Honky Dong Country posted:

So are we talking a brief excerpt here then? Because I'm fine with that. I just don't want to get mired in reading a historical document (however brief, comparatively speaking) in its entirety. I'm not opposed to short excepts of serious poo poo though.

E: gently caress it here's that particular excerpt from the Declaration of Indepence: https://soundcloud.com/user-641725526/doi

EorayMel posted:

I remember a post way back in The Firing Range about a goon getting gifted a fully automatic FN FAL by his cousin('s wife) to help deal with deer infesting his farm, and talking about how political power flows down the barrel of a gun while you line up sights on a 60 year old battle rifle on a spotlighted deer flicking its big dumb ears staring at you, but I have lost the post. Alas...

So instead have a story from a TCC goon about the dumb bitch that knocked the hookah over:

EorayMel posted:

There is also this abridged post:

Vato posted:

Aw, thanks! You make it sound so nice! Being serious. Bravo.

Internut posted:

Picture a rough night's sleep after a lovely salmon casserole and a few glasses of Red. I arise from bed about 05:30 and stagger to the kitchen to make the morning cups of tea. The kettle is on, and I shuffle back to the bedroom to rouse the better half for another day of wrangling the children for school. On the way, I start to lay a toxic miasma that puts DDT and Agent Orange to shame. The sound is like ripping wet leather apart. It lasted about 7 seconds. A muffled giggle is heard from the boy's bedroom. I tell them to get up and get ready for school. After I've entered our bedroom, we hear a startled gasp and gagging. They have walked into a fog you need a knife and fork to cut into. They thought the original concept of the fart was amusing until they actually walked into the nasty wall of stink. I let out a chuckle and tell my partner. She laughed and started to get out of bed. I hit the shower and start to get ready for work. Showered and dressed, I exit the bedroom and get hit by a shoe. That nasty had lasted about 20 minutes and stank the whole house out courtesy of the airconditioners. The shoe was my partners and she was not impressed. We normally exchange gaseous communications with humour, but this bastard nearly caused a divorce.

Zamboni Rodeo posted:

Honky Dong Country posted:

MORE

Sanford posted:

RUBBISH SCAM ALERT

I have an allotment. The fee is £25 a year paid in advance. There are fewer than ten allotment holders total, we all know each other, share tools, take tea breaks together, etc.

When a guy with a virtually unintelligible Russian accent starts walking from plot to plot telling people the rules have changed, it is now £100 a year and it needs to be paid in cash, now, or "I will have to take this garden" it tends not to go down very well. The end result was a group of angry men carrying gardening tools telling him to gently caress off or we'll call the police. He set off on foot and as he left picked up a spade and took it with him, so we called the police anyway. They picked him up half a mile down the road and brought the spade back. Weird as hell.

If I get there tonight and the allotment has been seized by the Russian government I'm going to look a right chump.

EorayMel posted:

Come back! Unlike this guy running a very well thought out scam:

EorayMel posted:

Here is yet another budk review. As an added challenge, try doing this in a single breath exactly as it is written.

Jesustheastronaut! posted:

God damnit OP you'd better not be reading anything I post, bud

Honky Dong Country posted:

https://soundcloud.com/user-641725526/jesustheastronaut

Suuuuuuuck iiiiiiiiit

(Seriously tho find some classic or otherwise noteworthy/funny post and post it ITT and I'll read that motherfucker)

Tambourine Man posted:

What disgusting things do you do but not tell anyone about?


At night, when I'm smoking a cigarette outside, rather than finish smoking and go take a wizz (I usually have to piss when I have a smoke) I just whip it out and piss where I'm standing. I move my member around to disguise the sound, lest someone call the cops.

After work, while I'm sitting at this computer, I usually end up masturbating, and since I don't change my clothes until then next day I have to work (and not always then, since I wear a uniform) I just cum right on my shirt and let it dry. I figure I'm going to wash it anyway, why not multitask. If anyone ever spots a cum stain (I also sometimes use jeans) I just tell them I was eating glazed doughnuts.

