquired throughout the game. Dwight wipes away a tear as Prince Diamant, former rival, plunges his rapier into the heart of the Death Lord before winking at Dwight's Fire Lord and telling him to finish the job. The Fire Lord jumps into the sky and brings down his mighty blade directly upon the Death Lord, beheading him and ending his threat once and for all. Dwight lets out a gasp of relief, finally he will learn the secret of Twinkling Grade Push R. He has a theory, of course. When he passed through the sleepy town of Cheep he noticed a lone statue outside the graveyard where the dedication had been rubbed away over time. As Dwight's quest continued he learned of the ancient First Warrior, a great hero that had been lost to time. Dwight thinks it's all related, and that perhaps this mighty hero might even have been corrupted to become the Death Lord. The screen flashes and then turns white as 3d letters begin to fly onto the screen, eventually spelling out "TWINKLING GRADE PUSH R". The letters begin to rearrange themselves as the white screen fades, revealing a mugging face behind the letters. The letters finally finish their wicked dance and have a new, terrible phrase. PRANKING DWIGHT RULES Jim's mugging face, pixelated but still recognizable, mugs for Dwight. The game then shuts off and erases itself, along with the hundreds of hours of work Dwight put into the quest. While Dwight sits there in shock, a rocket powered boxing glove shoots out of the computer screen and hits Dwight directly in the balls.
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Jan 30, 2023 20:00
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Jim uses an AI to construct his next prank, but Dwight immediately realizes something is amiss when Jim shows up to work with 11 fingers on one hand and 3 rows of teeth.
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Jan 30, 2023 20:41
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Jim begins kicking Dwight's children, after discovering they originated from Dwight's balls.
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Jan 30, 2023 21:11
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FunkyAl posted:Jim begins kicking Dwight's children, after discovering they originated from Dwight's balls. the children are with Pam, who Jim sent to get impregnated by Dwight in a multi-year meta-prank that lead up to the kicking
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Jan 30, 2023 21:13
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naem posted:the children are with Pam, who Jim sent to get impregnated by Dwight in a multi-year meta-prank that lead up to the kicking Jim discovers that his son, Phillip, and Dwight's son, Phillip, are actually just one child.
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Jan 30, 2023 21:27
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Dwight, while surfing YouTube for a few moments in the bathroom (his own private bathroom in his house, having years ago abandoned the concept of ever using the office bathroom), finds a video with his own face and animated teardrops at the corner of his eyes, titled "UNAMERICAN BEET FARMER DESTROYED WITH FACTS AND LOGIC!!" The video itself is just a short clip of Jim punching Dwight in the balls. Gloomslub, an inter-dimensional alien watching this study of human "pranks" turns to his friend Slarglahood, confused. "This isn't really a prank. And even if it were, it seems vaguely derivative of earlier pranks. I swear I've seen this before, interspersed with other pranks, but disguised as your own." The Planetary Counsel of Pranks judges this harshly, and considers sending a fleet of destroyers to Earth.
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Jan 30, 2023 22:20
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After a particularly egregious whack to the balls, Dwight comes into work in a wheelchair, claiming his testicles are too swollen to walk. Jim screams "Nut tap!" and whacks Dwight in his left ball, sending him backwards, out the door, and down the stairs. "Worth it," Jim smirks, as he is escorted away by police. Jim nut taps every new person he meets after that, the officers, his cell mates, his lawyer, the judge and jury, Dwight again, the bailiff, and eventually a particularly disturbed inmate at Scranton Maximum Security Prison, who retaliates in a way we don't need to get into. FunkyAl fucked around with this message at 00:44 on Jan 31, 2023 |
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Jan 31, 2023 00:41
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Jim keeps adding fictitious entries to the Lost Media wiki so that Dwight becomes increasingly nostalgic for what might have been.
