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Jim comes into the office carrying an augur, the curly tool used to drill holes. Dwight asks what stupid prank Jim is planning this time. "I'm going to use it to get a million dollars," says Jim bubbly, with a mad gleam in his eye. Dwight snorts and gets back to work. At the end of the work day, as everybody is packing up to leave, Dwight turns to Jim with a snide expression and asks, "So, did it work? Did the augur get you a million dollars?" "Not yet!" shouts Jim as he leaps over the desk and uses the sharp point of the augur to slide open Dwight's belly. Blood starts to spurt across the room and everyone screams, running this way and that. Jim continues his grisly work, determinedly opening a wide gash in Dwight's body. While everyone rushes past the horrible scene, Jim studiously pulls Dwight's intestines out and starts to weigh them in his hands, watching and feeling them as they spool out of the fresh corpse. Jim mutters and frowns as he unspools Dwight's entrails. "5. 23. 45. 51. 59. 62. And a powerball of 3? Thanks, buddy." Jim buys a lottery ticket on his way home that night with those numbers. The next day, Jim climbs over the police tape and breaks through the crime scene plastic wrap to sit down at his desk in the office, which is empty except for Dwight's body, still slumped back in its chair. Jim looks slyly at Dwight. "You know, the winning numbers last night were 3, 23, 45, 51, 59, 62, and a powerball of 5! Pretty tricky to switch the numbers on me. Pretty good prank there, buddy. Pretty good." Jim smiles as he grabs a pen and paper and starts to call clients. Across the desk from him, Dwight's corpse turns slightly as a breeze shifts the chair. His face, frozen into a leering smirk by rigor mortis, turns directly toward the camera.
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Sep 23, 2021 15:29
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| # ? May 14, 2024 11:10 |
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Jim breaks into Dwight's car. He eats until he is morbidly obese and cannot be removed without cutting the car open.
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Sep 23, 2021 17:01
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Following a huge thunderstorm across Scranton, Jim and Pam stop showing up to work. Calls go unanswered for 3 daysand Michael and Dwight decide to check on the Halpert home to find out if they're both okay. When they get there, they find a circus tent in the place where the house used to be. A clown (Dwight swears it's Jim in disguise, but Michael says the hair isn't floppy enough) steps out of the tent and approaches the two men. The clown explains that the terrible storm made it impossible for their caravan to continue on, so they pulled over at this house. The owner of the house said it would be "pretty funny" if they set up here, so they did. Michael asks where Jim and Pam are, and the clown silently gestures towards the tent. Michael and Dwight enter the tent and immediately begin to feel nauseous. Dwight looks around and realizes that the tent is bigger on the inside than it was on the outside. This already feels like a prank from Jim, he thinks. Kind of a hackneyed one so far. Michael vomits and a clown with a mop quickly runs by and cleans it up before honking his nose politely. "Hey, this place is pretty great!" says Michael, gleefully. The two Dunder Mifflin employees head deeper into the tent, eventually finding Jim and Pam dressed into the gaudy outfits of a high-wire act. "Well, well, well! If it it isn't fatso and stinky! Just kidding boys, why not grab a seat for the high wire act?" says Jim, mugging for the camera. Michael and Dwight do as instructed and Dwight realizes that they're the only two people in the entire audience. He asks Michael if the circus is even operating right now, and Michael admits that he didn't see anything about it on the official circus and carnival homepage. They sit down to watch the show, unsure of what might exactly is going on. "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages! We know present the most incredible high flying act you have EVER seen! The Incredible Halperts!" A spotlight is trained on the couple and both take theatrical bows. Jim reaches for the trapeze and loses his balance, falling to the ground while letting out a high pitched scream. He thuds to the