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Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?



____________________________

Raw Results:
  • Alexa Bliss opened the show with A Moment of Bliss, this time in the ring instead of on the stage. She spoke about the Money in the Bank ladder matches on the PPV of the same name. The men and women's match would each have 8 participants, divided equally between Raw and Smackdown.
  • The male competitors from Raw are BRAUN!, Ricochet, Drew McIntyre and Baron Corbin. They argued amongst themselves, Drew warning Corbin he wasn't going to let him steal his victory again like he did in the triple threat last week. BRAUN! told them all to shut up and challenged them to a tag match.
  • BRAUN! and Ricochet defeated Drew McIntyre and Baron Corbin after the Drew/Baron couldn't stay on the same page, with Drew eventually knocking out Corbin after trying to tag himself in to steal the pin. BRAUN! powerslammed Corbin and Ricochet got the pin.
  • The Usos defeated The Good Brothers in a match that got a fair amount of time, then aired a cell phone video of Dash Wilder shaving Scott Dawson's back (:what:), and the Revival came out to complain about this invasion of privacy (which is fair!). They promised to take care of Ryder and Hawkins then deal with the Usos later.
  • The Miz did an episode of MizTV with guest Bobby Lashley (no Lio Rush accompanying him) where he questioned if Lashley had achieved his full potential while calling himself an overachiever. Lashley, talking about himself in the 3rd person, pointed out that Miz lost to Shane at Wrestlemania and reiterated that Miz's dad thought he was worthless. Miz attacked Lashley, obviously intent on proving Lashley wasn't better than him.
  • Lashley, who apparently is better than him, defeated The Miz in a singles match. Shane McMahon came out during the match and a picture of MizDad appeared on the big screen which proved too much of a distraction. Shane attacked Miz postmatch who started to fight back until Lashley helped Shane out. Shane put him in a submission hold and declared on the mic that he was the Best in the World.
  • The Viking Raiders defeated Lucha House Party in like 2 minutes.
  • Another A Moment of Bliss, this time on the stage, introduced the women competitors from Raw for the Money in the Bank ladder match. They were Natte, Dana Brooke, Naomi and Alexa Bliss herself. They argued and Naomi demanded a match against Alexa, who initially insisted she didn't have her gear.
  • A new episode of Firefly Fun House aired, with Bray doing a painting which he showed to a rat puppet, it was the burning barn that Randy Orton set on fire. Abby the Witch showed up and Bray informed us that she is a sociopath, and spelling it out as the Word of the Day.
  • Naomi defeated Alexa Bliss in a match largely abut Alexa's shoes, which she claimed weren't actually hers.
  • Rey Mysterio and his large son were interviewed backstage, where Rey agreed it was tough being a little man in a land of giants, and he felt he'd let everybody down with his quick defeat at Wrestlemania. He would prove himself tonight against Samoa Joe in a rematch.
  • Becky Lynch was interviewed in the ring and insisted that fighting two matches in one night was a choice she did not regret making, because she intended to defend the belts she had earned in the same way she earned them, by fighting. Lacey Evans came out to largely repeat her regular schtick and then they broke into a brawl, frequently breaking free of restraining officials to fight more. The crowd loved Becky.
  • A Make A Wish child got to meet Stephanie McMahon (by request) as well as going around backstage and meeting other wrestlers, including Kofi Kingston.
  • Ryder and Hawkins, with new theme music, defeated The Revival in a non-title match in less than 5 minutes. This was most notable for a "shave your back" chant directed at The Revival.
  • The Miz informed an interviewer backstage that he was challenging Shane McMahon to a steel cage match. gently caress.
  • Sami Zayn did a promo discussing other fun stuff he did on "vacation", including studying psychology where he discovered the concept of psychological entitlement. He accused the fans of being entitled and throwing temper tantrums when they didn't get their way, and told a story about a little kid whose father encouraged him to ask Sami for an autograph at 4am. He agreed that quitting WWE would make him happy, but not as happy as he is to show up every week and hold the fans accountable for being terrible people. He intended to take the power "back" from the people.
  • Shane has accepted Miz's steel cage match challenge. gently caress.
  • Samoa Joe did a promo mocking Rey Mysterio, suggesting he buy Dominic a mask so he could hide his shame for his father. Mysterio defeated Joe in a non-title match with a not particularly good looking cradle pin, and celebrated with Dominic after the match.
  • AJ Styles and Seth Rollins came to the ring for a contract signing, where they passive-aggressively sniped back-handed compliments at each other. AJ talked up Seth giving it his all but noted he may have burned himself out, especially now he didn't have Roman or Dean to watch his back. As good as he was, he would never be the Phenomenal AJ Styles. For his part, Seth reminded AJ he never wanted to be the next anybody, just the first Seth Rollins. He was the man who beat The Beast, he could beat AJ too.
  • Finally a brawl broke out, with Seth getting the initial upper hand before AJ hit a Phenomenal Forearm to put Seth through the table to end the show.
____________________________