I'll eat food that's been sitting out for days, if it's not visibly rotten, despite the virii, mold spores, and bacteria that are undoubtedly on it. I just tell myself it's nothing but stale.

Mr.Pibbleton posted:

The bionic commando teams up with Frederick Douglas and Naruto to fight scientologists. Unfortunately their true foe is the barely restrained passion for each other which causes the team to split up in a jealous huff over. After getting captured (sexually) and tortured (sexually) by genetically engineered catgirls (sexually) The bionic commando tames the pussy and comes to the conclusion that he must reform the team and get Naruto to give up alcohol.

Once the boy ninja is off of his crutch, Frederick Douglas rejoins the team once everyone promises to stop confusing him with George Washington Carver(sexually).
It ends with a hot cyborg/boy ninja/black abolitionist/catgirl orgy on top of the defeated, dessicated, defiled remains of the Hubbard clone army(sexually).

Oh and they meet an Aleut named Mr.Pibbleton who is really smart and handsome, and not overweight at all. Oh, and I have like, magical abs(non-sexually)!

Old Dun Cow posted:

Scenario: You're walking along, whistling an old Irish sea chanty, on your way to the local coffee shop. You were going to purchase a newspaper when you arrived, but it occurs to you that your good friend Nathan still has your copy of the most recent McSweeney's book of short stories. You decide to pop in and get it back so you can finish the last two stories over your morning coffee. Approaching his apartment door, you hear the theme song to Super Mario World playing rather loudly. You assume that's why he doesn't come to the door when you knock. You try the knob and find that the door is unlocked, so you push it open. Time slows to a crawl as your eyes fall upon the scene in the center of Nathan's living room. He's dressed from head to toe in a fuzzy, green felt Yoshi costume, complete with a tail and leather saddle. A man, about twice Nathan's age, is wearing red overalls, a fake moustache, a large floppy hat with a construction paper 'M' taped to the front and nothing else. He is behind your friend and is, apparently, furiously humping him. Nathan is bent over his threadbare couch facing you, his fake tail waving around comically. You make eye contact with him through the halved and hole-punched ping-pong balls that adorn his home-made Yoshi costume's paper mache head.

What the gently caress do you do?

quote:

I'm using a throwaway account because I'm humiliated about how this has been going.

I have been seeing a wonderful man for two years now. About six months ago he proposed to me, and since then I've been elated. We have eagerly been planning our wedding and things seem to be clicking between us. I said yes to my dress, invited about 75 guests, and our wedding is set for this December.

Here's where things get complicated. My fiance enjoys the idea of me being with other men. And yes, before you ask, he is bisexual. We have played out this fantasy consistently over the past couple of years, and I enjoy it as well... for the most part. Some of the time I don't know what he's thinking with his requests. About a year ago, he asked me to "steal" his credit card and take my other boyfriend to an expensive restaurant, treat him to dinner, and then have sex with him in a good hotel. I did all of this and sent pictures. It drove him wild.

Gradually the fetish began to involve turning him into a "sissy." He would be very submissive around me during sexual times, and ask that I talk about my experiences with other men, past and present. Again, I obliged.

So, again, I don't mind at all. I'm sexually open minded and if it makes him happy, then I'm happy too. But now it's getting completely out of control, and is starting to leak into our wedding planning. He seems to be more excited about using this as a chance to get his rocks off than actually start a life with me.

For instance, early on, he asked if my other boyfriend could walk me down the aisle. Since my father is dead, I was planning on my brother doing it, but he wants my boyfriend to do it instead. Many of our guests know about the nature of our relationship so he said it wouldn't be a big deal, but it was just too weird for me to even consider. I put my foot down and said no. He reluctantly gave up on the idea, although my other boyfriend will be attending (the three of us are also good friends, so it's natural for him to be there).

Later on he suggested that on our wedding night, my boyfriend be the first person to have sex with me when married. He would be in the room, which is not usual but has happened before, and then cuddle up next to me when we were finished. I agreed to this because whatever, I want him to enjoy our wedding night too.

