Register a SA Forums Account here!
JOINING THE SA FORUMS WILL REMOVE THIS BIG AD, THE ANNOYING UNDERLINED ADS, AND STUPID INTERSTITIAL ADS!!!

You can: log in, read the tech support FAQ, or request your lost password. This dumb message (and those ads) will appear on every screen until you register! Get rid of this crap by registering your own SA Forums Account and joining roughly 150,000 Goons, for the one-time price of $9.95! We charge money because it costs us money per month for bills, and since we don't believe in showing ads to our users, we try to make the money back through forum registrations.
 
  • Post
  • Reply
nishi koichi
Feb 16, 2007

everyone feels that way and gives up.
that's how they get away with it.


PetraCore posted:

And yeah, I wouldn't say I have full-blown OCD, but I have some OCD behaviors/symptoms, namely tricotillomania. When it flares up, I know I have no reason to pull out my hair strand by strand and that it will make things harder for me in the future, but there's a sort of mental pressure and release cycle going on there. Anxiety and stress builds up as pressure, and when I engage in my compulsions, there's an instant sensation of release and relief. No idea if that's how other people feel about their compulsions, but I figured my experience might be interesting to someone.

contamination ocd and dermatillomania here, iíd spend hours peeling the skin off my fingers until i was a bloody mess or arranging everything in my room or washing my hands to a pulp if i didnít have the tools to handle the disorder. that woman needs help, not to be kowtowed to. assuming she even has ocd in the first place. she sounds like a lovely controlling person regardless

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

ElHuevoGrande
May 21, 2006

Oh. . .

Would any of you with OCD behaviors smirk when called out by the person you've inadvertently hurt? Smug grins and breaking locks seems to lean heavily towards personality disorders. Sorry if this comes off as aggressive; people have been making excuses for my parents since I was 10 years old. "Try to have some sympathy for what they've been through." "She's mentally ill she doesn't mean it." loving no, mentally ill people are capable of empathy and they made a choice not to use it with their own kids.

nishi koichi
Feb 16, 2007

everyone feels that way and gives up.
that's how they get away with it.


ElHuevoGrande posted:

Would any of you with OCD behaviors smirk when called out by the person you've inadvertently hurt? Smug grins and breaking locks seems to lean heavily towards personality disorders. Sorry if this comes off as aggressive; people have been making excuses for my parents since I was 10 years old. "Try to have some sympathy for what they've been through." "She's mentally ill she doesn't mean it." loving no, mentally ill people are capable of empathy and they made a choice not to use it with their own kids.

yeah exactly. none of us even know if she has ocd in the first place anyway, i believe someone floated the possibility upthread. she sounds like a controlling bitch with a personality disorder of some kind who may or may not have ocd (or some other anxiety issue) along with it

PetraCore
Jul 20, 2017





ElHuevoGrande posted:

Would any of you with OCD behaviors smirk when called out by the person you've inadvertently hurt? Smug grins and breaking locks seems to lean heavily towards personality disorders. Sorry if this comes off as aggressive; people have been making excuses for my parents since I was 10 years old. "Try to have some sympathy for what they've been through." "She's mentally ill she doesn't mean it." loving no, mentally ill people are capable of empathy and they made a choice not to use it with their own kids.
Yeah, her behavior is... obviously unhealthy and abusive, and possibly literally disordered (as in, symptomatic of a mental disorder, not just dysfunctional), but I completely agree that part of what's going on there is just her being an rear end in a top hat. Which is why I'm not defending her. If she really just cared about checking that her kid is breathing she'd do everything she could to be quiet, at the very least, but it sounds like she's deliberately doing everything she can to wake up John Murdock, which is... it's own host of horribly abusive problems even beyond the repeated boundary breaking that quiet checking would be?