Smackdown Results:
  • Michael Cole opened the show, welcoming WWE Champion Kofi Kingston to the ring to celebrate his victory at Wrestlemania but also address Kevin Owens attacking him last week. Kofi agreed that he'd been blindsided by Owens, saying he really believed Owens had changed. He didn't mind having a target on his back though and wasn't scared of Owens, and challenged him to a match at Money in the Bank with Kofi's title on the line.
  • Owens came out and admitted Kofi winning at Mania was a great moment, but the fans didn't truly believe he was championship material and Kofi shouldn't believe it either. He accepted the challenge, but then was jumped from behind by Xavier Woods. They fought, and Kofi joined in attacking Owens who bailed.
  • Bayley is one of the Smackdown competitors in the Women's Money in the Bank Ladder match.
  • Becky defeated Bayley in a good match, with Bayley getting in a lot of offense and even hitting her Elbow Drop, only for Becky to grab her into the Disarmer to get the submission win. Despite Becky no-selling Bayley's finish, Bayley looked good and the crowd was into her.
  • Don't worry though, just in case there was any mistaking Bayley as anything but a loser, Charlotte Flair made sure to arrive and hit Becky with a big boot, then toss Bayley into the ringpost and out of the ring like a sack of garbage.
  • Aleister Black did a backstage promo in the dark talking about fear, and how it paralyzes his opponents.
  • The Hardy Boyz came to the ring to address Jeff's injury, with Jeff on crutches. They showed a video of white supremacist Lars Sullivan attacking various wrestlers including Jeff. Matt said they no choice but to surrender the tag team titles since Jeff couldn't wrestle. Jeff assured the fans this wasn't the end of him or the Hardyz as a tag team, and promised to come back better than ever.
  • White Supremacist Lars Sullivan showed up and beat up Matt Hardy, then came after Jeff. Matt returned to save Jeff, but got smashed by Lars again. R-Truth showed up and attacked Lars with a chair, but Lars beat him up too.
  • It was announced that Finn Balor, Ali, Andrade and Randy Orton will be the Smackdown competitors in the Men's Money in the Bank ladder match.
  • The IIconics were guest commentators on a Asuka/Kairi tag match against a couple of giants, including one woman who I think was like 9 foot tall. Asuka/Kairi won quickly, much to their manager Paige's delight, while the IIconics freaked out about the Insane Elbow.
  • Mandy Rose spoke with Sonya Deville about the Money in the Bank ladder match, as apparently only one of them would be allowed to compete. Rather than be a source of drama, Sonya told Mandy she wanted her to take the spot because she deserved it.
  • Roman Reigns came out to talk about how he didn't show up to Smackdown intending to punch Vince McMahon, but he was gonna punch somebody and Vince just happened to be in the way. Shane came out to remind him that the McMahon Family owns this land, but Roman pointed out that it was Shane's daddy who owned the land, and when he got into the ring with Roman he got left on his back.
  • Shane retorted that when HE was in the ring with Roman, Roman ended up on his back. Roman pointed out this was due to Elias, and invited Shane to come face him one-on-one right now. Shane refused, he was busy getting ready for his Steel Cage match with Miz (gently caress) so instead sent out B Team to deal with Roman, and announced Elias would be the second referee at ringside.
  • Roman eventually beat The B Team, despite Elias hauling the referee out of the ring during a pinfall attempt and trying to attack him with the guitar. Roman Superman Punched Elias, Speared Curtis Axel and got the win. Crowd was really into this by the end of the match.
  • They repeated the Firefly Funhouse from Raw, where Bray painted a burning barn.
  • Finn Balor and Ali defeated Randy Orton and Andrade, with Ali scoring the pinfall on Andrade. Orton hit Balor with the RKO immediately after the match but got superkicked by Ali who then climbed the turnbuckle and pointed to the MITB briefcase hanging over the ring.
  • Ember Moon and Carmella were revealed as the next Smackdown competitors in the Women's Money in the Bank Ladder match. The interviewer was atrociously bad, struggling to read her lines.
  • Kevin Owens did The Kevin Owens Show as the main event of the evening, again stressing that Kofi was in over his head and Owens would relieve him of that stress by taking the WWE Championship away from him. He called down Xavier Woods to be his guest, but Xavier did not arrive. Owens said he had a backup plan and pulled an Xavier Woods action figure out of his pocket, then a BIG E figure (with a taped up leg) and placed them on a chair, then kicked the chair over.
  • Kofi arrived sans music and pulled off his shirt, then raced down to the ring and began brawling with Owens (this finally woke up the crowd, who had been dead). Owens tried to bail but Kofi cut him off, leaping from the steel steps to take him out at ringside. He threw a chair onto Owens, beat him against the barricade and talked poo poo to him.
  • Owens took off through the crowd and Kofi got back into the ring and up onto the turnbuckle, demanding he come back and fight.

