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Apr 23, 2014


Jan 28, 2013

A spinoff featuring only characters from the middle column seems like it would be fun.

Nov 4, 2009

doot doot dee
doot doot doot
doot doot dee
dee doot doot
doot doot dee
dee doot doot

College Slice

Grammarchist posted:

A spinoff featuring only characters from the middle column seems like it would be fun.

Leah and Rosalie start out antagonizing each other, only to find they have a lot of shared trauma from abusive previous relationships and their own infertility. They bond and become a support system for each other, and eventually enter a romance even more star-crossed than Bella and Edward's.

oh god what have i become

A Real Horse
Oct 26, 2013

Dienes posted:

Leah and Rosalie start out antagonizing each other, only to find they have a lot of shared trauma from abusive previous relationships and their own infertility. They bond and become a support system for each other, and eventually enter a romance even more star-crossed than Bella and Edward's.

oh god what have i become

A more exciting author than Stephanie Meyer.

Apr 23, 2014


Funny how having a deadline made it harder to think about leaving, or having her leave. I was glad Seth’d brought that up, so I knew they were staying here. It would be intolerable, wondering if they were about to go, to take away one or two or three of those four days. My four days.


Also funny how, even knowing that it was almost over, the hold she had on me only got harder to break. Almost like it was related to her expanding belly—as if by getting bigger, she was gaining gravitational force.

If you know what's coming: yes, this is exactly the cause you think.


For a minute I tried to look at her from a distance, to separate myself from the pull. I knew it wasn’t my imagination that my need for her was stronger than ever. Why was that? Because she was dying? Or knowing that even if she didn’t, still—best case scenario—she’d be changing into something else that I wouldn’t know or understand?

She ran her finger across my cheekbone, and my skin was wet where she touched it.

“It’s going to be okay,” she sort of crooned. It didn’t matter that the words meant nothing. She said it the way people sang those senseless nursery rhymes to kids. Rock-a-bye, baby.

It's really hard to tell who Meyer wants us to sympathize with the most here. While Bella ultimately turns out to be right in the end, she looks like a delusional lunatic.


“Right,” I muttered.

She curled against my arm, resting her head on my shoulder. “I didn’t think you would come. Seth said you would, and so did Edward, but I didn’t believe them.”

“Why not?” I asked gruffly.

“You’re not happy here. But you came anyway.”

“You wanted me here.”

“I know. But you didn’t have to come, because it’s not fair for me to want you here. I would have understood.”

It was quiet for a minute. Edward’d put his face back together. He looked at the TV as Rosalie went on flipping through the channels. She was into the six hundreds. I wondered how long it would take to get back to the beginning.

This scene is just so weird to envision.


“Thank you for coming,” Bella whispered.

“Can I ask you something?” I asked.

“Of course.”

Edward didn’t look like he was paying attention to us at all, but he knew what I was about to ask, so he didn’t fool me.

“Why do you want me here? Seth could keep you warm, and he’s probably easier to be around, happy little punk. But when I walk in the door, you smile like I’m your favorite person in the world.”

“You’re one of them.”

"Not sure why, but..."


“That sucks, you know.”

“Yeah.” She sighed. “Sorry.”

“Why, though? You didn’t answer that.”

Edward was looking away again, like he was staring out the windows. His face was blank in the reflection.

“It feels… complete when you’re here, Jacob. Like all my family is together. I mean, I guess that’s what it’s like—I’ve never had a big family before now. It’s nice.” She smiled for half a second. “But it’s just not whole unless you’re here.”

“I’ll never be part of your family, Bella.”

I could have been. I would have been good there. But that was just a distant future that died long before it had a chance to live.

I'm sure Stephenie will find a totally normal way for him to be part of her family!


“You’ve always been a part of my family,” she disagreed.

My teeth made a grinding sound. “That’s a crap answer.”

“What’s a good one?”

“How about, ‘Jacob, I get a kick out of your pain.’”

I felt her flinch.

“You’d like that better?” she whispered.

“It’s easier, at least. I could wrap my head around it. I could deal with it.”

These people are so hosed up and I honestly can't believe we're supposed to consider them loyal friends.


I looked back down at her face then, so close to mine. Her eyes were shut and she was frowning. “We got off track, Jake. Out of balance. You’re supposed to be part of my life—I can feel that, and so can you.” She paused for a second without opening her eyes—like she was waiting for me to deny it. When I didn’t say anything, she went on. “But not like this. We did something wrong. No. I did. I did something wrong, and we got off track.…”

Her voice trailed off, and the frown on her face relaxed until it was just a little pucker at the corner of her lips. I waited for her to pour some more lemon juice into my paper cuts, but then a soft snore came from the back of her throat.