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Jan 31, 2023 01:33
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Jim hires actor Jared Leto to go to work in his place. Unfortunately for Leto, his dedication to method acting leads him to try and capture Jim's twisted psyche. The mental strain proves to be too much and Leto doesn't even make it to lunch before he's involuntarily committed to Ravensbeak asylum.
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Jan 31, 2023 01:44
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Jim slaps Dwight so hard that he travels back in time to when Jim kicked Dwight so hard in the balls that he passes out. When Dwight regains consciousness, he gets slapped so hard that he again travels back in time to when Jim kicked him so hard in the balls that he passes out. When Dwight regains consciousness, before his conscious mind can comprehend that the rest of his life he will only know unspeakable agony of getting kicked in the balls and slapped in the face so hard he travels back in time and his only reason for living is to provide amusement to a cruel and smug god, he gets slapped in the face so hard that he again travels back in time to when Jim kicks him so hard in the balls that Dwight throws up and falls over, unconscious
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Jan 31, 2023 05:00
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Jim slaps spoons against his knee and plays music for the office hoe-down, with Kevin on jug and creed on the fiddle.
FunkyAl fucked around with this message at 08:53 on Jan 31, 2023 |
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Jan 31, 2023 07:49
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JIm replaces all of Dwight's fingers with Famous Jim's Extra Crispy Chicken Drumsticks. As with all of Famous Jim's Chicken, it's mostly raw, and Dwight suffers a horrible infection as a result. Shaking and vomiting in his hospital bed, Dwight's fatty, rotting fingers have meat falling off the bone. "I've heard of choking your chicken, but JOKING your ch---" Jim's mugging is interrupted by Dwight's projectile diarrhea blasting across the room and plastering the window behind him. "Just to let everyone know, Dwight's condition is NOT a result of EATING chicken from Famous Jim's. So, bring the whole family down for our Famous Jim Bucket Box Bundle. $39 for the whole bird, deep fried, the whole thing. Beak, blood, feathers. Just toss the whole thing in the fryer. You should see them just flapping around in there. I sometimes wonder if they're even aware of what's happening to them. One moment, they're alive, everything is fine, they're just in a 55-gallon drum with 20 other chickens, and then someone just comes along and grabs them by the neck and their whole world is wide open and free, and before they even know what's happening, when they thought they were free and safe, suddenly you've got some guy throwing them into boiling oil and they've got no idea what the hell that is or why it's happening. Do they even know they're going to die?" JIm got really quiet for a moment, and stopped smiling and looked at Dwight having fits in the room.
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Jan 31, 2023 09:32
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The open salesman position hadn't seen any applicants in almost 4 months, so we were getting desperate. That's when, finally, we got a bite. His name was James Halpert, Jim to his friends, and he had recently been laid off from a competing paper company called Dunder Mifflin. I remember after he interviewed, my boss asked if Jim would be a good fit for Prantle and Barnes Paper Company. God forgive me, I said he would be. At first, I was overjoyed to have another salesman working next to me. I'd been extremely overworked, so anyone at all to help shoulder the burden was welcome. And Jim, to his credit, seemed perfectly normal at first. "Hey there, Peter! I'm stepping out to get some lunch. Can I grab you anything?" I was actually extremely busy and Jim seemed eager to please, so I slipped him a 20 dollar bill and asked him to get me whatever he was getting. "Sure thing! I'll be right back." An hour and a half later, Jim showed up. He'd obviously been running around and sweat had soaked through his shirt. He was red faced and panting, and I asked if everything was okay. He smiled and said he got "a little lost", since he was new to the area. Then he set a cardboard box, soaked with grease, in front of me. "It's from Famous Original Jim's. You know, the really good pizza place." I hadn't heard of it before (I'd find out the horrible truth later) but I was always interested in a good pizza, so I opened the box. A terrible smell wafted into my face, but I simply smiled and thanked Jim. "There was no change, by the way. This