ground and Dwight hears a disturbing wet noise come from the darkness where Jim landed. Pam then takes a bow and the spotlight turns off. All of the lights come back on and Jim's body lies there, unmoving, as the mop clown comes by again. He starts to mop up Jim's bodily fluids and Michael waves at him, telling Dwight that he "knows that guy". The clown waves back before tossing Jim's body in a black garbage bag and walking off stage. The first clown appears again and takes a bow, bidding farewell to Michael and Jim and thanking them for visiting the circus. Michael and Dwight drive back to work in an awkward silence until Michael finally asks if this is what Dwight has to deal with all the time. Dwight sighs and says that this is pretty common, yeah, although he thinks Jim might have planned on something else but wasn't good enough at the trapeze to pull it off. Michael agrees that makes sense, then realizes that they forgot to ask if Pam was coming back to work. They quickly turn around and drive back. When they get to the tent, the mopping clown waves again and starts blowing kisses at Michael. Michael blushes and says that this is the 3rd time this month a clown has hit on him, owing the attention to his new cologne. The pair goes back into the tent, but this time it appears much smaller on the inside than the outside. Pam is standing in the corner, still in her high wire outfit, but a black version. Michael walks up to her and asks if she's coming back to work any time soon. Pam begins crying and says that she won't be back as she's in mourning for her husband. Michael says no problem, he'll see her when she's ready. She thanks Michael for the kindness and hands him a box, saying that Jim wanted him to have it. Michael takes the box to Dwight. Dwight takes a single look at the box and then tells Michael just to throw it away, it's very obviously a weird prank and Jim's "backup plan". Michael agrees and tosses it in a garbage can before waving one final time at the mopping clown and driving off. Inside the box, Jim's severed head has been attached to a spring, his face sewn into a permanent smug grin. When Jim returns to work the next week, he is disappointed to find out that Michael never opened the box. "Did you at least kiss the clown?" he asks, frustrated. Michael nods and says he didn't realize he was supposed to. The office is oddly quiet for the rest of the day.
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Sep 23, 2021 19:11
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Jim walks into the office wearing a strapless dress that takes Dwight's breath away. Several minutes later, Dwight asphyxiates and falls to the ground.
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Sep 24, 2021 00:52
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After going to the gym once, Jim declares himself an "elite bodybuilder." He spends most of his day reading reddit bodybuilding forums, flexing shirtless in front of the bathroom mirror, chugging protein shakes and making rude comments about his coworkers physiques. Fed up with Jim's nonsense, Dwight challenges him to a lift off over lunch. The office staff eagerly gathers around two squat racks to watch Dwight put Jim in his place. Dwight goes first, squatting an impressive 375 pounds with perfect form. Jim mocks him, tears off his shirt, and proceeds to shock the office by squatting several thousand pounds.
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Sep 24, 2021 01:59
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Jim starts calling Dwight at 1am every morning. "This is your 1am wake up call, balloon boy!" says Jim. Dwight is powerless to stop the calls because Jim linked Dwight's phone to a deadman switch that will release a balloon full of heroin into Dwight's stomach if he doesn't answer.
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Sep 24, 2021 04:02
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Dwight is hanging from a cliff, clawing his way up from the wildebeest stampede. He almost makes it to the top, when Jim grabs his hands. With deliberate emphasis, Jim says “Long. Live. Balloon Boy.” He then throws back his hands, sending Dwight flying back down into the canyon.
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Sep 24, 2021 15:00
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I love that Dwight is becoming progressively more wise to Jim's antics.