EDIT: Obviously my OCD behavior is self-directed, but yeah, whenever I inadvertently hurt people for other reasons, I do feel bad and apologize and try better.

life is killing me
Oct 28, 2007



The smirking tells me she is somewhat aware of what sheís doing and it sounds to me like she enjoys it on some level. How old are you? Eventually Iíd try to move to a gated apartment complex or something and never give her the code or apartment number, because mentally ill or not, itís not okay for her to continue to give in to impulses. Has anyone told her to get help and sheís just brushed it off like itís not a big deal? Or has it been just your dad threatening to kick her out and then not following through? Either way thatís rough. If you donít have the means to move out for whatever reason then you might wanna take matters into your own hands because your dad doesnít sound like heís doing it and meanwhile you need some uninterrupted sleep.

I wouldnít say I have OCD but I habitually peel my cuticle skin to the point I even bought multiple cuticle pushers/cutters to help me do it and itís gross and I know itís gross. No one ever remarked on it my entire life but I try not to do it anywhere but home. Just a weird behavior I guess, I donít know why I do it but hard dead skin or any dead peeling skin bothers me incessantly until I can remove it and itís all I can think about until I do it. Also goes for cuticles behind my fingernails and Iíll cut or pull to raw skin where it hurts all the time

Facebook Aunt
Oct 4, 2008

i like cats


nishi koichi posted:

indulging her isnít the answer and op has rights. the father needs to step in and be a father

i have ocd, i understand compulsion. but when my compulsions interfere with another personís human rights, that needs to be dealt with, one way or another. giving in to her ridiculous smothering will not work

like, what happens when they do put a baby monitor in the room (christ, how infantilizing!) and the woman hears op snort in their sleep or something, and freaks out anyway? or should she stare at opís pulse monitor all night? gently caress no

iíve been in similar situations with my harridan mother and it will never end. you have to draw a line somewhere. autonomy. autonomy.


yes, it is a torture tactic.

Don't get hung up on the dumb baby monitor/smart watch idea, I was brain storming. It's what they use for new moms who have excessive anxiety about crib death, which is tangentially similar to what John Murdoch's mom seems to be doing. It was a dumb idea and now it is over.



The point is to control what you can control. You can control what you do, you can not control what other people do.

Dad gives an ultimatum that he'll kick mom out of the house if she doesn't stop. That sounds like BS to me, not something you can count on. A bluff. What is he going to do if she refuses to leave? Does he even have the legal right to put her out of their house? Is he willing to take out a restraining order? Is he willing to blow up his own life over this?

You can tell her, "You need to get treatment, this is non-negotiable." What do you do if she refuses?

If their mom won't stop, and their dad won't do anything but fret and make toothless ultimatums, what can John Murdoch do to improve their own situation? What can John Murdoch control?

nishi koichi
Feb 16, 2007

everyone feels that way and gives up.
that's how they get away with it.


at this point the father needs to grow a pair and step the gently caress up, thereís no indication heís even tried anything. and yeah, they can do something, they can get her put in a loving shrink ward so op can get some god drat sleep?

Facebook Aunt
Oct 4, 2008

i like cats


nishi koichi posted:

at this point the father needs to grow a pair and step the gently caress up, thereís no indication heís even tried anything. and yeah, they can do something, they can get her put in a loving shrink ward so op can get some god drat sleep?

Yep. Those are definitely options the Dad has.

Any suggestions for things forums user John Murdoch can do? What part of this situation can he control?

nishi koichi
Feb 16, 2007

everyone feels that way and gives up.
that's how they get away with it.


Facebook Aunt posted:

Yep. Those are definitely options the Dad has.

Any suggestions for things forums user John Murdoch can do? What part of this situation can he control?

find someone else to stay with in the meantime, talk to their father more, barricade the door, i donít loving know, okay?

nishi koichi
Feb 16, 2007

everyone feels that way and gives up.
that's how they get away with it.


but yeah letís just keep pretending itís ok for our bodies to not be ours

Facebook Aunt
Oct 4, 2008

i like cats


nishi koichi posted:

find someone else to stay with in the meantime, talk to their father more, barricade the door, i donít loving know, okay?