is the 20 dollar special. It costs exactly 20 dollars. Pretty crazy you gave me that much money, huh?" Jim began shoving the disgusting smelling pizza in his face while smiling and laughing, and I began to worry that perhaps my new fellow employee was not everything he seemed. His eyes seemed to gleam with some kind of hidden insanity, like a pile of human bones at the bottom of a well. A few weeks later Jim came into work late and our boss took him aside into his office. Besides the tardiness, Jim had also been slacking a bit at work. He'd been caught napping in the break room a few times and once hung up the phone on a major client after making some kind of joke about a "wet dream". The meeting went on for a few minutes until Jim came out, looking uncharacteristically serious. I asked if everything was okay. "Yeah, Dwight, it's fine. Except Michael's on my rear end about my tardiness or whatever." "Jim, I'm Pete. And you were just talking to Tom. Buddy, are you okay?" "Yeah, sorry," Jim looked flustered for a moment, "It's just the stress. I feel like I'm trying to put a rundown together or something, ya know?" I didn't know, but left this as-is. That was my mistake. The next day, Jim showed up with a supersoaker full of ink. I did the math later, there was almost 3 thousand dollars worth of ink in that super soaker. I think Jim just emptied a bunch of printer cartridges into the thing. He then looked me dead in the eye and started spraying. My shirt was ruined, but Jim just smiled. "Here, I brought you a spare shirt. Mustard yellow, just like you like!" The shirt was not my style at all, in fact it looked like something you'd need to be in perfect shape to pull off. Perhaps some kind of extremely fit and charismatic man could wear this shirt but not me. I told Jim as much, and he looked at me with complete confusion in his eyes. "But Dwight, you always wear this shirt." The police were called then. It took 9 officers nearly 3 hours to drag Jim out of the building. You might have seen the news report, he started screaming about "that loving balloon boy" and bemoaning the current state of M&Ms. It was bizarre and terrifying. Jim was sent away to get help at that point, and I gladly took on the extra work. It was better than the alternative. Things slowly returned to normal, until one night. The moon was full and the light shone in my bedroom. Normally I loved nights like this, it added a sort of dramatic flair to laying in bed. As I began to drift off to sleep, I heard shuffling footsteps in the corner. I glanced over, afraid of alerting whatever (or whoever) was moving around in my bedroom. In the corner of the room was a tall and lanky figure, standing at least 10 feet tall and with limbs like broomsticks. It looked at me with eyes that reflected the moonlight back, like two silver dollars sunk in to a pit of shadows. Then I heard the voice. "Dwiiiiiiight. Hey there, balloooooon boy." He's still looking at me. The sun is beginning to rise and light up the room. I won't be able to pretend to be asleep for much longer. I think he's mugging at me.
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Jan 31, 2023 14:32
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Jim dares Dwight to punch him as hard as possible in the stomach. "I've been doing crunches, I've got abs of steel! Check it out!" Jim lifts his shirt up and reveals that he does indeed have something resembling abdominal muscles, but Dwight can also see the tell-tale scars that show these are simply implanted silicone gel packs mimicking muscles. Dwight asks Jim why he felt the need to do this. "To do what? Get washboard abs? Hmmm, I don't know, maybe because they're awesome? Now punch me, Balloon Boy! Punch me like you've never punched anyone before." Dwight refuses, saying that he doesn't want to hurt Jim. Jim's eyes are filling with tears now, he's barely able to speak coherently. "You don't understand, Dwight. I want you to punch me as hard as you can. Do you understand? I NEED you to punch me as hard as you can, don't hold back. This needs to happen, I can't go on like this. Please Dwight, just let me die. Let me rest in peace." Dwight sighs and says he finally understands. Jim smiles and thanks him as Dwight leans back and delivers a perfect blow directly to Jim's fake abs. The force of Dwight's punch utterly vaporizes Jim, and Dwight sees Jim smiling (truly smiling with joy, perhaps for the first time in decades) as his body is completely destroyed. The office is silent as a cool breeze blows past Dwight, removing any trace of Jim from existence. Indeed, Dwight imagines Jim's tormented soul finally finding peace and drifting away, weightlessly, upon that cool breeze. Dwight sits back down and returns to work. In a talking head segment, Oscar says that he's considering a work from home position.