Jerusalem fucked around with this message at 03:00 on May 1, 2019

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Shayna Baszler
Oct 24, 2001

i'll always take care of you
Muldoon
you just had to do it didn't you

Chris James 2
Aug 9, 2012


*turns down $500k a year each for 5 years to wait out contracts*

Raskolnikov38 posted:

they already got beaten by curt hawkins, what else is there

https://twitter.com/wwe/status/1123026333779390465

Erebus
Jul 13, 2001

Okay... Keep your head, Steve boy...

Who would delete the other thread just to make their own thread

Who would do that

That person would have to be some kind of

some kind of

That DICK!
Sep 28, 2010

Of a post
Full of wrestling

Barreft
Jul 21, 2014

oh yeah, raw was on. i bet it was a raw

Justin_Brett
Oct 23, 2012

GAMERDOME put down LOSER
"You didn't do what I did, I beat Brock Lesnar" - man who cheated to beat Brock Lesnar

Orange Carlisle
Jul 14, 2007

Erebus posted:

Who would delete the other thread just to make their own thread

Who would do that

That person would have to be some kind of

some kind of



I'm glad Vince finally saw the show Kidding

Or Mr Rogers I suppose, that's probably more timely for him

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?

I literally missed everything but the last 5 minutes of Raw, the show didn't sound particularly good but how was it? The Usos/Good Brothers match sounded like it was pretty solid?

Shayna Baszler
Oct 24, 2001

i'll always take care of you
Muldoon

Jerusalem posted:

I literally missed everything but the last 5 minutes of Raw, the show didn't sound particularly good but how was it? The Usos/Good Brothers match sounded like it was pretty solid?

didn't you read my recap in the thread you gassed? did you gas it without even reading it?

Cavauro
Jan 9, 2008

the power dynamics of this place are detrimental to overall posting morale and antithetically toxic to any bubbling sense of healthy discussion. i see it over and over, on a weekly basis. something must change. It's my diaper! the O RLY owl

DarkstarIV
Apr 6, 2010

OFFICIAL RACIST
In case you were wondering where the IIconics were this week on RAW (outside of the promo package):

They were fighting Alicia Fox and Tamina on Main Event, and won. Still not exactly the best optics for the titles to already be relegated to WWE Main Event.

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?

DarkstarIV posted:

In case you were wondering where the IIconics were this week on RAW (outside of the promo package):

They were fighting Alicia Fox and Tamina on Main Event, and won. Still not exactly the best optics for the titles to already be relegated to WWE Main Event.

I legit wouldn't be surprised to read this was being done to punish Sasha Banks somehow.

fatherofmustard
May 15, 2018

Justin_Brett posted:

"You didn't do what I did, I beat Brock Lesnar" - man who cheated to beat Brock Lesnar

To be fair, Brock attacked him before the match started.

Big Coffin Hunter
Aug 13, 2005

Jerusalem posted:

A Make A Wish child got to meet Stephanie McMahon (by request) as well as going around backstage and meeting other wrestlers, including Kofi Kingston.


That dying child is a plant

Cavauro
Jan 9, 2008

the dying child was paid in placebo "living" "medicine" to choose stephanie mcmahon, so that the brand can win. I am a doctor

DarkstarIV
Apr 6, 2010

OFFICIAL RACIST

Jerusalem posted:

I legit wouldn't be surprised to read this was being done to punish Sasha Banks somehow.