Sorry if that sounded aggressive, I'm not trying to pick a fight.

I agree it would be great if Dad would step up. But if he hasn't stepped up in the last X years I don't have faith that he'll do it now.

John Murdoch's only play may be to leave. Unfortunately in the current everything finding someone else to stay with for a while is hard.

It is torture so they could try to get help through child services if they are a minor, but . . . yeah. That probably won't make things better anytime soon either.

ohnobugs
Feb 22, 2003




With the pandemic a lot of people's jobs and options for making these kinds of changes went away or are on hold for a bit. I suspect John Murdoch's doing what they can in that regard.

I will also suggest getting a PO box that psycho mom doesn't know about and start getting mail sent there.

fake edit: spikes on the door.

blunt for century
Jul 4, 2008

I've got a bone to pick.



Set an alarm switch on the door, but put the alarm itself under the parents bed. If she busts your door down, dad is getting woken up too.

Prince Reggie K
Feb 12, 2007

I've been denied all the best Ultra-Sex.

DAAAAAAD! MOM IS WAKING ME UP AGAIN! every. single. time.

Picnic Princess
Feb 9, 2008

I was under direct orders not to die




We had these horrible obnoxious personal door alarms in our bedrooms when I was a teen for a brief period when my mom got paranoid over break-ins (probably due to her living with a cocaine dealer lol), it screamed as loud and shrill as a carbon monoxide alarm when you open the door. Buy a set of them so if they take the first one away you can install another, and just keep up the battle. You're already not sleeping anyway. Or get one of those motion sensor sprays for pets. Nail it to the wall at her eye level.

Dongsturm
Feb 17, 2012


I appear to have started an angry conversation with my suggestion for therapy, because it sounded like I was sympathetic to the mother, which I am very definitely not. My favourite answer is . This situation gets me quite upset due to my past experience, so I think I overcompensated and sounded much to calm.

In my case, my mother would spend the evening drinking until something set her off, at which point she would come running down the hall, kick my door open, drag me out of bed and around the house while screaming incoherently in my face. My father would go around the house the next day, repairing holes in walls and the other damage she did.

Once I was too big to throw around she upped the abuse to try and get me to snap and do anything against her. If I had, I would have been dragged out of the house in handcuffs. I spent my 20's staying awake for 30 hours or more because I couldn't fall asleep without a lot of drugs or alcohol.

I really didn't have a lot of options. If I fought back nobody would ever believe I was a victim. I got through by promising myself I would get out when I was 18, and never allow that to happen again. It did, of course, but that is a different story.


John Murdoch hasn't said if he is under 18, but I think from his story that he is. His only real hope is to convince his father to help him. So tell your father how much this is hurting you, and how you need his help. Tell him he can have the woman he married back if she goes to therapy. Tell him you want to do a carpentry project for some-father son bonding, and help him install locks on the doors properly.

And if you are 18, you are allowed to have some agency in your life now. Jam a chair under the doorhandle, put some earplugs in and enjoy your sleep.

Or buy an airhorn and use it on her every time she wakes you up. Chase her around the house with it to vent some of your frustration. Or just make sure that you are masturbating every time she comes in. Give her some mental scars of her own.

John Murdoch
May 19, 2009

I have special eyes.

Just think of all the cool stuff I can see.


So for the record, I'm in my 30s. And between various difficulties of my own and *gestures at everything* moving out has never really looked like a viable option. The only friends I know with the kind of space to maybe support another person live across the country. This past year or so I've certainly thought more about it than I ever have before, but it's still a big leap into deep waters. Part of it is a degree of learned helplessness caused by, surprise surprise, my parents being neglectful.