Power move: fall asleep in the middle of telling the guy crushing on you why you're not dating him.


“She’s exhausted,” Edward murmured. “It’s been a long day. A hard day. I think she would have gone to sleep earlier, but she was waiting for you.”

I didn’t look at him.

“Seth said it broke another of her ribs.”

“Yes. It’s making it hard for her to breathe.”


“Let me know when she gets hot again.”


She still had goose bumps on the arm that wasn’t touching mine. I’d barely raised my head to look for a blanket when Edward snagged one draped over the arm of the sofa and flung it out so that it settled over her.


Occasionally, the mind-reading thing saved time. For example, maybe I wouldn’t have to make a big production out of the accusation about what was going on with Charlie. That mess. Edward would just hear exactly how furious—

“Yes,” he agreed. “It’s not a good idea.”

“Then why?” Why was Bella telling her father she was on the mend when it would only make him more miserable?

“She can’t bear his anxiety.”

“So it’s better—”

“No. It’s not better. But I’m not going to force her to do anything that makes her unhappy now. Whatever happens, this makes her feel better. I’ll deal with the rest afterward.”

That didn’t sound right. Bella wouldn’t just shuffle Charlie’s pain off to some later date, for someone else to face. Even dying. That wasn’t her. If I knew Bella, she had to have some other plan.

A terrible, poorly considered plan that makes things worse.


“She’s very sure she’s going to live,” Edward said.

“But not human,” I protested.

“No, not human. But she hopes to see Charlie again, anyway.”

Oh, this just got better and better.

“See. Charlie.” I finally looked at him, my eyes bugging. “Afterwards. See Charlie when she’s all sparkly white with the bright red eyes. I’m not a bloodsucker, so maybe I’m missing something, but Charlie seems like kind of a strange choice for her first meal.”

Edward sighed. “She knows she won’t be able to be near him for at least a year. She thinks she can stall. Tell Charlie she has to go to a special hospital on the other side of the world. Keep in contact through phone calls.…”

“That’s insane.”


This reminds me of Handbook for Mortals where Zade's magickal near-death is covered up as an extremely obscure combination of rare diseases.


“Charlie’s not stupid. Even if she doesn’t kill him, he’s going to notice a difference.”

“She’s sort of banking on that.”

I continued to stare, waiting for him to explain.

“She wouldn’t be aging, of course, so that would set a time limit, even if Charlie accepted whatever excuse she comes up with for the changes.” He smiled faintly. “Do you remember when you tried to tell her about your transformation? How you made her guess?”

My free hand flexed into a fist. “She told you about that?”

“Yes. She was explaining her… idea. You see, she’s not allowed to tell Charlie the truth—it would be very dangerous for him. But he’s a smart, practical man. She thinks he’ll come up with his own explanation. She assumes he’ll get it wrong.” Edward snorted. “After all, we hardly adhere to vampire canon. He’ll make some wrong assumption about us, like she did in the beginning, and we’ll go along with it. She thinks she’ll be able to see him… from time to time.”

So her plan is to give her dad a heart attack.


“Insane,” I repeated.

“Yes,” he agreed again.

It was weak of him to let her get her way on this, just to keep her happy now. It wouldn’t turn out well.

Which made me think that he probably wasn’t expecting her to live to try out her crazy plan. Placating her, so that she could be happy for a little while longer.

Like four more days.

And then turning her into a vampire works and he has to desperately try to reason with his wife as she tries to implement every crazy plan he agreed to.


“I’ll deal with whatever comes,” he whispered, and he turned his face down and away so that I couldn’t even read his reflection. “I won’t cause her pain now.”

“Four days?” I asked.

He didn’t look up. “Approximately.”

“Then what?”

“What do you mean, exactly?”

I thought about what Bella had said. About the thing being wrapped up nice and tight in something strong, something like vampire skin. So how did that work? How did it get out?

“From what little research we’ve been able to do, it would appear the creatures use their own teeth to escape the womb,” he whispered.

I had to pause to swallow back the bile.

Yeah this book is gonna go places.


“Research?” I asked weakly.

“That’s why you haven’t seen Jasper and Emmett around. That’s what Carlisle is doing now. Trying to decipher ancient stories and myths, as much as we can with what we have to work with here, looking for anything that might help us predict the creature’s behavior.”

Stories? If there were myths, then…

“Then is this thing not the first of its kind?” Edward asked, anticipating my question. “Maybe. It’s all very sketchy. The myths could easily be the products of fear and imagination. Though…”—he hesitated—“your myths are true, are they not? Perhaps these are, too. They do seem to be localized, linked.…”

“How did you find…?”