Today was too much. Our venue has a special service (I think it's special at least?) where during the ceremony and beginning of the reception, they will take a video, and then at the end of the reception show it on a big screen matched to music. We have a certain deal of freedom over how they'll arrange the end product, and while it's expensive, we both agreed that it would be a nice touch. At the very end of the credits though, when brainstorming a last goodbye comment, he suddenly suggested that the video end with something like "Now get to your hotel room and prep the bull you sissy."

I feel sick to my stomach. Has his fetish grown so out of control that he wants me to humiliate him in front of all of our friends and family for sexual gratification? He's never been this way, and I love him as much as ever before, but I need to put a stop to this soon and I don't even know how. He gets so excited when ideas like these come up and has gotten angry at me for saying "no" to his other wedding planning ideas too much.

tl;dr: Fiance and I are into hotwifing/roleplaying/sissy fantasizing, he wants to involve this in the wedding, what do I do?
...
later
...
After a lot of talking, some yelling, and an unhealthy dose of self-deprecation from him, we've come to an understanding that I want to please him, but don't want to make it public. So, where possible, we're working in a few things that he wants to do, but they're very small and limited. It makes him so happy when I agree to an idea so I can't help doing something. Instead of writing "prep the bull" at the end of our highlight video, we're going to write berth ell pup, which is an anagram of it. If asked we'll just say it means "I love you" in Old Norse.

...
Can't wait til someone Googles that on their phone at the reception and gets led here.
...

Oh my god you're right.

I told him this ten minutes ago. He knows that I reddit (he's a redditor too), and when I brought this up in the first place I told him that I asked reddit for advice and showed him the original thread. It's the main reason why we ended up going to therapy in the first place. He was actually the one who suggested that I update you all on the situation.

After I told him that someone could just Google berth ell pup and find the phrase in this thread, he looked me in the eye and said "That's so loving hot."

When he goes to work I'm leaving. He'll find this post eventually but I don't care. I need a few days to cool off and reconsider my options. He's ill. He needs serious help and I think I'm going to call his brother to tell him (without specifics). I texted my aunt already and she'll be here to pick me up with a moment's notice.

EorayMel posted:

Does this count?

EorayMel posted:

Perhaps this will also suffice:

EorayMel posted:

Going for a triple to round things out nicely:

dr.acula posted:

Excellent video that shows once again
That the only thing you need to die
Is to be alive...
The horse was happy waiting to mount
And then this fuckin mare arrives and straight up
Kicks the horse on the forehead
Skull fracture and immediate death
Before dying the horse farts three times
Saying farewell to life
Unfairly
Note that the guy who was holding the lasso never lets go even after it died
The horse now declared dead
The man following orders never lets go even after it died.
That is not wanting to face death
And the man with the beer in his hand
Believes the horse will rise again
That maybe the horse is playing dead
And the man who holds the mare who murdered the stallion keeps her inside the coop, like waiting for the horse to react and rise to keep his duty.
Everybody should accept that they hosed up.
The horse must be buried by now and the mare
Will be punished in a dungeon for killing the horse with a kick.
This whole event was surrealist
And one could hope it had never happened
But it did and it is not a mere tale
These are things that happened and fate is written
Each of these beings learned their lesson or maybe not. But we should take heed and beware in order to prevent these accidents.
I've witnessed many events like these I was not able to record. This is not my video
But I've seen them and I've learned from them. An accident is just that, but many could have been avoided.
"Better safe than sorry"
This was God's will and it was done.
#HorsehealthBelieveinGod amén

Honky Dong Country posted:

https://soundcloud.com/user-641725526/poorapples

shame on an IGA posted:

Long, but worthwhile:

Honky Dong Country posted:

I want to believe this is real because jfc what a brutal self own

https://soundcloud.com/user-641725526/berthellpup

Hausaun Young posted:

Sep 18, 2008
(4 out of 5 stars)

Mai, Sode no Shirayuki! Some no mai, Tsuki Shiro! Tsugi no mai, Hakuren! San no mai, Shirafune! This sword is the most beautiful in all of Soul Society! The blade, the guard, even the hilt is the purest white hence the name, Sode no Shirayuki; White Snow's Sleeve. That said there are two problems with the sword I have now; number one, the blade is not white, and number two it's not full tang. For this to be a TRUE replica of Sode no Shirayuki, the blade at the very least must be all white! Other than that, perfection!