I also want to be clear that this isn't like, an every single night sort of thing (though I guess I can't be 100% sure how often it actually happens, presumably she's gotten away with it without me waking up/already being awake to catch her a non-zero number of times). But it's regular enough (ie, more than loving zero times) to be a problem and is obviously a mite traumatic. And ultimately she has no goddamn pattern recognition to speak of because when I say this has been going on for years it's part and parcel with my sleep disorders. I've kept weird hours and dealt with sleep problems for years but literally every single time I temporarily cycle back to a janky nocturnal schedule she acts like it's a totally unique case. All those other times I've slept in or at odd hours or whatever the gently caress and survived just fine are irrelevant.

Also not the only way she's pulled this hypochondria by proxy type poo poo, either. When I was in my teens she became incontrovertibly convinced that I was suffering from severe diabetes and needed to be treated for it immediately, goddamn it! And she had proof!! The proof was 1) I would come home from school and sometimes nod off in front of the TV. And 2) I would need to use the bathroom "all the time". The former was because of aforementioned sleep problems + needing to wake up entirely too goddamn early for school every day (5-6 AM) in part because the school day simply started too early and in part because my dad would be the one to drop me off before he went to work because ~somebody else~ apparently didn't want to wake up at 7 AM every day + my school life being exhausting and unpleasant + caffeine crashes + basic siesta period type poo poo? And as for the bathroom thing...I have no loving clue. I was addicted to caffeine/Coke at the time just to (poorly) function in school because of everything I just said, but I genuinely don't remember there ever being a time I was pissing a 100 times a day. All I can assume is selection bias - she started paying her usual invasive, uncomfortable level of attention to how often I pissed and retroactively decided it must be too much. This all culminated in me being dragged to the then family doctor (who I hated), him being pre-emptively fed the line that I was dangerously diabetic and something needed to be done about it, and him lecturing me about how I needed to Change My Ways.

PetraCore posted:

Yeah, her behavior is... obviously unhealthy and abusive, and possibly literally disordered (as in, symptomatic of a mental disorder, not just dysfunctional), but I completely agree that part of what's going on there is just her being an rear end in a top hat. Which is why I'm not defending her. If she really just cared about checking that her kid is breathing she'd do everything she could to be quiet, at the very least, but it sounds like she's deliberately doing everything she can to wake up John Murdock, which is... it's own host of horribly abusive problems even beyond the repeated boundary breaking that quiet checking would be?

I'm not sure I'd say she's deliberately trying to wake me up vs. is desperately looking for any visible sign I'm alive, but I guess it's impossible to say for sure. Just like it's impossible for me to say if her staunch refusal to allow my dad to attend a trans day of remembrance event because "it could get attacked!!!" is another one of her paranoid worries or a confabulated cover for being generally Uncomfortable with the idea or both. Oh, but guess who agitated to keep their plans to attend a music convention in late March 2020?

Her general attitude is one of a five year old. Petty, capricious, and motivated by candy and sweets. Once, when she pulled this poo poo in the past but my dad wasn't home at the time, I went down to his den to leave a note about it on his desk. She then promptly snuck down there and took the note and crumpled it up and threw it in the trash can.

We generally don't cross paths or interact most days. But the majority of her interactions with me end up being her projecting her obsessive hunger for sweets onto me. If they buy a dozen donuts and I don't immediately cram them down my gaping maw she'll nag me about it. If she gets cupcakes from the local boutique cupcake place and gets a couple for me she *needs* to know when I'm going to eat them and what I think about them. If I get some kind of box of treats specifically for me, she'll absolutely hover around wondering if she could have some. Oh, but if I "steal" a pack of snack cakes from her multitudinous pile in the pantry how dare I do such a thing?? My dad has bought a pack of Klondike Bars from the grocery store before, and most if not the whole pack will go missing over the course of a few days. When pressed on why she's incapable of doing the simple math of 6 divided by 3 she'll shut down and actually devolve into childish "I don't know"s rather than admit she shoved them down her throat with wild abandon. She'll go to to the convenience store to load up on snacks, then come back with a box of Tic-Tacs in a flavor I like and say "see, I thought of you" in a tone that makes it clear she's genuinely proud of this smallest of niceties and expects praise for it.