“There was a woman we encountered in South America. She’d been raised in the traditions of her people. She’d heard warnings about such creatures, old stories that had been passed down.”

“What were the warnings?” I whispered.

“That the creature must be killed immediately. Before it could gain too much strength.”

Just like Sam thought. Was he right?

“Of course, their legends say the same of us. That we must be destroyed. That we are soulless murderers.”

Two for two.

Edward laughed one hard chuckle. have even more reason to terminate this pregnancy.


“What did their stories say about the… mothers?”

Agony ripped across his face, and, as I flinched away from his pain, I knew he wasn’t going to give me an answer. I doubted he could talk.

It was Rosalie—who’d been so still and quiet since Bella’d fallen asleep that I’d nearly forgotten her—who answered.

She made a scornful noise in the back of her throat. “Of course there were no survivors,” she said. No survivors, blunt and uncaring. “Giving birth in the middle of a disease-infested swamp with a medicine man smearing sloth spit across your face to drive out the evil spirits was never the safest method. Even the normal births went badly half the time. None of them had what this baby has—caregivers with an idea of what the baby needs, who try to meet those needs. A doctor with a totally unique knowledge of vampire nature. A plan in place to deliver the baby as safely as possible. Venom that will repair anything that goes wrong. The baby will be fine. And those other mothers would probably have survived if they’d had that—if they even existed in the first place. Something I am not convinced of.” She sniffed disdainfully.

Maybe tone down on the medicine man insults in front of the Native American.


The baby, the baby. Like that was all that mattered. Bella’s life was a minor detail to her—easy to blow off.

Edward’s face went white as snow. His hands curved into claws. Totally egotistical and indifferent, Rosalie twisted in her chair so that her back was to him. He leaned forward, shifting into a crouch.

Allow me, I suggested.

He paused, raising one eyebrow.

Silently, I lifted my doggy bowl off the floor. Then, with a quick, powerful flip of my wrist, I threw it into the back of Blondie’s head so hard that—with an earsplitting bang—it smashed flat before it ricocheted across the room and snapped the round top piece off the thick newel post at the foot of the stairs.

Bella twitched but didn’t wake up.

“Dumb blonde,” I muttered.

This is like a crazy fanfic of the Twilight series.


Rosalie turned her head slowly, and her eyes were blazing.

“You. Got. Food. In. My. Hair.”

That did it.

I busted up. I pulled away from Bella so that I wouldn’t shake her, and laughed so hard that tears ran down my face. From behind the couch, I heard Alice’s tinkling laugh join in.

I wondered why Rosalie didn’t spring. I sort of expected it. But then I realized that my laughing had woken Bella up, though she’d slept right through the real noise.

“What’s so funny?” she mumbled.

“I got food in her hair,” I told her, chortling again.

“I’m not going to forget this, dog,” Rosalie hissed.

“S’not so hard to erase a blonde’s memory,” I countered. “Just blow in her ear.”

“Get some new jokes,” she snapped.

These are the worst people! I don't want to read about them anymore!


“C’mon, Jake. Leave Rose alo—” Bella broke off mid-sentence and sucked in a sharp breath. In the same second, Edward was leaning over the top of me, ripping the blanket out of the way. She seemed to convulse, her back arching off the sofa.

“He’s just,” she panted, “stretching.”

Her lips were white, and she had her teeth locked together like she was trying to hold back a scream.

Edward put both hands on either side of her face.

“Carlisle?” he called in a tense, low voice.

“Right here,” the doctor said. I hadn’t heard him come in.

“Okay,” Bella said, still breathing hard and shallow. “Think it’s over. Poor kid doesn’t have enough room, that’s all. He’s getting so big.”

It was really hard to take, that adoring tone she used to describe the thing that was tearing her up. Especially after Rosalie’s callousness. Made me wish I could throw something at Bella, too.

If I was Carlisle, familiar with the effects immortal children have on their surrogate parents, I'd be very concerned that this baby is driving Bella and Rosalie insane.


She didn’t pick up on my mood. “You know, he reminds me of you, Jake,” she said—affectionate tone—still gasping.

“Do not compare me to that thing,” I spit out through my teeth.

“I just meant your growth spurt,” she said, looking like I’d hurt her feelings. Good. “You shot right up. I could watch you getting taller by the minute. He’s like that, too. Growing so fast.”

I bit my tongue to keep from saying what I wanted to say—hard enough that I tasted blood in my mouth. Of course, it would heal before I could swallow. That’s what Bella needed. To be strong like me, to be able to heal.…

This is such a hosed up cast.