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Sep 24, 2021 15:29
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Applewhite posted:I love that Dwight is becoming progressively more wise to Jim's antics. At this point in the thread: Dwight is wise to Jim’s reality bending antics, and just tired of the entire thing Jim has power over life, death, time, space, reality Mose is a dog Meredith always has to go to the hospital Pam is an alcoholic constantly scrolling tinder Dwight is “balloon boy” and also a tireless honest, generous man who gives to charity and adheres to moderate humanistism philosophy
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Sep 24, 2021 15:36
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Jim shows up to work dressed like a chef, then offers a pie to Dwight. Dwight agrees and says he'd love a pie. A huge grin forms on Jim's face as he asks what kind of pie Dwight would like. There are two options - apple or deadly poison. "Give me the deadly poison one, that sounds good." says Dwight, more focused on a spreadsheet he's filling out than the pie. Jim is flummoxed as his deadly poison is actually on backorder. "You SURE you don't want an apple pie?" "Nah, I've had that before. Never had a deadly poison pie. You gotta try new stuff, right?" Jim is left speechless but must abide by the rules of the prank he set up, so he bakes Dwight a "deadly poison" pie. He then serves it to Dwight, and Dwight profusely thanks Jim. For the rest of the day, Jim stares at Dwight and keeps asking when he's going to eat the pie. Dwight keeps saying "a few more minutes". When the day ends, Jim asks if Dwight's finally going to eat the pie. "Nah, changed my mind. I'll take it home. I promise you, I'll eat it tonight." Jim lets out an involuntary giggle. He starts trying to think of a good pun, his "how about these apples?" punchline having been thwarted earlier. Dwight drives home and, once he's out of sight of the office, carefully bags up the pie, and disposes of it properly to ensure no other people or animals come into contact with it. The next day at work Jim is already there (extremely rare for him to be in the office before 11 am as of late), a huge grin on his face. "Did you eat the pie?" "Uhhh yeah. It was great. Yum yum, thanks again Jim." says Dwight as he starts logging on. Jim mugs for the camera, realizing that Dwight must NOT have eaten the pie. For he baked the most delicious pie in history for Dwight, one that would have opened his mind to all new heights of pleasure and deliciousness. Dwight would have entered a new universe of heightened awareness, one that would have ushered in a new beginning for humanity itself, as everyone else in the world would soon share in the gifts of the perfect pie, ascending beyond the pitiable state they currently existed in. There would be no more wants or needs, everyone would have exactly what they need at all times. "No problem, buddy. No problem at all!"
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Sep 24, 2021 16:40
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Creed walks in late, eating a pie bare-handed from a ripped open trash bag. Jim and Dwight look at him for a moment, and then at one another for a moment more. Dwight bursts up from his desk and dives to smack the pie out of Creed's hands while Jim looks into the camera with a mixture of surprise and smug delight on his face. Cut to the interview room where Creed says "I don't know what glasses guy's problem was, that's not even the best strawberry and mescaline pie I've had this week. Needed some cool whip."
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Sep 24, 2021 18:08
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Jim walks in the office one morning, and greets Dwight with "Hey, what's up, Baloon Boy?". Dwight immediately turns into a mylar balloon with a Dwight caricature printed on it. He then starts slowly floating upwards to the ceiling, popping when it hits an exposed screw. "What a party pooper!" Jim tells the crew in the confessional while mugging the camera.
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Sep 24, 2021 18:11
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Jim uses his magic to turn Dwight's lips into a butthole. Now speaking is exceptionally difficult, Angela won't let him kiss her, and watching him eat is loving disgusting. Jim mugs to the camera.
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Sep 24, 2021 18:18
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Jim and Dwight are in the woods hiding from deadly creatures with exceptional hearing hunting them down. Jim silently mugs has he holds up a remote and pushes the button; a small speaker on Dwight's person makes a farting noise.
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Sep 24, 2021 19:31
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Jim lets hundreds of flies loose in the office, then says he can sell Michael a "bunch of frogs" to take care of the problem that he created. Dwight says they don't need frogs, they have "Treplah Semaj" to deal with it. "Treplah Semaj?!" says a confused Jim, who instantly pops back into the 5th dimension upon saying his name backwards. Dwight circles a date 90 days in the future when Jim's magic recharges and he can return to the 3rd dimension, then takes a bite of his beet sandwich. Pam silently walks up to Dwight's desk and hugs him, whispering "Thank you" before breaking into tears.
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Sep 24, 2021 19:42
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When the last two cohesive atoms in the universe finally lose that cohesion and seperate into subatomic particles, entropy in the universe is complete. Jim smiles for nothing, and behind existing backwards in time. After a few hundred billion years he starts to see there is other life in the universe again. Every day he kills every living being in the universe. Then he continues to travel to the previous day, where he kills every living thing again. Trillions of years later he arrives back on Earth on the last day of Dwight Schrute's life. He is surrounded by his family, and even by a younger Jim. Jim walks into the room grinning, happy to obliterate them all but he has time for a prank first. "Tell me Dwight,", he says "before you go have you heard the truth about updog?" The other Jim turns and looks at him confused. Dwight is barely conscious. "What are I doing here?" Jim's past self says to him. "I'm entropy Jim, don't worry about it" Jim replies, smirking. Dwight reaches above himself and a secret compartment drops a shotgun into his hands. He unloads it into Jim. Blood sprays everywhere. "Did I get the right one this time?" he asks weakly. "Sorry Buddy," Jim says. "You got entropy Jim. I'll still become him eventually. And then I'll die on this day. Tomorrow, I'll kill every living thing before coming here today and being killed by you. You didn't stop the loop." "Can I ask you one favor before I die?" Dwight asks. "Anything" Jim says. "What's updog?" Dwight asks.