Picnic Princess
Feb 9, 2008

I was under direct orders not to die




All that fuckin sucks so bad, I'm sorry. The diabetes stuff is just like how going to the bathroom after a meal meant I was clearly bulimic and not just peeing. Got to the point if I forgot to go to the bathroom before eating, I'd have to wait for hours after just so I wouldn't get harassed.

Wouldn't it be nice of parents just fuckin believed their kids when they said "I'm actually fine".

Clitch
Feb 26, 2002

I lived through
Donald Trump's presidency
and all I got was
this lousy virus


Has she always been like this?

Does this sound like BPD to anyone else?

ben shapino
Nov 22, 2020
ASK ME ABOUT HOW INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS ARE ACTUALLY MASTER/SLAVE RELATIONSHIPS


Give your mom a good solid stone cold stunner next time it happens

John Murdoch
May 19, 2009

I have special eyes.

Just think of all the cool stuff I can see.


Clitch posted:

Has she always been like this?

An early memory of mine is of when I was 5 or so and had just gotten diagnosed with the chicken pox. We were buzzing through the supermarket (it was early on so I wasn't super infectious or anything) and got in line to check out. Between feeling increasingly sick and growing nervous from a "all the adults talk about The Chicken Pox with a specificity that makes it scarier" child's line of thought, I started to feel anxious and looked to her plaintively, hoping for some kind of reassurance or a hug and a kiss or whatever. Y'know, mom stuff. Instead she chuckled at me and just said it wasn't a big deal and brushed the whole thing off. When this brought me to tears my dad had to explain to her what she did wrong.


Also I got so caught up in rambling I forgot to mention I put in a word with my dad to look into installing a new, locking doorknob on my bedroom door. Coincidentally the door's in need of some minor maintenance and the knob is the original 40 year old one that's liable to corrode apart any moment, so two birds and such. Fun fact, the dodgy knob is actually how I catch her sometimes because the door doesn't properly close from the outside; I need to give it a bump from the inside to fully set the latch. If she opens the door and then pulls it closed again I can immediately tell she did when I turn the knob from the inside. In the past she's made excuses about how my door just mysteriously popped open on its own, never understanding that it would only do that if she previously opened and closed it. (Or I guess a vanishingly rare time where I might've forgotten to bump it all the way closed after taking a leak.)

Samuel L. Hacksaw
Mar 25, 2007

Never Stop Posting.



It's ok to punch another adult, it's a misdemeanor in most jurisdictions if you stop after 1 and it's an emotionally charged situation.

Dongsturm
Feb 17, 2012


John Murdoch posted:

So for the record, I'm in my 30s. And between various difficulties of my own and *gestures at everything* moving out has never really looked like a viable option. The only friends I know with the kind of space to maybe support another person live across the country. This past year or so I've certainly thought more about it than I ever have before, but it's still a big leap into deep waters. Part of it is a degree of learned helplessness caused by, surprise surprise, my parents being neglectful.


It's tough, but maybe you could do it in small steps? If you have income, you could rent the tiniest possible room somewhere in your city(maybe from a friend), and go sleep there when the situation at home gets unbearable? So you are still officially living at home, but you have some space to yourself. That would give you a chance to get used to living on your own without fully committing to it.

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


Murdoch, your mom sounds like a real piece of work and sleep deprivation is 100% an abusive tactic, and it totally blows that you're temporarily stuck in that house Would roomies be an option? I know it's not ideal but I've had decent luck on a low income asking people I trust if anyone THEY trust is looking for a roomie.