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Jan 31, 2023 16:45
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jim trains a small, mangy dog to hump dwight's leg
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Jan 31, 2023 17:04
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Jim trains a small, mangy dog to hump his (Jim's) leg
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Jan 31, 2023 17:09
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Jim finally saves up enough of his sales commission (he has a separate, hidden bank account to keep "his big dumb wife and mooching kids from prying" according to his diary) that he buys a few acres of remote Pennsylvania land and quits his job. Any attempt to contact him is futile. Barbed wire surrounds the perimeter of his compound and the security gate around the only road in or out is deadbolted shut with multiple animal skeletons and children's dolls crudely fastened to the gate's "NO TRASPASSNG" sign. Dwight is concerned but legally there's nothing he can do, so he continues selling paper. Years ago past with no contact from Jim. Pam has remarried, finally finding a relationship filled with love and peace with a camera man from the old documentary. Then one morning, many years in the future, Dwight is walking to work when a small, mangy dog comes running up to him. The dog looks hideous. It's underbite does little to conceal the rotting teeth. The dog snorts and snuffs for air. It appears that many generations of selective breeding have born a poor tortured soul of a dog that can barely live without assistance. Who would do such a thing? Feces mat what little fur it has left. As the abomination gets closer, Dwight realizes the dog appears to be mugging. Or was it a mirage? Dwight can't tell. Dwight whips out his iphone 69 and dials the number for the local dog catcher. Something about this situation feels strangely familiar to Dwight.
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Jan 31, 2023 18:21
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jim trains a small, leggy dog. dwight has an unsavoury premonition of what's coming next
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Jan 31, 2023 18:47
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Jim empties his pranking account to cure 10 people of their blindness, then films the entire situation and posts on his Youtube channel - Jim's Sweet Vids 69 - with a thumbnail of him doing a shocked face next to a blind person. Dwight is shocked by Jim's good deed and thanks him for using his powers and finances for something good, rather than a prank. "Oh, just wait and see, Dwight. You may be shocked to discover just how this plays out." News of the video spreads through the office and quickly becomes a point of conversation. Oscar asks why we live in a world where you need to spend millions of dollars for health care anyway. Andy says that at least somebody's doing something honorable with their money, prompting Kevin to ask why the video is monetized if the venture is purely philanthropic. "I don't know Kevin, maybe because the video will make more money to do more things like this?" Andy retorts. Angela declares the entire thing to be "demonic", telling everyone to read their bibles. Meredith asks why everyone is getting so angry about Jim doing something that's actually good, prompting Erin to ask if it's actually good or not. "Maybe those people wanted to be blind, Meredith, ever think of that? Do you WANT your alcoholism to be cured?" "So now you're comparing blindness and alcoholism, Erin? That's the comparison you want to make here?" Jim quickly stands up as the office begins devolving into a series of shouting arguments. "People, people, please. All I've learned is that I can't win. Everyone says the rich should spend their money to help people. I do that, and I'm STILL the bad guy. Wow... just.... wow." "Why do we all have to like you?" retorts Michael. "It's not enough that you have enough money to do this, we also have to approve of your actions and thank you for it? Jesus, Jim, how insecure are you?" "Well," asks Kelly, "what are YOU doing to help people, Michael? When's the last time you cured blindness? Hell, when's the last time you tipped over 15%? And yet you want people to like you." "THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT! GOD, THE PROBLEM IS JIM WANTS TO BE PRAISED FOR DOING GOOD BUT ALSO WANTS TO APPEAR HUMBLE AND PHILANTHROPIC! YOU CAN'T DO BOTH!" "Uh, ever heard of Elon Musk?" Jim adds, "he's a genius and the most humble guy ever. Trust me, he's told me that like a billion times." With that, Kevin throws a chair through the wall. "Why is this on youtube? WHY DO WE NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS? WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST DO A GOOD THING FOR THE SAKE OF THE THING?" The office erupts into an all-out brawl at this point, with Jim and Dwight left in the middle. "Toldja, Dwight. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to film myself giving away 10 Teslas to 10 underprivileged single moms." Dwight sheds a single tear as he watches Kevin suplex Andy through a table.