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Sep 24, 2021 23:03
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Jim and Dwight have been conveniently taking bathroom breaks at the same time to have a torrid sex affair in the men's. They think nobody knows, but it's an open secret. Pam will give Jim a suportive thumbs up when she sees him exit the men's room.
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Sep 25, 2021 00:25
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Dwight discovers that the dewormer he uses on his animals actually can be used effectively in humans to eliminate parasites. The amazing discovery has massive potential in the developing world to save lives. During a global pandemic, Jim baselessly claims that Dwight’s cure works on the virus that is sweeping the globe. Jim’s followers kill themselves with drug overdoses and preventable cases of the disease. They destroy the credibility of Dwight’s cure.
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Sep 25, 2021 01:17
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poisonpill posted:At this point in the thread: I'm also a fan of the alternate canon where Jim suffers a crippling prank addiction that is slowly destroying his marriage, career and health.
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Sep 25, 2021 05:02
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Jim pretends to cast a spell on Dwight to make Dwight incontinent. Dwight scoffs but shits his pants moments later. He tries to get Jim fired for "practicing witchcraft" but Michael just sends Dwight home because he stinks. Jim explains on breakroom cam that for the past several weeks he's been sneaking onto Dwight's farm in the middle of the night and watering Dwight's beets with laxatives.
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Sep 25, 2021 05:08
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poisonpill posted:At this point in the thread: You forgot Jim also has mastered full control of his body, enabling him to suck in with his butthole rather than just release farts. Speaking of, Jim atmospherically seals the Dunder Mifflin building and then uses his perfect anal control to suck up way more than his fair share of the oxygen in the building, causing everybody else to become weak and disoriented. Then he releases it all in one massive farty blast that blows out every seal on the building at once.
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Sep 25, 2021 08:49
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Applewhite posted:I'm also a fan of the alternate canon where Jim suffers a crippling prank addiction that is slowly destroying his marriage, career and health. i prefer Pathetic Jim to Cosmic Jim tbh
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Sep 25, 2021 10:55
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Jim says "Hey Dwight how would you like a knuckle sandwich?" Dwight had has enough, stands up and says "Sure thing, big man. loving give it to me. Go ahead." Jim hands him a plate with a normal sandwich on it. It is made of bread, American cheese, and his own knuckles. Jim chopped off the fingers of his right hand. Dwight sees the blood oozing out of the sandwich and passes out. He hits his head on the corner of the desk causing severe brain trauma. Jim mugs for the camera.
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Sep 25, 2021 14:01
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Jim microwaves leftover salmon in the office kitchen. The entire office reeks of fish.
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Sep 25, 2021 18:23
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Jim changes Dwight's microsoft teams name to 'tits McGee' while he's in the bathroom
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Sep 25, 2021 18:24
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Jim buys a surplus german shephard at a police auction. Jim brings it to the office and sics it on Dwight.
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Sep 25, 2021 18:26
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Jim loans Dwight his external HD with his bootleg Naruto subbed. But what he doesn't reveal to Dwight is that he modified the subtitle textfiles and replaced the words 'ninja' with 'goblin,' 'Pain' with 'King Owwchie Booboo,' and 'chakra' with 'g-spot'
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Sep 25, 2021 18:31
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Dignity Van Houten posted:Jim changes Dwight's microsoft teams name to 'tits McGee' while he's in the bathroom Jim changes Dwight's Zoom name to "Buttfucker 3000" right before Dwight logs into virtual court to protest a traffic ticket. The judge is not amused.