Dan News: My dad wants me to call and talk things over "calmly" with my mom because "she can lose her temper" but like, 10 years of telling me she doesn't want to be a mom to an ungrateful homo, and that I have a tumor because I'm not "happy" enough, isn't losing your temper. I am obviously not calling.

trickybiscuits
Jan 13, 2008

yospos


Dongsturm posted:

Or buy an airhorn and use it on her every time she wakes you up. Chase her around the house with it to vent some of your frustration. Or just make sure that you are masturbating every time she comes in. Give her some mental scars of her own.
I was going to suggest bear spray. I've had serious problems with insomnia and yeah, sleep deprivation is a nightmare.

Also seconding renting a room somewhere. If you're near a college or university, a lot of students move out in June and you might be able to get a cheap room in a shared apartment/house.

ghost emoji
Mar 11, 2016

oooOooOOOooh


I donít have any suggestions or advice, I just wanted to reiterate that what sheís doing to you is completely unreasonable & youíre right to feel upset. Iíd be livid!

Slam Pajamas
May 21, 2007
ALL TEXT TITLE ALL-STARS

John Murdoch posted:

Bargin' Marge

Have you tried hiding somewhere to sleep? Maybe not a viable suggestion but I just think it'd be funny to hear about her freaking out not being able to find you.

John Murdoch
May 19, 2009

I have special eyes.

Just think of all the cool stuff I can see.


Beyond being completely impractical, there wouldn't be much humor in it. Either she'd doggedly tear apart the house looking for me and eventually succeed or have a big messy meltdown while assuming, idk, I ran away am now dead in a ditch somewhere. She already does a light a version of it anyway - if I hang around in the house outside her usual purview there's an increasingly likely chance she'll turn up to see what all the fuss is about. Like any time I get sucked into a long chat with my dad there's decent odds she'll blunder in so she can participate. And by participate I mean blurt out something totally unrelated to what we're talking about and completely interrupt, because she can't tolerate not being included in literally everything ever even when it doesn't concern her at all.

Dongsturm posted:

It's tough, but maybe you could do it in small steps? If you have income, you could rent the tiniest possible room somewhere in your city(maybe from a friend), and go sleep there when the situation at home gets unbearable? So you are still officially living at home, but you have some space to yourself. That would give you a chance to get used to living on your own without fully committing to it.

No income, no license, and pretty much no local contacts (just a younger cousin who literally just got engaged and we're not particularly close so it'd be super weird to intrude on her life). gently caress I don't even have my own cellphone. I'm somewhat near a university, but probably not conveniently close enough. :/

I do have a brother, but uh, let's put it this way: I've more or less put him on minimal contact because he exhibits a number of traits my parents do and we almost never, ever get along. Well, and he lives 5~ hours away. Also he himself is caught in an endless toxic loop with my mom where they play games with each other w/r/t maintaining contact. He used to regularly "offer" that I come up to Boston and hang out with him, but I'm not clear how much of that was his own self-centeredness on display vs. some vague attempt at getting me out of the house if only for a bit vs. totally benign, if missaimed, friendliness. Ultimately he can be just as much of a nightmare person as my mom sooooo....

John Murdoch fucked around with this message at 08:01 on Mar 27, 2021

AKZ
Nov 4, 2009


John Murdoch posted:

So for the record, I'm in my 30s. And between various difficulties of my own and *gestures at everything* moving out has never really looked like a viable option.

I'm not trying to be a dick and perhaps I'm not interpreting something correctly, but are unable to live by yourself?

John Murdoch
May 19, 2009

I have special eyes.

Just think of all the cool stuff I can see.


AKZ posted:

I'm not trying to be a dick and perhaps I'm not interpreting something correctly, but are unable to live by yourself?

Between untreated mental problems and a whole heap of learned helplessness, sort of? I can generally take care of myself on a moment to moment basis, but broader "adult stuff" is a challenge. I don't want to make it sound like it's an impossibility, it's more that "just move out" isn't a viable step 1 of a plan and more like a viable step 20 or 30.

nishi koichi
Feb 16, 2007

everyone feels that way and gives up.
that's how they get away with it.