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Jan 31, 2023 19:08
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Jim collects all his farts into a balloon that he hands to Dwight, who is too polite to decline.
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Jan 31, 2023 19:27
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Jim builds a hidden room inside Dwight's house with a tiny ice machine in it. From then on, each day, Jim secretly rushes around Dwight's house, putting ice on the toilet seats to make them uncomfortably cold. "This is so worth it," Jim whispers to himself inside the 2x2x7 room that is his new life.
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Jan 31, 2023 19:51
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A Fancy Hat posted:"This is so worth it," Jim whispers to himself inside the 2x2x7 room that is his new life. (The "7" figure doesn't refer to height)
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Jan 31, 2023 20:25
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Dwight’s life, and the life of everybody else in the office, had always been miserable. But the last straw was when Jim showed up to work wearing the shiny badge and plume of office of the Regional Head Prankster. President MacFarlane had used the popular mandate that swept him into his third term in office to stuff the Supreme Court and safeguard the passage of his National Pranking Act, and these resulting Pranksters had the full control over all matters related to “mirth, merriment, or laughter”, above the police and the civil authorities. While Dwight had heard that some Head Pranksters were kind and jovial, making themselves the butt of jokes as they warmed the hearts of everyone they met, Jim was not of this school. On his first day he forced Meredith to pratfall over and over until she “got it right,” judged by some metric to which she was not privy. Jim only produced a wan smile when, after five hours of work that covered her shins with yellow and black bruises and scraped her palms raw, she was deemed to have done “good enough.” “Hey Dwight, I was looking at the Merriment Quota and it looks like somebody is being a bit of a Debbie Downer! What’s up, buddy?” Jim said, smiling, but with the eyes of a predator, not a clown. “Everything is copacetic, Jim. Just focusing on work, is all.” “That is a Bummer. Let’s really try to get that Quota up today, you alright with that, friend-o?” Jim rummaged through his Prank Satchel and discarded a plastic flower that shot water, a whoopee cushion, and some wax lips, before producing a taser. He made of show of handing it to Dwight, who refused it. So instead he placed it almost lovingly on Dwight’s desk, tapping it twice with the tips of his fingers and giving Dwight a meaningful look. “I’ll just leave this here, buddy. But I want to see some tears of laughter when I get back, you know what I mean? I’ve don’t want to put anybody down as a Bummer. I mean, the whole office could be on a Penalty!” “Does the President know about what you’ve been up to, Jim? Do you think he would approve?” “Oh, Seth approves. He knows all about it. But if you like, I can put down your objections on the Prank Report, would you like that? We could have, oh, ten, twenty Prank Enforcers down here from D.C. by tomorrow, I’m sure they’d love to do an Audit. Of course, ha ha, they don’t have the same sense of humor that I have.” His eyes never left the taser on the desk. “Uh, no, that’s okay. We don’t need an Audit. I promise to be Merry.” “Great, super. No, I think maybe you should Prank, oh, I’d say two or three people to really get us back in the black here. And, of course, it would be pretty funny if we got a real old-fashioned Backfire going, and you ended up pranking yourself accidentally. Something like that would make the regional report, would really be a feather in my cap, if you get me. I’ll come back at EOD to check on the Merriment levels and just make sure that everything is shipshape.” Dwight sighed as Jim turned away. Jim turned around for a parting shot. “Oh, I almost forgot: TGIF, buddy!” It was an hour or two before Dwight gingerly picked up the taser. He thought about using it on Jim, but Jim was just the pus on the boil of the whole system. There would be another Jim, then another. Later that day, Jim gave Dwight a thumbs up when he tased himself in the break room, twitching on the floor as the rest of his coworkers watched with horror, or, when Jim looked their way, with big, fake, rictus-like grins. It took Dwight the better part of a decade, working nights and weekends, to build The Machine. Oscar had even died, Pranked to death by an Enforcer, bringing