2019 Goon Draft - The Official Start to Chris Ballard's Offseason

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium > The Football Funhouse > 2019 Goon Draft - The Official Start to Chris Ballard's Offseason

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ShakeZula: Jun 17, 2003; Nobody move and nobody gets hurt.

The combine has passed, free agency's gold rush is over, and the AAF can only sustain us for so long. In these fallow times, why not take the reins of our favorite teams and show everyone just how easy it is to do a GM's job? Welcome to the 2019 Goon Draft!

The Rules
:siren:

PLEASE READ THE RULES WHY WOULD YOU SIGN UP FOR THIS AND NOT READ THE RULES :siren:

Each team will have one poster as its GM, responsible for making the picks (which, for the sake of easy tracking, will be posted in a separate thread once the draft commences). Teams are first come first serve. War rooms are fine, so long as there is a designated spokesperson. The clock on each pick is 24 hours, at which point if the spokesperson has not made a pick I will make one for them. No trades will be allowed, as they just tend to complicate things and previous drafts have run much more efficiently without them. If you just want to take part and don’t care which team you get, post and I’ll assign you to a team that might not have any other takers.

Here's the first round draft order:

1. Arizona Cardinals a neat cape
2. San Francisco 49ers Eltoasto
3. New York Jets Professor Funk
4. Oakland Raiders Blitz7x
5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers wandler20
6. New York Giants GNU Order
7. Jacksonville Jaguars zimbomonkey
8. Detroit Lions Acebuckeye13
9. Buffalo Bills fsif
10. Denver Broncos 3 DONG HORSE
11. Cincinnati Bengals No Irish Need Imply
12. Green Bay Packers nerve
13. Miami Dolphins Catfish Noodlin
14. Atlanta Falcons weird Asian candy
15. Washington Redskins Ches Neckbeard
16. Carolina Panthers TheFlyingLlama
17. New York Giants GNU Order
18. Minnesota Vikings korrandark
19. Tennessee Titans Demon of the Fall
20. Pittsburgh Steelers MY NIGGA D-LINK
21. Seattle Seahawks EmbryoSteve
22. Baltimore Ravens Arkhams Razor
23. Houston Texans Sad King Billy
24. Oakland Raiders (via Bears) Blitz7x
25. Philadelphia Eagles ELO Musk
26. Indianapolis Colts ShakeZula
27. Oakland Raiders (via Cowboys) Blitz7x
28. Los Angeles Chargers MrLogan
29. Kansas City Chiefs SHOAH NUFF
30. Green Bay Packers (via Saints) nerve
31. Los Angeles Rams play
32. New England Patriots Docjowles

Teams that shan't know the joy of the draft's first day:
Cleveland Browns Gatts
Dallas Cowboys Tom Sellout
New Orleans Saints Silly Burrito
Chicago Bears Sad King Billy

Claim your teams!

And for those without PMs:

Catfish Noodlin posted:

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet...kgso/edit#gid=0

Here's the Google docs with names and teams, if you wanna put it in an OP.

ShakeZula fucked around with this message at 03:29 on Mar 26, 2019

# ? Mar 21, 2019 04:13

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# ? Apr 19, 2024 23:02

fsif: Jul 18, 2003

The Bills!

# ? Mar 21, 2019 04:25

No Irish Need Imply: Nov 30, 2008

Bengals

# ? Mar 21, 2019 04:28

Ches Neckbeard: Dec 3, 2005; You're all garbage, back up the truck BACK IT UP!

The Browns got OBJ at 17

If you need to fill a team I'll do it.

# ? Mar 21, 2019 04:31

TheFlyingLlama: Jan 2, 2013; You really think someone would do that? Just go on the internet and be a llama?

claiming the panthers

# ? Mar 21, 2019 04:31

ShakeZula: Jun 17, 2003; Nobody move and nobody gets hurt.

Ches Neckbeard posted:

The Browns got OBJ at 17

If you need to fill a team I'll do it.