AKZ posted:

I'm not trying to be a dick and perhaps I'm not interpreting something correctly, but are unable to live by yourself?

learned helplessness is a loving trip, take it from me. that doesnít even include all the guilt and shame from feeling that way

j.m. i think it might help if you made this more of your fatherís problem, too. wake him up every time she wakes you up. he canít be a wishywashy enabler when heís getting as little sleep as you are. you know your father more than any of us do, though

Ghost Leviathan
Mar 2, 2017

Exploration is ill-advised




Thing is about parents this lovely is that pretty much any basic support you'd expect to raise a child to function as an independent human being just doesn't happen.

nishi koichi
Feb 16, 2007

everyone feels that way and gives up.
that's how they get away with it.


Ghost Leviathan posted:

Thing is about parents this lovely is that pretty much any basic support you'd expect to raise a child to function as an independent human being just doesn't happen.

absolutely. iím lucky enough that i had friends and roommates who were patient with me for the social poo poo, and internet helped with the rest. also, not having your brainpower and spoons taken up by narcissists and enablers helps tremendously

you can get out of this, j.m.

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


Learned helplessness is a total trip and frequently is used to control the folks it's being used on, for sure. As a former Learned Helplessness Guy I found that treating the whole thing like planning your escape from an abuser was supremely helpful. Inside, I knew there was someone who was absolutely loving capable of doing normal poo poo, but it's easy to forget you ever had a job or graduated college or whatever when your parents are telling you you're incapable (and some people don't even get to the "graudate" or "job" state cause their parents angled in so early!). Looking at resources for victims seeking to escape an abusive home, like squirreling away money or finding a way to make sneaky income without your parents noticing, opening a private bank account, etc, were mad helpful. If you have just a little bit of cash, you can get a prepaid or pay-as-you-go cell phone for super cheap (don't let your parents know about it, or give them your number, if you don't feel safe doing so). Right now there's a number of temp jobs like pandemic contact tracer you can apply for and work from home with, which could be useful.

Eventually, you'll have a cache of resources and be able to start stealthily looking for a new place to live. You'll probably have to couch surf (I know you mentioned not having a local group of friends so this can be hard), get on a Greyhound (not during a pandemic of course), or do a little in-betweening before you're completely at your own place, but I have every faith you can totally, absolutely make it on your own. I can't drive either (at first because of all of the above, but nowadays because of a dumb tumor) and that DOES make it hard, but you can get a learner's permit with just the written test, or apply for a state ID without learning to drive, which helps a LOT. Don't forget to secure and take with you your passport, birth certificate, social security card, and all that important poo poo. There is a small chance your parents will hide them if they figure out you're leaving, but you can grab those early on. Whatever you do, hide your money and documents from your abusers while planning your escape.

Don't forget, you're an adult now and you can totally do this. I believe in you!

Arsenic Lupin
Apr 11, 2012

This particularly rapid unintelligible patter isn't generally heard, and if it is, it doesn't matter.





blunt for century posted:

Set an alarm switch on the door, but put the alarm itself under the parents bed. If she busts your door down, dad is getting woken up too.
This is actual genius. Make it your dad's problem, too. He will probably just tell you to turn off the alarm, sadly. Second option. Every time she wakes you up, walk into the bedroom and say "Mom just woke me up again, can you do something about it? Thanks."

This next story is going to sound like bragging, but it honestly doesn't make sense without the details.

Back when there were only two scores in the SATs, I took mine a year early. I tore open the envelope and got an 800 in English and a 690 in math. I ran tearing off to my father to show him the printout. The first words out of his mouth? "What about the 690?" He always claimed it was a joke. Ha ha.