She took an easier breath and then relaxed back into the sofa, her body going limp.

“Hmm,” Carlisle murmured. I looked up, and his eyes were on me.

“What?” I demanded. Edward’s head leaned to one side as he reflected on whatever was in Carlisle’s head.

“You know that I was wondering about the fetus’s genetic makeup, Jacob. About his chromosomes.”

“What of it?”

Yes, what of your wacky science?


“Well, taking your similarities into consideration—”

“Similarities?” I growled, not appreciating the plural.

“The accelerated growth, and the fact that Alice cannot see either of you.”

I felt my face go blank. I’d forgotten about that other one.

“Well, I wonder if that means that we have an answer. If the similarities are gene-deep.”

“Twenty-four pairs,” Edward muttered under his breath.

“You don’t know that.”

“No. But it’s interesting to speculate,” Carlisle said in a soothing voice.

“Yeah. Just fascinating.”

Bella’s light snore started up again, accenting my sarcasm nicely.



They got into it then, quickly taking the genetics conversation to a point where the only words I could understand were the the’s and the and’s. And my own name, of course. Alice joined in, commenting now and then in her chirpy bird voice.

Even though they were talking about me, I didn’t try to figure out the conclusions they were drawing. I had other things on my mind, a few facts I was trying to reconcile.

You may recall this is the exact same thing Bella has done multiple times. Meyer really can't come up with a truly unique voice.


Fact one, Bella’d said that the creature was protected by something as strong as vampire skin, something that was too impenetrable for ultrasounds, too tough for needles. Fact two, Rosalie’d said they had a plan to deliver the creature safely. Fact three, Edward’d said that—in myths—other monsters like this one would chew their way out of their own mothers.

I shuddered.

And that made a sick kind of sense, because, fact four, not many things could cut through something as strong as vampire skin. The half-creature’s teeth—according to myth—were strong enough. My teeth were strong enough.

And vampire teeth were strong enough.

It was hard to miss the obvious, but I sure wished I could. Because I had a pretty good idea exactly how Rosalie planned to get that thing “safely” out.

Nov 8, 2009

A Real Horse posted:

A more exciting author than Stephanie Meyer.

I'm not sure Stephanie Meyer is aware that gay people exist.

Jan 28, 2013

I feel like Carlisle is about to start talking about how vampires and werewolves use the 90 percent of the brain that normal people don't. I can't follow his science as it is, so I hope it goes full 90's Discovery Channel wacky.

Dec 4, 2011

I am the one lascivious
With magic potion niveous

She was friends with Jake for like 2 months while he was normal and funny and actually supportive. Then he turned into a complete rear end in a top hat and she mourned the loss of her friend. That made sense. I've also had toxic friends, and "breaking up" with them sucks.

But that was like a year ago. At this point in the timeline, he's been an rear end in a top hat for much longer than he was a friend. I don't think they've had a single conversation in the last book and a half that didn't turn into a fight or an argument over his feelings for her. He hates her husband and inlaws and makes every single event in her life, including her wedding, about himself. Why the hell would she want him around?

Apr 23, 2014

hyperhazard posted:

I don't think they've had a single conversation in the last book and a half that didn't turn into a fight or an argument over his feelings for her.

I think you're absolutely right. Jacob starts out as the perfect boyfriend alternative, then turning into a werewolf causes his entire personality to just do a 180. He goes from the funny, smart, cheerful, kind dude that every woman wants to a brooding ball of repressed anger who repeatedly sexually assaults his crush and mocks her over it. Jacob is only her best friend because Meyer keeps insisting that he is, against all of his behavior.

It's honestly one of the worst character assassinations she pulls, and she pulls them on drat near every character because she can't write organic conflict or complex morality. She takes one of the most kind and normal people in the series and turns him into someone who would be a villain in any other canon, all for the sake of adding drama and trying to force a love triangle that doesn't even exist until Bella goes "Well I enjoyed being raped, so maybe I'm in love with him."

Jul 21, 2011

Rosalie posted:

Giving birth in the middle of a disease-infested swamp with a medicine man smearing sloth spit across your face to drive out the evil spirits was never the safest method.
Yeah, no one ever had working medicine before the Europeans invented it. Especially not in one of the most biologically diverse continents in the world.

Feb 21, 2006


Given Rosalie’s background a racist, ignorant screed against indigenous peoples is the most in-character thing she’s said in many, many chapters. I’m betting Meyer didn’t intend it that way.


Apr 23, 2014

Jasper was my first thought when I saw this and I hate that so much

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