Thanks, I'm sure we'll need you!

# ? Mar 21, 2019 04:37

Blitz of 404 Error: Sep 19, 2007; Joe Biden is a top 15 president

I'm extremely online and there's no warcrimes, I'll take the Raiders

# ? Mar 21, 2019 04:48

Professor Funk: Aug 4, 2008; WE ALL KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN

Hell yeah

# ? Mar 21, 2019 05:14

Sad King Billy: Jan 27, 2006; Thats three of ours innit...to one of yours. You know mate I really think we ought to even up the average!

I'll take the Texans please.

# ? Mar 21, 2019 07:28

Hamhandler: Aug 9, 2008; [I want to] shit in your fucking mouth. [I'm going to] slap your fucking mouth. [I'm going to] slap your real mother across the face [laughter]. Fuck you, you're still a rookie. I'll kill you.

Can I take the Dolphins?

# ? Mar 21, 2019 14:35

weird Asian candy: Aug 23, 2005; Ask me about how my football team's success determines my self worth, and how I wish I lived in New Orleans.

I gots the Falcons!

# ? Mar 21, 2019 14:40

Diqnol: May 10, 2010

I�ll take the Eagles but I�ve had it for a few years so if another eagles fan wants it, it�s yours

Diqnol fucked around with this message at 14:58 on Mar 21, 2019

# ? Mar 21, 2019 14:53

MrLogan: Feb 4, 2004; Ask me about Derek Carr's stolen MVP awards, those dastardly refs, and, oh yeah, having the absolute worst fucking gimmick in The Football Funhouse.

I'll take the San Diego Chargers of Los Angles.

# ? Mar 21, 2019 15:31

wandler20: Nov 13, 2002; How many Championships?

Tampa Bay Buccaneers please.

# ? Mar 21, 2019 16:06

D-LINK: Oct 1, 2007; I was talking to peachy Peach about kissy Kiss. He bought me a soda.

I have done the Steelers in previous drafts, and I will again if no one else volunteers

# ? Mar 21, 2019 16:34

EmbryoSteve: Dec 18, 2004; Taste~The~Rainbow

My blood sugar is gon' be like

~^^^^*WHOA*^^^^~

I'll give the seahawks a go

cant gently caress up 4 picks all that badly

# ? Mar 21, 2019 17:59

Silly Burrito: Nov 27, 2007

I�ll take the Saints, but I�ve picked for them for a couple of years, so if another Saints poster wants them, I�ll step aside. Otherwise, I�ll have to dig deep for that second round pick.

# ? Mar 21, 2019 18:45

Professor Funk: Aug 4, 2008; WE ALL KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN

Silly Burrito posted:

I’ll take the Saints, but I’ve picked for them for a couple of years, so if another Saints poster wants them, I’ll step aside. Otherwise, I’ll have to dig deep for that second round pick.

Sort of related, but if any Jets posters want to DM me and talk picks/strategy, go for it (assuming that's allowed for this exercise). I figure it's more fun if more people can get involved.

# ? Mar 21, 2019 18:59

Acebuckeye13: Nov 2, 2010; If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling
1-800-GAMBLER; Ultra Carp

Deeetroooooit

Professor Funk posted:

Sort of related, but if any Jets posters want to DM me and talk picks/strategy, go for it (assuming that's allowed for this exercise). I figure it's more fun if more people can get involved.

Yeah I'm down for this as well.

# ? Mar 21, 2019 19:11

Play: Apr 25, 2006; Strong stroll for a mangy stray

Never fear, I'm going to give unsolicited advice to all of you via this thread

# ? Mar 21, 2019 20:28

Demon Of The Fall: May 1, 2004; Nap Ghost

I'll take Tennessee for another year

# ? Mar 21, 2019 20:36

Silly Burrito: Nov 27, 2007

Play posted:

Never fear, I'm going to give unsolicited advice to all of you via this thread

So you�re going to be our Mel Kiper Jr stand-in?