I got into Yale, MIT, Dartmouth, and Reed. I picked Dartmouth because I preferred their computer access, and because the student who took me around Yale told me there had been three rapes on campus the previous year. (Looking back, this was entirely deliberate on his part. Yale hadn't been coed for very long.) A decade or so later, we were at the beach house with my husband, whom I'd met at college and my parents adored and respected, and our toddler kids. In a moment when we were alone, my father confided that he'd always wished I'd gone to Yale.

I was never quite good enough. It had to be perfect.

John Murdoch
May 19, 2009

I have special eyes.

Just think of all the cool stuff I can see.


Arsenic Lupin posted:

Every time she wakes you up, walk into the bedroom and say "Mom just woke me up again, can you do something about it? Thanks."

This is pretty much how it already works (though I try not to intentionally wake him up since he has sleep issues too). Usually he just ends up taking his turn to yell at her, which as established doesn't actually accomplish anything. There's not a whole lot else he can do, or at least is willing to do.

Edit: Though I will say given he has a touch of the ole boomer brain, it's doubtful he fully understands that the things she does (let alone some of the poo poo he does) constitute actual factual abuse.

John Murdoch fucked around with this message at 16:53 on Mar 27, 2021

Arsenic Lupin
Apr 11, 2012

This particularly rapid unintelligible patter isn't generally heard, and if it is, it doesn't matter.





John Murdoch posted:

This is pretty much how it already works (though I try not to intentionally wake him up since he has sleep issues too). Usually he just ends up taking his turn to yell at her, which as established doesn't actually accomplish anything. There's not a whole lot else he can do, or at least is willing to do.

Edit: Though I will say given he has a touch of the ole boomer brain, it's doubtful he fully understands that the things she does (let alone some of the poo poo he does) constitute actual factual abuse.

Wow, does your situation suck. I'm so sorry.

PetraCore
Jul 20, 2017





J.M., I think it would be a good idea to start developing skills for independence/resources with the goal of getting out eventually. I think just having those skills might do some to make you feel better in the meantime. You said yiu don't have a cell phone, can you get one?

John Murdoch
May 19, 2009

I have special eyes.

Just think of all the cool stuff I can see.


Yeah. I mean, it's a bit of a catch 22 where I'm not exactly thrilled to throw down the money for a phone that I don't strictly need in the short term...but I realize in the long term I also can't claw my way towards more independence unless I get one. It's a subject that's come up before, if only because we've had a lot of issues with our internet going out (which also takes out our phone line) or storms knocking out our power for obscenely long amounts of time, so at the bare minimum having another device handy in emergencies beyond my dad's iphone isn't a bad thing.

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

AKZ
Nov 4, 2009


John Murdoch posted:

Between untreated mental problems and a whole heap of learned helplessness, sort of? I can generally take care of myself on a moment to moment basis, but broader "adult stuff" is a challenge. I don't want to make it sound like it's an impossibility, it's more that "just move out" isn't a viable step 1 of a plan and more like a viable step 20 or 30.

Thanks to you and the rest of the posters for earnestly answering my question and not taking it as a "bait" question or something, I was just curious about the parameters of your situation.

I have great parents so feel free to take my input with a grain of salt. The most empowered and capable I ever felt was when I moved to the caribbean for a couple years and carved out a very modest, but fulfilling, existence. I had a bit of culture shock and it took some time to come to grips with "If something goes wrong no one can/will immediately swing in and help you/give a poo poo. Figure it out." It was a tough adjustment at first, but after navigating it (and hurricanes) I realized I had become pretty resourceful and able to take most things in stride.

I don't want this to sound prescriptive, but for me, being challenged to that level of independence and rising to it was very formative and valuable. I remember when I was visiting my parents before I left. My dad and I were talking and he just chuckled and said something to the effect of "I imagine you'll learn a lot."

I hope your situation gets better and it might be worth a try to to focus on viable steps one and two and see where it goes from there. A person needs to learn to walk before they can run.

  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
  • Post
  • Reply