Neither would I, but people are somehow taking that tidbit of news as me slamming the IIconics. When I said nothing of the sort.

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?

Hey to be fair, Lacey Evans was also immediately relegated to Main Event and now she's getting a title shot on a PPV!

I mean, that's awful too, but that's neither here nor there!

Tomahawk
Aug 13, 2003

HE KNOWS
So I was sleeping but you’re telling me that the revival declined to sign new contracts, so WWE put them in a segment where they shaved each other’s backs?

projecthalaxy
Dec 27, 2008

Yes hello it is I Kurt's Secret Son


Why are repeatedly shane McMahon beatdown segments. Why does shane keep destroying people. I want it to stop

Blaise330
Aug 13, 2007

GOD'S FAVORITE CHAMPION
Oof Sami kinda bombed this week. Shame, he was off to a hot start.

Justin_Brett
Oct 23, 2012

GAMERDOME put down LOSER

fatherofmustard posted:

To be fair, Brock attacked him before the match started.

Yeah but it feels like if he's going to make this a catchphrase for months that he says to all his opponents they should have just nutted up and had Brock lose because Seth was better. So nothing new from how WWE usually does things, basically.

TV Zombie
Sep 6, 2011

Burying all the trauma from past nights
Burying my anger in the past

projecthalaxy posted:

Why are repeatedly shane McMahon beatdown segments. Why does shane keep destroying people. I want it to stop

He's the best in the world though.

MJeff
Jun 2, 2011

THE LIAR
Guys I'm concerned, Abby the Witch sounded very different this week. I think she might have a serious head cold.


CJ2 quoting Dave posted:

The story from Fightful.com going around that The Revival turned down five-year contracts for $500,000 apiece per year is accurate. Tonight's TV may give you WWE's reaction to that.

If you don't want talent to run off, burying them on TV when they don't re-sign sure is a good idea.

CarlCX
Dec 14, 2003

Blaise330 posted:

Oof Sami kinda bombed this week. Shame, he was off to a hot start.

His delivery is still great, it's just the material doesn't matter. It's only a degree of nuance removed from "you people" promos and there's no actual direction for it--there's no one he's feuding with, no wrestler to take it out on, no title he's challenging for. He's basically just ranting. The crowd has already cooled precipitously.

Jerusalem posted:

I literally missed everything but the last 5 minutes of Raw, the show didn't sound particularly good but how was it? The Usos/Good Brothers match sounded like it was pretty solid?

It was, in fact, not particularly good. The tag match was okay, but it lasted less time than the Revival back-shaving angle and that makes it hard to have a good impression. Also, the Usos singing their way to the ring and trying to encourage the crowd to dance has been overshadowed by said back-shaving but it was really loving awkward.

Like, the best segment of the entire show might honestly have been Becky and Lacey beating each other up.

afatwhiteloaf
Oct 19, 2012

projecthalaxy posted:

Why are repeatedly shane McMahon beatdown segments. Why does shane keep destroying people. I want it to stop

Gotta make my family look strong pal -vkm

ftwtom
Feb 7, 2001

I went to the Smackdown house show instead of watching Raw tonight. Heavy Machinery vs. the B-Team MOTY.

The_Rob
Feb 1, 2007

musicals are garbage
Tonight was the first night I watched raw in years. It's very bad.

Aphrodite
Jun 27, 2006

Seth beat up both of the Revival after the show went off the air.

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?

CarlCX posted:

Also, the Usos singing their way to the ring and trying to encourage the crowd to dance has been overshadowed by said back-shaving but it was really loving awkward.

This is particularly galling since the Usos kinda sucked for ages then they got given a bunch of freedom (I can't remember if it started on Smackdown or not) to just be themselves/cut their own weird promos and they became amazing. Now it looks like WWE might be "helping" them :sigh:

VJeff posted:

If you don't want talent to run off, burying them on TV when they don't re-sign sure is a good idea.

Aphrodite posted:

Seth beat up both of the Revival after the show went off the air.

I assume the mindset is,"We'll make these guys such jokes it'll ruin their marketability once they leave!" not understanding that these guys who are booked like jokes on WWE and then turn out to be incredible in other promotions is NOT a knock against the other promotions.