# ? Mar 21, 2019 21:51

Play: Apr 25, 2006; Strong stroll for a mangy stray

Silly Burrito posted:

So you�re going to be our Mel Kiper Jr stand-in?

except with better hair

# ? Mar 22, 2019 00:54

3 DONG HORSE: May 22, 2008; I'd like to thank Satan for everything he's done for this organization

I will represent the Broncos if no one actually knowledgeable shows up

# ? Mar 22, 2019 01:20

BaggySteve: Dec 4, 2018; by LITERALLY AN ADMIN

ill get the 49ers

# ? Mar 22, 2019 02:13

a neat cape: Feb 22, 2007; Aw hunny, these came out GREAT!

I'll take the Cardinals since someone took the Chargers

# ? Mar 22, 2019 02:15

Blitz of 404 Error: Sep 19, 2007; Joe Biden is a top 15 president

Do not let baggy Steve get the 49ers

# ? Mar 22, 2019 02:15

weird Asian candy: Aug 23, 2005; Ask me about how my football team's success determines my self worth, and how I wish I lived in New Orleans.

Play posted:

except with better hair

Are you going to give us analysis of each pick cuuuuuuz I feel like ya should

# ? Mar 22, 2019 02:20

Metapod: Mar 18, 2012

I'm the niners

# ? Mar 22, 2019 02:31

BaggySteve: Dec 4, 2018; by LITERALLY AN ADMIN

Metapod posted:

I'm the niners

i picked the niners

# ? Mar 22, 2019 02:32

Metapod: Mar 18, 2012

BaggySteve posted:

i picked the niners

I'm the niners

# ? Mar 22, 2019 02:33

nerve: Jan 2, 2011; SKA SUCKS

packers please

# ? Mar 22, 2019 02:48

Silly Burrito: Nov 27, 2007

weird Asian candy posted:

Are you going to give us analysis of each pick cuuuuuuz I feel like ya should

Someone did that one year. Was it Daltos?

# ? Mar 22, 2019 02:54

3 DONG HORSE: May 22, 2008; I'd like to thank Satan for everything he's done for this organization

I drafted Lamar Jackson at the 5th pick last year my god

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3852342

if you wanna see how bad you were last year

# ? Mar 22, 2019 02:57

GNU Order: Feb 28, 2011; That's a paddlin'

I believe that I alone have the ability to rebuild the New York Giants and I'm already open to trade requests

e - sorry I read the OP, ixnay on the adetray

# ? Mar 22, 2019 02:59

Ches Neckbeard: Dec 3, 2005; You're all garbage, back up the truck BACK IT UP!

3 DONG HORSE posted:

I drafted Lamar Jackson at the 5th pick last year my god

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3852342

if you wanna see how bad you were last year

3 good picks, none of them happened but they turned out good players.

# ? Mar 22, 2019 03:11

3 DONG HORSE: May 22, 2008; I'd like to thank Satan for everything he's done for this organization

Ches Neckbeard posted:

3 good picks, none of them happened but they turned out good players.

Heh, just noticed we drafted each other's Chubbs

# ? Mar 22, 2019 03:20

Arkhams Razor: Jun 10, 2009

I'll take the Ravens, I guess

# ? Mar 22, 2019 04:05

Darth Brooks: Jan 15, 2005; I do not wear this mask to protect me. I wear it to protect you from me.

Every pick this year should be Rubmaps.com until we get down to whoever is picking for the Patriots and we then we just watch...

# ? Mar 22, 2019 04:21

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# ? Apr 19, 2024 23:02

Professor Funk: Aug 4, 2008; WE ALL KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN

Do we do all 7 rounds? (it looked like you guys only did 3 last year, but maybe that's wrong)

# ? Mar 22, 2019 14:51

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium > The Football Funhouse > 2019 Goon Draft - The Official Start to Chris Ballard's Offseason

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