Dwight the last few pieces he had procured from a resistance cell somewhere around Oakridge. But it had worked. Dwight tested it with small objects, first. Sending back the detritus of particularly bad pranks into the past, in an ultimately futile attempt to warn his past self about what was coming. A stapler trapped in Jello, a morbid reminder of when Jim had forced Kevin to eat an entire box of sugared staples, was the final test. But it was not enough. He would need to take more direct action. He had poured through the records to determine an acceptable entry point, where one man could, “for want of a nail,” alter the course of events. It was remarkably simple. President MacFarlane, the Hero of September, who had fought his way through a plane of terrorists to save thousands, was the weak link. The Machine worked better than he had hoped. He crept into the Boston hotel room without incident, and changed the alarm to an hour later. MacFarlane would miss his flight, avoid meeting the Al-Qaeda terrorists, and, perhaps, avoid his pivot to politics altogether.
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Jan 31, 2023 21:16
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Jim turns all of Dwight’s teeth into dog teeth. A week later, Jim is enviously watching Dwight, as Dwight tears a steak apart with his teeth, a dedicated carnivore because he is now unable to eat salads. “You look pretty bummed, Jim,” says Michael, stepping up behind him. “Why don’t you just give yourself dog teeth, and turn Dwight back to normal?” “I can’t,” says Jim wistfully, “My powers may only be used to harm, but never to grant joy.”
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Jan 31, 2023 21:28
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Jim runs over Dwight's dog with a car. People are unsure how this is a prank until they watch next week's episode of Family Guy.
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Jan 31, 2023 22:13
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Jim creates "pranking androids" with a pranking level not even Dwight can resist.
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Jan 31, 2023 22:27
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Applewhite posted:Jim creates "pranking androids" with a pranking level not even Dwight can resist. A mysterious time traveler appears, warning Dwight and the rest of the office of these terrible threats. He also reveals (only to Michael) that he is the future son of Dwight and Angela. Michael, overjoyed but ignorant of how time travel works, then throws Dwight and Angela a surprise baby shower. This alters the timeline and erases the future son from existing. As such, Jim’s prank goes off exactly as intended. Jim mugs for the camera. Deep inside his basement lair, 3 additional pranking androids wait to be awakened. “Plus there is that other one in the sub basement. You know, in case I need him.”
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Feb 1, 2023 04:02
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Prankdroid 18 ends up marrying Andy or something.
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Feb 1, 2023 04:43
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Jim is bit by a vampire bat (for real this time) and slowly transforms into one of the undead. Rigor mortis sets in, causing Jim's arms to extend outward and his legs to no longer bend at the knees. In order to move around, Jim begins hopping everywhere. "Jeez, I've heard of a Jiangshi before, but a Jim Shi?" Jim hops his way towards Schrute farms, planning on killing Dwight and absorbing his qi. Unfortunately for Jim, his lack of mobility makes the trip much longer than expected and the sun begins to rise as he reaches the outskirts of the farm. A rooster calls towards the rising sun and Jim realizes he must seek shelter. He flees into a small cave, giggling the entire time. "Oh man, Dwight is going to lose his mind tomorrow night. He's gonna be HOPPING mad!" Jim mugs for the camera.
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Feb 1, 2023 15:30
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Jim’s japes worked, in a sense. Dwight, while charitably leading the local youth group on an excursion in Scranton‘s local caves, is surprised by Jim’s sudden appearance. “Boy am I glad to see you. I’m feeling DEAD tired ever since I got bitten by that bat. It’s as if my whole body is ROTTING!” says Jim. He mugs for the camera (nonexistent) as he strolls out of the cave, into the sunlight, and hops down the hill from whence Dwight came. Dwight sighs, and explains to the youth group the important differences between vampires and the undead.