Raskolnikov38
Mar 3, 2007

We were somewhere around Manila when the drugs began to take hold
lol did nazi lars disappear again

shiksa
Nov 9, 2009

i went to one of these wrestling shows and it was... honestly? frickin boring. i wanna see ricky! i want to see his gold chains and respect for the ftw lifestyle

Tomahawk posted:

So I was sleeping but you’re telling me that the revival declined to sign new contracts, so WWE put them in a segment where they shaved each other’s backs?

i cant wait for "horrible segment vince makes you do because he is mad he cannot purchase you as he would a tub of protein powder" becomes a mark of honor among new aew signees.

IcePhoenix
Sep 18, 2005

Take me to your Shida

Raskolnikov38 posted:

lol did nazi lars disappear again

he's on smackdown, dummy

Strawberry Panda
Nov 4, 2007

Breakfast Defecting, Slow Dick Touching, Root Beer Barreling SwagVP

Raskolnikov38 posted:

lol did nazi lars disappear again

He's on Smackdown.

MJeff
Jun 2, 2011

THE LIAR

Jerusalem posted:

This is particularly galling since the Usos kinda sucked for ages then they got given a bunch of freedom (I can't remember if it started on Smackdown or not) to just be themselves/cut their own weird promos and they became amazing. Now it looks like WWE might be "helping" them :sigh:

I'm gonna take this as an opportunity to chart the Usos evolution because I find it really fascinating.

- They went to SmackDown as same ol' bland face Usos in the 2016 brand split.
- Started adopting heelish tendencies slowly when it looked like American Alpha might be the new hot tag team on the block
- American Alpha beat them in a tournament match (where the Usos jumped them at the bell) and the Usos snapped, attacked American Alpha and went heel.
- They ditched the facepaint and all the Samoan iconography, got their new music and started heavily emphasizing limbwork and submissions. This was absolutely fascinating because for a few weeks there they were this really fun mix of The Young Bucks and The Revival, doing a frog splash on somebody's leg and then putting them in a Tequila Sunrise.
- They just kinda treaded water while the Slater/Rhyno stuff and Wyatt Family stuff was happening until they started feuding with American Alpha for the tag titles. This is when they started talking about Day One Ish and doing the "It's Not Paranoia, It's the Usos" promos. This promo imo is when they really started clicking.
- They had a series of really great TV matches with American Alpha that nobody remembers except me. One of them was literally interrupted by shots of Shane McMahon walking down a hallway. It's a goddamn tragedy. But they won the tag belts off American Alpha here.
- After Wrestlemania 33, they feuded with Breezango next. This is where they picked up the Uso Penitentiary stuff.
- After Breezango, they feuded with New Day. This is where they got new music where they rapped over their current theme.
- After the New Day feud, basically a year after turning heel, they turned face because everybody just loved them now.
- Jimmy fought a cop.
- Then they went to Raw to presumably be completely ruined.

It's just so interesting to me because you can see that the gimmick was just kinda there at first after the turn, but then they hit the Day One Ish stuff, started incorporating stuff from their opponents in their feuds and then they just got more and more over with all of these awesome matches until everybody loved them. It's the best example of turning someone heel to turn them face I can think of and it's also a great example of letting someone get over by just letting them be themselves. If WWE treated more acts like the Usos, their TV would probably be a lot more fun to watch.

MJeff fucked around with this message at 06:33 on Apr 30, 2019

KungFu Grip
Jun 18, 2008

Mustache Robert beat Ricochet last week and wasn't on Raw or in MITB.

MJeff
Jun 2, 2011

THE LIAR

KungFu Grip posted:

Mustache Robert beat Ricochet last week and wasn't on Raw or in MITB.

Wasn't he part of the preview?

drrockso20
May 6, 2013

Has Not Actually Done Cocaine

DarkstarIV posted:

In case you were wondering where the IIconics were this week on RAW (outside of the promo package):

They were fighting Alicia Fox and Tamina on Main Event, and won. Still not exactly the best optics for the titles to already be relegated to WWE Main Event.

I didn't even know Main Event was still a thing, where do they show that these days?

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?

VJeff posted:

I say Us, you say o!

Man the Fashion Police stuff with the Usos was so much fun. "DAY ONE IS H!"

The fact that almost every Usos/New Day PPV match was relegated to the pre-shows still blows my mind.

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Neodoomium
Jun 20, 2001

You are now hearing this
noise in your head.



Jimmy fighting a cop makes him an ultra-face

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