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Sep 25, 2021 19:37
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Jim walks up behind Dwight while he’s working and gently rests his penis on Dwight’s left shoulder.
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Sep 25, 2021 20:03
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Jim traps Dwight in Donkey Kong. By recommending Rainn Wilson for the role, John Krasinski ensures that his former office costar has descended the actor rankings into “cheesy kids voiceover work” level, finally killing Wilson’s career.
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Sep 25, 2021 20:04
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Jim walks up behind Dwight while he's working and gently rests his penis on Dwight's right shoulder.
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Sep 25, 2021 20:30
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Applewhite posted:I'm also a fan of the alternate canon where Jim suffers a crippling prank addiction that is slowly destroying his marriage, career and health. Jim starts calling Dwight “balloon boy”.He uses his power over space and time to turn Dwight into a sentient Mylar balloon, who can walk, talk and eat. Dwight is wise to Jim’s reality bending antics, and just tired of the entire thing, so he returns home to pet his dog, Mose. Pam pleads with Jim one last time for the sake of her marriage. “You could change all of this!” She tells Jim, “Your children are starving! I’m drunk all the time because I can’t stand the sight of you! You could make it all better with a blink of your eye!” Jim shakes his head, with sad eyes but a maniac grin on his face. “It doesn’t work like that,” he replies, “I wish it did. But I can only use them for pranks! Don’t you see? I need to save my powers! Conserve them, for the pranks! My precious pranks…” Pam leaves Jim that night, taking the children and leaving him, alone, a sad god in an empty house. Meredith has to be taken to the hospital.
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Sep 25, 2021 20:44
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Thesis, antithesis, synthesis.
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Sep 25, 2021 21:07
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Jim traps Donkey Kong inside Dwight's house. Dwight is mauled by a gorilla in a necktie when he arrives home.
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Sep 25, 2021 21:08
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Jim traps Dwight in a Donkey Kong. Dwight wakes up in some kind of strange carnival named “Dunintendo-Mifflin”, replete with trademarked video game characters. Jim used his powers to create this theme park and trap Dwight, unaging and eternal, in this character costume forever. Thwarting him, Dwight’s gentle innocence and kindness means that he soon becomes the most popular character in the theme park. Children line up to meet Donkey Kong, and Jim furiously returns Dwight to his old life and takes his place in a Donkey Kong. Several years later, Dwight is bringing his young son to the strange theme park and sees the Donkey Kong. He brings his son near, but his son holds him back. “Why is he crying, daddy?” Dwight thinks there is something familiar in the eyes for just a second, and feels vaguely uneasy. “I don’t know,” he says and leads his son away, “Let’s go buy a balloon from that man over there instead!” As they walk away, Jim tries to call him “Balloon Boy”, but the sound only comes out as “Breet breet!” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWINseIbbdQ
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Sep 26, 2021 00:35
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Jim walks up behind Dwight while he's working and gently rests Donkey Kong's penis on Dwight's left shoulder.
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Sep 26, 2021 00:53
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Jim traps Dwight inside Donkey Kong, forcing him to drive a tiny go-kart in an arena battle. Jim strikes Dwight with a green shell, popping one of the three balloons tied to the back of Dwight's kart. "Nice driving, balloon boy!" taunts Jim.
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Sep 26, 2021 01:17
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Jim traps Dwight inside Donkey Kong, forcing him to play the infamously difficult Beaver Bother game to win a golden banana
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Sep 26, 2021 01:50
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Jim is granted The AllSight by a freak coincidence. He uses his universal awareness to point out times Dwight has felt uncomfortable. As he stands over Deight's feeble body, Jim says "Whpah buddy guess I should have seen that tumor. Pr-eeeee-tyyy embarassing". In a cutaway Jim mugs for the autopsy video and says "EH, I knew about it"
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Sep 26, 2021 02:36
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| # ? May 14, 2024 11:10 |
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Jim pees his pants and blames it on Dwight. Dwight's protests are cut off by Michael telling him to stop being gross. Jim, having won yet again, doesn't bother changing his pants for the rest of the day.
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Sep 26, 2021 06:40
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