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Feb 1, 2023 15:49
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Tree Goat posted:Dwight’s life, and the life of everybody else in the office, had always been miserable. But the last straw was when Jim showed up to work wearing the shiny badge and plume of office of the Regional Head Prankster. President MacFarlane had used the popular mandate that swept him into his third term in office to stuff the Supreme Court and safeguard the passage of his National Pranking Act, and these resulting Pranksters had the full control over all matters related to “mirth, merriment, or laughter”, above the police and the civil authorities. While Dwight had heard that some Head Pranksters were kind and jovial, making themselves the butt of jokes as they warmed the hearts of everyone they met, Jim was not of this school. On his first day he forced Meredith to pratfall over and over until she “got it right,” judged by some metric to which she was not privy. Jim only produced a wan smile when, after five hours of work that covered her shins with yellow and black bruises and scraped her palms raw, she was deemed to have done “good enough.” Bravo
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Feb 1, 2023 16:14
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Jim forms a Destructo Disc and throws it at Dwight. It's just a cut-up piece of cardstock so Dwight is mostly unharmed save for a nasty paper cut.
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Feb 1, 2023 16:29
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Jim starts doing a really bad Boston accent 24/7 and threatening to "put Balloon Boy in the meat grinder".
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Feb 1, 2023 16:31
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Jim chops down Ol' Woody, the oldest tree in Scranton. The ancient tree dates back at least 900 years. Jim doesn't blame Dwight for this or anything like that, in fact he gladly takes the punishment associated with it. As he's taken to court for this, Jim is interviewed by the local news as to his motives for doing this. "To remind Dwight that I can do anything I want. Think about how many things happened while that tree slowly grew. How many generations of people walked past that tree? The United States only existed for a portion of that tree's existence, can you imagine? That tree witnessed all of the beauty and grief that nearly a century of humanity can produce, and yet, I chopped it down in an afternoon. My name is Jim Halpert. I am the nail on the road that punctures your tire when you're racing to see your first child born. I am the catastrophic engine failure that crashes a plane full of tourists into the ocean. I am the clump of cancer cells inside of you, slowly growing and changing, filled with malice and hunger and a blind need to reproduce and destroy. And I am the blade that chops down the ancient tree where you and your wife used to picnic on lazy summer days. Dwight, I know you're watching. I will spend a few months behind bars. I will pay this fine. And then I will be back. And God help you, I will take more and more from you. I have drank from the cup and still find myself thirsty and needing more sustenance. I will burn this world to the ground, Dwight, and take everything you hold dear from you. Your future children will scream in fear at the thing in the closet, and you will know it was me." Dwight is vacuuming the house while this is going on, but thinks he overhears his name. He asks Angela if he missed something. "Not sure, I think maybe Jim just came out of the closet or something." Dwight says that's good for him, then goes back to vacuuming.
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Feb 1, 2023 16:35
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Dwight: I take job serious and that annoy Jim: Me want hump Pam Pam: I marry Roy? Jim: I hump Karen Jim: Dwight prank Dwight: Annoy Jim: I dump Karen Karen: I will now go and star in Parks and Rec where I will date and get dumped by the childish male star character on that show too **Rashida Jones mugs the camera**
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Feb 1, 2023 18:41
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Jim breaks into Dwight's house and "switches his socks" so that he (Dwight) will put his "left and right socks" on backwards.
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Feb 1, 2023 19:14
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Jim breaks into Dwight's house and "switches his socks" so that he (Dwight) will put alligators on his feet instead of socks.
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Feb 1, 2023 19:25
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| # ? Apr 19, 2024 21:34 |
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Jim breaks into Dwight's house and "threatens to gently caress Dwight". Weirdly, the expected outcome of this is still that he (Dwight) will put alligators on his feet instead of socks.
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Feb 1, 2023 19:36
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