Ex_Ceteris_paribus posted:

No. You are obviously a scrub. You suck at what we do here in this section of SA. The problem is with you, not me.

If I have a problem with someone, I show them up and prove my phenotypic and genotypic dominance over them. I do not follow them around like a jealous oval office.

If you actually have any modding powers on this site, resign now, and seek help. You are terrible for this site, ridiculously easily offended, and beta as gently caress.

I'll post in whoever's thread I like, as I'll ive done and will continue to do is encourage people.

Grow a pair, and leave me alone. Stop degrading yourself.

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

EorayMel posted:

HDC where do you stand on the Sound of Trouble White Anime Katana Sword?????????????????????????

EorayMel posted:

OP, I have very strongly worded complaint about you

Honky Dong Country posted:

MORE.

Hobag posted:

My 30 year old male roommate proudly showed me his new ATM card, which I was shocked and awed to discover was emblazoned with several Disney characters. I immediately told him this was pretty gay, and this so offended him that we had a several-hours-long argument about the gayness of Disney fandom among adult men.

Do you think it's gay to be an adult male afficianado of Disney? Am I being gay for calling him gay? (Sidenote: I am actually a gay, which I think gives me some authority on the subject of gayness.)

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

Tim Legion posted:

Tim Legion Black Yoshi and Shrek Want Kill All Toads!
Throw Toad at into Chemical Acid Bath
When I’m through rapping I’ma Watch ESPN Sportscenter and Play Battlefield and Call of Duty and Science fictions games
Boston Red Sox and New England Patriots Is Hottest Team!
Fight for it!
Tim Legion and Black Yoshi and Shrek is Number One!
Guns! Guns! Guns!

Honky Dong Country posted:

5. Sometimes stuff has reprehensible words in it. I'm of the opinion that saying bad words as part of a quote or a written work is acceptable. Does this mean I'm gonna read some hatespeech manifesto? gently caress no. But if something has a bad word in it I'm prolly gonna say it (for example the Parisian catacomb post with "my nigga have you tried LSD?!?!" and the skeleton shaking and so on). I in no way condone the usage of hatespeech or any other verboten language these days, but if it's part of something amusing I'm not gonna censor it out of a reading. I hope you guys understand.

killaer posted:

Raiding. Raiding annoys me so loving much.

I do not want to spend 4 to 6 hours in a video game instance. Ever. That is gay as gently caress.

Raiding is fun with people sometimes. It is a blast when a new instance comes out, yes. Raiding can be very fun. After the second month of a raid being out, it gets boring. My main problem with ulduar is that there is SO MUCH UNNECESARY GAY TRASH. Want to do freya? There are stupid sections that last 10-25 minutes when you are killing trash. This is not fun at all. It comes down to me spamming my AoE, it is boring, and there are probably 6-8 sections like this in Ulduar. Just let me loving kill Ignis instead of flying around in a whirlwind from his little magma golems.

Anyone saying that "Blizzard needs to put in trash so you play longer so that you pay them more so they can make more money!!!" is dumb.

I don't mind a little bit of trash. But some of it is rediculous. VEZAX. WHY DO I NEED TO KILL ALL THAT?

Boss fights are fun! Trash is boring and dumb.

Anyway, all this leads up to raid instances being cluttered with boring idiotic stuff. I end up having to free up FOUR TO SIX HOURS in a given week to do ulduar. This is not fun. The same thing could be accomplished from having any given raid be 1.5-2 hours.


Second Gripe: Instances are no longer as good as kara. Kara was the best. I want an instance as good as kara. This has not come yet.

Telebite posted:

Have you read this one yet

EorayMel posted:

A post embodying GBS at its roots:

EorayMel posted:

Also here is a section of the Tim Legion Rap:

Honky Dong Country posted:

https://soundcloud.com/user-641725526/imgay